 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television presents transcribed the Phil Harris Alice Faye show For your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet With Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music and yours truly Bill Foreman Doing things for others is a great source of satisfaction Except when Phil Harris is the one who does it then things are better off undone More about that later. First a word from RCA Victor With a good old summertime just around the corner It's time to start thinking about that great American pastime Figuring out ways to beat the heat. You'll find different ideas about how to beat the heat Some folks take a train to the seashore Some people take a cruise Some fly to the mountains in Canada But nowadays more and more people are finding out that the best way to beat the heat is this way In other words by staying right in their own living room and finding that they can feel better at home with an RCA room Air conditioner the silent turn of a dial It's that easy. You actually tune in seashore weather mountain weather Vacation weather right in your own living room or in your bedroom if you choose for summer nights of cool restful sleep No wonder so many Americans are buying the wonderful new RCA room air conditioner. What a great name behind it RCA what a host of features in it the heart of coal compressor the amazing climate tuner and For the finest service and installation of your RCA room air conditioner. Remember RCA service company Trained factory technicians will install your RCA room air conditioner Adjusted service it get an RCA room air conditioner early this year Make sure you feel better this summer right at home Now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice pay and Bill Harris Most parents try to give their children all the advantages They didn't have when they were children at times this results in the child acquiring a wrong sense of values Little Alice Harris is now going through that stage as we look in she's asking her parents to buy her something Father, I'm ten years old, and I'm not being unreasonable All I'm asking you for is a measly mink coat That's all huh you wouldn't settle for a stole would you? No, I want a full-length mink coat something that will keep me warm from top to bottom You keep this up. The only thing you'll have to worry about is keeping your top warm Because I'm gonna warm your little bottle I Don't want to hear no more bottle Daddy dear if you love me you'll get me a mink coat, and you do love me. Don't you daddy? Get away from me you little gold digger Don't pull that routine on me your mother beat you to it Now Alice where did you get this ridiculous idea of wanting a mink coat? Well, I don't think it's ridiculous you have one mommy, but I didn't get it when I was 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 Hold it Clyde. Where do you think you're going? I was only trying to prove a point Well prove it with your age not mine As I was saying Alice, I didn't get my first fur coat until I was 23. That was almost two years ago Are you 25 already? It doesn't seem possible Time flies doesn't it? Not with you at the control Father do I get the mink coat or don't you don't so you might as well forget it Very well if you want me to go to school in a shabby condition It's up to you But there's one thing I need for school that I can't get along with that's different anything that will help you in school We'll get you What do you want a chauffeur to drive me there? I'm tired of going on the school bus well ain't that just too bad You realize that when I was your age, we didn't have no school bus. Why wasn't the automobile invented yet? Honey the wheel wasn't even invented now that we're even on the age jokes. I'll go on As I was saying when I was your age, we lived in the backwoods The first day I went to school my father put down his jug and said Son the school house is down the road a piece about three miles And you're gonna have to walk it every day for eight years and you're bare feet Didn't that hurt your feet? I wouldn't know I never went If you never went to school, how did you learn to read and write? I was self-educated Let me tell you the story of my life. Well, please don't I got a special version for children It's very tender and mild Never mind Alice you're not getting a chauffeur Well, maybe I can struggle along without a mink coat or a chauffeur, but there's one thing I simply must have This is for my health. Well, that's different anything you need for your health. You can have what do you need a swimming pool? Well this kid's got to get some sleep What do you get all those ideas I ain't building those swimming pool just for you why not? You had a swimming pool in your house when you were young who told you that Grandpa did he said when you were a boy. He couldn't