 So why does it seem like men use women at a very high rate? And today we're going to talk about five possible reasons. And I think before we jump into this, we have to kind of address what does it mean to be used? What does it mean to be used? The way I view it is if someone's capabilities, their willingness, their intentions actually are in contrast to their actions, okay? But there's a big difference between actually being used and feeling used. And I think today's conversation is going to help kind of ferret this out a little bit because a lot of people, particularly women, feel as though they've been used by men. And oftentimes this implies actually victim consciousness. Now, I'm not saying this is an absolute and I'm not suggesting there aren't people out there who have actually been used by someone. But were they used in a nefarious way or was it a byproduct of what I'm going to talk about today? Now, I'm just going to share with you a post I had on Facebook, or excuse me, on Instagram and Facebook. By the way, there's a link below to follow me on Instagram. Have you ever spoken to someone who couldn't shut up about being hurt or being used in a previous relationship? Well, I can appreciate that everyone has a way of processing the ending of a treasured relationship. One is better served in taking ownership of their part, even if it's only 3%. Because otherwise it comes off as playing the victim card. Ideally, if one has experienced a painful relationship, especially if they gave their power away to another person, to another person seeking a trained counselor to process is far healthier than taking to social media or to some new love interest to talk about one's grievances. In fact, TikTok is riddled with humans complaining about the littlest of indiscretions in the dating landscape, which to me is a sign of an unevolved person seeking attention. Taking ownership in one's role in any relationship from an empowered place is the path to healing. And when that ownership is all that's really discussed in any future relationship, that's when I think you should begin dating. Now, I said a lot there. Oh, by the way, the meme that goes along with it says, victim consciousness says they used me while Victor consciousness says they were part of my journey. Okay. Why this is so critically important talking about this concept of being used is when you're coming at it from a place this other person used me, then in that moment, I believe you're in victim conscious. Now, that's not to say that many of you have experienced abusive relationships. I recognize that. But my opinion has always been and tell me if you agree or disagree with this. If you don't have to call a doctor, an attorney or a policeman, if you don't have to call a doctor, attorney or policeman, you have a part to play in this relationship. By the way, I got that from Dr. Pat Allen. Okay. Doctor, attorney or policeman. But I think it's challenging because oftentimes we feel used for the littlest of things that let me give you an example. You had a man come on strong. He loved bomb you. He basically professed his love. He said, you are unlike any other. You are the unicorn. I want you to know you barely knew this man and you slept with him. And then shortly after physically being intimate with him, he has an excuse that says I'm not ready for a relationship. This is one of the most common things that happen in the realm of feeling used. Okay. But we have to look at that. Maybe the person is just full of shit. He wants a relationship, but you're just not the one. And he's not willing to tell you you're not the one. Okay. And then there are other men that, you know, what was I said for this true for some, but the excuse they believe, but I think the challenge is for some men, they're not ready for a relationship. And the problem is they believe that the next person they meet will tip the balance in their scale, in the scales of wanting a relationship. And this is the dilemma we face in our dating marketplace. And I'm going to address this in our very first conversation in one of the five possible reasons because here's the rough. What's the definition of a relationship? You see context means everything. Context means everything. And the dilemma I see it is for a variety of reasons. I think this is one of our biggest issues is that the conversation around relationship or, or what there's what they desire in a relationship. There's little or no context. Okay. So the first reason possible reason is there's no shared context. There's no shared context. What I mean is the word relationship or commitment might mean different things to different people. So for example, you might say, you might be thinking, I want a relationship. And he goes, Oh, I want a relationship too. Okay. Now you're thinking, well, I'd like to spend two, three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That might be the context of the word relationship to you. Now I don't mean this after the first, second or third date, but the minute two people are physically intimate with someone. The only way you're going to build something of value is to spend a significant time together. So your context might be here. His context might be here. Oh, relationship. Oh, what it means to me is, Oh, I see you at my beck and call when I feel like seeing you. That might be his verbiage for relationship. And yours is here and his is here. By the way, everything I'm sharing today goes both ways. Women use men. Men use women. Let me be clear for any men that are watching right now. This goes both ways. But there's a lot that the challenge today why people feel used is because oftentimes they find themselves in either a casual relationship, a situation ship, a friends with benefits, but they don't really know about it or they're just hooking up. I think these, these are the predominant relationships that are in our current dating environment. Most everybody is in a casual relationship that isn't, you know, like where there's a couple, but they're not married. Now, if you're living together, that's pretty darn close. Okay. But for every couple, and I want you to think about this right now. If you are in a relationship with a man and you don't live together, you're not