 You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications button so you're notified for when my next podcast goes live. You know what the thing is James with me that really hurts me the most is I got shot so I'm a victim but I feel that I am to blame for it. So when I look in my mum and dad's eyes and my son's eyes I feel that I owe them so much because I got shot. Do you know what I mean? So I feel like I own my trauma though. So then they pulled us in the room, pulled the curtain around and they're saying there's a bullet lodged in my spine L1, T12 is hit three bones on the way down and it's lodged and then they've said the words that hit me the most hardest is you're never going to walk again. I was like mum I need to go wee it's like yeah okay cool just go I said what I said but help me out the bed it's like Darren you're not you don't get it do you're paralyzed from your waist down you've got a catheter and I was like mum a catheter is for older people like when I see them in the home it's not not judging anyone just saying it's like you've got a catheter and you're gonna have to have a catheter for the rest of your life. I was like shit man that's when reality hit me hard man and I just remember having a little iPad when they first come out and I was looking for to commit suicide and going to Switzerland to commit suicide I had some mad dark times in there and I put on a lot of weight I put on I come from 21 stone within seven months I put on 11 and a half stone I was eating I was lying about my eating I was secretly eating asking people to bring stuff in. I remember getting a ferret band tying it to the back of the hospital bed and boy I just I just remember yanking my neck saying please go let me go please go let me go but that's that's the reality of this. So you try to kill yourself? Yeah, a twist. When you were trying to kill yourself in the hospital what was going through your mind five minutes ten minutes before and that I'm making it better for everyone around me I'm not a burden. Yeah it's sad to think that isn't it but you don't really it doesn't really take away your pain what it does is pass it on. There you go so then it comes back to how much more trauma I'm about to put on my loved ones again how much heart I felt heartache can they take. They blame themselves maybe. There you go. It's nothing to do with them. People need to understand the fucking misery the cause is beholden I got in a knife if you hold I got in a knife you are a coward you are a shite bag. My message is so powerful I just want to say whatever you whatever you are going through and remember if you are at rock bottom there's only one way and it's up and when you start climbing that ladder and using it as a process more than a negative outlook you're gonna survive. Bit more on. Yes. Ready. And today's guest we've got fucking Daniel. Yes James. How are you brother? I'm good man good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Thank you for inviting me on. Yeah thanks for coming on. No it's powerful man it's gonna be powerful. Yeah you've got a powerful story. Yeah very powerful. London boy. London bone bread. Shop three times. Yeah. Paralyzed. Puttin' a waist down. End of that over 30 stone. Yeah 32 and a half. Just go for over two years. Nurses cleaning up your shit your piss. And now here you are mate you walked up the stairs here to get here and you've lost fucking over 10 stone you're flying you're sending positive messages you're going round schools going round prisons changing life you're using that fuel the pain of the past to now making some positive changes for the future I love that. Yes no thank you I appreciate it. So how have you been? I've been good you know it's been a powerful year obviously with the so called pandemic you still power through do you know what I mean I think is how you look at life. That's what really makes a difference how you personally yourself looks at life. Yeah. So that's what that's what counts. Gotta take the good with the bad. Hundred percent. Gotta keep my head up up. It's always more good when you weigh out the bad. Yeah definitely. I'll always go back to the start with my guest brother. Where'd you get up and how it all began. So basically I grew up in Croydon area south of Newwood to be precise. Yeah south London has probably got that is crazy because south London's got like a relatively good rep in the sense of like a lot of so called people are come from south London from where I'm from and there's always a story behind it so when you go out somewhere you say people meet you they're like where are you from you say south London they're like oh so like they're a bit taken back or they want to be your friend because it's like a cool thing that you're from south London. How was your school and stuff. You know it was I got I was good at school to work out to probably year seven so always wanted to be seen and loud and a bit bossy but with my dad being Nigerian my mom being English my dad weren't tolerating the bad behavior so I think I was in year seven and I said to the geography teacher oh that's a liberty and I remember shouting it out in all the class laughing and then within about I was suspended and you know we got to sit down and wait for your parents to come down my dad come down with my uncle and less than 24 hours later I'm in Nigeria so my dad was literally said to me what does liberty mean took me home said to me explain to explain to me what liberty means remember I'm in year seven I didn't know what liberty means but when I got to Nigeria I realized liberty means at your own freedom that freedom I lost so I got sent back to Nigeria because of my behavior and it is more of answering back and coming from an area where it was like fighting all the time so that's what it was for me. So how long you're in Nigeria for? For the first time was like maybe eight nine months and that was like when I turned from 12 no year seven so year seven yeah 12 to 13 or I turned 13 over there and my life was like it was crazy man it was like it was like I'm coming from England and then I'm going it's to Nigeria and then I'm getting water I remember I said to my dad dad I'll take the taps when there's no water coming out it goes this is called life Darren this is what you're gonna learn the value of life and I'm not gonna lie it taught me a lot till this day and not only I got to meet my grandparents out there that I didn't that hadn't been to England to visit me they've been to England before but they've gone back to Nigeria so it's like a life that it turned my life around. So was he doing that for punishment or to learn your? Punishment to understand life. To understand life to appreciate what I do have when I'm in England and for me that was like a big head turn because not turning on the taps and I remember the time I've gone to the light switch and I turned on the light switch and I'm like there's no there's no light. I said dad he's like he goes this is what I mean you're gonna learn and then like within two weeks they are he just left me there so he's gone he's gone back home but that's the lesson that I didn't need I had some there's some huge actions that implemented on my life throughout that it taught me that discipline and stuff and to appreciate stuff and I think it kept it's still with me now so that the stuff that I don't take advantage for turning on the light going to the not going to the world to get water but taught me a lot of discipline. How was that then was any resentment against your dad at that time? At first because I'm young I was like oh why did you send me off I was scared of my dad my dad's very strict and very direct and very strong so if even with words he's strong so he didn't have to hit me his words was as powerful as a hit so whether it was like me getting hit when I was growing up or disciplined or him saying a strong word I'll be real with you it's probably one of the reasons why I'm still walking today because later on as this goes on I'll tell you something that one of the reasons when I come out of hospital how I started to walk again. So what were you doing when you were in Nigeria? Were you schooling or were you just walking? So I was having a life at Riley because my cousins when my dad went my cousins were my cousin my uncle was a pilot so I got to stay with them so then I was getting like we had drivers so he's going to a play school Mr Biggs which is a crew of McDonald's so then I'm living that life then my granny was like Darren you're not here for that took me out of like a private school in Nigeria and beat me in a mainstream school now that time I've gone into the mainstream school on the way this is my first encounter on a bus on the way to school there have been some local robbers now the police have come and no lie they shot them but I didn't see them actually get shot I saw a commotion I'm only young there's a shooting thinking wow what's going on there and then I've gone back to school so the next day the bodies that I saw like the figures that I saw Elaine and Agata dead so for me I was like this is this is crazy this is like I've seen death so at an early stage I saw death and I was just like I was taken back but then I was thinking okay cool because I've always been that strong mind it's not me but it's like they're laying in Agata so even when I was going home I was thinking they're laying in Agata like is that normal but it was normal there was robbers whatever they'd done so that experience for me has an impact on me daily what did you do when you come home? so when I come back home I was good I was on a good path were you pretending to be good so you didn't get sent back or were you good? I was pretending to be good but I didn't want to go back to Nigeria but I'll be honest with you seeing my grandparents and learning the discipline and the culture and seeing that the way they served their food and cooked their food and they preserved their food and stuff like that it made me want to see my grandparents again but shortly long after that I was back in trouble just like silly things like being naughty and like disobeying my dad and getting silly things like he warned me like don't get a moped because they're dangerous and me being Darren I wanted a moped so I used to hide this moped in the back of my grandmother's garage I got a spare key off my grandmother he only lived like 30 doors away from my house so I got a key a spare key for the garage got it cut don't ask me how I knew how to do this I was just thinking on the spot used to park the moped in the garage because my grandmother never used the garage and my dad was like have I seen you on the bike today Darren not me it must be someone else okay cool but I think he always knew because obviously he's a man so he's probably done these things as he's younger as well but having two parents consistent in my life has been a blessing because it's taught me a lot of morals in my own relationships with my family and people around me and the closeness you know what I mean and I think this day and age a lot of people they're not together with each other what did you do your younger years for work so my younger years so basically my younger years so I used to work in my dad's computer shop when I was in trouble which was every weekend and every day I remember so a journey from the house would take in a car about 20 minutes my dad would say I see you at the shop I said what? I