 The Grape Nuts Flakes program starring Orson Welles, who is pinch-hitting for Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. I'm the original Glad Man friends, for aren't we all glad to get news of a thrifty-swifty appetizing breakfast dish for these up and at them early mornings? Then wait till we all tell you all about Grape Nuts Flakes, the crisp and toasty-brown breakfast cereal that's always ready for breakfast before you are. And ready-to-eat Grape Nuts Flakes are as temptingly good to eat as they are easy to serve. It's your old friend of the famous Grape Nuts Flavor, you know, turned out in delectable, crisp and crunchy flake form. With that same malty-rich, sweet-as-a-nut goodness, a flavor that makes Grape Nuts Flakes America's fastest-growing breakfast cereal. And think of this too, homemakers, every time you buy a big 12-ounce economy package of Grape Nuts Flakes, you're saving on ration stamps because you don't need them, not for thrifty, plentiful Grape Nuts Flakes. That was Take It From There, played by The Orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, before we start the program, let us re-enact for you a little scene which took place a short while ago in a drugstore near the NBC building here in Hollywood. The time exactly 15 minutes before this broadcast. Take it away, drugstore! One tuna fish on whole wheat! One tuna fish coming up! Gosh, it's crowded in here. Hey, Don, do you think I have time for sandwiches before the show? Why, yes, Mary, if you hurry. I think I'll have a dish of 2D fruity ice cream myself. Watch it, Don. If you put on one more chin, you can throw away your vest. No kidding. Now, Mary, will you stop ribbing me about my weight? I'm not so heavy. Go on, every time you step into an empty elevator, the operator says, that's all, please, and up you go. Oh, Gilroy. Well, let me, Mary. Uh, just a sandwich. I'll have a hamburger. A hamburger? Yes, ma'am. Oh, Radcliffe. Yes, Gilroy. Hitch old sobbing to a bun. You want something else, Mary? No, that'll be all. Would you mind taking my order, bud? Gladly. What do you have, wobble-tunny? Well, I'll have a dish of ice cream, please. Make it 2D fruity. You can have 2D, but there's no more fruity for the derailleur. How's that, Radcliffe? Gilroy, you're really bumping your gums now. Yeah. Why don't you two jerks give up sodas and write for radio? We do. We just sold a lot of gags to old Red Skelton. Red Skelton? No, old Red Skelton is father. Well, that's my fault for talking to you. Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Mary. Hello, Don's home. Well, Phil, is your orchestra all rehearsed for the program? Who rehearses? If I ever told my boys they were playing something wrong, they'd say, how do you know? Then I'd be stuck. Take it easy. Relax. That's my motto. Well, I hope Orson doesn't find out you didn't rehearse. Oh, wealthy. Why, him and me is pals. We gave a lecture together at UCLA just last night. You and Orson gave a talk at the university? Oh, Orson did all the talking. I just sat there and let them professors feel my head once in a while. What? No, Saul, you should have been there. I started to pull a couple of gags and Orson wrapped me on the bean with his pointer. Get a load of this lump up there. Well, it beats rich. A Bromo Seltzer. No, thanks. I had one across the street. I just came in there to burp. It's a lulu. Oh, you and your lulus. Say, Gil, is this man annoying you? No, Radcliffe. Put down that cupcake. Oh, that Radcliffe's really a demon. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Miss Livingston. Say, how's the hamburger you're eating? All it needs is a jockey. Gosh, Mr. Harris, where'd you get that big lump on your head? From Orson Wells. That's who Orson will. You want something to eat, Dennis? You better order. Now, what do you want? I think I'll have this special sandwich, peanut brittle on whole wheat. You mean peanut butter? No, look, it says right here, peanut brittle. That's a misprint, kid. I'll bring you a peanut butter sandwich. Nothing doing. It says peanut brittle here, and that's what I want. Now, listen. I know my right. Dennis, if I wasn't a lady, I'd knock them right off that stool. Now, behave yourself. Hey, kids, get a load of who's coming in. It's Miss Harrington, Orson's secretary. Hello, Miss Harrington. Hello, young men. Good afternoon, everybody. Hello, butch. By the way, Miss Harrington, how's Mr. Wells feeling today? Oh, he's in a splendid mood. He found his yo-yo under the dresser. What's your order, ma'am? I want this place tidied up and this counter cleared. Mr. Wells is about to honor this hash house with his presence. Yes, ma'am. An incidental young man, when did you put on that shirt you're wearing? In 1937, when I left Stratford, Connecticut. Well, change it immediately. Yes, ma'am. And as for your gruesome