married. If it's, it's still casual. There is an easy exit clause. There is no firm commitment. There is no commitment upfront in front of witnesses. There is no commitment in front of witnesses. And I think the reason why casual relationships now outnumber serious relationships where people are either moving in together or getting married is because divorce causes a lot of people to become become gun shy. I think a significant, by the way, since my audience is midlife, which I say is after baby making years and before retirement, the significant percentage of people are divorced. And I think divorce in and of itself causes men and women to become gun shy. The second most common reason for casual relationships are lifestyle differences. That's right. Lifestyle differences. In other words, their lives aren't easily blendable with one another. Maybe they live 30 miles apart. Maybe, and they have fully curated lives where they live. That can be a challenge. Maybe one person is still raising children. The other person is semi-retired. I mean, I'm just using a couple of various examples. But lifestyle compatibility is one of the most common reasons why casual relationships are the norm. And the reason why we find casual relationships is because most people, men and women alike, want companionship. They want connection. They want sex, but they're not really fully capable of committing to one another to blend their lives together. And hence why casual is the predominant relationship. And when you're in it, like I said earlier, when a casual relationship, you can leave exit whenever you want. You can literally get into a fight one day and it could be simply over. And you might be thinking you got used because you have all this investment in this person that didn't go anywhere. Now, I just want to say this about, I want you to really look back at any time you thought you were used in a relationship. You had been used by a person. Was this really a relationship you were happy with? You know, it fascinates me. Happy couples, people were, okay, happy couples look like this. Okay. This is the only way. Okay. This is the predominant definition of a happy couple, according to Jonathan Asley. This is the definition of a happy couple where each person feels like they got the better end of the deal. I'm going to repeat that where each person feels like they got the better end of the deal. In other words, each person puts each other up on some level of pedestal of gratitude. Do you know happy couples? They don't break up. It's only unhappy couples that break up. It's rare to me that a woman who says that they're used was actually in a happy relationship or any significant relationship. It might have been a short lived experience and you might have felt used, but that's because you went into it with a lack of consciousness, which we're going to talk about in a minute. Number two, a man or woman's desires to connect, desire to connect outweighs their true capabilities, capacity, and willingness to commit. Let me repeat that. A man's or woman's desire to connect outweighs their capabilities, their capacity, or willingness to commit. In other words, they want closeness. They want connection. They want companionship. They want sex, but their capacity, their willingness, their capabilities of commitment is so darn weak that the minute the relationship has any emotional responsibility, they run from the relationship. And the other person who is capable of committing, who is willing to commit, feels as though they got used. Now, did they really get used? I don't know if they got used. I just think, by the way, part of human pair bonding, part of human mating is like the probationary period at a job. The problem is in our case, we don't allow it to be 90 days. We can allow it to be nine years of a probationary period. That's why until two people get married, it's all, until two people get married, every relationship is in a probationary period. Well, okay. Those who get lived together is at least a step in the right direction. But I'm saying every relationship before marriage is in probation for the most part, unless you have really defined, really have had serious conversation defining the relationship. So their desires for connection outweighs their capabilities. And oftentimes that's reason why possible reason why a man might exit or a woman might exit the relationship. Number three, misalignment or ambivalence. Okay. Misalignment or ambivalence. The reason why I put these two together is because men and women alike are basically hooking up into a relationship and that they're either misaligned or they're completely unconscious to truly interviewing someone. I'm here to say a lack of proper vetting and interviewing someone of true capabilities of compatibility is one of the primary reasons people feel used. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, by the way, please forgive the glare. Okay. Most of us adopted a belief that attraction or chemistry is the indicator of relationship success. Relationship success is based on shared values, a shared vision, blendable lifestyles like I talked about earlier, and emotional maturity in relationship skills, which is below the surface. But if all you spent all your time in relationship here and you really didn't vet for compatibility, did you actually get used if you were ambivalent and misaligned with this person? No, the whole process of dating is a test drive. By the way, I wouldn't even think about this. The whole process of dating is a test drive. The whole process of a relationship is a test drive. Until two people get married, they're literally, they can exit and leave whenever they want. There's no real consequence other than if you live together, you've got to hire a mover and move out. Here in California, I do believe there's a, I think it's called the Lee Marvin law where if you're with someone for 10 years, you might be responsible from a financial perspective for someone. But the reality is when two people are misaligned and ambivalent in the process of dating and they didn't do a proper vetting to determine compatibility, you got to take ownership. It's my fault I didn't properly vet this person. It's not their fault. It's my fault. All right. Number