 I want to share with you my story. I'm hoping that in you hearing my story, you will have a better understanding of how to help others like myself. There are a number of us out there who experience or struggle with same-sex attractions. We aren't the loud voices that you see often in the media today. We are often the quiet voices that come to you in the confessional or spiritual direction. Many of us feel isolated and alone. We often struggle with shame and think we have sinned simply because we struggle with the attraction itself. Our culture loudly screams that the church's teachings on homosexuality are harmful and cause emotional pain. Many of us with same-sex attraction who live or attempt to live a chaste life are ridiculed for doing so. We are told that living a chaste life is impossible and that we need to just accept our LGBT identity since God created us this way. Living a chaste life is not impossible and it's not harmful. Of all people, you all know that. Our God is a God of hope, truth, and love. Each of you know this or you wouldn't be here in your vocation. My hope is that you will walk away from this talk with some ideas and how you can help bring this hope, truth, and love to Catholics and Christians who experience same-sex attraction. These men and women aren't getting this hope in our culture and unfortunately they're not getting it in some of our churches as well. Ever since I can remember, way before I even knew what sex was, I was attracted to the same gender and I used to view this as proof that I was not only gay but I was born this way because it happened at such a very early age. Now I have learned that I'm not gay and that this attraction starting at a very early age was not proof that I was born this way. There are other reasons that explain why I experienced this attraction but I'm getting ahead of myself so allow me to tell you my story and when I'm done I'm then going to give you some concrete examples on how you can help those that you minister to with same-sex attraction. I come from a family of four. My dad, my mom, and my sister Darlene. My mom and I were always close and my sister, well her and I didn't get along at first as kids but in high school we became really good friends. My dad and I though we didn't get along too well. He was an alcoholic and he did often physically and emotionally abuse me. There were times that he would try to teach me those things that he loves working on cars, carpentry, building things with wood, doing landscaping outside but he would always lose patience with me and then scream obscenities at me and call me names. My dad wasn't into sports so I didn't learn any of that and then I had to go to school and in school, in gym class, that's when I found out that I am not like everyone else in regards to sports. I was made fun of for throwing like a girl. I was usually one of the last picked for team sports. Those that ended up having me on their team made it very clear that they didn't want me there and that I wasn't like them. I did not belong. All of this, all of this fed in so much shame inside me. I felt so different. Why would I share those two examples with you because, so you can see the pattern. Everything about masculinity terrified me. I hated it between my dad and then my male peers. I didn't like what I saw. I shared with you that the attraction has been there ever since I can remember. Well, in puberty, that attraction became sexualized and then it really got bad because I felt so, so very different and I felt like a freak. Now high school for me would have been the 70s. I graduated in 1980. So it was a whole different thing that it is today, right? I mean, there was no TV shows or anything. There was one show, Soap, Billy Crystal. That was it pretty much. We didn't see anything like we see now. So I really felt very, very isolated and alone. I was often bullied and I have a memory of to give you an example of what this was like in high school for me. I remember being in the classroom and as the teacher would turn around and right on the chalkboard behind me were a couple guys that would drop me on the back of my head and go fag, fag it, fag. All of this kept making me feel worse about who I was and maybe they were right because there certainly was very different. One more example, Jim in ninth grade. I was really happy to find out I only had one more gym to take in high school. That was it because I at this point puberty was happening and I was terrified. So in ninth grade Jim we had to dress in shorts and to be a part of this but I did not want to have anything to do with that locker room. I'm telling you it terrified me. I was so afraid that they were going to see this big secret that I'm one of them. I was terrified that the very thing that they've been calling me they would have proof of somehow. I don't have a reason for that logic but that's what I was thinking. So what did I do? One of the stupidest things I ever did. I didn't participate. I just sat there on the bleachers and guess what I failed ninth grade Jim. Then I had to take the whole thing all over again. This time with students younger than me I want to know what is his problem that he failed