 section 42 chapter 36 part 1 of Dearbrook this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Gary Day Dearbrook by Harriet Martino section 42 chapter 36 part 1 the next day the hours of a sleepless night were not too long for hope to revolve what he must say and do on the morrow he must meet enderby and the day would probably decide Margaret's fate that this decision would implicate his own happiness or misery was a subordinate thought it was not till after he had viewed Margaret's case in every light in which apprehension could place it that he dwelt upon what the suffering to himself must be of seeing Margaret day by day living on in meek patience amidst the destruction of hope and happiness which his attachment had caused when he did dwell upon it his heart sank within him all that have made him unhappy seemed of late to have passed away for many months he had seen Margaret satisfied in her attachment to another he had seen Hester coming out nobly from the trial of adversity in which all her fine qualities had been exercised and her weaknesses almost subdued she had been not only the devoted wife but patient and generous towards her foes full of faith and cheerfulness in her temper and capable of any degree of self-denial in the conduct of her daily life she had been of late all that in the days of their engagement in the days when he had dealt falsely with his own mind he had trusted she would be a friendship whose tenderness was life enough for them both had grown up in his soul and he had been at peace it had been a subject of incessant thankfulness to him that the evil of what he could now hardly consider as a false step had been confined to himself that his struggles his strivings the dreadful solitary conflicts of a few months had not been in vain that he had fulfilled the claim of both relations and marred no one's peace now he was plunged into the struggle again the cause was at an end but consequences of perhaps endless wretchedness remained to be born his secret was known and made the basis of untruths to which the whole happiness of his household so victoriously struggled for so carefully cherished by him and so lately secured must be sacrificed again and again he turned from the fearful visions of Margaret cast off of the estrangement of the sisters of the possible loss of some of their fair fame from these harrowing thoughts he turned again and again to consider what must be done the most certain thing was that he must not by word look pause or admission countenance to end to be himself the supposition that he had not preferred Hester at the time she became his wife in the present state of their attachment this was the merest justice to her nothing that it was in Mrs. Gray's power to reveal or a relation to any time later than his early and it might be assumed superficial intercourse with the sisters and as far as he knew no one else unless it were Frank by this time in possession of the facts had ever conceived of the true state of the case he must decline all question about his domestic relations except as far as Margaret was concerned beyond this he would allow of no inquisition and would forbid all speculation for Margaret's sake no less than Hester's this was necessary if she should ever be end of his wife it was of the utmost importance that end to be should not in his most secret soul hold this information however strongly he might be convinced that Margaret was in ignorance of it and had never loved any but himself there must be no admission to end to be of that which had been truth but which would become untruth by being first admitted now there must be entire silence upon the whole subject of himself as to Margaret he did not see what could be done but to declare his true and perfect belief that she had never loved any but end to be but alas what chance was there of this testimony being received the very point of end of his accusation being that they both looked perhaps in self-delusion at the connection with him as their security from the consequences of hope's weakness in marrying Hester it was all confused all retched all nearly hopeless Margaret would be sacrificed without knowing why would have her heart rung with the sense of injury in addition to her woe from reflections and anticipations hope rose early to the great duty of the day he told Hester that he was going to meet end to be in the meadows to receive a full explanation of his conduct of the preceding day and that it was probable that he should bring home whatever tidings it might be Margaret's lot to hear he found during the long and anxious conversation in the meadow that he had need of all the courage calmness and discretion he could command it was a cruel trial to one who's want it had been from his childhood to converse in simplicity and godly sincerity it was a cruel trial to hear evidence upon evidence bought of what he knew to have been fact and to find connected with this revolting falsehoods against which he could only utter the indignation of his soul when he afterwards reflected how artfully the facts and falsehoods were connected he could no longer wonder at end of his convictions nor at the conduct which proceeded from them there was an end to be this morning no undue anger no contempt which could excite anger in another no doubt cast by him on hope's honor or Margaret's purity of mind as the world esteems purity however this might have been before their meeting of yesterday it was now clear that though immovably convinced of their mutual attachment he supposed it to have been entertained as innocently as it was formed that hope had been wrought upon by mrs. Gray and by a consciousness of Hester's love that he had married from a false sense of honor and then discovered his mistake that he had striven naturally and with success to persuade himself that Margaret loved his friend while Margaret had made the same effort and would have married that friend for security and with the hope of rest in a home of her own with one whom she might possibly love and to whom she was bound by his love of herself as for the evidence on which his belief was founded there seemed to be no end to it hope could do little but listen to the detail if he had been sitting in judgment on the conduct of an imputed criminal he would have wrestled with the evidence obstinately and long but what could he do when it was the lover of his sister-in-law who was declaring why his confidence in her was gone and he must resume his plighted faith none but those who had done the mischief could repair it and least of all hope himself he could only make one single solemn protestation of his belief that Margaret had loved none but enderby and denying the truth of every statement was inconsistent with this the exhibition of the evidence showed how penetrating how surgesious as well as how industrious malice can be there seemed to be no circumstance connected with the sisters and their relation to mr. hope that mrs. Rowland had not laid hold of mrs. Gray's visit to hope during his convalescence his subsequent seclusion and his depression when he reappeared all these were noted and it was these which sent enderby to mrs. Gray for an explanation which she had not had courage or judgment to withhold which indeed she had been hurried into giving she had admitted all that had passed between herself and mr. Hope his constellation at finding that it was Hester who loved him and whom he must marry and the force with which mrs. Gray had felt herself obliged to urge that duty upon him end to be connected with his own observations and feelings at the time his last summer's conviction that it was Margaret whom hope loved his rapturous surprise on hearing of the engagement being to Hester and his wonder at the coldness with which his friend received his congratulations he now thought that he must have been doomed to blindness not to have discerned the truth through all this then there was his own intrusion during the interview which hope had had with Margaret their countenances had haunted him ever since hopes was full of constraint and anxiety he was telling his intentions Margaret's face was downcast and her attitude motionless she was hearing her doom then after hope was married all dear Brooke was aware of his failure of spirits and of Margaret's no less it was a matter of common remark that there must be something amiss that all was not right at home they had then doubtless discovered that the attachment was mutual and that they might well be wretched those who ought to know best had been convinced of this at an earlier stage of the intercourse Mrs. Rowland had met at Cheltenham a young officer an intimate friend of Mr. Hope's family who would not be persuaded that it was not to the younger sister that Mr. Hope was married he declared that he knew from the highest authority that hope was attached to Margaret and that the attachment was returned it was not until Mrs. Rowland had shown him the announcement of the marriage in an old Blickley newspaper which she happened to have used impacting her trunk that he would believe that it was the elder sister who was Hope's wife there was one person however who had known the whole and to be said perhaps she was the only person who had been aware of it all and that was his mother in answer to Hope's exclamations upon the absurdity of this and to be said that a thousand circumstances rose up to confirm Mrs. Rowland's statement that her mother had known all and had learned it from Margaret herself Margaret had confided in her old friend as in a mother and nothing could be more natural nothing probably more necessary to an overburdened heart this explained his mother's never having shown his letters to Margaret the person for whom as she knew they were chiefly written this explained the words of concern about the domestic troubles of the hopes which now and then during her long confinement she had dropped in Phoebe's hearing and even in her letters to her son she had repeatedly regretted that Margaret would not leave her sister's house and returned to Birmingham saying that income and convenience were not to be thought of for a moment in comparison with some other considerations in fact she had it was weakness perhaps but one not to be judged too hardly under the circumstances she had revealed a hole to her daughter under injunctions to secrecy which had been strictly observed while she lived and broken now only for a brother's sake and after a long conflict between obligations apparently contradictory when from her deathbed she had welcomed Margaret as a daughter-in-law it was in the gratitude which it was natural for a mother to feel on finding the attachment of an only son at length appreciated and rewarded when she had implored mrs. Rowland to receive Margaret as a sister and had seen them embrace her generous spirit had rejoiced in her young friend's conquest of an unhappy passion and she had meant to convey to Priscilla an admonition to bury in oblivion what had become known to her and to forgive Margaret for having loved anyone but Philip Priscilla could not make a difficulty at such a time and in such a presence she had submitted to the embrace but her soul had recalled from it she had actually fainted under the shock and ever since she had declared to her brother with a pertinacity which he had been unable to understand which indeed had looked like sheer audacity that he would never marry Margaret Ibbotson Philip was now convinced that he had done his sister much wrong her temper and conduct were in some instances indefensible but since he had learned all this and become aware how much of what he had censured had been said and done out of affection for himself he had been disposed rather to blame her for the lateness of her explanations than for any excess of zeal on his account zeal which he had admitted had carried her a point or two beyond the truth in some of her aims these statements about the condition of Margaret's mind were born out by circumstances known to others when Margaret had been rescued from drowning hope was heard to breathe as he bent over her oh god my Margaret and it was observed that she rallied instantly on hearing the exclamation and repaid him with a look worthy of his words this had been admitted to end to be himself by the one who heard it and who might be trusted to speak of it to no one else then it was known that when Margaret was in the habit of taking long walks alone towards the end of the winter she was met occasionally by her brother-in-law in his rides naturally enough their conversation