four, an unhealed or broken man or woman is in delusion about being a quality partner. An unhealed or broken man or woman is in the delusion of being a quality partner. They are either arrogant or ignorant. Folks, I've been saying this for a significant percentage of time. We are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. This is my emotional maturity relationship charts. This is not a fact merely an opinion. I believe 20% of the population has clinical issues, real, weak relationship skills, emotional maturity at almost a clinical level. And while I say 20% is healthy, I'm being ridiculously generous. I'm not even sure healthy really exists, but I think there's as close as you can get, but I give it a 20% category because this is part of the 80-20 rule. Most everyone is dysfunctional, myself included. I've got issues. I am not a perfectly healed person. But when we have truly unhealed and emotionally wounded people who believe that they're emotionally healthy, for either ignorance or arrogance, it's no wonder a person might feel used. If someone's not capable of being in a relationship or being fully capable of commitment, but they want companionship, connection, and sex, it's incumbent upon us to vet this person as thoroughly as we possibly can before we give our heart to someone, otherwise we will feel used. And I'm just drawing attention to that. And the fifth possible reason, and I'm sure there's more than five, but this is just my perception in this conversation, is that there are just a lot of people who do use people. I'm sorry. They are often self-centric people and they believe, okay, so there is a group of self-centric people who believe that they give so much to others. And yet in relationship, they're actually rather self-centric, narcissistic, self-absorbed. They only think about their own needs. We have a significant percentage of, that's that clinical category I'm talking about. They're in a delusion, they're both in a delusion that they're healthy, but worse, they think because they give to other people that makes them a good person in relationship. Very few, by the way, in a lot of relationships, people are rather selfish. It's about their own's needs being met. It's rare that we see those couples I talked about where they feel like I got the better end of the deal. In other words, it's rare that we see two givers with one another. I'm not saying it isn't out there. It just appears to be rare because we see so much emotional turmoil in the dating, mating and relating marketplace. And I'm saddened to even share this because I feel like a pessimist. A lot of us dating and relationship coaches out there, we are helping you avoid the wrong person, but how many of us are really teaching you how to weed out and find that right person? We're good at telling you what not to accept, but there is no magic bullet. There is no one little bit of advice that's going to make it so that you meet the perfect person. I mean, that's like the genie in the bottle wishing for it. Now, the best way I approach it is to become a healthy, sovereign human being which starts with self-love. And if you haven't read my book, What That Can Self-Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work, there's a link below to get a copy of my book. It starts by being in your sovereignty and doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So whether you achieve a relationship or not, you show up as the best possible person. And we become more of a magnetic attractor to those people. We recognize the wrong people much quicker when we're truly aligned to our sovereignty. We're truly aligned to our sovereignty. And while I'm not in love with the entire aspect of this book, there are aspects of the book why men love bitches. And by the way, the bitch stands for babe in total control of herself. Yes. There are a lot of empowerment concepts in this book. I don't love everything about it, but there's a lot of empowerment. Probably one of the best empowerment books out there. The problem is there's some game playing in it too. That's why that book coupled with, okay, these two books read them side by side. Why men love bitches and then incorporate everything in the Buddha data. Okay. I want you to incorporate everything from this book because that will put you in a state of being a magnetic attractor. So you don't have to burn down the haystack. You become electromagnet to attract the kind of relationship you see. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. And I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And by the way, if you want to talk to me, schedule a discovery call with me. There's a link below in the show notes in the first comment as well. If you'd like to connect with me, if you'd like to join my group called Midlife Love Master, if you want to follow me on Instagram, if you want to get my dating vows, it's all listed below. All right, folks, we are live. So if you have a question for me in the chat box, write the word question, then post the question thereafter. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with his brother, Colin. He's my son who passed away over five years ago. And it is honor. We donate to causes like the Hoffman process and Insight Institute, just to name a few. And also scholarships to coaching. All right, so let's get our goal is $50 tonight. We'd love to get some love. Also, if you want to join the hot seat, hit the link that I just posted as well. Melissa says, in relationship, you have to use each other. Using each other isn't necessarily a bad thing if it's a give and take. Make sure you're taking what you want. Do you want sex or money? You can't have both. See, that's a Pat Allen conversation. Are you here to get paid or here to get laid? I'm not a big proponent of that one. But there's some elements in our instinctual biology that to some degree, men earn resources so they can buy sex from a partner to some degree. There's an exchange going on. I just don't think that works in our current society, Melissa. That's just, I mean, when I say it doesn't work, I think it can certainly work in the short run, short run being 10 or 20 years. But I wonder really in the long run, in my perspective, it's about being in