 We invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as the squalor. When Luigi Basko left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Basko, Dear Mamma Mia, most wonderful thing about America is that the system of a transportation they got here. Like a fellow user told me, Luigi in America is nothing easier than to get it taken. If you want to go someplace they got a streetcar, buses, a taxi, a subway. And yesterday I'm even reading the paper how one a fellow is across the whole country by term. Of course the fastest the way to travel here is by airplane. You should have seen those airplanes of Mama Mia. All day long they're flying over Chicago and I know they all are going to Washington because every time I'm a look up it's a say on the plane, DC-6. Next the fastest thing to airplane in Chicago is the taxi. No, no, I make a mistake of Mama Mia. Faster than a taxi is a pedestrian. He's got to be faster or as soon as there will be no pedestrians on it. But I'm not trusted the taxis. So Mama Mia, I'm a user-centered of the other transportation system right now and I'm going to go to my native school of class and I take a bus. America, I love you. You like a papa to me. Promotion to ocean. Ah, here comes my bus. Good evening, Mr. Busy Drive. All right, step up and have your dime ready. Sure are here. Ten pennies. Everybody's got ten pennies, funnicles of dollars. Nobody's got dimes. But a penny's, penny's, that's a good American of money. I know. Here's your dime. Thank you. Put it in the slot. All right. Oh, well, here's a fall on the floor. I will find it. I will find it here. All right, now step to the rear of the bus. But what do you want now? Please, I'm a like a transfer. Anything to aggravate me. Here's your transfer. Thank you. That's two cents. Well, please, you got to change it for a quarter. When it comes to transfers, they never got pennies. Only nickels, dimes, quarters. Here's your change. Thank you. And step to the rear of the bus. Mr. Busy Driver, what's the matter now? All the people that pushed up together in the back of the rear, there's nobody in the front. You like that way. Now step to the rear of the bus. Please, Mr. Busy Driver, I'm not meant to fall down, but the bus is a starter suddenly. Oh, starter suddenly. You trying to stay on the economy, you fell to the floor? I'm not saying. Oh, what's the matter? Oh, my thumb is a hurt to me. Oh, building up a case, huh? Please, I'm not building anything. I'm just to go to school. Well, you ain't going to get away with it. I got 300 witnesses in the back of this bus. What's your name? Luigi Basko. What do you want my name for? Your address? 21 or not. The Hollister Street. Oh, my thumb is a hurt. Stop appealing to the people. Ladies and gentlemen, you all witnessed what happened. Will you please pull out these cards? Because I'm in a step to the rear of the bus. All right, class. Quiet, please. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko. Present. Mr. Howard. Present. Mr. Olson. Present. Mr. Schultz. Birthday cake. Mr. Schultz, why do you say birthday cake? With three presents, I figure there must be a party. Mr. Schultz, you're acting silly. Then somebody spiked the punch. Oh, thank you. Thank you, fellow boobers. Who would I be a sensation in television? Milton Schultz. Mr. Schultz, please. Now, class, tonight we're taking up that grammatical part of speech known as the object. Now, who can give us a sentence with an object? I can. All right, Mr. Howard. What is the sentence? I object. No, Mr. Howard. That's not what I want. Now, can anybody else in the class give me an example of an object? If no one else can, Miss Baldwin, I will badly give you 50 sentences containing objects. And I hope everyone falls on him. Over the schmuck of. I know you can, Mr. Olsen, but perhaps first someone else would like to try. Mr. Basko, you haven't said anything. Suppose you give us a sentence with an object in it. Step to the rear of the bus. Well, that's very good. What's the object? My thumb. Your thumb. How did your thumb get into this? Bus is a step and I'm a fall on it. What? Mr. Basko, you're not making much sense. Yeah, that's what I like about Luigi. Good old-fashioned, un-stupidity. Wait a minute. Maybe Luigi is trying to tell us something. Job. I jump in Yemeni. Here's Thomas. Really small, isn't it? That's all right, Mr. Sporting. And if you don't mind, I'm a liker to go home on a socket. Oh, Luigi, if this really happens what you said about the bus, then you are doing the wrong