had been overheard once at least when they were consulted about the peace of their home how much of a certain set of circumstances should they communicate in Mrs. Hope and whether or not Mr. Enderby was engaged to a lady abroad without these testimonies Enderby felt that he had only to recur to his own experience to be convinced that Margaret had never loved him those striving to persuade herself as well as him that she did the calmness with which she had received his avowls that first evening last winter struck him with admiration at the time he now understood it better he wondered he had felt so little till now the coldness of her tone of her correspondence the first thing which awakened him to an admission of it was her refusal to marry him in the spring she shrank as she avowed from leaving her present residence she might have said from quitting those she loved best it was clear that in marrying she was to make a sacrifice to duty to secure innocence and safety for herself and those who were dearest to her and that when the time drew near she recoiled from the effort Enderby was thankful that all had become clear in time for her release and his own the horror with which Hope listened to this was beyond what he had prepared himself for beyond all that he had yet endured Enderby seemed quite willing to hear him but what could be said only that which he had planned his protest against the truth of certain of the statements and the justice of some of the constructions of facts was strong he declared that in his perfect satisfaction with his domestic state his happiness with his beloved and honored wife he would admit no question about his family affairs as far as he and Hester were concerned he denied at once and forever all that went to show that Margaret had for a moment regarded him otherwise than as a brother and a friend and declared that the bare mention to her of the idea which was uppermost in Enderby's mind would be a cruelty and insult which could never be retrieved he was not going to plead for her bitterly as she must suffer it was from a cause which laid too deep for cure from a want of faith in her in one who ought to know her best but from whom she would be henceforth best separated if what he had been saying was his deliberate belief and judgment Enderby declaring that it was so and that it was his intention to release Margaret from her engagement gently and carefully without useless explanation and without reproach there was nothing more to be said or done hope prophesied imparting that of all the days of Enderby's life this was perhaps that of which he would someday most heartily repent and while he spoke he felt that this same day was the one which he might himself find the most difficult to endure he left Enderby still pacing the meadow and walked homewards with a heart weighed down with a grief a grief which yet he would feign have this increased to any degree of intensity by taking Margaret's upon himself Margaret was at the breakfast table with her sister when he entered her eyes were swollen but her manner was gentle and composed she looked up at Edward when he appeared with an expression of timid expectation in her face which went to his soul a few words passed a very few and then no more was said yes I have seen him he is very wretched he will not come but we shall hear something I have no doubt a strange persuasion which I cannot remove of a prior attachment of a want of frankness and confidence he will explain himself presently but his persuasion is irremovable Hester had much to say of him out of her throbbing heart but she looked at Margaret and restrained herself what must be there in that heart to utter one word would be irreverent the breakfast passed in an almost unbroken silence it had not been long over when the expected letter came hope never saw it but there was no need he perfectly anticipated its contents while to her for whom they were written they were incomprehensible I spare you and myself the misery of an interview it must be agonizing to you and there would be dishonour as well as pain to me in witnessing that agony if as I fully believe you have been hitherto blind to the injustice of your connecting yourself with me from a sense of duty and expediency when you have not had a first genuine love to give I think you will see it now and I pity your suffering in the discovery there is only one point on which I wish or intend to hang any reproach why did you not when I had become entitled to your confidence lay your heart fully open to me did I not do so by you did I not reveal to you even the transient fancy which I entertained long ago and which I showed my faith in you her friend by revealing if you had only done the same if you had only let me know without a hint as to the object that you had been attached and that you believed I might succeed to your affections in time if you had done this I do not say that we should then have been what I so lately trusted we were to be for my soul is jealous has been made so by what I thought you and will bear none but a first and an entire and an exclusive love but in that case I should have cherished you in my inmost heart as all that I have believed you to be though not destined for me but I do not blame you you have done what you meant to be right though from too great regard to one set of considerations you have mistaken the right and have sacrificed me I make allowance for your difficulty and for my own part pardon you and testify most sincerely and earnestly to the purity of your mind and intentions do not reject this parting testimony I offer it because I would not have you think me harsh or suppose that passion has made me unjust I love you too deeply to do more than mourn I have no heart to blame except for your want of confidence of that I have a right to complain but for the rest spare yourself the effort of self-justification it is not needed I do not accuse you you were writing saying yesterday that I love you still I shall ever love you be our separate lives what they may God bless you p.e will you not wait my dearest Margaret said Hester when within half an hour of the arrival of enderby's letter she met her sister on the stairs with the reply in her hand sealed and ready to be sent why such haste the events of your life may hang on this day on this one letter can it be right to be so rapid in what you think and do the event of my life is decided she replied unless no the event of my life is decided I have nothing more to wait for I have written what I think and it must go end of section 42 section 43 chapter 36 part 2 of Dearbrook this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Gary Day Dearbrook by Harriet Martino chapter 36 the next day part 2 it was as follows I have nothing to say in reply to your letter for I cannot understand it yet I wonder less at your letter than at your having written it instead of coming to me to say all that is in your mind at some moments I still think that you will I feel that you are on your way hither and I fancy that this dreadful dream of your displeasure will pass away it is the very first time in my life that anyone has been seriously and lastingly displeased with me and though I feel that I have not deserved it I am very wretched that you of all others should blame me and cease to trust me there ought to be some comfort in the thought that your anger is without cause but I cannot find such comfort for I feel that though I could endure your loss by long absence or death I cannot live in the spirit in which I should wish to live without your esteem it is useless alas to entreat you to come and explain yourself or in some other way put me in possession of the cause of your anger if you could resist the claims I had upon you for confidence before I knew what was going to befall me if you could resist the demand I made yesterday I fear there is little use in imploring you to do me justice if I thought there was any chance I would submit to entreat though I would not have you any more than myself forget that I have a right to demand but indeed I would yield everything that I dare forego to have you awakened from this strange delusion which makes us both wretched it is no time for pride now I cannot how fully you know what I feel I only wish that you could see into my soul as into your own for then you would not misjudge me as you do I cannot what anyone may think of my throwing myself upon the love which I am certain that you feel for me if I can only persuade you to tell me what you mean and to hear what I shall then have to say what can I now say I will not reproach you for I know you must be even if possible more miserable than I but yet how can I help feeling that you have been unjust and harsh with me yes though the tone of your letter seems to be gentle and you clearly meant it to be so I feel that you have been very harsh to me nothing that you can do shall ever make me so cruel to you you may rest satisfied if we should not meet again I will never be unjust to you to everyone about me it will appear that you are fickle and dishonorable that you have acted towards me as it is in the nature of some men to act towards the women's whose affections they possess in the nature of some men but not in yours I know you to be incapable of anything worse than error or mistrust and till yesterday I could not have believed you capable of this much wrong and you may trust me to impute to you nothing worse than this suffering as I now am as we both are under this error and mistrust may I not implore you for your own sake for mine it is too late to nourish the weak part of yourself to question your own unworthy doubts and to study the best parts of the minds you meet till you are assured as a religious man ought to be that there can be no self-interest and much less falsehood mixed up with any real affection with any such affection as has existed between us too I must not write more for I do not know I cannot conjecture how you may receive what I have written thinking of me as you do now it is strange to remember that at this time yesterday in this very chair I was writing to you oh how differently is it possible that it was only yesterday such a world of misery as we have lived through since but I can write no more it may be that you will despise me in every line as you read after what has happened I cannot tell notwithstanding all that I have said about trusting I feel at this moment as if I could never depend on anything in the world again if you should come within this hour and explain all how could I be sure that the same thing might not happen again but do not let this wire moment with you if indeed you think of coming if I do not see you today I shall never see you I will then bear in mind as you desire and as I cannot help that you still love me but how little comfort there is in love when trust is gone God comfort us both Margaret Ibbotson Mrs Rowland was crossing the hall at the moment that her maid Betsy opened the door to Mr Hope's errand boy and took in this letter where are you carrying that letter she said as Betsy passed her to the study ma'am against Mr Endaby comes in it is for Mr Endaby ma'am very well the letter was placed on the study mantelpiece the place of deposit for letters for absent members of the family Mrs Rowland meantime resumed her seat in the drawing room where the nursemaid was amusing the baby mama took the baby and sent the maid away she had a strong belief that her brother might be found somewhere in the shrubbery though some feeling had prevented her telling the servant so when the letter was taking in she went with the baby in her arms into the study to see whether Philip was visible in any part of the garden that could be seen thence but she stopped short of the window the handwriting on the address of the letter troubled her sight more than half persuaded as she was of the truth of much that she had told her brother strenuously as she had nourished the few facts she was in possession of till she had made them yield a double crop of inferences she was yet conscious of large exaggerations of what she knew and of huge additions to what she believed to be probabilities and had delivered as facts there was in that handwriting a prophecy of detection and like other cowards she began to tamper with her reason and conscience there is great mischief in letters at such times she thought they are so difficult to answer and it is so possible to produce any effect that may be wished by them as my husband was reading the other day it is so easy to be virtuous to