said but you're going to the shop I see you at the shop so he said get on a bus for an hour and a half go to the shop come back from the shop he'd leave the shop go home and say I see you at home so I used to spend three hours commuting on the weekend that was my punishment because I didn't listen to him so I spent a lot of time doing lines as well and holding up the world holding up the world means you stand near the wall with your hands up and every time they go low they drop you're going to get you're in trouble I remember writing lines like the Bart Simpson lines I must not I must not that was me every time Darren must not do this Darren must not do that and I used to think oh man it's too much if you're any brothers or sisters I've got a younger brother how old is he? he's 28 29 29 but he's a good boy he's a good man he's a powerful man and I'm ever so blessed to have him because not realize it you know when you have someone younger you always look at that's like my little brother not realizing there's probably 607 years between us but he'll always be my little brother because I've seen him grow and I really appreciate his growth and not going to take like they're everywhere from taking on the roads and I think his biggest turn out was when for me when his friend got stabbed it's been 10 years a boy called Charms and I remember him screaming down the phone hysterically that took a big impact on his friendship group and that was probably the first time I'd probably hurt someone other than being in Nigeria like in England though but getting stabbed that was so close to home that was his best friend when I mean best friends the group of friends that he's with have stayed together ever since so did I he died man unfortunately which is crazy because he had so much talent yeah shit fucks with your head it does did that affect you brother for a long time it still affects you when you lose something like that or somebody like that it still plays in your mind something will trigger it whether it's a year 10 years or 20 years it definitely does because show after I got shot so it was like a double whammy his friend has been his friend took a knife attacked and passed and then his older brother gets shot and then the journey there is just like it's impactful towards my whole family man and even though you know the thing is James with me that really hurts me the most is I got shot so I'm a victim but I feel that I am to blame for it so when I look in my mum and dad's eyes and my son's eyes I feel like I owe them so much because I got shot do you know what I mean so I feel like I own my trauma though I own the trauma so going into it I didn't even tell my son to this day I've been shot either and I don't intend to because it's my trauma I want to own it do you know what I mean I don't want my son to grow up with I'm going to get this person or try and find the person that done this to my dad and number two I don't want him to grow up and think oh my dad's a gangster because there's nothing gangster about getting shot there's nothing gangster about picking up a knife or even doing a shooting I think you're a clown if you pick up any type of weapon to endanger someone's life and from the early stage my dad always said to me if you can't have a one on one with someone and win with your bare hands you're not a man you don't need weapons to go and fight and it's life less man let's be honest the amount of death that's going on and despairing people's family because like I said from my heart it doesn't stop here man the trauma is with me every day the trauma is with my mum when I get attached for my mum I can show you on my phone five o'clock every day son good morning just need to know you're okay that has not stopped yeah when I leave the house son make sure you miss me when you get in I'm 37 years of age that has impacted my life and my mums and my dad and my brother down to the point even when I'm coming here let me know how the flight is obviously it hurt his things but it's more there's more to it there's more to it showing love and making sure you're okay it's just something at the back of the mind that cause they don't want to lose them you've had that phone call your son's been shot it could potentially be dead and I always say a gangster is a weak man tell another weak man what to do listen obviously I speak to a lot of bad men and well potentially and the when you break it all down you do see the vulnerability you see the shit that went through in their past this one is a bad up bringing in they want someone to blame same as drug dealers if you're selling drugs you're part of the problem there's kids as young as 10 taking drugs you're part of that people dying prostitution you're part of that connection so people say oh don't touch it you're still part of the connection if you've got other people to do it so but if you don't know that it's hard if you're in that life because you do and we say all the time a product to an environment it's hard to listen to others but when you've actually lived it and you've experienced it and you've been there and you go listen I'm fucking telling you do you want your mum to come up crying or your dad or your brother are you in a gang yourself are you in that gang culture where you're a violent man yourself but the gang's not going to be with you when push comes to stop they're gone but with you were you in that gang then no I never in a gang so where might it happen I was on enough the roads I'll be honest hearing there I mean but I was never a gang person so I had a job I worked in a postal office for seven and a half years I had a job at the time of my shooting and stuff like that but obviously being around the area that I'm from I met a lot of people who had done whatever I was involved whatever hearing there but I've never I'm not a violent person I never condone hurting or touching everyone or robbing anyone that's never been my thing middle man make drinks here and there it's something it's easy but whether you're the middle man the main man or any man that game is a mug's game man I can't lie because you either go to jail yeah or you're gonna get robbed or you may not even wake up in the morning because whenever they catch you there's no lawyer he's no more so how was your life leading up to the shooting then it was good man I was buying and selling cars so I had a loophole because I knew so many people so I can buy and sell cars I didn't even need to sell my car as an auto trader so I had so much friends so well let me go back associates around me that were buying cars and stuff cars I worked in a post office and then my friends showed me about scrap metal and me I was always a man like an ultra paner type of brain like I had something like I had something once I do something I'm fixated on it so my friends said to me that one day come come let's go scrap metaling I said what scrap metaling I didn't get it he's like come come jumped in the van done a day with him and we got like 500 pounds and I was like for people leaving out washing machines like microwaves he showed me how to take the non-ferrous down and weigh in and do it separate then I pulled off a job I remember going to the hotel in Croydon and I said what if I bring like what are you doing with the baths and the sinks he's like well we're getting rid of it I said but you got a big skip it's gonna cost you money he's like well if you can get me five vans down here now yeah you can have the job so I went to the scrapyard and I asked five people come with me I got a job listen I was getting maybe seven to ten grand out of all their scrap metal you're talking taps the copper the sinks and then I took it up every day so I used to get up at four o'clock in the morning go scrapping till five thirty in the morning have a van full yeah and then go to the gym because I was trying to lose I was very big then I was quite big to beat but I was quite a fat to be fair you know it's not quite me trying to beat around the corner cause I was fat and then then I thought you know what I need to do so do the gym this is gonna help me burn weight when I'm lifting the metal then go to the gym stop finish about six o'clock shower in the gym get to post office for seven thirty do a twenty four twenty four and a half hour shift a week so probably about five or four hours a day and then that was it then I used to wait to about three thirty no three o'clock weighing the weight weighing the metal so I had a good routine so I was always working before the post office job was in job centre plus working job centre plus so I always my dad my mum and my dad are hard workers they've always taught me to work for the money that money doesn't come easy but they've always taught mum but dad's always told me one crucial thing do not chase money until today I understand why he said money will chase you because the more you chase it the more it's gonna run if you beat a flow money will come to you and he's told me one key thing out of everything is save your money invest your money and that's where a lot of people go wrong these days these kids they see this Instagram life and what they're not showing you is some of these people could done investment or had like a big investment handed down from their family like premium bonds or stuff like that then they use it on stuff material things and all of a sudden you wanna do it or you wanna sell drugs now cause that rapper says that or that that rapper doesn't sell drugs that rapper sells records yeah that word sells drugs so that's where it is for me yeah but you just gotta keep again your dad seems like an educated man who try to keep level headed to understand how violent London can be and the crime but there's still a lot of opportunities in London just like anywhere especially if he's out grafting if you're working so when you're going through all that then working hard and just try to make a quick earner the night you get shot what happened with that experience that was like if I'm honest I don't know man it's crazy because so I'm at the back of the van there's a person approached me with a mask on he's like give me the money I was like what money are you talking about and then I've turned around sorry his plits back's dark he's like give me the money I'm like what money and then I've lost my temper he's shot me so I had a wound across here just like you know like a skin wound I grabbed the person by the throat I didn't freeze maybe if I froze I'd probably maybe I wouldn't have been in this situation now maybe I'd been walking maybe I wouldn't have been paralyzed but then maybe I would have been dead I didn't freeze I hit out and then by that time two other cars were parked not far away to say a few meters away and then two other people four people come out of the car then another four people you're getting rushed punched, kicked punched, kicked you can't feel them it's like it's a little flicks you cannot feel it I'm not really registering the guy's got a gun quite a long story short they're like I'm going to kidnap you you're coming with me I know you've got money I know you've got money so I took off the I had like a Louis Vuitton bag you know one of them messenger bags so I'm thinking okay take it take it just take it so I've got it off my neck but he's grabbing my this bag so hard it's you know it's cutting into my neck so I'm having like these bruised kind of marks in the end I said look just take it