 Skin mashed all over the dashboard and I scooped it up with my hands and I said this was your daughter, man Welcome to episode number 31 of the Michael and Marty podcast that we are coming at you live out of for forest Forest it's a double F a forest a Gryffindor forest and we are not talking anymore We're gonna do this whole podcast in mime so if you listen to this on spotify go to our YouTube channel Marty and Michael for the actual subscribe because there's not many. All right, let the miming begin And that was the this week's shit talk So if you want to see that you go to our YouTube channel spotify and fuck around anymore We're not we're not fucking around anymore. You're what you're just listening go and watch it Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you're you're in a place where you can't really like watch a screen. Well, they're driving. Fuck it Well, then make time for it like wake up earlier or go to bed later Like lying bed and watch it just just go to the YouTube and see what we just did because honestly that'll never happen again and you if you want to If you want to consume that content you don't want to miss that what we just because we just told a story about the time We were 15. I feel sick man. I feel sick. I've had too many beers. Yeah that don't Just get on get on board because at the end of the day It's Oprah Winfrey's birthday again, and she's 72 today. She has three Happy birthday Oprah. We know you're a big fan of the show and she's actually the one who sent us all these plants Michael's mopping up urine that he's just gone and pissed down his legs and Which we know is something that Oprah loves. So there you go, bro. I give right back at you Right back at you there for the for the plants, so let's call it even shall we Also on this day in 13 at 53 at 6 p.m. On a Wednesday afternoon, it was raining and Stairs were invented Yeah before it was only elevators. I know before that it was just Inclines hills they just put hills and shit is that how they came about that's just how they went upstairs They just put a hill there And now there's stairs so like that's fucking good shit man And that happened today a couple of years ago. So fuck me. That's great Keep inventing stairs and shit man Because at the end of the day, you don't know where you're gonna be Could be downstairs or upstairs. Yeah, well it's changed everything. You don't there's no more levels It's just you are there or you're not there, but it's stairs that divide it. You know what I mean? No, dude, I'm feeling it up Just me know what I mean. Yeah, so like piss away. Michael's just still mopping up You know from Danny's legs. He's pissed a bit on the seat And he's actually using a tea towel to do that and he will use that in the kitchen later To dry dishes to you know mop up food off the counter their cups that you drink coffee from So, yeah, it's it's it's all going really well. Yeah, we're in a good place Yeah, as as we've heard well, it's the same Night as the last podcast. We're just repeating it. We do two every night now Marty's still you're still coughing up blood Yeah, but he doesn't have cancer and Like what's it called pneumonia? That's nothing unless you're old. That's fine. So you're in a good place too. We're all we're all well Well, live is still a bit Struggly, but yeah, but the doctors don't know shit these days. Yeah, that's so true. Doctors don't even know what like Like they don't even like if you told the doctor to build a house it'd be like what what are you talking about? That's practical. Like, yeah, he would have no idea how to build a staircase like a house So like whatever, you know, you got to take it with a grain of salt These are the people that tell you what's wrong with you but they can't can't even build a table or stairs That's that's the end of the this week's shit talk, which of course leads us into our our first proper segment which has been renamed to Oh the pizza's here Oh, and this It's a strange name for a segment. I know but this is just a segment where we read fan questions This is the dominoes that we prank all every week. We actually gone and finished an order. This is huge This is mom This could be the title of the podcast it could be We order pizza from the place that we prank all every week This is from locky underscore mckillip. And mckillip is spelled m c k i l l o p He has asked Is it hard work being the best? great question No When you are something it's not hard to be who you are. It's just you are You know what I mean It's like asking someone is it is it hard to be Tall not so hard. You just are tall. You know what I mean? So it's just it's it's who we are So no it's not hard at all We don't even try to be the best. We just happen to be the best so No to answer your question. No, it's not hard at all And if you're trying to be the best you aren't the best if you're the best you just are the best without even trying Because if you try then you aren't that right? Well, if you're trying you're automatically not the best because you have to try to be the best And the best people in the world don't even try to be the best. You know what i'm saying? There's marty and michael Bruce willis is maybe a centimeter underneath and then ian thorp. ian thorp is yeah Yeah, he's no. I reckon he might be on par with bruce night He is under bruce willis there's um kathy freeman and jackie jackie just Yeah, you just anyone named jackie They're pretty cool bruce willis is the only one i'm competing with in my mind And that's all I think about who like why are you the best? Or something. