 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure with Susan Miller and Maddie Baldex Orchestra. So, hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and... Where did you get that new car in the parking lot? Oh, I bought it from an old lady in Pasadena. I gave her $500 on a bonus. You had to give the old lady a bonus? Yeah, but was it? An old man. That's William Lou. Say, by the way, why is your Uncle Mike going over to that water cooler so much? He drank a gallon of water. Abbott, I never saw a man as thirsty as Uncle Mike. He drinks about $10 a water a day. Then, at night, he goes into the living room, sits down in his favorite rocking chair. Then, what does he do? He just sits there in rocks and sloshes. Well, maybe it's because your Uncle Mike sailed on the ocean for so many years. He sailed all around the world, didn't he? Oh, yes, yes, indeed, yes. He got a lot of souvenirs too, Abbott. He did. He's got a diamond from South Africa, a jade necklace from China, a whale bone sword from Alaska, and a hula skirt from Hawaii. Wait a minute. Where did he get that shrunken head? That's the barber's fault. He keeps putting those darn hot towels on him. Castella, I think you're an idiot. I beg your pardon? I say I think you're an idiot. You can't say that about me, Abbott. My family dates back to the pilgrims. We're all blue bloods. Who cares about ancestors or heredity? I wouldn't care if my grandfather was a baboon. No, but it would make a lot of difference to your grandmother. I don't get smart, Castella. I'll have to slap you down. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'll have the stuff as you are, and maybe tougher. I'm so tough I could take Joe Lewis apart and see what makes him tick. I could take Jack Dempsey apart too. Any champ in your name I can handle. How about the swimming champ? Mr. Williams, could you take her apart? Look, Abbott, anything put together that good don't need tinkering with you. There are the beans tonight, and they'll be back on it in just about one minute. But first, let's hear this. How did you get those circles under your eyes? Well, I didn't sleep good last night. My brother packed him over to sleep with me, and he brought over his pet skunk and his two goats, and they slept at the foot of the bed. The air was terrible in that bedroom. Well, why didn't you open the window? What, let my pigeons fly away? Why did you open the door? Every time I opened the door, my pigs went out. Did you get any sleep at all? No, I stayed up until 6 o'clock in the morning reading the dictionary. You read the dictionary all night? Yeah, I couldn't wait to see how it ended. You idiot. The next thing you'll be telling me that you're reading the Los Angeles telephone record. That I wouldn't do. That's good. I'm waiting until they make a movie out of it. I can't sleep at night reading all that junk. Well, I'm not the only one who can't sleep. My aunt may as up all night. What's she got in the stomach? No, before she goes to bed, she puts on face cream, hand cream, vanishing cream, body cream, and foot cream. Well, how does that keep her awake? She keeps sliding out of the bed. We've got to move out of that house, Sabbath. I haven't slept the night since we lived there. I keep looking out the window at that blonde that lives across the street. Why don't you pull down the shade? I can't reach across the street. Shame on you peaking at blonde. I thought you were interested in Susan Miller. Well, no, I'm mad at her. She went in the store yesterday and bought her hat and made me pay for it. Why you cheapskate? I'm a cheapskate, eh? You're the cheapskate, Abbott. Your wife told me that last week you sat in the cellar for three nights. Well, how does that make me a cheapskate? Ten cents you could have baited the trap with real cheese. Right. Just the same. You shouldn't object to buying Susan a new hat. After all, a hat is a woman's crown and glory. When a woman walks down the street, what do you notice first? Her figure? No. Her face? No. Her legs? No. You notice her hat? Look, Abbott, all the kids are in bed now. Let's give the right answer. How do you manage to increase your stupidity and ignorance? I've been putting in a lot of overtime, Levy. You wouldn't be so ignorant if you read the papers and kept up with what's going on. I read the papers. All right, then, tell me. What do you think of universal military training? I don't think it's fair. Why? If universal is going to have military training, they should give it to RKO, MGM, Republic, Columbia, Monoclon, and Fox. To say nothing of Eagle Line in National Studios. You idiot. Universal military training is designed to put more young men in the army. I hope that they put me in the army to give me back my old job. What's that? Deserter. You were a deserter in the army? Oh, I was just kidding, Abbott. I was one of the bravest guys in the army. In all