like wherever you come for just take it take it take it I'm scared in it I'm not going to lie because boy now there's that eight of you anyway and I remember my dad saying whatever you do just punch or hit someone because that way you've got your man so whether your friends get them or the police get them someone laid down that's your person done it hit it out but there's only so much hit now you've got fresh hands fresh feet hitting you kicking you punching you and before you know it just wanted to end I'll be honest I just wanted it to end so bad got to a point where I'm walking with a person and I just remember seeing this lamp post and I just bear hugged it with all my life and I just started screaming as loud as I couldn't he's shot again and it missed it went through the fence I've done it so now it's broke free I've screamed girls come running down the stairs screaming screaming it's like it's weird it's happening slow but fast like at the same time so I've seen the girls like as I'm laying on them like as now I'm getting kicks and punches and the man's come running out from the gate before I know it they've now broke free so I'm free now so me I'm walking off I'm gonna catch you I'm in anger now I'm gonna catch you I don't know who's done it there's all masks they are what they look like or anything and I'm just like I'm gonna find out who this is watching shouting in anger the person has run up run up to my back so say that's my back here they picked a gun in the back they've let it go and instead of going through my chest which is here it didn't it went down and ricocheted into my spine I'm gonna be honest with you I didn't know I didn't know how effective the spine was to at least eight hours after my injury so now I'm laying on the floor with my friends on her phone saying look I think I've been shot but maybe I've been stung because there's no blood and this is the this is the the rally of it I'm not that's not my life so for me when I was on the floor I remember you're you're gonna think this sounds weird but you know when Phil Mitchell in these tenders to get shot this is all I can say he's like ah loads of blood and all this and you're just like oh he's got shot that much sitting on the floor so I don't think I've been shot but literally as I'm laying on the ground now from my toes to my chest here is going numb and it's going numb so quick like I'm having to lay out on the floor so now I've had to lay down because it's so numb and heavy in my body but I'm thinking this has got to be a stun gun there's no way on this earth so I'm like alright just I'm ringing my friends just get me to my mums get me to my mums and dads I'll be alright it's cool I'll be alright 10 minutes later on no man at 8.20 I hugged my mum I was going out at 8.30 when I drove down the road 10 minutes later I'm shot I'm nearly dying on the floor and oh man and just you know what I was more scared of if I'm honest the phone called that someone is going to call my mum and dad and say because I'm their child and in anyone's life and I've spoken to my dad about life before because I'm 28 at the time he says your children never go before you and that rung bells in my head that's the honest truth did you think that kept you alive at that point yeah because I tell you what kept me alive is I don't know man it's a number of things my mum and my dad and it's Cam my son how old was your son at the time two two so it's not that so you know what kept me alive what kept me alive was I can't die man it's not it's not my journey today so I just wanted to tell me when I get into the hospital that I've been stung on it and your frozen your body just froze it well I'm free soon oh man and then I get to the hospital I'm getting blue lighted sorry let me go back to the blue light so I'm in the ambulance and then ambulance people are talking over me and I'm saying I'm starting to worry now adrenaline like it's gone now this is me now I'm like what's happened what's happened why are you not telling me nothing they're cutting off my clothes but you've got to imagine I can't feel them cutting off my clothes I can see them when I'm looking over the mask they're cutting off my clothes why why are you cutting off my clothes so you're going to be okay and then I'm hearing blue lights and then I'm hearing screams and then I'm just a number of things and they hit you with morphine so now I'm all over the place like I get to the outside the hospital I look around there's loads of people that I know why are they all here and then it dawns on me man like I'll get rushed in from the ambulance to a room I mean ICU now which is the highest unit oh man my mum and dad are there shit my mum and dad are there and I'm there just like you've been shot so okay cool but then I've got a rush to go to CT scan and MRI scan all these scans are going on so then they pulled us in a room pulled the curtain around and they're saying there's a bullet lodged in my spine L1 T12 it's hit three bones on the way down and it's lodged and then they've said the words that hit me the most hard is you're never going to walk again so from there and then from the get go with the spine called injury being so damaged from the bullet so it's from the shot and whatever the bullet lets out when it goes in the damage to the bones and the spine is affected I didn't know how to take it in man I just pumped morphing I remember pumping this morphing just like hand on the button just pumping pumping pumping pumping and then the next day was like a hard hit man because I'm gone I said to my mum she's up the next day I need to go we she's like what she's like oh no no let me go she didn't say what I was like mum I need to go we she's like yeah okay cool just go I said what I said but help me out the bed she's like Darren you know you don't get it do you you're paralyzed from your waist down you've got a catheter and I was like mum a catheter is for older people like when they see them in the homes not judging anyone just saying she's like you've got a catheter and you're gonna have to have a catheter for the rest of your life I was like shit man that's when reality hit me hard man and that's when I took some major I went downhill do you know what I mean I really did went downhill and I remember looking up online I think blackberries were out then and I just remember having a little iPad when they first come out and I was looking for to commit suicide and going to Switzerland to commit suicide because you pay ten thousand pound and they give you a pill that's how much I wanted to really really get out of it and I had some mad dark times in there and I put on a lot of weight I come from twenty one stone within seven months I put on eleven and a half stone I was lying about my eating I was secretly eating asking people to bring stuff in I've done two and a half years in the hospital in total I had three different hospitals I started off in Kington for four and a half weeks when they got me up on a bed this is how serious it is so they said physio will get you out an OT on the side of a bed we've great help so you've got to remember the embarrassment for me is I've got a five foot woman hoisting me out of bed do you know what pride that took out of me that I was getting hoisted out of a bed listen man it's not it's something I'm never going to forget but it's the experience that I want to grow from and I'm going to use it fuel to always do better because when I was getting hoisted my dignity had gone and every time they hoisted me my bowels would open because I didn't have no control over my bowels so I had a catheter put on the side of the hoist the woman hoisted me off the bed with someone else and then picked me on to the wheelchair wheeled me down to physio as soon as I do physio with them my bowels open again because I've got spinal shock so I'm going through hell right now this is what life is this I'm relying on three nurses a day in the bed you can smell something my bowels are open my bowels are open it's embarrassing I don't want to see no one it got to a point where I turned everyone away from the hospital and don't come no visits today so I hit some dark places I remember getting a ferro band a ferro band is what they teach you to do exercise with your hands because that's the only thing that's working out from here is like my head shoulders and my band so you're doing ferro bands I remember getting a ferro band tying it to the back of the hospital bed and boy I just remember yanking my neck saying please go let me go please go let me go but that's the reality of this so you try to kill yourself yeah twice and how was your dad and mum at that time ah man it was in bits because I imagine having your son treading your he's my brother I'm going to commit suicide and then my dad's my mum's told my dad by this time I mean made a hospital King Croydon University hospital and my dad's come up in anger like I remember when I you know when your dad's angry when you're a child I remember it and he was red eyed he comes storming into my thing he put me on like normally I need help to get on the wheelchair he's thrown me on the wheelchair and this is one of the strongest u-turns of my life when this is when you need tough love he took me outside in the wheelchair in the rain yeah on the woodcroft wing I'll never forget it and he was so angry he's like you want to tell my life you're my wife you're going to commit suicide yeah if you're going to do it Darren you do it yeah but don't tell my wife that you're going to do it and I remember him being so angry and his words just trembled through me and now I realize that I can't do this man even the faults that the build up to commit suicide do you know how hard that is to even think I'm going to pre-predict how I'm going to take my life but then I've got to think what my mum and dad are going to see when I do this in the hospital and my brother and then what they're going to tell my son do you know what I mean and all these things run through my head and I just I didn't want to be here no more but without him doing that and without my mum telling him I probably would have tried to do it way more than three times I tried twice way more than three times that I did actually because I tried so the Ferro ban I wanted to go to Switzerland and I tried to take a lot of tablets the tablets just gave me a headache so me trying to commit suicide in the other hospital I'd be honest I laugh about it but I just had a big headache and then by that time I was just like now I'm sitting up here on tramadol and the ceiling is going boom boom so I mean like I've moaned at them saying I want a side room all I complained about is having a side room that was my darkest days man that's one of the things I've never done is having my own side room because I've tried to take my life in there with tablets and up with a massive headache for about three days and um you're not seriously watching anything? no no no no not at all but I think for me now like I just my message is so powerful I just want to say whatever you are going through and remember if you are at rock bottom there's only one way and it's up and when you start climbing that ladder and using it as a process more than a negative outlook you're going to survive and when you get to the your survival mode that's in the middle of your survival mode because you're going to take dips it's how you handle the dips and for me I handle my