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, it's just we are next All right, next question is kevin korthra korthra is spelled c a w th r a seven and he's asked Are canadians a bunch of polar bear riding moose ass fuckers? No I every canadian i've met has been rad as fuck i've only met 14,317 canadians so i can't really comment But those that I have met have had sex with bears this one's from kaelian dot mcdonald Hey, it's me again. Haha. I come up with shit ideas, but I'll try um Can you talk about what is like getting sweet by magpies and what it felt like? his worst fear is Magpies when I was a little boy living in uh country farm in Australia What was the clifton clifton? I was walking home From the shop with some lollies in my hands My house was like 100 meters away and the magpie I started attacking me. I ran I ran it was like a super aggressive magpite It had me pinned to the ground like if I if I stood up it would hit me in the head And I was like just screaming covering my head And my father came out with an illegal gun And shot the magpie and they're protected so it's highly illegal clipped its wing and it fell to the ground And then he came out and grabbed it by the legs and slapped it on the road and killed it And told me to get inside so ever since then I've been a bit uh traumatized from magpie attacks So when a magpie attacks me it feels like a um hot knife being driven into my spine And I uh Bleed funny story with magpies and I will not name the cousin 15 When I was under 10 years old and I I wasn't I said no to this So it's not my fault. He did it But he I guess had a hate for magpies as did your father And he would Get bread and scrunch penadol up into the bread And then he'd feed the bread to the magpies And if you feed a bird penadol Which is like a painkill like a common painkiller you can get from your chemist What would happen is the magpie would all of a sudden he'd be disorientated actor weird get real whacked out and then Like it wouldn't explode, but the the stomach of the magpie would just go And expand that's a lot of it So he used to do that and I saw it once and it scarred me But i'm fine with them. I liked the videos the science videos we did for humanity on magpies I saw you're feeding him bread after the video No, no, I didn't have oh he did one minute. Yeah, maybe um That was my cousin. I won't name him But if you feed birds penadol, they're their um stomachs go They expand and they they don't don't do that though. Yeah. Yeah, um, and uh, yeah So that's why that's why magpies are horrifying and a lot of people have horrific magpie stories I died I died not that long ago because he was trying to get away from one and he slammed into a Fence or some dumb shit the fucking Yeah, yeah, he wasn't good at riding and he's yeah, not good at dodging Um, all right next question is from underscore jack or anson underscore Have you ever used your pubes as floss before? No, but we have smoked pubes, uh for a video I've smoked Michael's pubic hair And he did we didn't floss our teeth or anything. Um, but yeah, it's not that big It's yeah, it's it makes you feel sick though. Don't do it. We do this so you don't have to I think next questions from Phoebe chatfield 27 Who's the smartest out of you both? Uh, Matthew Brown from wholesome. He's got an IQ of 172 No, no, no out of us two. I used to pay Marty. What was it? $50 for to complete an assignment and $100 if it was an a There was one time I to me About the grades that he got because he didn't want to pay me the $100 But then my mom told him on a later day. Oh, thanks for getting more. No, she was like She didn't know that I was you're paying me but she's like, oh Mark has been doing really well. I got an a in his last assignment. No, really Really, Michael, you got an a fucking lying dog Ah, but yeah maths is hard so if you can find a cool friend to do it do that. All right next question This is from h.m. Frase. Why are you guys so good? Fuck me these questions Spot on actual really good question. I've been meaning to answer this one for the 15th time So, what happens is, like, you're born, right, and some people have a certain set of skills. Some people are just born. They're good at cooking. They're good at drawing. They're good at singing. Some people are just born the best. And it just so happens that the talent that we were born with was being really good and being the best at everything and also just being, like, just overall, like, the best fucking biggest legends ever. So that was what we were gifted with and we didn't practice this skill. I didn't ask for it. We didn't practice. We didn't. There's nothing we said or did. We were just, we just were this good. So at the end of the day, you're born with it. If you're not born with it, don't fucking try. Don't just fuck off. Find what you're good at and then stick with that. If you're not born with the being the best thing, then don't try and be the best. You can be maybe fourth or fifth best. That's respectable. Like, Bruce Willis is almost there. Oh, man, he's on par, I reckon. So it's, yeah, some people, it's just, yeah, it's just whatever hand you dealt. But don't complain because some people aren't the