 Well, I'm Tonya Pinkins. This is through a black woman's lens. I'm not certain that the trailer is streaming now. There it goes We are a majority in this country But we're gonna win the election Do you know what the red pill is? A red pill is someone who infiltrates a group and then destroys them from the inside This place is spooky. Take it easy. You know what guys? I'm gonna go back tomorrow. I think we should call the sheriff's office What are we doing? Yeah, we die But we take some of them with us Thank you. I'm Tonya Pinkins. I was a clip from my debut feature film red pill Which will be released in December through midnight releasing and it was the impetus for me creating this Series through a black woman's lens, which we are in partnership with howl round theater commons And so grateful to them for their support Our first one was also co-hosted by the theater communications guild And this is the fifth in a series of six and I'm excited to have this conversation today about spirituality and sexuality through a black woman's lens because when people listen to black women, which they didn't do in my movie Things work out better So I'm gonna start introducing my guests in no particular order First I have Beatrice Wexby Her pronouns are she her She is a Brooklyn based general manager and event producer originally from Brazil Prior to her current position as general manager of the Broadway podcast network She worked with various New York City theater Companies including foresight as the management associate and the associate general manager of Briar patch productions and two years of experience as the company manager of Fuerza Bruta at the Darrell Roth theater and the general manager at NIMPS And she's worked off Broadway shows Cagney and Handel look here. Thank you so much for being with us today But you know before the pandemic got down Beatrice was introducing me to some stuff. So I'm excited Yes, thank you for having me. Thank you. And then my next guest is Kaia Dunn Kaia is an assistant professor and the head of acting at the University of North Carolina Charlotte Department of Theater and an affiliate faculty for theatrical Intimacy education she consults with actors equity on issues of race and theater She's an actor a director and activist with performances in five countries She's a recipient of a Kennedy Center National Medallion for her work on theater and race She's performed nationally and internationally in over 40 productions. Most recently the title role in Pearl Atlanta theaters Atlantis theatrical outfit with it She's published in the US and is co-authored a chapter in art and research companion to Shakespeare and contemporary Performance as well as the forthcoming co-authored chapter on black mother schooling in black women and the Roanoff And then mine. Thank you Kaia for being with us today And then my next guest is someone who I am just meeting today And I'm so excited and honored that she would share her time and energy with us. Her name is Kat Niambe. Did I pronounce that correctly? Aka the hungry medium and she has a practice that is rooted in African spiritual tradition for which she's grateful Without this tradition, she wouldn't be where she is right now I don't think any of us would be where we are for many of the gift of hearing spirit Doesn't present itself in a way that's easily recognizable She says that I was either lucky or my soul has been around the block a few times and has navigated this mind-body iteration Aka me to where I am today a clear audience spiritualist who's able to make connections between spirit and the physical world She likes to think of herself as a spiritual activist using her mediumship to help others find direction Clarity and focus in their lives. The goal is to help you help yourself By tapping into your own power to problem-solve and to work towards achieving actual goals You'll feel more empowered to design a life shaped by you and endorsed by the soul Thank you so much Kat for joining us today. Thank you. Thanks for having me here. Thank you I want to say that I am coming to you from Panama, which is Traditional lands of the goona people the embera people and three other indigenous communities that I don't know It's one of the most biodiverse places in the world. I am a brown-skinned Woman and I'm wearing a blue dress with golden embroidery and her earrings. I've got my hair in locks and But braid on the top and I've got glasses and some bright red lipstick So ladies my first question out here or first statement that I'd love you to answer is to me spirituality and sexuality are on the same continuum and The way we want to separate them is the first place where we get ourselves in a little trouble What do you all think about that idea? Yeah, I'll I'll agree with that. I mean a lot of it both I think is about Connection and trust and consent or not or the lack of So I I Definitely think that there is a strong connection, but I also I mean in the the whole sex and sexuality there is such a huge spectrum into what the how that plays into your life every time and so In the same way that spirituality would as well, but I so I definitely think there's a big strong link with the two Yes, and not necessarily with religious which I also want to like separate that from like because there's you have sexuality as you have spirituality spirituality, but that doesn't mean Relate that the religion Can play into both parts, but it's not necessarily connected to all of it Yeah, yeah, I have I have two things. I agree with you on that. I'm glad you brought that up I have two real things that I tried to convey to people and Even though we're not speaking of gender. I'd like to just state for the record, you know spirit has no gender right and also the other Connection for me is that both require you tap sexuality spirituality Both involve you tapping in to your source right meaning that that that entity That wants to be happy and live a good life and feel pleasure and give pleasure to others Right, that's the pure nature and essence of spirituality, right? So I Like to see them on the same spectrum I hope we get to talk about the fact that you know, we as black women be as women there's just so much patriarchy and That is at the core root of Us being eliminated from all forms of classic, you know, religion or spirituality, you know stories Okay, so I hope we get into that if we don't you know, that's fine I hope so I hope so. Thank you I'll just say briefly like many black women. I practice the Christian tradition and since I got the female pastor I've been able to have some really deep conversations around this and even before that though the idea that Your body is holy and anything you feel, you know through that work can be holy, right? And I think I Come at this a little bit from a historical perspective I do a lot of work on black women like how we've developed these tropes of black women and intimacy and so when you look at sort of the evolution of Where people may have come from in our indigenous countries or our countries of origin and how Sexuality and fertility was celebrated right like you get sculptures you look at mass There's there's almost a holiness since we're talking about black women like around women's sexuality and then you see as you know As we look at the slave trade and coming and Respectability politics as a way of protection around the body of trying to protect women from Assault and from things happening this separation from the holy as it's something that's Hush-hush and it's something that was used to hurt and something that was used to attack and what I've seen happening for the past Like 50 60 70 years is sort of this coming back together like to me. It feels like a returning to And you know, there's a lot of fight against it But I'm excited to see what that returning to is like I see I teach so I see my students and young women Celebrating themselves their bodies feelings in ways that I know wasn't as I think people still were but it wasn't as visible When I was when I was a student, so yeah Hey, you brought up patriarchy and I wonder if any of you all are familiar with Mark Twain's letters from the earth. Do you know that book of his? I? Just want to read a passage from it Mark Twain is one of you know considered one of America's Very great writers, and I think he's a very fine writer and he says The law of God has quite plainly expressed in man's construction is this During your entire life, you shall be under inflexible limits and restrictions sexually During 23 days in every month and the absence of pregnancy Women sorry during 23 days and every month in the absence of pregnancy from the time a woman is Seven years old till she dies of old age She is ready for action and competent as competent as the candlestick is to receive the candle Competent every day competent every night. Also. She wants that candle yearns for it long for it Hankers for it and is the commander by the law of God in her heart but man is only briefly competent and only then in moderate measure Applicable to the word in his sexist case He is competent from the age of 16 or 17 then forward for 35 years After 50 his performance as a poor quality the intervals in between are wide and it's Satisfaction of no great value to either party whereas his great grandmother is as good as new There is nothing the matter with her plant her candlestick is as firm as ever Whereas his candle is increasingly softened and weakened by the weather of age as the years go by until it lasts It can no longer stand and is mournfully laid to rest in the hope of a blessed insurrection Which is never to come By the woman's make her plant has to be out of service three days in the month and during a part of her pregnancy There are times of discomfort often of suffering for fair and just compensation