be perfect upon paper nothing that the girl can say ought to alter the state of the case it can only harass philips feelings and perhaps cause all the work to be gone over again his letter was meant to be final i am confident from his intending to go away this evening there should have been no answer this letter is a pure impertinence and ought to be treated as such it is a sort of duty to use it as it deserves many parents at least i know old mr boil did burn letters which they know to contain offers to daughters whom they do not wish to part with mr boil had no scruple and i'm sure this is the stronger case better end the whole affair at once and then philip will be free to form a better connection he will thank me one day for having broken off this she carried the letter into the drawing room slowly contemplating it as she went she thought for one fleeting instant of reading it she was not withheld by honor but by fear she shrank from encountering its contents she glanced over the mantelpiece and saw that the lucifer matches were at hand to make a letter burn quickly it was necessary to unfold it she put the child down on the rug a favorite play place for the sake of the gay pink and green shavings which at this time of year curtain the great while baby crawled and gazed quietly and contentedly there mrs roland broke the seal of margaret's letter turning her eyes from the writing laid the blistered sheet in the hearth and set fire to it the child set up a loud crow of delight at the flame at that moment even this simple and familiar sound startled its mother out of all power of self control she snatched up the child with a vehemence which frightened it into a shrill cry she feared the nursemaid would come before all the sparks were out and she tried to quiet the baby by dancing it before the mirror over the mantelpiece she met her own face there white as ashes and the child saw nothing that could amuse it while its eyes were blinded with tears she opened the window to let it hearken to the church clock and the device was effectual baby composed its face to serious listening before the long succession of strokes was finished and allowed the tears to be wiped from its cheeks one thing more remained to be done mrs roland heard a step in the hall and looked out it was betses i thought it was you pray desire cook send up a cup of broth for miss roland's lunch and be sure and let miss roland know the moment it is ready mr enderby is in this shrubbery i think yes ma'am seeing he was there i was coming to ask about the letter ma'am to carry it to him oh that letter i sent it to him he has got it tell cook directly about the broth at lunchtime one of the children was desired to summon uncle philip mrs roland took care to meet him at the garden door she saw him cast a wistful eye towards the study mantelpiece as he passed the open door his sister observed that she had believed it was past post time for this half week he sighed deeply and she felt that no sigh of his had ever so gone to her heart before why mama do look cried george as well as a mouthful of bread would allow look at the chimney where have all the shavings gone there is a knot at the top that they were tied together with but not a bit of shaving left have they blown up the chimney what will poor baby say exclaimed matilda all the pretty pink and green gone there is some tinder blowing about observed george i do believe they've been burnt shut the window george will you there's no bearing strafed there is no bearing betsy's waist either she has burned those shavings somehow in cleaning the grate her carelessness is past endurance make her buy some new shavings mama for baby's sake do be quiet and get your lunch and your uncle the dish of currents philip languidly picked a few bunches he had noticed nothing that had passed as his sister was glad to observe besides being too much accustomed to hear complaints of the servants to give any heed to them he was now engrossed with his own wretched thoughts every five minutes that passed without bringing a reply from margaret went to confirm his most painful impressions margaret meantime was sitting alone in her chamber enduring the long morning as best she might now plying her needle as if life depended on her industry and now throwing up her employment in disgust she listened for the one sound she needed to hear till her soul was sick of every other i must live wholly within myself now she thought as far as he is concerned i can never speak of him or allow hester or maria to speak of him to me for they will blame him everyone will blame him maria did yesterday no one will do him justice i cannot ask mrs gray as i intended anything of what she may have seen and heard about all this i have had my joy to myself i have carried about my solitary glory and bliss in his being mine and now i must live alone upon my grief for him for no person in the world will pity and justify him but myself he has done me no wrong that he could help his staying away today is to save me pain as he thinks i wish i had not said in my letter that he had been harsh to me perhaps he would have been here by this time if i had not said that how afraid he was that day in the spring when he urged me so to marry at once oh if i had all this would have been saved and yet i thought and i still think i was right but how afraid he was of our parting lest evil should come between us i promised him it should not for my own part but who could have thought that the mistrust would be on his side he had a superstitious feeling he said that something would happen that we should be parted and i would not hear of it how presumptuous i was how did i dare to make so light of what has come so dreadfully true oh why are we made so that we cannot see into another's hearts if we are made to depend on one another so absolutely as we are so that we hold one another's peace to cherish or to crush why is it such a blind dependence why are we left so helpless why with so many powers as i've given us have we not that one other worthy of all the rest of mutual insight if god would bestow this power for this one day i would give up all else for ever after philip would trust me again and i should understand him and i could rest afterwards happen what might though there nothing would happen but what was good but now shut in each into ourselves with anger and sorrow all about us from some mistake which a moment's insight might remove it is the dreariest the most tormenting state what are all the locks and bars and fetters in the world to it so near each other too when one look one tone might perhaps lead to the clearing up of it all there is no occasion to bear this however so near as we are nothing should prevent our meeting nothing shall prevent it she started up and hastily put on her bonnet and gloves but when her hand was on the lock of her door her heart misgave her if i should fail she thought if he should neither look at me nor speak to me if he should leave me as he did yesterday i should never get over the shame i dare not store up such a wretched remembrance to make me miserable as often as i think of it for as long as i live if he will not come after reading my letter neither would he hear me if i went to him oh he is very unjust after all his feats of my being influenced against him he might have distrusted himself after making me promise to write on the first morning that anyone might try to put into my mind he might have remembered to do the same by me instead of coming down in this way not to explain but to overwhelm me with his displeasure without giving me a moment's time to justify myself edward seems strangely unkind to she sighed as she slowly untied her bonnet and put it away as if to avoid tempting herself with the sight of it again i never knew edward unjust or unkind before but i heard him ask philip why he stayed to hear me in the abbey yesterday and though he has been with philip this morning he does not seem to have made the slightest attempt to bring us together when such as edward and philip do so wrong one does not know where to trust or what to hope there is nothing to trust but god and the right i will live for these and no one shall henceforth hear me complain or see me droop or know anything of what lies deepest in my heart must be possible it has been done many nuns in their convents have carried it through and missionaries in heathen countries and all the wisest who have been before their age and some would say maria would say almost every person who has loved as i have but i do not believe this i do not believe that many can have felt as i do now it is not natural and right that any should live as i mean to do we are made for confidence not for solitude and concealment but it may be done when circumstances press as they do upon me and if god gives me strength i will do it i will live for him and his and my heart let it suffer as it may shall never complain to human ear it shall be silent as the grave the resolution held for some hours margaret was quiet and composed through dinner though her expectation instead of dying out grew more intense with every hour after dinner hope urged his wife to walk with him it had been a fine day and she'd not been out there was still another hour before dark would not margaret go to no margaret could not leave home when hester came down equipped for her walk she sat beside her sister on the sofa for a minute or two while waiting for edward margaret said she will you let me say one word to you anything hester if you will not be hard upon anyone whom you cannot fully understand i would not for the world be hard love but there was once a time above a year ago when you warned me kindly warned me though i did not receive it kindly against pride as as a support you said it could not support me and you said truly may i say the same to you now thank you it is kind of you i will consider but i do not think that i have any pride in me today i feel humbled enough it is not for you to feel humbled love reverence yourself as for you may nothing has happened to impair yourself respect admit freely to your own mind and to us that you have been cruelly injured and that you suffer as you must and ought admit this freely and then rely on yourself and us margaret shook her head she did not say it but she felt that she could not rely on edward while he seemed to stand between her and philip he came in at the moment and she averted her eyes from him he felt her displeasure in his heart's core when they returned sooner than she expected from their walk they had bad news for her which they had agreed it was most merciful not to delay they had seen enderby in mr roland's gig on the blickley road he had his carpet bag with him and mr roland's man was undoubtedly driving him to blickley to meet the night coach for london it is better to save you all further useless expectation observed edward we keep nothing from you you keep nothing from me said margaret now fixing her eyes upon him then what is your reason for not having brought us together if indeed you have not kept us apart do i suppose you i did not hear you send him from me yesterday and how do i know that you have not kept him away today my dear margaret exclaimed hester but to look from our husband and the recollection of margaret's misery silenced her for the first time hester forgave on the instant the act of blaming her husband whatever i have done whether it appears clear to you or not replied hope it is from the most tender respect for your feelings i shall always respect them most tenderly and not the less for their being hurt with me i have no doubt of your meaning that all is kind edward but surely when two people misunderstand each other it is best that they should meet if you have acted from a regard to what you consider my dignity i could wish that you had left the charge of it to myself you are right quite right then why oh edward if you repent what you have done it may not yet be too late i do not repent i have done done you no wrong today margaret i agree for you but i could not have helped you let us never speak on this subject again said margaret stung by the consciousness of having so soon broken the resolution of the morning that her suffering heart should be silent as the grave it is not from pride hester that i say so but let us never again speak of all this let us know about one thing margaret said edward that yours is the generous silence of forgiveness i do not mean with regard to him for i fear you will forgive him sooner than we can do i do not mean him