 If you were as fortunate as I am to have really good friends, then you know that they are just an Amazing part of life something that you can't do without and yet at times there's something that brings you Frustration as well as as as joy and pain and everything in between but my goodness How different would life be if we didn't have these friendships and these relationships in our life? So today we want to talk a little bit about what it means and to communicate in friendships and what our friendships and how can we do that more effectively and really Place the emphasis on these critical relationships that we have with our friends around us So first of all, let's talk about some of the characteristics of Friendships or in other words, what does it mean to be a good friend? Right, so as we know there are different types of friendships if you if you're a fan of the show friends You know that there are different types of friendships, right? There are you know really really close relationships There are more that there some that are more just acquaintances and people you know, maybe socially But don't necessarily hang out with that closely. So I mean there are different types of friendships and and so and then there are variations that come into play when we talk about gender and things we're gonna touch on here But but there are different types of friendships not every friendship is the same not every friendship is exists at the same level, you know Not everybody is is a is a Chandler and Joey, right? Those two are really really tight Sometimes you have a a Chandler and Phoebe who were you know seldom in scenes together, right? I mean in terms of just the two of them they weren't the close friends But but they were acquaintances and they had some hijinks together But so you have different types of friendships though and friendships that exist and different in in different circumstances And so just keep that in mind We also need to remember that there are friendships that will vary in terms of how they're how they're made up Just in general but also in terms of gender and communication and and and so friendships and will be affected by gender though And and communication will vary from situation to situation. So when you have same-sex friends, you'll have you know So we're talking here about, you know, men who are friends with other men women who are friends with other women When you have those types of things the rules are slightly different for example them when you have opposite-sex friends When you have a man and woman who are friends and so The the rules are different in terms of touch in terms of language in terms of all these little things that we do differently frankly when we are With a friend who is of the same sex as us as opposed to a friend who's of the opposite sex of us Those are different and then there are different rules Of course it exists too when you have something like friends with benefits or whatever you want to call it So the the rules are different the expectations are different the you know What's allowed and not allowed and things like that are different in all of these different circumstances So we need to to keep that in mind as well and consider that and and how we Approach these friendships and how we communicate in the different friendships Also need to bear in mind that friendships are affected by social media very much so anymore, right? So you wouldn't just go on social media Hopefully you wouldn't go on media social media and just start blasting your friend for some, you know Some secret they told you or something and just start throwing it all over social media or just you know Shoot and fire at your friend on social media just because you were a little upset with them Those things can be damaging and permanent and then you also I mean you have the idea of who do you who are you friends with on social? Media are you expected to be friends with somebody that you just met and if they send you a friend request? Is there that pressure and then what rules come along with that? What does that indicate when you are friends with somebody on social media? Are you following somebody on social media? Are you are you you know implying that you? tacitly approve of what they are doing or who they are and things like that so Friendship is also affected by social media in very practical ways and then also just kind of more Fringe ways but but it's affected by social media a great deal anymore in particular And friendships are governed by rules their rules for example, you know, I was growing up There's a rule you didn't date your friends X if your friend a dated somebody you're not allowed to date that person unless you get permission from from your friend Then it's okay, but but there are rules like that there are rules about you know You don't you don't talk about your friend behind their back You don't share their secrets without their consent, you know, that's their information their secret there There are rules that govern these friendships. You got to have your friends back and so forth so So we know that whether they are are spoken or unspoken and whether they are formal or informal rules That just like any other relationship friendships have different rules that govern them Another thing to consider about friendships is that they each have a particular lifespan and so not and not every friendship is going to go the distance and and sometimes though, you know Sometimes that breakup will be formal and sometimes it will be less formal and just kind of happen through attrition But there's some you know friendships have a lifespan to a certain extent so sometimes you have and so and not such but they have a they have a Kind of an arc to them and the way that they develop right and though and the way that they grow So you have first of all what we call? Role-limited interaction right meaning you may be acquaintances with this person you may be friendly with this person but but only in certain Circumstances you may have somebody that your friends with at work, but you don't hang out with them outside of work Right, or you hang out with them when you're with this third person, right? I mentioned before you know You didn't see a lot of Chandler Phoebe Engagement in the in just friends right and in the show friends with just the two of them You saw lots of them together with other people So but they were kind of role-limited in their interactions. They were for the most part They were they were friends via other friends, right? So their their interaction was limited more to their role as this other person's friend Then you may move into what we call friendly relations where you start to kind of you know Break off a little bit from the group and you do start to get to know this person as an individual a little bit more and and maybe start to Make some plans with them or something then that may lead to moving toward friendship Where you're you're maybe hanging out outside of that group You're maybe making plans and and being intentional about spending time together and getting to know each other a little bit You're moving toward that that type of a stronger friendship than slowly as we go and note that Some friendships or some relationships don't ever get beyond a certain point of this Maybe you get into the friendly relations and realize This person is not really for me. This isn't really working for me So you kind of put the brakes on and you halt things there and don't go any further But if things continue, then you would move toward friendship And theoretically eventually then you would enter into what we call nascent friendship, which is kind of the beginning stages of a friendship It's not that different