She has the high privilege of unlimited adultery of all the other days of her life This is the law of God as revealed in her make. What becomes of this high privilege? Does she live in the free enjoyment of it? No Nowhere in the whole world. She is robbed of it everywhere. Who does this? Man's statute if the Bible is the word of God Now there you have a sample of man's reasoning powers as he calls them He observed certain facts or instance that in all his life He never sees a day that he can satisfy one woman Also that no woman ever sees the day that she can't overwork and defeat and put out the commission Any two masculine plants that can be put to bed to her Now Wait a minute. I'm jumping ahead. This is his life entrance in 5,000 freshmen's while hers is a hundred and fifty thousand yet instead of fairly and honorably leaving the meaning of the law To the person who has an overwhelming interest and stake in it This immeasurable hog who has nothing at stake in its worth considering makes it himself You have here to found out by my teachings that man is a fool You are now aware that woman is a damn fool What do you think about mr. Twain? Wow, that's my first reaction to that What the fuck that's a man talking about men in sexuality and spirituality that you know Are we have a capacity that they don't have but they've said that God says we only get one and they can have many You're muted cat. Yeah, I'm bothered by so many things. Okay. I don't like Discussing little girls Age seven or any age or any ages to be honest About from a man in particular about our capacity for anything Um It was really strange. I felt like I couldn't keep up with him like I couldn't tell if he was being a satirist You know, I really could not tell because it was unbelievable what he was saying But this is what I think was alluding to when I spoke about patriarchy and this is what we're going through here in United States Um and most places where men feel like they have some sort of Knowledge about us that we don't have about ourselves and Even they they have the right to discuss our bodies period You know, I want to I want to share something that happened to me an anecdote Related to that that recently something just came up that brought it back again Many years ago. I had a very bad miscarriage that had a lot of medical mispractice and a lot of it was not it was traumatic in many many ways and It took months and months and months It was a very long process at the end of that process. I needed an emergency surgery I went to the emergent, you know, urgent care or whatever going to the hospital It took them about 16 hours to see me as I was bleeding on the floor all of that kind of stuff and The man who did the surgery I did not see his face. I was medicated when that happened. I don't know who that was But I had to go back a few days later to go do like a check-in and as I went to do this check-in I had this strange situation of going into this OBGYN office where all of the paintings on the walls were of white man, this almost like Like renaissance type paintings of white men that were important for medicine looking very angry And I said well, I'm already in a bad place and this is making me extremely uncomfortable and then I finally go in and he starts the Conversation with well, I don't believe in lubrication. So I am going to just put the little whatever is called Without without using any lube And I said but you just did a surgery and as I was saying that he was already putting the thing in and I was screeching in pain so after that happens He is you know being Just examining me and whatever and it's extremely uncomfortable and my husband is there with me And I am unable to really go up and downstairs at this point I'm unable to really like walk very well like I'm in a lot of pain and so I asked him and I said, okay doctor So how long is it gonna be until I get back to normal and I don't I'm not even joking. His answer was oh You know if your husband wants to have sex you guys can start having sex now It's gonna hurt a lot and bleed a lot, but who cares and My husband said who cares? Well, I kind of do and I at that point went to a place of just complete disassociation. It was so Abusive and I could not believe that a doctor that treats women's health Would say something So like a fucking rapist like I've never heard that I would never in a place that you're supposed to be feeling Safe and being taken care of To have that happen and I the reason I bring this up just because not only because it kind of has to do with that of like It's about the man Desire even and even if you are going through these things. It doesn't matter who cares, right? But also because I recently many many years later just received the bill from Batman and I'm like I Yes, but but that that's something that was in my mind as you were as you were reading that was the whole for who cares It's gonna bleed a lot and hurt a lot, but who cares. Mm-hmm. I was like, hmm You know, you got me Thinking we the arcade Kelly verdict just came out I hadn't watched that documentary until now because I knew it would have set me and I didn't expect it to be a conviction and You know, one of the things people talk about is that he could get away with this because he wrote such spiritual songs I believe I can fly While he's raping children You know that we know that there are many pastors and many priests who use their quote-unquote spirituality as To give them access to people who are vulnerable who can be abused I was watching the documentary John of God the guy in Brazil who Oprah was telling the world about who raped upwards of three or four hundred women over Fifty years. So I think that with these kinds of things happening It's very hard for us to be clear about our spirituality and our sexuality when they get so corrupted In in our dealings in the world with some men Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And that is where At least for me and in my journey with it was that was where I kind of started going into the like sex party and kink party world because I found that Once I started going to those places, even if I just wanted to dance I said I just want to go dance tonight I felt more comfortable and safe in that place where the whole idea is consent Then I felt going to a club where the guys are coming and I said like I don't want to talk to you And they're coming to my face. Oh, no, no, no But just a little bit and they're grabbing me before talking to me or they're coming from behind to dance with me And then I would go to these places and people would go Can I talk to you and I'll be like I don't really want to and they're like, okay And turn their backs and leave and I was like, what is this world and why have I not discovered this before? But you got to tell us what this world is because you were introducing me to it and I bought my ticket to go What is this world? Um, it can be many things. I mean like it is It can be it really can literally be anything right because it's Whatever, I think everybody is kinky in their own way. I think can mean so many different things, but In the the kink community is it's a very It's a very like worldwide can it's very specific depending on where you are too, but There's different kinds of play there's different kinds of Experiences and for people that want to explore kink There's a lot of ways to be introduced to it Especially in those kind of party scenes that are that is less aggressive than just going to like something smaller Going to have a session with somebody specific That you can go and just watch somebody perform something and you can be like oh that actually kind of looks interesting And that kind of turns me on or not. I'm like I never want to do that but it's also a place where At least I feel there is that I feel safe and there is no Judgment and I feel very Non-judgmental going into it as well I'm a very non-judgmental person in general but going into it There was so much curiosity to me being like why are people into these things like who are these people and why are they into it and why is it so and it can be anything from you know old man that dress like babies and ask people to change their diapers and that's what get them them off or You know rope play or Impact play so using whips and petals or people that like to be choked people that like to be cut people that like to There's so many it spreads so wide And finding a safe place to do it because especially because in porn it is so wrong like it is Shown sewing correctly. So when you're watching kink play in porn it is so absurd like it is so horrible to watch There's no conversation. There's no like there's so much conversation that happens in kink that does not translate in porn So that there's negotiation. There is the aftercare There is like all of these things that happen when you're talking about play and when you're talking about kink part is when you're talking about What that means to you It's a lot of self-discovery and you and your partner or partners or master or sub or whoever it is that you're playing with To discover those boundaries and be vocal about them So there is this place of discovery and limits and boundaries and a lot of people deal with their trauma by going to you know the kink world and trying to Face their traumas in a safe place So there is I mean the world can mean many many things but That's a little bit of a thing that was interesting to me about it You said that when you go to one of these places You have to ask permission even to speak to somebody that consent is first and foremost You don't even say hello to somebody you have to say may I speak to you? And what happens is like if you if somebody is breaking the consent and you can be even be like You're like, I don't want to talk to you and then the person comes back