the battles, I was right with a bull's foot of thickest. Where was that? Underneath the ammunition truck. That's what I thought. I just threw that in. I should have thrown it out. I think you should have. Oh, Mr. Costello. Mr. Costello. Mr. Costello. Say, would you like to go out on a double date with me tonight? Who are the girls? Well, there are a couple of hula dances from Salt Lake City. They got hula dances in Salt Lake City? Yes, with all that salt. They've got to have a few shakers. How do you like that? He forgot to tell me where to meet him. Why don't you get girls off your mind? Costello, the only thing that will cure you is marriage. I was like you wouldn't till I got my wife on a string. Not a string. You should have had her on a leash. Right. I don't want to get married anyway, Abbott. Married life is like driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Why? Everybody starts shelling at you when it's too late to back out. Anyway, I'm too young to get married. I'm only 21, and I don't know my own mind. You don't know your own age either. Just a minute, please. You don't know your own age? Show me in the script where it says that. It's not in there, that's all. Wait till I get back. All right. I'm here. Now, go ahead. You made it up so wide. You know, I like to get off a good joke, too. You better get off that one before it hatches. We keep this up so I can throw my script away. You're reading a script? I understand that Betty Grable asked you for a date last night. Yes, but I turned it down. Why? She's no Heddy Lamar, you know. Then why don't you go out with Heddy Lamar? She's no Lana Turner. Then why don't you go out with Lana Turner? She's no Betty Grable. Wait a minute, Costello. We're right back where we started. I know, but look where we've been. Look, why don't you... Why don't you quit chasing girls and propose to Susan Miller? I did have it. I took her for a ride last night and I asked her to marry me. Did she answer you in the affirmative? No, she answered me in the car. Look, you dummy, when you proposed, you had hopes. Did her answer coincide with that hope? Why should she go inside with hope? She was sitting outside in the car with me. Listen, Costello, please. Let Hope get his own girl. All right, listen to me. I'm only trying to find out the result. How about the girls we had last night? You and I. All right, let's not talk about that. You had no kick coming. I'm not kicking. You had the best look of them. All right. Yours had teeth. All right. Yours had teeth, too. Did you see that tooth? Yeah, I saw that tooth. Mine had so much bridge work every time I kissed her, I had to pay toll. All right, let it go. I'm trying to find out the result of your proposal. I'm always trying to find my place again, Tom. It's not Susan to marry. Right. All right. Right. Right. So I'm trying to find out how you proposed. Were you poetic? Poetic. Yeah. I was poetic. You were? I wrote her a beautiful poem. That's swell. Goes like this. To Susan Miller. Susan, our marriage would be so dandy, as sweet as a five-pound box of candy. I'll be your pop and you'd be my lollies. Just like Thibba McGee and Molly. Look, Castell, it's Susan Miller. Susan, you look wonderful tonight. In parentheses, sniffs. Do I smell Christmas night? I don't know, Castello. I've never been out with you on Christmas night. I'm out with him every night. That's wonderful perfume you have on Abbott. What is that? This air? Yes. Oh, Chanel. $10 a bottle. $10 a bottle. Get a load of this. What is that? Ketchup. Susan, that's a lovely dress you're wearing. Thank you. I knitted it myself. It certainly cleans, doesn't it? Yes. It looks like it's afraid to let go. Susan, if you want to let me $10, I'll take you out tonight. Castello, I never lend money. Lending money breaks friendship. Money is the root of all evil and you should never let money stand in the way of a friendship. Now, which would you rather have? The money or my friendship? Could you let me have it in small bills? I'm on you trying to borrow money from Susan. Here, I'll give you $10. Now, where are you going to take Susan? To some high-class spot where we can rumba. Castello, do you know how to rumba? Oh, sure. Just get out on the floor and make out like you've got a broken crankshaft. How about a Susan? Is it a date? Oh, I'm not going out with you on borrowed money. Get some money of your own. Why don't you get a job? Well, I had a job as a grease monkey, but I quit. Why? I found out you can't make no money greasing monkeys. You're a slippery little son of a gun. Castello, why don't you set your invention? You can make some money that way. Castello, you have an invention? Oh, sure. Good one, too. I invented a new safety match. No matter what you do to it, you can't strike it. It won't light and it won't burn. Well, what's a match like that good for? It's for people that don't smoke. Hey, Castello, why