dips well because I just I train myself to um just be around like streams of happiness and that's multiple streams and that's not money for me that's love man that's emotion that's my partner and my son and my mum my dad and turn up to the birthday to Christmas and stuff that I every day every time they have a birthday on Christmas I feel like it's mine because that's the time where I've got to relive and see you again so it's big for me man yeah it makes you see the world differently so differently and I have a lot of people on here that's caused a lot of pain on the others we've got a lot of victims that's why I never glorify anybody that's on because there's always victims always man you're talking about now yeah has been shot who potentially wanted to kill themselves who their son grown up without a dad yeah dad burying their son mum burying their son yeah people need to understand the fucking misery the causes be holding a gun in a knife if you hold a gun in a knife you are a coward you are a shite bag you're a coward because you are so weak that you've got to understand that they are vulnerable as well they're so fragile that they need to hold that shit to give them protection but not understanding a whole fucking ripple effect to the causes the misery the pain people's lives are destroyed for the rest of their days for the rest for the rest do you know what do you know what it does like my vision my vision and hypersensitivity hyper-vigilant is crazy man I can't go to somewhere without sitting near a fire exit remember I'm on crutches I can't run why am I trying to run for I haven't done nothing I don't have no B4 I'm not in a gang or I don't have nothing I've never done nothing I was a victim of a gang crime so why should I feel like this because someone picked me in this position and everyone says yeah it's easy to get your mind straight the word physically and mentally trying to get your mind straight that's not the easiest thing it's taking me a long time and I still do stuff like anxiety I have like a flashback so it's a certain light for my lamppost if I'm driving or I'm walking and it just hits me and I'm just like whoa and I just feel a bit airy do you know what I mean and then I start looking over my shoulder thinking I'm not going to get shot again then the panic tax that comes in then I don't know man it's like it doesn't go but I'm aware of it now and I'm aware when then dips come like I said and I'm prepared to attach myself to stuff that makes me happy because that's what you need to do and if you have if anyone that picks up on that I feel gone I play I just pray listen before you go out and do something they're going to be two victims it sounds crazy but they're going to be a victim that took the injury and a person that goes to jail what you don't realize is both your parents are going to suffer yeah both the parents in this situation are going to suffer because they're going to have a child in jail yeah which is rightfully they need to go to jail when they harm someone but it's not over for them they get to come out they get to still have life they still get to create life that their person they don't get to create life man do you know what else is said they're doing a lot of mentoring for young kids and we're gathering from each other generation he's the person that got me on to the the mentoring at first it's done a year and a half of him for free like going up and down just I wanted to change one person's life that didn't happen actually in so many people's life and one of the there's two hard hitting stories and one was when the guy messaged Gavin saying he wants to commit suicide because when he got stabbed he has to have a claustomy bag so when he got stabbed he had to have a claustomy bag he said I'm never going to go Ibiza again and he was calling it a shit bag so I got this shit bag I'm not going to be able to have sex with girls or have a relationship and he was worried about what his friend think as a young age and that's what he that's where he was aiming with it and he messaged Gavin saying I want to commit suicide and for me that's when I realized I was that person and no bladder no bowels no function no walking and I couldn't do it man and I'll tell you where the biggest U-turn for me one of my other U-turn was when I was in that room on that tramadol somehow my dad and my uncle just turned up randomly remember I mean that there's a hospital where it's a rehabilitation center to walk again I need to say something now that see the nurses and physios they're heroes man amazing listen they are amazing they are real life they deserve more than what they do they get you walking you build relationships with them they help you they're there 16 hours shit with you so 16 hours a day sometimes 12 to 16 hours a day you're with them then you get a bond with them then you realize that they just they're here for their own reasons they want to help you it's not just a job for them and even the ones at Croydon University Hospital I can't listen I speak to them still today so helpful and I don't know man like there's a time when I was in the physio so this is one of my turn around so I'm in physio I'm in my wheelchair you've got to do wheelchair skills so big man like me I'm 32 and I've stolen a pill on some I've got a bariatric fare that doesn't fit through the doors so I can't go home now because I meant to go home now but my wheelchair I've got so big I've had to get a bariatric chair and a bariatric bed they've got me a bed from America because I'm so big and I can't move so going back to it let me go back to the actual progress of it so at first Mayday Hospital I meant to go down for a catheter a super pubic catheter at 6 in the morning so you're told that you're gonna go down in the morning you're put on a ward you're gonna go down this is to have a super pubic catheter installed in my stomach so when I go to wee it goes straight into a bag it's in a leg bag and that's it 12 o'clock at night I wake up remember I'm going down in six hours or five and a half hours and I'm like nurse I need to go wee it's like Darren you're hallucinating because you're an infection you can hallucinate and I'm like no I need to go wee now I weren't pressing the bell it's like calm down calm down can you just calm down if you don't calm I'm gonna pull this out she's like you're gonna pull it out I said I'm gonna pull my catheter out she's like you dare don't do that please get me a doctor now I could feel my wee and I don't know what it was like I promise you like I could feel I needed to go urine like I needed to wee so I was like come come come come then she's come running over remember and I've pulled this catheter out not knowing it it's like this long all this blood and urine it's gone everywhere and then she's run over got me a sick bowl so I weed and stopped she's like how do you do it that's when I realized I had a mental block that's right that's through the nurses and physios their profession hands up to them they're brilliant people but some people telling me most people telling me 99% Darren you're not gonna walk so you gotta remember you keep telling someone that I'm four months into my gonna believe that I'm gonna believe it I know I'm five and a half five and a half months in I'm gonna believe I'm not gonna walk cause you're telling me rest of your life hospital bed in your house wheelchair social care outside OT physio just like the other you're planning me for the worst not knowing that I had a mental block that's when I started becoming aware of the mind more than anything so then didn't have the didn't have the super pubic catheter started weaning normal started weaning to urine balls bowels bowels come back within two days of that happening then my sexual function come back and the reason why I say my sexual function like that was so much strength because a mouth that's a lot of pride to lose them things do you know what I mean I'll never have a kid again I will never give life at this rate it come back but my legs didn't so now I'm got my functions back but my legs are weak no my legs are not moving so they're still paralyzed so from my grain now my legs are not moving they're paralyzed they're sitting there like that and even my ankles they're meant to be sitting like they're turned out so they're having to massage it remit do whatever every day and then I get to stop Mandeville and stop Mandeville is like wheelchair friendly so you've got imagine I come from a normal hospital and then I've gone to stop Mandeville overnight woke up and I've met this guy called Dr. Belchi and he's come right he does his checks he went up to my leg he went done some finger test and pin test and he went see you in the morning you're gonna walk so I was like what Dr. Belchi come back come back come back two o'clock in the morning I'm like what do you mean I'm gonna walk he's like I have faith in you and he walked and I was like okay so it gave me a glimmer of light but obviously he's won against whatever and then from that situation there I didn't walk straight away it was a long process but one one of the process was you meet a physio you get your timetable you have hydrophobia all these things in place you go to it so one was wheelchair skills one that I never went to one that always lost my temper over and said if I don't see myself in a wheelchair but I didn't trust the process I'm not gonna walk and then this will always go back to it it's a process and the process was I had to do this to go further so I went down to use the wheelchair to drive a car so in the car part in the actual physio department they have a car part on the side you have a sliding board a banana board so you're meant to scoot your bum over like this from the wheelchair over with your arms she goes that's how you drive a car so I remember saying are you crazy that's not how you drive a car are you are you drunk and she's like please don't be offensive to me Darren or you can go I said I'm going I'm going and she goes you're not gonna do it she's shouting you're gonna do your physio and you're gonna do it properly she's like now move it so I was like okay so I got up I pushed up took two steps and sat in the car and the whole of the physio department's gone quiet and I'm like she's like do that again she's like do what you just did again I said what are you talking about I stood up I picked my hands on the on my wheelchair stood up took two steps and sat on the edge of the car seat so I didn't use the banana board and then that's when I realised that it's the mental block more than anything and I'm just going with the worst case scenario all the time so what about if I think about the best case scenario so then within days like my leg is it's going crazy hypersensitivity I still have it now so it's like a fiery feeling it's called hypersensitivity so it feels like you're on fire all day long it just feels like you're going up and down your legs are on fire so I thought how about if I get pain relief but try and walk but in the time when this has happened I'm 32 and a half stone I've been on 11 and a half stone being in the hospital how am I going to walk now when I've sabotaged myself and at myself up I've been on 11 stone it's not even going to make no sense so now back to the process I had to go back lose weight and then start again so I kind of like went back on like I just kept hurting myself like self hurting self harming yeah