and tries to talk to you again You immediately go to the security and said that person is not Do not respect me and broke my boundary and they are usually kicked out hmm so even if they did not touch you because it That is already breaking a boundary So if you're saying this is my boundary do not cross it and somebody's crossing you can say something about it so you feel so there is a lot of Power in that and a lot of control to your own body in your own self In your own sexuality in that world now hi, are you doing intimacy training and Trying to deal with this consent thing with what actors are willing to do in intimate scenes and in shows, you know Tell us Said because there's so many of the same words for me Actually, I entered into intimacy because 98 99% of the people doing it were white women and then some white men and The discussion around race was oh, we need to give scholarships So more people of color do it and I was like whoa like race affects consent, right? So Tanya you wrote that letter the open letter last year about scarcity about People being replaced about and like we all know black women when they speak up when they say I don't like this We're considered Hostile or emotional or aggressive right all of the things if we're not People are trained to see us as caretakers And so when we refuse to fill that caretaker role and we say I need this or this doesn't work for me often black women Because that's what this conversation is Aren't seen as worthy of protection in the same way that other groups are even Sometimes white men right so when the me too discussion happened it was framed a lot as like a gender thing But it was like oh, I mean one of the things I talk about when I teach intimacy is like There's a hidden history of white women as sexual aggressors and people immediately think I'm talking about Emmett Till or false Accusations that's part of it When you read Mark Twain talking about the seven-year-old the first thing I thought is there's an account of a formerly enslaved woman talking about how her white mistress would talk about six-year-olds Because it was this perverse form of feminism where white women could pass their wealth They kept their slaves they lost their land to their husbands or their brothers But they could keep the people that they were kidnapping and torturing and so they became very good at literally Breeding people so they would or if they wanted a wet nurse like features. He started to talk about gynecology That's a whole other thing like I've given birth to three small humans twice. I wasn't why I went and got a black midwife I was with doctors The lack of asking permission all of this goes back like it it's rooted in anti-blackness, right? Like don't feel pain. We're gonna experience gynecology was all experiments on black women, right? and so when we talk about what consent means if we're not talking about how all of these practices were developed if we're not talking about the history of how sexuality played into colonization, right so negative sexual tropes about Asians and Latinas and black women and the hierarchy of who was closer to whiteness, right? Then we're not actually talking about consent because we need to peel all of that back And it's not just a matter of saying this is my boundary. It's also recognizing. Oh wait, this is perpetrating a negative Stereotype, but then also even if we get past all that how often do we see? Um Sorry, how often do we see? Black women experience enjoy on screen in sex like even I mean there's some I'm doing a book chapter on black intimacy right now Right so going back and even some of the 90s films. I loved I was like but these women aren't enjoying their sex Like it's it's about how much the man's enjoying it or they're happy. They got the man, but they're not actually enjoying The set like we watched I got together with a bunch of girlfriends and it's like let's watch weight and exhale which in my Adolescent mind was about black women enjoying sex and then I was like they're not enjoying the sex Or even something like I loved Queen and Slim, but the sex scene is interspersed with violence Um and and for a reason, but it's like I saw six movies that year where every time you saw black people having sex Someone was being killed. That's like where's the humor? Where's the joy? Where's the laughter? Like all I love that you use the word play so much features because it's like we don't ever I When I was growing like When do we get to be soft? Right when we talk about spirituality? When is their protection? When is their? Freedom to express sexuality without being labeled right without being the words. I heard, you know fast loose Duh-duh-duh-duh, right and so when we think about what does it mean to be sexual? None of us are free from the images that we're given to us like that's a process of decolonizing our minds around not just um Like what does it mean in the world? But when we talk about spirituality again, I'll talk for my tradition my pastor was like Do you know how much more times justice is mentioned in the bible than sex? But you wouldn't know it you wouldn't know that they say don't charge interest because we don't talk about that But we talk about keep your legs closed right and so just like what that does to young women as they grow up And then we tell them like oh, but please you know, please a man or please your partner or please this or you know, if you're if you're Liberated then you should enjoy sex and it's like but you have 18 25 years of like negative messages And i'm supposed to enjoy it because i'm supposed to be liberated and I don't know you know and it's so Messy and I think a lot of that goes in but I think there's a responsibility in the theater and in storytelling To really look at the stories of sex that we're telling because a lot of them are really harmful Thank you, kaya cat is there Something that you can offer about how black women can enjoy Their sexuality through their spirituality and remove some of the taboos that are in the black community Yes, um before I I get there because I I've thought about it today as I was getting ready to come on here But I wanted to just talk back to briefly about what you were just talking about and the fact that that patriarchy Is rooted in white supremacy And when you went from how white people are to how black people are we have to look at the reason between You know we inherited this from them right our men inherited these concepts from them as well And this doesn't just happen in the black church. It happens in all all forms of traditional religions There's this elimination of of the power feminine Right, so that segues me because We give birth we give life. Do they give birth? Do they give life? No, two things give life water and women okay, so And then they you just erasing us from all the scriptures all the books everything you read everything you read Everything you see on television The segue to that is how do we as women start to um, how where's that bridge? Where's that connection and I think that this speaks to every tradition you can think of is loving yourself Right loving yourself. I always talk about tapping in right but loving yourself in a sense that loving yourself knowing First hand what your body needs first hand How are you going to tell somebody else how to please you if you don't know how to please yourself, right? That means you have to be honest with what you desire Regardless of what it is, right now not based on anything But the messages you've been getting getting from your intuition, right? So i'm getting ready today and in order for me to love myself today I put on my favorite perfume because where am I going? We're in the middle of a Pandemrama, right? so we're in the middle of this and I don't i'm not going out to smell good for anyone, right? But i'm going to put that perfume on to smell good for me And scent the art of scent is the the real way you get tapped into spirit That's why you have the palo santo. That's why you have the florida water That's why you have all these things saved to have smells incense Is so that we can imbibe with that smell and you love it right when your house smells good You love it. So what about your body? When your body smells good, you love it. You love yourself So to me, that's the connection love myself first Then the rest comes later That to me makes me think about the fact that you know, there's trinities in life and nature and I think that in this spirituality sexuality conversation, we need to also talk about sensuality because sensuality is different than sexuality And scent is definitely about sensuality And also like the ways in which our culture is sensual, right? So one of the things I ask People is what what is specific to black intimacy, right? Because each culture has their own forms of intimacy Sometimes people think like we know we don't do most people know we don't do colorblind casting But they still think like colorblind intimacy and it's like no if you think about a man sitting between a woman's legs getting his hair braided Right like that's a form of intimacy. That's just in our culture When you think about A friend of mine said I think about a black man coming home at the end of the day and putting his head into a woman's chest and her Right, like that's something in our culture. You think about two women embracing and the ways in which you know Our hair our bodies our shape right and all the our rhythm like our heart. There's um a friend of mine from Malawi talked about you know Eurocentric culture tends to go here first and then try to understand it here and in afrocentric culture You tend to get it here, right and then Up here and it's a different way of moving through space And Like it's the drum it's the all and all of that Essential in a way and what I'm looking at right