 who understand men now. I'm Jonathan Asley of johnathasley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the most powerful way to get a man closer to you, even if he's scared. Okay, really quickly, before we get started, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, this content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if f-bombs aren't at your cup of tea, then I highly suggest logging off right now. Lastly, this is merely my perceptions and my opinions by no stretch of the means do I mean what I'm about to share is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. My hope is just to simply expand your horizons and maybe think of dating, mating, and relating in a different way. All right, let's jump into the topic of the most powerful way to get a man closer to you. So I'm sure you've heard this before. Men are emotionally unavailable. Men fear intimacy. Men are commitment phobic. Men are this, men are that, and the list goes on and on about how men aren't really capable of being in a relationship. In fact, if you look at the most popular search terms for women seeking advice about relationships in men, it's all centered around how to get a guy to open up, why men pull away, why men are commitment phobic, how to get an emotionally unavailable guy to open up, how to get an avoiding guy to open up, how to avoid a narcissist. I mean, the list goes on and on. And it's quite interesting to me sitting back when I watch this because the natural order of things is centered around men are the leaders of the relationship. I'm gonna repeat that the natural order of things is centered around men are the leaders of the relationship. But isn't it fascinating that if the most popular search term centered around pretty much why men are bad in relationships, why would you wanna give the job to the least qualified candidate? This is one of the reasons why if you follow my work, I always say, ladies, you are in charge of your relationship, destiny, not the man. And yet, sadly, women give their power away to men and we'll talk about that in a few minutes. So I'm here to say most men aren't bad guys. Most men aren't bad guys, most women aren't bad people. It's just most human beings are bad daters and in particular, men are rather clueless to the functionality of a relationship because men, for the most part, when they're not on the hunt for a wife, men are rather clueless and this is especially true for those of us in midlife. And if you follow my work, I'm a midlife dating a relationship coach, which means midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So this demographic of the over 45 crowd is roughly 75% of singles who are actively looking to connect who are over 45 years old are divorced. And with that comes a lot of emotional baggage. So men get framed into this belief, there's this kind of narrative that men are just supposed to be naturally claim a woman, they're supposed to be naturally chivalrous. And yet, divorce, and if 75% of the population who's single looking for love is divorced, that's a very traumatic thing that can happen in a person's life and that can affect them emotionally deeply, whether a man or a woman. And I'm here to say that the narrative about men being, I'm almost, I feel bad for saying it this way, but are bad, bad people because they might fear intimacy. Well, the reality is is men and women alike fear intimacy. This isn't a gender or biology thing, this is a human thing. Most of the time people that fear really connecting with another human being is because they had childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas that cause them to be scared. And whether you're man or woman, I can tell you there are equally a number of scared women out there in the dating realm, as well as there are men. So I'm gonna get into a second of how to shift this narrative about how to get much closer to a guy and how to actually develop deeper intimacy. But I do wanna step back for a moment and share something with you because I was listening to a podcast the other day. From a so-called doctor, and I say so-called doctor, I mean, I'm sure this person legitimately received their doctorate and they wrote a book. Let me reframe that, this person is a doctor, I'm not denying the doctor part, but they were basically spouting a lot of science related to men, science. And it's mostly the caveman narrative about men and women, how cavemen are prone to look at women from a fertile or fidelity type of perspective. In other words, for making babies and that sort of thing. And there's truth to that. And certainly there was this narrative, she went on and on about how men need competition. In other words, she was actually suggesting to women, this person was suggesting to women that they actually date multiple people at the same time to make that man scared enough to want to claim her, to take her off the market because men love competition. And to the extent that there might be some truth to that, I wanna say this, everything that they were spouting centered around men mating with women. And what I mean by mating, I mean basically having sex with women, the idea of men spreading your seed and has nothing to do with the longevity of a relationship. Ladies, when you hear this narrative that men are hunters and men love the chase and men love to pursue and men love competition, well, actually we might like competition amongst our friends. So for that woman who got the advice of maybe dating multiple people at the same time to create competition and the guy chases that woman based on competition, that competition is amongst other men. It's not for that woman. So he claimed, by the way, you've seen this happening over and over and over again. Men, once they win you over, they become rather lazy. They become, you know, less romantic. In fact, they actually start to check out of the relationships once they've claimed you when this competition has been in place. This is why I'm such a big proponent of please don't do manipulative tricks, especially like tricks like the book, The Rules Talk About. These manipulative games do work short-term. In the short-term basis, they might work manipulating a guy might work. It usually works for the emotionally unhealthy man or the man who is severely traumatized or severely needy. It might temporarily work. But ultimately, a true heart-centered relationship is really based on intimacy. And let me tell you something, the fear of intimacy is not a gender biology thing because there are just as many women that fear intimacy as men. There are just as many women who have traumas in their childhood that makes them very difficult to trust. If a woman even has daddy issues and stuff like that, she oftentimes chooses much older men because that feels safer to her. And I'm just giving you one example. And there is no doubt there have been a plenty of objectification of young girls and abuse young girls or young women