best, but then they're, like, good at, you know, doing dishes or some shit. Like, you're the best at getting into your mom, out of all the sperm. And that's one thing. But then you've got to deal with the world after. But last question is from Semi with a double M dot two one zero eight. He's asked, have you ever been so high from shrooms that you saw Santa Claus and started giving out free presents to public in the name of science? Well, no, but should we tell about our shrooms experience? Like, the times we've done, or the worst, weirdest time we've done shrooms. Yeah, we've done shrooms many times, but yeah, we haven't had that exact scenario. But yeah, I have, what's the weirdest one for you? The worst one for me was at Henry's place when I, when took like four of those shroom caps and then did heaps of weed and then it all hit all once. And then I was so disorientated that I didn't know where I was. I would be talking to someone and then I'd realized that I was in a completely different room than I thought I was in. And then I like, I started panicking a little bit and I had to sit down for like six hours and wait for the hire to come off. Because I was just, I literally couldn't even make my way to the toilet because I was that disorientated. My worst was when I did him the first time ever in Amsterdam. They're truffles and I asked for the strongest ones I could because they're legal there. None of my friends that are on the Europe trip did him just me. They wanted to go out drinking, so they took me out drinking. I've taken him an hour earlier. I'm sitting at the bar and then I was like, they don't do anything. So fuck it. I bought a white widow, the strongest marijuana joint you could buy from the bar, smoked it. Next minute I'm paralyzed seeing fairies. Like the weirdest colors is your whole perception goes. They want to go out clubbing. They take me clubbing. And then next minute I'm in a nightclub with mirrors. I'd be looking up at the mirror and seeing everyone in like the 1940s with top hats. It's all black and white. I look back down at the dance floor, look back up at the mirror. Then everyone's just there's blood everywhere. Everyone's dead. Then I've got this chick dancing next to me that is literally Betty boo. The cartoon character Betty boo is dancing next to me. Well, she was just out that night. And then they take me outside to the streets and they're drunk hooligans at 20 years old. Trying to push over this little smart car. We would have done it too if it weren't for your intervention. I was telling him not to. I was like, this is how we get arrested. And you're like, no, fuck it. I was like, no, no, because I'm so paranoid on everything. And then they're like halfway almost over tipping this car. And then eventually like, okay, oh, Michael doesn't like it. Let's go. So they take me to a boat. They get on some stranger's boat on the canal. Oh, yeah. Start like breaking shit on their boat. I'm like, get off their boat. And then you take me to a bridge and there's a beanie on the bridge. And that beanie was a squirrel. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. And then, yeah, it was don't do drugs. All right. This leads us to our next segment, which has been renamed to. And of course, this segment is just where we talk about an old story. And so we're going to talk about the time when we went camping and did a lot of fucked up shit. Because we're fucked off, dude. I just want to piss in peace. I'm sick of it. Financially, all right. I'll go to the bathroom and fuck you, dude. This is my house. We do this at my house. If I want to piss in a bottle, let me piss in a bottle. Don't make me piss all over myself. And I'm a guest. I'm a guest. You should let me shake your hand. Dude, you can see it coming out right now. Yeah, sort of splashing around God. It's all I have to have a shower after this. God damn it. Anyway, so this is a story. I'm so uncomfortable. I just want to go to the toilet. I don't want to talk about no story right now. There's piss or fuck you. So we were about what 18? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were like 18, 19. So we decided to all go camping. And of course none of us know how to set up tents or any of that shit. And we went with a few friends who did and also a lot of friends who didn't. We got there and we waited for the friends who knew how to set up tents to do that. All the while we started drinking a lot. So drinking heaps. And of course, it wasn't long before we took a car while we were fucking hammered. There was like a famous four wheel drive track where we were staying. And it's like, I don't know, 8 p.m. Now, so it's dangerous pitch black. I know like four pissed people on the back of the Ute myself included and three pissed people driving the Ute as fast as they could. First time ever four wheel driving up a mountain. Do you remember me falling out when we hit the bump and I ran like I took air and do you remember that? No, okay. We were that drunk. Yeah, I remember Minzi being really scared when we're in the tray and I was just piecing myself laughing as we're getting air over the bumps and he was starting to look really scared because there's like cliffs on the other side. Like you could not fuck up. You roll the Ute like but just survive if you roll it. Yeah, yeah, just get out obviously or jump out of the way. But anyway, so we did that and we