Jim. So as you can tell I hated high school. I felt very alone and I couldn't wait until I was 18 because at this point I identified as gay and I couldn't wait to finally meet other people like me. And that's exactly what I did at 18 that weekend I went to my first gay bar and at first it was exhilarating. I felt like I could finally be myself but you know what it was so surface. It was fun at first but it was so surface. And I found myself being promiscuous without even really meaning to be. You see I had always heard the other girls talk about the night and shining armor. I wanted that too. I wanted a guy to come and save me to help me to love me. I wanted that so bad. I couldn't find it and the depression that I experienced in high school just worsens for me in the bars and it turned more to sex and to alcohol and to drugs. Now there were several times that I would go to retreats and then I would come to God and I'd be on this emotional high but it only lasted about three months because I was looking for God to replace those emotional. I was looking for him to replace the highs that I was getting from sex and alcohol. Why? Because I was in so much pain. That's why I was turning to all of this. And I wanted God to take away that pain and I was looking for that emotional high. So obviously the emotional high doesn't last long after retreat so after about three months I would end up going back into the life and would get even deeper into sin. And that happened several times because I didn't understand. I didn't understand my faith or for example the true presence of Jesus Christ in the holy Eucharist. Well things I thought couldn't get worse but they did. My sister who I had become very close to died at the age of 21. The pain I had gone through when I was young was nothing compared to this. And when I finally worked through it I started to face my own mortality. I was the one who was slowly killing himself, not her. There had to be something more about God. There had to be. So at that point I decided to build a foundation. Find out who is he and I'm just going to stop everything. And it worked. For five and a half years I stopped sex and all those things and alcohol and drugs. I even verbally forgave my dad. So awesome. Amazing things were happening. But you know what? And this part was edited out of the third way because of time. So this is an important piece I want you to hear. Even though those amazing things were happening for five and a half years I felt such a deep emotional pain. Why? Because I begged God for a cure every single day. Now we are biological sexual beings right? That's the way we're made. We experience sensations in our bodies. That's how we're made. And that's actually to draw us towards marriage, right, between a man and a woman. Well here I am trying to live a chaste life. And I'm seeing a guy who's really, you know, I'm walking around my own business and I see a guy in the grocery store really good looking and all of a sudden my heart's going like this. Lord please take this away I don't want it. And I see another one. Palms are getting sweaty. I'm getting nervous. Those reactions in my body are happening. And I am internalizing all of it thinking I'm this evil, horrible person. Because it's not going away. Some people said, David maybe you're not praying hard enough. Or maybe there's some other thing you haven't asked for forgiveness of. Another friend said, David maybe, maybe God isn't taking this away because maybe there's nothing wrong. And I thought, well maybe she's right. So I went back to it thinking I could do it right this time. No I didn't. Couldn't. But, but God did show me some truths about what love is. Love isn't an emotional high like I thought it was. No, it's a commitment. It's hanging in there even when you don't want to. That's when love grows. So amazing healings started to happen. But before that even occurred, I really always struggled with this whole thing of I didn't ask for this. I never wanted it. I didn't choose this. And one day I really felt God say to my heart, David, yes you didn't choose this. But you can choose whether or not you act on it. And it was at that moment I felt like I was empowered. I have a choice. And I opened up the catechism for the first time and I felt so much peace. This was a cross and we all have crosses to carry. So from that point on I didn't ask for a cure. Instead I wanted to know who is this God and what is my Catholic faith? What is that? And so I started growing and learning and focusing there. Then I come here to Franciscan University in 2004 and I thought it was to get a degree. I didn't realize that I'd also get a lot of healings because I wasn't asking for them anymore. But then I met some Catholic men who I became friends with and I asked them, it took courage to do this, but I asked, hey, can you show me how to throw, how to hit, how to catch? And they did. I got to tell you, I had no idea that there really is a way that you're supposed to hold a ball. No wonder I was growing like a girl, right? I didn't know this. So then we started playing. We had graduate, non-traditional student softball games every Sunday and I started doing that and