have experienced that makes them very fearful to actually lean into deeper intimacy in a relationship. And what I'm gonna spend the next few minutes before we take questions is to lean into intimacy because this is how we get much closer to another human being. And even when someone is scared, what I'm about to share is hugely important for developing intimacy. So first off, what does intimacy mean? Well, let's break down the words. Into me see. Into me see. Into me see. In other words, you get to see inside of me beyond the walls and the facade. And the reality is as most humans, men and women like are carrying these masks, they're carrying these walls, they're carrying these facades because the reality is most humans are suffering on the inside in some way, shape or form, centered around, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. Let me repeat that. Most humans are suffering on the inside in some way, shape or form, centered around, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. So, and guess what? Dating triggers that like nobody's business. This is why I'm such a big proponent of everyone checking out my book. What the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? This is a deep dive into personal development, self-help and spiritual work that allows you to shore up your inside so you can be capable of a deeper, more loving, more nurturing, more juicy, delicious, healthy relationship like I talk about. By the way, there's a link below in the description if you wanna check out my book. So, coming back to intimacy, what's fascinating to me is most dating rhetoric that's centered on gender and biology is all predicated on the beginning stages of lust and limerence, lust and limerence. Lust is that desire to have sex and limerence is the early stages of infatuation. But let's get real, love is so much more, intimacy is so much more than the beginning stages of dating. In fact, if you're familiar with my relationship iceberg and I'm gonna put it up on the screen, my relationship iceberg and as you can see the top is chemistry in the tip of the iceberg and above the water line is attraction and below the water line is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity, which means this is if you're compatible in these areas, you have a much stronger relationship and if you are compatible the water line of attraction begins to drop and you become more and more attracted to this person. This happens through intimacy into me see. So how do we develop intimacy? Well, from my perspective there's really only one way and that is developing a true friendship in your relationship. I'm gonna repeat that developing a true friendship in your relationship. You know what's fascinating to me? I get phone calls from women all the time that are strung out over some guy that they're in relationship with and they're lamenting over the whole thing. Maybe there's an ending, maybe there's a problem and they've been together six months, one year, two years, five years, whatever it is. And when I ask the question about their friendship, it's actually a very weak friendship that they have. A very weak friendship. Why is friendship so important? Let me tell you something. Do me a favor, interview anybody who's been married 30, 40, 50 or 60 years like my mom and dad were. They were married just shy of 66 years before my mother passed away. Every couple I've spoken to in a long-term relationship say they are married to their best friend. They are married to their best friend. And what that really means, what does friendship really mean? It means you can talk from your heart to this person. It means you can be vulnerable with this person. It means you can be authentic with this person and it also means you can be transparent with this person. And sadly, most relationships today barely build a friendship foundation. I'm gonna repeat that. Barely build a friendship foundation. Sure, they have connection. They spend some time together. They have sex together. But are they truly friends? Can they truly talk to one another? And what's interesting, I was watching a podcast or a video the other day and now I gotta go find it. I can't remember where it was. But it talked about the reality is most humans are weak at what's called, here, I wrote this down. Conversational competency, conversational competency. Yeah, it's true. Most humans are really bad at true conversation. I'm talking about intimate conversation. I don't mean social conversation. Like how's the weather? How's your day going? I hope your day is good. Did you have a good day? I bet you had a good day. I'm really wishing you had a good day. I hope you have a fabulous day. I hope you have a fab day. Have a fab day. Have a wonderful day. Surface level. And by the way, what's up? How's it going? How's your day going? Thinking of you. All surface level conversations and people spend hours on their text messaging in mostly surface conversations. How do we go deeper to build that friendship? How do we go deeper to build intimacy? I think it requires some conversational competency. And so the other day I found my book my copy of my book. If you're not familiar with the book by Dale Carnegie called How to Win Friends and Influence People. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Darrell Carnegie. I was thinking about this, when I was preparing for this and I was thinking about this book and in the chapter, in chapters four and five, just to give you an example, chapter four, an easy way to become a good conversationalist an easy way to become a good conversationalist. Chapter five, how to interest people. And chapter six, how to make people like you instantly. I'm proposing that you all check out this book to become better conversationalists because the reality is, is with text messaging today, I mean, we are no longer meeting people organically. We are no longer meeting people in our social circle. We're no longer meeting people that know our brother and sister, that know our mother and father, that know our friends, that know our grocer. We're meeting total strangers. And many of you ladies, you witness this as well. You swipe right on some guy and what's the first thing out of your mouth? Hey, cutie. Hi, how's your day? I hope you have a good day. Oh, I'm just wishing you a good day. I mean, guys don't say that. Women say that, mostly the wishing you a good day. Most people are terrible at conversation and furthermore, most humans are terrible at going into deeper conversation. By the way, my coffee mug says, love yourself. This was a gift from one of you out there in the YouTube land. I wanna thank you so much for sending me this gift. But going back to conversation, most humans are terrible at expressing their needs, wants and desires in a way that's seen, heard and understood. This is why I continually recommend this book to everybody, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. And one of the