now too is like where did that get separated and where did that start to Become like oh, we don't want to do that You know, you even think about rhythm or dancing is bad or all of that because it makes you so powerful Like cat I love what you said about like when you love yourself and it's like I was talking to a girlfriend And she was like how many billions of dollars are meant to make us not love ourselves? So that we love ourselves and she was actually talking about Effie and how much she loved that Jennifer holiday song but also like Why is it that whenever we see larger dark skin black women? It's pain and it's It's loud and it you know, and she's like I want it I want soft and I want sensual and I want right and and like reclaiming That and reclaiming feeling that I mean I got to hang out with tanya a few months ago and it was you know Black women and black non-binary people together And it felt good, right and I love that you separate the sensual from the sexual because it was sensual, right? I felt my senses And that reconnection I think is really important and it might even be the bridge between the two and I have um I actually have one of my partners is uh a girl who's asexual which it is For a lot of people very shocking to have like you have a partner that you love but sex is not really What is all about and so it's a very shocking thing for a lot of people when it's like Well, but we connect in so many more things and we love each other so much and all of that intimacy and sensuality Is there and we'd rather be making out for like hours And have the like sexy connection than to just have penetration or to just have whatever Type of sex that you want to that you want to have We don't necessarily need that in in our partnership and in that relationship um and and those are I again so separate and Going back to like the king stuff too is like that is so separate because you do have What people will consider sex is so also heteronormative of like, you know penis and vagina situation Which is also absolutely stupid like oh you lose your virginity once you get a dick in you like not really um but so like I That belief of like let's explore everything but for me is so much more sexy and sensual and sexual than actual penetration agreed agreed agreed, I mean I want to say two things one is like I like to hold my girlfriend's hands There is nothing sexual going on But when I'm hanging out with girlfriends We will walk down the street and we will hold hands and it's just a lovely connection A lock arm or lock arms lock arms and walk arm and arm and it's just uh, it's a connection It's a a tactile kind of thing and I have told a many a man that that penis inside That's the you that is not doing it for me Okay, it's not doing it for me. I remember once I asked someone to just um undress me Put me and tuck me in Bring me a cup of tea and leave And it was one of the most sensual things it ever had for us because it was about someone just giving to me It's tantric just the giving and just being able to receive without having to give back Oh tanya you're gonna love the party as I cannot wait until you go No Do we get to watch that workshop? Because I want to know what happens. I want to report it back So, um Kaiz from a christian tradition cat is bringing the african tradition. Is it um ifa ifa it's um It's your belucumi tradition, but I grew up in the church. So I know all about church I was in the choir. I was in the junior usher board. So I was baptized. So I know all about the church Beatrice, are you is there something culturally different in brazil versus the united states in terms of uh sexuality? Oh my god. Yes a lot of it. Uh Yes, there is there's also the idea of the brazilian woman And that the usc That is like yes, which is very much like oh this and the thing that sucks is that I do fall into a lot of those stereotypes of like How I look and that I am a very sexual person Like I do fall into a lot of these stereotypes that people have But obviously None of my friends do Like I am not the norm per se and um There are a lot of different religions. Obviously my parents are uh they kind of I don't know my parents were like Kind of believe that the more religions that you believed in And try to learn about the more you would understand how the world Works and why wars happen more or less And so we would go to like this buddhist guy And then half of my family is jewish and then half of my family was christian and then I mean very You know latin of us that is like the mixture of all of the different cultures and my grandfather uh being from africa and bringing the like the zulu traditions Home and like having the portuguese and so it's just such a crazy mix of religions and like having the condom blend having like those like That like spiritual Religion and the drums and the how like involved with your body that all is um And then you have like I mean my family was a very naked family to you know like they were all and they still are like we still are always And so there was always this this association between body and sex That is like it's only become sex or a sex object if you wanted to That I didn't realize it was weird until I moved here and everybody was like Your brother sees you naked and i'm like yeah, why wouldn't he like one thing Being naked does not mean anything sexual at all to me at least and for him it doesn't and we call each other We look at each other's body and we're like oh my god, you look hot Doesn't mean that i'm like i want to fuck my brother It just means that i can look at him and be like you look great today like As a friend or as a fellow human navigating the world there is That's I think people in the west don't understand that one Right the west is like what I mean, I certainly raised my kids that body is body But I felt that same way about words. I'm like they're no bad words You can use any word in a way that is hostile and you can weaponize any word like I think that I feel that way in terms of good and bad it is a spectrum And we can take anything and weaponize it if that is how we are wanting if that's our intentionality And they were very and and i'm very Grateful for the way that I grew up because my family was also very open about sex and my mom and dad were the kind of people that are like You're going to go play at your friend's house and we're like oh we don't want just like mom and dad are going to have sex So you're guys going to go play at your friend's house So it was always this thing I think and if we're like ew like we don't want to hear and they're like Well, at least mom and dad are having sex and that's why we're not divorced like Let's weigh the options here. So there was always this like kind of blunt honesty that Therefore when I was growing up and my sister is kind of the opposite I wonder if she's hearing this right now. She's gonna laugh because it's true My sister is very much the opposite. She's like more Quiet and reserved about that. She's like, oh, I don't want to hear about it She still is a little bit like that Because I share everything and I always have so my mom and dad like as a teen they would be like, where are you going? I'm like, oh probably gonna try to have sex with that person I'm like, why my dad be like, why are you sharing this? I'm like, did you ask me and I'd rather be safe like if something happens. I'd rather you know where I am uh So I always shared And so I was but it's but it's not usual or common necessarily it's very much of like my family and how they are I don't think that everybody is like that I think there's a safety element to this though, right? So this is one thing that my mother did do like when I was three and I was like, hey She told me and she was like you probably Like your preschool, right? And I same thing my son like at four and I remember Like his dad's family was shocked that I taught him anatomically correct words But I was like for me, that's a matter of protection, right? If he knows like This is my penis and it belongs to me and nobody else is allowed to touch it and we're having that conversation So much abuse happens at three at four at five because people are afraid to talk children No, like my youngest son be like Let's go grow up one day and see this but like Kids like their bodies, right? You know So I would rather we Talk about that, right? We talk about this is what it is and I used to do a sex ed show in Like la and southern california for middle schoolers and I was terrified because I hated middle school But but kids were so curious, right? So there were little girls whose mothers were telling them that you lose your period if you take a shower And you wash and there was so much misinformation and but and and the way these sort of Guided the sex talks was about like when are you also emotionally ready because I think we so often talk about the physical And we're not talking to kids about like this is what it means to emotionally connect with somebody, right? And so to have those conversations as kids were developing, right and and And to be honest and open and to talk about it, especially in the black community Like here's how we talk about it Your body is beautiful You have a right to say no or you have a right to have pleasure You have a right to enjoy yourself, right? Like the idea that sex can be pleasurable for women as opposed to don't do it because you might get pregnant, right? Like that's such a different, you know, there's there's so many Things that I think even if our parents didn't do it that are in the culture Um that we kind of have to fight through to even get to a place of like Oh, it's not bad to enjoy sex Yeah, I I really feel like, um There's a lot we have to unlearn as a people um I haven't probably been the best, uh Example for my daughters because you know, I'm I basically