particularly nor those who have poisoned his ear but all only tell us that your silence is the oblivion of mercy so mourning for the urring that for its own sake it remembers their transgressions no more margaret looked up at them both though her eyes swam in tears there was a smile upon her lips as she held out her hand to her brother and yielded herself to hester's kiss end of chapter 36 chapter 37 of dear brook this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libravox.org dear brook by harry at martinu chapter 37 the conqueror mrs. rollin did not find yourself much the happier for being born out by the whole world in her assertions that philip and margaret were not engaged she knew that with regard to this she now stood justified in the eyes of all dear brook that almost everyone there now believed that it had been an entanglement from which she had released her brother from selfish fear from dread of the consequences of going so far as to be again sent by her husband to chaldenham or by the levits to coventry from foresight of the results which would ensue from her provulking an inquiry into the domestic concerns of the hopes an inquiry which might end in the reconciliation of philip and margaret and in some unpleasant discoveries about herself she was very guarded respecting the grand accusation by which she had brought on her brother no hint of it got abroad and dear brook nothing was added to the ancient gossip about the hopes not being very happy together mrs. rollin knew that affairs stood in this satisfactory state she knew that margaret was exposed to as much observation and inquiry as a country village affords respecting her disappointed attachment that the grays were very angry and praised margaret to every person they met that mr. walcott and gluest mrs. rollins discernment to all mrs. rollins party that mrs. howell and mrs. miskin lifted up their eyes in thankfulness at mr. renderby's escape from such a connection that mr. hope was reported to be rather flat in spirits and that margaret was certainly looking thin she knew of all the success and yet she was not happier than six months ago the drawback on such successes is that they are never complete there is always some more decay sitting at the gate to mar the enjoyment mrs. rollin was aware of mrs. james having dropped that she and her husband had nothing to do with anybody's family quarrels that there was always a great deal to be said on both sides in such cases and that they had never seen anything but what was amiable and pleasant in miss ebbotson and her connections she knew that dr. levit called on the hopes full as often as at any house in deerbrook and that mrs. levit had offered to take some of margaret's plants to into her greenhouse to be nursed through the winter she was always hearing that miss young and margaret were much together and that they were happy in each other's society and she alternately fancied them talking about her exposing to each other the inquiry she had wrought to both and enjoying an oblivion of their cares in her despite she could never see maria taking an airing in the gray shrubbery leaning on margaret's arm or margaret turning in at the farrier's gate without feeling her color rise she knew that mr. jones was apt to accommodate miss ebbotson with a choice of meat in preference to his other customers and that mrs. jones had spoken indignantly to a neighbor about fine gentlemen from london that think little of breaking one young heart after another to please their own vanity and never come back to upon the eyes that they have made dim and the cheeks that grow pale for them all these things mrs. rollin knew and they ate into her heart in these days of her triumph she moved about in fear and no hour passed without troubling her victory she felt that she could not rest till the corner house family was got rid of they did not seem disposed to move of their own accord she incessantly expressed her scorn of the want of spirit of a professional man who would live on in a place where he had lost his practice and where a rival was daily rising upon his ruins but the hope stayed on still week after week they were to be met in the lanes and meadows now gleaning in the wake of the hot wane with fanny and mary for the benefit of widow rye now blackberry gathering in the fields now nutting in the hedge rose the quarterly term came around and no notice that he might look out for another tenant reached mr. rollin if they would not go of their own accord they must be dislodged for she felt though she did not fully admit the truth to herself that she could not much longer endure their presence she looked out for an opportunity of opening the subject advantagely with mr. rollin the wine and walnuts were on the table and the gentlemen and lady were amusing themselves with letting anna and med try to crack walnuts the three elder children being by this time at school at blickley when mrs. rollin began her attack my dear said she is the corner house in perfectly good repair at present i believe so it was thoroughly set to rights when mr. hope went into it and again after the riot and i have heard no complaint since ah after the riot that is what i wanted to know the surgery is well fitted up is it no doubt the magistrates took care that everything should be done handsomely mr. hope was fully satisfied he was then there seems no doubt that mr. walcott had better removed the corner house when the hopes go away it is made to be a surgeon's residence and i own i do not like to see those blinds of mr. walcott's with that staring word surgery upon them in the windows of my poor mother's breakfast room nor i but the hopes are not going to remove i believe they will be leaving dear brook before long i believe not my dear mr. roland i have reason for what i say so have i take care of that little thumb of yours my darling or you will be cracking it instead of the walnut what is your reason for thinking that the hopes will not leave dear brook mr. roland mr. hope told me so himself ah that is nothing you will be about the last person he will inform of his plans mr. walcott's nearest friends will be the last to know of course pray do not make me out one of mr. walcott's nearest friends my dear i have a very slight acquaintance with the young gentleman and do not attend to have more you say so now to annoy me my love but you may change your mind if you should see mr. walcott your son-in-law at some future day you will not go on to call him a slight acquaintance i suppose my son-in-law have you been asking him to marry matilda i wait mr. wallin till he asks it himself which i foresee he will do as soon as our dear girl is old enough to warrant his introducing the subject her accomplishments are not lost upon him he has the prophetic eye which sees what a wonderful creature she must become and if we are permitted to witness such an attachment as theirs will be and our dear girl settled beside us here we shall have nothing left to wish to speak of something more nearly at hand i beg my dear that you will hold out no expectation of the cornerhouse to mr. walcott as it is not likely to be vacated has the rent been regularly paid so far to be sure it has by mr. gray's help i have no doubt my dear i have no doubt my dear i know what i am saying the hopes are as poor as the rats in your granary and it is not to be supposed that mr. gray will long go on paying their rent for them just for the frolic of sustaining mr. hope against mr. walcott it is paying too dear for the fancy the hopes are wretchedly pinched for money they have dropped their subscription in the book club i am very sorry to hear it i would give half i am worth that it were otherwise give it them at once then and it will be otherwise i would gladly but they will not take it i advise you to try however it would make such a pretty romantic story while mr. gray is extremely mortified at their withdrawing from the book club he remonstrated very strongly indeed that does not agree very well with his paying their rent for them perfectly well he thinks that if he undertakes the large thing for the sake of their credit they might have managed a small this is his way of viewing the matter no doubt he sees how their credit will suffer by their giving up the book club he sees how everybody will remark upon it so do they i have no doubt and the matter will not be amended by sophia gray's nonsense what absurd things that girl does i wonder her mother allows it only that to be sure she is not much wiser herself sophia has told some of her acquaintance and all dear brook will hear it before long that her cousins have withdrawn from the book club on account of hester's situation that they are to be so busy with the baby that is coming that they will have no time to read as long as the hopes are above false pretenses they need not care for such as are made for them there show mama what a nice plump walnut you have cracked for her nicely done my pat but mr. roland the hopes cannot hold out they cannot possibly stay here you will not get their rent at christmas depend upon it i shall not press them for it i assure you then you will be unjust to your family you owe it to your children to say nothing of myself to look after your property i owe it to them not to show myself a harsh landlord to excellent tenants but we need not trouble ourselves about what will happen at christmas it may be that the rent will make its appearance on the morning of quarter day then if not you will give them notice that the house is left from the next quarter will you not by no means my dear if you do not like to undertake the office yourself perhaps you will let me do it i have a good deal of courage about doing disagreeable things on occasion you have my dear but i do not wish that this should be done i mean i desire that it be not done the hope shall live in that house of mine as long as they please and if continue mr. roland not liking the expression of his lady's eye if anyone disturbs them in their present abode the consequence will be that i shall be compelled to invite them here i shall establish them in this very house sooner than that they shall be obliged to leave dear brook against their will and then my dear you will have to be off to chelton ham again what nonsense you talk mr roland who should disturb them if you won't be open to reason so as to do it yourself i thought you knew enough of what it is to be ridden by poor tenants to wish to avoid the plague if warned in time but some people can never take warning let us see that you can my love you'll remember what i have said about the hopes being disturbed i have no doubt and now we have done with that i want to tell you presently when we have really done with this subject my dear i have other reasons which you will spare me the hearing my dear priscilla there are no reasons on earth which can justify me in turning this family out of their house or you in asking me to do it let us hear no more about it but you must hear i will be heard on a subject in which i have such an interest mr roland ring the bell my little fellow pull hard that's it candles in the office immediately and mr roland tossed off the last half of his glass of port kissed the little ones and was gone the lady remained to compassionate herself which she did very deeply that she could find no means of writing herself of the great plague of her life these people were always in her way and no one would help her to dislodge them her own husband was against her quite unmanageable and perverse end of chapter 37 chapter 38 of dear brook this is a liber vox recording all liber vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit liber vox.org dear brook by harriet martinu chapter 38 the victims if mrs roland was dissatisfied with her success while seeing that some resources of comfort remain to the hopes and margaret a few of the interior of the cornerhouse would probably have affected her deeply and set her moralizing on the incompleteness of all human triumphs there was peace there which even she could not invade could only if she had known it envy her power was now exhausted and her work was unfinished for many weeks she had made margaret as miserable as she had intended to make her margaret had suffered from an exasperating sense of injury but that was only for a few hours he was not in nature which could retain personal resentment for any length of time she needed the relief of compassionate and forgiving feelings and she cast herself into them for solace as the traveler emerging from the glaring desert