benefits of reading these two books that I just talked about is hopefully you actually also in the process become a better flirter, a better flirter. Because not just in the beginning of the relationship but a healthy relationship is gonna have some juice and some spice in it. So beyond becoming vulnerable, authentic, transparent to be more intimate with your partner in a good conversational way, also you wanna create that spark that keeps the relationship alive. This is one of the reasons why I highly recommend if you want some ideas for flirting, believe it or not, this book by Barbara DeAngelis called How to Make Love All the Time, How to Make Love All the Time might help prepare you to think beyond the surface like most people do. And ladies, as I said in the beginning of this broadcast, most men are rather clueless. We know one thing, we want women. After that, we have no clue what to do after that. Ladies, you purchased these books 10-fold greater than men. So when I said to you earlier, men are rather clueless when it comes to leading in the relationship. That's because they lead at the pace they wanna go, which is minimal pace, just enough so they can get laid and get female connection. If you want a deeper, loving, deeper relationship with a guy, intimate relationship, then my invitation for you is to lead by example. Lead by example, start reading these books and using the tools and principles in these books from the very beginning. Folks, if you leave it up to the guy, you're gonna be two, three, four, five, six months into the relationship wondering if you're even exclusive and monogamous with one another because you haven't spoken up. And if you want a man to get closer to you, it starts from the very beginning. It starts from the very first moment you meet by showing up at the 50-yard line. And if he doesn't show up at the 50-yard line, you can pull back a little bit, that's okay. But show up at the 50-yard line and then witness if he does and if he doesn't invest as much as you, then move on. Because if two people aren't investing like a two-lane street in the relationship, it's going to eventually collapse and fail. Anyway, how do we get to deeper intimacy? It's through building friendship, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, talking about current events, talking about politics, talking about religion. Go deeper into what's going on in your mind. Talk about your, by the way, the reasons why I talked about politics and religion is because it's a reflection of your values. And you can determine, is this person really open-minded or are they closed-minded? Because closed-minded people are very difficult to be in relationship with. And open-minded people go beyond the surface and that's what I want to invite you all to do is go beyond the surface. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know by hitting that like button. All right, I think you get the gist of where I'm going. The most powerful way to get a man close to you, develop that friendship and learn conversational competency to build that friendship through, as I said before, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together. And by the way, this is one of the reasons why long-distance relationships struggle because they don't have enough time to do those things together. But that's for a whole nother conversation. All right, we're gonna jump into the Q&A part of our broadcast today. So if you're listening to the replayer, you're listening to the podcast version, the live stream is where there's a live chat box on YouTube. And if you post a question in the live chat box, write the word question, write the word question and post your question thereafter so it's easier for me to find. Or you can purchase a super sticker or super chat. Those who know the super stickers, super chats go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him right there. He's my son who passed away a few years ago. In his honor, I've created a scholarship fund to help the defray the cost of personal development, making donations to some really worthy causes that I believe in such as the Hoffman process and insight. So if you purchase a super sticker, super chat, that's where the funds go to. And also just please let me know if I'm making a difference in your life by purchasing the super sticker as well. All right, time to take questions. And by the way, Nicole, I noticed you posted a question. Do me a favor, cut and paste it, put again because I won't be able to find it. All right, Judith writes, question please, describe into me you see, what does that look like? Like you, I'm equally frustrated. You're right, men are clueless. Well, interesting enough, Judith, the fact that you don't know it is actually a reflection of your own cluelessness. So not to suggest, so I'm here to say ladies, I'm an equal opportunity judge. Men are clueless, women are clueless too. But the fact that that question was asked, now maybe you're trying to get my perception on it so I get it. So into me you see intimacy. This is being vulnerable, authentic and transparent with your partner. Vulnerable, authentic and transparent with your partner. That's true intimacy, to actually talk about each other's feelings in a way that you're seen, heard and understood. Now, most men aren't good at this. We were, our capacity to be intimate was socialized out of us when we were a little boy. So if you wanna bring it back in, it starts by learning how to express your own feelings in a very loving way. In fact, in my book, self-love the book or what the heck is self-love anyway, chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. So it starts by speaking about your feelings. Start speaking about your feelings. Now, what I mean about your feelings, share how you feel about the relationship. Share how you feel about him. Share how you feel about yourself. Share about feelings that might be your own fears or insecurities. Now, what I'm here to say, it's not vomiting your feelings. It's not a feeling dump. It's expressing to actually, let me backtrack for a second. Ladies, if you want a really healthy, happy, juicy, delicious relationship, it's going to have to be co-created. It's gonna have to be co-created because men are clueless. So it's gonna have to be something you do together. This is one of the reasons why I continually recommend the book before the penis goes inside the vagina is that you read the book, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman by two copies, one for you and one for him. This teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And there are eight separate conversations that are rather intimate, that requires being vulnerable, authentic and transparent to determine if the two of you are really partnership material. Well, let me do it this way, partnership material. Are you really good partnership material? Well, Jonathan, that just seems like a lot of work and it's gonna turn