get you out of the pool room You're reaching kid You know honey, I think a swimming pool would be a real good idea It would be beneficial for the children and we'd enjoy it too. Oh now. I got two gold diggers working on regular and Kingside Phil I like the idea of a pool then you pay for building it. I can't afford it. Oh come now, Myrtle Let's keep this believable You've got more money in one sock than the California bank has in all its branches Honey, you're the head of the family and it's up to you to pay for the swimming pool you have enough money I have enough money What makes you think that I I'll get that What's the matter with this family? They seem to think that I'm made of money Hi a curling. Ah, hello Elliot. Come on in What's my are you? That's my family My wife and daughter have an idea that I'm loaded. Well, don't breathe in their direction. They will not There's another kind of loaded my family thinks I'm loaded with money They want me to build a swimming pool. Why don't you because it cost a lot of money? It doesn't have to What do you mean? We can build it ourselves What was that for this is a dragnet plot if I ever heard Build our own get away from no curly. That's a cinch with me helping. We'll have it finished in no time I'm very good at digging holes in the ground. Well, who is it the mall? I Talking about I asked you who it was. Oh Alice. Oh, it is the mole Ain't it still tell you he's gonna buy a swimming pool for the children. I ain't buying the kids no pool How can you be such a cheap father? Nothing's too good for your children. Every kid needs a pool keep some off the street and keep some clean at the same time Keep telling you it's very expensive. It costs a lot of money Hey curly, then I got an idea if the kids want a swimming pool and you don't want to spend the money Why don't you get him a waiting pool? Oh, you mean one of those collapsible jobs that you blow up? Yeah Hey, that's a great idea them things don't cost much. Where do we go to buy one to Grogan's war surplus store? He's got some very good merchandise. Let's go over and see him. Okay. We'll go over and see hey Alice I'm going out and get the kids a pool. It's almost lunchtime Phil so hurry back Don't worry. I'll be back before you can open a can of tuna fish and sing two courses of it's the lovely Oh Why don't we go walking tonight while the moon is shining do lovely life you can tell at a glance It's a night for romance The night is long the skies are clear and if you want to go walking here. It's delightful. It's delicious It's lovely I Understand the reason why your sentimental cuz so am I it's delightful. It's delicious. It's the lovely You can tell What a swell night. This is for romance you can hear dear mother nature murmuring Let yourself go. So please be sweet my And when I kiss you just say to me, it's delightful. It's delicious It's delectable. It's delirious. It's the lima. It's the lima. It's deluxe. It's the lovely It's delightful. It's delicious. It's delectable. It's delirious and the night is young the skies are clear And if you want to go walking here. It's delightful. It's delicious. It's the lovely I Understand the reason why you're sentimental cuz so am I it's delightful. It's delicious. It's the lovely You can tell What a swell night. This is for romance you can hear dear mother nature murmuring Oh, let yourself go. Oh, please be sweet my chickadee and where I kiss you just say to me It's delightful. It's delicious. It's delectable. It's delirious. It's the lima. It's the lima. It's deluxe. It's the lovely Like Grogan's war surplus store. He's got everything from the army and Navy. He certainly has man He's got a lot of good bargains in here, too Look at that price list up there Army blankets $2 Cots $4 Discharge papers $1 This honorable discharges two for a quarter There's an excellent buy six hour passes 75 cents This is a buy Just imagine only 75 cents for a six hour pass and I throw in four live phone numbers Each and every one of these numbers has been approved by the Chamber of Commons All right, all right. Oh, it's you Harris. What are you doing in my store, Grogan? I'd like to buy something from your war surplus stuff. Well, you have come to the right place. I Handled some of the best war surplus much a nice in the country now Would you be interested in a sawed-off shotgun or? Perhaps a black limousine fully equipped with armor plate and bulletproof windows and revolving tummy-gun turrets This is war surplus stuff. Yeah, yeah left over from a gang war in Chicago. I Don't believe that's what I want well then kids You just don't have to buy it because I got a lot of other stuff just come over here And I'll show you what I got. I don't care what you got. I'll tell you what I want I don't care what you want. You're gonna take what I got Now here is something that you ought