throws himself down beside the gushing spring in the shade from the moment that she did this it became her chief trouble that philip was blamed by others her friends said as little as they could in reference to him out of regard for her feelings but she could not help seeing that maria's indignation was strong and that has to consider that her sister had had a happy escape from a man capable of treating her as philip had done if it had been possible to undertake his events margaret would have done so as there were no means of working upon others to forgive her wrongs she made it her consolation to forgive them doubly herself to cheer up under them to live for the aim of being more worthy of philip's love the less he believed her to be so her lot was far easier now than it had been in the winter she had been his and she believed that she still occupied his whole soul she was not now the solitary self despising being she had felt herself before though cut off from intercourse with him as if the grove lay between them she knew that sympathy with her heart and mind existed she experienced the struggles the moaning efforts of affections doomed to solitude and silence the shrinking from a whole long life of self-reliance of exclusion from domestic life the occasional horror of contemplating the waste and withering of some of the noblest parts of the immortal nature a waste and withering which are the almost certain consequence of violence done to its instincts and its laws from these pains and terrors she suffered and from some of smaller account from the petty insults or speculations of the more coarse minded of her neighbors and the being too suddenly reminded by passing circumstances of the change which had come over her expectations and prospects but her love her forgiveness her conviction of being beloved bore her through all these and saved her from that fever of the heart in the perioxins of which she had in her former and server trial long for death even for non-existence she could enjoy but little of what had been her favorite solace at that time she had but few opportunities now for long solitary walks she saw the autumn fading away melting in rain and cold fog without its having been made use of it had been as unfavorable a season as the summer derairy unproductive disappointing in every way but there had been days in the later autumn when the sun had shown his dip face when the dank hedges had looked fresh and the fallen leaves in the wood paths had wrestled under the thread of the squirrel and margaret would on such days have liked to spend the whole morning in rambles by herself but there were reasons why she should not almost before the chilliness of the coming season began to be felt hard was complained of throughout the country the prices of provisions were inordinately high and the evil consequences which in the rural districts follow upon the scarcity began to make themselves felt the porters were daring beyond belief and many between the large proprietors and the laborers around them the oldest men and women and children scarcely able to walk were found trespassing day by day in all plantations with begs aprons or pineafores full of fur cones and wood snapped off from the trees or plucked out of the hedges there was no end to repairing the fences there were unpleasant rumors two of its being no longer safe to walk singly in the more retired places no such thing as highway robbery had ever before been heard of at dearbrook within the memory of the oldest inhabitant the oldest of the inhabitants being a gym bird the man of a hundred years but there was reason now for the caution mr. jones meat cart had been stopped on the high road by two men who came out of the hedge and helped themselves to what the cart contained an ill-looking fellow had crossed the path of mrs. james and her young sister in the verden woods evidently with the intention of stopping the ladies but luckily the jingling of a timber wane was heard below and the man had retreated mr. gray had desired that the ladies of his family would not go further without his escort then a mile out and back again on the high road there were not to attempt the lanes the miss anderson's no longer came into dearbrook in their pony chase and mrs. howell reported to all her customers that lady hunter never walked in her own grounds without a footman behind her two dogs before her and the gamekeeper within hearing of a screen mr. walkout was advised to leave his watch and purse at home when he set forth to visit his country patients and it did not comfort him much to perceive that his neighbors were always vigilant to know the hour and minute of his setting forth and to learn the precise time when he might be looked for at home again it was observed that he was generally back half an hour sooner than he was expected and a very red face and his horse all in a foam in addition to these grounds of objection to solitary walks margaret had strong domestic reasons for denying herself the rambles she delighted in as the months rolled on poverty pressed closer and closer when the rent was secured and some of the comforts provided with hester much have in her confinement so little was left that it became necessary to limit the weekly expenses of the family to assume small enough to require the nicest management and the most strenuous domestic industry to make it suffice hope would not pledge his credit while he saw so little prospect of redeeming it his family were of one mind as to purchasing nothing which they were not certainly able to pay for this being his principal he made every effort to increase his funds a guinea or two dropped in now and then in return for contributions to medical periodicals money was due to him from some of his patients to these he sent in his bills again and even made personal application from several he obtained promises from two or three the amount of whose debt was very small he got his money disgraced by smiles of wonder and contempt from the greater number he received nothing but excuses on account of the pressure of the times the small sums he did recover were of a value which none of the three had ever imagined that money could be to them every little extra comfort thus obtained the dinner of meat once oftener in the week the fire in the evening the new gloves for hope when the old ones could no longer by any mending he made to look fit for him what a luxury it was and all the more for being secretly enjoyed no one out of the house had a suspicion how far their poverty had gone mr gray had really been vexed at them for withdrawing from the book club had attributed his instance of economy to the enthusiasm which was in his eyes the fall of the family and never dreamed of their not dining on meat vegetables and pudding with their glass of wine every day the gray's little knew what a blessing they were conferring on their cousins when they insisted on having them for a long day once more before hester's confinement and set them down to steaming soup and the plentiful joint and accompaniments without stint the guests laughed when they were at home again over the new sort of pleasure they had felt the delight at the sight of a good dinner to which nothing was wanting but that morris should have had her share morris for a part had been very happy at home she had put aside for her mr's lunches the next day the broth which she had been told was for her and had feasted on potatoes and water and the idea of the good dinner her young ladies were to enjoy while their affairs were in the state it was a great luxury in the family to have any unusual comfort which be token that hope had been successful in some of his errands had received a fee or recovered the amount of a bill one day morris brought in a goose and giblets which had been brought and paid for by mr hope the messenger said another morning came a sack of apples from the orchard of a country patient who was willing to pay in kind at another time edward emptied his pockets of knitted worsted stockings and mittens the handiwork of a farmer's dame who was flattered by his taking the produce of her evening industry instead of money which she could not well spare at the present season there was more mirth more real gladness in the house on the arrival of windfalls like these than if hope had daily exhibited a purse full of gold there was no sting in their poverty no adventitus misery belonging to it they suffered its genuine force and that was all what is poverty not destitution but poverty it has many shapes aspects almost as various as the minds and circumstances of those whom it visits it is famine to the savage in the wilds it is hardship to the laborer in the cottage it is disgrace to the proud and to the misery despair it is a specter which with dread of change perplexes him who lives at ease such are its aspects but what is it it is a deficiency of the comforts of life a deficiency present and to come it involves many other things but this is what it is it is then worth all the apprehension and grief it occasions it is an adequate cause for the gloom of the merchants the discontent of the artisan the foreboding size of the mother the ghastly dreams which haunt the avaricious the conscious debasement of the subservant the humiliation of the proud these are severe sufferings are they authorized by the nature of poverty certainly not if poverty induced no eventuous of evils involve nothing but a deficiency of the comforts of life leaving life itself unimpaired the life is more than food and the body then ramen and the untimely extinction of the life itself would not be worth the pangs which apprehended poverty excites but poverty involves woes which in their sum are far greater than itself to a multitude it is the loss of a pursuit which they have yet to learn will be certainly supplied for such elevation or compensation is in store in the rising up of objects new and the creation of fresh hopes the impoverished merchant who may no longer look out for his agressies may yet be in glee when he finds it a rare dropping mourning for the early cohort to another multitude poverty involves loss of rank a letting down among strangers whose manners are ungenual and their thoughts unfamiliar for these there may be solace in retirement or the evil may fall short of its threats the reduced gentlewoman may live in patient solitude or may grow into sympathy with her neighbors by raising some of them up to herself and by warming her heart at the great central fire of humanity which burns on under the crust of manners as rough as the storms of the tropics or as frigid as polar snows the avaricious are out of the pale of peace already and at all events poverty is the most seriously in evil to sons and daughters who see their parents stripped of comfort at an age when comfort is almost one with life itself and to parents who watch the narrowing of the capacities of their children by the pressure of poverty the impairing of their promise the blotting out of their prospects to such mourning children there is little comfort but in contemplating the easier life which lies behind and it may be hoped the happier one which stretches before their parents on the other side the posture of life if there is sunshine on the two grand reaches of their path the shadowish lies in the mist is necessarily but a temporary gloom to grieving parents it should be a consoling truth that the life is more than food so is the soul more than instruction and opportunity and such accomplishments as man can administer that as the fowls are fed and lilies clothed by him whose hand made the air musical with the one and dressed the fields with the other so as the human spirit nursed and adorned by airs from heaven which blow over the whole earth and light from the skies which no hand is permitted to intercept parents know but not that providence may be substituting the noblest education for the misteaching of intermediate guardians it may possibly be so but if not there is appointed to every human being much training many privileges which capricious fortune can never give nor take away the father may sigh to see his boy condemned to the toil of the loom or the gossip and drudgery of the shop when he would feign have be held him the ornament of a university but he knows not whether a more simple integrity a loftier disinterestedness may not come out of the humbler discipline than the higher privilege the mother's eyes may swim as she hears her little daughter sing her baby brother to sleep on the cottage threshold her eyes may swim at the