a guy off. Yeah, because dating is supposed to be fun. Just focus on fun. Just focus on nothing but have fun. Just have fun. Just enjoy being romance and having fun. Well, that's great once the guy gets laid. And remember we talked about from a biological perspective, yes, we are chasing lust and limerence, but don't you wanna go deeper beyond the surface of a relationship? So coming back to intimacy and your question, is it starts by expressing your feelings? So let's say you express your feelings for five minutes to a guy. And then you invite him to express his feelings. Well, he might spend 30 seconds expressing his feelings. Okay, well, that's in your growing. Well, Jonathan, I did five minutes. He only did 30 seconds. Well, I want you to do it again. I want you to express your feelings, maybe some days later for five minutes and invite him to express his feelings. You might find that he might do 38 seconds the next time. But Jonathan, there was a difference. All right, he'll be patient. So then you do it again. You express your feelings for five minutes and then you invite him to express his feelings. You might be surprised. He might spend 49 seconds the next time and he might spend a minute, 30 seconds the next time and he might spend two minutes the next time because men have to kind of grow into our feelings when we're with a person. But it starts by leading by example. Now, here's the thing. If you vomit your feelings from a place of fear that you will lose him, then you will most likely lose him if it's coming from fear. If it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. You only lose the wrong person or you're not the right person for him. If you're constantly in fear in the relationship, if you've given your power away to the guy, then guess what? You're not the right partner for him. A truly self-empowered woman doesn't give her power away to a man. And I will tell you, women give their power away continually. Have you seen my worksheet? The seven ways women give their power away. The relationship is on his terms. You abandon your standards and your boundaries. You're afraid to speak your truth to him. You're always waiting for him to initiate. These are the things that are gonna get you in trouble long-term. So, bring it back full circle to intimacy. And thank you for that question. It starts by leading by example. Into me you see means vulnerable, authentic and transparent. And the deeper you become vulnerable, authentic and transparent with one another, you're actually building the deeper friendship that eventually leads to strong partnership. And that's my invitation for you. Thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. All right. Carrie says, we don't lead a clueless man. We do our own work. By the way, women, by the way, men and women should both be doing work. I agree. All right, deep diver writes, question, hi, Jonathan. What if a man says he's open, open our heart but isn't into commitment, isn't into commitment? Well, okay. So ladies, this great question. What if he says he's not into commitment? Then it boils, it's not about him next. It's about you. If you want a fully committed relationship that leads to partnership where either live together or get married or have some sort of partnership and he's not into commitment, then it really comes down to, what does your standard say about what you want? And if it doesn't meet your standard, you say that's not acceptable to me and then you have to hold to that standard. You know, it's interesting. I caught the last five minutes of a movie earlier today. I was just flipping channels before I turned on the news. And it was about a woman. The scene was a, from what I gathered in the movie, there was scene was this man and woman meet each other at a park and it turned out they were engaged and right before the engagement, he called off the marriage. And then the balance of the movie, I didn't see the movie, was her learning how to adjust to this heartbreak, this real pain. And she was really learning how to build self-love, self-love, self-respect, self-worth, self-confidence. But this scene was at the end of the movie because he came back and said, he goes, oh my God, I realized I made a mistake. Oh my God, I realized I made a mistake and I want you back. And what I loved was she said no, she said no. And let me tell you why I'm happy she said no. She said no, well, what she said in the movie, why she said no was because she finally found her worth. And when she realized she found her worth, she goes, I didn't, I realized I don't need to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me. Well, now he's professing I want to be with you, I want to be with you, I want to be with you. But here's the bottom line, ladies. He wasn't, just because a man misses you, that doesn't equal love. Love comes from real appreciation from another person, not from a missing, because if he got her back, he would temporarily feel good, but he'd be right back to where he was before. Because the reality is, if you're willing to lose something you appreciate, let me reframe that. Most humans lose what they don't appreciate. My instincts tell me in this particular movie scene, he didn't appreciate her. He just longed for once he lost her from that territorial perspective that that biology men have and not from a place of true love. So I'm so proud of her for standing in her power. And that's my invitation for you, deep diver. You have to decide what is your standard and then stick to your standard, stick to your boundary. If commitment's important to you and they don't want commitment, but they act like everything else is great, then you get to make the choice because ultimately you either accept him for who he is or you move on. But I know Jonathan, if I just stick it out, magic fairy dust will make him commit. Bullshit, ladies. Magic fairy dust doesn't make men commit. And not necessarily time either. What makes a person commit is they're a grown-up in relationship. They have emotional maturity. Going back to my relationship iceberg, do they have emotional maturity? That's the question you should be asking and that's my invitation for you. So deep diver, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, I just wanna fix this picture. All right, let's see what other questions we have. Nicole, maybe, oops. Let's go swimming, let's go swimming. I saw one from Sal. Okay, bear with me, everyone. It's just this screen kind of hops around. So it's a little bit difficult for me to find the questions. Sometimes you have to post. Nicole says, where are all the good men hiding? Where, Nicole, where are all the good men hiding? Let me tell you the exact same place all good women are hiding. Let me repeat that. It's the exact same place. So do me a favor, Nicole. Tell me exactly where all the good women are hiding for me and you'll have the answer to your question. So I want you to post that in the box. Where