taught them what I was taught Basically is which you know, I could keep you with my girlfriends, but always felt uncomfortable Talking to my daughters until now because now they're grown women and now we have these open conversations. So they're probably more Um more defied than I am when we start having these conversations but you know to each his own you just have to be yourself and you know, that's a part of our growth, you know, and um The concept of the act the concept, you know, there's a lot of um linkages that can be made in regards to sexual energy and psychic abilities, right? and storing certain sexual energies in order to Eventually release You know at a time when you're trying to divine and things of that nature um, I can say there's a drastic difference between my upbringing as a Christian and um, the yoruba lukumi tradition because at the end of the day We're all given like, you know, when you're initiated you're giving them. You're given a roadmap about your life And when they're divining this they're you know, unless the person grew up sort of like, you know, puritan The person reading you, you know, we all come from a sort of puritan. I'm not equating that to Christianity Although we could have that talk another day. I'm just saying that we have these Plants in our head regardless of tradition about what's good. What's bad, you know that have been, you know Imprinted on us. So when you look at religion, um, like yoruba lukumi or condom blade where you're looking to a deity and god to guide you They're not going to mince words about what you need to do in any areas of your life They tell you what foods to eat. They tell you what foods not to eat They tell you you need to have sex more you need to find a partner They tell you everything that you need for yourself So the discussion around You know, the arishas themselves shan go had like three wives, you know And and you know, lots of arishas were marrying each other, right? So and then also I come from a pan african And this may not necessarily have to do with sexuality, but i'm just giving all this sorts of you know, uh, family constructs You know, growing up in the 70s. I grew up with a lot of people that were in, um polygamist relationships the the products of polygamist relationships So these are also concepts, right and constructs that may not have anything to do with the act of sex and whatever form it is But also the way we view family Units the way we view relationships period, right and may be Although I would like to say obviously, but i'm going to say may be for some of you out there We just have to open our minds to the idea that we're all energy orbs, right? Who are just trying to commune with one another and just trying to commune our energies? And if it's done through the human body in whatever form that unites those two orbs in in union And in really a spiritual experience Then you have to be able To see that, you know, these are things that are are Our source and our souls are seeking Not just from a physical standpoint, but also from a connection connectivity of you know, energy force Uh connections as well. I hope that made sense. Yes, it did and i'm going to go in a little deeper on that So, um, you know in one of the i've always been a person who was interested in many traditions because I think you have to know all the Past and in in in one lifetime you can't learn all the past but None of the past is the only path or has all of the the the knowledge in it and you were bringing up You know, the sexual energy is the energy that created Everything and so in one of the traditions that I've worked with it in even in terms of moving trauma or manifestation There's a whole meditation that centers around using the energy of Of sexual pleasure of orgasm Can you meditate on that thing? that you Are so so afraid of until you can Energetically move yourself into sexual pleasure around the thing that you fear the most Can you take yourself to orgasm around your pain around your trauma and that might sound Terrible to somebody especially if your trauma is sexual trauma But it's about capturing this energy that is not good or bad that has been corrupted by an event and and Taking your power back by reconnecting with that energy and transmuting it Into the life force energy that it is supposed to Intend it. I think by the divine for us to use You talked about polyamory one of my friends was telling me like Atlanta has a huge polyamory community I'm a little you know like on an intellectual level I think I like do you need polyamory or polygamy which polygamy and polyamory are different Okay, so we're trying y'all to find them for me because I don't know. I don't know Polygamy is when you can when you marry a bunch of people when you can have you know, the man that has a bunch of wives type thing polyamory is the I would say sexual orientation even though that's not necessarily correct, but it is a People that can fall in love and have multiple relationships with multiple partners Of different genders or it depends on who you are you can also um, so I am Polyamorous and so is my partner. So is my husband and so we have other partners in our lives Uh, we don't not date together and each person that does however they wish to do uh but it is Uh, each of my relationships is their own individual thing Is not we do not we are not all together We're not like we don't practice that kind of polyamory which does exist as well which is like everybody is friends with everybody like we don't really necessarily like We have met each other's partners and stuff like that and have like Be friendly with them, but we're not like Besties necessarily or haven't and it doesn't mean that it's never going to happen. Who knows? um but we have other relationships that are meaningful and beautiful and Fulfilling outside of our marriage um That sounds so mature Like wow We have a couple questions here. Um, I want to I want to bring in I want to do this polyamory more because Here's the question before I get to these two over here so If you have this um these different kinds of relationships, you said one of your partners is asexual um What was the reason for doing the legal thing? Um, I think it can be different for different people. Also, we love a party. We got married three times We're probably gonna get married again. Like we love getting married uh But I think there is that aspect of it. There is the spiritual level of it. There is also the Respect for like our family's aspect of it. There is the Like there is obviously the tradition But my wedding was all sorts of like different because again so many different religions And we got married on Jewish New Year and there was like the people from kind of land That was like the tali people and we had like this priest that was that used to be um Like a prostitute So it was just like the mix of people and religions and all of that was very different than normal per se But it was about just like Us still promising each other to love each other for life and to give or not necessarily I mean because we can't promise that right you can't promise that you're not going to change forever but To promise that we'll try at least and that we will be there and that we are going to Give everything we have to make this work In front of our families and in front of all of our friends So that is why we did it And again, it doesn't mean and it doesn't mean that my other relationships mean Like less or that are less. It's just so different and I feel so much love and I have felt so much love for my partners that And it does not take away the love that I feel for my husband It does not take away the love that and the amount of Work that I want to put into that relationship He only adds in a lot of ways because then I am not expecting everything from him So in that sense, he also takes the pressure off that is like you don't have to be my whole world You can be what you are and I can be what I am And just like that we're enough for each other Had I'm going to throw this question to you someone says they have a A five-year-old niece Who they told to wash between their legs during the shower and that the child said my mom said I'm not supposed to do that and they want to know how to Address that with the mother about that Was that for me? I'm giving it to you cat and then anybody else But I wanted to give it to you because i'm the old lady in the room with two grown ass kids what I understand I also thought you might pull something you might You might pull energetic You know you might pull something my first energetic things that I pull Are common sense because common sense ain't so common And therefore I'm gifted in the area of common sense so I wanted When you ask the question and I'm also Jim and I so I asked like a million follow-up questions, but uh Oh, you're Jim and I'm on your birthday. Hey, honey. Oh wonderful. I'm Jim teeth. We'll talk about it later. The four of us will talk later okay, so so, um One of the things that I would have done as a follow-up But I'll give it based on what you know, most people could be thinking is what what what did she mean? Did she mean That she was told explicitly right Told that she shouldn't wash in between her legs Her vagina The question I also have is what's the relationship between this aunt And the mother who said this was she visiting the aunt's house and the mother told her do not Do something in front of any adults? Right. I mean there's all these questions, but let's just say It was the thing that the mother told her not to do because maybe her mother is The word I want to use is incompetent um That's the word I want to use But I'm I don't even want to do that story line because I feel like there's so many other implications, right other things we don't know But in a in the case of if it's just