 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan as they have Jonathan as they comment I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today our topic 75% of men over 40 wait 40 or is it 40 How should we do that 40 over 40 are this type of avoidant there this type of avoidant, okay? really quickly if If you are interested in talking to a coach and you've been curious about that check out the link below To schedule a discovery call to see if working with the coach is right for you. Okay. I got my pitch out of the way 75% of men over 40 How do we do that 40? Are this type of avoidance? Okay, so what's interesting? For the over 40 category so For those who follow my work most of my area of expertise is centered around midlife Which I say is after baby making years and before retirement so most of my clients are between the age of 42 and 69 that's my typical demographic although I've been so grateful a lot of 20 and 30 year old women are reaching out to me for advice Which is great because I much rather catch you sooner rather than later at least helping you but what's unique about the over 40 category is that Roughly about 75% of singles who are Who are over 40 and that are actively seeking? I'm you know actively dating actively dating especially if they're using an online medium, okay? Like a dating site dating app that sort of thing 75% of those folks and this is Anodotal this isn't exact, but I've done up my own independent study on this 75% I'm going to answer the 75% are divorced Are divorced in fact the majority of people over 45 who are actively single and looking for love or I shouldn't say looking for love They're looking for connection Remind me to come back to that the difference between connection and love okay, but for those 75% they're divorced and With it divorce brings about so much Typically can bring about so much emotional trauma Then it makes it very difficult for some people to lean into a new relationship now What's fascinating is there's a lot of people who go through divorce and they immediately marry someone else because they have a codependent personality type about 25% of men will immediately marry the next person they meet Because they have a codependent in other words, they cannot literally be alone Okay, they're afraid to be alone and they literally say yes to the first woman they meet and While that might seem great for a little while It I think the divorce rate for people on their second marriage that happens within the first two years of the ending of a previous one Is something like 75 or 80 percent the divorce rate because these are dysfunctional people Choosing to be in relationship because they're afraid to be alone because of their dysfunction Only to have it blow up again Okay, but you're asking but I'm you might be going well Jonathan. Tell me about those 75% of avoidance. Okay So there was the codependent that immediately rushes in Let's make that 20% to that not 25. It's more like 20% to that the 75% and this is true of both men and women they're actually Avoiding getting married again Because of the emotional traumas that happened during the divorce and there is financial trauma emotional trauma physical trauma I Guess financial and physical are kind of the same But there's a lot of potential trauma associated with divorce that causes men as well as women to be avoidant of Wanting to be in partnership with someone So what do these people do? They seek what's called they seek what Esther Perrell talks about in her book mating and captivity I don't have a copy of it here because you know, I'm always showing books mating and captivity by Esther Perrell She talks about something called stable ambiguity Stable ambiguity and that's basically giving just enough in this relationship to meet the basic needs of connection Companionship and sex doing the bare minimum to keep this relationship going And that's what a lot of avoidant people do that are avoiding partnership that they're avoiding Marriage they're avoiding a serious relationship because they were so traumatized before but they want connection They want companionship they want sex so they're going to do the bare minimum in relationship Okay, why is this so important to know this? because ladies the whole process of dating is a vetting process to decide to be in relationship and the whole process of being a Relationship is a vetting process to decide if you want to be in partnership and ladies You're terrible at the process of vetting guys to determine if they're good candidates I've always said you're especially for you ladies that are listening to the feminine power and feminine lean back Approach to relationships and allow the masculine to pursue you allow the masculine to pursue Well, that sounds great. But when you're talking dysfunctional men, you can't apply this rhetoric to what's going on right here How do you vet these guys? Well, that's what I teach in my private coaching. I teach you how to vet To determine if this is a really good candidate and be in relationship It's not your feminine energy isn't going to change a dysfunctional guy an avoidant guy You cannot change it now. You can temporarily by leaning back temporarily cause an anxious Trigger with him an abandoned trigger that might have him lean in just a little bit just to get you back But trust me if he doesn't fix his dysfunction, it's never going to heal It's never going to sustain the relationship leaning back Only temporarily as a band-aid brings them closer to you because all you did was trigger him Because think about when you get triggered when a guy pulls away what happens to you you get triggered And you want to bring him back? Okay, so of course if the opposite happens if you triggered his Anxious attack if you trigger his abandonment issues He might lean he might lean back to get you But it's only temporarily because he has to work on the deeper stuff that caused him to become an avoidant and until Most people that have gone through a divorce have healed through their divorce and hopefully have an amicable relationship with their ex-spouse It's a problematic relationship. We are dealing with baggage of people We're dealing with luggage and ladies You've heard me say this over and over again before you allow a penis into a vagina and before you allow right oral sex With one another learn how to vet guys better learn how to vet for those high-quality guys that I talk about Who've done the work versus Hey choosing the low-hanging fruit guys and no disrespect to those guys what I'm saying is hey if we're wounded work on healing Work on healing and then choose to be at least pursue a relationship You don't have to be healed to be in relationship, but you have to be healing and that's my invitation It's one of the reasons why I recommend my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway for you and for them because when we're coming from a hard-centered place of loving on ourselves We're in better Capacity to be in a relationship and if you watch my video I have a video called men need this to be in relationship. You're gonna get a better sense of that as well So 75% of men. Oh, by the way, I said 20% or co-dependent 75% or avoidant because they are afraid of marriage again And then there's the 5% who have done the work to heal and they're gonna lean back into Wanting to be in a healthy happy relationship and while not everybody it's hard to find those 5% a lot of those guys in the 75% are getting there. They're getting there. They're getting there and it's and it's okay to invest those guys But you got to find the guys who are doing the work Versus the ones who are so wrapped up in their dysfunction that they're gonna repeat their patterns with you over and over again If you've heard me talk about the book Getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks That's gonna explain why those men choose those women over and over again, and it's why you choose those men So read that book as well Alright, I've set a mouthful. My mouth is dry All right, if you have a question for me or if you want to actually if you have a question Check out my VIP group midlife love mastery. It's a VIP group. Check out the link You can actually join my group for seven dollars for the first two weeks Check it out because it's a great group and you get to ask me questions through a private Facebook forum That I have and monthly calls and that sort of thing. So check out midlife love mastery. It's my VIP group Ha ha I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first giving myself a big gigantic job and help Hug bear hug of self-love. I'm gonna add give you a big gigantic job than bear hug of love I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone and give them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks so much and wishing you a super duper wonderful fantastic day. Bye. Bye now