 The maggots under your foreskin, you're only gonna be able to get rid of them with a regular showering dude. It's not something that's just gonna go away on its own. Yuck. Yeah. Are we... You got a hair on your nose. Are we alive? Are we live? Yeah. Well, I don't believe you. Yeah the maggots only eat like the dead skin under your foreskin. It's not dead. So it's like if you wash all that away they'll have nothing to eat and they'll leave. Do you know what I mean? Are we going, Matt? Welcome to episode number 35 of the Marty and Michael fully actual podcast. After this one there's only five episodes left. We're trying to think of something fucking crazy and fucking awesome to do for the finale. Maybe some cool like fan interaction shit. So drop a comment in the fucking comment section if you have any fucking ideas you fucking cunt. Should we storm the field of state of origin, Matt? There is a question about that so we can answer that. Yeah, we'll fucking... We were thinking about it but we thought probably better not to this year because if we go to court on December the 7th and then they say, oh look, you have to come back here again in another three weeks for another field in relation. Yeah, I don't think they'll be like, oh you clearly aren't learning a lesson. Recorder conviction. Stay inside. You can't leave your house. I think if you've got a recorded conviction you can never go to America. Well you can, but you have to file, you have to get fucking special permission and all these crazy shit. You have to declare. It's just fucking paperwork after paperwork stack. I had a friend who went to jail for fraud, drink driving and smashing up a couple of vehicles. Naughty. And he had the same thing. He didn't declare properly of like why he went to jail and stuff like when he got there he said, yeah, I've been to jail and they put handcuffs on him and arrested him at the airport and he didn't do anything wrong. But yeah, he just didn't declare exactly what he did. Did he get arrested? And he got sent back. Did he get to go to New Zealand? That's crazy shit. Yeah, and America's even stricter. They're a bit more detailed in their questionnaires. Yeah, you got to do some extra stuff, I remember. Hey, what the fuck has happened this last week? Oh, well, we got a fucking, we did something fucking real he would have seen it videos out now. How cool is that the coin car that we did to Michael's? We got $2,000 worth of 5 cent pizzas from a bank and fucking spent three full days with a team of six people liquid nail gluing them all onto Michael's car. And it's fucking pretty. If you want to know how to increase the value of your car, it worked, all right? It fucking worked. Well, it's not, it's sort of like, well, you put about two grand into it. Because we spent more money than we fucking got offered. But I'm still hopeful that there's some sort of art connoisseur out there who will offer us what we want for 20,000. Unless we get 20,000 and we're not selling it and we're going to use it as like, it's the Marty and Michael mobile now. Yeah. We want to figure out how to get a little like, you know, the dominoes or like a little sign on it or something. And then it says coins all over it. Is there anything stopping you guys from driving it? No, we are driving it. Not started yesterday. The only reason we weren't driving is because we didn't want people to film it and put on the internet. Right, right. Because we want to be the first to do it. And fucking hell, it's fucking the videos gone incredibly. Doubt it with the fucking reach restrictions. Our Facebook reach is all completely gone. The videos on like, what, five million views now? Not in this reality. Unbelievable. The CPMs are through the roof. It's like, wow, we've really earned our money back from all that time we put in. So it's great news. Fuck. I wonder how it's going. I wonder how upset we will be in one week's time. You know how frustrating it is. We're doing like, obviously that AFL video, which that was fucking that took a lot of guts as well as we're going to cop a huge fine. Now it got like less than a million views. Yeah. We were sort of banking on the video to do very well on social media, but of course we have a reach restriction. So Facebook didn't show it to anyone. So it's sort of the big videos we're making now where we're losing a like, we're losing a fair bit of money. It's pretty funny. Isn't that right, Matthew? Which reminds me, hey, this podcast is sponsored by the University of Markle, a little website where there's 120 unseen videos on there already. There's 121 now. There's two new ones every week. We go live. We go live in the group, do a live Q&A once a month. It's just crazy, the interactions we have with everyone. Some of these people we talk to all the time now. That brown's in the group as well. That brown's in the group. You can say, G'day, Matty. Yeah, we have got some good pals. It's only $7 a month, which is like, well, let's just fucking work this out. Let me get the bloody calculator. All right. $7 a month, 30 divided by seven. That's $4 and 20 cents a day. No, wait, what? What? That