thing. You shouldn't soak the thumb, you should soak the company. You're whole of it. They might give you $500 for the thumb. No, thanks. I'm not going to sell it. You little dumb cut. I remember once my brother Ludwig stepped off a streetcar, got shoved by a taxi into a bus, and the bus knocked him 11 feet. Just then a cop came along. Who was the lucky thing up for a Ludwig, huh? What lucky, the cop gave him a ticket for J-Walking. What a smile, Luigi. I'm just trying to cheer you up. Schultz, you really think Luigi should ask the company for money? Why not? Luigi, you got it open and shut up case. Pick my advice. Well, I don't know, Schultz. Go ahead, Luigi. What can you lose by asking them? Can the bus company make trouble for you? Can they hound you? Can they lock you up in shale? Schultz, can they? Why not? After all, they're only in Eupen. Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi. Hello, hello. Trouble, trouble, trouble. Since I'm bringing you from Italy, always you're getting into trouble. Why wasn't I smart enough to bring over here Perry Como? There's a fellow who's had a nothing. Today he's making a fortune with his own barbershop. Well, my little pumpkin ahead, what's your trouble now? That's a long story. Yesterday, when I went to school, the buses started. Suddenly, I'm a fall down and a height to my thumb. I'm asking the class for help for Schultz to say ask them for money. But this morning, I'm going to get a letter from the bus company because the driver hasn't taken my name and address. What's the trouble, my god? Sure. What do you expect when you go for information to a bird of brain like a Schultz, when all the time you can come to Pasquale for facts, whose head is thicker with them? You're so right to Pasquale. You biggest thick head I know. That's a funny thing. When I'm a sailor, it's a come out of differing. Well, give me the letter you've got. Maybe I can still save you. All right, to here. Bad, bad. Pasquale, you're hauling the letter up a cider down. That's the way you handed it to me. Let me see. There, Mr. Bosco, see U.S. police. What's the Pasquale? It's to say, see us, please. All right, all right. Come tomorrow at 10 a.m. Hey, Luigi, what for? They want to see you in a nighttime. Pasquale, a.m. is in me in the morning. Who's asking you? Now, let me finish. When do you come tomorrow? Ask for Mr. Fenton, who's the head of our clams department. That's the clams department. Luigi, if you keep interrupting, how do you expect to learn anything? Oh, is there no doubts about it? You're going to waste the trouble of your life. Biggest crime in this country is to fall down on a public vehicle and strike you thumb on a bus. And you know why? Why? That's the way they call a bus a strike. Interference with a transportation. Pasquale, what am I going to do? There's only one way out for you, the American way. You got a suit. A suit? Ah, that's the meaning you take of the bus accompanies the court and you take away everything that they got. Pasquale, what am I going to do with all of those buses? Oh, you're stupid, a bull, but you don't get all of the buses. You win and you get maybe five or six. Dumb question this man asks. But Pasquale, isn't this the nicer thing to do? Sew or bus accompanies? What are you talking about, Luigi? In America, everybody's a suit. Look, if you go in a restaurant, the wait is a drop, a hot plate of soup down in your neck, you don't want to wipe it off of your suit. You walk on the street, you trip on a piece of sidewalk, before you hit the ground, there's already a lawyer there, helping you sweep. And I guess this is the way they do things in America? That's a common sense, Luigi. Judges have to live. You know, judges have done to get any commissions on a traffic ticket. The cops, they keep all of the money. But Pasquale, if I was a, like you say, sew this to bus accompanies, what would it be like? Well, Luigi has all the kinds of suits. So let me explain to you. There's the law suits, the civil suits, the criminal suits, and just a plain suit. That's a call to herring a bone. But Pasquale, what kind of suit is it called if I'm a sew the bus accompanies? Well, it depends. You liable to get money from them, but they liable to get money from you. You liable to go to jail, anything's liable to happen. That's what they call a liable to sew. How would you go to jail if you don't mind Pasquale, I'm a rider not to sew. Luigi, the choice is a no more with you. Look at the letter, the bus accompanies a Samuel. See that a