don't you take Susan down to the beach? That won't cost you any money. No? No money at all, huh? Well, nothing doing. I was down at the beach last Sunday. I fell asleep on a sand and butter that I get sunburned. Were you really sunburned? Susan, I was so red when I woke up, a lobster was trying to drag me under a boardwalk. You're a sissy. Why don't you take Susan to the beach? Nothing doing. Every time I go to the beach, I get hurt. The last time I went in swimming, a crab bit one of my toes off. Which one? How do I know? What do you mean? Why don't you take Susan to the beach and stop all this following your hour? Oh, it's no use, bud. Castello isn't my type. The man I want must be romantic. He must see me as a drifting boat without a sail on the storm-tough sea of life. And he must pilot me into the harbor of matrimony. You don't want a man. You want the coast guard. Sorry, Castello, but the kind of man I could go for is the outdoor type, the type you see down at the beach. That's the guy that rings the bell for me. I knew it, Abbot. She's in love with a good humor man. Castello, I'm speaking of the lifeguard. Goodbye. Well, Castello, it looks like the only way you can win Susan is to become a lifeguard. I'll do it, Abbot. I can see myself now plunging into the sea, dragging beautiful, beautiful dames all out of the water to safety. I'll be the lacquenvar of Long Beach, the pride of Pismo, the octopus of Ocean Park. Now you're talking. There's only one thing that might hold me back. What's that? I can't swim. And as the plot thickens, we'll ring down the curtain on the nonsense just long enough to bring you this message. Here's Susan Miller and Matthew Malnick's Orchestra. Yes, and here's a good place to use them. Here they are, folks, the musical talent of the Abbot and Castello show. This can't be love because I feel so well. Love, I get no dizzy spare and still just... Boy, my sister Olive is going to let you use her swimming pool so you can learn how to swim and become a lifeguard. Who knows? You may turn out to be one of the greatest swimmers in the country. Yeah, Abbot. I'll be the next thing that's to Williams. You dummy, that's to Williams as a girl. You mean you'll be next to Johnny Weismiller. You get next to who you like and I'll get next to who I like. Oh, never mind. Let's go in this store. I'm going to buy you a bathing suit. Yeah, Abbot. They got nice things in the store. There's a red bathing suit that would fit me. That's not a bathing suit. That's a suit of long underwear. Oh, shucks. And I was figuring on carrying my water wings in that big back pocket. Come on, Castella. Oh, Clark. My friend Castella here would like to get a bathing suit. What would you suggest? Well, with his shape, I'd recommend a pair of trunks. Trunks? Yes. They're the only things that accommodate the excess baggage you're carrying. Now, listen, you don't have to come into the store and get myself in solid. I can stay home and read my fan mail, you know. Come on, Castella. Take off your straightened coat and let the man measure you. Okay. There. Mine. Mine. I see you have some girls' pictures tattooed on your chest. Who are they? Three old sweethearts of mine. Sally, Irene, and Mary. Hmm. I only see Irene and Mary. I wonder what's become of her. Clark, come on. Will you quit stalling around and measure, Castella? He's in a hurry. He wants to learn to swim so he can get a job at the beach. Hmm. A lifesaver? No thanks. I'll never eat between meals. What kind of lifesavers I'm talking about? Save lives. That must be the new flavor. Sulfonylamide. We have a seal out there. Now, listen, Fat Joe. When I said you want to be a lifesaver, I didn't mean a lifesaver like the kind of lifesaver you buy when you buy lifesavers. I'm talking about the kind of lifesaver that saves lives. And that has nothing to do with the kind of lifesavers you buy when you buy lifesavers. Oh, you mean you're talking about the kind of lifesavers that you buy when you buy lifesavers? They have nothing to do with the kind of lifesavers that saves lives and not like the lifesavers you buy when you buy lifesavers. Now you've got it. If I've got it, you better drop a little bit before it gets away. Come on, Castella. Buy the bathing suit. Let's get out of here. Hello, Brother Bud. I see you brought one of those blown up rubber life rafts. Castella is ready for you to teach him to swim. Well, Castella, I'm all ready for the pool. I put on this new bathing suit just for you. It's backless and fastless. How do I look? Skinless and boneless. Love you look wonderful since you came out here to California. Ah, yes. This California weather is wonderful. You know, I've got California under my skin. Looks like a part of Texas Crep under there, too. Give me lessons. Do you know anything about diving? No, but I used to go with a girl. I was a pretty good diver. The only trouble