can't be right. Our maths is off. Oh no, hang on. So it's seven divided by 30. It's 23 cents a day. Fuck me, Matt. That's like the coin. That's the car. Sort of. It's fucking, you round it up, 25 cents a day. It's like, come on. Just peel a few coins off your car. And there's some fucking good shit on there, man. You might as well just collect bottles. Oh, that's right. If you have any bottles you want, Matt collects them. So just send in your empty bottles. He gets so sad when he like goes through bins and he sees there's like empty bottles in there that have just been thrown out. He breaks down. He breaks down. If he sees a bottle on a walk when we're going walking Bosley, he loses his shit. Wait. No, that was so bad, man. Yeah, that was, dude, Michael tried to fire you guys too. We couldn't even hear it then. Michael, we're doing a podcast. We're trying to be funny. That was sick. Try and be more mature. Yeah. Sounds like licorice. Wow. All right. Let's move right along to the on this days. Hey, Matty, what do you think? You happy with what you've done here? It's been a busy week. And yeah, I can see that. I can see that, especially one here. It's a bit like, you know, clutching, you know, grabbing at straws. Is that the same clutching at straws? What the fuck does that even mean? Just straws. Yeah. There's a couple of straws here. Anyway, in 1997, on this day, Princess Diana said, I bet you can't drive through this tunnel with your eyes closed. On this day in 2015, David Attenborough had fistfuls of skittles pegged at his face and body by angry midgets. The midgets became aggressive when they noticed that a drunken Attenborough was commentating their behavior at the pub. Some of the skittles were thrown with such force that they embedded into David's skin and had to be removed with some tongs. Fucking hell. His old leathery skin. They just dissolve. No, they just get right in there. You know, his old skin sort of absorbs. How old is he now? 90. Bullshit. His fucking 90 something. Oh, so 90 or 90 something. 90 something maybe? Fuck. Yeah, check, Matt. I wish his name was Alexander. Yeah, same. Alexander the La. He's so cute. Me or Attenborough? Both of you, okay? Alexander Brown. He's 94. There you go. Born on the 8th of May, 1926. Day after my birthday. That's fucking insane. Imagine making it to 94. Imagine knowing that you're going to make it to 94. You'd be so fucking chill in the N.A. or fucking go and have a sleep. It's nice to know that. Yeah, we're probably well over halfway. Shut up. All right. On this day in 1929, a study revealed that large dogs evolved into bears. The larger bears evolved into horses and the horses with exceptionally long necks evolved into giraffes. Zebras are just stripy hyenas and cats. Well, cats are just big fuck off ferrets. There's a hamster in my freezer which is basically a small pig. The study was not peer-reviewed and has some basic flaws in logic, but interesting nevertheless, okay? Not peer-reviewed. It's probably not worth putting in there, Matt, but you've been busy at work, so we'll allow it. That was good. I like the fuck off ferrets. Well, you can sort of see it too. There's probably some truth to that study. What do you guys do to your knees? They're all fucked up. Yeah, we filmed a website video. Everyone on the website? Did you notice my face, Matt? Yeah, it looks like you've got. Michael's gonna notice. We got scabs all up our legs. It's because Michael's got an electric skateboard and has a remote and we filmed a video called Skateboard Rodeo and Michael, we were taking the intense to get on the skateboard and the other one would have the remote and would accelerate and brake, try and throw them off as quickly as possible and there's a punishment for the loser. It's scary. It's a scary fucking thing to do. On this day in 2015, Johnny Depp decided to punch his new missus in the middle of a back after she asked him to please stop pretending to be a pirate during dinner. Depp claims that he is a pirate and that it's gone beyond a character. It's who he identifies as now. He's in the process of legally changing his name to Jack Sparrow and says he will hit any man, woman, or child who tries to stop him. He will hit children especially hard because he says they should be supervised and shouldn't be getting involved with his life. Man. That is fucking harsh, Matt. Well, he's just reporting a fact so we can't be angry at Matt for that. He's just reporting facts. Let's see. All right, let's break this down for next to my near-fooler, Per Snagman. And this is a segment where we just answer questions that you guys have commented on our YouTube podcast channel, Marty and Michael Fully Actual. Matt Brown will now go ahead and read them. I gotta wake up. All right. Ready? Yeah. All right. First question is from Isaac Prentis. I don't know. I don't know this guy, but you guys might know me. He's asked, would you do a collab with Luke Fink? Oh, Luke Fink? Yeah. At Archerfield Drift Park? Something insane there would be sick. I don't know who Luke Fink is, but yeah, okay. I wouldn't. Do you reckon you could drift a car? Man. Oh, man. I'll