 Family Theater presents McDonnell Kerry, Barbara Rush, and Jeffery Hunter. On Hollywood, the Mutual Network in Cooperation with Family Theater presents the Pitchfork experiment starring McDonnell Kerry, Jeffery Hunter, and Barbara Rush. Family Theater's only purpose is to bring to everyone's attention a practice that must become an important part of our lives if we're to win peace for ourselves, peace for our families, and peace for the world. Family Theater urges you to pray. Pray together as a family. And now to our drama, the Pitchfork experiment starring McDonnell Kerry as Lieutenant Howard, Barbara Rush as his sister Dorothy, and Jeffery Hunter as Hugh. The story I'm about to tell you is substantially true, but because some of the people concerned with the Pitchfork experiment are still alive, and because dragging them through the mess again would serve no good purpose, I'll keep the names of people and places fictitious if you don't mind. What was the Pitchfork experiment? Well, it was one of the most humiliating experiences I've ever had, and certainly the most humiliating defeat ever suffered by the United States Army. I remember the day it all started. It was the day I was promoted from second to first lieutenant and given my special orders. Then they go on to say, after securing personnel at Fort Munson, California, you will proceed to the Fort Pitchfork proving grounds in California where you will receive further orders. Can't you find it yet? Well, I don't see it on this map either. Are you sure it's Fort Pitchfork? Yeah, yeah, that's what it says. Oh, listen to this. The tests are to be carried out in complete secrecy, and we cannot sufficiently stress their importance for if the aforementioned beasts of burden... What do they mean, beasts of burden? I don't know yet. I suppose we'll find out when we get there. Maybe some new breed of horse. If the aforementioned beasts of burden are adaptable to military use by the Army, certain revisions will be necessary in the tactical strategy of Desert Warfare. Well, that's the meat of it. Well, so we're off to California, Lieutenant. We are indeed, Miss Howard, the Fort Pitchfork proving grounds. Whatever they are. To play nursemaid to some strange and fascinating beast of burden. When my sister and I arrived at Fort Munson, I reported to the commanding officer, and it was then that I got two great shots. Camels, sir. That's what it's all about, camels. Fifty of them in the special stockade outside the fort. Camels. That's right, Lieutenant. Camels. Foodies-ness. That's what it is. All of California's laughing over this fiasco. Well, sir, I thought it was supposed to be a secret operation. I'd like to see you try to keep a herd of 50 camels a secret, Lieutenant. You can smell them for 20 miles. Another thing. I'm not going to send any men from this understaffed installation to take part in such a program. What do you think of that? What can I think, sir? How's that? Well, I'm a Lieutenant, sir, and you're a Brigadier General. No, I'm taking an unfair advantage. Is that what you're trying to say? Trying to keep it from following your order, huh? Well, sir... Well, as a matter of fact, you're right. Tell you what I'll do. You can take all the volunteers you can get. But I'll tell you this. When the men find out it's camels in what's just as bad, when they find out they have to go to some forsaken place for pitchforks, you can expect darn few volunteers, camels. Some smart aleck government buyers got himself stuck with a boatload of them and passing them back on to us. That's what? Why, I'd say tell them to get themselves another boy and then put in my bid for the Navy before I take a detail like that. What we need in... It is. Come on in, Corporal. Volunteer. That's one. Dorothy, I'd like to present Corporal Hugh Fitz. Corporal, my sister. Mr. Dorothy Howard. Oh, your sister? Oh, my pleasure indeed, Miss Howard. Oh, it's nice to meet you, Corporal Fitz. He's the volunteer. Oh, you know something about camels, Corporal? No, ma'am. It's only what I've heard about them since they arrived here for the lieutenant to pick up. Maybe you wouldn't mind telling me just why you decided to come along. Well, sir, I'm the only Irishman on the post, and to make matters worse, I've got a... Well, I guess I can say I had a Scotch sergeant. I don't understand. Well, it's not easy to explain, sir, so let's just say we don't get along too well. Oh, won't you sit down, Corporal? No, thank you, ma'am. Joe, I've been thinking. I didn't think you would have too much success asking for volunteers. Well, so I thought... Yeah? Well, I hope this won't sound silly. What won't sound silly? Well, I just thought that perhaps there might be some in the post jail. The jail? Very good idea, sir. Maybe some of the men with longer sentences would be happy to volunteer, and then if you talk to the general again... No, I can't consider it. Well, sir, there aren't any hardened criminals in the jail right now. There isn't any other way. No. Well, the general. But I can't expect any favors from him. Well, sir, if your sister was to be there to kind of give you a little support, I don't see how the general could refuse. Well, you know, that's a good point. Corporal, I think you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders. By George, you're a mighty lucky man, Lieutenant. I think if I'd seen your delightful sister, I might have volunteered for your expedition myself. Oh, it's very kind of you to say that, General. Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. But it seems a little strange to me that you should inflate the hardships of desert life, Lieutenant, on Miss Howard. Well, there was really no choice, sir. My orders stated I might take my family. And Joe and I are the only ones left, and it's all right. Well, let us hope so. You may take the keys, Corporal. Yes. I'll let you carry on by yourself. Thank you for your help, General. Well, I wish I could do more. I'm sure you would do, General. If the fort weren't so under garrison, I think if the army had had any idea of your efficiency, General Moring, you'd have lots more men under your command, and then you would do more. Well, I... I think I realize your situation here, sir. We'll try to get along on the volunteers we find there. Yes, don't worry about us. We'll get along somehow. Well, now, I was just thinking, if it would be of any help, for a long time I'd been toying with the idea of reforming headquarters company from three platoons of three squads each to two platoons of four squads. If I did it now, well, you might be able to use the extra squad. Sort of complimentary volunteers, huh? Thank you, sir. All right! What was that? Oh, the Corporal was just enthused. Yes, sir. That's right, sir. Enthused, sir. That'll help a lot. Well, I hope so. Good hunting. Oh, by the way, uh, I think it might be something of a treat for some of the other officers myself if you bring your charming sister to officers' mess tonight. Yes, sir. Oh, I'd be more than delighted, General. Oh, fine. We mess at, uh, that is to say, we dine at seven. We'll be there. Spending! You put me in a hurry. You ported on pretty thick, little one. Well, you got what you wanted, didn't you? She'd ported any thicker, sir. She'd have gotten the whole headquarters company. Well, shoot, if I were the general, I'd give her the whole army. Right. Thank you, Corporal. Corporal, you strike me as having a lot of cheek at times. Oh, no, sir. Enthusiasm, sir. We picked up quite a few men in the jail, and as the Corporal had told me, most of them were in for minor offenses, all except two. And those two turned out to be the best men of the whole lot. These are the last ones, sir. I don't think you'll have any trouble with them. They're both up for court-martial. What are they in for? Well, now, what are you asking him for? Why don't you ask us? Howdy, fish. How you doing, Tex? What's the matter with that Indian? Is the poor man sick? Oh, fierce eagle? Uh, no, ma'am. He's singing. Hey, fierce eagle, that's enough. Oh, drunk, huh? Well, no, Lieutenant. That is not the ways he sees it. What's this about a court-martial? Well, now you see, sir, the eagle and me, we broke into the medical shack. That's why we're here. Broke into the medical shack? Yes, ma'am. It was a Saturday night, and we were confined to court unjustly, too, and I wasn't a fit. That's right, sir. Well, so we broke into the medical shack. I don't understand. Medicinal brandy, sir. Yeah, we were both a little sick. Oh, oh, I see. And so you see, fierce eagle, he's not drunk. He's just thoroughly medicated. Man! Does he, uh, does he get medicated often? Oh, no, no, ma'am. And at one time, he was one of the finest Indians scouts in the Army. Was one, you say? Uh, yes, sir, but, well, now that this country's all been scouted, leaves him with nothing to do. Oh, he's a good man, sir, though it's a shame to waste him. Maybe he won't be wasted. Does he know where pitchfork could be? Well, of course he does. What do you think, Joe? Oh, he's, uh, really a good man, sir. Oh, then we'll take him. And Tex here is one of the best men with livestock in the Army, aren't you, Tex? Well, nah, no cattle, little. Well, it looks like we've got a couple more of the best volunteers. That's fine. Let's hope you can apply what you know about cattle to our herd of camels. Camels? Something wrong? No, yes. That's enough, Eagle. Sir, do you mean that I'm going to be working with those camels in the outer stockade? Not for long. Was something wrong with working with camels? Certainly it's better than a summary. Court, Marshall. Sir, I was a part of the detail. I hurted them in there. I think I'll take the court, Marshall. And if it's all right with you, I'll just close this here door. Mr. Tex, open the door. You're being ridiculous. It can't be that bad. Tex, Tex, now listen. Think of Eagle. If you stay in here, he'll stay too. What about him? Do you want him to get Court Marshall to? This is the only way out. Fear seagulls never seen those camels fit, but I don't think he'd thank me. That indens the only one we've run into that might know where Pitchfork is. How about it, Tex? Won't you come along with us? Are you going to, ma'am? She is. And from the looks of things, she's