I started getting confidence. One of the best healings though that I ever received from God, I know, I don't have a lot of time to go in a lot of the healings, but this one I want to share with you is I shared with you that whole locker room thing and so at one point I went to the gym. I was terrified and I'm thinking, oh gosh, I'm going to walk in this locker room and you know, and they're going to go, what the heck are you doing here? Get out of here. And that makes no sense, I'm sure, but you know what, honestly, I really, that's what it felt like inside. It was a panic, oh my gosh, I don't fit in here, I don't belong. Guess what? Men in there talked to me in the locker room, like whoa, and I found out that I do belong. Now it had been years and I got to tell you this is something that you know I still have to keep working on. I quit smoking by his grace back in 2005, but gained a lot of weight. I have body images, so I haven't been to a gym in a while and lately I went again and I had to face that once again, but I got to tell you I'm so grateful to God because I now know, I go in there, I do belong in there, and I am masculine. I never saw that as a kid. I now see that I am a man, I see that I am David, a Catholic man, and all of that is from God. Thank you. Thank you God. Now for this next section, I want to address some ways in which you can help those you minister to. My hope is that you're going to leave this talk with three important things that you're going to take with you that you can give to those that you serve who either experience seeing such attraction or have loved ones that do. These three important gifts are one, truth, two, authentic love, three, hope and encouragement. Allow me to break these down and give you some concrete examples on how to bring these valuable gifts to others with same-sex attractions. First, I'm going to address aspects of bringing the gift of truth. Now it's no secret that truth is really hard to find in our culture, right? In fact, truth today is viewed strongly as being relative. My truth is my truth. Your truth is your truth. There is no objective truth. So when it comes to topics such as homosexuality, there can be so much confusion, and there are many in our church, as you know, who are also confused about the truth as well. But truth is not relative. As you know, there is an objective truth. Our church's teachings are based on this objective truth. It's not politically correct, right? But it is objective truth. Although many view the church as hating homosexuals, you know, when I sat down and read the catechism that I told you about, I didn't see hate. I saw three things. Truth, hope, love. I invite you. Read it again. Read it tonight. Look at it. You're going to see it too. Truth, hope, love. That's what's there in the catechism regarding same-sex attraction. Now, we're not going to be liked by many people for speaking the truth. Jesus wasn't liked by many people for speaking the truth, and we are asked by Jesus to pick up our cross and follow Him. The first time that I heard that masturbation was a grave sin, I got to tell you, I got really upset and very angry. I thought the person who told me this was lying to me. But then I found out that he was right, that it is a serious sin, a teaching of the church. And then I got even more angry. I didn't like it. I needed to hear it. Once I heard it, I then wrestled with it. And then I wrestled with it again. Then I even wrestled with it again until finally I conceded. And I realized that I was wrong. And it was at this point that I could finally ask God for help. And it was at that point that my heart opened up to His grace, but I needed to hear it first. We need to hear the truth. When I was 21, about 21 years of age, I went to a priest for help with same-sex attractions. He told me that I could be in a relationship with a man and have sex as long as I loved him. I asked him about the scriptures that condemn the acts of homosexuality. He told me that there were many laws in Leviticus that were there to protect us back in biblical times, but are not applicable to us now in our culture. He gave examples of not eating pork and how we can do that now and several other things. And he told me that homosexuality was forbidden because we needed to procreate back then, but now it's not as important because there are parts of the world where there's overpopulated. I want to read something from a beautiful article called Seven Things I Wish My Pastor Knew About Homosexuality by Jean C. Lloyd, and it's found in the public discourse online. Quote, continue to love me, but remember that you cannot be more merciful than God. It isn't mercy to affirm same-sex acts as good. Practice compassion according to the root meaning of compassion. Remember with me, don't compromise truth. Help me to live in harmony with it. I want to read that last part again. Don't compromise the truth. Help me to live in harmony with it. Now when the priest told me this thing, that it was okay, I ignored the knowing feeling in my heart that it was wrong, and I tried to believe him, and as a result, I continued to keep doing what I was doing, and guess what, I kept getting more