 46 So on those happy days of your oft as I dare to dwell once more, still must I miss the friends so tried, whom death has severed from my side. But ever when true friendship binds, spirit it is that spirit finds. In spirit then our bliss we found, in spirit yet to them I'm bound. Euland! Margaret was ready long before the appointed time, and had leisure enough to cry a little quietly, when unobserved, and to smile brightly when anyone looked at her. Her last alarm was lest they should be too late and miss the train. But no, they were all in time, and she breathed freely and happily at length, seated in the carriage opposite to Mr. Bell, and whirling away past the well-known stations. Seeing the old South Country towns and hamlets sleeping in the warm light of the pure sun, which gave a yet ruddier color to their tiled roofs, so different to the cold slates of the North, broods of pigeons hovered around these peaked, quaint gables, slowly settling here and there, and ruffling their soft, shiny feathers, as if exposing every fiber to the delicious warmth. There were few people about at the stations. It almost seemed as if they were too lazily content to wish to travel. One of the bustle and stir that Margaret had noticed in her two journeys on the London and Northwestern line. Later on in the year, this line of railway should be stirring and alive with rich pleasure-seekers. But as to the constant going to and fro of busy tradespeople, it would always be widely different from the Northern lines. Here a spectator or two stood lounging at nearly every station, with his hands in his pockets so absorbed in the simple act of watching, that it made the travellers wonder what he could find to do when the train whirled away, and only the blank of a railway, some sheds, and a distant field or two were left for him to gaze upon. The hot air danced over the golden stillness of the land, farm after farm was left behind, each reminding Margaret of German idols, of Hermann and Dorothea, of Evangeline. From this waking dream she was roused. It was the place to leave the train and take the flight to Helston. And now sharper feelings came shooting through her heart, whether pain or pleasure she could hardly tell. Every mile was redolent of associations, which she would not have missed for the world but each of which made her cry upon the days that are no more, with ineffable longing. The last time she had passed along this road was when she had left it with her father and mother. The day, the season, had been gloomy, and she herself hopeless, but they were there with her. Now she was alone, an orphan, and they, strangely, had gone away from her, and vanished from the face of the earth. It hurt her to see the Helston road, so flooded in the sunlight, and every turn and every familiar tree so precisely the same in its summer glory as it had been in former years. Nature felt no change and was ever young. Mr. Bell knew something of what would be passing through her mind and wisely and kindly held his tongue. They drove up to the Leonard arms, half farmhouse, half inn, standing a little apart from the road, as much as to say that the host did not so depend on the custom of travelers as to have to court it by any obtrusiveness, they, rather, must seek him out. The house fronted the village green, and right before it stood an immemorial lime tree, benched all round, in some hidden recesses of whose leafy wealth hung the grim escuchin of the Lennards. The door of the inn stood wide open, but there was no hospitable hurray to receive the travelers. When the landlady did appear, and they might have abstracted many an article first, she gave them a kind welcome, almost as if they had been invited guests, and apologized for her coming having been so delayed, by saying that it was hay time and the provisions for the men had to be sent afield, and she had been too busy packing up the baskets to hear the noise of wheels over the road, which, since they had left the highway, ran over soft short turf. Why bless me, exclaimed she, as at the end of her apology a glint of sunlight showed her Margaret's face, hitherto unobserved in that shady parlor. It's Miss Hale, Jenny, said she, running to the door, and calling to her daughter. Come here, come directly, it's Miss Hale! And then she went up to Margaret, and shook her hands with motherly fondness. And how are you all? How's the vicar and Miss Dixon? The vicar above all, God bless him, we've never ceased to be sorry that he left. Margaret tried to speak, and tell her of her father's death. Of her mother's it was evident that Mrs. Perkis was aware, from her omission of her name. But she choked in the effort, and could only touch her deep mourning, and say the one word. Papa. Surely, sir, it's never so, said Mrs. Perkis, turning to Mr. Bell, for confirmation of the sad suspicion that now entered her mind. There was a gentleman here in the spring. It might have been as long ago as last winter, who told us a deal of Mr. Hale and Miss Margaret, and he said Mrs. Hale was gone, poor lady, but never a word of the vicar's being ailing. It is so, however, said Mr. Bell. He died quite suddenly when on a visit to me at Oxford. He was a good man, Mrs. Perkis, and there's many of us that might be thankful to have as calm an end as his. Some Margaret, my dear, her father was my oldest friend, and she's my goddaughter. So I thought we would just come down together and see the old place. And I know of old you can give us comfortable rooms and a capital dinner. You don't remember me, I see, but my name is Bell, and once or twice when the parsonage has been full, I have slept here and tasted your good ale. To be sure, I ask your pardon, but you see I was taken up with Miss Hale. Let me show you to a room, Miss Margaret, where you can take off your bonnet and wash your face. It's only this very morning I plunged some fresh-gathered roses head downward in the water jug. Four thought I, perhaps someone will be coming, and there's nothing so sweet as springwater scented by our musk-rose or two. To think of the vicar being dead! Well, to be sure we must all die. Only that gentleman said he was quite picking up after his trouble about Mrs. Hale's Come down to me, Mrs. Perkis, after you have attended to Miss Hale. I want to have a consultation with you about dinner. The little casement window in Margaret's bed-chamber was almost filled up with rows and vine branches. But pushing them aside and stretching a little out, she could see the tops of the parsonage chimneys above the trees and distinguish many a well-known line through the leaves. I, said Mrs. Perkis, smoothing down the bed and dispatching Jenny for an armful of lavender-scented towels. Times has changed, Miss. Our new vicar has seven children, and is building a nursery ready for more, just out where the Arbor and Toolhouse used to be in old times. And he has had new grates put in, and a plate-glass window in the drawing-room. He and his wife are stirring people, and have done a deal of good. At least they say it's doing good. If it were not, I should call it turning things upside down for very little purpose. The new vicar is a tea-totaler, Miss, and a magistrate, and his wife has a deal of receipts for economical cooking, and is for making bread without yeast. And they both talk so much, and both at a time, that they knock one down as it were, and it's not till they're gone, and one's a little at peace, that one can think that there were things one might have said on one's own side of the question. It'll be after the men's cans in the hayfield, and peeping in, and then there'll be in a dew because it's not ginger-beer, but I can't help it. My mother and my grandmother before me sent good malt liquor to haymakers, and took salts and senna when anything ailed them, and I must eat and go on in their ways, though Mrs. Hepworth does want to give me comforts instead of medicine, which, as she says, is a deal pleasanter. Only I have no faith in it. But I must go, Miss, though I'm wanting to hear many a thing. I'll come back to you before long. Mr. Bell had strawberries and cream, a loaf of brown bread, and a jug of milk, together with a stilton cheese and a bottle of port for his own private refreshment, ready for Margaret on her coming downstairs. And after this rustic luncheon they set out to walk, hardly knowing in what direction to turn so many old, familiar inducements were there in each. Shall we go past the vicarage, has Mr. Bell? No, not yet. We will go this way and make a round so as to come back by it, replied Margaret. Here and there old trees had been felled the autumn before, or a squatter's roughly built and decaying cottage had disappeared. Margaret missed them each and all, and grieved over them like old friends. They came past the spot where she and Mr. Lennox had sketched. The white lightning-scarred trunk of the venerable beach, among whose roots they had sat down, was there no more. The old man, the inhabitant of the ruinous cottage, was dead. The cottage had been pulled down, and a new one, tidy and respectable, had been built in its stead. There was a small garden on the place where the beach-tree had been. I did not think I had been so old, said Margaret, after a pause of silence, and she turned away, sighing. Yes, said Mr. Bell, it is the first changes among familiar things that make such a mystery of time to the young. Afterwards we lose the sense of the mysterious. I take changes in all I see as a matter of course. The instability of all human things is familiar to me. To you it is new and oppressive. Let us go on to see little Susan, said Margaret, drawing her companion up a grassy roadway, leading under the shadow of a forest-glade. With all my heart, though I have not an idea who little Susan may be, but I have a kindness for all Susan's, for simple Susan's sake. My little Susan was disappointed when I left without wishing her goodbye, and it has been on my conscience ever since that I gave her pain which a little more exertion on my part might have prevented. But it is a long way. Are you sure you will not be tired? Quite sure, that is, if you don't walk so fast. You see, here there are no views that can give one an excuse for stopping to take breath. You would think it romantic to be walking with a person, fat and scanto breath, if I were Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, have compassion on my infirmities for his sake. I will walk slower for your own sake. I like you 20 times better than Hamlet. On the principle that a living ass is better than a dead lion? Perhaps so. I don't analyze my feelings. I am content to take your liking me, without examining too curiously into the materials it is made of. Only we need not walk at a snail's pace. Very well. Walk at your own pace, and I will follow. Or stop still and meditate like the Hamlet you can pair yourself to, if I go too fast. Thank you. But as my mother has not murdered my father, and afterwards married my uncle, I shouldn't know what to think about, unless it were balancing the chances of our having a well-cooked dinner or not. What do you think? I am in good hopes. She used to be considered a famous cook, as far as Hellston opinion went. But have you considered the distraction of mine produced by all this hay-making? Margaret felt all Mr. Bell's kindness in trying to make cheerful talk about nothing, to endeavor to prevent her from thinking too curiously about the past. But she would rather have gone over these dear-loved walks in silence, if indeed she were not ungrateful enough to wish that she might have been alone. They reached the cottage where Susan's widowed mother lived. Susan was not there. She was gone to the parochial school. Margaret was disappointed, and the poor woman saw it, and began to make a kind of apology. Oh, it is quite right, said Margaret. I am very glad to hear it. I might have thought of it. Only she used to stop at home with you. Yes, she did. And I miss her, sadly. I used to teach