red seal on it? Yes, sir. That don't mean the company's a prover by good housekeeping. And if the country red doesn't mean only one thing, FBI is investigating. Pasquale, all I'm gonna do is to fall under my thumb. Stop over the propaganda. First, the thing that we're gonna do is hire you a lawyer. A lawyer? How am I gonna afford the one? Cost you nothing, the lawyers are gonna have for what you get. Of course, I'm gonna give you something for my advice. But Pasquale, what if they don't give me money and they send me to jail? Well, Luigi, in that case, we're not selfish. Yes, sir. We let you keep the whole thing. And now, for the second act of Luigi Vasco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so, Mamma Mia, I'm asking a question. If a man is to fall down in a bus, what should happen? He should have become a self-operator, no? Not in America. Over here, when you fall down in a bus, the driver is attacking you, and he's making people fill out the cards. The bus companies will send you by the letter. You get a hire lawyer, go to see the doctor, sue. Then there's a judge, a jury, witnesses, and an insurance company. Before you know it, the 50 people, they're making a living from you, Tom. Anyway, I'm supposed to go to the bus company today, but the Pasquale is telling me no go. Wait here till he's coming with a lawyer. I don't know what the kind of fellow he is, but I think he must be something like me, very shy. Because in the Pasquale he's a resident, I may hear people talk about him and they call him a shy step. Well anyway, anyway, Mama Mia, I'ma think there's a lot of trouble to go through to get back a $10 dollar doctorate bill from the bus company when he needs to come to Pasquale with his lawyer. Luigi, well, how's it feeling, you Tom? Bad? That's good. Come on, here's just a little sprain of Pasquale. What do you know? Luigi, I want you to meet your lawyer, Mr. Prescott. Prescott at Sir Luigi Bosco, fellow who was a run-over by a bus. Mr. Prescott, I wasn't a run-over. Quiet. Hello, Mr. Prescott. Uh-uh, don't shake hands with a fractured thumb. Mr. Bosco, it's a wonder to me how you could stand up under that excruciating pain that must be racking your body. Isn't that so bad, Mr. Prescott? Luigi, I'm gonna break your neck. Who's no better, how you Tom, a field, you or this smart lawyer who's a went through college? I'm sorry, Prescott. Ah, that's quite all right, Mr. Bosco. I know how you feel. You've been through a terrible experience and you don't want to talk about it. Now, now, Mr. Bosco, how much money do you think you deserve for this dreadful experience you've been through because of the callous negligence of a public carrier? Nobody was a carry me. I was on a bus. Luigi, in a plain of words, tell the man how much money you want. Well, if you think I should have a money, $10 is for the Dr. Biller, will it be enough? $10, Luigi, Mr. Prescott, is he gonna walk right out on you? You gotta ask him for bigger money. $25? So, Mr. Bosco, the mental anguish, the pain in suffering you've been through cannot be paid for in dollars and cents. Then a matter with the drop of the case. Luigi, talk like that is un-American. Go ahead, Mr. Prescott. However, Mr. Bosco, since your misfortune must be measured in terms of money, I would place the value in the thousands. Thousands? Sure, Luigi. Look at that a swirl in the thumb. You realize how expensive is it gonna be for you? Say you go bowling. You can't put that thumb in a regular ball. You're gonna have a special award. Amazing. But, Mr. Prescott, I'm gonna never go bowling. You should. It's a very healthy exercise. Mr. Bosco, Mr. Pascuali has brought up a rather obscure case. But I can see where the loss of the use of a man's thumb would ruin his life. If, um, he were about to embark on a career as a concert pianist. Huh? Who's a concert pianist? You. Me. Oh, you lucky puppy. Yeah, but I was never played the piano. Luigi, when you was a half of that accident on the bus, I was about to send over a teacher. Now, you'll have to give up those concerts in the Hollywood Bowl. That's easily $10, $15,000. $15,000. Then there's the cancellation of your triumph at return tour of the Middle West. $10,000. $10,000. And forfeiting that $5,000 concert at Carnegie Hall. Of course, not to mention the loss of your friendship with Tuscanini, which cannot be measured in dollars and cents. Then remember we dropped the cash. Shut up, Luigi. Then of course your command performance before the king and queen is through. Naturally, you