self harming so getting putting all that weight on that was self harm I just wanted to eat my way out of it not realizing that I'm stopping the process within so then I started taking like a couple of when I mean like little steps like you're talking step like that step like that I have to sit down I'm out of breath I'm walking 10 meters it's taking me 35 minutes in a physio session it's crazy yeah how about talking about getting shot it hurts man I think today's today's hurt me the most because I've never gone in deep depth like that I've always hit the surface because I feel that I don't know I feel safer doing it but it's so bad release for you yeah this is going to this will go up to the masses and it will get people a better understanding basically talking about killing yourself you wouldn't be sitting here if that happened you wouldn't be going to prisons, schools, helping others sometimes we've got to be the pawns in the game to go to the darkness you know what you're strong enough to do so you're going to be shitting in a bag you're going to be pissing all over the place you're going to be vulnerable you're going to be weak but you know what I know you're going to come through with strength power honesty and then you can start changing fucking world changing lives and it's a beautiful thing buzzing looking through all that the misery it causes everyone else the heartache the pain so the night you get shot was it night or day night time 8.20 so if you never started fighting you'd have been away I would have been gone that's it I reckon that they would have just done what they had to do and go but I didn't see the sense in it because you got the bag there was 300 pound there was a car key in there the Louis bag was worth more what did you gain so loads of lives ruined for loads loads for nothing anyone ever got a present no one they didn't find no camera evidence whatever but it's the way it goes how would you feel if somebody came forward and says that was me it shot you the old me or the new me the old me or the new me the old you first let me tell you something you know when you're younger and you've got these so called not so called friends but these associates that say they ride or die and whatever it's all bullshit and you know what's fake it's so fake that you think that someone's gonna go out that's on your right hand man or your left hand man and commit a murder for you that anyone that's listening to this I need to wake up man cause it's not happening man same way they're not gonna ride your prison sentence with you same way they're not gonna ride the losses with you they're not gonna ride a murder for you they'll be riding as your fucking butt there you go CCTV there's too much and you deserve to get cool you take someone's life or endanger them listen I'm no saint but I will never cause no one to harm yeah and I'm me I'm a man of God and I've always been a man of God I believe in like I'm a Christian I've always prayed I pray more now because I'm more grateful for my life now and the fruits of my labor and stuff like that but if you ever think someone's gonna sit down there crazy you're off your head it's not happening so for me they're older me I'd want to get revenge they knew me I made a pact with God saying if I am disabled for the rest of my life which I am partly disabled I'll be honest you know what I mean I've had to learn the terms of it I still have AFOs and walking crutches I still fall over which is embarrassing from here 37 years of age but I get back up and that's the process it's the getting back up yeah I broke my hip in half through someone calling me a cripple I didn't like it I broke my hip in half drank silly and this is where alcohol comes in I need you to understand alcohol is a drug man it's a depressing drug man I remember hiding behind the alcohol even conversations with loved ones and just saying stuff out of the blue when I was drunk and I didn't drink till I was 29 and 30 so I had a lot to say I remember I'm harboring the gunshot and stuff like that and you're only human we're only flesh and blood everyone has it hard when you go through a trauma it's how you handle your trauma it's what you decide to do you can let your trauma drive you down or use that fuel to go back up to your next level to where you need to be me I use it as energy to go further and spread the message because like the new me if I saw the person now I'll ask you why man I'll ask you do you know what it really did to me that I'm going to be frank like the pissing on the bed and my pride and shit in myself and not even that the main thing was my family man how am I still going to tell my son how you tell me how am I meant to tell a 12 year old boy he died got shot he thinks he died coming from motorbike you know what's embarrassing for me there's still the fact that I got shot because I'm not even that character and for you to hold a weapon and use it against me it's nuts man do you think you'll tell your son one day someone else will you think it's best coming from you 100% it's going to come from me my bond with him is very tight he's a powerful boy man so powerful every time I speak to him he ran me this morning and he's like dad I said yeah he goes I'm just getting ready for school I said oh man I love you man have a good day one day I was speaking to him on FaceTime I said what's that in the background he said oh that's a Lamborghini I said how come you've got a Lamborghini and not something else because I'm going to get one when I'm 20 and you know what he will whatever he's passionate about now one of his passions is to be a chef so me any advice to anyone you've got a younger sibling or older person just teach them a skill if they're passionate about something invest in their passion don't force them to be something else if they want to do it's not your journey it's theirs and I think a lot of people they live like I've got to do what my mum and dad I've got to be a banker or a doctor no no no do what you're passionate about me my passion is to open my mouth and be the example of what can and what can't go on if you make it through I'm truly blessed by God to be sitting here today to be able to breathe new life and still give life to anyone I mean to have life it's a blessing I get up every day even though my feet can't feel the ground I'm like thank you God it's another day let's go I don't care if that's 4am in the morning because I'm in pain 5am but we're ready man this is it this is where you excel and I tell people all the time just go man and it's not I used to always be like a bit what do they think if I'm on crutches or they used to give me bad anxiety what do they think if he's been shot and I think one of the biggest things for me is when I was in my wheelchair and I went to a local shop and the person said to me what happened to you like an elderly person and I was like I got shot and she went you probably deserved it that was a big knock see that blow there that was like getting shot because I just faced coming out in a wheelchair being that weight of 32 stone you've got to imagine that my all pride's gone I haven't got hair cut I'm in the hospital already though like I said but time and time before my wheelchair don't even fit on the back of the wheelchair accessible bosses and when I did finally get to go out the first day I get told I deserved it probably just cause I got shot when you start doing well in life one of the best things you can ever do is not caring what other people think and it's so hard because we're living in a social media bubble we care too much what everybody thinks we want to be liked we want to be noticed we want to have the best of things because we think it's going to bias a love and attention but it's fake love it's fake attention it's fake so that shit as well you wouldn't be able to teach in your son how to visualize and Lamborghinis now external stuff don't mean fuck all but it's still good to have good things and have goals and understand life a bit more and when you're looking through that then you started learning how to piss again and started doing a toilet reactions and fucking but once you're over 30 stone how did you get that battle what was on your mind then at that time oh man it was crazy I remember saying to doctor I remember ringing up my friend James saying come to hospital I need you to take me to Allpitton to get bariatric surgery he's like what? what's that? so bariatric surgery is where you pit a gastric bypass bypass or a band yeah so I was in despair I went and you know what is that I clicked something I woke up in the morning and you know when you've got something come in your brain I've got to do it now I've got to act now and that's always been me so if the idea comes I don't care what time of day I have to act now so I woke up in the morning and I was like I've got to get bariatric surgery because if I've got my bladder bowels and my sexual funds imagine walking because my legs are just moving just a little bit at this time but imagine without all the weight on and quickly how much I'll get back so then my mind's doing overtime looking looking looking I was like take me there so I drove all the way to Allpitton how I got into a full focus we will never know to this day all the seats went down he's managed to get me in the front somehow but remember I wasn't walking in he's pushed me in with his friend whatever I'm 32 so I'm sitting in like this and all the way from Allpitton to Allpitton so you're talking an hour and 40 minutes and then I'm just like oh we're driving driving driving driving and it got there got the wheelchair out got into the place I had to call about five of them to come and help get the wheelchair the wheelchair the boot didn't shut where the wheelchair is so big and they're like we can't take money it's a process you've got a booking you've got combat you've got where your BMI and then if you're not safe to do it it's not happening so with that with more anger done the U-turn I wouldn't allow that at a hospital the hospital's ringing my ringing my mobile saying why are you out where have you gone you're not allowed at a hospital because you're high risk because you're shooting we don't know if it's a revenge attack I'd say like cool didn't answer the phone didn't answer the phone got back like about 20 miles in answered the phone like get back in there also get back in and then I go into a bit of depression does it feel like a present though yeah of course 100% because I become institutionalised so I'll give you an example of institutionalised so one time my brother's come to get me and he's let's go out for a drive so with the nurse season doctors they've helped me get in a car and he goes I'm gonna drive you down to mums listen I cried man I had tears rolling down my body wanting to see so I kept looking out the window just going like that pretending I weren't crying or thinking because I never knew if I was gonna sit in a car seat again and you know like you could smell your home smell so when he come I could smell the washing the clothes even though I didn't live at their house at that time but I could smell my mum and dad and different scenery because I'm so bounded to a routine in the hospital grounds it's like a prison but you're allowed to go outside the front and you gotta come back in is that prison with the injury or even I don't know what prisons like and God forbid anyone that goes there don't go