her what little I knew at nights. It were not much to be sure. But she were getting such a handy girl that I miss her sore. But she's a deal above me in learning now. And the mother sighed. I'm all wrong, growled Mr. Bell. Don't mind what I say. I'm a hundred years behind the world. But I should say that the child was getting a better and simpler and more natural education stopping at home and helping her mother and learning to read a chapter in the New Testament every night by her side, then from all the schooling under the sun. Margaret did not want to encourage him to go on by replying to him, and so prolonging the discussion before the mother. So she turned to her and asked, how is old Betty Barnes? I don't know, said the woman rather shortly. We's not friends. Why not? Asked Margaret, who had formerly been the peacemaker of the village. She stole my cat. Did she know it was yours? I don't know. I reckon not. Well, could you not get it back again when you told her it was yours? No, for she'd burnt it. Burnt it, exclaimed both Margaret and Mr. Bell. Roasted it, explained the woman. It was no explanation. By dint of questioning, Margaret extracted from her the horrible fact that Betty Barnes, having been induced by a gypsy fortune teller to lend the latter her husband's Sunday clothes, on promise of having them faithfully returned on the Saturday night before Goodman Barnes should have missed them, became alarmed by their non-appearance, and her consequent dread of her husband's anger, and, as according to one of the savage country superstitions, the cries of a cat in the agonies of being boiled or roasted alive compelled, as it were, the powers of darkness to fulfill the wishes of the executioner, resort had been had to the charm. The poor woman evidently believed in its efficacy. Her only feeling was indignation that her cat had been chosen out from all others for a sacrifice. Margaret listened in horror, and endeavored in vain to enlighten the woman's mind, but she was obliged to give it up in despair. Step by step she got the woman to admit certain facts, of which the logical connection and sequence was perfectly clear to Margaret. But at the end, the bewildered woman simply repeated her first assertion, namely, that it were very cruel for sure, and she should not like to do it, but that there were nothing like it for giving a person what they wished for. She had heard it all her life, but it were very cruel for all that. Margaret gave it up in despair, and walked away sick at heart. You are a good girl not to triumph over me, said Mr. Bell. How? What do you mean? I own. I am wrong about schooling. Anything rather than have that child wrought up in such practical paganism. Oh, I remember. Poor little Susan. I must go and see her. Would you mind calling at the school? Not a bit. I am curious to see something of the teaching she used to receive. They did not speak much more, but threaded their way through many a bosky doll, whose soft green influence could not charm away the shock and the pain in Margaret's heart, caused by the recital of such cruelty, a recital, too, the manner of which betrayed such utter want of imagination, and therefore of any sympathy with the suffering animal. The buzz of voices, like the murmur of a hive of busy human bees, made itself heard as soon as they emerged from the forest, on the more open village green on which the school was situated. The door was wide open, and they entered. A brisk lady in black, here, there, and everywhere, perceived them, and bade them welcome with somewhat of the hostess air, which, Margaret remembered, her mother was wont to assume, only in a more soft and languid manner, when any rare visitors strayed in to inspect the school. She knew at once it was the present vicar's wife, her mother's successor, and she would have drawn back from the interview had it been possible. But in an instant she had conquered this feeling, and modestly advanced, meeting many a bright glance of recognition, and hearing many a half-suppressed murmur of, It's Miss Hale! The vicar's lady heard the name, and her manner at once became more kindly. Margaret wished she could have helped feeling that it also became more patronizing. The lady held out a hand to Mr. Bell with, Your father, I presume, Miss Hale? I see it by the likeness. I am sure I am very glad to see you, sir, and so will the vicar be. Margaret explained that it was not her father, and stammered out the fact of his death, wondering all the time how Mr. Hale could have borne coming to revisit Helston, if it had been as the vicar's lady supposed. She did not hear what Mrs. Hepworth was saying, and left it to Mr. Bell to reply, looking round, meanwhile, for her old acquaintances. Ah! I see you would like to take a class, Miss Hale. I know it by myself. First class stand up for a parsing lesson with Miss Hale. Poor Margaret, whose visit was sentimental, not in any degree inspective, felt herself taken in. But as in some way bringing her in contact with little eager faces, once well known, and who had received the solemn rite of baptism from her father, she sat down, half losing herself in tracing out the changing features of the girls, and holding Susan's hand for a minute or two, unobserved by all, while the first class sought for their books, and the vicar's lady went as near as a lady could towards holding Mr. Bell by the button, while she explained the phonetic system to him, and gave him a conversation she had had with the inspector about it. Margaret bent over her book, and seeing nothing but that, hearing the buzz of children's voices old times rose up, and she thought of them, and her eyes filled with tears, till at once there was a pause. One of the girls was stumbling over the apparently simple word A, uncertain what to call it. A, an indefinite article, said Margaret mildly. I beg your pardon, said the vicar's wife, all eyes and ears, but we are taught by Mr. Milsom to call A an who can remember? An adjective absolute, said half a dozen voices at once, and Margaret sat abashed. The children knew more than she did. Mr. Bell turned away and smiled. Margaret spoke no more during the lesson, but after it was over, she went quietly round to one or two old favorites and talked to them a little. They were growing out of children into great girls, passing out of her recollection in their rapid development, as she, by her three years absence, was vanishing from theirs. Still she was glad to have seen them all again, though a tinge of sadness mixed itself with her pleasure. When school was over for the day, it was yet early in the summer afternoon, and Mrs. Hepworth proposed to Margaret that she and Mr. Bell should accompany her to the parsonage, and see the word improvements had half slipped out of her mouth, but she substituted the more cautious term alterations which the present vicar was making. Margaret did not care a straw about seeing the alterations, which jarred upon her fond recollection of what her home had been, but she longed to see the old place once more, even though she shivered away from the pain which she knew she should feel. The parsonage was so altered, both inside and out, that the real pain was less than she had anticipated. It was not like the same place. The garden, the grass-plat, formerly so daintily trimmed that even a stray rose-leaf seemed like a flack on its exquisite arrangement and propriety, was strewed with children's things, a bag of marbles here, a hoop there, a straw hat forced down upon a rose-tree as on a peg, to the destruction of a long, beautiful, tender branch laden with flowers, which in former days would have been trained up tenderly as if beloved. The little square matted hall was equally filled with signs of merry, healthy, rough childhood. Ah, said Mrs. Hubworth, you must excuse this untidiness, Miss Hale. When the nursery is finished, I shall insist upon a little order. We are building a nursery out of your room, I believe. How did you manage, Miss Hale, without a nursery? We were but two, said Margaret. You have many children, I presume? Seven. Look here. We are throwing out a window to the road on this side. Mr. Hubworth is spending an immense deal of money on this house. But really it was scarcely habitable when we came, for so large a family as ours, I mean, of course. Every room in the house was changed besides the one of which Mrs. Hubworth spoke, which had been Mr. Hale's study formerly, and where the green, gloom, and delicious quiet of the place had conduced, as he had said, to a habit of meditation, but perhaps in some degree to the formation of a character more fitted for thought than action. The new window gave a view of the road and had many advantages, as Mrs. Hubworth pointed out. From it the wandering sheep of her husband's flock might be seen, who straggled to the tempting beer-house, unobserved as they might hope, but not unobserved in reality. For the active vicar kept his eye on the road, even during the composition of his most orthodox sermons, and had a hat and stick hanging ready at hand to seize before sallying out after his parishioners, who had need of quick legs if they could take refuge in the jolly forester before the teetotal vicar had arrested them. The whole family were quick, brisk, loud-talking, kind-hearted, and not troubled with much delicacy of perception. Margaret feared that Mrs. Hubworth would find out what Mr. Bell was playing upon her, in the admiration he thought fit to express for everything but especially graded on his taste. But no, she took it all literally, and with such good faith that Margaret could not help remonstrating with him as they walked slowly away from the parsonage back to their inn. Don't scold Margaret, it was all because of you. If she had not shown you every change with such evident exultation in their superior sense, in perceiving what an improvement this and that would be, I could have behaved well. But if you must go on preaching, keep it till after dinner, when it will send me to sleep and help my digestion. They were both of them tired, and Margaret herself so much so, that she was unwilling to go out as she had proposed to do, and have another ramble among the woods and fields, so close to the home of her childhood. And somehow this visit to Helston had not been all, had not been exactly what she had expected. There was change everywhere, slight, yet pervading all. Households were changed by absence, or death, or the natural mutations brought by days and months and years, which carry us on imperceptibly from childhood to youth, and thence through manhood to age, once we drop like fruit, fully ripe into the quiet mother earth. Places were changed, a tree gone here, a bow there, bringing in a long ray of light where no light was before. A road was trimmed and narrowed, and the green straggling pathway by its side enclosed and cultivated. A great improvement it was called. But Margaret sighed over the old picturesqueness, the old gloom, and the grassy wayside of former days. She sat by the window on the little settle, sadly gazing out upon the gathering shades of night, which harmonized well with her pensive thought. Mr. Bell slept soundly, after his unusual exercise through the day. At last he was roused by the entrance of the tea tray, brought in by a flush-looking country girl who had evidently been finding some variety from her usual occupation of waiter in assisting this day in the hayfield. Hello, who's there? Where are we? Who's that, Margaret? Oh, now I remember all. I could not imagine what woman was sitting there in such a doleful attitude, with their hands clasped straight out upon her knees and her face looking so steadfastly before her. What were you looking at? asked Mr. Bell, coming to the window and standing behind Margaret. Nothing, said she, rising up quickly and speaking as cheerfully as she could at a moment's notice. Nothing, indeed. A bleak background of trees, some white linen hung out on the sweet-brayer hedge in a graved