partnership with one another. And yes, there is a mutual exchange going on, but it's important to establish what that is sooner rather than later in my book. So that's just my two cents on that one. All right. Oh, we've got someone in the house, Sue Ann. Let's put you on here. Hello. Hi. Hi. I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma right now, where I'm from, but I live in Mexico, actually. And I've been following you since I moved to Mexico, actually. OK. So are you in Mexico, the country, or New Mexico? Huh? Now, I live in Puerto Morelos. I'm currently in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where I'm from, visiting. And I've been following you since a long time now. So what's up? Well, I'm honored. So what's your question? Is there a delay? Just a tiny bit of a delay. Well, my question isn't a phone. First of all, I wanted to do a super sticker, and I can't figure out how to do it on my phone. So maybe afterwards you can show me how to do that. I don't know how to do it either. I'm sorry. Sorry about losing your sign. Oh, thank you. I'll figure out a way somehow. My question is, I've been doing online dating when people were afraid of, they thought it was scary. They thought I was crazy. I'm 58 years old. And being single in Tulsa, Oklahoma is, being single is equally as bad. But my question is, you had interviewed somebody recently regarding online dating. You had said that a lot of people are starting to wait from the online dating. Do you remember that interview? You were speaking with the man? Yeah. I was actually speaking to a gentleman, Thomas. Oh, God. I can't think of his last name right at the moment, but Thomas just escapes me at the moment. We were talking about that we've noticed that online dating apps are seeing a reduction in the amount of people in it. So there is a shift because the online dating app world is laying off a lot of people. So I want to attack this conversation when I say attack address. Let me put it this way. Attacks and so violence. So the reality is for those of us in midlife, Suann, is that we are not on a daily basis surrounded by single eligible people. We're just not. Unlike when we were teenagers, probably everybody was single, right? Like when you were 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, and you were surrounded by single eligible people. And when you think back 1,000 years ago, most people made it at age 14, 15 or 16. So from an instinctual perspective, we had a built-in supply of people within the tribe we lived in. Fast forward to today, particularly those of us in midlife. We are just not surrounded by single eligible people. And so then we believe that, oh, online dating apps, great. We have access to all these people. Well, it's kind of a false sense of choice because the reality is from what I understand, women only swipe right or engage with about 4% of the population of men, whereas men swipe 60% of the time. Women are incredibly selective. I mean, yeah, we could say picky could be another word too, or we could say selective. So what happens is when that woman is swiping right, she's usually swiping right on that top 10 or 15% of men who have access to all the women. In other words, the ones who get the most women are the ones that are get swiped on the most. And then there's 96% of men that don't get any swipes whatsoever. So reason why it feels frustrating is the men you're swiping that are swiping on you, you're not interested in, and the men that you are interested in, they've got just a bevy of people to choose from. So then all of a sudden what we find is, we find what's known as a paradox of choice. In fact, Sherry Fleming just put that on the screen, paradox of choice. In other words, we have this false sense of belief that we have choices out there based on this perceived abundance through the dating app. There's a perceived abundance, okay? So, and then where it gets frustrating is because people are hiding behind a screen, and when I use the word hiding, that's a, again, that's almost sounds like a victim consciousness, but because they are behind a screen, you can engage with somebody and they can easily disengage just as quickly as they engage. I had a woman recently, she wrote me on the dating app. She made, she complimented me. She wrote some nice things. I wrote her back within an hour of receiving the message. That was two weeks ago and I haven't heard from her and she reached out to me. So I'm just sharing with you and when you have enough of these on, off, start, stops going nowhere, it can wear on us emotionally. And then people then blame the dating apps or blame society or blame the location there. And it's always blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, which kind of comes back to the conversation I had before. So then the question is, well, what do we do with all this information? Well, first and foremost, I highly recommend a woman put together a quality dating profile with quality pictures. Sue Ann, I can tell you, I look at hundreds, if not thousands of profiles per week on a professional level. And I will say of the women's profiles, 990 out of a thousand are just crappy. They're mediocre. They're very poorly done. 98%, 99% are poorly done. And yet everybody is in the delusion that they actually have a good profile because women are getting swiped 60% of the time. So they have this false sense that they actually have a good profile. Men swipe 60% of the time because now here's two reasons why. Men aren't, how shall I say this? Their threshold for sex is much lower than their threshold for commitment. And I'm guilty of what I'm about to say. It's kind of like that Harry Met Sally comment. He goes, men and women can't, Sally says, why can't men and women be friends? He says, well, because we want to sleep with them. And she goes, what about the unattractive one? And he goes, yeah, we want to sleep with those two. Our threshold for sex is low. Who will commit to is ridiculously high. And I'm guilty of what I'm about to say. It's kind of like that Harry Met Sally comment. He goes, men and women can't, I'm guilty of what I'm about to say. And we never get to that point because we don't value the other person enough because we human beings are incredibly