friend with the wide part in his hair... That's got to be me. Would you mind lying under the counter until Mr. Wells leaves? Gladly. My feet is killing me. Attention. Attention, everybody. Mr. Wells is approaching. Good afternoon, everyone. This is Orson Wells. Well, Mary, you look lovely today. Thanks, Orson. I stopped by your house to give you a lift to the studio, but the butler said you'd already gone. The butler? Oh, did Papa have that tailcoat on again? At any rate, I'm sorry I missed you. There doesn't seem to be a vacant stool here. Uh, take mine and I'll sit on your lap, baby face. That's what I'm talking about. Don't you think it's a little early in the day for romance? Well... Take it when you can get it. That's my motto. Dennis, please. Oh, boy, boy! Yes, Mr. Wells? I'll have a cup of cold consomme madrilein, breast of guinea hen under glass, and a bottle of Chateau Lafitte 1928. Hey, what do you think you're at, the brown derby? Get back under that counter! Yes, Mr. Wells. Whoops, mop my head. Mr. Wells, Mr. Wells, I don't think you'll have time to eat. We'll do on the air in a few minutes. Oh, very well. By the way, did you pick up the sketch we're doing on the program tonight for Mr. Benny's writers? Here it is, Mr. Wells. Would you mind okaying it? Not at all. Oh, no, no, no. That's all I'm going to do, Mr. Wells. Mr. Wells, Mr. Wells, I don't think you'll have time to eat. We'll do on the air in a few minutes. That's awful, Miss Harrington. Take this out in the alley and burn it immediately. Yes, Mr. Wells. Burn the scrap. But, Arson, what are we going to do for a play tonight? I shall write one myself. Hey, Mr. Wells, if you're looking for a comedy sketch, my partner and I wrote one that's terrific. Yes, dynamite. Get back under that counter! Yes, Mr. Wells. You wait for that long enough. It hurts. How about it, Mr. Wells? You want to buy our play? Yes, deliver it to me at NBC as quickly as possible. Thanks, Mr. Wells. Come on, everybody, follow me. Last one in the studio was a rotten egg. That was... You'd be so nice to come home to, it says here, played by Phil Harris and his orchestra. Phil, you can stop waving your baton now. The number's over. Oh, yeah, thanks. Don't mention it. You see, old boy, I didn't get a chance to rehearse that selection. So consequently, I didn't realize that it reached its termination. If you get what I mean. That is due to your lackadaisical inadvertence. The conclusion of that number found you in a state of oblivious lethargy. You get what I mean? No, but my lump is throbbing. So I noticed it's fairly dancing. By the way, Mary, I've been meaning to ask you, how's Jack coming along? Is he over at Cole? He was over at Cole. You wouldn't be here, brother. Dennis? Yes, Jack is much better off than he's resting at the Arizona Biltmore in Phoenix. The Arizona Biltmore? Isn't that rather expensive for Jack? Expense means nothing to him. He was delirious when he checked in. That must be the reason. You know, fellas, I got a postcard from Mr. Benny this morning. He asked me to send his golf bag right away. His golf bag? Say the old boy must be getting better if he wants to play a little golf. What do you mean, golf? If I know Benny, he landed a job picking grapefruits. Now, wait a minute, Mary. Let's all be fair to Jack. He doesn't think of work all the time. Of course not, Jack, and relax and enjoy vacation like anybody else. Oh, yeah? He took me to Catalina on the boat one time and played his fiddle all the way over. Well, that doesn't mean he was playing for money. Don't tell me I was passing the hat. Just the same, I'm sure Jack is getting a good rest in Phoenix, incidentally. Excuse me, splendid idea. I think I'll call Jack and say hello to him. Right now? Come, Miss Harrington, get me Mr. Benny at the Arizona Biltmore in Phoenix. Yes, Mr. Welles. Imagine talking to Phoenix Arizona just like that. Ain't a phone a wonderful thing. It sure is. Say, Mr. Harris, who invented the telephone? Well, Alexander Graham invented the bell. The rest, I don't know nothing about it. Mr. Harris, the telephone in its entirety was invented by Alexander Graham Bell. Try can pronounce. Come, come, Miss Harrington. What's the delay on that call? Well, I have the Arizona Biltmore, but the counter seems to locate Mr. Benny. Let me have that phone, please. Hello? Hello, operator? I'd like to talk to Jack Benny. What? He's not registered. He's not a guest there. Have a look out in the lobby. Maybe he's a bell boy. Bell boy? With his flat feet, he could be the house dick. Bill, please. Now, operator, I'd like to talk to Mr. Benny. Oh, his temperature went down. He checked out. Very well. I'll call him there. Goodbye. That's strange. What's the matter? Did Jack leave the Arizona Biltmore? Yes. It seems he's now stopping at the Jasmine Blossom Auto Court. The