waft of damp air. Shut the window and come in and make tea. Margaret was silent for some time. She played with her teaspoon and did not attend particularly to what Mr. Bell had said. He contradicted her, and she took the same sort of smiling notice of his opinion as if he had agreed with her. Then she sighed, and putting down her spoon, she began, apropos of nothing at all, and in the high-pitched voice which usually shows that the speaker has been thinking for some time on the subject that they wished to introduce. Mr. Bell, you remember what we were saying about Frederick last night, don't you? Last night? Where was I? Oh, I remember. Why, it seems a week ago. Yes, to be sure, I recollect we talked about him, poor fellow. Yes. And do you not remember that Mr. Lennox spoke about his having been in England about the time of Dyrma Ma's death? Asked Margaret, her voice now lower than usual. I recollect. I hadn't heard of it before. And I thought, I always thought that Papa had told you about it. No, he never did. But what about it, Margaret? I want to tell you of something I did that was very wrong about that time, said Margaret, suddenly looking up at him with her clear, honest eyes. I told a lie, and her face became scarlet. True, that was bad I own. Not but what I have told a pretty round number in my life, not all in downright words, as I suppose you did, but in actions or in some shabby, circumlocutory way, leading people either to disbelieve the truth or believe a falsehood. You know who is the father of lies, Margaret. Well, a great number of folk, thinking themselves very good, have odd sorts of connection with lies, left-hand marriages and second cousins once removed, the tainting blood of falsehood runs through us all. I should have guessed you as far from it as most people. What, crying child? Nay, now we'll not talk of it if it ends in this way. I dare say you have been sorry for it and that you won't do it again. And as long ago now and in short, I want you to be very cheerful and not very sad this evening. Margaret wiped her eyes and tried to talk about something else, but suddenly she burst out afresh. Please, Mr. Bell, let me tell you about it. You could perhaps help me a little. No, not help me, but if you knew the truth, perhaps you could put me to rights. That is not it, after all, said she, in despair at not being able to express herself more exactly as she wished. Mr. Bell's whole manner changed. Tell me all about it, child, said he. It's a long story, but when Fred came, Mama was very ill and I was undone with anxiety and afraid too that I might have drawn him into danger and we had an alarm just after her death, for Dixon met someone in Milton, a man called Leonard's, who had known Fred and who seemed to owe him a grudge or at any rate to be tempted by the recollection of the reward offered for his apprehension. And with this new fright, I thought I had better hurry off, Fred, to London where, as you would understand from what we said the other night, he was to go to consult Mr. Lenoxus to his chances if he stood the trial. So we, that is, he and I, went to the railway station. It was one evening and it was just getting rather dusk but still light enough to recognize and be recognized and we were too early and went out to walk on a field just close by. I was always in a panic about this Leonard's who was, I knew, somewhere in the neighborhood and then when we were in the field, the low red sunlight just in my face, someone came by on horseback in the road just below the field style by which we stood. I saw him look at me but I did not know who it was at first. The sun was so in my eyes but in an instant the dazzle went off and I saw it was Mr. Thornton and we bowed and he saw Frederick of course, said Mr. Bell, helping her on with her story as he thought. Yes and then at the station a man came up, tipsy and reeling and he tried to collar Fred and overbalanced himself as Fred wrenched himself away and fell over the edge of the platform, not far, not deep, not above three feet but oh, Mr. Bell, somehow that fall killed him. How awkward it was this Leonard's I suppose and how did Fred get off? Oh, he went off immediately after the fall which we never thought could have done the poor fellow any harm. It seemed so slight an injury. Then he did not die directly. No, not for two or three days and then oh, Mr. Bell, now comes the bad part, said she nervously twining her fingers together. A police inspector came and taxed me with having been the companion of the young man whose pusher blow had occasion Leonard's death. That was a false accusation you know but we had not heard that Fred had sailed. He might still be in London and liable to be arrested on this false charge and his identity with the Lieutenant Hale accused of causing that mutiny discovered. He might be shot. All this flashed through my mind and I said it was not me. I was not at the railway station that night. I knew nothing about it. I had no conscience or thought but to save Frederick. I say it was right. I should have done the same. You forgot yourself and thought for another. I hope I should have done the same. No, you would not. It was wrong, disobedient, faithless at that very time Fred was safely out of England and in my blindness I forgot that there was another witness who could testify to my being there. Who? Mr. Thornton. You know he had seen me close to the station. We had bowed to each other. Well, he would know nothing of this riot about the drunken fellow's death. I suppose the inquiry never came to anything. No, the proceedings they had begun to talk about on the inquest were stopped. Mr. Thornton did know all about it. He was a magistrate and he found out that it was not the fall that had caused the death but not before he knew what I had said. Oh, Mr. Bell. She suddenly covered her face with her hands as if wishing to hide herself from the presence of the recollection. Did you have any explanation with him? Did you ever tell him the strong instinctive motive? The instinctive want of faith and clutching at a sin to keep myself from sinking said she bitterly. No, how could I? He knew nothing of Frederick. To put myself to rights in his good opinion was I to tell him of the secrets of our family involving, as they seem to do, the chances of poor Fred's entire exculpation? Fred's last words had been to enjoin me to keep his visit a secret from all. You see, Papa never told, even you. No, I could bear the shame. I thought I could at least. I did bear it. Mr. Thornton has never respected me since. He respects you, I am sure, said Mr. Bell. To be sure, it accounts a little for... But he always speaks of you with regard and esteem, though now I understand certain reservations in his manner. Margaret did not speak, did not attend to what Mr. Bell went on to say, lost all sense of it. By and by, she said, will you tell me what you refer to about reservations in his manner of speaking of me? Oh! Simply he has annoyed me by not joining in my praises of you. Like an old fool, I thought that everyone would have the same opinions as I had, and he evidently could not agree with me. I was puzzled at the time, but he must be perplexed if the affair has never been in the least explained. There was first your walking out with a young man in the dark. But it was my brother, said Margaret, surprised. True, but how was he to know that? I don't know. I never thought of anything of that kind, said Margaret, reddening, and looking hurt and offended. And perhaps he never would, but for the lie, which, under the circumstances I maintain, was necessary. It was not. I know it now. I bitterly repent it. There was a long pause of silence. Margaret was the first to speak. I am not likely ever to see Mr. Thornton again. And there she stopped. There are many things more unlikely, I should say, replied Mr. Bell. But I believe I never shall. Still, somehow one does not like to have sunk so low in, in a friend's opinion, as I have done in his. Her eyes were full of tears, but her voice was steady, and Mr. Bell was not looking at her. And now that Frederick has given up all hope, and almost all wish of ever clearing himself and returning to England, it would be only doing myself justice to have all this explained. If you please, and if you can, if there is a good opportunity, don't force an explanation upon him, pray. But if you can, will you tell him the whole circumstances and tell him also that I gave you leave to do so, because I felt that for Papa's sake I should not like to lose his respect, that we may never be likely to meet again? Certainly, I think he ought to know. I do not like you to rest even under the shadow of an impropriety. He would not know what to think of seeing you alone with a young man. As for that, said Margaret rather haughtily, I hold it is une suite qui mal y pense. Yet still I should choose to have it explained, if any natural opportunity for easy explanation occurs. But it is not to clear myself of any suspicion of improper conduct that I wish to have him told. If I thought that he had suspected me, I should not care for his good opinion. No, it is that he may learn how I was tempted and how I fell into the snare, why I told that falsehood in short. Which I don't blame you for. It is no partiality of mine, I assure you. What other people may think of the rightness or wrongness is nothing in comparison to my own deep knowledge, my innate conviction that it was wrong. But we will not talk of that any more, if you please. It is done. My sin is sinned. I have now to put it behind me and be truthful forevermore if I can. Very well. If you like to be uncomfortable and morbid, be so. I always keep my conscience as tight shut up as a jack in a box, for when it jumps into existence, it surprises me by its size, so I coax it down again as the fisherman coaxed the genie. Wonderful, say I, to think that you have been concealed so long and in so small a compass that I really did not know of your existence. Praise, sir, instead of growing larger and larger every instant and bewildering me with your misty outlines, would you once more compress yourself into your former dimensions? And when I've gotten him down, don't I clap the seal on the vase and take good care how I open it again and how I go against Solomon, wisest of men, who can find him there? But it was no smiling matter to Margaret. She hardly attended to what Mr. Bell was saying. Her thoughts ran upon the idea before entertained, but which now had assumed the strength of a conviction that Mr. Thornton no longer held his former good opinion of her, that he was disappointed in her. She did not feel as if any explanation could ever reinstate her, not in his love, for that in any return on her part she had resolved never to dwell upon, and she kept rigidly to her resolution. But in the respect and high regard which she had hoped would have ever made him willing in the spirit of Gerald Griffin's beautiful lines, to turn and look back when thou hearest the sound of my name. She kept choking and swallowing all the time that she thought about it. She tried to comfort herself with the idea that what he imagined her to be did not alter the fact of what she was. But it was a truism, a phantom, and broke down under the weight of her regret. She had 20 questions on the tip of her tongue to ask Mr. Bell, but not one of them did she utter. Mr. Bell thought that she was tired and sent her early to her room where she sat long hours by the open window gazing out on the purple dome above where the stars arose and twinkled and disappeared behind the great, umbrageous trees before she went to bed. All night long, too, there burnt a little light on earth, a candle in her old bedroom which was the nursery with the present inhabitants of the parsonage until the new one was built. A sense of change, of individual nothingness, of perplexity and disappointment overpowered Margaret. Nothing had been the same and this slight, all-pervading instability