the plain thing where maybe your mother is telling her daughter not to um perform basic hygiene On her vagina, then the aunt should talk to the mother The aunt should talk to the mother and then get the story straight To me that's what I would pick up from that No, I'm getting the story straight first getting the story straight first and I will say that You know, one of the things I have very dry skin And one of the and I don't use a lot of soap Um, particularly on my dry skin, but one of the things my dermatologist sets me is to only use soap On the stinky parts that would be vagina anus and the underarms Now that's the only place that you that you use soap Um other ladies, do you all have a thought about how to bring that up to a relative? I do think it's clear about what the instruction to the child was because children can be unreliable narrators But also like going at it with curiosity, right anytime you're going to talk to somebody about something that happens like hey Someone says this is this what you meant or says because I think this to me reminded me and when you said Tonya sensitive skin like Wobbles caused so many young girls so many problems like that bubble bath that used to get put and it It caused so many problems And so I immediately as a mother thought maybe her mother didn't want her using certain types of soap or if soap gets up You know or irritates or there's so many Things but then if that's not it again, I love that cat was like, you know going to somebody in curiosity Especially when it's somebody else's child and it's your sister like that's a lot of Like just being real Through the black woman's lens you're going to go to your sister about her child It needs to be in a way that's that's a little bit like hey Someone's has said this is this what they because I mean I have babies Like you know and just and then and then having that conversation or finding out what the mother's fears are like There might be something else Going on there might be some way in which the aunt can help the mother So I think all of those things And then we have a question about Black sexuality being monetized and and that says What do you think about black sexuality being monetized? Are we in control to our sexuality? Or not in the median one of the things I want to say to that is I was just at a conference with crux and that's a people of color in xr, which is vr and augmented reality And one of the attorneys there said that she's working with a bunch of People of color black and brown people who are sex workers And they're trying to unionize and and I my first response was like would people do sex work if There was an alternative by which they could make a very good living And one of the things she said to me is that sex work has drastically changed during the pandemic And because it has moved online people are making a lot of money and they don't ever have to touch anybody's body and that one of the ways that we prevent Protection happening for people who are being coerced and children who are being raped and tortured is by criminalizing all sorts of sex work Such that we can't separate it so that those people who are legitimately Concentrally engaging that that is regulated and they have rights and they have control And that you can separate that from people who are violently coercibly Harming other people for profit, which is I'm told let the number one business in the world right now bigger than drugs and arms yeah, I I was actually thinking about this question from a Like what we see in music videos or movies or So when I do tropes one of the things I use a lot of bell hooks's work And one of the things she talks about is There's sort of this huge push in the 90s and early 2000s In black feminist thought around what are the sexual tropes and everybody was talking about music videos, right? And one of the things she points out is just in timberlake and m&m do the same thing that the Like black rappers do in their videos But they use Asian women they use light-skinned latino women They use white women and nobody's calling them or very few people were calling them out in the same way that black rappers were getting called out It doesn't mean we don't address the misogyny, but often It's like oh, that's a black problem and no it's not right But then also like our sexualities co-opted like one of the things I thought about immediately when you invited me into this conversation Tanya was how I felt when I found out that people were increasing their butt size because I had been shamed I have I'm Cape Verdean like the women in my great grandmother my grandma We all have booty right and so But I spent my whole life being told like oh that doesn't you can't do this You don't look you know that this is not pretty and so then to see that it's suddenly like this thing That's being marketed right or even bigger like when lips first came out and it's like our sexuality is so Co-opted and it's like it's somebody said something like it's ghetto until white people discover it Like and suddenly it's a thing you pay for And so all the ways in which but but even that is monetizing our bodies right this I My body's like this because I was born this way. I inherit it's an inheritance from my mother and my mother's mother And so when I think about all of the ways in which something that is beautiful Is turned into something that it's marketed Right and how dangerous that is or like living in Taiwan and feeling more beautiful than I ever had even though I didn't have access to makeup because it was all skin bleaching And I didn't have access to my hair products But nothing was marketed to me And so getting to exist in a society where nobody was telling me there was something I had to fix I've never felt more beautiful in my life It is yes I was about to say something very similar Because people ask me this a lot and going back to how people in america view brazilians because in brazil Like in growing up. I was never the like hot one or the pretty one. I was kind of like the nerdy Weirdo like I've always been that and I still am that but Now people are like, oh, you're so hot and and they have the staying of like you're definitely like a 10 And I'm like really because I still see myself as a five because I still look like everybody else in my country Like I'm like average because what was considered beautiful when I was growing up was like The american looking girls. So like the blonde and blue eyes and they're like big But like but the stereotypical american the same way that there is the stereotypical brazilian like it was like that like barbie look and uh And so like I mean most of my friends in brazil have silicone most of my friends in brazil started doing botox When they were like 15 16 And they do like monthly sessions of botox and they like straighten their hair and they do all of the treatments because it is so common to Be that like extra with your beauty and your and the beauty is such a big standard but the funny Thing about it that I also want to point out is the fact that people Even though there is this like somewhat Celebration that people are talking now about black women and and their bodies. There's still a lot of Um, I don't even know cleaning that happens like I guess is the it's the way to say it because You have like people are not used to seeing Black vaginas Like it is insane to me and the way that like if you wax or if you shave it is going to be that different color It's not going to look the same as a white vagina and like black dicks are so like popular per se in like porn Unlike what people are searching but the knowing of like what The black and brown body looks like it's not a very known Thing so even if you are Capitalizing on the body. You're not showing the whole body. Like you're not actually like Doing the educational part of it of like yes your armpits have different colors Like there's like all of these things that and then people get freaked out because they're like but mine doesn't look like that Like what do you mean? Like it's supposed to look like that man. Definitely does not look like that Like it's you can bleach Your body parts, right? Like No, I mean or like reconstructing Like extra stitches or get like we always talk about Utilization in other I had a female doctor of color. She wasn't black But she was a female doctor of color and I said I don't want an apesia to me And I don't want anything done and without my permission She put she literally said it was a husband stitch and I didn't just Oh my god pregnant with my night, but I was like something's not right, right? And it's like if that ever happened to a man What would be the legal that this doctor was doing it to all the you know So when you told your story Beatrice like every black woman I know who's given birth has some sort of horror story around treatment or around And this is something I share with people like They found in the u.s. One a black woman gives birth with a black health care provider So or a black birth attendant so a midwife or a doctor or a black nurse midwife The rate of death for her and her baby goes down by two thirds That's a lot If we and I think this does tie into like spirituality and sexually because it's it's it's like black lives matter, right? Like Lives matter and so when you have somebody who understands that there's a different Method of care. It's literally listening to somebody say hey, I'm about to give birth And not having the doctor leave the room like mine did right but Black midwife who stayed with me who when I said look my birth doesn't look like, you know, the typical that it's gonna go real fast And and it's that it's literally just listening To the women and understanding that they're competent human beings and that women know their bodies So when they say something is not right, it's