got more spunk than you have. Well, I suppose and I do go along, and it doesn't work out. I mean, after a couple of days, I can't take them anymore. Well, then what? I'll give you permission to come back here. To the fort? To the jail. Oh. If you stay with us, you get a full pardon. Well... Get up, Fear seagulls. We're volunteering for battle. The general's dinner that night was a great success. At least I thought so at the time. For after a little conversation with my sister and me, the general decided to let us have whatever supplies we might need and enough pack horses to carry them. The whole thing seemed to be shaking up pretty well, and that night I had a really wonderful dream. It's going just beautifully, Captain Howard. You'll get another promotion out of this. Oh, I'm so fortunate to have such a brilliant brother. Yes, sir, Major Howard. You sure are showing those camels as well. Colonel Howard, I take my hand off to you. The Army can be proud of a man like you. General Howard, it is with the greatest pleasure and respect that I nearly signed up changing the name of this fort before Joseph Howard. And now as I pound this golden nail... Colonel Howard, open up. Huh? Huh? What's that? Well, sir, the pack horses have stampeded, sir. They're all over the landscape. Oh, no. But, Joe, you should have seen it. The most exciting thing that's happened. But how did it happen? What caused it? Did someone fire a shot? No, sir, nobody did anything. And what were you doing out here, may I ask? I just came out to watch. It wasn't my fault. Oh, it wasn't, sir. You see, we had the pack horses on the picket line at the stockade, and then suddenly the wind shifted. The horses got a whiff of those camels and... And they broke the picket rope. Corporal, has anyone gone after them? I'll text the whole headquarters squad, sir. Isn't that our scout? Where do you suppose he's going? I don't know. Hey, you, Thirst Eagle, come over here. Where are you going? Thirst Eagle, go back to jail. Back to jail? Just because of a few camels? Camels, they're good for nothing. Oh, Mr. Eagle. You and Tex are good friends, aren't you? Tex and Thirst Eagle, blood brother. Well, Mr. Eagle, when Tex comes back and sees me with the camels and when we tell him that you were afraid, he'll think you're a coward. Yeah, what else can he think? That's right, Thirst Eagle. Besides, they haven't done anything to you, have they? Camel bite Thirst Eagle. They did? Then why don't you bite them back? Bite back? Of course. Bite back. All right, I see. Bite back. Pitchfork, which turned out to be 15 miles away in the brisk time of two and a half days. The journey was largely without incident. One camel did lose the better part of an ear as a result of a snapping engagement with our Indian scout. But as I learned after a month at our new fort, that kind of incident was much too small to rate official notice. Much too small. Now, Olson, what's this I hear about casualties in the herd? Well, sir, it's like I've told you, sir. These beasts just don't seem to have enough sense to look out for woodchuck holes, and they keep stepping in them, sir. I see. And when they do that, sir, they seem to break either their legs or the hole. In most cases, they're legs, sir. So far, we've had to shoot three of them to put the poor things out of their misery. Of course, it wasn't as if you were willfully destroying army property. Oh, no, sir. Good morning, Joe, and good morning, Private Olson. Morning, man. Dot, would you take down some of these reports for our headquarters dispatch? Of course. Then we'll let me sit down. Do I have a pencil? Yeah. Private Olson tells me they've had to shoot three camels, casualties, broken leg. That's right, man. Well, that'll be all, Olson. Yes, sir. And, Olson, tell Sergeant Fitz I'd like to see him. Oh, you'll be seeing him in an hour anyway. I've invited him for lunch. Again? Well, you promoted him to Sergeant. Well, I thought you liked him. Well, what if you'd rather? No, no, it's all right. Never mind, Private, see if you can find Tex and send him over. Yes, sir. Well, it looks as though there's one member of this company I haven't been getting reports on. Oh, you mean about Hugh? Is he Sergeant Fitz? Naturally. Well, well, there's nothing to report. I simply think like... I think he's charming, that's all. And apparently he feels the same about Hilton. Well, why? Is there something wrong with him? Well, uh... Private Jones' report, sir. Oh, yeah, come in here, Tex. I'm sending in a dispatch this morning. Do you have anything to report? Yes, sir, I sure have here. Take a look at this here. Well, it looks like a weed. Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. I've seen this weed before, I believe. I should remember this from my botany. From your what, ma'am? Isn't this called astragala smolissimus? Well, now, I don't know what they call it in the East, ma'am, but out here we call it locoweed. That's right. It's supposed to drive cattle crazy. Locoweed? That's all we need. It's all we got, sir. How's that? We're all out of the other types of feed for them camels, sir. Unless we can use this, we might just as well hit back for the fort. Locoweed, well, we tried. Look, Tex, isn't there anything we can do? Well, I seem to remember that cattle have to drink water in the same 24-hour period for this locoweed, as you call it, to take effect. Oh, yes, sir, that's true. Well, we only have to water the camels every three days. Or every five days. Or every ten, sir. Tex, a camel can only go nine days without water. Yes, sir, that's what I mean, sir. Well, we'll give it a try, Tex. Have the watering troughs removed from the corrals and have Sergeant Fitz set up a schedule with feedings and waterings. I'll talk to him about it at lunch. You're taking a mighty big chance, Lieutenant. We've got to take a Tex. We've just got to take it. Surprisingly enough, the schedule worked out pretty well, and the herd seemed to prosper on Locoweed. And little by little, we learned how to work with the camels. And everything went along with a fair degree of smoothness. And that is it did till one night in June. I was just finishing my tour of inspection. How are you, Lieutenant? Awesome. Yes, sir, just finishing up. They've all been fed? Yes, sir. Ah, good. Well, I guess I'll say good night to my sister and turn in. Good night, Olson. Yes, oh, that's why I quit my law practice. No excitement. Well, if you were a successful lawyer before, why couldn't you be a successful at it again? Well, maybe I would be if I had some real incentive. Real incentive, you? Well, what would you think would be real incentive? Well, Dorothy, if... if I had a girl like you to work for, then I'd... Yes, you? Well, what I'm trying to say is that... Yes, you? Who's out there? Is that you, Joe? Just finished up the inspection for the evening. Oh, hello, Sergeant Fitz, finished with your work? Yes, sir, I am. Are you sure there isn't something you could go back and inspect, Joe? No. I'll finish. Just want to sit here and enjoy the evening. Lieutenant, come quick, sir. It's terrible, sir, just terrible. What's terrible? What are you talking about? You'd better sit down, Private Olson. I couldn't, ma'am. There's been a terrible accident. What happened? Fear's eagle, sir. A camel had Adam. He'd better come quick, sir. We took him to the medical shack. All his front teeth? At least two, sir. Well, how good it happened? Well, missed the way I got it was a camel bit him, and just as he was biting him back, this here camel moved, sudden like. And there was the eagle standing with no teeth. All right, now take it easy, boy. Take it easy. Camel in thunders, Fear's eagle. Fear's eagle, get his scalp. Oh, and I know you don't know you don't just sit down. And be quiet. Oh, I'm sure glad you're here, sir. Or is he in much pain? I don't know, ma'am, but he's mad. That's for sure. Here, Dorothy, open up the medical supplies. Fear's eagle, how you scoop him? He's done it all. What'd he say? Well, now he's speaking in his own tongue and with them teeth being out. It ain't easy to understand, but well, it sounded like how you scoop him. I'm real sick. Do you think he'll need the brandy, Joe? No, I don't think so. No. Fear's eagle, cultus, tactus. He says he's cultus, tactus, bad eagle. Let's cook to the end, all broken up. Need to firm it. He says if it's all right with you, we'd like about three fingers of medication. Well, I don't see how it would do any real harm just this once, do you, Joe? Yeah. We ought to give him something to relieve the pain. Oh, I'll scoop him. What was that? Well, that's kind of hard to tell, ma'am, but it sounded like how you scoop him means very sick. Oh, you better give him something, sir. Oh, you poor man. Oh, yeah. Wish we had some other pain reliever than medicinal brandy. They can't do any harm just this once. Well, all right. Be quiet, eagle. Listen. What's the matter? That's the camels. Something wrong? Thanks. When you brought Fear's eagle out of the stockade, did you close the gate? No. I didn't do it. Then they're out and after the water. But that water would drive them crazy after the local weed. Oh, shut up, Fear's eagle. Come on. We've got to stop them. You'd better go along with the rest and see how much we can salvage Tex. Yes, sir. I'm sorry about everything, Lieutenant. I mean, we hated them camels. It's all right, Tex. Now, there ought to be something that we can do. I'm afraid not. Well, maybe there is. The eagle and I'll think about it. Come on, eagle. I said, come on. You're all well. Now, come on, Biggie. In here, I'll help you. Fear's eagle plenty mitigated. I suppose we'll be going back in the morning. Yeah. Well, I'm going to bed. Bed? And I'm going to have pleasant dreams, not even think about camels or pitchfork or anything else. I'm just going to stay in bed till it's time to leave in the morning. Not going to think about them. Not my fault. I shouldn't have tried it in the first place. Camels. Sorry about it, Lieutenant. Sure am sorry. Too bad, Sergeant Howard. Could have happened to anyone. Don't you worry about it, Joe. At least you're still corporal, and there'll be other camels. Oh, no. This must be a nightmare. Oh, no, Private Howard. A night camel, maybe, but not