had given her greater pain than if all had been too entirely changed for her to recognize it. I begin to understand now what heaven must be and, oh, the grandeur and repose of the words, the same yesterday, today, and forever, everlasting, from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God, that sky above me looks as though it could not change and yet it will. I am so tired, so tired of being whirled on through all these phases of my life in which nothing abides by me, no creature, no place. It is like the circle in which the victims of earthly passion eddy continually. I am in the mood in which women of another religion take the veil. I seek heavenly steadfastness in earthly monotony. If I were a Roman Catholic and could deaden my heart, stun it with some great blow, I might become a nun. But I should pine after my kind. No, not my kind, for love for my species could never fill my heart to the utter exclusion of love for individuals. Perhaps it ought to be so, perhaps not. I cannot decide tonight. Wearily she went to bed. Wearily she arose in four or five hours time. But with the morning came hope and a brighter view of things. After all, it is right, said she, hearing the voices of children at play while she was dressing. If the world stood still, it would retrograde and become corrupt if that is not Irish. Looking out of myself and my own painful sense of change, the progress all around me is right and necessary. I must not think so much of how circumstances affect me myself, but how they affect others if I wish to have a right judgment or a hopeful, trustful heart. And with a smile ready in her eyes to quiver down to her lips, she went into the parlor and greeted Mr. Bell. Ah, Missy, you were up late last night and so you were late this morning. Now I've got a little piece of news for you. What do you think of an invitation to dinner? A morning call, literally in the dewy morning. Why, I've had the vicar here already on his way to the school. How much the desire of giving our hostess a tea total lecture for the benefit of the haymakers had to do with his earliness, I don't know. But here he was when I came down just before nine and we are asked to dine there today. But Edith expects me back. I cannot go, said Margaret, thankful to have so good an excuse. Yes, I know, so I told him. I thought you would not want to go. Still it is open if you would like it. Oh no, said Margaret, let us keep to our plan. Let us start at twelve. It is very good in kind of them, but indeed I could not go. Very well, don't fidget yourself and I'll arrange it all. Before they left, Margaret stole round to the back of the vicarage garden and gathered a little straggling piece of honeysuckle. She would not take a flower the day before for fear of being observed and her motives and feelings commented upon. But as she returned across the common, the place was reinvested with the old enchanting atmosphere. The common sounds of life were more musical there than anywhere else in the whole world. The light, more golden, the life, more tranquil and full of dreamy delight. As Margaret remembered her feelings yesterday, she said to herself, and I too changed perpetually. Now this, now that. Now disappointed and peevish because all is not exactly as I had pictured it and now suddenly discovering that the reality is far more beautiful than I had imagined it. Oh, Halston, I shall never love any place like you. A few days afterwards, she had found her level and decided that she was very glad to have been there and that she had seen it again and that to her it would always be the prettiest spot in the world, but that it was so full of associations with former days and especially with her father and mother that if it were all to come over again, she should shrink back from such another visit as that which she had paid with Mr. Bell. End of chapter 46. Chapter 47 North and South This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Marie Kentfield, California. North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell. Chapter 47, Something Wanting. Experience like a pale musician holds a dulcimer of patience in his hand. Whence harmonies we cannot understand of God's will in his world, the strain unfolds in sad, perplexed minors. Mrs. Browning. About this time, Dixon returned from Milton and assumed her post as Margaret's maid. She brought endless pieces of Milton gossip, how Martha had gone to live with Miss Thorne on the latter's marriage with an account of the bride's maids, dresses, and breakfast at that interesting ceremony. How people thought that Mr. Thorne had made too grand a wedding of it, considering he had lost a deal by the strike and had had to pay so much for the failure of his contracts. How little money articles of furniture, long cherished by Dixon, had fetched at the sale, which was a shame considering how rich folks were at Milton. How Mrs. Thorne had come one day and got two or three good bargains, and Mr. Thorne had come the next. And in his desire to obtain one or two things had bid against himself, much to the enjoyment of the bystanders. So as Dixon observed, that made things even. If Mrs. Thorne paid too little, Mr. Thorne paid too much. Mr. Bell had sent all sorts of orders about the books. There was no understanding of me was so particular. If he had come himself, it would have been all right. But letters always were and always will be more puzzling than they are worth. Dixon had not much to tell about the Higgins's. Her memory had an aristocratic bias and was very treacherous whenever she tried to recall any circumstance connected with those below her in life. Nicholas was very well, she believed. He had been several times at the house asking for news of Miss Margaret, the only person who ever did ask, except once, Mr. Thorne. And Mary, oh, of course, she was very well. A great stout, flat only thing. She did hear, or perhaps it was only a dream of hers, though it would be strange if she had dreamt of such people as the Higgins is, that Mary had gone to work at Mr. Thorne's mill because her father wished her to know how to cook. But what nonsense that could mean, she didn't know. Margaret rather agreed with her that the story was incoherent enough to be like a dream. Still, it was pleasant to have someone now with whom she could talk of Milton and Milton people. Dixon was not over fond of the subject, rather wishing to leave that part of her life in shadow. She liked much more to dwell upon speeches of Mr. Bells, which had suggested an idea to her of what was really his intention, making Margaret his heiress. But her young lady gave her no encouragement, nor in any way gratified her insinuating inquiries, however disguised in the form of suspicions or assertions. All this time, Margaret had a strange undefined longing to hear that Mr. Bell had gone to pay one of his business visits to Milton, for it had been well understood between them at the time of their conversation at Helston, that the explanation she had desired should only be given to Mr. Thorne by word of mouth, and even in that manner should be in no way forced upon him. Mr. Bell was no great correspondent, but he wrote from time to time long or short letters, as the humor took him, and although Margaret was not conscious of any definite hope on receiving them, yet she always put away his notes with a little feeling of disappointment. He was not going to Milton. He said nothing about it at any rate. Well, she must be patient. Sooner or later the mist would be cleared away. Mr. Bell's letters were hardly like his usual self. They were short and complaining, with every now and then a little touch of bitterness that was unusual. He did not look forward to the future. He rather seemed to regret the past and be weary of the present. Margaret fancied that he could not be well, but in answer to some inquiry of hers as to his health, he sent her a short note, saying there was an old-fashioned complaint called the spleen, that he was suffering from that, and it was for her to decide if it was more mental or physical, but that he should like to indulge himself in grumbling without being obliged to send a bulletin every time. In consequence of this note, Margaret made no more inquiries about his health. One day Edith let out accidentally a fragment of a conversation which she had had with Mr. Bell when he was last in London, which possessed Margaret with the idea that he had some notion of taking her to pay a visit to her brother and new sister-in-law, a kid is, in the autumn. She questioned and cross-questioned Edith till the latter was weary and declared that there was nothing more to remember. All he had said was that he half thought he should go and hear for himself what Frederick had to say about the mutiny, and that it would be a good opportunity for Margaret to become acquainted with her new sister-in-law, that he always went somewhere during the long vacation and did not see why he should not go to Spain as well as anywhere else. That was all. Edith hoped Margaret did not want to leave them, that she was so anxious about all this. And then, having nothing else particular to do, she cried and said that she knew she cared much more for Margaret than Margaret did for her. Margaret comforted her as well as she could, but she could hardly explain to her how this idea of Spain mir shadow en España as it might be charmed and delighted her. Edith was in the mood to think that any pleasure enjoyed away from her was a tacit affront, or at best a proof of indifference. So Margaret had to keep her pleasure to herself and could only let it escape by the safety valve of asking Dixon when she dressed for dinner if she would not like to see Master Frederick and his new wife very much indeed. She is a paper smith, isn't she? I believe. Oh yes, certainly, said Margaret, a little damped for an instant at this recollection. And they live in a Popish country? Yes. But I'm afraid I must say that my soul is dearer to me than even Master Frederick, his own dear self. I should be in a perpetual terror, Miss, lest I should be converted. Oh, said Margaret, I do not know that I am going. And if I go, I am not such a fine lady as to be unable to travel without you. No, dear old Dixon. You shall have a long holiday if we go. But I'm afraid it is a long if. Now Dixon did not like this speech. In the first place, she did not like Margaret's trick of calling her dear old Dixon whenever she was particularly demonstrative. She knew that Miss Hale was apt to call all people that she liked old as a sort of term of endearment. But Dixon always winced away from the application of the word to herself who, being not much past 50, was, she thought, in the very prime of life. Secondly, she did not like being so easily taken at her word. She had, with all her terror, a lurking curiosity about Spain, the inquisition, and popish mysteries. So after clearing her throat as if to show her willingness to do away with difficulties, she asked Miss Hale whether she thought, if she took her never to see a priest or enter into one of their churches, there would be so very much danger of her being converted. Master Frederick, to be sure, had gone over unaccountable. I fancy it was love that first predisposed him to conversion, said Margaret, sighing. Indeed, Miss, said Dixon, well, I can preserve myself from priests and from churches, but love steals in unwares. I think it's as well, I should not go. Margaret was afraid of letting her mind run too much upon this Spanish plan. But it took off her thoughts from too impatiently dwelling upon her desire to have all explained to Mr. Thornton. Mr. Bell appeared for the present to be stationary at Oxford and to have no immediate purpose of going to Milton. And some secret restraint seemed to hang over Margaret and prevent her from even asking or eluding again to any probability of such a visit on his part. Nor did she feel at liberty to name what Edith had told her of the idea he'd entertained. It