are all the good women hiding for Jonathan? Just say, Jonathan, this is where all the good women are hiding and I'll tell you that's where men are hiding. And please don't say they're all hiding in some women's group because then I can just equally say men are all hiding in men's groups. Tell me where good women are and I'll tell you that's where good men are. Thank you so much. Blue-eyed wolf says, if he's scared of commitment, run, run, run. I agree, folks, do not invest time in someone who does not want a fully committed relationship. Bear with me, everyone. I'm just trying to find, let's go swimming. If you have a question, post the word question and then write the question thereafter. All right, Denise writes, Denise, Denise. How to start a conversation on an aiding app with a guy in a unique way instead of saying, how's it going? How do you start a conversation? Love, love, love this question. All right, everybody write this down. The acronym is nice, N-I-C-E, N-I-C-E, N-I-C-E, nice, nice, nice. Okay, the N stands for name. Most dating apps these days, hold on a second, this is my spare phone, most dating apps today or dating sites, most dating apps, dating sites like Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, they all have the person's first name. So start with the person's name, start with the person's name. Hey, Jonathan, really nice to connect with you. Might be one way to start. The I stands for inquisitive. You ask a question, be curious. You might say something like, hey, I'm curious, where did you take that picture where you're wearing a crown? Where did you take that picture where you're wearing a crown? One of my pictures is I'm wearing a king's crown. So you could just simply say, where were you when you took that picture? B inquisitive. The C stands for compliment, compliment. Compliment him on his looks, compliment his entire, compliment him on his profile, compliment him on his words. And then the E stands for enthusiasm, enthusiasm. Throw in an enthusiastic emoji, something that gives energy. Oh, I've got to turn off this phone now. Bear with me a second. So be enthusiastic. Name inquisitive, compliment, enthusiasm. That is a much, this might be this long of a message. I'm gonna tell you something. When I see a message from a woman, she took the time to write something. That's the woman I go, wow, she's got class. The woman who knows how to use the nice acronym, name inquisitive, compliment, enthusiasm. That's a woman who has class. And I'm looking for a classy woman. Are you a classy woman out there? Please let me know. Have you used my nice technique? Please let me know. But that's my invitation for you. So great question. Thank you so much, Denise. Kim says, give us some interesting examples of interesting topics for a first date. So I think a really great topic is asking somebody about something about them that's weird, weird, weird. Okay, ask them something. So first off, it starts off by finding out something weird about yourself. So those who know me know that, at least my circle of friends know this about me, is I hate condiments. I hate condiments. I can't stand ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and relish. So those are the more things. I do like sauces and things, but those are like the horsemen of the apocalypse. The four horsemen of the apocalypse for me. So that's something unique and strange about me. So sometimes just for fun in conversation, when I'm talking to them, I go, hey, can you tell me something strange about you? Something weird or strange, just something for fun. And I'll go, I'll go first and I tell them about this and they'll go, well, how do you eat a hot dog? And I go, plain. I really can't stand those things. And it's a great icebreaker to talk about your peculiarities and things about you that might be a little strange. I'm actually a little bit also impatient. My sons know this about me, is when we went to restaurants, I get so impatient. And by the way, this is a neurotic part of who I am, but I'm vulnerable, I'm authentic, I'm transparent with someone. Now a lot of people will say that makes you less attractive to a human being. Folks, this whole narrative about playing fucking games to be attractive to one another, again, short-term works. I'm talking about going deeper right from the get go. So you might try that one as one example, and I hope that helps. So thanks so much. By the way, I wanna thank Doug for that super sticker, much appreciated. All right, let's go swimming. Wait a minute. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Bear with me, everyone. Michelle says, I have found being vulnerable is working. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you, Michelle, for saying that. All right, bear with me. If you have a question, post the word question. Deep Diver says, how can you regulate your desire for a man, both men, but when both are into each other, but he is scared of commitment. I understand him, but so I need his affection as he does me. Again, coming back to the commitment, if he's, what's for, all right. Then read, listen, Deep Diver, before, again, if you're gonna be fucking each other, folks, then you should be fucking reading this book, okay? I'm sorry, I'm a Puritan. Sex, listen, I've had a lot of one night stands in my life. I'm not proud of it. I've chased women purely for the sex of it. I'm not proud of it. I've been complete, I've done the dysfunctional moonwalk after I've had sex with a woman. I'm not proud of this. It's because I didn't know what the fuck commitment meant and I had no fucking clue about what I wanted after my divorce. Ladies, this is the big percentage of the population. So how do you get a guy on track? You gotta smack him upside the head and you do it by getting two copies of this book and you read it together. And if he's not willing to do it, then he's not your guy. Folks, if he's not, by the way, any guy that's afraid to do this or gives resistance or makes you out to be wrong for wanting this, if a guy makes you out to be wrong for wanting this, watch out because that's Ike Turner. You do not wanna be with a control freak. You do not want, and by the way, I didn't mean that they would be physically abusive. I was being tongue and cheek here. But I'm saying, you do not wanna control freak and any guy that gets turned off by this ain't your guy. And I will tell you, women are now writing me. I mean, I'm getting emails every week from someone saying, Jonathan, I bought two copies of this book and it's really helping us in our relationship. I bought two copies of this book and it's really helping in our relationship. I bought two copies of this book and it's really helping. Folks, start doing the work, stop being so naive. And again, don't be naive to think men are the leaders of the relationship and they're just, you just sit back in your feminine and he'll just cling you. I know, listen, I get I'm kind of obnoxious