 is lying ever okay? Well, that's exactly what we're going to be talking about in this video, so make sure that you stay tuned. What is up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul, where we talk about the problem, but focus on the solution. And this is another mental health book review. I've been really getting into Sam Harris lately, it has a very short book, very short book called lying. Okay, like it's so short that I got the audible version and it's like an hour and 15 minutes, and it's only five bucks. So it is definitely worth your time. So in this book, he talks about, is it morally or ethically ever right to lie? All right, so it's a great, great, great, great book that you need to check out. All right. So as you can see, I'm kind of excited and all jazzed up about this. This is a topic that I am so, so passionate about. And the reason being, for over 20 years of my life, lying was probably the biggest part of my personality. So if you're the child of an alcoholic or addict parent, one of the key symptoms of children of alcoholic or addict parents is that we lie when it would often be easier to just tell the truth. It's part of our DNA, I'll make more videos about why that happens. But I was constantly lying most of my life. Not only was it causing more suffering to myself and my mental health, but it was also increasing the suffering of everybody around me. Since working on my mental health for the last six years or so, it has been so important for me to tell the truth as much as possible. I would be lying to you right now if I told you that I've been 100% truthful all the time, but it is close to, I'd say 90 to 95%. There are still parts of my character that spring up every now and then. For example, I was just at the gym and I was actually listening to this book while at the gym and my best friend, he was calling me and I sent him one of those quick reply messages on the iPhone and it said, can't talk right now. I'm working. I'll call a text you later. But I replied afterwards and I was like, Hey, man, I'm at the gym. I just did a quick reply. You know what I mean? So if I do catch myself being untruthful, like 99% of the time I'm being honest, but this book helped open my eyes about the other little aspects that I can really work on to improve my mental health. And this is 100% a mental health issue. I've done another video, which I will link up in the info card about how lying actually fuels your anxiety, like real quick recap on it. When you tell a lie, you build up your own stress about are you going to get found out lying can also fuel depression. One of the symptoms of depression is a lot of negative self talk. So for example, if you're someone who is constantly lying and deceiving people, you are going to beat yourself up and say, I'm no good. I am not a good person. I'm constantly lying. Fun fact, I make half as much money as I used to make because I got out of the sales industry. I knew that I could not do that job and support myself as well as my son. If I was being honest all the time in that industry. So this is very, very important. I knew that it would make me depressed. It would make me anxious. And for me as a recovering drug addict, that can lead me right back to addiction. So before I jump further into this book, I really, really hope two things. One is that you pick up this book, either the audible version or the book copy. Okay. The second thing is, please share this video, please share this video so we can work on creating more honest people and have better communication, better relationships and all that good stuff. All right. So I'm going to dive into a few topics from this book. First and foremost, let's talk about what is a lie. Sam Harris defines a lie as to intentionally mislead others when they expect honest communication. So he goes into a few different topics about telling the truth and being truthful, the difference between those two things. He also talks about secrets, being different than honesty. He also talks about the difference between being deceitful and lying. Okay. Like there's some little nuances in there that I think are very interesting topics that he covers in this book. Real quick disclaimer, before I jump into a few of the examples, Sam Harris does a great job of saying, even though it is morally correct to be honest as much as possible, you don't got to be a jerk about it. Okay. So I know people immediately are going to be like, wow, that would be rude to say that. He gives plenty of examples on how to be honest without hurting the other person's feelings or minimizing the hurt that may be inflicted. So the first one, let's cover, let's cover the white lie to a friend and more specifically, let's talk about not being truthful about their skills or their abilities by telling a lie. You're withholding the person's ability to either a improve upon their skills or abilities or be completely switched paths. This is something I always have to do. Let's reverse the seats real quick. What I want a bunch of people telling me that my YouTube videos are amazing. If they sucked, I might spend so much time and effort on this YouTube channel, get no following at all, and be completely confused because nobody was telling me the truth about my skills and abilities on YouTube. Now I'm also a writer. If you didn't know, I got a couple books up in the Kindle store. Now, what if nobody ever told me that I'm a terrible writer? This could lead to me spending countless, countless hours. Some authors spend a ton, a ton of time on their books. And when they're requesting feedback from friends, colleagues, family members, if they're being lied to, when we publish that book, we might face a ton of criticism. And in some cases, we might ruin our reputation because we say things in the wrong way. By the way, this is why you have an editor. You see what I'm saying? Like, we can waste countless hours if people aren't honest with us about our skills and our abilities. Sure, it might hurt at first, but what's the alternative? Would I rather keep people in my life who I know are lying to me constantly? What else are they lying to me about? Can I ever value their opinion? And this could be rough. Like my girlfriend, she is an amazing artist, by the way, follow her on Instagram. And sometimes she'll ask me what I think about her artwork. And the other day she actually asked me, I'm just like, Oh, you know, like, I think the proportion on the head is a little bit off. But here's where you keep yourself out of trouble. Like, I am not necessarily her target audience either. Like I am not somebody who values art as much as some people. So what I often tell people, especially when they ask me for honest feedback about their craft, is I say that I might not be the best judge of this specific scenario. But when you keep people around who are honest with you, it actually improves a relationship because here's the reason why. Here is the reason why that I can't stress enough. When that person gives you praise, you know they're being honest with you. Like, for example, I make sure to go out of my way to praise my girlfriend when she makes stunning art that actually I'm just like, Whoa, like I tell her I'm jealous of her abilities. And half the time she's like, Oh, I didn't even really like that one. You know, same thing happens to me when you all actually like a video that I didn't think much of. But I give praise left and right. And it lifts people's spirits up because they know that I'm always being truthful with them. Next, should you ever lie about an illness to your friends and family