and more miserable. Years later, when I learned the truth and how to live in harmony with it as Jean beautifully described, I was no longer miserable. In fact, I remember a very, very liberal friend of mine said to me after I had stopped living the gay life for a while, she said, David, I can't believe how much better you are. Now, you know I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay, but for you, this thing you're doing, it's working. You are so peaceful now. In regards to truth, there's another topic that I'm often asked about, and I'm sure all of you are as well. Why does a church use objectively disordered in the catechism when describing the acts of homosexuality? There's so much confusion on this, and I found the answer in the 2006 USCCB document, Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination. I know that all of you know the answer to this, but this document says it so beautifully, and I have met priests that didn't know about this document, so I just want to bring it up because I think it beautifully addresses what is meant by that wording. The document is on the resource sheet that I have for you. It can be found at the USCCB website. Quote, the homosexual inclination is objectively disordered, i.e. it is an inclination that predisposes one toward what is truly not good for the human person. Of course, heterosexual persons not uncommonly have disordered inclinations as well. It is not enough for a sexual inclination to be heterosexual for it to be properly ordered. For example, any tendency toward sexual pleasure that is not subordinated to the greater goods of love and marriage is disordered, in that it inclines a person towards a use of sexuality that does not accord with a divine plan for creation. Later it goes on to say, and I really love this little line here, it's so important, Quote, it is crucially important to understand that saying a person has a particular inclination that is disordered is not to say that the person as a whole is disordered. The next area of truth I want to address in ways that you can give this gift to those that you serve is the problem of identity. Many Catholics and Christians refer to homosexuality as same-sex attraction, and there is a reason for this. Using words such as gay, lesbian, or even homosexual, they are labels, they insinuate an identity. Now there are some Catholics who have identified themselves as gay and lesbian, and they are living chaste lives. Praise God, it's great that they are living a chaste life, and I know that God is using them to bring his children home to him. At the same time, I do disagree with the concept of same-sex attraction being an identity. Although it's homosexuality has been around for thousands of years, it was never seen as an identity until fairly recently. In fact, the term homosexual was created in the 19th century. Similar to this, homosexuality was only seen as a behavior, not a type of person. Now there are some dangers in claiming this as an identity. First is a lie. One is not a same-sex attraction. One experiences same-sex attraction. Medinger in Same-sex Attraction, a parent's guide, writes that if an individual accepts this as an identity, a number of beliefs which are untruths tend to follow this, I must have been born this way. Well, if I was born that way, then God made me this way. If God made me this way, well, how can there be anything wrong with it? It's my nature, and I must be true to my nature. Well, if it's my nature, then I can't change. And if I try to change, I would be trying to go against my nature, and that would be harmful. Accepting myself as gay feels so good, I feel like a thousand-pound load has been lifted off my back, so it must be okay. If people can't accept my being gay, something is wrong with them. If people can't accept my being gay, then they don't accept me, because that's who I am. When I read all this in his article, I was floored because I believed every single one of those deep down within my own core, and this made it very difficult for me to see the truth. Now, I believe this concept of a gay identity has made its way into our church, and it's affecting us in a negative way in two different ways. First, there are those within the church who are using this concept of identity to change the church. They're attempting to make changes, and I'm sure you all are aware of that, but there's another thing. There are faithful priests, religious, and leaders who are in the church who have accepted this concept that same-sex attraction is an identity, and as a result, they don't encourage those struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction that want to live according to the church's teaching. They don't encourage them to get any help, because it's said to be harmful, and that people can't change or get any type of healing or any type of peace. Our identity isn't about what gender that we're attracted to. Our identity is in Christ. We are men and women created in the image and likeness of God. That is our identity. We are children of the Heavenly Father, and the church calls all of us, each and every one of us. It doesn't matter if we experience same-sex attraction, opposite-sex