with this and I'm kind of repetitive, but I'm here to say, when you're dealing with a population of men and women who are rather fucking clueless, it's time to be more intentional. It's time to be more pragmatic. It's time to be, to see the bigger picture. You know, I wanna tell you the story of a woman I dated shortly after my divorce. First woman I really, really deeply cared for right after my divorce. And I was a trainwreck when I met her. I just lost my quarter million dollar a year job. I was doing, I was snorting cocaine just because I was in so much emotional pain. I was drinking quite a bit and I hid it. I mean, I was, I didn't, I did enough cocaine just to get me through the day. I wasn't getting high. I just was needing something to get me through. It's like, you know, like, listen, I'm not saying it's equal to an antidepressant, but it is a chemical to help me not feel so bad. That's what I was doing. And I met this woman, great woman. I mean, just fantastic woman. And I'll never forget, we had, our first date lasted three days. It was one of those, we had sex on the first date and I stayed at her place for three days and it was fantastic. And we began a relationship, but I was such a trainwreck. And she said to me after our first encounter, she said, Jonathan, I have to date you with rose-colored glasses because I know you're a mess. So I know this about you. I'm gonna go against my better judgment. And so we went on to date for three months and sure enough, I completely hit my wall and I did the dysfunctional moonwalk and she understood it. What was so interesting is in our first month of dating was Christmas and for Christmas, she gave me, I'm showing this to you, a box picture frame of rose-colored glasses, a box picture frame of rose-colored glasses. I don't know if you can see that, okay? Well, I'm sharing this with you today is she knew what she was getting into and she knew it was gonna be short-lived and she owned it. And to this day, 15, 16 years later, we're still social friends. We stay connected together through Facebook. She's since got married. She was so there for me when my son passed away. I'm not that we were really two friends after the ending of the relationship, but we stayed acquaintances with one another. My point for sharing this is she was pragmatic about it. She didn't get caught up in the whole chemical reaction and the whole, you know, like, she did not give her power away to me. That's really what she did. She didn't give her power away to me. So for that, one of my best experiences into her, and by the way, I still sometimes think I let the wrong person go. And I really didn't because I wasn't the right person then if she subsequently got married to a great guy. But there is something I will say when a man is a mess, he can't see a high value woman. Thankfully, she saw my value. And while I wasn't a good mate for her, she knew it ahead of time. We make choices so we can learn to grow from all of our experiences. There is no such thing as a failed relationship, only a relationship that may have ended. And she saw that as a learning lesson for her and I saw it as a learning lesson for me well after the fact. Thanks for allowing me to share that story. I really appreciate it. All right, let's find out. If you have a question, post the word question. Here we go, Kimberly writes. Why would a guy I dated a great few months from, wait. Why would a guy I dated a few months from college who talked about me moving to him up and started dating someone else was long distance but I fly free. She's long distance too, narcissist. First off, listen. Lust and limerence, that's the biological thing that happens to men and women is lust and limerence. Lust and limerence does not equal relationship success. Relationship success is built after the chemistry through shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And Kimberly most likely what was lacking there is that blendable lifestyles for the two of you to actually build that deeper friendship. Remember I said intimacy is about friendship. It means social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together and then lastly, emotional maturity. You labeling them a narcissist is actually, I'm gonna judge you for it for a second. Let me reframe that. I'm gonna call you out on that. Let's stop this fucking narrative of putting everybody in the box of a narcissist when it might simply be that they're unconscious to emotional maturity. People that lack emotional maturity aren't narcissists. They're just weak skilled at emotional maturity. Most likely there were childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that wanna unheal. This is why I continually recommend the book The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process to heal childhood wounds and traumas. And that's most likely what's going on for him. And if you wanna do a deeper dive, really ninja level work, then I highly recommend checking out Greg Brown's book called Grounded Spirituality, Grounded Spirituality. This is ninja level spiritual work to get you out of the trappings of our unhealed wounds and traumas. And this might require going to therapy. This might require emotional release work or somatic therapy work, just to name a few. In fact, I'm a big proponent of everybody reading the book by Marianne Williamson called Return to Love, Return to Love. This is a great book to start healing from the inside out. So we can judge the man or ultimately we can go, thank you for this experience. I'm glad I learned, I invite you Kimberly to ask yourself what positive things did you learn about yourself in this experience? What was good and what are you most grateful for? That's my invitation for you. Great question, thank you so much. All right, oops, sorry, this one. Jonathan Bingo, I hate it when everyone is being labeled a narcissist, exactly. Oh, here we go, super sticker, by the way. So from Marcia, I have been having a hard time to find an open-minded guy over 50. They say they are, but when I tell them that I'm an ethical vegan, they scrunch up their faces. I've been learning so much from you, Jonathan. Thank you so much. So thank you for sharing that. I think one of the best ways to determine someone's open-mindedness is to talk about politics, religion, and current events and current affairs. I think you really get a sense of where they stand because here in the United States we are literally divided. It's very sad. It's left and right. It's blue and red. It's black and white. It is so divided here. And I can't begin to tell you how few people seem to have an open mind. So how do you tell someone as an open mind? Is that they listen to your point of view and they accept your point of view as being true for you. Now, you must do the same. So this person who might be a meat eater, by the way, I'm a meat eater. I'm a meat eater. I totally understand ethical vegans, but I'm still not gonna change how I feel about, I love a good prime, a good rib eye steak. Anybody who likes a rib eye steak, please let me know. That's my favorite. I like prime rib too. So I understand ethical and I totally empathize with that too. When I say empathize, I can appreciate it. A true open-minded person listens to your point of view, accepts your point of view as being true for you and you do it for them. That's what open-mindedness is all about. The problem is, is at least here in the United States, we're in power struggles. And this is why a big chunk of relationships never get off the ground because people are stuck trying to be right, proving their point, instead of just understanding from a compassionate place, the other person's point of view. Thank you so much for that super sticker. I really appreciate it. All right. Elaine says, a big hug for you. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. Teresa says, it's hard for me to hold a conversation telepathic. Yes, long distance relationships is that's what it's like. All right, let's see. Oh wait, here we go. Lita says, I'm listening to this and realizing right now I suck at asking the questions necessarily to get what I need in a relationship. When can I schedule a discovery call? Great question. Folks, one of my area of expertise, by the way, there's a link in the description below to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My job, my private coaching is centered around helping you determine true compatibility through my relationship iceberg and then designing questions specific for you to determine if you're compatible with one another and to determine his emotional maturity. By the way, I work with men as well. So if you want to go deeper than the surface then I highly recommend scheduling a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you and that's what I teach you. How to determine true compatibility. How to ask the right questions to see if you're compatible and how to vet for emotional maturity. Check out the link below. All right, Sal says, wait, where's that question, Sal? Okay, here we go. Sal, is it tall, tall? Question, my man has remission MS and it will end up being progressive MS. We will be discussing his coming needs and I'm very willing, supportive and loving of that. What else may I need? Ooh, what else may I need? Sal, it sounds like you're doing what the most loving thing you can be is being supportive of your partner. Here's the thing folks, true love isn't all the good times. True love is wiping the vomit from someone's face when they're going through chemotherapy. True love is being there for your partner when they need you. That's where true love lies. I'm here, you matter, we are important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. From what it sounds like, Sal, you're doing a great job being supportive of your partner. I'm really sorry that he's going through that. Let me rewind that. There are no words to say what he's going through and I only just send him my love and prayers and I send my love and prayers to you as well. Big hugs to you both and it sounds like you're doing a great job. So thank you for the super sticker and thank you for the share, I really appreciate it. On a completely separate note, prime rib rib-eye steak is the best, thank you so much. Vicki says, I love a good rib-eye and sirloin and so does Paula. By the way, I understand there are ethical vegans out there, I understand there are vegetarians. I live in Los Angeles, there's a plethora of them. Folks, listen, none of us live our life in absolute integrity. Let me say, most human beings rarely have lived 100% of their life in absolute integrity. I'm a big proponent rather than focusing on some of the minutia, what's most important, what's in your heart. So I highly recommend reading the book, The Four Agreements, The Four Agreements. The Four Agreements are simply be impeccable with your word, always do your best, never make assumptions and don't allow someone's projection of you to affect how you feel about yourself. In my book, chapter five is, don't let anyone fuck with your chi. By the way, this was basically the same thing, don't let someone's projection of you affect how you feel about yourself. This was actually based on my son, Connor. That's Connor again, the one who passed away. By the way, that's my other son, Colin. By the way, there's him right there. I have a great relationship with Colin, we speak regularly, I'm very blessed. He's a good man, he's started his own tutoring company, by the way, if you need an online tutor to help your children, reach out to me, I'll hook you up with Colin. He graduated magna cum laude, double major, French and English and started his own business. He's a really good young man. But coming back to Connor. Connor had this ability where other people's projection of him, he just like, he just said, I have no time for that shit. He really didn't give his power away to anyone. He really retained his sovereignty. In fact, this book is not only dedicated to him, but it was inspired by him shortly after he passed away. And I'm smiling because, no, I'm sad. I'm smiling because he gave me the courage to do what I'm doing here. He gives me the courage every day. And the reason why I bring him up regularly is to keep him alive in my heart. So folks, I know you might, I've had someone say, all you do is pander your dead son to everybody. I don't pander my dead son to my audience. I talk about my son who passed away because for me, it's important to bring him up. And I know this is a, you're my audience that follows my work and I know I'm here for you, but I'm also sharing a bit of me. And I say this because for me, this is how I keep him alive. And this, the way you've, the way many of you have reached out to me with so much love and compassion towards him, I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. So from the bottom of my heart, Connor can teach you a lot, so check out the book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway. All right, we're gonna take one more question before we wrap up today. You can purchase a super sticker, super chat as well. All right, so, let's see. Nelda says, Coach Jonathan, thank you. QD says, you are allowed to talk about him as many times as you want. You donate money on his behalf. It's a very valid reason to bring him up. Thank you, QD, I appreciate that very much. Nicole says, I appreciate your time with us. Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. Empathy nesting, empty nesting says, I can't imagine how hard this must be. Thank you so much. Jackie says, any insight on the dealing with erectile dysfunction? Purchase a blue pill. I think what you mean is with a man who's going through erectile dysfunction. So, you know, this is a tough one because there's no one size fits all. Every man has his own shame around this. I listen, folks, I need a blue pill. Well, actually it's a white pill now because I get the generic version. And it's just because I want real stiff wood, not weak stiff wood or weak wood. I mean, not that I have deflated wood. It's just not as like as much as I want, so I use it. Each man is different when it comes to this. What's most important is to just energetically be understanding, just be energetically understanding. I had a woman once shamed me because my heart on just wasn't stiff. And she literally said, what's wrong with you? You know, the minute she said that, my penis deflated. I mean, it totally deflated. So rather than say anything, just be compassionate, loving. Quite frankly, there's not much anything anybody can say to make us feel good around the shame it feels to not have the stiffness that we once had when we were younger. Most of the time it's a circulatory issue. I know I have some circulatory problems. So I do my best through exercise and keep up my cardio and such, but just be energetically compassionate. He's gonna find his way through it and hopefully you find a great sex life through it as well. So, Judith, thank you, Jackie, thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's go swimming. All right. Question, do you expect women to be financially secured? Do you wanna provide for them? Are you asking me personally or are you asking about men? For me personally, I wanna be with somebody who can financially take care of themselves. Listen, folks, most of you know I got wiped out in the market crash of 2008 and I went through a divorce. So I mean, not only did I go through a divorce and I lost half of the assets went to her, I then got wiped out with a balance. So for me personally, I want someone who can take care of themselves. And to the extent that I look at it this way, the reality is here in the United States it takes two incomes to make most relationships work. So most women I meet are working and if we pull our resources together, hopefully we make enough to travel the world five times a year, who knows? Anyway, I hope that answered your question. Thank you so much. Kimberly says, Jonathan, I get it. We HV is our memories. My son, Sam would be 11. Big hugs to you, Kimberly. I know you're going through some hardship as well. Thank you so much. Nicole says, I understand a husband a year ago. So I understand thank you so much. All right, I think Rebecca says not too sensitive, LOL, men are becoming weaker and weaker. Sorry to think you see it that way. I'm gonna say women are becoming less and less compassionate than ever before. I don't mean that. I just don't, Rebecca, I'm sorry. I just don't like rhetoric like that because this idea of weak and strong, look it, we're all human beings. That's a judgment and that's almost a criticism. And it's all it does is serve to expand that narrative and make us less connected to one another. Folks, I highly recommend everybody reading the book if the Buddha dated. If the Buddha dated, I highly recommend this book because we've got to stop this narrative about gender divide. Yes, some men are weak, some men are strong, some men are hurting, some men are going through problems. Some women are weak, some women are strong, some women are hurting. It's a human condition. It's not a gender condition. And that's my issue with things like that. So that's just my belief on that one. So thank you so much. Deep Diver says, how do you handle your sexual desires when you are single for a long period of time? Hey, get a friend with benefits. I mean, it's just one option, masturbate a lot. I don't know. Listen, folks, I don't have all the answers. I have lots of opinions, but I don't have all the answers. You've got to come up with these answers for yourself as well. But I'm going to offer my take on that. And that's just my take on that. Find a friend with benefit or masturbate a lot. Or get a hooker or get a male prostitute. I don't know. I'm not suggesting that I'm being tongue and cheek joking. Vicki says, I love that you talk about Connor. Thank you so much. Surer says, thanks for the book advice. You're very welcome. Victoria says, amen, Jonathan. Blue Eyed Wolf, wait, where did Blue Eyed Wolf says, I haven't dated in 10 years. Just curious, if you haven't dated in 10 years, why are you on my channel? Just curious. Victoria, amen, Jonathan. Carrie says, don't give up, Nicole. All right, we're going to take our last question of the day. Where is it? Let's go swimming, let's go swimming. All right, this is the last question of the day. Elaine, what is your opinion about dating a married man whose wife has been in memory care for six years? That's an interesting question. So I've got mixed feelings about that. I mean, if someone's in memory care, I mean, which I'm assuming is Alzheimer's and whatnot, as far as dating that person, is so long as I think he's clean with his wife, so long as he's clean with her, not that she needs to know because she's gonna forget. You know, actually he could just sit there and tell his wife, this is crappy for me to laugh. Hey, listen, I'm dating someone and then she'll forget it. So at least you came clean. So long as he feels clean with what he's doing, just remember this, a lot of men deeply love their spouse and it's very hard for them to engage in someone new, but they want companionship, connection and sex with someone, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's capable of going the distance. So just know this, you might be just like this woman, Jonathan, I date you with rose color glasses, just like that woman who dated me with rose color glasses. Just know this, you might be dating someone who's incapable of going deeper. So you have to make that choice for yourself, but so long as he feels clean about it, then do what you want. Everybody's a grown up here, we're grown ups. We can make up grown up choices. All right, oh my gosh, you know what? These were great questions. Everybody, I wanna thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, just to remind you the most powerful way to get a guy closer to you. Intimacy, into me you see, which requires deeper friendship in the relationship and how you build deeper friendship is learning how to be a conversational or how to have conversational competence. And just as a reminder, the two books to order to get conversational competence is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and How to Win and Influence Friends by Dale Carnegie. All right, folks, I think this will be a great place to wrap up those who know me know. First off, please hit that like button to let me know you liked it. Purchase a super sticker, super chat before you wrap up. Please tell your friends about my channel. Please send my videos to your friends. I'd be really, truly grateful and would appreciate it. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video as we always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow, and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now, bye-bye.