self-centric. Where was I going down this path? I got, I lost my second reason why, you know, I go down these rabbit hole conversations and rants and sometimes I lose my train of thought. So again, putting together a quality. I think you should start dating out. See, everybody says I should start a dating app. If someone wants to give me a million dollars to create the programming, but it's, see, it doesn't matter. The problem, the dating apps are perfect. It's human beings are the problem. The problem is not the dating apps. The problem is human beings. They're the problem. It's not the app. Now, if I was going to create an app, I'd only accept people for me personally. Right. Go ahead. Me personally. Go ahead. What I find, right, what I found is that I don't find that quality person. I've been doing, I haven't been on, for the last year, I've been doing a lot of self-development work. The growing, a lot of learning, especially living in another country, your eyes are open quite wide. And something you said a long time ago about the Hoffman process, you're back to some kind of function and you were talking about the demographic of the men and all of that. And one of the thought of when I saw that show was, you know, you have some type of reunion because everybody there knows they are people at least trying to heal themselves and be better people. Those are the kind of people that I want to meet. You just said yourself, you know, I'm not totally healed. I'm not totally healed. But, you know, at least... Well, then, okay, so... I'm doing self-development work and we're like... Let me jump in. Let me jump in. So, are you going to personal development... Are you going to personal development workshops on a weekly basis? Are you joining Zoom meetings with personal development workshops on a weekly basis? Are you going to self-help workshops? Are you going to spiritual workshops? Are you on a weekly basis putting yourself in front of people that you just described or are you just hoping that you'll find that one out of every thousand that's on the dating apps that's done the personal development work? And then you're having to bet on you're attracted to them and then, most importantly, are they even attracted to you? If you want to put yourself in... If you want to change your narrative, then I invite you to put yourself in the environment of where you can meet those kind of people. Right. And that's what I've been doing. I haven't even really been looking the last year. I know I need to work on myself first. And where I've been. And yes, being in... Yeah, but you just contradicted yourself. There's a very conscious community. Okay, but you just contradicted yourself. Okay? There's no quality people out there. And then, but you said, I know I need to work on myself. So how can you judge someone else as being quality if you have to own your own lack of being... I'm just putting that out there. Now, mind you, I do want to say we are all on a journey of feeling. No, I understand what you're going. We are all on a journey of feeling. Right. But you see, the minute we judge someone else as quality... Well, first off, hear me out. Hear me out. We're all healing. We're talking... There's no quality people out there. That is an inherent negative comment. I just want to key in on this. Instead of saying there's no quality people out there, I want you to invite in. I have yet to meet my person. There's a big difference between the two. When you say there's no quality people out there, you're basically telling the universe, I only see people that I am not aligned with. You are literally through your law, your words are projecting exactly what you're going to experience. You're saying, hey, you know what? I just haven't met my person yet. Because that's really what's happened. But the minute you judge an entire population, I'm just giving you some context to consider. Hey, Sue Ann. We haven't had a lot of questions come in so far. And the reception here is a bit sketchy. Can I send you off with the big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug? He hugs to you. So, you know, I really appreciate Sue Ann jumping on. It was a little disappointing that the connection wasn't as good as we'd hoped. But here's my concern, folks. The dating apps are perfect. Human beings are the problem. They put, okay, I've said this repeatedly on video after video after video. I talk about how so few people put together men. Men swipe 60% of the time. So a lot of women feel like they're getting attention, but they're swiping on so few men. And because they're swiping on so few men, they're missing out on possibly 96% of men out there that could be a good fit for them. Number two, when our judgments about the dating apps or the people out there comes from a place of negativity, instead of Sue Ann, I just haven't met my person yet. That's it, okay? And she also owned that she has work to do. Yes, we are all a work in progress. We are all on a process of healing. My invitation for everyone, by the way, I'm doing a, you know, I'm inviting everyone to organically go out to places so you can meet people in the personal development, self-help and spiritual world, and maybe ask if that's what happens for you. Is this syncing in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please hit that like button. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear all your thoughts, okay? All right. Let's keep going. Let's go back. I saw some questions. By the way, I want to give props to Sherry for the $10 Super Sticker. That's a hell no to dating apps I've been on them. I'm still a big fan of props. I look at it as every spoke in the wheel. I want to give Margaret some props for the $8 Super Sticker. That means we're only $32 away from our goal. Thank you so much. All right. Let's see what kind of questions we have here. Gina has a question. Hi, Jonathan. When I question my ex about the future because he was flaky, he said he was going to ask you this question. I'm going to ask you this question, Gina. Were you really happy with this relationship? Was this a relationship that made you happy, or was it just buying time? Because even if him saying that, it probably wasn't. I'm just going to assume it wasn't that great of a relationship to begin with. Just a curious question. I think the reason why we get involved with a person, and we have this sunk cost. In other words, we've invested all this time, and we hope magic fairy dust will change. Jonathan, if I just sit and wait long enough that magic fairy dust will change this relationship. I think human beings are rather delusional in what their expectations are. Maybe two people fell in love, and then they fell in love. Did that person use you at that point? You both are grownups. You both can speak up at any time. Okay. That's just my two cents on that. All right. Tasha is in the house. Tasha says, when you stated that one sign someone is in love with you, and when she accepts something that would scare someone else off, is there a way of telling the person to accept or run? You stated that one sign someone is in love with you is when she accepts something. I don't understand the question, Tasha. I apologize. I'm a little lost on where you were going with that. All right. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question in the house. Jonathan, how do you feel about the dishonesty of apps holding back local matches and giving you far away ones that you ask not to see and other methods of keeping you hooked and paying? Yeah. This is probably one of the listen, the dating apps are not foolproof. Believe me, these dating apps all they care about is money. Okay. I know couples who met on Bumble and got married. I know people who met on eHarmony got married. I know people that met on match.com and got married. I know people that met on Tinder and got married. I know people that met on Hinge and got married. I know people that met on Millionaire match and got married. But I think it's the broken clock, honestly, paltry flowers. Holly's in the house. Is it best to hire a professional photographer for online dating? Okay. Everybody listen and listen up. You all have group on for those of us who live in the United States go to group on. Type in photographer for somewhere between $100 and $200 you can get someone to take some quality photographs of you. Okay. Smiling, laughing, you know, climbing up tree, you know, riding a bicycle. Quality photographs of you. Okay. I recommend hiring someone or if you know someone that has an incredibly great smart phone who knows how to take a good picture the secret to a great profile picture is chuckling. The camera doesn't feel the awkwardness of tackling. I'm going to tell you something. I reviewed a dating profile the other day. This was her smile. That was her smile. Okay. And I'm like, there's no radiance. There's no radiance attracts people. Folks, it's it astounds me the unconsciousness of human beings that put together their dating in a way that men and women alike and it's no wonder we see crap out there. Okay. So that's my invitation for you. All right, Tasha, re-question. He stayed in the broadcast one sign someone is in love with you when they accept something about you that would scare others off. Is there a way to tell if the person is going to accept it or run? You know, you're either going to accept it or run. Now, the question is, when do you tell someone? Okay. So here's a scary one that probably affects 30% of the dating population is that they have herpes roughly 30 a third of the population has herpes. Some have herpes simplex 1 which I think is the coal source and the other one is down in the pee pee or the VV. Okay. So when do you tell someone this? Do you tell them on a first date? Probably not. Do you tell them after sleeping with them? That's kind of fucked. But that's something that could now I will tell you most men don't give a shit. I'm just going to tell you most but then there are those hyper clean guys that will be affected by it. So when do you tell them? I think when you feel as though you need to explore a relationship with someone. That's the time to tell them. Now that's just herpes. What if you have a medical condition? First off, I have high blood pressure. I'm on high blood pressure medicine. When do I need to tell someone that? You know, I mean and my grandfather died of a heart attack at age, you know, mid 50s. So does that mean I'm going to have that happen to me? My father's 98 years old. 88 before she got cancer and died. But those are certainly our medical conditions. What about our financial status? Are where we lie financially? When do you tell a person? I think when you feel safe. But you have to recognize that someone might run from your truth. That's a part of it. So I believe before physical intimacy lay your cards on the table. This is why I continually talk about radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement. Radical honesty means being vulnerable, being authentic, being transparent. Laying your cards on the table, that's sharing your shit. And the rules of engagement, this is the kind of relationship I seek. How does that fit into the kind of relationship you seek? And that would be my invitation on that one. So Tasha, thank you again for that question. I hope you answered that for you. That was a great question. So thank you so much. Uh Gigi wants to go back and talk about professional photographs. I also know a professional also knows how to position a woman, especially those of us who are older for our best look. Chin out, shoulders down, chin out. See how much thinner I look than this way. Look how fat I look. Look how much thinner I look. Look how fat I look. Look how much thinner I look. By the way, a lot of you have pictures like this. No wonder they're not swiping on you. I agree. That's why you want to hire a photographer. By the way, if 100 or 200 bucks from Groupon isn't worth it. But Jonathan, that costs money. The biggest fucking decision you're ever going to make in your life is the person you mate with. And it's amazes me how fucking cheap people are. But ladies, you'll go spend $1,000 on some Manola Blanco shoes, i.e. sex in the city. Carry. And yet you won't spend or make up where you'll spend hundreds of dollars a month on all that shit. But you won't invest in some professional photographs. Look at your makeup table. How much money you've invested there. By the way, guys are just as much jackasses in this equation