managed to survive somehow. Then we get back to the campsite and start. Throwing bottles of deodorant and butane cans and whatever we can find. So it would be like we throw something on the fire and then we'd all run back and hide and sometimes they didn't explode and we'd gotten like people over to our campsite that we didn't even know because obviously there was a party going on. So these strangers have come to have fun with these fucking wacky dudes taking everything too far, breaking shit just because they don't they just don't want to fuck that they don't care about our campsite. So they're happiest, happiest as fuck. Seeing as destroy it and then the next minute. Yeah. So it's just getting everyone's just getting super fucked. Everyone like there's at this stage. There's still like, you know, a lot of seats around our fire. A lot of wooden chairs, a lot of plastic crates and and so we start sort of, you know, the fire starts going down and we couldn't be fucked at getting more wood. So we just one by one start tossing all of the seating into the fire and you know, plastic crates, wooden chairs before you know it. There's literally no chairs left. So everyone is now standing around the campfire up in flames like three meters high. So so we went on the hunt for wood and I can't remember who I was with. I was with someone, but I found a tire, a full car tire and and the person I was with. No, no, no. They leave out like it's really the fumes are really like poisonous and toxic. Don't don't shut up and it burns for hours. So I grabbed the tire and sprinted back to camp and just tossed it straight on and everyone was so annoyed because because we had to leave the campsite like we had to stand a long way away from the campsite. The cops came the next day. Yeah. And so there's black smoke billowing from the fire, but it got the fire going. But inside tires is like steel string. What's a steel string? Which I didn't know. So science. Well, yeah, it was worth it. It was for the beneficial. Yeah. And so it was it was it was a fuck tonight. And then to end the night once the tire fire had died down a bit, you know, the drinking had continued and then to top the evening off. Michael wanted to show everyone his little party trick and stood about two meters away from a dying fire and pulled his pants down and shot a very high pressure stream stream of shit straight into the middle of the fire. Like it looked like I don't even know how you'd explain it. It was just a cylinder stream of shit straight into the middle of a fire and burning shit doesn't smell very nice. And there's like all these girls there. So we hate us after that. And so again, again, we all had to leave the campsite temporarily. Yeah. And then the next morning, you know, we all ended up passing out eventually and then the next morning the cops came because that had heard some complaints and they just wanted to see what happened and we didn't really remember and apparently people had called up because we'd driven not us because we'd never drive drink drive. But one of a friend of a friend drank drove to other people's properties around the campsite and we'd stolen their wood and that's why the cops were called and they were like, oh, you got apparently there's reports of people stealing and your car was identified with the number plate, blah, blah, blah. And we just denied it. And if you ever get in a trouble with police, never ever admit it because as soon as you do, you're fucked. But if you deny it, they won't follow it up. They just gave us. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. We'll contact you at a later date. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then next year and we could have a shit file with a tire in it and everything was okay and no one got fine. So that's what happened when we went camping and that's our first time going camping again this Thursday night with Shami and Jaden and Jashan. So who knows what's going to happen there? But at the end of the day, fuck off. Yeah. This week, we're going to do a brand new segment called prank calls prank calls. Yeah. And it's a segment where we just do a prank call. So it's a new one. We'll call it the und the unmindful man. We'll call it the selfish bitch. Yeah. Yeah. So he's just going to try and order pizza, but I'll just segue the conversation into things about myself. Hey, would I be able to place a pickup auto, please? Yes, please. Yeah. Would I be able to get a Margarita pizza, please? Yeah. Is that what are the different types of bases that comes on? Right, I'll look, I'll get the the classic simply because it reminds me of the time my wife and I competed in the classic ballroom dancing competition. Up north about four years ago and we placed fifth in the semi-final. So it's pretty pretty good achievement. I think for only practicing for about six months of the year there. So I'll, yeah. Yeah. So well, I'll get I'll get the classic there. Yeah. And I'll get I'll get you guys have Hawaiian pizzas. Don't you? Yeah. Yeah. Just just just a Hawaiian, please. Yeah. Yeah. So one one Margarita, yep. And one Hawaiian. So it reminds me of a funny story actually visited Hawaii for the fourth time last August, actually. And with it for about six weeks staying in a five star hotel and we actually ran into Kelly Slater. Do you know the famous server? Yeah. So yeah. And anyway, one thing led to