a nightmare. Well, if it isn't old crazy camel Howard. Trying to get back in the army, crazy camel? Not a chance. Oh, but, sir... You're a failure, crazy camel. Only one thing left for you. Take my advice. Go off and be a panhandler. A panhandler? But I don't want to be a panhandler. What did you say, sir? Sergeant Fitz. Anything wrong, Lieutenant? Lieutenant, you did say Lieutenant. Yes, I did, sir. Anything wrong? No, just a night camel. Sir? A nightmare. Bad green. Did you want to see me about something? The pack horses are about ready to go, sir. Oh, good. And one other thing, sir. I can't find Tex and Fierce Eagle. We've looked everywhere. Looks like they left before daybreak. You... You don't want me to put them on report yet, do you, Lieutenant? No. No, not yet. We'll wait till the last minute. They may show up before we report in. Something may happen. I wasn't quite prepared for what did happen. We found the Indian and the Texan before I reported to the general, all right. Just before I reported, they were in the general's waiting room. Howdy, Lieutenant. What are you two doing here? Well, I just thought we'd lay a little groundwork for you. What's the matter with him now? The Eagle just morning after. Don't worry about it, sir. Here, you better go on in there, I think. Orderly has, sir. Oh, there you are, Howard. By George, I'm glad to see you. You are, sir? Oh, clever trick, Lieutenant. We won't have to be worrying about those camels anymore. Local weed and water. You ought to be generous. You think I did it on purpose? You don't have to pretend with the general, Lieutenant. Oh, all the things that would have happened if the pitchfork experiment had been successful. But, sir, I tried. To make it look accidental, sir, that's what he did. Yes, sir. Thanks to you, I think that's just about the end of the United States Camel Corps. All right. In fact, some good came out of the whole misadventure. Most of the men who served on the expedition got immediate promotions. My sister got a good husband, and the camels, well, they got the Mojave Desert, which those who know camels will know was exactly what they deserved. Oh, once again, here is McDonnell Kerry. Thanks, Tony. Barbara, Jeff, I certainly enjoyed working with you, too. Well, thank you, Mac. We enjoyed working with you, Mac. Say, I hear the hunters are expecting a blessed event. Yes, we are, and we think it's wonderful. Yeah, it sure is. It makes a fellow feel pretty important. I understand a lot of responsibility goes with parent or Jeff. Well, I know, and there's one thing that I've been giving a lot of thought. You can call it a theory if you'd like. Well, I'd like to hear it. Well, I feel that there are certain things that parents are obliged to teach their children. You can call them skills of self-preservation. Skills of self-preservation? What do you mean, Jeff? Well, I mean that children should be taught as early as possible how to protect themselves, like how to swim, how to behave in traffic, how to find their way out of wooded areas. How to pray? Well, I don't think we'll have to make a point of teaching that lack. No? Well, environment will take care of that. We believe in family prayer, and we do our praying together and make prayer as much a part of life as the evening meal. You know, Mac, family prayer is a powerful thing. It brings God right into the family. It makes him an active member, and with God in the family, how can you miss? You have quite a family yourself, haven't you, Mac? Mm-hmm, six. Six? Yeah, my wife and I, Lynn, Lisa, Stevens, and God. That makes six. Oh, you sound like a family prayer man yourself, Mac. I am. There's another aspect of family prayer you haven't mentioned, Jeff. It falls right in with your theory, too, because it preserves the unity of the family. You've heard it, I'm sure. The family that prays together stays together. More things are rocked by prayer than this world dreams of. Um, Hollywood Family Theater has brought you the Pitchfork Experiment, starring McDonnell Kerry, Jeffrey Hunter, and Barbara Rush. Others in our cast were Francis X. Bushman, Tom Holland, Burt Holland, and Walter Brennan, Jr. The script was written by Robert Hewosullivan, with music composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman, and was directed for Family Theater by Joseph F. Mansfield. This series of Family Theater broadcasts is made possible by the thousands of you who feel the need for this type of program, by the mutual network which has responded to this need, and by the hundreds of stars of stage, screen, and radio who give so unselfishly of their time and talent to appear on our Family Theater stage. To them and to you, our humble thanks. This is Tony Lofrano expressing the wish of Family Theater that the blessing of God may be upon you and your home and inviting you to join us next week when Family Theater will present Gene Lockhart and Mona Freeman in the story of Little Tree. Join us, won't you? Theater is broadcast throughout the world and originates in the Hollywood studios of the world's largest network. This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.