not going. Oh, you'll be fine or it's and I think honestly There's a lot of doctors who think we're just supposed to be in pain all the time Like when I think about how many women die of ovarian cancer and are told to go do push-ups or sit-ups As you get older, right? Or women have their Their ovaries removed without thought to like what that does to their hormones and their Right or like hysterectomies and even birth control like I took I was Starting to take birth control almost as soon as I got my period as a way to control my flow And for so many years I did and I was like this doesn't after a long time When I was 20 something I was like this doesn't feel right like something is off and I stopped taking birth control and it was incredible the difference of my body just being out of it in the levels of like energy and uh depression and feeling like bipolar and pain like period pain and all of the and my skin got better My hair got better. My sex got way better like all of these things that I was like hold on a second. What the fuck was this thing doing to me this whole time that I had no idea That that was the cause I because everybody says Well, it's just that time of the month or it's just like it's normal to feel this way and it's normal and it's not is actually not they uh They uh think we're super strong and super human and you know because you know of all the negative connotations around our strength our resilience and things of that nature Um, once again a lot of things to unlearn but let me tell you something in regards to this sexuality being monetized. They've been doing that forever You know the more things change and what they stay the same. It's just in a different format, right? I mean if you think about fashion Right in England and even here in America the tight bustle things that they made and so that it had a butt it had the uh The little thing underneath so that it looked like it imitated a butt Why like the venus but yes, they were imitating our butts with their fashion With their fashion, right? So this is nothing new to us, right? And and now Unless you know Cardi B and I don't know the names make the stallion Yes, Nicki Minaj, Nicki Minaj, you know back in the day little Ken foxy brown That was a way um to capitalize from a music industry standpoint now if you own your Whatever is it whatever's and you want to come out with a song walk more power to you I'm down for that. You know what I'm saying? I'm down for the revolution But at the same time, it's the same thing in a different package You know still being delivering dollars to the white man. You know what I'm saying? Oh black sexuality's in now. You know, so let's uh Do some women empowerment songs that are really edgy You know, let's get it going Well, I want to say what I like about a walk and savage what I like about them is that I feel like There's something about us as females that we are very We our minds and our imaginations are easily Mind and controlled and and and that someone can talk us into many many kinds of things And that often, you know with R. Kelly all these young girls if he promised he was going to make them stars While he was raping them and taping them and selling the tapes I like that these songs are Removing that magic fantasy thing for the average young girl so that She has to think about am I really just Sex for this man because a lot of men that's really all you are and so I think um making that Clear is important But then you have a loop a loop a fiasco who has a song bitch bad Where he really talks about the difference between, you know What little girls are seeing and what does bitch mean to them versus what bitch means when a boy hears his mother singing a song Saying, you know, I'm a bad bitch. I'm a bad bitch. Um so, you know, that that's a that's a fine line because We can't be in every kid's home And we can't even police homes and protect people in their homes I wanted to say something that's something you said kaya My last men what I my births were all beautiful home births um only method of um any sort of relief from any Difficulty was masseuses I did have a miscarriage where a female Doctor gave me a dnc with no anesthetic anesthesia um, but one of the things that my Midwife of my fourth child who became my spiritual director for the next 25 years She talked about how when you give birth all the forces of the universe are flowing through you And it is an opportunity to transform your life And that no matter what science says Birth is still the ultimate mystery Nobody knows but that mother and that child When that is going to happen your science can't tell you that and that when um, a mother has to open her entire body To let another human being come out And it's not going to happen if there's someone in the room that she doesn't want to be there And if there's not someone in the room that she does want to be there that that is The the the synergy of mind body spirit That the body is waiting For the right time and the right conditions and the right People to be in the room and I I would you know gamble that that has something to do with those high mortality rates of um Melanemic people in the room when we are giving birth and not being in connection with that Hmm Yeah We got a lot of questions over here. I'm gonna go to them right now. Um Whoo, okay, um Someone is asking about how black women are viewed in the corporate world. Do they think there've been changes since Anita Hill? Um, I'm gonna I'm gonna go through all these questions so that you will have them in your mind And you can speak to what they are Um One i'm gonna say there's a great forbes article. I will see if I can put it in the chat I don't know if I can pull it up quickly, but it's about how black women often go from the pet To the threat In the corporate world we come in we are loved. Oh my god, you're amazing You're amazing and then everybody sees that we're actually More amazing than everybody there and now we're a threat and now the environment becomes very hostile for us And we either are pushed out or we have to go because we realize it's going to be difficult But i'm i'm going to just get through these questions so everybody knows what they are and can address them um Can we ask the women? What gets them off? This doesn't have to do with sex, but what enlightens their spirit? um Then we have one um about Well being molested at a young age And so uh all sex just became very meaningless the act became meaningless And um, I think this might be uh a male this question is coming from And they they thought that that might have had to do with the partner But they're saying that they prefer um intimacy more than the act and they want to know if that's a normal kind of thing um Then we have a question from someone who is uh an older um Lesbian who was molested at an early age and once again also found adult sex um, I'm thinking they're saying penetration Not Really meaningful can y'all hold all those questions and and and respond to them. I want to be respectful of your time we have about um 20 minutes left so um Those are the questions that are there that anyone can address um, I Don't feel comfortable responding to most of those um because and especially in the work that I do One of the um Gifts that I have is that I'm always telling people I'm gonna tell you what spirit is saying But I want you to take this and take it to your therapist Okay, because sometimes people that are completely honest with their therapist, right and it can take years To get to where you really need to get to so if like if I was in a reading setting and somebody asked me that I would you know, divine it out and then I say take this For specific issue and take it to your therapist So I will leave that on the table there, but I did want to talk about someone was interested in having a session with you How would they get that tell us? Oh, they could visit my website the hungry medium dot com um But the enlightened spirit boy. I love to talk about it. I do lots of things that enlighten my spirit music Oh my god music if you go to spotify apple you do the best of miles davis or you do The own chant or you do the to bet and bowls the way that music just and lifts just lifts you up and enlightens my spirit But also cannabis. I'm a huge cannabis advocate and um the medic it's a medicine Um, it's also a topic very close to the the taboos of sexuality It's spoken about in the same sort of ways the same circle So those are some of the things that help enlighten my spirit and take me to the another level But uh, I just want to put that out there Uh before I forget just because I wrote it over myself somebody said is it normal? I have that is such like a triggering thing to ask to me Because yes, whatever it is that you're feeling It's normal and I can guarantee that thousands if not billions of people feel like the same in the world Maybe not related to the same thing, but if you're feeling it's because you should be feeling those feelings. So like not to say To say is that a like do I need to better and how can I better? How can I not feel this way? What actions can I take moving forward? Is a better question than is this normal? So if you're if you're sitting in that feeling and you don't like where that sits in you and you don't like what those feelings Are bringing or you don't it bothers you that That you can't have uh, you know You can have penetration or you can have Whatever kind of sex that you want to try to have Then you can work towards trying to figure it out ways to get there but It shouldn't be your ultimate goal Like if you're getting satisfaction and if you're getting pleasure and if you're feeling good about everything else There's no reason for you to try to get something that is only making you feel bad Like there's no reason for you to go after that um So