fucking drift. Come on. You can't. I'll fucking drift around. Random bass. Come on. Fucking handbrake on. Come on. Next question. Fucking 80Ks now. Fucking hard turn, come on. Hard turn. All right, come on. Fucking around, you guys. Come on. Actually, we're fucking turbos. Oh, whoa. Oh, God. It's hard. Next question is from Glenn Ford. If someone was to make a film about you legends, what actor would you want to play? Michael would have Keanu Reeves. Yeah, definitely. I'd have Spike from Notting Hill. Oh, Reese Evans is his name. That's what people when I had shorter hair said that. Yeah, you did look like him. Fuck. I'd have Boyd Cordner, the football player. Fuck. What the fuck is that? Show me a picture. I've been told I look like him. I'll shoot. Yeah, I don't know. That is a question. Someone did raise that or comment that. Yeah, you look like Boyd Cordner, which sucks. You wait till you see this. No, I reckon I think I know. I think someone sent that through. You're like a hotter version. No, no, look at this. Yeah, you're a hotter version. He's more bigger. Look at this. Can't. No way. He looks like he drives it. I won't say. That's who I look like. Those of you who can't see, I'm holding the picture of him up to the camera, and it's not good. It's not good at all. You don't look like him. There's features. He's more baby-faced. You look like you. I look like an older Boyd Cordner. He's fucking 35. I look like an older Boyd Cordner. Oh, yeah. No, you look like a secret agent. Thank you. Next question is from Andrews. Wait, wait, wait. Give me a second chance. Scoop that up into your gallop. That was much better than the first. Yeah, I guess so. But careful you don't do a hammer. Oh, that licorice is back. Can you smell that? Watch this. Look, apparently, you know, that gets rid of the smell. Yeah, that's why they have matches. That's why you light incense in your bathroom. Yeah. Or candles. Isn't that crazy, huh? It makes fire. It chew all the gas up, huh? It chew it all up. The fire, the flame, it detract it. Detract all the poo. Next question is from Andrew Smith. Why don't you guys upload more than one vid a week? Why only one podcast a week? We have too many fucking responsibilities. There you go. We've got to upload. We've got to sleep. TikTok, we've got website, two vids a week. We bit off way more than we can chew there. We've got to talk about that, guys. We're going to start reducing it to one, but a long video, long form. Yeah, we'll probably cut back to one video. But yeah, we've got fucking Instagram, Facebook. There's too many things. We want it to be sustainable. So if we fucking try and pump out two a week, it's like we'd burn out. We'd burn out after a couple of months. We tried to film a vid today and it failed. So we got no work done today. Yeah. Like it's literally sometimes our videos just don't go as expected and then we can't use them because you guys, if we use, do use them. You go, oh, it's fucking shit. You guys are fucking stupid. Yeah. Your quality goes down if you try too much. This has happened to other pranks. You can't force it as well because you've got to make sure it's fucking legit or it's funny. So like today we went bowling, all right? And we're over the prank videos too. Like the fucking compilations. It's like, oh, we'd rather do science. We'd rather fucking just glue 40,000, five cent pieces to Michael's car. But it takes a long time. It takes a long time. Next question from Matt Sheehan. I know you guys don't do drugs anymore, but if someone happened to drop drugs into your drinks when you're out, which drug would you enjoy? And which one would you feel worse? If we were out, it'd just be MD, I guess. Yeah. Fuck that. I'd rather that in. No, but like if we're out, well, what else are they going to drop in there though? Think of the other options. Yeah. You don't drink. Yeah. Drink cocaine. Yeah. So it has to be MDMA. There's a second part of that asking if anyone's actually drugged you before. Yeah, yeah. I've drugged Michael multiple times. We used to go out. I used to spike Michael's drink. I'd drug the fuck out of him. Dangerously. Very dangerously. I'd be drugged myself. I wouldn't even know what I was putting in his fucking drink. I'd just splash some pills and run off to the bar. He had his back turned to me. Last time he double-dropped and then locky double-dropped. So I did four caps in one drink. Some people would die. Maybe Valium's and shit in a drink would be nice. You'd get all relaxed and flush. Yeah, but mixing it with alcohol, you'd be all... Yeah, no, you'd end up fucking losing your mind count. Next question from Hugo01. Question for the podcast. Would either of you consider getting a Brazilian wax for a video? What's that? It's like when you get a fucking cock ripped off. You get a cock ripped off. We want to get... Oh, that's a fucking website, vid. We'll go get... What's it called? A bikini wax. So you get all your ass hole. We'll get our ass hole. Oh, is that what that is? Is that what Brazilian wax is? Yeah. But is that crazy enough? Just getting our hair waxed? Is it a hurt? No, get your