attraction, whether we're married, single, in a relationship, celibate, a priest, a deacon, or a seminarian. It doesn't matter. We're all called to chastity. I want to recommend some good articles that go into the problem of an LGBT identity. The first is, an article by Alan Medinger that I referred to is in this book, Same-Sex Attraction, a Parents' Guide, and this is actually edited by the late Father John Harvey, who was one of the co-founders of courage that Father Cech mentioned. This is actually one of my favorite books. I think there's awesome articles in this. Another article, Daniel Metzen, he recently wrote one of the best articles that I've read on this topic, and it's in this book, Living the Truth in Love, and this is edited by Father Paul Cech and Dr. Janet Smith. Both of these books are available in the bookstore, and one that I didn't really refer to, but it is on the resource sheet. Here's another one. I believe this is the last one that Father John Harvey had written, a really good one. It's clear answers to difficult questions, homosexuality in the Catholic Church, 110 questions and answers, very good. One more piece about truth that I just want to address. During my testimony, I spoke about that we are biological sexual beings, right? I mean, that's, we're human, so we're going to experience things. Be aware of that. If you're speaking to someone, and they're talking about that, let them know the truth. Let them know that this is, just because they have a tingle, it's not a sin. The sensations aren't a sin, it's what are they going to do with those sensations? Are they going to act on them? Sometimes we can get caught up in our pain, and we can think that that is sin, or that we're evil or horrible. So if you come across that, whether it's just you're speaking to someone, or if you're a priest in the confessional, that's another thing you could do, is help them see the truth with that. Now, we took a look at truth. Now, I want to address the other gift, the second one, authentic love. Now, I'm going to speak generally for a moment here. Many individuals with same-sex attractions have father wounds, and I'm not saying everyone dies, but many do. And remember, wounds occur when one perceives, when one perceives that they're being hurt. The key word here is perceives. I want to address those of you who are priests, and also those who are planning to be priests. It is so difficult to understand the unconditional, authentic love of the Heavenly Father when one has wounds either from earthly fathers or father figures. And this can be a barrier, since it's hard for us to trust in something that we've been hurt by or we just don't understand. Those of you who are priests or are planning to be priests, you have an opportunity to show us, even if it's just a microscopic view of what the Heavenly Father's love is like for us. Remember, many of us have few examples of this. Well, how can you do this? First, your vocation automatically puts you right in that role. You are father to us. Now, I have seen some really cool examples of earthly fathers at amusement parks or other places with their kids. I'm sure you've seen it too, right? Where they're really interacting with their kids, you know? I've seen them accepting their child, affirming their child, being real with their child, using humor positively in a good way, not a sarcastic way. I've seen them correcting them in a loving way with truth. I've seen them affirming even their masculinity or their femininity. And I don't know about you, but when I see this, oh, wow, I get so moved. And I feel so much joy for that child that they can actually experience that. I didn't get that. And I wish I did, but I'm so grateful to see really good fathers out there who aren't afraid to love their kids. It's just a little sliver, a little piece of what Heavenly Father's love is like for us. And all of you priests, you can reflect this. And many of you already have, and you don't even realize it. So first, I want to thank you for your yes. How do you do it? Where did you do it? Well, in the confessional. You know, we Catholics are not necessarily confessing our sins to the priest. We are confessing to God. You are standing in the place of God for us, the Heavenly Father. You have a unique opportunity to show us the love of the Heavenly Father. I ask God for the wisdom to know how to reflect this since each person's different. I cannot tell you what it has meant to me. I have had numerous priests throughout the years say some things to me, where it went right here, right into my heart about how God loves me, or something like that. Oh, wow, that is so powerful. Conrad Bars, Dr. Conrad Bars, speaks about affirmation. And he defines affirmation as a parent being present to their child and allowing themselves to be moved, to be moved emotionally, to be moved by the goodness of that child. And then conveys that message to the child in such a way that the child knows in their heart that they are good and that they are loved. What you have the opportunity to do. You have the opportunity to do this in confession. You have the opportunity to do this in many other ways. Because it's not