to love Slightly used whack uniform It's only a hundred and ten dollars A hundred and ten dollars for a whack uniform. Yeah, that's a lot of money I know a place that sells them cheaper with the whack still in it Brogan I just came in to buy one of those rubber waiting pools. Well ain't that sweet Good truth wants to go waiting Tell me dog, would you also like a pale and a shovel and a handful of sand to throw at the grown-ups? Don't be a wise parole Who ain't for me. It's for my kids. Well in that case I got just the thing for you Here it is a collapsible life raft that the Navy used to use for lantern operations It's oversized will make a great pool for the kids. Hey, yeah, that's just what I want I'll take it good. It's right over there all rolled up. Hey, it's a pretty heavy It'll take the two of you guys to carry. Oh, we'll manage. Oh, wait a minute. By the way, uh, how do we Inflate this thing. Well, I'll sell you take a compressed air Better give you a large tank. You know this thing takes a lot of air. Yeah. Hey, that's well look I'll take the whole works. How much do I owe you? Oh, don't worry about that now I'll come over to your house some night and pick up the money. What night did you be over? We may not be home. It's better that way Just leave the second story window open and I'll take part luck Oh Boy, it's good to get home. I didn't realize a rubber pool could be so heavy. Hey, Curly I can't hold this thing much longer. Where do you want to put it? Just Just drop it on the floor here for the time being Well, it's about time you got back and Phil Phil, what's that untidy mess in the middle of the floor? That's Elliot. I Mean the other untidy mess Why do you people keep picking on me? I'm a lovable chap. I'm nice to my mother I even go up to the attic and feed my aunt once in a while Yes, sweet kid Hey Alice, this is the rubber pool we bought we got it at Grogans. Oh, you picked a good boy If that thing holds there, it'll be a miracle. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going in to make lunch. Okay, honey Hey, Elliot, you know something I think Alice is right You know, you can't always depend on things that that Grogans sells you Maybe maybe we should have tested it first. Let's test it now Hand me that hose from the compressed air tank and I'll attach it to the pool valve Do you think we ought to do this here in the living room? Why not? Nothing's gonna happen Just let a little air in and then turn it off. Hey, it's starting There's kind of weak, but now you got it. That's it. Turn it up. All right. Hey, it's working out. This thing holds air All right. Oh, yeah, it's starting to get bigger. Yeah. Hey, that's enough. Turn it off. Okay Curly what's the matter? The valve stuck I can't turn it off. Well, you've got to turn it off. It's getting bigger. It's starting to come Now it's not the chair over there goes the table Now it's going for the piano It's got it. It's don't play very well You've got to stop this thing. It's not gonna furniture all over the place I'm trying to stop it, but I can't this monster's filling up the whole room I made you a nice Pushed your right back in the kitchen Tuna fish cold bottle and all stop it. She says it's got me pinned to the wall I can't live my alley. Will you do something? Elliot, where are you right here in the fireplace? Will you stop and do something this thing is ruining our living room? Don't worry about a curly Can't hold much more air gonna blow up any minute. Oh, no, if this thing blows up with all that air in it There's gonna be an awful explosion You think maybe it could be oh well here today and gone tomorrow Yeah, but he didn't even wait till tomorrow Hadn't in here. What was that horrible? Oh, no, look at my living room Phil I want you and Elliot to clean up this mess before I get back Where are you going back into the kitchen to finish making your lunch? I have to scrape your tuna fish sandwich off the wall Well, I guess we can start by throwing that swimming pool away, it's probably ruined not isn't curling I was just looking at it. It just blew out in one spot. We can put a blowout patch on it It'll be as good as new good cuz I got some blowout patches in the garage. Come on. Let's go and fix this Well, here we are curly it's all fixed you said it did a good job, too Didn't we yeah, we covered the blowout completely and that patch looks good and strong as new that'll never come on Now let's little air in it test it again. Okay, Elliot in the living room again This time you don't have to worry I fixed the valve. Oh No, I just let a little air in to see if the pool's okay There we go Hey Elliot nothing's happened the pool ain't inflating that's funny the air is going in okay, and and Hey curly look over there where we put the patch on oh No, there's a big blister forming there, and it's getting bigger Elliot Elliot