holding the fish and all that kind of stuff. The self or the picture in front of the Ferrari. Oh, by the way, the latest is did you hear people can pay $250 to have a photograph taken in a mock private jet? Oh my god, everybody I see in jets. Now I'm going to tell you something that's a turn off for me in the dating apps. When I say turn off for me, so there are a lot of women who are jocks, okay. They ski all the time. They're repelling off mountains. They're snowboarding. They're mountain biking. I'm kind of a home body and I'm looking here in California like every chick is a jock. I look at their profile and I get exhausted like I just ran a marathon. But that's because I'm more of an introspective person. I'm more fascinated with the inner world and not to suggest I walk every day about five miles a day on the beach. But I'm just exhausted by how athletic all you women are. It's just exhausting. Anyway, just kidding. By the way, do you have any personal questions to ask me or would anyone like to join the hot seat? I'm open to any personal questions that you may ask me. We've got about another 10 or 15 minutes. I'm trying to find Sherry says, STI discussion, I think it needs to be revealed as soon as possible. I've had men reveal this on a first meeting. I opted out. Yeah, this is a tricky one. You know, when do you share your personal stuff? Sherry says, Jonathan, you'll meet the right woman. Thank you. Ariel says, I agree. I get exhausted with super active men pics. I think jock men need to be with jock women and jock women need to be with jock men. I just think that's where they meet in their physical activity. So Julie wants to say walk on each is nice. Walk on the beach is nice, I guess. Kristen says, I spend money on perfume. They can't smell me through their phones. Better off hiring a photo photographer for your picture. By the way, Sunshine Lombardi why do they call it the hot seat? It's a seat so burning hot LOL. By the way, Sunshine Lombardi was kind enough to make me the sweet t-shirt. The sweet t-shirt. Isn't that sweet? My book, self love. Thank you, Sunshine Lombardi. That was very sweet of you to make that. I really appreciate it. Hey folks, I got a letter in the mail today. Beach Lover might know this person. Renetta wrote me, Dear Jonathan thank you for recommending all the time that to heal ourselves we must read the Hoffman process. By the way, folks, all the books I recommend are listed below. I recommend the Hoffman process. The book wasn't enough. After completing the initial paperwork you scared the hell out of me of saying it was one-tenth of what was coming. You were right. I appreciate your preaching to us and me, Beach Lover, was playful on. Thank you. You're changing the world and you are changing the world. I appreciate it. She went to the Hoffman process and they give you a card to thank the person who recommended it to you. This was the card she wrote for me. I highly recommend the Hoffman process. If you read the book, you're going to get a flavor of what it's like to do it live. Let me tell you the questionnaire to attend the Hoffman process if your emotional well-being isn't worth reading this book or investing 10 hours in completing the questionnaire then how serious are you about finding a healthy happy relationship if you're not willing to find that healthy happy relationship in yourself. My recommendations start with this. It's worth the time versus buying all that perfume. Just kidding, Kristen. What is your education in this field? Folks, I am self-studied. I've invested, first off, I've been coaching. I originally just started helping with online dating profiles. You don't need much of a personal or a human behavior degree, but I have over 20,000 hours of coaching. I've also amassed about 3,000 hours of personal development workshops, trainings. I have a neuro-linguistic certificate. I have a Reiki certificate. I've read numerous books. I have gone to umpteen workshops, so I am self-taught. I'm not here to suggest I am an expert. I probably invest an hour a day studying other material because I'm fascinated with human behavior. Recently I was watching a podcast on Chris Williamson's channel about ancestral mating practices in our current dating environment. It's a fascinating broadcast on Chris Williamson's YouTube channel. It was just recent if you're watching this as of this date. It was like a couple days ago. But understanding where we were is cave people 6 million years ago and how we've come to where we're at today is incredibly fascinating. I do a lot of study and again I'm not here to profess I'm an expert. I'm just a person who observes things and shares my opinion on it. And Margaret says, but Jonathan, you do it so well. Well, thank you. Let's see what else we have here. Margaret wants to state that one has to do a lot of work. I do agree with Jonathan. I appreciate that. Let's keep going here. Let's know she's working on a second t-shirt for me. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Sue Ann says, I tried Millionaire Match. I found the same type of people. I want someone with high IQ and EQ. Again, they're just different spokes in the wheel. The reason why I like Millionaire Match is it costs more money and a person who's willing to invest more is most likely a little more emotionally grown up. Maybe. I think people are willing to have a little bit more skin in the game. All right. Kamal says, Linda Goodman's Love Signs are a stable foundation for me. Thank you for sharing that. How much do you charge for dating profile help? A billion dollars. Folks, in the link below, you can schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. But it's very simple. Have a quality photograph of just you doing a variety of different things. Writing an essay. Go copy someone else's essay that was really well done. And that's all you really need to do. It's not that hard. But that's just my two cents on that. Julie says, Jonathan, you have a lot of valuable information women need to listen to those videos before dating. I get so many emails from women telling me that just watching enough of my videos has helped them be better prepared in the dating marketplace by being more intentional. Be more intentional. Recognize that we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality ourselves included. And when we operate from an intentional place, we have a better chance for success. Hey, I would like some more donations to the Conor Hasley Scholarship Fund before we wrap up. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. Just hit that little dollar sign and that'll allow you to donate to the Conor Hasley Scholarship Fund. Wait, Corey says you're just getting old. I'm getting old. I'm sorry. Because you know what, I guess I'm repetitious. You know, I would say that I'm very repetitious. Why? Because A, there's always new content that I haven't seen before. But most importantly, how do we learn? It's like, how does someone learn how to play the piano? They do their scales over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. They practice. That's how we get better at something by practicing. Margaret just gave us a $5 super, $4.49 super sticker. Thank you so much. You know what, folks? My lips are getting parched. So I'm going to probably wrap up in the second. Sherry Fleming says repetition is how you learn and remember. Gigi says repetition is the way to learn. Wonka said, not Wonka, wallet. Oh God, I can't even pronounce that. I've learned so much. I'm hoping it's not too late. Sunshine says Jonathan is forever rung. The Leos is the playful child. It's lovely. Okay, so the other night my son came over, Colin. There's a picture of him. There's a picture of my son, Colin. Actually, we had a professional photographer take that picture of he and I. I mean, and there's no real touch up in that picture. Anyway, he came over to watch the Wonka movie with Timothy Chalamet. You know what? I didn't love the movie. I just wasn't a big fan of the singing and dancing. I don't mind singing, but I just didn't like the dancing part. I just think it got a little bit too much in that realm. But then I watched the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder. For those of us who are mid-lifers, for those of us who grew up in the 60s and 70s, it was like a rush for my childhood. There is nothing like that movie to put one in a great, at least in my opinion, to put one in a great space of gratitude, of appreciation. Come with me and you'll see. By the way, I can't sing, so I'm going to stop right there. But there's just nothing like the movie of Willy Wonka. It makes me cry. He gives the Everlast and Gobstopper back to Willy. And in a weary world so shines a good deed. It makes me cry every single time. I hear those words in a weary world. And while I'm sharing this with you, we are in a fucked up dysfunctional dating marketplace. There's no doubt about it. And yet I'm not just hopeful. I operate from a place of knowing that when a person is true in their heart, they are true in their heart that anything is possible, anything is possible, even finding a golden ticket. When you are true in your heart and I think becoming true in your heart requires truly investing into your own sovereignty. It's again, why wrote a book What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development Self Help in Spiritual Work. When we're true at heart in our sovereignty, we all have the capacity to find a golden ticket. And so everyone do me a favor. If you have HBO or you have Netflix or you have one of those channels go to the Chocolate Factory, it is just a beautiful reminder that we all have the capacity to finding that golden ticket when we're true at heart. And yes, I guess we're swimming in a sea of a lot of Mike TV's, Veruca Salt, Violet Beauregard and Augustus Gloop. Actually, I'm going to take one last question and just popped up. Suan, at our age, why do you think marriage is in a league the legal sense is important at our age? I feel like getting the paper is a false sense of security. Here's the thing, I understand I'm a big proponent of a a spiritual marriage with a kutuba, a spiritual method of marriage with a kutuba. A kutuba, I believe is the old Hebrew version of creating your vows with another person. And a spiritual marriage is in the spirit of I understand why a lot of people don't want to have a relationship with the government today. I get that piece. But a spiritual marriage with a kutuba is at least the closest thing to declaring in front of the friends and family that this relationship is significant and it means something to us. And then you could put together a legal contract of how to manage your finances for one another. You can have some level of prenup if you will in this context. I think after 10 years of being with someone it's recognized here in California that's a marriage anyway. And some of the things you may want to put assets together, these are all things you can consider. But I recognize why a lot of people may not want a legal marriage. Yet at the end of the day living together is the closest thing. And so these are just my rough thoughts on the fact that we see more casual relationships than things that have more significance to them. Those are just my rough thoughts. If you want to comment below, I'd like to hear all your thoughts. As always, if you like this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well. And if you want to connect with me, check out the links below to schedule a discovery call with me right here. Find my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Find me on Instagram. Get my books that I recommend that's all listed below. I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic shot of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank Holly and Margaret and Mara and Billy. Lynn Holt is in the house and Lisa and Sunshine and Sue Ann and Sunshine Labardi and Kristen and Diane. Thank you for the five pounds. Was that pound? Super sticker. Holly, I said that. Margaret. Beach lovers. Sherry, Julie. Everyone, big hugs. Thanks for the love. Wishing you an oompa loompa evening. Go Willy Wonka. Go Willy Wonka. Find that golden ticket now. Sue Ann just figured out how to give us a super sticker for $20. Thank you so much for the love. We got this close to hitting our $50 goal. Big hugs. Thanks so much. Sunshine says that tunnel they went through is like the ding. That is too funny. All right, everyone. Have a wonderful evening.