Jasmine Blossom? Hey, I just thought of something. Jasmine Blossom. That's J.B., the same initials as Mr. Benny. That's right, Dennis, and I'm sure Jack will come home with some lovely monogram towels. Miss Harrington, remind me to call Mr. Benny first thing tomorrow morning at the Jasmine Blossom Auto Court. Yes, Mr. Welles. Excuse me. Come in. Well, it's those two married madcaps from the soda fountain. Hello, fellows. Hello, Mr. Welles. Here's that comedy sketch we wrote for you. There's a little mayonnaise on it, but it's very jolly. Thank you, fellows. By the way, would you like to stay and hear your little gem? I don't know. Should we stay, Gil? We can't stay. That fat lady is waiting for her cheeseburger. Oh, yes. Let's go. Wait till I open the door. Well, let's see what they've written here. So far, nothing but mayonnaise. A little crude, but it'll get by. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction this evening, we are going to present a mystery melodrama entitled Death at Midnight or the Murder Case. On this drama, I will play the role of Inspector Welles, the police headquarter. Will you be my assistant, Sergeant Harris? And Dennis, you will be my other assistant, Sergeant Day. It is your duty to help me solve a horrible crime. Okay, but I didn't do it. I tell you, I didn't do it. You're a policeman, of course you didn't do it. Don't be too sure. And Mary. So, always a guy you never suspect, silly. Dennis, please. Now, Mary. Yes, sir. In our sketch, you play the part of the mysterious lady in black. Six of your husbands have strangely disappeared. And you've just married your seventh. I'm a busy little girl, aren't I? Decidedly, will that take care of the casting for our play? Oh, I beg your pardon, Lawson, but haven't you overlooked me? Don, overlooking you is like losing a base drum in a phone booth. However, you should be the butler. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this play will go on immediately after... I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Wells. This is Rochester. Hello, Rochester. What do you want? Mr. Wells, up to now, working for you has been a pleasure, but trouble has reared his ugly head. Trouble? It's that Chinese cook of yours. We just don't speak the same language. Well, naturally. Naturally. What's the difficulty between you and Chong? You know those pork chops I got at the market yesterday? The ones I had to use? Commando tactics to obtain? Yes, yes. Well, that cook of yours wants to cut them up into little pieces for chop suey. That's vandalism. Now, calm down, Rochester. Any man that would treat a pork chop like that would pull the chair out from under Whistler's mother. Rochester, don't get so excited. Good heavens, the way you talk, you think those chops were radium. I can get radium tomorrow, and let's say you'll get some pork chops. Now, Rochester, there's no reason, there's no reason why you and Chong can't be good friends. Put Chong on the phone. Okay, here he is. Hello, Chong. Hello, ma'am, Mr. Wells. Now, Chong, I want you and Rochester to get along with each other. What's all this quarreling about? So he told me. Anything else? Now, Chong, here's what you do. Cook the chop suey for us and give Rochester a couple of pork chops for himself. Okay, Mr. Wells. I'm very happy. Now put Rochester back on the phone. Rochester? Yes, Mr. Wells. Everything is all settled. Chong's giving you two pork chops, and you can cook them any way you want to. Cook them? I bought myself a gold frame. I'm going to hang them in my bedroom. So long, Mr. Wells. Goodbye, Rochester. Well, I guess that's great enough. Sing, Dennis. I heard it can't be wrong, and that was Dennis' day singing. And, Dennis, I don't have to tell you that was very good. I'll say you don't. I heard it. Dennis, you shouldn't pat yourself on the back like that. It's quite hammy. You should talk, brother. We've got something there. And now, ladies and gentlemen, go away, Dennis. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we will present our thrilling, fine-tingling mystery melodrama, Death at Midnight. As the scene opens, we find Inspector Wells in his office at police headquarters. Cousin, music! Is that the phone, Inspector? No, it's a preview for for whom the bells toll. Hello, police headquarters, Inspector Wells speaking. Help, help! Get away from that phone, you little double-crosser. I'll let you have it. Help, help! What was that, Inspector? Oh, one of those gin-rummy arguments. And before I forget it, Harris, you're supposed to be a policeman. What's the idea of coming to work in those loud sport clothes? My girlfriend thinks I'm a bookmaker. That's no excuse. Now here, here's your badge, your uniform, your club. Okay, where's my flat feet? On the opposite end of your flat head. Oh, Inspector! What is it, Sergeant Day? Somebody