 Hey everybody it's Jo and my rats are drinking very loudly in the background and I keep waiting for them to stop to start this video but that's not gonna happen so we're just gonna start. I just finished filming a video about the whole story of how I lost my leg and the moment that kind of got me when I was talking about this whole story was the moment that I showed up to the hospital to actually have my leg amputated and I wanted to expel on that a little bit further. One of the first videos I released on this channel was the day before my amputation surgery. I talked about how there are not many moments in your life that you get to know there's going to be a before and an after. I'm sure most people watching this have moments like that in your life where everything changes where you view your life through the lens of oh yeah I was this person before this date and I was this person after that date and I walked into the hospital knowing like with each step I was one step closer to or before an after and that was so weird because I've had a number of life events that there were like very distinct before and after Jo's you know but I didn't get to know that I just had to adapt I just had to figure it out and to have a couple weeks to think about it and to know that I was walking into that hospital and my life was going to change forever I was going to change forever what I looked like was going to change forever even though it doesn't seem like that should be a big thing it is was one of the most bizarre experiences I ever had and the moment specifically that I kissed my husband goodbye when I was laying in the hospital bed because the anesthesiologist had come in he was like hey I think we're ready to go I'm gonna go ahead and do your nerve now would be a great time to say goodbye oh and I'm actually like getting emotional thinking about this and I remember like being like oh oh my god like this is it I remember like almost feeling like a kid again for a second and being like this is the moment where I walk into things alone like I had so many so much support and so many people around me up until that moment but as I hugged my mom and then kissed my husband goodbye and he smiled back at me as he was leaving the room like that was it you know the moment of no return and as they left the anesthesiologist pumped the good drugs as he said into me which were kind of like you know what helped you relax it's before the actual anesthesia and is what's that called anesthesia there we go think what sticks in my head about that moment aside from the terror and uncertainty of it and feeling like I was a kid just so scared of something that was so unknown was also that I felt so empowered because I got to make this decision for myself about my own body and I had not had that luxury before with pretty much anything in my life regarding myself or my physical body decisions have been made for me when it comes to many many things and as scared as I was that maybe I was making the wrong decision or maybe this would ruin everything I got to make it and that may sound stupid to people but I can't tell you how much that meant to me and as the people who loved me and supported me walked out of the room and let me just say my dad would have been there but he was taking care of my dog that home and was on his way to the hospital at that point they trusted me to make this decision for myself about myself and even though I was terrified I got to make it and even though I was terrified as I started to feel those drugs kick in I felt confident in knowing that this was something I got to do for me no one was making this decision for me and I wasn't being forced into it and I knew that if I had waited a few years if I had gone through more surgeries to try to save a part of my body that was in so much pain so messed up and dying anyways that I would eventually be pigeonholed into this decision I'd be forced into it and so I had the freedom to make the choice in that moment instead and I will always be grateful for that moment whatever comes of all of this and I'm still not the least bit regretful even though there have been bumps even though it's been really painful and weird and bizarre and a crazy new experience has come with many many good things and beautiful things and just a whole new experience experience I would never have otherwise you know so that's what I've been reflecting on today and I hope you don't mind me sharing and I really appreciate you guys listening I'll talk to you guys soon bye well hello Dee how are you doing what are you doing what are you doing back there did you see the camera