 A few days ago, Kota won the Golden Globe for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. I'm going to be reviewing Deep Water. Deep Water was directed by Adrian Lin, who hasn't directed a film in 20 years. And you can tell. I refuse to believe humans wrote this film. It had to be a robot. The film stars the always stunning Anna Deyramas, and Ben Affleck from the picture where he's dropping the Dunkin Donuts on the ground. Ben Affleck in this film plays a character named Driftwood. He will just kind of slowly move from scene to scene, not really saying much or doing anything of substance, barely makes a facial expression. He truly embodies the characteristics of a piece of floating wood. Anna Deyramas plays the beautiful, sexy, succubus, Melinda. These two will meander from scene to scene, proving to audiences all over the world that you can have zero chemistry together and still manage to date for a while in real life. Truly acting at its finest. So what's the plot of this stunning achievement in cinema? Well, here it is. Vic is a smart guy. I use air quotes because although he did design some computer chips that would be used in bombing technology for drones, he's not very sharp when it comes to relationships. He's with a woman who is unfaithful. She sleeps around all the time. She's a garbage mother and an even trashier all around individual. You will spend the entire film wondering why the hell he's with her. Someone use the term cuckold. You might be saying to yourself, well, she must be just dynamite in the sack. Maybe? I don't know. Definitely not with Vic. There are 50 shades of gray-esque scenes are just as 50 shades of gray as those crappy movies are. They don't last long. They're far and few in between. Anna Deyramas and Ben Affleck look incredibly uncomfortable together. He looks like shit through most of this movie. She's gorgeous, but even the sex scenes, she's so awkward and uncomfortable and making his life hell that I don't really see where we're going with this movie. It's not titillizing. It's not thought provoking. There's a plot twist, a lagone girl that's revealed even earlier than that film's plot twist. And then you're just left wondering, why am I still even watching this? Actually, you should have been wondering that as soon as the first scene opened up. The movie's called Deep Water. And even though there is some water from time to time, there's nothing deep about this movie. These two dipshits, of course, have a kid. And I don't know if this girl is related to the director in any way, if it's a grandchild or something, but we spend a lot of time listening to her sing. Wheels on the bus, Old MacDonald, things of that nature. Really unnecessary. And the film even has the audacity to give us a DCEU Snyder-esque 4x3 aspect ratio mid-credit sequence where the girl sings another song in the backseat of the car. What's the purpose? What's the point? Are we all just being trolled by this film? I think so. I think the director is like, shit, I haven't made a movie in 20 years. I gotta pay some bills. Let's do Deep Water in a day. So the big mystery going on that's revealed in like 35 minutes is that Anadiramas is sleeping around with these guys. She calls friends. Vic is not happy about it, but he pretends like he's cool with it. He's a new gen guy who likes his wife banging other dudes and he just kind of sits back and goes with the flow, you know? He goes biking. He's got that. He's got biking. Well, she's the town bicycle. And you haven't been on that ride in a long time, buddy. Every time Anadiramas brings one of these jackasses to the home, it's incredibly uncomfortable in the most comedic ways possible. The dude will be sitting on the couch and Vic's just like, you know, I killed the last guy that was here. And the younger dude's like, what? No. What? Wait, are you threatening me? And then the camera does a slow zoom into Vic who's like, womp, womp, womp. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Bum. The film asks the audience the tough question. Is Vic actually a killer or is he just pulling this guy's dick? We know that his wife's last friend up and vanished without a trace. What happened to him? Did he die? Is Vic really a killer? Will we ever find out? Yeah. Vic is the killer. It's made clear very early on. What this movie makes you do is sit there from scene to scene, wondering what the hell you're even watching. Oh, Ana de Armas is dancing again to another stupid song and then the audience loves her. Do-do-do, I'm dancing around, shaking my hips, lululu. But then a scene later, Vic's buddies will come up to him and be like, dude, your wife, she's kind of hot trash, isn't she? I mean, what are you doing here, man? It really is a poor cosplay of Gone Girl without anything even remotely interesting to say. And the acting is so bad by Ben Affleck. He looks like he's in trouble. He looks like there's a person off-camera with a gun telling him to be here right now. And I just feel bad for Ana de Armas. She's better than this film. And the fact that she had to get naked a couple of times, this is just sad. I feel bad for her. Not for me. I don't feel bad for me. I enjoyed seeing her topless because I'm a pervert. But, you know, and I appreciate the female body. But no, not like this. Not like this. Not this film. The final sequence in this film hits so bad it's good territory. We're talking Tommy Wiseau's The Room, Levels of Cringe. And I'm going to spoil the ending because who cares? I've said my piece. It's a trash film. If you want to watch it still, go ahead. Be surprised. Here's a spoiler. One of Vic's acquaintances, Don, suspects that Vic might be a piece of shit who's killing people. So he happens to be walking around the neighborhood and he sees Vic like trying to push down the carcass of a dude that he drowned in deep water. It's actually a creek. It's very small water, but the deep is the complexity of the film. That's the thinking part. It's like a metaphor. Anyway, Vic's like, oh, I was just looking for my scarf. Don's like, I got your scarf right here, bro. What's going on? What's really going on? And then he notices the fingers kind of floating and he takes off for his car. Now we have a high speed chase and Ben Affleck has to get on his mountain bike and hoof it up the hill through the woods to try to catch this guy. So incredibly absurd, but it keeps getting better. Ben Affleck eventually jumps out in front of Don who he somehow caught up with and no, not only caught up, surpassed. Got past this guy. Don looks at him and goes, oooh, turns the wheel, veers off course through the woods, clips a tree where they don't even put a sound effect in. It goes silent for a second. I don't know if that was an artsy decision, but it didn't play out that way. It played out like hacky shit. And then he falls into the water in the Jeep, dying on impact. The scene was like watching the classic Disney animated show Goof Troop. The only thing missing was the sound effect. Yooo! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Come on to the Goof Troop. Skipping a bop, do bop, do bop. Yeah. The final shot of the movie reveals the photo IDs of past victims as they are set ablaze. And then we see Anna Der Mas looking at the camera sad. Something, I don't, I don't, who cares? This movie's so bad. It's just embarrassing. I felt sorry for everyone involved, including me for having to watch it. You heard my thoughts on deep shit. Now I want to hear yours. Put a comment below. Let me know if you saw this film and what you thought. Maybe I'm completely off the mark. I'm not. I'm not at all. I couldn't imagine someone liking this film, but I'd be curious either way. Like the video if you had a good time. Subscribe for more movie reviews, rants, reactions, things that are movie related. And hopefully I'll catch you next time. Stay dry. Because of the, because of the water. There's a scene in the film where Vic and his daughter Trixie have a little one-on-one pow wow. Trixie said, hey dad, have you killed someone before? He's like, no, I've never killed anyone. She's like, I don't believe you. You've killed people. You, you've killed some dudes. It's so awkward. No child talks like this. I'm not convinced that the director or the writers have even been around a child, which is why they probably had her sing a bunch of songs and thought, this is what kids do. This is children. And also talking about their parents' murdering people. What a weird film from top to bottom. That's Deep Water. Skippity bop, shippity doo bop. Yeah. Join me on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Adam Does Movies.