from when you have the beginning stages of when you're first seeing someone you're first dating someone And it's kind of new and it's exciting and you probably spend a lot of time together in that nascent friendship Period there's probably spending quite a bit more time together than you might otherwise And again, it's not that different than what we see in people who have started dating recently You have that same kind of experience when we when we make friends Eventually you'll enter into what's called a stabilized friendship Where you're seeing you you may not see each other quite as much as you were at the very beginning But it's more comfortable when you do get together You just pick up kind of where you left off and it's like no time has passed at all Regardless of how much time actually has passed. It's just you jump right in and you fall into the same kind of patterns and the same kind of expectations and you have that just stabilized friendship where You don't have to worry about impressing that person all the time They've seen your good days your bad days and they're still around and again This is this is more like a long-term relationship If we're thinking of it in like a dating aspect an ascent friendship would be that kind of the beginning the honeymoon period of the dating period Stabilized friendship is going to be that longer-term relationship where you're more comfortable with each other, right? You've you know, so you've you've been around each other long enough to know one another and and have some stability there and And know that that person is your friend for the long term really Then eventually though, it's possible that we may get into what we call the waning friendship if that friendship is winding down either because there's been some sort of Some sort of event that's led to to maybe the potential termination of that relationship or maybe just your life circumstances have changed There are all kinds of reasons that the relationships and And predicts lonely friendships It's possible that one person moved away or that one person got married or one person had kids and These types of things and compete for our time and they do cut into friendship So it's possible that that not all relationships will make it through that or make it past that I'm certainly not necessarily in the same shape that they that they had before they may look different and And feel different but so that it's possible that That it may become a waning friendship when that kind of fades out over time and fades away So in addition having the lifespan though, but we know the friendships differ at different parts of our own lives Right because we have different needs at different stages of our lives. So our friendships will change So for example, when we first when we first become Aware of friendships and start to have friendships that would be in our childhood, right and our childhood friends are going to be first of all Dictated largely by proximity as much as anything We're gonna be friends when on the ability as try as children to travel that far So we're gonna be friends with people who are in our neighborhood. We're gonna be friends with our siblings Possibly our parents depending on the situation We're gonna be friends of people where we go to school with people where we go to school that we see on a regular basis Or we go when we go to church or we go to different, you know Events so if you're involved in 4-H or some sports or different things like that Our childhood friends are going to be friends of convenience as much as anything convenience in the sense that they are around and available And maybe have some similar interests broadly to us Maybe like to play the same sports or play with the same toys in general But but we're not gonna be too picky because again, we have a limited pool to draw from so we're gonna be pretty open a lot of times to whatever friends Come around and we're gonna take advantage of that in childhood as we get a little older We get into adolescence. We're gonna be you know, we can become teenagers early teenage and teenagers We're gonna be much more concerned with being friends with people who are our own age We're gonna focus on that again proximity is going to be an issue So we're gonna be mostly friends with people who are nearby and people that we go to school with but we're gonna really hone Into people who are our age. That's gonna become very important to us and to be friends with people who are at least our age if not older and And stick to that pretty closely Because we just share we feel like nobody else understands feel like nobody else can relate to What we're experiencing we don't understand that our parents have already been through that Maybe not in the exact same sense But but our parents have been through a lot of this and our siblings have been through a lot of this And so we're gonna focus on friends and adolescents that are very much like us and and available to us then as young adults our priorities changed again as young adults then as So we're we're when we're in college and graduating college and so forth in proximity is still an issue in that sense But it's not as much of an issue. We're gonna start to pursue individual interests much more So we're gonna have choices about being involved in you know, I don't have to be here except for work Maybe I don't have to be anywhere So I'm gonna start choosing activities that I'm interested in that's gonna allow me to To really pursue friendships with people who have a more in common with me people who have similar interests to me People who like the same sports team or like to go to trivia night or like to do whatever it is that you like to do We're gonna be able to be have more access to those kinds of groups and activities So we're going to become friends with people who are who are there and probably have the same interests as us All right, so that makes sense as young adults then we have more choices So we're going to start seeking out people who we think we want to hang out with and We try and be the person that they want to hang out with as well Then we get into adulthood you know things start to change again as we start to here We see things like getting married and having children and those things we really have an impact on on your External relationships and and how you view friendship and how you view the world period So in adulthood we start to things start to take on a little different color as well And then finally when we're in later adulthood It's interesting because we almost kind of come back around to our siblings in many ways often times We see people come come full circle and come back around to where their their best friends actually are their siblings Are and are their parents if they're living so they they again cultivate and begin relationships with with People that had been a part of their lives and will continue to be a part of their lives like their family members and people like that so whatever stage a friendship you're in and whatever type of friend whatever part of the lifespan you're in and Whatever you're looking for. I just I just hope you're able to now a little more fully appreciate the different aspects of friendship and Understand where your friends may be coming from and what you expect of them and what they expect of you as we move forward If you have questions about this about friendship about any type of interpersonal relationship, please feel free to email me I'd love to hear from you there in the meantime I hope that you will give greater consideration to your friendships and have more appreciation for your friendships and And the role that communication plays in forming and maintaining those bonds