has been passing phony dollar bills all over town, and I've got one of them. A dollar bill, eh? And how do you know it's phony? Washington is wearing Lincoln's beard. Hmm. Let me see that. You're right. And he's wearing Lincoln's hat, too. Hey, were those two guys' roommates? Of course not. Hmm. Washington wearing Lincoln's beard. This is the worst job of counterfeiting I ever saw. You think that's something? Turn the bill over. Good heavens. Head of Harper is sitting on the eagle. Nice work day. We've got to report this to Washington. I thought he was dead. Washington, D.C. Hello? Hello? Hello, Inspector Wells speaking. Hello, Specky. This is Mrs. Lillian Gahagan-Krumdike speaking. You know, the lady in black. Why did you call me up, you naughty girl? Have you bumped off another husband? I didn't have anything to do with it. I went to the library just now, and he was plumped over the radio with a Fred Allen program going full black. Or was your husband dead? He must have been. He didn't turn it off. So long, Specky. Now, hold everything, Mrs. Krumdike. I'll be right over. Sergeant Harris, Sergeant Day. Yes, Inspector. Come on, boys. We're going over to investigate a murder. And I have a hunch this crime was committed by... By who? I can't make this out as mayonnaise on it. Let's go for loans. Calling old cars, calling old cars. Eddie Lamar locked in her closet. Take it easy, boys. That is all. This is the house right here. Harris, they break down that door. Yes, sir. Good evening, gentlemen. Did you ring? Uh, no, we didn't wear the police. Who are you? I'm Wabble Tummy, the butler. The butler, eh? Now tell me who you are. I don't know anything, sir. When the murder took place, I was down at the grocery store buying a package of toasty brown sweets as well as grape nuts flakes. Grape nuts flakes, eh? Make a note of that, Harris? Yes, sir. Now come clean you. You're talking to the law. What do you know about grape nuts flakes? I know they're America's fastest growing flake cereal, and they're famous for their Maldi-rich flavor, and the grape nuts flakes come in a 12-ounce economy-sized package. Harris, this man is concealing something. Keep an eye on him. Got you. Now I think I'll be right over. Keep an eye on him. Got you. Now I think I'll grill Mrs. Crumb Dyke. I have a hunch she killed her husband. You know that saying, she'll sell a farm, don't you? No, I don't. Well, you ought to learn it. It's all a rage now. Well, the blue coats are here. Hi, it's Becky. Hello, Mrs. Crumb Dyke. Where's the body? Right here, and I'm wearing a new dress. I'm in your husband's body. Oh, that old thing. Hmm, the strange coincidence, Mrs. Crumb Dyke, but all of your husbands have met on timely death. Take your first husband, the big game hunter. What about him? He went on a hunting trip to Canada with him, and he's the first thing you shot. Well, he looked like a moose. No excuse. Now I want a confession, Mrs. Crumb Dyke, and I want it now. Stop talking. Well? It's no use. You murdered your husband, and you might as well admit it. Well, here we go again. Lies! Lies! Nothing but lies. You hated your husband, and you couldn't stand him any longer. Now tell me, how did you kill him? Well... I don't believe it. I'm arresting you, Mrs. Crumb Dyke, arresting you for the murder of your husband. Tell me, what's his first name? Well... Also, J. Crumb Dyke, slap the bracelets on a Harris, and let's go. Oh, Inspector, Mrs. Crumb Dyke is innocent. Innocent? Yeah, someone just threw a note in the window, and it solves the whole case. Give me that note. Where is it? I ate it. Come on, Harris, let's get over to Hedy Lamar's house. She may still be trapped. Friends, when you sit down to a big, tempting bowl full of appetizing, baldy-rich grape nut flakes, aren't you pleased with yourself? Well, you should be, because it's smart to go for a breakfast dish like that. One chuck full of swell flavor, plus wonderful all-around nourishment. And you're in good company, too, for your neighbors all over the country are also calling for grape nut flakes. The farmer, the salesman, the welder, the kind of folks who get things done. They start with a nourishing breakfast, and grape nut flakes are just that. For grape nut flakes are a whole grain cereal, crammed full of whole grain food values, including iron, niacin, and vitamin B1 for appetite, nerves, and tip-top energy. Vigor, vitality, vitamins. That's the eating for you with delicious toasty brown grape nut flakes. And so, until next Sunday night, ladies and gentlemen, this is your obedient servant, Orson Welles. Mary, I want to compliment you on your performance tonight in the role of Mrs. Crumbdyke. I was pretty crummy, huh? Well... Good night, folks. Good night, doll. This program was written by Radcliffe Marlowe and Gilroy Beloyne with mayonnaise by Orson Welles.