bulls wax. Bulls waxed, dick waxed, asshole waxed... Ah, then you do the most beautiful squirties. At least they'd look pretty. Well, maybe that'd sound too smooth. Yeah, it would be like... It's all high pitch. Question for the podcast, including Mat 2. Out of the three of you, who would you rather eat alive and which condiment would you use? Michael's been feeding himself quite well. And you'd use barbecue sauce? I know, yeah, of course. I'd go, I don't know, actually maybe, I don't know. The thigh, I'd have to check. I'd go, no, who would you eat first? I'd slip the coin, it wouldn't matter. But that was the second part of the question, what part would you start on? So you'd start on the thigh. I'd slow cook Mat's arse. Yeah, arse or thigh? And like have lather and barbecue sauce. I'd give you some. Imagine eating yourself, that's a video. The little hammer-oid would pop. How is that going? Is it gone? Yeah, it's still a tinsy bit there, but it's nearly gone. Show us. He rises, he sits. I knew, I didn't even get excited, I knew you were fucking lying. He rises. Shut up, he's pulling his pants down. He undoes his pants. This is a whole day's of work here, okay? Oh, yeah, look at that bare arse. Come a bit closer, mate, into the light. Oh, I'm pulling apart properly. I can't see anything, stop turning away. You fucking tease your fucking cock-tease, cunt. I've never seen his bum before. Show me your arse, oh no! You got like a bare bum, there's no hair. Yeah, what the fuck? Why is your arse looks like a fucking kid's arse? Not that I know what that looks like. God, it's cute. Why does your arse look like a fucking 15-year-old girl's arse? I know what that looks like. I'm not very hairy. Anyway. So he's just teased us, everyone. He was so close, there was. I saw like the ring, the outline. It was like a pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And you could see the rim, but he turned. There's nothing there, I think it's gone. So yeah, it's gone. I haven't looked at it for two days. It takes a couple days or a week or two. Can you show us how you look at it in the mirror? Well, when I'm looking, trying to put cream on it and do that shit, oh no, it's the other way. Because I like lean up against the bed and use the mirror on the wardrobe and I'm looking through my legs at the mirror. It's pretty cool. Oh, wow. Have you been pondering on you getting fingered? No, I just took it and that was it. So I moved on. I don't want to dwell on it. I don't want it to be a bad experience because I thought it was quite fun. So yeah, I'm just letting it be. That's fair. I highly recommend. Next question. Actually, this is more of a statement. Liam G. has got a conspiracy theory that I'm slowly taking over the podcast. He wants to know when it's going to be the Matt, Marty and Michael and the University of Matt, Michael. Well, yeah, let's see how it plays out. It could be. It could be a big conspiracy. And Matt's fucking thinking wants that to happen. Let's see how it plays out, everyone. No, it's not. Sam will tell. It will not change. It will always be Marty and Michael fully actual. Marty, have you ever considered doing an entire podcast in German? That's from Jacob Dickinson. Can you give us a few sentences, please? I would if I could, but my German is honestly, it's not good enough. You guys, I was three when we moved here and I don't speak German to anyone anymore because no one speaks German. So I've forgotten a lot. Someone's talking German to me. I can understand everything they're saying, but talking, I have to stop and think. It's like fucking talking to like a six-year-old little German boy. Yeah, didn't you say when we were in Germany, he'd be talking to people on the street and they'd be like, the German people would be like, why the fuck does your German sound like you're like an old person? Because there's no slang going on or anything? No, I would use slang and shit that old people use. People my age, why the fuck do you talk like that? You fucking cunt. It's so good. Can you say horse stables? Fout. I don't know what stables is, but horses. I fout. I wish horse stables was just fout. They combine them? Yeah, it is. Go on. Fuck it. Fout is horse stables. What the fuck is fout? P-F-E-R-D. Shit. Fout. Fout. Man, it's interesting. Cool. Strange. Another Jacob, but his last name is Borders. What's Condor? Condor, but I think it's the same. If you could travel back in time, what year would it be and what would you do? 2001 and I would be on one of the planes that hit the twin towers. Michael. I want to have a chat to him. Fuck. Maybe send him an email or something. Maybe like back when it was the Egypt days. Fuckin pyramids and sea bees. I think we've answered this before. I'd go back to the Big Bang. Seattle. I think we did answer this. Yeah, the Big Bang, but you wouldn't really be able to see. Just the beginning of everything. I mean, you want to go back to Egypt? I'd go back to the beginning. Yeah, but you can go back to these days as well. I meant like pyramid times. Yeah. Like it was fully happening. Well, what would you be? I want to see how they were