another. And you know, I'm a bit talkative and and we ended up having a beer or two at the bar there actually with Kelly Slater. So it's pretty pretty awesome. So yeah. Anyway, yeah, I'll get the Hawaiian and I'll also get the do you guys have any meat meat lovers? Isn't it the the mom? Yeah, right. I'll look, I'll get a meat lovers. You're going to hate me for this, but actually also it reminds me of a story there. I used to collect different types of Salami back in back in London and I would wholesale sell them to all the butchers there and we actually got a third place in the in the district Salami competition there three years running. So yeah, yeah. So we we definitely know our we definitely know our Salami you could say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's well, you know, obviously I don't my expectations on that high. But yeah, so we definitely know our Salami. Yeah, listen, what sort of sides do you guys have there? What sort of sides or entrees or whatever you'd like to call them? What sort of right? Yeah, I'm that. Listen, listen to me bloody go on. But the we actually had this great garlic bread in Paris not that long ago actually. And yeah, they served it with this great really rich dark bottle of red wine. I took a photo of it. I can it's it was just so delicious. It went so well with this garlic bread. I might have to pop off to the bottle shop and see if I can find something similar to to go with the with garlic bread. But yeah, it was it was actually quite expensive that wine. It was it was about 400 450. Yeah, 450 euro or something for that little wine. Yeah, yeah. And I'll just get a drink as well. Do you guys have a mountain? Do you? Is it mountain? Look, look, I'll get the large simply because here we go again. Not that long ago we we we climbed the mountain ranges in in Nepal there and oh my God, you would not believe the view from the top. We got to base camp after the first evening and tracked all the way up to the very top. It took us about three days and we're with one of the Sherpas there. So friendly. You would not believe one of the friendliest guys I've ever met didn't speak a word of English. Yeah, he took us all the way to the top there and the view was just outstanding. You wouldn't believe it. So yeah, we're quite physically fit. So yeah, we like to keep fit and healthy. So, you know, every now and then we treat ourselves to a little bit of a peach or something. But yeah, so we're we're very much looking forward to to tasting your your meal this evening. Yes. Yes, that's about that. That's about right. Can I just have a name, please? Is it how much 35 is that? Is that it? Oh, that's that's great. Can I can I just can I just say quickly your customer service? Wow, it's it's quite impeccable. It actually reminds me of this time we went to a Michelin star restaurant in in Rome. And yeah, it was you might know the chef. He was called Hromokantin and yeah, he he is just this really renowned international chef and he cooks the greatest pasta and yeah, your your customer service honestly actually reminds me of the the front of house there. Her name was and she was just a lovely lady. So yeah, I would go as far as saying that your customer services is right up there. So you're doing very well doing very well. Yeah, that's no worries at all there. So yeah, take that on board. Yeah, sure. My name is Clancy McLaren. Clancy is spelled C-A-L-L-N-2-7. 14 hours A-N-S-W-E-2-7 the number two and seven at the end that's silent. This is a pickup, please. And and McLaren Clancy McLaren C-A-W-L. A-N-C-S-W-E-2-7 C-S-W-E-2-7 and the two and seven are silent there. So just be sure to pass that on to the person calling out the order that obviously you don't pronounce the two seven at the end. It's just a silent thing. It's a Bulgarian thing which is where my heritage is from actually. I was I was born there and sort of migrated around Eastern Europe for a while with with my mother and father and two brothers and probably in what's it 1997 we made the move down to Sydney. And yeah, we set up shop there and we bought a small little little convenience store there. Well, my father did. And yeah, it wasn't long after that. We all we opened a gourmet little little food store and yeah, before you know one thing led to another and yeah, I got into the industry that I'm in now and yeah, I just sort of critique food and stuff. So yeah, it's great. So yeah. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'll just read it. Order it and then you should have kept it. You should have kept a reaction from that. Dude, I wanted you to tell me. I just don't like completing the order because then they start working. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's the whole point. That's the whole point. And we have a long prank call. We don't care about them. You know that. That was a long prank call. Anyway, dude, Bolgaria. Oh, dude. Wow. That's a short podcast. Once it once we edit this down, it will be very short. All right, guys, that is the end of episode number 31. Don't tell anyone who we are. Otherwise, we will come to your fucking house and bash your fucking skull in. Don't ever tell anyone that don't look at us. Don't show anyone. Don't mention our names. Otherwise, we will fucking kill your whole fucking family. You fucking dogs. That's a threat. Yeah, that's a fucking threat. That's what makes us the best.