might be but for five minutes of going to Spain. He had never named it at Halston during all that sunny day of leisure. It was very probably but the fancy of a moment. But if it were true, what a bright outlet it would be from the monotony of her present life, which was beginning to pawl upon her. One of the great pleasures of Margaret's life at this time was in Edith's boy. He was the pride and plaything of both father and mother as long as he was good. But he had a strong will of his own. And as soon as he burst out into one of his stormy passions, Edith would throw herself back into despair and fatigue and sigh out, oh, dear, what shall I do with him? Do, Margaret, please ring the bell for Hanley. But Margaret almost liked him better in these manifestations of character than in his good blue-sashed moods. She would carry him off into a room where they two alone battled it out. She was a firm power which subdued him into peace while every sudden charm and while she possessed was exerted on the side of right until he would rub his little hot and tear-smeared face all over hers, kissing and caressing till he often fell asleep in her arms or on her shoulder. Those were Margaret's sweetest moments. They gave her a taste of the feeling that she believed would be denied to her forever. Mr. Henry Lennox added a new and not disagreeable element to the course of the household life by his frequent presence. Margaret thought him colder, if more brilliant than formerly, but there were strong intellectual tastes and much and varied knowledge which gave flavor to the otherwise rather insipid conversation. Margaret saw glimpses in him of a slight contempt for his brother and sister-in-law and for their mode of life which he seemed to consider as frivolous and purposeless. He once or twice spoke to his brother in Margaret's presence in a pretty sharp tone of inquiry as to whether he meant entirely to relinquish his profession. And on Captain Lennox's reply that he had quite enough to live upon, she had seen Mr. Lennox's curl of the lip as he said, and is that all you live for? But the brothers were much attached to each other in the way that any two persons are when the one is cleverer and always leads the other and this lass is patiently content to be led. Mr. Lennox was pushing on in his profession, cultivating with profound calculation all those connections that might eventually be of service to him, keen-sighted, far-seeing, intelligent, sarcastic, and proud. Since the one long conversation relating to Frederick's affairs which he had had with him the first evening in Mr. Bell's presence, she'd had no great intercourse with him, further than that which erodes out of their close relations with the same household. But this was enough to wear off the shyness on her side and any symptoms of mortified pride and vanity on his. They met continually, of course, but she thought that he rather avoided being alone with her. She fancied that he, as well as she, perceived that they had drifted strangely apart from their former anchorage, side by side in many of their opinions and all their tastes. And yet, when he had spoken unusually well or with remarkable epigrammatic point, she felt that his eye saw the expression of her countenance, first of all, if but for an instant, and that in the family intercourse which constantly threw them together, her opinion was the one to which he listened with a deference, the more complete because it was reluctantly paid and concealed as much as possible. End of chapter 47. Chapter 48, North and South. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Chloe, London, UK. North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell, chapter 48, near to be found again. Near to be found again, my own, my father's friend, I cannot part with thee. I near have shown, thou near has known, how dear thou art to me, and on. The elements of the dinner parties which Mrs. Lennox gave were these. Her friends contributed the beauty. Captain Lennox, the easy knowledge of the subjects of the day and Mr. Henry Lennox and the sprinkling of rising men who were received as his friends, brought the wit, the cleverness, the keen and extensive knowledge of which they knew well enough how to avail themselves without seeming pedantic or burdening the rapid flow of conversation. These dinners were delightful, but even here Margaret's dissatisfaction found her out. Every talent, every feeling, every requirement, may even every tendency towards virtue was used up as materials for fireworks. The hidden, sacred fire exhausted itself and sparkled and crackled. They talked about art in a merely sensuous way, dwelling on outside effects instead of allowing themselves to learn what it has to teach. They lashed themselves up into enthusiasm about high subjects in company and never thought about them when they were alone. They squandered their capabilities of appreciation into a mere flow of appropriate words. One day, after the gentleman had come up into the drawing room, Mr. Lennox drew near to Margaret and addressed her in almost the first voluntary words he had spoken to her since she had returned to live in Harley Street. You did not look pleased at what Shirley was saying at dinner, didn't I? My face must be very expressive, replied Margaret. It always was. It has not lost the trick of being eloquent. I did not like, said Margaret hastily, his way of advocating what he knew to be wrong, so glaringly wronged, even ingest. But it was very clever. How every word told. Do you remember the happy epithets? Yes, and despise them you would like to add. For you don't screwball, though he is my friend. There, that is the exact tone he knew that. She stopped short. He listened for a moment to see if she would finish a sentence, but she only reddened and turned away. Before she did so, however, she heard him say in a very low, clear voice, if my tones or modes of thought are what she disliked, will you do me the justice to tell me so, and so give me the chance of learning to please you? All these weeks, there was no intelligence of Mr Bell's going to Milton. He had spoken of it at Halston, as of a journey which he might have to take in a very short time from then. But he must have transacted his business by writing, Margaret thought, you know. And she knew that if he could, he would avoid going to a place which he disliked, and moreover would little understand the secret importance which she affixed to the explanation that could only be given by word of mouth. She knew that he would feel that it was necessary that it should be done, but whether in summer, autumn or winter, it would signify very little. It was now August, and there had been no mention of the Spanish journey to which he had alluded to Edith, and Margaret tried to reconcile herself to the fading away of this illusion. But one morning, she received a letter saying that next week he meant to come up to town. He wanted to see her about a plan which he had in his head, and moreover, he intended to treat himself to a little doctoring, as he had begun to come around to her opinion that it would be pleasanter to think that his health was more in fault than he when he found himself irritable on cross. There was altogether a tone of forced cheerfulness in the letter, as Margaret noticed afterwards. But at the time, her attention was taken up by Edith's exclamations. Coming up to town, oh dear, and I am so worn out by the heat that I don't believe I have strength enough in me for another dinner. Besides, everybody has left but our dear stupid selves, who can't settle where to go. There would be nobody to meet him. I'm sure he would much rather come and dine with us quite alone than with the most agreeable strangers you could pick up. Besides, if he is not well, he won't wish for invitations. I'm glad he has owned it at last. I was sure he was ill from the whole tone of his letters, and yet he would not answer me when I asked him, and I had no third person to whom I could apply for news. Oh, he is not very ill, or he would not think of Spain. He never mentioned Spain. No, but his plan that is to be proposed evidently relates to that, but would you really go in such weather as this? Oh, it will get cooler every day. Yes, think of it. I am only afraid I have fought and wished too much in that absorbing willful way which is sure to be disappointed or else gratified to the latter while in the spirit it gives no pleasure. But that's superstitious, I'm sure, Margaret. No, I don't think it is. Only ought to warn me and check me from giving way to such passionate wishes. It is a sort of give me children or else I die. I'm afraid my cry is, let me go to Cadiz or else I die. My dear Margaret, you'll be persuaded to stay there and then what shall I do? Oh, I wish I could find somebody for you to marry here that I could be sure of you. I shall never marry. Nonsense and double nonsense. Why, as Shoto says, you're such an attraction to the house and he knows ever so many men who will be glad to visit here next year for your sake. Margaret drew herself up haughtily. Do you know, Edith, I sometimes think your call for you life has taught you. Well, just a shade to have coarseness. Edith began to sob so bitterly and to declare so vehemently that Margaret had lost all love for her and no longer looked upon her as a friend that Margaret came to think that she had expressed too harsh an opinion for the relief of her own wounded pride and ended up by being Edith's slave for the rest of the day. Well, that little lady, overcome by wounded feeling, lay like a victim on the sofa, heaving occasionally a profound sigh till at last she fell asleep. Mr Bell did not make his appearance even on the day to which he had, for a second time, deferred his visit. The next morning there came a letter from Wallace, his servant, stating that his master had not been feeling well for some time, which had been the true reason of his putting off his journey and that at the very time when he should have set out for London, he had been seized with an epileptic fit. It was indeed, Wallace added, the opinion of the medical men that he could not survive the night and more than probable that by the time Miss Hale received this letter, his poor master would be no more. Margaret received this letter at breakfast time and turned very pale as she read it, then silently putting it into Edith's hand, she left the room. Edith was terribly shocked as she read it and cried in a sobbing frightened childish way, much to her husband's distress. Mrs. Shaw was breakfasting in her own room and upon him devolved the task of reconciling his wife to the near contact into which she seemed to be brought with death for the first time she could remember in her life. He was a man who was to have died with them today, lying dead or dying instead. It was some time before she could think of Margaret. Then she started up and followed her upstairs into her room. Dixon was packing up a few toilet articles and Margaret was hastily putting on her bonnet, shedding tears all the time and her hands trembling so that she could hardly tie the strings. Oh, dear Margaret, how shocking. What are you doing? Are you going out? Shota would telegraph or do anything you like. I am going to Oxford. There is a train in half an hour. Dixon has offered to go with me but I could have gone by myself. I must see him again. Besides, he may be better and wants some care. He has been like a father to me. Don't stop me, Edith. But I must, Mama won't like it at all. Come and ask her about it, Margaret. You don't know where you're going. I should not mind if he had a house of his own but in his fellow's rooms. Come to Mama and do ask her before you go. It will not take a minute. Margaret yielded and lost her train. In the suddenness of the event, Mrs. Shaw became bewildered and hysterical and so the precious time slipped by. But there was another train in a couple of hours and after various discussions on propriety and impropriety, it