just the confessional that you can be a father to us. It's in spiritual direction, homilies. It's when you give us the holy Eucharist. It's when you read the gospel during Mass. You have many opportunities to reflect the Heavenly Father's love for us. How else can you show the love of the Father? Well, there are many scripture verses that speak on the Father's love for us, right? What are your favorite ones? What are those verses that speak to your heart that you really love, that speak of God's love for us? Share them with us. Show us that God the Father loves us. That he loves us more than we could possibly ever understand. Men and women with same-sex attractions, they need to hear this. Often, we might be caught up in our own pain or think that our struggle is a punishment or that we're not doing something right. Help us see the truth. Help us see that God does love us and that he'll never, ever, ever abandon us. Now, this leads me to the third final gift that I want to talk to you about, that you can bring to those you minister who have same-sex attraction. And this final gift that I want to speak of is hope and encouragement. Many of us with same-sex attraction, who are either living chastely or attempting to do so, as I mentioned earlier, we're told that we're harming ourselves and that we should just accept our LGBT identity. We're not going to get that hope from the culture and we're not going to get that encouragement from the culture. We need to hear that chastity is possible. We need to hear that chastity is good. We need to know that the church isn't asking us to do something unreasonable or unachievable like the rest of society keeps telling us. We need to be told that we can do this. We aren't going to get it from the culture. Now, when looking back, I think it would have been helpful for me if some priests or deacons told me some of the stories of saints who had obtained chastity after living a life of sexual sin or maybe referring some readings on that. You are in a unique position. You, of all people, know that chastity is not only possible but it's fulfilling and it's good. It's not just for priests. In fact, all of us, as you know, are called to chastity. Tell us this. Let us know that we're not being asked to do anything that no one else is. Even married people are called to chastity. There's another way to express hope and encouragement. Sometimes it's hard to live the Christian life, right? It doesn't matter what the crosses or struggles are. We don't have to walk it in isolation. Another way that you can offer hope and encouragement is to refer them to Courage International. The website is listed on the resource list and it's easy to remember, couragerc.org. All the courage chapters are listed there and individuals can see if there's one close to them. If there isn't, there's an email to serve that they can get hooked up with and at least meet some people by email and know that they're not alone. Another option is to attend the annual conference, which is coming up. It's coming up very soon, actually, in a couple months. I only have one word to say about the Courage Conference, but before I tell you what that word is, let me say it is for those with same-sex attraction. It is for families and loved ones that experience same-sex attraction, and it's also for priests and deacons and those that minister to those with same-sex attraction. So what's that one word? Amazing. Oh my gosh. Go. If you can go, go. You will not be sorry. I'm telling you. It is so inspirational. And you're gonna see it right there, right? You're gonna see the work of God right there, right? I'll stop. I'll stop. I'm not a priest, I can't preach, but we consider it. It's really cool. All right, so the Courage website also has so many resources. So many resources. It's filled with testimonies, articles, films, movies. It's got a lot of the talks from past conferences right there for you to watch. There is so much there available at your fingertips to help you as a priest or a deacon or a seminarian. But it's also wonderful to just let those that you're serving know about, because there's so much there for them as well. So you have heard my story. And the truth is, it's not my story. It's his story. And before I leave you, I just want to address one more thing. It takes much courage for someone to come to you for help regarding same-sex attraction, whether it's for themselves or even if it's family members. They're stigma because of secrets and shame and all this. But there's also another reason that keeps people from coming to you for help. Many of us have been hurt by turning to those who don't embrace all the teachings of the church. And as a result, we don't know who to trust. The challenge for you, for each of you, is to convey to us through your ministry that if we come to you, we will receive truth, authentic love, hope, and encouragement. And if you are able to do this, then those of us that need to speak to someone just might come to you. So I invite you, fathers, deacons, and seminarians, to think about and pray about ways in which you can convey truth, authentic love, hope, and encouragement in your ministry. Thank you. God bless you.