I wanted to just like say that because I as soon as I it's a normal I was like, I hate that and I know exactly what that feeling is like because I say the same thing often too um And I say that to my therapist all the time. I'm like, oh, it's just normal and and just like yeah You're the most non-like polar person in the world. Why are you asking me this? You know that you know the answer and I'm like, you're right uh the Ho getting off thing I think for me is a lot of touch And dancing like I love physical contact. So dancing and touch in um Eye contact and like being present like taking everything out and just being in that moment For me is a huge turn on to say let's put our phones away. Let's just be here and whatever here means That for me is like my main thing And like again physical like exchanging that like allowing yourself to feel and be and be And have the feelings like it's both um That to answer that one and then the corporate one That's a funny one I've been in like management positions for the last, you know 10 years in New York City and I moved here young and I got my first management position very young and I am a brown immigrant cute little Brazilian girl and so I was managing a lot of Man and especially being like in the company management world and being in the general management world There's a lot of crew. There's a lot of dudes and you're also dealing with a lot of investors and producers that are so you're dealing with like the crew dudes and then you're dealing with like the rich white man uh both Which are Especially in the beginning like I was very close. I was very Afraid of letting people into my life outside of work Because I am this very free spirited like hippie loving person And I was afraid that if people saw that they would take advantage of that But I'm also very strict and very blunt and I'm like, no, this is not like I'm not someone that just lets shit roll like that's not going to happen, but for that I was grateful for my first bosses who um, Lauren Scott from Briar Patch who saw that in me and were always allowing me to Say no and to like be a boss like to let literally say No, this is where I stand and I don't like it. I don't like how they are treating me I'm gonna say something. I'm like, do you mind if I say something because this is not okay And so I started being like that and they were like absolutely do whatever you want and there was a There was a specific occasion A person that I worked with at one point that said that I was too pretty too young and too much of a girl to be doing my job And I'll never forget that because I said How does that how does any of those things change My level of professionalism and my level of knowledge Like none of the things that you said being too pretty is not a thing when we're talking about doing spreadsheets. Like I don't understand how a like no sense so Has it changed I think for me One of my biggest missions like in my career has been to Give opportunity and to give space for Especially brown women and brown people and I think there are like a few people that have worked with me that are probably watching this right now To be honest and not just white people but also young people that are being abused by their by their supervisors in One way or another and they don't feel like they can speak up or they cannot say something about being in that uncomfortable place And so I've been So for me Now I am Open and I am I'll share my life with people that want to hear it and I mean I'm doing this thing and talking about sex as I probably have people that were with me watching this and that I gave up on like trying to hide that side because even to gain more of my own individual power and that there are still people that I don't think fully understand or They see like oh you're bisexual and poly so you obviously want to fuck me Which is again not a thing and There is the the and the being in power and like in the corporate world. There still is the Especially when entering a new place It takes a second for people to take me seriously and there's still the thing Where I will say no to somebody or I will say I need you to do this and then they will go to my boss and say Can I do this and they then my boss will go? What did be a say? And I like they said that yeah, whatever be a said like there is this thing And I every job that I have come into I have been very clear. I was like this is going to happen I know this is going to happen this happens every time especially if I have a white man as a boss Every single time I know they're going to go to my boss to ask Um and my boss is always going to say Does it pass and Dory Bernstein says does it pass to be a test? She already says does it pass to be a test? No, so you can't do it So I've gained my space There to be where I am today that I have people that respect me and That listened to me and that I can be this person and I could be this individual that I am But I but it's not like that for everybody and I had an intern which was this brown girl who one time It was one of her first Internships ever and it was through a city program And on her first day she she was doing something that she had her arm raised like this the whole time for like a while And I was like, do you need something? She's like, yes, can I use the bathroom? And I was like, I'm gonna tell you something right now You should never ever ask permission to have any basic rights If you're if you're hungry if you need to use the bathroom If you need to go for a walk because you're overwhelmed you do not ask for permission You just say that you are doing so Never ask and she said oh, but in my you know, but I'm I don't know how and I'm like never And I had never had a white intern Are you kidding me? Some of these NYU kids would go for lunch that is supposed to be half an hour and come back two hours later So that so that was like And in and there has to be some education and there has to be some sort of Role models to to tell them like no like it's okay. It's okay for you to go eat your food Take your break Say what you're thinking and share your ideas your ideas are valuable as well If something is bothering you, please say it We are at time I want to give kaya a chance to answer this if you have to go I understand but I If you could stay another five or ten minutes to let kaya answer this question. I would appreciate it. Is that house is okay? Yeah, thank you. I'll I'll be really quick the things around Abuse one is yes, please like therapy is great. I love therapy But also I think deconstructing the idea of what sex is right and what intimacy is and that intimacy is more than just You know even beyond penetration or beyond like Like genital stimulation that sex can be talking sex can be Intimacy can be all of these Things together right and so finding what that means and not feeling like you have to be boxed in to a certain Like a certain pattern When I think about when I thought about like what lifts my spirit or enlightens my spirit I love to be in community like Tanya knows I have I like two years ago said the majority of my work is going to be with black women And it changed my artistic practice and it changed what I do and I love it um And then I just think in the corporate world like More sort of what you were saying features but more than anything else Like I think about sitting around the faculty table and having people discuss my hair or my pregnancy Right, like I would never discuss somebody's bald spot at a faculty meeting because it would be Talk about my hair Um or my expanding belly like I can I talk about your expanding belly? Probably not I would probably be Being inappropriate, right? So I don't think that's changed um uh, but yeah, I just I What I love about what you've said bea is that like I think the more we can show it as ourselves Right, so the idea that to be professional we have to imitate Uh a white culture And I I say white culture because white there are white women who do it too, right? That we have to appear this way that we can't be I work in community Right, there's a way I get my job done. I do it excellently. I'm really good at what I do But I'm going to do it like me and I think the freedom that I found in that versus like Burr button-up shirt do this do that No, because that's not me and what I'm going to bring to your organization is going to come from what I know And from what my people know and the way that we work and I think breaking down that idea I think that's starting to happen in the corporate world and I think it has in the past I am so grateful for this conversation. I could keep talking to all of you for many more hours, but um All right, we have come to the end of our time um thank everyone who was listening in and Beatrice, I know we can find you at bpn, right at broadway podcast network Kaya has a website kaya done calm I'm at tanya pinkins calm in my movie red pill Thanks to crystal chase who put all of us together with her vision She put through black woman's lens together and to howl around who Is our host? I thank all of you for listening and we'll be back one last time next month. I'm doing academia And so I hope you'll join us um the last thursday in october And thank you again ladies if you will hold on after me uh end the live broadcast to everyone out there stay safe wear a mask and um You know Enjoy yourself spend some time exploring your body hungry hungry medium. Don't forget that you can have spiritual sessions with cat at the hungry medium dot com and uh You know, I someone can turn me on just with their mind They are no one lot about something and I can get quite aroused just listening to someone listening to all of these women today Talk about things that they're passionate about is quite erotic for me. So um, thank you and blessings to everyone. See you next month