thought how those wild and moving tones might have been exalted by art such art would have been in itself a good but would this child then have been as now about her father's business which administering to one of his little ones she is as surely as the archangel who suspends new systems of worlds in the furthest void her occupation is now earnest and holy and what need the true mother wish for more what is poverty to those who are not thus set in families what is it to the solitary or to the husband and wife who have faith in each other's strength if they have the higher faith which usually originates mutual trust more poverty is scarcely worth a passing fear if they have plucked out the stings of pride and selfishness and purified their vision by faith what is there to dread what is their case they have life without certainty how it is to be nourished they do without certainty like the young ravens which cry and work for and enjoy the subsistence of the day leaving the moral to take care of what concerns it if living in the drooliest abodes of a town the light from within shines in the dark place and the spelling the mists of worldly care guides to the blessing of tending the sick and sharing the food of today with the orphan and him who has no help but in them if the philosopher goes into such retreats with his lantern there may he best find the generous and the brave if instead of the alleys of the city they live under the open sky they are yet lighter under them they have today the living reality of lawns and woods and flocks in the green pasture beside the still waters which silently remind them of the shepherd under whom they shall not want any real good thing the quiet of the shady lane is theirs and the beauty of the blossoming thorn above the pool delight steals through them with the scent of the violet or the new moan hay if they have hushed the voices of complaint and fear within them there is music of the merry lark for them or the leaping waterfall or of a whole orchestra of harps when the breeze sweeps through a grove of pines while it is not for fortune to rob them free of nature's grace and while she leaves them life and strength of limb and soul the certainty of a future through they cannot see what and the assurance of progression though they cannot see how is poverty worth for themselves more than a passing doubt can it ever be worth the torment of fear the bondage of subservience the compromise of free thought the sacrifice of free speech the bending of the erect head the veiling of an open brow the repression of the silent soul if instead of this poverty should act as the liberator of the spirit awakening it to trust in god and sympathy for man and placing it a lot fresh and free like mourning on the hilltop to survey the expanse of life and recognize its realities from beneath its mists it should be greeted with that holy joy before which all sorrow and sighing flee away their poverty which had never afflicted them very grievously was almost lost sight of by the corner house family when hester's infant was born they were all happy and satisfied them though there were people in dear brook who found fault with their arrangements and were extremely scandalized when it was found that no nurse had arrived from blickley and that morris took the charge of her mistress upon herself the graze pronounced by their own fireside that it was a strange fancy carrying an affection for an old servant to a rather a romantic extreme that it was a fresh instance of the enthusiasm which adversity had not yet moderated in their cousins as might have been wished out of doors however sophia vaunted the attachment of morris to her young mistress an attachment so strong as that she would have been really hurt if anyone else had been allowed to sit up with hester and indeed no one could have filled her place half so much to the satisfaction of the family morris had had so much experience and was as fond of her change as a mother could be no one knew what a treasure her cousins had in morris all of which was true in its separate particulars though altogether it did not constitute the reason why hester had no nurse from buckley they were happy and satisfied yes even margaret this infant opened up a spring of consolation in her heart which she could not have believed existed there on this child she could pour out some of her repressed affections and on him did she rest her baffled hopes he beguiled her into the future from which she had hither though recoiled that helpless unconscious little creature cradled on her arm and knowing nothing of its resting place was more powerful than sister brother or friend than self-interest philosophy or religion in learning her imagination onward into future years of honor and peace holy and sweet was the calm of her mind as forgetting herself and her griefs she watched the first efforts of this infant to acquaint herself with his own powers and with the world about him when she smiled at the ungainly stretching of the little limbs and the unpracticed movement of his eyes seeking the light holy and sweet were the tears which swelled into her eyes when she saw him at his mother's breast and could not but gaze at the fresh and divine beauty now mantling on that mother's face amidst the joy of this new relation it was a delicious moment when hope came in the first day that hester sat by the fireside when he stopped short for a brief instant as if arrested by the beauty of what he saw and then glanced toward margaret for sympathy it was a delicious moment to her the moment of that full free unembarrassed glance which she had scarcely met since the first days of their acquaintance it was a pleasure to them all to see hester well provided with luxuries maria knowing that her surgeon would not accept money from her took this opportunity of sending in wine over the pleasure of finding the neglected corkscrew and making morris take a glass of them the graze brought game and hester's little table was well served every day with what zeal did margaret apply herself under morris's teaching to cook hester's choice little dinners yes to cook them margaret was learning all morris's arts from her four of two troubles which somewhat disturbed the season of comfort one was then it appeared too certain that morris must go as susan and charles had gone before her no one had expressly declared this it was left undiscussed apparently by common consent till it should be ascertained that baby was healthy and hester getting strong but the thought was in the minds of them all and their plans involved preparation for this the other trouble was that the peace and comfort some slight some slight very slight symptoms recurred of hester's propensity to self-torment it could not be otherwise the wonder was that for weeks and months she had been relieved from her old enemy to the extent she had been the reverence with which her husband and sister regarded the temper in which she had borne unbounded provocation and most unmerited adversity sometimes we goiled them into a hope that her troubles from within were over forever but a little reflection and some slight experience taught them that this was unreasonable they remembered that the infirmity of a lifetime was not to be wholly cured in a half a year and that they must expect some recurrence of her old malady at times when there was no immediate appeal to her magnanimity and no present cause for anxiety for those in whom she forgot herself the first time that hester was in the drawing room for the whole day morris was laying the cloth for dinner and margaret was walking up and down the room with the baby on her arm when hope came in hester forgot everybody and everything else when her husband appeared a fact which morris's benevolence was never wary of noting and commenting upon to herself she often wondered if ever lady loved her husband as her young mistress did and she smiled to herself to see the welcome that beamed upon hester's whole face when hope came to take a seat beside her on the sofa this was in her mind today when her master presently said where is my boy i have not seen him for hours why do you put him out of his father's way oh margaret has him come margaret yield him up you can have him all the hours that i am away you do not grudge him to me do you my master won't have to complain as many gentlemen do said morris or as many gentlemen feel if they don't complain that he is neglected for the sake of his baby if you enjoy your dinner today love said hester you must not give me the credit of it you and i are to sit down to our pheasant together they tell me margaret and morris will have it that they have both dined there is little in getting a comfortable dinner ready said morris whether it is the lady herself or another that looks to a trifle like that it is the seeing his wife so full of care and thought about her baby as to have none to spare for him that frets many and one who does not like to say anything about it fathers can be so taken with a very young baby as the mothers are and it is mortifying to feel themselves neglected for a newcomer i have often seen that my dearest but i shall never see it here i find i do not know how you should morris said hester in something of the old tone which made her sister's heart throb almost before it reached her ear margaret will save me from any such danger margaret takes care that nobody shall be engrossed with the baby but herself she is not a thought to spare for any of us while she has baby in her arms the little fellow has cut us all out margaret quickly transferred the infant to her brother's arm and left the room she thought it best for her heart was very full and she could not speak she restrained her tears and went into the kitchen to busy herself about the dinner she had cooked tis a fine pheasant indeed miss margaret my dear and beautifully roasted i am sure and i hope you will go up and see them enjoy it i am so sorry my dear for what i said just now i merely spoke what came up in my mind when i felt pleased and never thought of it springing on any remark nor was anything intended i am sure that should make you look so sad so do you go up and take the baby again when they sit down to dinner as if nothing had been said do my dear if i may venture to say so i will follow you with the dinner in a minute i wonder how it is my love said hope in a voice which spoke all the tenderness of his heart i wonder how it is that you can ensure wrong so nobly and that you cannot bear the natural course of events tell me how it is hester that you have sustained magnanimously all the injuries and misfortunes of many months and that you now quarrel with margaret's affection for our child ah why indeed edward she replied humbly why about that i am unworthy that such and one as margaret should love me and my child enough enough i only want to show you how i regard the case about this new love of margaret's do you not see how much happier she has been since this little fellow was born oh yes one may know fancy that she may be gay again let us remember what an oppressed heart she had and what it must be to her to have a new object so innocent and unconscious as this child to lavish her affection upon do not let us grudge her the consolation or poison the pleasure of this fresh interest i'm afraid it is done cried hester in great distress i was wicked i was more cruel than any of our enemies when i said what i did i may well bear with them for god knows i am at times no better than they i have dropped my margaret of her only comfort spoiled her only pleasure no no here she comes look at her margaret's face was indeed serene and she made as light of the matter as she could when hester implored that she would pardon her hasty and cruel words and that she would show her forgiveness by continuing to cherish the child he must not begin to suffer already for his mother's faults hester said there could be no doubt of margaret's forgiveness nor of her forgetfulness of what had been said as far as forgetfulness is possible but the worst of such sayings is that they carry in them that which prevents their being ever quite forgotten hester had effectively established a constraint in her sister's intercourse with the baby and imposed upon margaret the incessant care of scrupulously adjusting the claims of the mother and the child the evils arising from faulty temper may be born may be concealed but can never be fully repaired happy they whose part it is to endure and to conceal rather than to inflict and to strive uselessly to repair margaret's