can't take any of the money out of that country, but you could have come out with $3,000 worth of cashmere sweaters. That's a lot of cash. But now you would have swung over to Paris. Luigi, my fellow pooper. Well, Luigi, what's with you and the thumb? Sure, sir, I don't know what's happening. All I know is I've got a piano in my bedroom and I'm a store and a bus to company for $100,000. Luigi, nobody's thumb is worth $100,000 unless maybe if he's a butcher. Now tell me, what's this with the piano? Well, a pasquale is a bring a lawyer. He's telling me with this the better time I'm not going to make $100,000 because a Tuscany is a matter to me and I'm not going to play for the king of England. And that's who I am. I've got a piano in my bedroom. Luigi, are you forshimmelt? Luigi, do you know you are committing perjury? For that, when you got to court, they can take away from you the citizen papers. But I might not forgot the citizen papers. Then they take away any papers they catch you with, the Chicago Times. But I shall still you know me. The last thing I'm going to do is tell a lie. Yeah. But a pasquale is a tell me I'm a got to. Otherwise the bus to company is a send me to jail. Look at this letter, the bus to company is a send me. Let me see that. Here, there, here. Ah, you stupid cop. This means they want to settle with you. You go down there right now. Talk with them and get it over with. Sure, sir. Maybe you're right. I'm going to go right there now. You think I'm going to get into trouble? Of course not. And don't be so worried. Sheer up, Luigi. Be like me. I smile. My room. Mr. Fenton, this is Mr. Vasco. Luigi Vasco, you have his file on your desk. Thank you, Mr. Young Lady. Mr. Fenton, I was a, I was a walking all over your bigger bus to building, but I wasn't able to find the Euclain's office department. I would have come at two hours as soon, but you see I... He says it's quite plain, Mr. Vasco. Sit down. Thank you. Here's your letter. And like you say, I should have come here and I'm bringing my thumb. Where is it? Right here under my left hand. Not your thumb, the letter. I see your thumb. You've got about three yards of bandages on it. Splints and a brace. Your doctor didn't do that, did he? No, wasn't my lawyer. Listen, Mr. Fenton, I'm going to want to make a trouble. Well, good. Cigar? Oh, no, no, no, thank you. I'm going to have a smoke. Once, a long time ago in Italy, my uncle Pietro, he's a, he's a give-his-a-goat, the cigar of the smoke. And the port of goat, he's a getter so dizzy, he's a give-a-two quarts of milk without the hit and the pale. Now, Mr. Vasco, let's get down to cases. I received your lawyer's letter this morning. One hundred thousand dollars. That's preposterous. You people think you can go around making nuisance claims for big money. Mr. Fenton, please, please. I'm be happy to go home and of course... Oh, so that's your attitude. You're willing, now, you're not willing to discuss with me. You think you'd, uh, you'd do better by bringing this case to trial. Let me tell you, our bus company has a 39-year record of public service equal to none. And the courts know that. I'm gonna know that, too, Mr. Fenton. I think you got a very nice bus. My favorite of the color is the yellow with the green. Is it? Oh, sarcastic, eh? I suppose you have some suggestions on how to improve our service. Oh, no. Well, maybe one. You know how your driver is always a yellow. Step up to the rear of the bus. Well, I think you should make it to the rear of the bus. Twice as big as the front there. So then the driver can have the whole front there for himself. Oh, so that's what you're getting at. As your lawyer's letter states, you intend to prove that our driver used loud, coarse, and abusive language? Well, Mr. Basko, that has never happened in our buses, and I'll prove it to you right now. Oh, please, Mr. Fenton. My secretary, Miss Burton, has sent for the driver involved in your accident. Miss Burton, is our driver outside? Good. Send him in. Ah, come in, Mr. Heatherington. Uh, Mr. Basko, is this the bus driver? Yes, sir, that's a him. Heatherington, Mr. Basko says that you use coarse and abusive language with him. Is this true? Mr. Fenton, far be it from me to impugn the gentleman's integrity, but it has constantly been a source of infinite satisfaction to me to convey my passengers to their destinations with the utmost safety, security, and dispatch. Huh? There, Mr. Basko, you have the truth from our driver's own mouth. I think essentially yesterday