there man because I visited them when I met the kids it's a crazy, crazy place oh man and I remember getting to the door and my mum just cried and my dad come out and sitting on the drive for the first time in maybe a year and a half and I was like I remember I couldn't walk over the steps it's a minor little step like that but I knew that I couldn't walk because I didn't have crutches at these times I'm on a bariatric all those things called bariatric I forgot what it's called the bariatric zimmer frame these bariatric frames are about as big as this no lie you have to walk with it and fold it up and then you walk with it and you stop again but like I said I didn't have the confidence to do the step so after that first time I went out a few more times they come and got me and I remember being in a car and I felt well weird because I'm sitting down at that time but I can't feel just sitting down so I could feel like like in my core that I'm sitting down because I still can't feel my legs at this stage properly my right leg's come back a lot more but I have AFO so I have no dorsiflexions I wear these things underneath they help me walk I have no core balance I'll fall over but wow like all these things here you never think you're gonna go through this man How was it looking at your mum and dad seeing them? Can I in? My dad never my dad never cried in front of me you know what I'm sorry can I rephrase that my dad's never cried I'm gonna become up to me is that will I tell you for my young age you're having a hospital or prison I'm not visiting you hurry up and get out of there and I think that mentality kept me going as much as it's strong love I needed it man that was the time I needed strong love because I was really weak all my option your heart was deaf it gave up that was it and then like I said going back is a time where my uncle and my dad come into the side room randomly they must have just sensed that and then my uncle got his hand my uncle Joe I look up to him so there's another role model in my life as well and he said he got his hand yeah and he said look at that so he goes look at that go like this he goes what can you see at the end he said light he goes you're going through the darkest tunnel now but as you open it slowly you'll see light and then once eventually you'll look back and you'll see light both sides because you're past it but you've got to trust yourself to get through it are you man enough to do it can you do it and that's when I realized I need to do it man so I got all my wires together why I need to do it and I remember going through it every single day so I remember I was turned up for not was I just turned up for physio I was asking them for extra physio or can I do something called an award at night and then that's where it become a process it become a training I train my mind to do it and then I stopped eating the food I did get a gastric bypass it's a funny story how it happened I said to Dr. Belchi if you don't get it I'm going to go and pay for it to get done get it sorted please I beg you and he's like what's with your idea I said look at the end of the day has any spinal patient ever had a bypass and lost weight he went no I said I'll be the guinea pig he took it up to the people ahead of him they got it done in two weeks but it didn't go the way I thought I went I'd lost 10 stone in six months that wasn't enough for me to walk properly or to walk with any out aids or to even walk without a carer or a person with me I had to get in a gym not realizing you still have to work with these things then I lost 10 stone I come to 22 and a half then I got outside into a gym I was always an early riser because in the morning they do bloods at 5 a.m. so I wake up at 5 a.m. it's normal now I got in a gym by 6 o'clock easy gym and I started using a sit down machine where you just train your arms and then before I knew it I lost another 7 and a half stone that's when my walking becomes strong and how did you start feeling when you started losing weight how did everybody else treat you as well don't you? I started feeling good man you know when you are in shape oh man I felt good man I just felt so blessed I felt you know I can do it I can do it and it gave me more it gave me more it gave me more rope to say yeah I got this I kept pulling I kept pulling then I got from I got from 5 XL to 3 XL 3 XL to 2 XL XL to large and then one time I got in a medium t-shirt I was like oh my gosh I got in a medium so you got to remember I've been in a medium since I was probably like 2 like do you know what I mean because I've always been like a heavier person so I was I was gassed I can't lie then I started telling people like you can do it if I can do it and there's not so much I can do it we all got the inner beast somewhere we all got the fire in our stomach some it just takes a little while for it to flame up and just go you know what it would help me a few times like fuck it I don't keep like that whole composure when I said it I knew that was it time that was that was that lying with me that I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this for myself there's no one in this world and then I started looking good then I started getting into track suits and I started feeling myself more then I didn't care what people thought then I started thinking you know what if I can tell people this is the process and trust it and it started working and now I'm hit with you lucky man so once you started getting out looking through all that so what's the process now of your life what you're doing now because I know you're in prisons and schools how's that then so how does people treat you that you've been the one shot and a lot of people in prison are there for shootings so much respect and light and in the enlightenment I have so much engagement for people through older younger generations I have parents that are going through a loss with a child and they just want to talk and just you know I mean I have a little good connection but you know it is for me I have a good foundation so let me tell you about the foundation so why is it important to have a foundation and I understand it now is if my family root is very good so that's my mom my dad my brother my son I've got a beautiful nephew now such an amazing kid and then I've got my partner's family and I've combined the families together so my foundation is so strong that I've got my partner's been through so much with me and I can't even let it you know she's a powerful girl and at certain times I'm a bit mony but you know as I get through it but I'll give it to her she's really pulled me through because when I got with her I was doing negative stuff and just thinking negative and her outlook's always been positive but her brothers and sisters they've really helped me too and her mom and I think for me so where I've gone forward now is I've made sure my foundation so strong that anything after it can only get stronger so for my family so for my god my meditation my family they're so important to me in the mornings like I look through stuff and my aunties my uncle I make sure that I'm at every family event so from there I can just excel in everything I need to do and I haven't got to worry about if something at home's not right or if something on my other like left side's not right because it's all right because I've gone back in time and made it okay because and it's important to have then conversations with people even when they're hard like the communication between your friends like even my circle of friends completely changed man like I some of the stuff that I would be having a conversation with people it's nothing personal but I don't indulge in conversations I don't find it funny and I just want to go I want to leave you know when that energy's gone they're in you yeah it's just like a drain and I'm polite I don't tell them that I just I remove myself and go about my business and I tell you what the thing is for me gym is therapy man it's so much therapy for me that is one of my biggest therapy ever that is movements medicine and if without the gym I don't know where I'd be yeah I've seen some of you if I do it's very inspirational but I don't sit in there with the sledge arm with the tires but you know how that come about that's down to the bricks and street gym Tarot and Ben but the reason why that's so important because no other gym does it who caters for adaptive seated seated exercises they do the one gym in the whole world or the whole of the UK at least that doesn't discriminate against disabled people or people with a disability because what other gym do you know that you can feel I've never felt comfortable in all the gyms I've been going the easy gym the David Lois the Becca I mean the spa gyms everything I've just been like that I feel like they look at you but in that gym they help you so as soon as you stop someone else picks up and helps you the energy is crazy so you've been in the hospital for two and a half years two and a half what was it like when you get told you're fucking leaving get out man they was happy cause I had a bad attitude pain in the ass pain in the ass nurse nurse every minute nurse hey that Darren no no no but then I started becoming independent that independent on myself so it got better and it got do you know what our last three months off you know what saved me being putting on that weight cause I got an extra an extra year in there because they couldn't house me so look at that irony like putting on all that weight gave me extra years extra physio cause I couldn't be housed because my wheelchair is not going through a standard I think the wheelchair was 38 something centimeters wide a standard the biggest door frame is 22 so then they finally got me out you know how they finally got me out they got me in a hotel travel lodge the wheelchair just fitted through and they even gave me a shower chair and said don't come back you cause us so much trouble shouting on the walls being boisterous but they love me then I built a good relationship I speak to a lot of them now and man they're heroes man people are amazing they don't get paid enough they're not saying my mum wants for a cordier as well and they clean up and piss somebody farts I can fall out with somebody for doing that do you know what I mean for the people to do that and actually get up every morning if they're normal or they are real super the soup and they don't get paid they're tired I've seen when they're tired 12 ever chefs 18 ever chefs of lifting people that are like two, three times as high and this is women in their fifties and sixties there you go and I believe they do it because something may happen in their life or they just really care because you can't do that job for that money and same with teachers I don't teachers are more than the teacher in schools most schools are visited they're mentors man do you know what it is when I look back now I wish I learnt more at school because I'm not saying I would have been brainier but if I just listened instead of talk all the time you think you're not different at that age you think you know it all my dad used to say just listen stop talking stop talking you'll get the answers listen to who you when you're with someone or a teacher telling you something all the answers just listen I wish I did it how was your heart when you started putting on weight was it doing a test or that no I was saying your