part was the easiest of the three as they sat at the table she was with the baby in her arms and all agreeing that the time was to come for an explanation with morris for depending on themselves for almost all the work of the house come morris said hester when the cloth was removed you must spare us half an hour we want to consult with you come and sit down morris came with a foreboding heart it will be no news to you said hope that we are very poor you know nearly as much of our affairs as we do ourselves as it is right that you should we have not wished to make any further changing our domestic plans till this little fellow was born but now that he is beginning to make his way in the world and that his mother is well and strong we feel that we must consider of some further effort to spend still less than we do now there are two ways in which this may be done we think morris said hester we may either keep the comfort of having you with us and pinch ourselves morris to dress and the table oh man i hope you will not carry that any further well if we do not carry that any further the only thing done i fear is to part with you is there no other way i wonder said morris as of thinking allowed if it must be one of these ways it certainly seems to me to be better for ladies to work hard with good food than to have a servant and stint themselves in health and strength but who would have thought of my young ladies coming to this it is a situation which hundreds and thousands are placed morris and why not we as well as they maybe so ma'am but it grieves one too do not grieve i believe we all think that this parting with you is the first real grief that our change of fortune has caused us somehow or another we have been exceedingly comfortable in our poverty if that had been all we should have had a very happy year of it one would desire to say nothing against what is god's will ma'am but one may be allowed perhaps to hope that better times will come i do hope it and believe it said our master and if better times come morris you will return to us will you not my dear you know nothing would make me leave you now as you say i am a comfort to you if i had any right to say i would say i would live upon as little as anybody and could do almost without any wages but there is my poor sister you know ladies she depends upon me for everything now that she cannot work herself and i must earn money for her we are quite aware of that said margaret it is for your sake and hers quite as much as for our own that we think we must part we wish to know what you would like to do said hester shall we try to find a situation for you near us or would you be happier to go down among your old friends i would better go where i am sure of employment ma'am better go down to birmingham at once i should never have left it but for my young lady's sakes but i should be right glad my dears to leave it again for you if you can at any time right to say you wish for me back there is another way i've thought of sometimes but of course you cannot have overlooked anything that could occur to me if you would all go to birmingham you have so many friends there and my master would be valued as he ought to which there is no sign of his being in this place i do not like this place my dears it is not good enough for you we think any place good enough for us where there are men and women living said hope kindly but gravely others have thought as you do morris and have offered us temptations to go away but we do not think it right if we go we shall leave behind us a bad character which we do not deserve if we stay i have very little doubt of recovering my professional character and winning over our neighbors to think better of us and be kind to us again we mean to try for it if i should have to hire myself out as a porter in mr gray's yards pray don't say that sir but indeed i believe you are so far right as that the good always conquers at last just so morris that is what we trust and for the sake of this little fellow if for nothing else we must stand by our good name who knows but that i may leave him a fine flourishing practice in this very place when i retire or die i was supposing he means to follow his father's profession sir that is looking forward very far so it is morris but however people may disapprove of looking forward too far it is difficult to help it when they become parents your mistress could tell you if she would own the truth that she sees her son's manly beauty already under that little rye mouth and that odd button of a nose why may i not just as well fancy him a young surgeon morris would say as she once said to me observe margaret remember death my dear remember death we will remember it said morris but you must remember at the same time god's mercy in giving life he who gave life can preserve it and this shall be my trust for you all my dears when i am far away from you there is a knock i must go oh miss margaret who will there be to go to the door when i am gone but you mr jones had knocked at the door and left a letter these were its contents sir i hope you will excuse the liberty i take in applying to you for my own satisfaction my wife and i have perceived with much concern that we have lost much of your custom of late we mind little the mere falling off of custom in any quarter in comparison with failing just give satisfaction we have always tried i am sure to give satisfaction in our dealings with your family sir and if there has been any offense i can assure you it is unintentional and shall feel obligated by knowing what it is we cannot conceive sir where you get your meat if not from us and if you have the trouble of buying it from a distance i can only say we should be happy to save you the trouble if we knew how to serve you to your liking for sir we have a great respect for you and yours your obedient servants john jones mary jones the kind soul cried hester what must we say to them we must set their minds at ease about our good will to them how that little fellow stares about him like a child of double his age i do believe i could make him look why is that my watch already yes we must set the jones's at ease at all events but how we must not tell them that we cannot afford to buy of them as we did no that would be begging we must trust to their delicacy not to press too closely for a reason when once assured that we respect them as highly as they possibly can us you may trust them said margaret i am convinced they will look in your face and be satisfied without further question and my advice therefore is that you do not write but go i will and now they shall not suffer a moment's pain that i can save them goodnight my boy what you have not learned to the kiss yet well among us all you will soon know how if teaching will do it what a spirit he has i fancy he will turn out like frank end of chapter 38 chapter 39 part one of dear brook this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libravox.org dear brook by harry martinu chapter 39 part one the long nights almost as soon as hope had left the house sydney gray arrived looking full of importance he took care to shut the door before he would tell his errand his mother had been obliged to trust him for one of another messenger and he delivered his message with a little of the parade of mystery he had derived from her mr gray's family had become uneasy about his returning from the markets in the evening since robberies had become so frequent as they now were and the days so short and had at length persuaded him to sleep at the more distant market towns he had to visit and return the next morning from blickley he could get home before the evening closed in but on two days in the week he was to remain out all night when he had agreed to this his family had applauded him and felt satisfied but as the evening drew on on occasion of his first absence mrs gray and sophia had grown nervous on their own account they recalled story after story which they had lately heard of robberies at several solitary houses in the country round and though their house was not solitary they could not reconcile themselves to going to rest without the comfort of knowing that there was as usual a strong man on their premises if they had been aware how many strong men there were sometimes on their premises at night they would not have been satisfied with having one within their walls not having been informed however how cleverly their dogs were silenced how much poached game was divided under the shelter of their stacks of deals and what dexterous abstractions were at such times made from the store of corn in their granaries and coal in their lighters they proposed nothing further than to beg the favor of mr hope that he would take a bed in their house for this one night they dare not engage any of the men from the yards to defend them they had not mr gray's leave and he might not be pleased if they showed any fear to their own servants but it would be the greatest comfort if mr hope would come as if to supper and stay the night the spare room was ready and mrs gray hoped he would not object to leaving his family just for once mr gray intended to do the same thing twice a week till the day should lengthen and the roads become safer though sydney made the most of his message he declared himself not thoroughly pleased with it they might have trusted me to take care of them said he if they had just let me have my father's pistols come come sydney do not talk of pistols said hester who did not relish any part of the affair he would not talk of them if he thought they were likely to be wanted observe margaret likely when were they ever more likely to be wanted i should like to know did you hear what happened at the russell taylor's last night no and we do not wish to hear do not tell us any horrible stories unless you mean my husband to stay at home tonight oh you must just hear this because it ended well that is nobody was killed mr walcott told sophia all about it this morning and it was partly that which made her so anxious to have someone sleep in their house tonight well then do not tell us or you will make us anxious for the same thing what would your mother say if you were to carry home word that mr hope could not come that his family dare not part with him oh then she must let me have my father's pistols and watch for the fellows if they came about our windows as they did about the russell taylor's how i would let fly among them they came rapping at the shutters at two this morning and when mr taylor looked out from his bedroom above they said they would not trouble themselves to get in if he would throw out his money and did he yes they raised a hat upon a pole and he put in four or five pounds all he had in the house he told them so they went away but none of the family thought of going to bed again i dare say not and what sort of thieves are these supposed to be they said about their businesses very oddly not like london thieves said sydney consequentially as if he knew all about london thieves they're the distressed country people no doubt such as would no more think of standing a second shot from my pistol than of keeping the straits of thermoply look here he continued showing the end of a pistol which peeped from a pocket inside his coat here's a thing that will put such gentry into a fine taking prey is that pistol loaded inquired hester pressing her infant to her to be sure what is the use of a pistol if it is not loaded it might as well be in the shop as in my pocket then look at her cousin margaret if she is not in as great a fright as the cowardly thieves why cousin hester don't you see if this pistol went off it would not shoot you or the baby it would go straight through me that is a great comfort but i had rather you would go away you and your pistol pray does your mother know that you carry one no mind you don't tell her i trust you not to tell her remember i would not have told you if i had not felt sure of you you had better not have felt sure of us however we will not tell your mother but my husband will tell mr gray tomorrow when he comes home if he chooses that you should carry loaded pistols about there will be no harm done i have a great mind to say i will shoot you if you tell cried sydney presenting the pistol with a grand air but he saw that he made his cousins really uneasy and he laid it down on the table offering to leave it with them for the night if they thought it would make him feel any safer there were plenty more at home thank you sin margaret but i believe we are more