shut the air off. Yeah, okay, I'll Girl you're gonna hate me for saying this but But what the valve is stuck again I Had a feeling that's what you were gonna say Look you better pull that valve off. Look at that blister. It's getting bigger now It ain't gonna take much more air Well, he's had a few hours before trip. He's ready to solo Mine just keeps scraping the toner might as well give up Elliot that pool has got to be ruined now No, it ain't curly. It was just a blowout patch that blew off we can fix that that can be painful bones in the back Are very delicate we weren't shooting at you we're trying to inflate this swimming pool in the blowout patch blew off Well, no one eyes it you know how to vocalize it. Yeah, I got a kid out in the truck Hey, you have a look I'll make a deal with you kid you help us fix it And I'll pay you okay a curly the gauge on the tank says empty We haven't got any more air left well It's just as well the valve on the tank is broken anyway Well, how are we gonna inflate the pool? I'll go out and get another tank with a good bow Oh, all right now you stay here and help Julius vulcanize and I'll go get another tank of air Yeah, I got another tank air. How'd you guys make out with the patch? Well, as long as we got everything Let's test it Elliot. Hmm You think we ought to go through this thing again Just once more for laughs Anyway, we got nothing to worry about now we got a new tank and the valve won't stick Yeah, I guess you're right only this time you and I are gonna keep our eyes on this tank gauge, right now When it gets up to 20 pounds, we're gonna shut it off. Now. It's just to test it. Yeah, okay. I'll connect it Hey Julius. Yeah, incidentally now look you sit in the middle of that pool and watch that patch if it starts to blister Yeah, okay You better open the front door what for in case I take off again Get you're not to worry ain't nothing gonna blow up no more Elliot me are gonna keep our eyes on that gauge right on a gauge. You know Julius Okay, turn around here Turn it on right. Yeah. Hey, it's going in good Two pounds in there already Four pounds There's a better tank than the other You get it a Grogans. No, no, I didn't have to go all the way down there. I Passed the playground and some guy there had one playground What's he doing with it? He was using it to blow up toy balloons Nice guys He gave it to me cheap who is he curly? I don't know Wait a minute. I saw his name on that tank someplace. Oh There it is He Liam Curly that's pronounced helium helium. That's an odd name Must be a sweet I'll have to remember that What's matters you and he's that patch starting to go up? No, he is up on the ceiling pool and all Reach it to let the air out of the pool. I got it curly. I'll throw this knife up. That'll puncture it Watch it Julius. She'll be coming down in a minute. Here it comes Soon as he stops bounce in just a moment Whatever your mood, there's music to match it in these new RCA Victor record albums There's music for relaxing for dining for reading And there's music for romancing to played by the orchestras of Henry Rene and Hugo Winterhalter It's mood music Recorded on RCA Victor's wonderful new 45 extended play records and because these new 45 extended play records Give you double the music for less money. They make the Victrola 45 a better buy than ever It's the simplest automatic phonograph ever made all play and no work Just load up to 1445 extended play records Press the button and enjoy nearly two hours of your favorite music played through RCA Victor's famous golden throat tone system See and hear the automatic Victrola 45 phonograph at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow Folks, this is Phil again United Cerebral policy conducts its annual campaign during the month of May This disease can result in inability to speak to walk or to perform any of the everyday actions Treatment requires skill specialists and usually takes considerable time with early diagnosis treatment care and Education many of those afflicted can be helped to become supporting citizens So do your part to help in the success for funds for United Cerebral policy. Thank you and good night Good night everybody Included in this program transcribe was Sheldon Leonard the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley Now RCA Victor brings you the delightful orchestral music from BSA's opera Carmen on new Red Seal 45 EP record in this new Red Seal album Fritz Reiner Conducts five stirring selections Including the zestful prelude with a famous toreadore song the rhythmic dance bohemian and far and all Add this wonderful tune-packed EP album to your collection of fine music Ask your dealer tomorrow for the new RCA Victor 45 extended play record orchestral music from Carmen The Harris Faye show came to you transcribed next here theater guild on the air on NBC