lesson he was always saying shut together get it together Darren sort it out sort it out and he's like I said he was like a boxer on the face so when he said that he's done about what age even now he would say my name a certain way cool because didn't they respect him they're the only ones that they are going to shut that's the fun listen let me tell you something now all these associates 60, 70 people 80 people didn't see you after three days of my hospital man I still ain't seen people now so all the people I didn't think were going to be there they're there so reverse role so all the people that I fought with the heroes and the bad boys and this that the other no they disappeared they got me their life they went out clubbing they lived their life they went home to their families you know who's to pick up the PCs the people that I used to run from my mum my dad my brother everyone else that's what it is and I think it's crazy to think that the people that you think are going to be there they're not there for you man what do you think your people and gangs just know I think get out of it man like don't ever be afraid just take a right turn and be like I'm not doing it no more and get out the gang and if you can't just please tell someone man because what you're going to realise is a witness that so many people get done with joint enterprise and let's say there's five people involved sometimes the other three or four they're not really involved they're just there but they're going to go down for this simple word called I'm not snitching and you've got to think man it's going to affect your family not only that a lot of these talents you know how much kids even women are picking up knives now like do you know how much talent there is and I feel that there's so much talent the outlets they have we never had they got Instagram that is a Tiktok Tiktok or Snapchat Snapchat Facebook Twitter and then you've got the young Asian boy I've got to refer to him because his parents are buying in toys he's worth seven mill for opening a toy and explaining what it felt like in his hand so there's so much positive outlets and opportunities for these kids to go further and so much clubs for football and the girls the horse riding and the makeup artists and even girls well Arsenal girls play better than Arsenal football men do you know what I mean so there's so much positive outlets and don't let the internet fool you man don't let social media fool you because half the people in there that floss all these watches and they ain't got that they're not they're going down the jewelry shop getting sponsored to wear a couple watches for the jewelry shop to pick up and say oh look I've got this watch today listen Apple Watch is the best watch I've had a Rolex got it done that the Apple Watch keeps me fit it keeps me going like my steps my steps yeah that's my addiction do you know what I mean and I think don't get caught up with I have to go back to chasing money you know what currency is for me it's love like I said it's love it's an emotion it's an upskill help someone around you and don't always don't be afraid to lend a hand or a conversation or open ear or heart for someone because you never know what they're going through man and no matter how much money I get if I get two, three million pounds now if you say to me Darren you know what I've got this much here it's not going to make me happy man you're also going to make me happy you teach me a skill or helping me get further in something that I'm passionate about because money comes and goes but if you want to flow of money it always comes so you've got to change your narrative around the currency and currency for me like I said is just being there at an event or being around someone that's their energy that's more than any money you can buy and with that I'm not saying money can't buy things but I'm saying that money's going to come and go yeah our upskill will get you further or love or an emotion that a lot of people like love and they're scared to say it's sad man how much people commit suicide but especially men because they can't just speak up and say to their partner I haven't got the money so rather commit suicide or my mum or their mum or dad I can't do this no more because I'm not doing this no more but please man just talk to someone man when you were trying to kill yourself in the hospital what was going through your mind five minutes, ten minutes before and that I'm making it better for everyone around me I'm not a burden yeah it's sad to think that isn't it but you don't really it doesn't really take away your pain what it does is pass it on there you go so then that comes back to how much more trauma I'm about to put on my loved ones again how much heart I feel heartache can they take they blame themselves maybe there you go and it's nothing to do then and I appreciate every person that has been there through my journey even the ones that fell off because you made my journey and I don't ever regret that assuming beings but we're just ungrateful yeah it's you really appreciate life more when you're at death store yeah when you fuck all you live for listen when you've got nothing yeah that's when your come up comes but yeah we've all got the currency to change the world to make great strides to a better life a happier life a more successful life but some people don't realise that your prime example that until you were actually short, paralysed shitting everywhere there you go that you never realised how good your life was I didn't realise getting up and going to the top of the cupboard in the hospital and getting a pair of socks was privileged man I've realised sitting in a wheelchair and not moving and oh man I remember my feet not moving and I remember they said to me when you go to sleep at night send a message to you down and I was like how do you send a message down to something that's not working but it works it really does work and you've got to remember no matter what dark place you're at and when you're going through something man I'm a man like I said it's by faith and even though I can't feel it sometimes and I know God's got me but my God's going to be different from other people's God's or how they think of it but I know he's got me man and like I said it's just the people my biggest thing is be around people's circles and whatever you're feeding whatever you feed yourself is in food wise make sure you're feeding the food the fruits in your head as well mentally as well because they're the ones that count man be cautious of what you're doing and don't always say yes to people you're allowed to say yes to people it's not a pressure I've learnt the hard way of saying no it hurts to say no I like saying yes so if you say yeah can I walk four times yeah I'm there can I come in yes I'm coming now I outrun I burn myself out it's because I feel that I want to help so much people because I see so much people that if you just tweak it for them or help them just that little thing they'll be on the right path and that's come from just having that heart man what's your daily routine like now it's my daily routine so I get up in the morning pray for 20 minutes meditate for about 10 then I'll go down and use I'll go I'm always in the gym so every day it's like a 900 Monday to Friday 900 to 700 calorie 700, 900 calorie burn eat well I don't eat meat because I've watched that fridge for farms and I've been aware of what I eat because the hormones it goes into your body what the health and stuff and I watch that and I end up vegetarian for two years yes I'm pescetarian six years I did that documentary last year each I can now but I'll go plant based next year I just feel as if I should be doing it I just feel as if it's laziness it gives you a healthy uplift there's something we've been just making excuses that because it's hard to cook excuses it's not hard it's just it's easier just to go across the road and get shit that's all it is I just I believe I will go plant based I think it will take me to another level mentally 101 million open new doors for you so you're eating good then eating good and being around what were you know so so I'm on so I'm in between so Monday to Friday is straight veg like veg pack with either tuna mixed in it vegan sausages which is shroom sausages and they do like a tea car sausages that tea car slices so that's Monday to Friday cheat day is Saturday or Sunday will be a pizza tie or something like that but obviously pescetarian so it'll be fish and just spending time spending time my loved ones and touching myself to the happy people around me like that bring me like power like I feel like you bring me some energy yeah that's what it is are you smoking are we doing anything through your dark days no no no no weed I tried CBD oil how was that for your anxiety was it horrible yeah I don't know I don't know now anything externally I don't believe to try and cut out I don't take coffee I don't do anything that stimulates my mind someone told me about Reiki yeah I do Reiki it's healing energy yeah so they say it's like energy everything's your chakras as well everything's energy yeah okay yeah so when you become if you're eating shit drinking taking drugs if you're doing bad shit everybody's got an aura sort of like pokes holes and it's already negative but you come in everything's pure energy yeah so I've been having acupuncture I've never tried it we've been sort of against it why am I going to play acupuncture I can't feel my legs properly but my legs are hurting internally I've been doing acupuncture and it's been burning it calls it birthday cake it burns something on top of the needle and it's been helping and like I said just touching myself to my loved ones and good people that I met Murray you wouldn't even believe Murray I've met Prahal Prahal shout out to Murray thank you for finding the podcast some more stars as well yeah yeah just being like the right energy and the right people have been coming around and I think when you got that pastor said something to me in church many times in a row and the last time he said it to me just before lockdown it's the most powerful message for me he said some of you and some person in this church today is holding a door open while this other door is ready for them but the more you're holding this door open not closing it thinking that your old routine is going to work for you you're wrong till you shut that door this door will not fully be open and I went home with that message and I thought I'm clearing out the place within my mind I cleared it out I stopped talking to a lot of people in contacts no livin' a week I've fought a message for me and through God and that door's just been open continuously yeah you must cut out that poison listen to your phone calls are they enhancing your life are you feeling better if they're not you must grow the strength and say no I need to come back people will hate on you they will talk shit about you but then whether it were really your friends whether it were really your supporters of course they weren't but people do get annoyed when you come back and take a step back because I feel as if you forgot yourself while you're doing that you think you're better than me it's not I just want change and to create change you must do things differently you have to and you have to have a creative change and a creative focus do you know what I mean I've met a lot of people via