was decided that Captain Lennox should accompany Margaret as the one thing to which she was constant was her resolution to go. Alone or otherwise, by the next train, whatever might be said of the propriety or impropriety of the step. Her father's friend, her own friend, was lying at the point of death and the thought of this came upon her with such vividness that she was surprised herself at the firmness with which she asserted something of her right to independence of action. And five minutes before the time for starting, she found herself sitting in a railway carriage opposite to Captain Lennox. It was always a comfort to her to think that she had gone. That it was only to hear that he had died in the night. She saw the rooms that he had occupied and associated them ever after most fondly in her memory with the idea of her father and his one cherished and faithful friend. They had promised Edith before starting that if all had ended as they feared, they'd returned to dinner. So that long lingering look around the room which her father had died had to be interrupted and a quiet farewell taken of the kind old face that had so often come out with pleasant words and merry quips and cranks. Captain Lennox fell asleep on their journey home and Margaret could cry at leisure and bethink her of this fatal year and all the woes it had brought to her. No sooner was she fully aware of one loss than another came, not to supersede her grief for the one before, but to reopen wounds and feelings scarcely healed. But at the sound of the tender voices around Edith of merry little Shoto's glee at her arrival and at the sight of the well-lighted rooms with their mistress, pretty in her paleness and her eager sorrowful interest, Margaret roused herself from a heavy trance of almost superstitious hopelessness and began to feel that even around her joy and gladness might gather. She had Edith's place on the sofa. Shoto was taught to carry Aunt Margaret's cup of tea very carefully to her and, by the time she went up to dress, she could thank God for having spared her dear old friend a long or a painful illness. But when night came, solemn night, and all the house was quiet, Margaret still sat watching the beauty of a London sky at such an hour on such a summer evening, the faint pink reflection of earthly lights on the soft clouds that float tranquilly into the white moonlight, out of the warm gloom which lies motionless around the horizon. Margaret's room had been the day nursery of her childhood, just when it merged into girlhood and when the feelings and conscience had been first awakened into full activity. On some such night as this, she remembered promising to herself to live as brave and noble a life as any heroine she ever read or heard of in romance. A life sans peur et sans reproche, it had seemed to her then that she had only to will and such a life would be accomplished. And now she had learnt that not only to will but also to pray was a necessary condition in the truly heroic. Trusting to herself she had fallen. It was a just consequence of her sin that all excuses for it, all temptation to it, should remain forever unknown to the person in whose opinion it had sunk her lowest. She stood face to face at last with her sin. She knew it for what it was. Mr. Bell's kindly sophistry that nearly all men were guilty of equivocal actions, and that the motive ennobled the evil, had never had much real weight with her. Her own first thought of how, if she had known all, she might have fearlessly told the truth, seemed low and poor. Nay, even now, her anxiety to have her character for truth, partially excused in Mr. Thornton's eyes, as Mr. Bell had promised to do, was a very small and petty consideration, now that she was afresh taught by death what life should be. If all the world spoke, acted or kept silence with intent to deceive, if dearest interests were at stake and dearest lives in peril, if no one should ever know of her truth or her falsehood to measure out their honour or contempt for her by, straight alone where she stood in the presence of God, she prayed that she might have strength to speak and act the truth for evermore. CHAPTER 48. CHAPTER 49. NORTH AND SOUTH. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Librarian. Alabama, USA. NORTH AND SOUTH by Elizabeth Gaskell. CHAPTER 49. BREATHING TRANQUILITY. And down the sunny beach she paces slowly, with many doubtful pauses by the way, grief hath an influence so hushed and holy, hood. Is not Margaret the heiress whispered Edith to her husband as they were in their room alone at night, after the sad journey to Oxford? She had pulled his tall head down and stood upon tiptoe, and implored him not to be shocked before she had ventured to ask this question. Captain Linux was, however, quite in the dark. If he had ever heard, he had forgotten. It could not be much that a fellow of a small college had to leave, but he had never wanted her to pay for her board. And two hundred and fifty pounds a year was something ridiculous considering that she did not take wine. Edith came down upon her feet a little bit sadder, with a romance blown to pieces. A week afterward she came prancing toward her husband and made him a low curtsy. I am right, and you are wrong, most noble captain. Margaret has had a lawyer's letter, and she is residuary legatee, the legacies being about two thousand pounds, and the remainder about forty thousand at the present value of property and Milton. Indeed! And how does she take her good fortune? Oh, it seems she knew she was to have it all along. Only she had no idea it was so much. She looks very wide and pale and says she's afraid of it, but that's nonsense, you know, and will soon go off. I left Mama pouring congratulations down her throat and stole away to tell you. It seemed to be supposed by general consent that the most natural thing was to consider Mr. Lennox henceforward as Margaret's legal advisor. She was so entirely ignorant of all forms of business that in nearly everything she had to refer to him. He chose out her attorney. He came to her with papers to be signed. He was never so happy as when teaching her of what all these mysteries of the law were, the signs and types. Henry said Edith one day archly, do you know what I hope and expect all these long conversations with Margaret will end in? No, I don't, said he, Redding, and I desire you not to tell me. Oh, very well then. He did not tell Sholto not to ask Mr. Monague so often to the house. Just as you choose, said he, with force coolness, what you were thinking of may or may not happen, but this time before I commit myself I will see my ground clear. Ask whom you choose. It may not be very civil Edith, but if you meddle in it you will mar it. She has been very ferocious with me for a long time and is only just beginning to thaw a little from her Zenobia ways. She has the making of a Cleopatra in her if only she were a little more pagan. For my part said Edith a little maliciously, I am very glad she is a Christian. I know so very few. There was no spain for Margaret that autumn. Although to the last she hoped that some fortunate occasion would call Frederick to Paris, whether she could easily have met with a convoy, instead of Cadiz, she had to contend herself with Cromer. To that place Aunt Shaw and the Lenoxes were bound. They had all along wished her to accompany them, and consequently with their characters, they made but lazy efforts to forward her own separate wish. Perhaps Cromer was in one sense of the expression the best for her. She needed bodily strengthening and bracing as well as rest. Among other hopes that had vanished was the hope, the trust she had had that Mr. Bell would have given Mr. Thornton the simple facts of the family circumstances which had preceded the unfortunate accident that led to Leonard's death. Whatever opinion, however changed it might be from what Mr. Thornton had once entertained, she had wished it to be based upon a true understanding of what she had done and why she had done it. It would have been a pleasure to her, would have given her rest on a point on which she should now all her life be restless unless she could resolve not to think upon it. It was now so long after the time of these occurrences that there was no possible way of explaining them to save the one which she had lost by Mr. Bell's death. She must just submit, like many another, to be misunderstood. But though reasoning herself into the belief that in this hers was no uncommon lot, her heart did not ache the last with longing that some time, years and years hence, before he died at any rate, he might know how much she had been tempted. She thought that she did not want to hear that all was explained to him if only she could be sure that he would know. But this wish was in vain, like so many others. And when she had schooled herself into this conviction, she turned with all her heart and strength to the life that lay immediately before her and resolved to strive and make the best of that. She used to sit long hours upon the beach, gazing intently on the waves as they chafed with perpetual motion against the pebbly shore. Or she looked out upon the more distant heave and sparkle against the sky and heard without being conscious of hearing the eternal psalm which went up continually. She was soothed without knowing how or why. Listlessly she sat there on the ground, her hands clasped round her knees, while her aunt Shaw did small shoppings and Edith and Captain Linux rode far and wide on shore and inland. The nurses, sonoring on with their charges, would pass and repass her and wonder and whispers what she could find to look at so long day after day. And when the family gathered at dinner time, Margaret was so silent and absorbed that Edith voted her moped and hailed a proposal of her husbands with great satisfaction that Mr. Henry Linux should be asked to take chromophore a week on his return from Scotland in October. But all this time forethought enabled Margaret to put events in the right places as to origin and significance, both as regarded her past life and her future. Those hours by the seaside were not lost as any one might have seen who had had the perception to read or the care to understand the look that Margaret's face was gradually acquiring. Mr. Henry Linux was excessively struck by the change. The sea has done Miss Hale an immense deal of good, I should fancy, said he, when she first left the room after his arrival in their family circle. She looks ten years younger than she did in Harley Street. That's the bonnet I got her, said Edith triumphantly. I knew it would suit her the moment I saw it. I beg your pardon, said Mr. Linux, in the half-contemptuous, half-indulgent tone he generally used to Edith. But I believe I know the difference between the charms of a dress and the charms of a woman. No mere bonnet would have made Miss Hale's eyes so lustrous and yet so soft, or her lips so ripe and red, and her face altogether so full of peace and light. She is like, and yet more, he dropped his voice, like the Margaret Hale of Halston. From this time the clever and ambitious man brought all his powers to gaining Margaret. He loved her sweet beauty. He saw the latent sweep of her mind, which could easily, he thought, be led to embrace all the objects on which he had set his heart. He looked upon her fortune only as a part of the complete and superb character of herself and her position. Yet he was fully aware of the rise and immediately enable him, the poor barrister to take. Eventually he would earn such success and such honors as would enable him to pay her back with interest, that first advance in wealth which he should owe to her. He had been to Milton on business connected with her property on his return from Scotland and with the quick eye of a skilled lawyer that he ever to take in and weigh contingencies. He had seen that much additional value was yearly accruing to the lands and tenements which she owned in that