constructed and built. That's what I want to say. I'd bring a fucking phone with me. You can't. And then they'd burn you for being a witch or some shit. Nah, I'd be hiding in the sand. Like it was no sand though. Why? Well, at one point it was quite jungly, I think. Fuck, that's hot. But I think aliens built the pyramids. Anyway, let's move on. Yeah, I'm not going to say no. I'm not going to say yes. Next question is from Lake McBogan. Bogan, Lake McBogan. When are you guys getting new merch for our syringworms to buy and show the world and give us any info on what merch we can look forward to seeing? Man, we're going to get Yulia on this, I reckon. Don't you think? Yeah. Because, again, we have so much shit on. We can't fucking juggle at all. We were meant to start a new line of merch, but the person we're going to deal with has sort of moved on. So it's like we've just been pushing it back. And to be honest, if we started it now, we'd half-ass it. So we're just going to wait till some time's freed up, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's on the list. Right now, we're just fucking, we're just concentrating on pumping videos out. Because video after video. We're going week to week here, guys. It's like going to be a limited holiday at the end of the year. And we're getting like fuck all fucking Facebook's fuck. Yeah, we don't make any money now from social media. Matt, did you know that? Nothing. We make a little bit from YouTube. That's it. What the fucking cent? This is all demonetized. Facebook's fucked. Fucking cat. Instagram. No money on Instagram. We make a little bit of money from YouTube. And that's fucked. We get, oh, yeah. That's, I'm going to sound like I'm whining. But we're still grateful that we are in the position we're in. So thank you. Yeah, it's okay. Question for the podcast from Holza Hols. I'm sending a parcel through to you guys. And I have some super hot beef jerky. You're keen on trying it for stunt time. Yeah. We've done that. We have a fucking look. We have this parcel. Oh, let me give a little bit of a shake. That could be the parcel. How good would that be if we read that out? It's kind of surprises. Oh, I can't dare it. He also added Holza. Holza means wood in German. So when you wake up with morning woods, say hello for me. Holza. Holza. Holza. Marty. Holza. Holza. Holza. Holza. Question for the podcast from RJ. Where do you boys stand on the Trump and Biden situation and the conspiracy theories? Cut that. I want to get in political shit on this podcast. That idea. Question for the podcast. If you do another streak after you have ran on the field, can you stop and get on your knees and bend over like you're ready for business? I think they're referring to your... Next time we streak? Yes. Yes, we can do that. We'll remember this. John Dandrea, question for the podcast. If you could bring anyone back from the dead, who would it be? George Washington. Steven Spielberg. He's not dead. That was good. That was very good. Question for the podcast from Lockheed McClip. Will you guys ever start vlogging? Would you love to see that? Is that something you guys would move into in the future? Yeah, that's what we're thinking about. Turning the website content into next year. Just one big fuck off vlog. How about episode of the week? A week and just like behind the scenes of all the social media videos that we did for that week, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So yes. And fuckery. Yes, we will be doing vlogs next year. Question from Dingle McKringleberry. Am I am as I am? Am I am as I am? Yes. Well, to be fair, yes. This one's easy because we've answered it and we've told stories before, but have you ever got into a fight at a bar or street fight? No. These can't hear you fucking hell, man. We used to get the shit beaten out of us in our early 20s. This fucking doll here was such a shit-star when we were out. All the boys would get crossed with us because we'd be such attention-seeking fuckers. Oh, actually, I can. And Michael would be sitting there by on them kisses and shit. And we'd get the shit beaten out of us repeatedly. We've had that. We've lost so many more fights, but we've been in a, yeah. We've won a few. We've won a few. How is this for history? The races? One of the first YouTube videos that ever actually saw you guys before you even thought about doing it was a video of you guys getting into a fight. Yeah, that's right. That's right. It was a fucking karaoke, but the whole club had to get shut down. But the races brawl was probably my favorite. Yeah, that was a good day. That was the one we won, and they got kicked out. Yeah, true. We didn't lose that one at the fucking 40th either. No, yeah. Look, we can fucking brawl, cunt. We can fucking tron, cunt. I swing an O. Next question is from Kay. Marty, does your girlfriend ever dress up as a cow for you? No. I don't like to mix those two things, those two worlds together. Because imagine if I blacked out and woke up and there was a fucking bloated corpse in front of me two weeks later the day. Imagine that is the laugh. And final question for the podcast. For Matt, Michael and Marty, what age did you guys lose your virginities? I think I was like eight or 12. 