this is why you've got to use your social media properly it's your brand it's your social media you control it so someone's trolling you block them someone's being rude to you block them you don't have to give them that energy when you unplug they don't like you when you interact you're going around in circles and the thing is with social media for me I just want to buy my videos and by the way what is your social media for people to tune in just now literally just AWOL underscore motivation is literally just to give you upliftment and give you courage to say whatever you're doing there's a process to it keep doing it because when you're through that process you're going to look back and be like it's worth it and just don't stop man like keep going what does AWOL mean the second name AWOL so it's a way of life motivation but obviously my surname is Owelsie so I've just shortened the AWOL out of my name and put it in to think because it is a way of life and I remember my dad gave me a record bag ages ago and it said AWOL do you remember the old record bag I remember the old record bag I used to wear it to school yeah so you know yeah so that's where I got it from ever since you know like I just see it I just see it everywhere like I see AWOL I see a lot of numbers as well I see it's weird I see a lot of 3's 7's everywhere I go like I always see a 7 or a 3 but that's signs from people say angels you're protected I'm protected we're on a path 100% I'm taking things to fucking new heights what you've done is amazing yeah thank you that is powerful man and I've seen a lot of your work and it's consistent man and it's consistency every single time you level up all the time that's all you've got to keep doing and always say it if you think you've made it you've only took two steps back a question though there was a time I was craving the attention of it but now you realise it's bullshit the money the materialistic things always promote it it is bullshit don't get me wrong it's nice to have luxury if you've worked hard but I appreciate it I do genuinely appreciate it I drive about in a £300 Mazda for two years I actually broke down a few weeks ago driving back from Manchester so coming up in the motorway just went Friday night we were driving back from Manchester me and Nick broke down one picked it up I said just crush it and that was that got a new motor a couple of days ago a bit of luxury but you know what I fucking earned it I've worked my ass off but it is all bullshit I just want the finer things in life everything we've found have a happy medium I ain't a saint I don't promote I was fucking golden child I still fuck up I still get angry I still feel like kicking fuck out of people I don't matter how much I meditate I'll drive and I'll fucking kill that cunt and I don't know why I do it and I think you're doing that fuck again James my man can go on wandering for five to ten minutes listen just like that just like that one hurdle can send it into that one hiccup and you're there same with me but you know what I mean it's just like like you said it's about when you're taking that dip how to handle it you can admit I'll take a dip that today I was in a rush and me I'm a man that wants to get here do this do that do that the universe puts it in place it will happen at the right time yeah 100% so looking back in all your life looking back at the night you were shot do you forgive the person who shot you yeah 100% how hard was that for you hard because I said the new not the new me but the three years ago me I probably would have just whisked bad stuff now but I only wish is bad upon yourself there you go it's a reflection of what you take yeah that releases the poison inside you that pain holding on to that resentment what if this and playing it over over and over that only kills you not the person who done it never does karma always wins in the end always and the worst is even though calm always wins I don't wish calm on you man yeah I wish you happiness I turn my back on it you know why because I've hit your face on and if every problem that I get now instead of going around the problem like we all do as humans I face it head on the person who done that could potentially be watching right now what would you say to him thank you just make sure next time when you do something that you're not doing it don't do what you did to me in it think first before you pick up a gun or a knife or you think you're going to endanger someone's life it's not just my man it's my family and my loved ones and everything can't do the actions and the anxiety because it's not just the physical pain it's the mental pain the mental pain is going to kill you nearly my mental pain nearly took imagine that I took the physical pain but mentally it was killing me so I would I would just think first man and is it worth it no it would never worth it man and it kills your dad kills your mom kills your son there you go and so on they feel pain my aunties my uncles the few friends I do have and you know what it is it's only going to come back to you but like I said don't wish it but listen just think first man anyone that thinks picking up a knife or guns cool or brandishing it or rolling around with it you're scared if you can't physically I'm not saying fight but if you physically cannot have a one on one with someone you shouldn't be having these fights but you're not a man if you can't yeah you're a pussy that's as simple as that and I know plenty of friends and bad men who've done that shit and I'll tell them they are pussies you're fucking weak listen if I can have a fair fight if you beat me up you're a man I shake your hand if you pick up a weapon you're a pussy that's the truth so going through all your life first of all it's amazing what you're doing achieving losing the weight kicking on we don't stop man yeah so looking back at it obviously it brings back a lot of emotions but going forward for the future with yourself what's the plans for Darren so the plans is well I've got a live coaching website and company that started I've also got a podcast that's going to be a taxi talk so I've got a London taxi wrapped it in bright blue it's called the hashtag taxi talk no hold on yeah hashtag taxi talk so basically yeah we're going to go around whole conversations in it and then you're going to come in I'll be there brother I'll be there we'll leave all the links the description and stuff so how are you feeling brother talking about all this madness I feel like I always feel like I waited for myself but for this time I feel like the weight's off my shoulder because I've never gone into deep depths and show people some people have told them about it because I just want them to know that you know when they're around you and they might be doing certain things I've shown them the realness I've shown them what I went through just as an example I'll be the example of what can happen so just take take the turn and forget about it don't like turn it off a cheek but for me like I feel better now man I feel that I need this to do and this was the right time weight off your shoulder 100% how's your dad see you know that bully you know what I think I think as a dad you bully still my little boy like how I see my brother he's my little brother is he proud of you now yeah I hope to be he's proud of me he's proud of me he's proud of me he's because he says to me not a man who shows his emotions much he keeps it close to his heart but I know he loves me definitely not my mom loves me too I think my mom my mom yeah definitely like I said like my partner her family so that was a partner before you got shot as well this is the partner after so this person you still know wheelchair and stuff yeah with me through my through me falling over me going through depression for me being in the house you name it having to help me urinate yeah that's a lot for someone she got me after the injury so I've known her since I was 16 and now I've been with her six years so yeah and that's it and then I've got to say I've been with her as well and her family's been so supportive and I've grown I've always been very close to her but we're very close like we're so close now it's unruly and they're powerful people around me you're born stronger with the ones who are there when you're in need of them the most there you go and that's what it is yeah so you've got any pleasant stuff now yeah I've been doing so I've been free prison visits and secure visits I've been mentoring four kids in Alisbury they're with social service as well so that's I've been doing that for a year and on top of that I've been doing I've done a few schools in London I've done about 120 schools and yeah just showing them the rawness that just don't get caught up man you're not called to be in a gang a gang for me is arsenal even though I had a crap team but that has to be true but that's a gang for me that's a nice gang and getting in a gang doesn't make you strong man it means you've got probably a group of like four or five people that are weak and one's leading it because he knows you're vulnerable what is it? there's four or five people running England yeah that's what it is the sad thing is in one of my mentoring things is these I don't rate anyone that does is that you've got these guys going they call it county lines you're getting a young 10 year olds you're buying them trainers you're giving them 50 pound to plug king of the garden eggs up their arse my friend you're being raped that's rape that's not cool man you can't kids at the age of 10 are going up to wows in these countries they're called county lines plugging dirt drugs to drop up for the older people that's not cool man that's going to be that's someone's child and if that splits into their anus stream their bloodstream is going to go into anus and they're going to potentially die think about it and just because they're giving you 50 pound a pair of trainers use your brain you're being brought they own you so for the minute you pick up that trainer or that money they own you that's the sad thing about it man for anybody watching that's maybe going through the struggle maybe it's talking a wheelchair or going through a depression or maybe involved in a gang what advice would you give for them mate just mate if you're in a wheelchair and you're at that point whatever your life looks like just remember your darkest days can be your brightest and don't need to stop and if you're involved in a gang like I said don't do it man ladies girls and boys or men and women just stop and think man because you're going to be have repercussions just because you do something and get away with it today don't mean it won't come back and bite you people don't forget that's it and I just think that you need to have an open mind of what you're doing to someone else's sibling man thank you man coming on a day brother and telling your story proud dog yes what you're doing making changes I know she's trying to sneeze just let it out don't worry about that just it's phenomenal no thank you the things that you've done pushing forward for a wheelchair and in the hospital try to kill yourself to now go to gyms going round schools going round prisons changing lives fair play and I look forward to seeing the rest of you thank you again thank you so much take care check out more of my podcasts on the right to like, share and comment your thoughts on this week's podcast thank you