members? If you're somebody who has lost somebody in your life, maybe it's your parents, grandparents, friends, whoever it is, if you've lost anybody to an illness that you did not see coming that they knew about, you already know the answer to this question. I've personally been dealing with this with my own father. He's had some health issues since last year. Last year, the day of my birthday, he had an open heart surgery and ever since then, like myself, my sister, my family, we've all kind of been on edge. My dad has this ability to minimize everything. Okay. And I told him flat out. I'm like, Listen, all I ask is that you be honest with me. Like, I'd rather you tell me if your health is deteriorating than the hurt that I would feel by being completely caught off guard from you dying. And you knew that this was coming, but you didn't tell me. When we lie to our loved ones about our health issues, we are denying them the ability to show us love and affection. We are stripping them of that right. And now the worst question of them all that we all get at some point or another, do I look fat? Now, Sam Harris brings up an excellent point when discussing this one. He talks about like the chances are that you know your audience, you know your audience very well. What I mean by that is chances are you're not just walking down the street and some random stranger's going to be like, do I look fat? Like that never happened. So think about who your audience is. For example, is it your wife or husband, boyfriend, girlfriend? Is it one of these people? Okay, something I often try to do is like ask like, what's the root? What's the root of this question? Are they just asking me if I love them? Are they asking me if I love them unconditionally? Right? Are they asking me if I'm attracted to them? Or are they asking because they've had some health issues lately or the doctor said something? You know what I'm saying? Like this helps me gauge my response to it. And like, for example, like going back to this whole role reversal thing, like if anybody, if anybody on planet Earth ever came up to me and said, Chris, you're not overweight, I would never, ever, ever, ever trust a single word that came out of their mouths. Like they are blatantly lying to your face. And as humans, we wonder what else are they lying about? Again, disclaimer, when answering this question, honestly, you don't have to be a jerk about it. Another person who might ask you this, is it like a friend, right? Is it a friend? Is it a family member? You know them very well. Is this somebody who is desperately looking for a relationship? Are they on the path to trying to get married and start a family? And are they asking you, does this outfit make me look fat? Right? Well, again, going back to the skills and abilities question on, should you lie to them? Like, are you going to let your friend walk out in public looking awful when they're trying to find a potential partner? Are you really helping them or are you hurting them in this situation? But another way of talking to somebody about this is like this. Hey, it's completely up to you on who you're looking for. Yes, there are men or women who prefer a different type of physique than what you have. So if you're looking for that type of person, then yeah, maybe you might want to lose some weight. But, but I'm all about that empowerment, though. Like, I tell people straight up, I'm like, listen, there are people who might like your size, right? Like, that's totally correct. And like real talk, if you are looking for somebody who is purely only going to date you based on your weight, maybe they aren't the best person for you. You know what I'm saying? So I'm very honest when it comes to even the topic of weight, and these are ways that you can talk about it in a safe way. And is the person talking to you or asking you about your weight, because they're trying to get a beach body? You know what I'm saying? Like, again, are they looking for a potential mate? I'd also ask like, are they comfortable with their body? Because, you know, truth be told, if they're comfortable with their body, do your thing, go flaunt yourself on the beach or at the pool. Like, it's that simple. Like, are you happy with you? Like, if anybody ever asks me about weight, it's like, are you comfortable with yourself? If not, if you're not comfortable going out in, you know, a bikini or a Speedo, or even like a bathing suit, then yeah, maybe you should lose some weight. So lastly, when is it morally okay to lie? Basically, what I love about this book is Sam Harris literally suffocates every excuse to lie, except in two scenarios. The first one is like a life and death situation. Okay? Like, if you're in war, or if like a murderer is in your house, or like just crazy scenarios like that, right? Like, yes, then it's okay to lie to preserve life. The other example that he talks about is, if you lie, would it do more harm than good? And the example given in this book is, say a guy cheated on his wife years ago, okay? He stopped the affair. Everything with his wife and his children is going great. And now he wants to be honest. Should he tell his wife about the affair? The answer being no, okay? Reason being is because a lot of people can be affected. Two marriages are involved, right? That person's as well as the person he had an affair with. Also, the kids' lives are involved too. So this is something I often teach my clients too, because sometimes we tell the truth just to clear our own conscience, and we don't think about the damage it can do to other people. If any of you are familiar with step nine from 12 Step Programs, you know a lot more about this subject. And basically what Sam Harris says as an answer to this is, if this is the new way of living that you're trying to have, start moving forward, okay? Moving forward with this honesty. So he also covers a variety of other topics in this book. Like, is it okay to lie to children? Should you lie at job interviews when you're desperate for a job? And a really interesting one I found is, should you lie to somebody about throwing them a surprise party? This was very, very interesting. I really enjoyed his answer on this one. So Sam basically says the golden rule, this is the golden rule that I stand by as well is, if the rules were reversed, would you rather the truth be told to you or a lie? If you use that as your North Star or your rule of thumb, you will be set up for success and better relationships with others as well as yourself and your mental health. Again, please share this video. Please share this video so other people can start reevaluating the way they look at lying. Even white lies, okay? And if you want to check out this book, it's down in the description below along with my entire mental health reading list, all right? But here's the question of the day. I think this will be fun. Sam Harris did this at the end of his book. And this is something I do with my clients. Leave comments down below. I want you to give me scenarios in which you think it's okay to lie in. Let's discuss. I'm really interested to see what you all said. But anyways, anyways, thank you so much for watching. If you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up. And if you are new here, I'm always making videos to help you out with your mental and emotional health. Click that little route subscribe button right there. If you want to check out some other videos on this channel, you can click or tap on one of those thumbnails, okay? So again, thanks so much for watching. Quit lying today, and I'll see you next time.