afraid of loaded pistols than of thieves the sooner you will take it away the better you can go now presently for here comes my brother sydney quickly pocketed his pistol hope agreed to go and promised to be at mr gray's supper by nine o'clock margaret was incessantly thinking of maria and these long evenings when alarms of one kind or another were all abroad she now thought she would go with sydney and spend an hour or two with maria returning by the home her brother would be going to the graze maria's landlord would see her home no doubt she found her friend busy with book and needle and as well in health as usual but obviously somewhat moved by the dismal stories which had traveled from mouth to mouth through dear brook during the day it seemed hardly right that any person delicate health should be lonely at such a time and it occurred to margaret that her friend might like to go home with her and occupy the bed which was this night to spare maria thankfully accepted the offer and let margaret put up her little bundle for her the farrier escorted them to the steps of the corner house and then left them the door was half open as morris was talking with someone on the mat in the hall an extremely tall woman with a crying baby in her arms made way for the ladies not by going out of the house but by stepping further into the hall morris had you not better shut the door said margaret the wind blows in so it is enough to chill the whole house but morris held the door open rather wider than before so the gentleman is not at home said the tall woman gruffly if i come again in an hour with my poor baby will he be at home then is my brother gone morris yes miss three minutes ago then he will not be back in an hour we do not expect him this good woman had better go to mr walcott ma'am as i have been telling her there is no doubt he is at home i could wait here till the gentleman comes home said the tall woman and so get the first advice for my poor baby tis very ill ma'am better go to mr walcott persisted morris word to my brother and mr gray said margaret unwilling to lose the chance of a new patient for edward and thinking his advice better for the child's sake than mr walcott's it is far the readiest way to go to mr walcott's declared maria whose arm margaret felt to tremble within her own i believe you are right said margaret you had better not waste any more time here is good woman it may make all the difference to your child if you would let me wait till the gentleman comes home said the tall woman impossible it is too late tonight for patients to wait this lady's landlord without there will show you the way to mr walcott's call him morris morris went out upon the steps but the tall woman passed her and was gone morris stepped in briskly and put up the chain you were very ready to send a new patient to mr walcott morris said margaret smiling i had a fancy that it was a sort of patient that my master would not be the better for replied morris i did not like the looks of the person nor i said maria the drawing room door was heard to open and morris put her finger on her lips hester had been alone nearly 10 minutes she was growing nervous and wanted to know what all this talking in the hall was about she was told that mr hope had been inquired for about a sick baby and the rest of the disclosures went to the account of maria's unexpected arrival hester welcomed maria kindly ordered up the cold pheasant and the wine and then leaving the friends to enjoy themselves over the fire retired to rest morris was desired to go to as she still slips in her mistresses room not to keep early hours since in addition to her laborers of the day she was at the baby's call on the night margaret would see her friend to her room morris must not remain upon their account how comfortable this is cried maria in a gleeful tone as she looked around upon the crackling fire the tray the wine and her companion how one looked for to pass a whole evening a night without being afraid of anything what an omission from you that you are afraid of something every night that is just the plain truth when i used to read about the horrors of living in a solitary house in the country i little thought how much of the same terror i should feel from living solitary in a house in the village you wonder what could happen to me i dare say and perhaps it would not be very easy to suppose any peril which would stand examination i was going to say that you and we are particularly safe from being so poor that there is no inducement to rob us we and you have neither money nor jewels nor plate that contempt thieves for our jew forks and spoons are hardly worth breaking into a house for people who want bread however may think it worth a while to break in for that and while our thieves are this sort of people and not the London gentry whom sydney is so fond of talking of it may be enough that gentlemen and ladies live in houses to make the starving suppose that they shall find something valuable there they would soon learn better if they came here i doubt whether when you and i have done our supper they would find anything to eat but how do you show your terrors i should like to know do you scream i never screamed in my life as far as i remember screaming appears to me the most unnatural if human sounds i never felt the slightest inclination to express myself in that matter nor i but i never said so because i thought no one would believe me no the true mood for these doleful winter nights is to sit trying to read but never able to fix your attention for five minutes for some odd noise or another and yet it is almost worse to hear nothing but a cinder falling on the earth now and then startling you like a pistol shot then it seems as if somebody was opening the shutter outside and then tapping at the window i have got so into the habit of looking at the window at night expecting to see a face squeezed flat against the pain that i have yielded up my credit to myself and actually have the blinds drawn down when the outside shutters are closed how glad i am to find you are no braver than the rest of us no do not be glad it is very painful night after night every step clinks or cranches in the feral's yard you know this ought to be a comfort but sometimes i cannot clearly tell where the sound comes from more than once lately i have fancied it was behind me and have turned around in a greater hurry than you would think i could use my rooms are a good way from the rest of the house you remember the length of the passage between i do not like disturbing the family in the evenings but i have been selfish enough to ring once or twice this week without any sufficient reason just for the sake of a sight of my landlady a very sufficient reason but i had no idea of all this from you you have heard me say some fine things about the value of time to me about the blessings of my long evenings for all that true as it is i've got into the way of going to bed soon after 10 just because i know everyone else in the house is in bed and i do not like to be the only person up that is the reason why you are looking so well not withstanding all these terrors but maria what has become of your bravery it is just where it was i am no more afraid than i used to be of evils which may be met with a mature mind and just as much afraid as ever of those which terrified my childhood our baby shall never be afraid of anything a certain market but maria something must be done for your relief that is just what i hoped and expected you would say and the reason why expose myself to you why do not the graze offer you a room there for the winter that seems the simplest and more obvious plan it is not convenient how should that be the bed would have to be uncovered you know and the mahogany wash stand might be splashed they can get a room ready for a guest to relieve their own fears but not yours can nothing be done about it not unless the relan should take in mr walcott because he is afraid to live alone in such case the graze would take me in for the same reason but that will not be so margaret i will ask you plainly and you will answer as plainly could you without too much pain trouble and inconvenience spend an evening or two a week with me just till this panic has passed if you could put it in my power to be always looking forward to an evening of relief it would break the sense of solitude and make all the difference to me i see the selfishness of this but i really think it is better to own my weakness than to struggle uselessly against it any longer i could do that should like of all things to do it until morris goes but that will be so soon morris where is she going margaret related this piece of domestic news too private to be told to anyone else tell the last moment maria forgot her own troubles or despised them as she listened so grieved was she for her friends including morris margaret was not very sorry on morris's own account morris wanted rest an easier place she had had too much upon her for some time passed what then will you have when she is gone if i have work enough to drive all thought out of my head i shall be thankful meantime i will bestow my best weight upon your case i am ashamed of my case already while sitting in all this comfort here i can hardly believe in my own tremors if no earlier date than last night come let us draw to the fire i hope we shall not end with sitting up all night but i feel as if i should like it very much margaret stirred up a blaze and put out the candles no economy was now beneath her care as she took her seat beside her friend she said maria did you ever know any place so dull and dismal as dear brook is now it is not enough to make any heart as heavy as the fortunes of the place even the little that i see of it in going to and from the graves looks sad enough you see the outskirts which i suppose are worse still the very air feels so heavy to breathe the cottages and even the better houses appear to my eyes damp and weather stained on the outside and silent within the children sit shivering on the thresholds do not they instead of shouting at their play as they did everyone looks discontented and complains the poor of want of bread and everyone else of hard times and all manner of woes that no one ever hears of in prosperous seasons mr. james says the actions for trespass are beyond all example mr. tucker declares his dog that died the other day was poisoned and i never pass the green but the women are even quarreling for precedence at the pump i have witnessed some of this but not all and neither i suspect have you margaret though you think you have we see the affairs of the world in shadow you know when our own hearts are sad my heart is not so sad as you think you do not believe me but that is because you do not believe what i am sure of that he is not to blame for anything that has happened that at least he has only been mistaken that there has been no fickleness no selfishness in him i cannot speak of this even to you maria if it were not a duty to him you must not be left to suppose for my silence that he is to blame as you think he is i suffer from no sense of injury from him i got over that long ago maria would not say as she thought you had to get over it then it makes me very unhappy to think how he is suffering how much more he has to bear than i so much more than the separation and the blink he cannot trust me as i trusted him and that is indeed to be without consolation do men ever trust as women do yes edward does if he were to go to india for 20 years he would know as certainly as i should the hester would be widowed in every thought till his return and the time will come when philip will know this as certainly of me it is but a little while yet that i have waited maria but it does sometimes seem a very waiting maria took her friend's hand in token of this empathy she could not speak so much of hopelessness was there mingled with it i know you and others think that this waiting is to go on forever no love not so or that a certainty which is even worse will come someday but it will be otherwise his love can no more be quenched or alienated by the slanders of a wicked woman then the sum can be put out by an eclipse or sent to enlighten another world leaving us mourning you judge by your own soul marquette and that should be a faithful guide you judge him by your own soul and how much by this she added with a smile fixing her eyes on the turquoise ring which was philip's gift and which safely guarded was on a finger of the hand she held end of chapter 39 part 1