 Okay. Well here we go again. I'm turning 22 and I'm letting go. You know going into this year like I was turning 21 and I'm like okay this is gonna be the year that I get my life together like I start rebuilding my life almost I kind of had the idea like I was gonna reinvent myself maybe in some ways and none of that happened. Well I mean I kind of tried to make it happen. I was thinking this is gonna be like the year of community and in a way it turned into the year where I felt most isolated and and in that and in that isolation man like I started I didn't start because this is what I've been doing my whole life but maybe you've done this too and maybe your your mentality is do this you impose kind of unrealistic expectations on yourself as almost like a form of self punishment like if you had such weak expectations of yourself just like you know and you met them then you would then you would give yourself license to feel good because you met your own expectations right and by having such unrealistic expectations and that's kind of where I stay I like have this idea that it's like it's never enough it's not I'm not far enough along all that kind of thing and by doing that you kind of you're kind of just staying in this self like this place of self punishment and I feel like that's where I I hung out a lot recently and my whole life and and just man 20 22 crap like what like dude I 22 years old that's insane for me to think you know like well when I was 20 in my video about turning 20 you know I talked about all these things that I thought I'd have done when I was 20 when I turn 20 and I have accomplished and all that kind of thing and now I'm 22 I'm like oh dude I'm 20 you are at a good pace but what happened the last two years I don't even know but I think that's the whole mentality that I'm going with here it's it's a mentality of of of letting go because number one I have license to let go because Christ through his grace and his mercy is already freed me from the bondage of of of performance and duty and all that and so he has given me license to let go and so like I think the most difficult part about kind of making this video too is like I'm like oh man like I'm not where I'm supposed to be and that's where I feel like right I'm like I gotta get further and and make more of myself and and all that kind of thing and and and I want to do something that matters like that was something that I was thinking about so many times this year just in quarantine and all that kind of thing was just like I want to do something that matters I want to say something that matters I want to be someone that matters and that not going away but it gets the point where you obsess so much about that and so much of like what you want to be and be what you want to become you just can't you you you stop letting yourself just be right and and so I'm turning 22 and I'm letting go of that I'm letting go of of all that external self-imposed pressure and obviously it's still gonna be there and I'm not saying it's just like I'm throwing off I'm just going you know yoloed no expectations no responsibilities all that but it's like this it's that extra stuff it's that stuff fueled by shame that gets in there and really sucks the life out of you and keeps you keeps me looking over my shoulder like am I doing the right thing am I doing enough all that kind of thing and it absolutely sucks the life out of you it sucks the life out of me and so I would rather have my productivity be stifled not and become a little less have a little less movement and be happy and content and joyful then then being you know moving and productive and all that but being totally miserable and depressed because I can never meet up to my unrealistic expectations you see I was thinking about this I am a person that is very focused at this point in my life and have been for the last years on the future it's like what's gonna happen in the future preparing for the future saving for the future working for the future you know building skills for the future all this stuff focused on the future and I'm not saying that's not good but but but that's just kind of been my mentality and there's there's there's a problem with it and I'll tell you why and there's some people that regret about the past like they think about the past and what they wish they would have done and I'm there too like I think about that too and not as much as thinking about the future but it's also like regrets about the past and things you wish you would have done all that kind of thing but then there's another kind of person who thinks about now and lives in the moment and yes there can be real detriments to only living in the the the present with no you know no perspective of reflection of the past or you know looking towards the future and preparing for the future because you should be doing that and I and I appreciate that I'm that leaning because it makes things easier in some ways but it also makes things sadder and more depressing in other ways because I find myself in moments where I feel like I should be happy and enjoying life as it comes at me I'm I'm almost it's an out of body experience where where I'm still looking for what's next or or what I need to do next or where I need to go next as opposed to just being content and joyful and just almost like a what I want to encapsulate in this year right is like a childlike wonder of just here and now I think I could I think I could use you know moving my moving the dial a little bit over to living in the moment a little bit more because man like if I'm honest and I use these videos too is like to look back on what I was thinking when I was this age and and if I'm honest man like I don't live a very adventurous life right and I'm not saying you need to do that but I'm but I guess what I'm saying is that I could I could stand to to be a little bit more risky and I could stand to be a little bit more adventurous and and just I don't know and living life as cliche as that is I just realized that that there's been so much fear and insecurity and all that and as I look back in my teen years it's like that was so imminent like man I can just it's like palpable when I think about those years just weaved into every moment it's like my insecurity about whatever it was like even when I think about when I used to do triathlons as like a 12 year old like like that those moments were like I always felt like the outsider right like the slowest guy all these guys were like so athletic and girls were so athletic and I was like the bigger guy who just like wasn't super fast and like I don't know like didn't didn't go to public school so I was a homeschool a little bit outcast and just those insecurities man they made their way into just my outlook and and I kind of like as if it was this easy because I'm gonna come back and look I guys I'm turning 23 and I did it I got rid of my insecurities and fears and I let go of unrealistic expectations and now I'm happy because obviously that's not that's not how it works right but but I think there's a place to say this is what I'm working on this is what I want to be and in some ways becoming who I want to be in this area actually means taking a step back and being okay with that it's like it's not about this like productivity like habit you know like get in there and fix your life and become a better you it's like actually take a step back and and I want to I want to embrace enjoying what God has given me today and seeing that is like the goal because I I I have enough of a tendency to focus on the future that that kind of covers up for itself like you don't need to worry that I'll you know I won't be planning or strategizing for whatever I think I could you stand to you do a little bit of less of that and and stand to get it you know go do things a little bit more and and that's kind of where I'm at I want to be present I want to be present with with what's going on because because I think when I'm not present it's because my priorities and my values are actually in wrong places and let me explain that a little bit because when let's say I'm in a conversation with you and we're talking a little bit and you know I find value in the conversation that we're having but kind of subconsciously my mind's drifting a little bit I'm thinking about okay you know oh what do I need to do next here like after we're done this conversation where am I going how what do I need to accomplish and in that moment like me doing that my priorities are screwed up because I see I see like that kind of conversation is not as valuable as as doing something and in that moment like I can look back and say I screwed up and so that's that's kind of what I'm looking at where I'm like I I want to just be in the moment just be present and and let go of these of these false values like these things that actually aren't worth as much as you think they are like getting to this next level of success or you know whatever like obviously obviously those things for me are really at the forefront of my mind because I feel like I'm still at that stage where things could just like crumble down and I'm left with nothing and I got no skills and no future and no all that kind of thing like it's at that stage where I just want to break through and then when I break through then I'm like okay now I can rest and I can you know it's okay but I don't want to miss out on this time like I want to take every season that God gives me and use it and so for me my 22nd I guess 23rd year turning 22 so I guess 20 20 23rd year I want it to be about letting go of fear insecurity all that stuff and stepping into what God would have for me now focusing on what I can do best for God now and also letting that produce like a great joy instead of duty where it's not about having self-imposed expectations on me to like punish me to tell me I'm not good enough so then I keep working harder it's like no we can let go of that and we have a new fuel now the new fuel is love love for God love for his people love for creating and the gifts that he's given me and being able to use them that's where I want to be well that's all I say we'll talk again God bless