with her was that she was so skinny. Every time she made a jackknife dive, she cut herself in five places. I remember her. She was quite a diver. Oh, yes. Once she dived off a hundred foot board just like that diving champ. Buster Cram. Not only that, she flattened the mackerel. Oh, boy. Susan Miller going to be proud of me. I got myself a dive as a lifeguard. That's wonderful, Castella. How did you manage to do it? They hired me for three reasons. First, ability and intelligent. Second, courage and fortitude. Well? Courage and fortitude. Well, what was the third reason? I was the only guy that applied for the job. Castella, I don't know how you ever got that job as lifeguard. You know, absolutely nothing about the water. Is that so? One time I swam five miles out in the ocean and suddenly I had a cramp and I couldn't move. How did you get back? Well, I got dizzy and my head started to swim and it brought my body back to shore. Furthermore, I was in a Navy, and it kicked me out because I like to sleep with the windows open. Why should they kick you out of the Navy for sleeping with the window open? I was on a submarine at the time. You were in the Navy. You told me you didn't know how to swim. Well, I was only kidding at it. When I was a little boy, I used to go swimming in a pond near Paterson. And out of the city, put up a sign on the pond that said, Blue Castello Swam here. Who put up the sign? The Paterson Chamber of Commerce? No, the Paterson Board of Health. Do you think you know enough about life-saving to be a lifeguard? I even learned all the lifeguard signal codes. They signal with whistles like this. What does that mean? That means a child is in trouble. Now listen to this one. What does that mean? That means a woman is in trouble. Are there any more? Here's another one. What does that mean? Man, looking for trouble. Here, I'll give you a practical lifeguard's test. Now, you're a lifeguard. Suddenly, you see four helpless people out in the sorry plane to an overturned boat. What do you do? You sit on a beach and read the funny paper. Why aren't you out there with those four helpless people clinging to that boat? There's no sense in five of us clinging to that boat. Oh, talk sense. Let's get down to the beach. I want to get a lot of you as a lifeguard. Fat boy, are you the new lifeguard? Yes, I'm the new lifeguard. Who are you? Who am I? Read the letters on my sweatshirt. S-L-O-B. Hey, yeah, but this guy's a slob. Oh, no, no, Castella. That's S-L-O-B. That stands for superintendent, Los Angeles Ocean Beaches. Superintendent, this is Castello. Well, fine. Fine. Now, Castello, all the lifeguards on this beach use the Australian crawl. They use the what? Australian crawl, Australian crawl. Did you ever see an Australian crawl? I was in Australia for two years. They walked just like you and me. One more question, Castello. Suppose you want to find out the condition of the water. What do you do? Well, if I wanted to find out how the water is, I just call a dog. You mean a dog can tell you how the water is? Sure, I'll show you. Look, here's the dog over here. Hey, doggy. Doggy. Doggy. Nice doggy. Come here, doggy. Doggy, how is the water? Any more questions? Castello, I think you'll make a fine lifeguard. Now, all you got to do is pull beautiful girls out of the water when they're in trouble. The job is worth $60 a week. I don't have cash, and I have money, but could I pay it in installments? Well, Castello, let's go down to the beach and see if there is anybody we know. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? Castello, what are you... How do you do? What are you doing? Shaking hands with an octopus. Hey, but look at that stunning blonde and that black bathing suit. Castello, if you were a real lifeguard, you wouldn't give that blonde a second look. You're right. I will give her a second look. That's better. I ain't through with the fish look yet. Look, Castello, there's a girl drowning. Here's a chance for you to be a hero. Quick, swim out and save her. Okay, Abbott, here I go. Watch me swim. Castello, where's the girl? Girl, it's your sister, Alam. She's out there fighting a shark. Well, you're the lifeguard. You're supposed to help. He helped? Why should I help? That shark got himself into that trouble with your sister. Let him fight his way off the fish when he can't. Boys, we'll have a curtain call by Abbott and Castello after a final reminder on this subject. We've gone on beach all day. Look, Abbott, we're standing right on a spot where you buried your mother-in-law in the sand last summer. Well, what about it? Don't you think it's time you dug her up? Oh, good night. All right, it is time for another great Abbott and Castello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malnick in his orchestra. So goodbye until this save time next Wednesday. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.