prosperous and increasing town. He was glad to find that the present relationship between Margaret and himself of client and legal advisor was gradually superseding the recollection of that unlucky marriage day at Halston. He had thus the unusual opportunities of intimate intercourse with her besides those that arose from the connection between the families. Margaret was only too willing to listen as long as he talked of Milton though he had seen none of the people whom she more especially knew. It had been the tone with her aunt and cousin to speak of Milton with dislike and contempt. Just such feelings as Margaret was a shame to remember she had expressed and felt on first going to live there. But Mr. Lennox almost exceeded Margaret in his appreciation of the character of Milton and its inhabitants. Their energy, their power, their indomitable courage in struggling and fighting, and vividness of existence captivated and arrested his attention. He was never tired of talking about them and had never perceived how selfish and material were too many of the ends they proposed to themselves as a result of all their mighty untiring endeavor. Till Margaret, even in the midst of her gratification, had the candor to point this out as the tainting sin of so much that was noble and to be admired. Still, when other subjects palled upon her and she gave but short answers to many questions, Henry Lennox found out that an inquiry as to some darker peculiarity of character called back the light into her eye, the glow into her cheek. When they returned to town, Margaret fulfilled one of her seaside resolves and took her life into her own hands. Before they went to Cromer, she had been as docile to her aunt's laws as if she were still the scared little stranger who cried herself to sleep that first night in the Harley Street Nursery. But she had learned, in those solemn hours of thought, that she herself must one day answer for her own life and what she had done with it. And she tried to settle that most difficult problem for women, how much was to be utterly merged in obedience to authority and how much might be set apart for freedom in working. Mrs. Shaw was as good tempered as could be and Edith had inherited this charming domestic quality. Margaret herself had probably the worst temper of the three for her quick perceptions and over lively imagination made her hasty and her early isolation from sympathy had made her proud. But she had an indescribable childlike sweetness of heart which made her manners even in her rarely willful moods irresistible of old and now, chastened even by what the world called her good fortune, she charmed her reluctant aunt with her acquiescence with her will. So Margaret gained the acknowledgement of her right to follow her own ideas of duty. Only don't be strong minded, pleaded Edith. Mama wants you to have a footman of your own and I'm sure you're very welcome for their great plagues only to please me darling don't go and have a strong mind. It's the only thing I ask footman or no footman don't be strong minded. Don't be afraid Edith. I'll faint on your hands at the servant's dinner time the very first opportunity and then what with Sholto playing with the fire and the baby crying you'll begin to wish for a strong minded woman equal to any emergency. And you'll not grow too good to joke and be merry not I I shall be merrier than I have ever been now I have got my own way and you'll not go a figure but let me buy your dresses for you indeed I mean to buy them for myself you shall come with me if you like but no one can please me but myself oh I was afraid you'd dress in brown and dust color show the dirt you'll pick up in all those places I'm glad you're going to keep one or two vanities just by way of specimens of the old Adam I'm going to be just the same Edith if you and my aunt could but fancy so only as I have neither husband or child to give me natural duties I must make myself some in addition to ordering my gowns in the family John Glaib which was made up of Edith her mother and her husband it was decided that perhaps all these plans of hers would only secure her the more for Henry Lennox they kept her out of the way of other friends who might have eligible sons or brothers and it was also agreed that she never seemed to take much pleasure in the society of anyone but Henry of their own family the other admirers attracted by her appearance or the reputation of her fortune were swept away by her unconscious smiling disdain into the paths frequented by other beauties less fastidious or other heiresses with a larger amount of gold Henry and she grew slowly into closer intimacy but neither he nor she were people to brew up the slightest notice of their proceedings end of chapter 49 chapter 50 changes at Milton here we go up up up and here we go down down downy nursery song meanwhile at Milton the chimney smoked the ceaseless roar and mighty beat and dizzying will of machinery struggled and strove perpetually senseless and purposeless were wooden iron and steam in their endless labors but the persistence of their monotonous work was rivaled in tireless endurance by the strong crowds who with sense and with purpose were busy and dressless in seeking after what? in the streets there were few loiterers none walking for meal pleasure every man's face was set in lines of eagerness or anxiety news was sought for with fierce avidity and men jostled each other aside in the mart and in the exchange as they did in life in the deep selfishness of competition there was gloom over the town few came to buy and those who did were looked at suspiciously by the sellers for credit was insecure and the most stable might have their fortunes affected by the sweep in the great neighboring port among the shipping houses hitherto there had been no failures in Milton but from the immense speculations that had come to light in making a bad end in America and yet nearer home it was known that some Milton houses of business must suffer so severely that every day men's faces asked if their tongues did not what news? who is gone? how will it affect me? and if two or three spoke together they dwelt rather on the names of those who were safe than dared to hint at those likely in their opinion to go for idle breath may at such times cause the downfall of some who might weather the storm and one going down drags many after Thornton is safe, say they his business is large extending every year but such a head as he has and so prudent with all his daring then one man draws another aside and walks a little apart and with head inclined into his neighbor's ear he says Thornton's business is large but he has spent his profits in extending it he has no capital laid by his machinery is new within these two years and has cost him we won't say what a word to the wise but that Mr. Harrison was a croaker a man who had succeeded to his father's trade made fortune which he had feared to lose by altering his mode of business to any having a larger scope yet he grudged every penny made by others more daring and farsighted but the truth was Mr. Thornton was heart pressed he felt it acutely in his vulnerable point his pride in the commercial character which he had established for himself architect of his own fortunes he attributed this to no special marital qualities of his own but to the power which he believed that commerce gave to every brave honest and preserving man to raise himself to a level from which he might see and read the great game of worldly success and honestly by such farsightedness command more power and influence than in any other mode of life far away in the east and in the west where his person would never be known his name was to be regarded and his wishes to be fulfilled and his word passed like gold that was the idea of merchant life with which Mr. Thornton had started her merchants be like princes said his mother reading the text aloud as if it were a trumpet call to invite her boy to the struggle he was but like many others men, women and children alive to distant and dead to near things he sought to possess the influence of a name in foreign countries and far away seas from the head of a firm that should be known for generations and it had taken him long silent years to come even to a glimmering of what he might be now, today here in his own town his own factory among his own people he and they had led parallel lives very close but never touching till the accident or so it seemed of his acquaintance with Higgins once brought face to face man to man individual of the masses around him and take notice out of the character of master and workmen in the first instance they had each other began to recognize that we have all of us one human heart it was the fine point of the wedge and until now when the apprehension of losing his connection with two or three of the workmen whom he had so lately began to know as men of having a plan or two which were experiments lying very close to his heart roughly nipped off without trial gave a new poignancy to the subtle fear that came over him from time to time until now he had never recognized how much and how deep was the interest he had grown of late to fill in his position as manufacturer simply because it led him into such close contact and gave him the opportunity of so much power among the race of people strange shrewd, ignorant thoughtful, full of character and strong human feeling he reviewed his position as a Milton manufacturer the strike a year and a half ago or more for it was now untimely winter weather in late spring that strike when he was young and he now was old had prevented his completing some of the large orders he had then on hand he had looked up a good deal of his capital in a new and expensive machinery and he had also bought cotton largely for the fulfillment of these orders taken under contract that he had not been able to complete them was owing in some degree to the utter want of skill on the part of the Irish hands whom he had imported much of the work was damaged and unfit to be sent forth by a house which prided itself on turning out nothing but first trade articles for many months the embarrassment by the strike had been an obstacle in Mr. Thornton's way and often when his eye fell on Higgins he could have spoken angrily to him without any present cause just from feeling how serious was the injury that had a reason from this affair in which he was implicated but when he became conscious of this sudden quick resentment he resolved to curb it it would not satisfy him to avoid Higgins he must convince himself that he was master over his own anger by being particularly careful to allow Higgins access to him whenever the strict rules of business or Mr. Thornton's leisure permitted and by and by he lost all sense of resentment in wonder how it was or could be that two men like himself and Higgins living by the same trade working in their different ways at the same object in this position and duties in so strangely different a way and this arose that intercourse which though it might not have the effect of preventing all future clash of opinion and action when the occasion arose would at any rate enable both master and men to look upon each other with far more charity and sympathy and pair with each other more patiently and kindly besides this improvement of feeling both Mr. Thornton and his workmen found out their ignorance as to positive matters of fact known here to fore to one side but not to the other but now had come one of those periods of bad trade when the market falling brought down the value of all large stocks Mr. Thornton's fell to nearly half no orders were coming in so he lost the interest of the capital he had locked up in machinery indeed it was difficult to get payment for the orders completed yet there was the constant drain of expenses for working the business then the bills became due for the cotton he had purchased and money being scarce he could only borrow at exuberant interest