he's a change of his amount. Heatherington, do you remember this passenger? Indubitably. In a hobbitably? Indubitably. He boarded my bus at approximately 8 p.m. What makes you remember this passenger? Well, when I opened the door, he entered and shouted at me, good evening, sir. Oh, I must shout just a minute, Mr. Basko. He then handed me 10 pennies, throwing my coin changer completely off balance. Go on. He then threw himself upon the floor, causing the bus to swerve, thereby endangering the lives of my passengers. Mama, if I'm to have a hundred thousand dollars, I'ma give it to you. In that case, Mr. Basko, will you sign this paper, releasing us from all pain? All right, sir. I'ma looking for Luigi Basko. Oh, there you are. You're stupid boo, but come outside. I want to talk to you. But we were discussing. I'ma discuss it with him at first outside, and then we come back. So Schultz is no better than me, huh? You could down the bus a company yourself, huh? Well, what's happened? Oh, Basko, he's terrible. They bring in this a bus driver. All of a sudden, he's a talker like Ronaldo Coleman. He's approved. I must start the accident. They say I should sign a release of paper. Sign a release? Luigi, you know what that's a mean when an immigrant is assigned a release. What? Once you sign the paper, you'll release yourself from the United States, so you're never going to come back. Mama, Basko, what am I going to do? Well, my lawyer's very angry with you, but I think I can still get him back on your case. But this time, I'ma no helping you for money or for friendship. This time, it's for something that's bigger than a boat of us. I know it's Russia. That's all right. You hit the nail right on her head. I'ma call her right now. Russia, Russia, Russia. Come here, my little butterfly. Rosa, say hello to Luigi. Hello, Russia. Rosa, Luigi's thinking of marrying you and going on a honeymoon. What do you say to that? Luigi, give me your face. All right, Luigi. Now we call up the lawyer to come right down and I've got a money for the phone booth. You got a necklace, Luigi? I know. All I'm gonna got is a quarter. Papa, I got five pennies. Good. Luigi, take these five pennies and go inside and ask that claims a fella for a nickel. All right. Excuse me, Mr. Fontana, you got a nickel for five pennies? No, I'm sorry. Perhaps Mr. Heatherington has. Mr. Busy, drive it. You got a nickel for five pennies? Pennies, pennies, pennies! What? Nobody's ever got a nickel, a dime, or a quarter. Control yourself, Mr. Heatherington. Step to the rear in a bud! Mama, man, now he's talking with his own amount. Please, you give me a nickel. I'ma gonna call up the lawyer. No, Mr. Basko, please, that won't be necessary. I'll sign a $50 check to you this instant if you'll close the case. Please, I'm just doing a stay in America. Mr. Basko, you'll have no trouble. You'll just take this money and make me happy. All right, then. Well, Luigi, what's the keepin'? You ain't gonna call up my lawyer? No, Basko, the case is a closer. Now I'ma go home. Wait, Luigi, what about Rosa? Goodbye, Basko, I like it. The driver is saying, step to the rear with the U-Bus. And so, Mama Mia, I'ma never thought after so much trouble, everything is gonna come out so fine. What's the company's gonna give me $50? From this, I'ma give a Pascuali as a lawyer $25 if I'm talkin' it to me. $10 at the Pascuali is a $35. $10 a rental over the piano is a $45. $2 for the bandage, which makes a $47, which leaves me nothing. Well, I'ma got $3, but I'ma count that to like nothing. Because tomorrow, when I'ma go to school, I'ma take in a taxi. Good night to Mama Mia. And Mama Mia, you take care of yourself for when you cross in the street. You'll never kind of tell her where the dozer goes. The 11th son, Luigi Basko, the limo guy. The Howard production, and is written by Mac Benhoff and Lou Dermond and directed by Mac Benhoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basko with Alameda's Pascuali, Hans Connery-Schultz, Mary Shippers-Miss Balding and Jody Gilbert as Rosa. Music is under the direction of Lynn Murray. Bob Stephenson speaking. For stories on the merry side of marriage, follow the adventures of the young couple in Young Love every Monday night on most of these same CBS stations. Be sure to hear Young Love tomorrow night. And now stay tuned for the latest madcap adventures of your favorite teenager, Carlos Archer, who follows immediately on most of these same CBS stations. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.