and yet he could not realize any of his property but he did not despair he exerted himself day and night to foresee and to provide for all emergencies he was as calm and gentle to the women in his home as ever to the workmen in his mill he spoke not many words but they knew him by this time and many occurred decided answer was received by them rather with sympathy for the care they saw pressing upon him than with the suppressed antagonism which had formally been smoldering and ready for hard words and hard judgements on the locations the masters deal to potter him said Higgins one day as he heard Mr. Thornton's short sharp inquiry why such a command had not been obeyed and caught the sound of the suppressed sigh which he heaved in going past the room where some of the men were working Higgins and another man stopped over hours that night unknown to anyone to get the neglected piece of work done and Mr. Thornton never knew but that the overlooker to whom he had given the command in the first instance had done it himself A. I reckon I know who'd had me sorry for to see our masters sitting so like a piece of grey calico thought parson would have fretted his women's heart out if he'd seen the woeful looks I have seen in our masters face thought Higgins one day as he was approaching Mr. Thornton in Malboro Street master said he's stopping his employer in his quick resolved walk and causing that gentleman to look up with a sudden annoyed start as if his thoughts had been far away Have you heard of Miss Margaret lately? Miss who? replied Mr. Thornton Miss Margaret Miss Hale, the old parson's daughter you know who I mean well enough if you'll only think a bit there was nothing disrespectful in the tone in which this was said oh yes and suddenly the wintery frostbound look of care had left Mr. Thornton's face as if some soft summer gale had blown all anxiety away from his mind and though his mouth was as much compressed as before his eyes smiled out bennantly on his questioner she's my lender now you know Higgins I hear of her through her agent here every now and then she's well and among friends thank you Higgins that thank you that lingered after the other words and yet came with so much warm of feeling led in a new light to the acute Higgins it might be but a will of the wisp but he thought he would follow it and a certain whether it would lead him and she's not getting married master not yet the face was cloudy once more there is some talk of it as I understand the connection of the family then she'll not be for coming to Milton again I reckon no stop a minute master then going up confidentially close he said is the young gentleman cleared he enforced the depth of his indulgence by a wink of the eye which only made things more mysterious to Mr. Thornton the young gentleman I mean must have read it they called him her brother as was over here you know over here I to be sure at Mrs. Death I need not be feared of my telling for Mary and me we knowed it all along only we held our peace for we got it through Mary working the house and he was over here it was her brother sure enough and I reckoned you knowed it or I'd never held it on the brother yes I know all about him and he was over at Mrs. Hale's death Nye I'm not going for to tell more I've may be getting them into a mischief already for they kept it very close I know but wanted to know if they get in him cleared not that I know of I know nothing I only hear of Miss Hale now as my landlord and through her lawyer he broke off from Higgins the business on which he had been banned when the latter first accosted him leaving Higgins baffled in his endeavour it was her brother said Mrs. Thornton to himself I am glad I may never see her again but it is a comfort a relief to know that much I knew she could not be unmaidenly and yet I yearned for conviction now I am glad it was a little golden thread running through the dark web of his present fortunes which were growing ever gloomer and more gloomy his agent had largely trusted a house in the American trade which went down along with several others just at this time like a pack of cards the fall of one compelling other failures what were Mr. Thornton's engagements could he stand night after night he took books and papers into his own private room and set up long hours after the family were gone to bed he thought that no one knew of this occupation of the hours he should have spent in sleep one morning when daylight was stealing in through the crevices of his shutters and he had never been in bed and in hopeless indifference of mind was thinking that he could do without the hour or two of rest which was all that he should be able to take before the steer of daily labor began again the door of his room opened and his mother stood there dressed as she had been the day before she had never laid herself down to slumber any more than he their eyes met their faces were cold and rigid and worn from long watching mother why are you not in bed son John said she do you think I can sleep with an easy mind while you keep awake full of care you have not told me what your trouble is but so troubled you have had this many days past trade is bad and you dread I dread nothing replied he drawing up his head and made it erect I know now that no man will suffer by me that was my anxiety but how do you stand shall you will it be a failure her steady voice trembling in an unwanted manner not a failure I must give up business but I pay all men I might redeem myself I am sorely tempted how oh John keep up your name I have all risks for that how redeem it by speculation offered to me full of risk but if successful placing me high above watermark so that no one need ever know the trade I am in still if it fails and if it fails said she advancing and laying her hand on his arm her eyes full of eager light she held her breath to hear the end of his pitch honest man are ruined by a rogue said he gloomily as I stand now my creditors money is safe every farting of it but I don't know where to find my own it might be all gone and I penniless at this moment therefore it is my creditors money that I should risk but if it succeeded they need never know is it so desperate a speculation I am sure it is not or you would have never thought of it if it succeeded I should be a rich man and my piece of conscious would be gone why you would have injured no one no but I should have run the risk of ruining many for my old poultry aggrandizement mother I have decided you want much grief over our living this house shall you do mother no but to have you older than what you are will break my heart what can you do be always the same John Thornton in whatever circumstances endeavoring to do right and making great blunders and then trying to be brave in setting to a fresh but it is hard mother I have so worked and planned I have discovered new powers in my situation too late and now all is over I am too old to begin again with the same heart it is hard mother he turned away from her and covered his face with his hands I can't think said she with gloomy defiance in her tone how it comes about here is my boy good son just men tender heart and he face in all he said his mind upon he finds a woman to love and he cares no more for his affection than if he had been any common man he labors and his labor comes to not other people prosper and grow rich and hold their poultry names high and dry above shame shame never touched me said he in a low tone but she went on I sometimes have wondered where justice was gone to and now I don't believe there is such a thing in the world now you are come to this John Thornton though you and I may be beggars together my own dear son she fell upon his neck and kissed him through her tears mother said he holding her gently in his arms who has sent me my lot in life both of good and of evil she shook her head she would have nothing to do with religion just then mother he went on seeing that she would not speak I too have been rebellious but I am striving to be so no longer help me as you helped me when I was a child then you said many good words when my father died you were sometimes sorely short of comforts which we shall never be now you said brave noble trustful words then mother which I have never forgotten though they may have lain dormant speak to me again in the old way mother do not let us have to think that the word has too much hardened our hearts if you would say the old good words it would make me feel something of the pyosimplicity of my childhood I say them to myself but they would come differently from you remembering all the cares and trials you have had to bear I have had a many said she sobbing but none so sore as this to see you cast down from your rightful place I could say it for myself John but not for you not for you God has seen fit to be very hard on you very she shook with the sobs that come so conversively when an old person weeps the silence around her struck her at last and she quieted herself to listen no sound she looked her son sat by the table his arms thrown half across it his head bent face downwards oh John she said and she lifted his face up such a strange pallid look of gloom was in it that for a moment it struck her that this look was the forerunner of death but as the rigidity melted out of the countess and the natural color returned and she saw that he was himself once again all worldly mortification sank to nothing before the consciousness of the great blessing that he himself by his simple existence was to her she thanked God for this and this alone with a fervor that swept away all rebellious feelings from her mind he did not speak readily but he went and opened the shutters and let the ruddy light of down-float the room but the wind was in the east the weather was piercing cold as it had been for weeks there would be no demand for light summer goods this year that hope for the revival of trade must utterly be given up it was a great comfort to have had this conversation with his mother and to feel sure that however they might henceforward keep silence on all these anxieties they yet understood each other's feelings and were if not in harmony at least not in discord with each other in their way of viewing them Fanny's husband was vexed at Thornton's refusal to take any share in the speculation which he had offered to him and withdrew from any possibility of being supposed able to assist him with the ready money which indeed the speculator needed for his own venture there was nothing for it at last but that which Mr. Thornton had dreaded for many weeks he had to give up the business he had been so long engaged with so much honor and success and look out for a subordinate situation Malboro meals and adjacent dwelling were held under a long lease they must, if possible, be relived there was an immediate choice of situations offered to Mr. Thornton Mr. Humber would have been only too glad to have secured him as a steady and experienced partner for his son whom he was setting up with a large capital in a neighboring town but the young man was half educated as regarding information and wholly uneducated as regarded any other responsibility than that of getting money and brutalized both as to his pleasures and his pains Mr. Thornton declined having any share in the partnership which would frustrate what few plans he had that survived the wreck of his fortunes he would sooner consent to be only a manager where he could have a certain degree of power beyond that mere money-getting part than have to fall in with the tyrannical humors of a moneyed partner with whom he felt sure that he should quarrel in a few months so he waited and stood on one side with profound humility as the news swept through the exchange of the enormous fortune which his brother-in-law had made by his daring speculation it was a nine days wonder success brought with it its worldly consequence of extreme admiration no one was considered so wise and far-seeing as Mr. Watson End of chapter 50