12? 12. Voluntary or involuntary time? It was fucking camping trip was one of the uncle's. Yeah, your uncle was very sexually aggressive. What's his name? I want everyone to search him on Facebook. I won't do that, I won't do that to him. I got a first, my first fucking... while in hospital. No, we've already said this in a previous podcast. I think mine was my uncle and yours was a cow. Yeah, a fucking goth. It was like literally it would be last year for you. Yeah, look, I'm putting it out. Yeah, you haven't. Shut up, everyone fucking shut your fucking mouth. I'm gonna get you to blow it. I worked a bit. Did it really? Yeah. Fucking stressful, man. Getting that shit on camera. Which is the name of our next segment. And this is a segment where we open the shit that you fuckers have sent to our PO box. And we've got a big old boxy. And I'm half way through, I've been on big white box. Matt, could you please get me one of these from the fridge? All right, let's see where we got here. It's always a bit nerve wracking. It's always a bit nerve wracking opening these after we got sent actual human shit. Wait, wait, wait, wait, I can't, I can't, I can't. Stand up. Shut up, no. I'm scared you're gonna grab me. Yep, licorice. All right, what do we have here? I've opened the parcel. And inside is a lot of bubble wrap. Oh, wow. Inside the bubble wrap. Oh, what do we have here? Looks like a toy, hey? That's strange. Oh, I know why. I know why they sent us this. We've got our own characters. Bullshit. No. What are you fucking talking about? All right, we have a fucking, someone has sent us a toy of disco stew from The Simpsons. Oh, disco dancing. Because of the disco dancing. Oh, very good. Thank you. Holy fucking shit. That's so nice. Yeah, man, it'll be worth fucking thousands in like fucking five years, man. You should fucking see them Pokemon fucking cards now. I mean, you fucking... Thank you to whoever sent that in. Doesn't have a name here. What does it? Oh, there's some writing on the inside of the box. Disco dancing. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. From the lovely young chap you met at JB Hi-Fi. Richie, you fucking legend, Richie. Oh, is that the dude? The camera said he's a member. Are you fucking legend? Oh, my God. There is good people still. Maybe. Maybe. All right, let's fucking move on, man. That's all we got sent this week. If you want to send us some shit, we'll open it live on the podcast. You know, it's good promo. Makes us happy. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. What a legend. Hey, it's time for the next segment. It's been renamed. And this is a segment where we read the secrets that you guys have damned us. And fuck me, you can'ts are fucked. Dude, we got some good ones. Man, if some of these are real, we only try and pick them. There are some that are obviously not true. So we try and weed them out and try to pick ones that are legit. Almost too legit. This first secret is from, I can't say his name, everyone. We promised you will all be anonymous, didn't we? Anyway, Robert has said, my old boss used to work a little bit, used to work a little bit too hard, always sweating and constantly doing shit one day. He was on the toilet and I had no idea. I needed to piss, so I went to the toilet. That's when I walked into him smoking a crack pipe. Long story short, he couldn't get on one day. So I asked if I could get him on. He wanted a ball of meth, so I took his money and gave him rock salt. He tried smoking it and it made, and it made a popping sound which made him shit himself. And he dropped his pipe. As he was trying to clean it up, the builder slash contractor came around the corner and saw the whole thing. He blew up at my boss and with his rage of dropping his pipe, he knocked the builder out with one punch. Long story short, cops were called and I haven't seen him since. Imagine fucking watching that in real life. Imagine fumbling your meth pipe and fucking co-workers walk through the fucking door. Oh, worst timing. Yeah, you'd be so fucking like... Yeah, like that. I have a secret. I eat my boogers, but still there is more. The boogers from my right nostril are... This is a lie. No, it's legit. I'm similar. All right, the boogers from my right nostril are more tasty. So what I do is pull them out and then place them in my left nostril because I have a deviated septum. The left nostril is huge and very concave. The result is a delicious booger patty that has several layers to it. Oh! And as I add the boogers from the right nostril throughout the week, each Friday night I harvest my booger patty and nibble on it for hours. This technique provides a crispy outer layer of mucusy middle like a rare steak. And Michael can relate to that one. Well, dude, do you collect them? No, I don't. You collect sheets of skin after you've been sunburnt. Yeah, I collect the skin. But after a night out on the charlie, I remember I used to be able to go in here and then just go straight out and hook whatever in this side because it's eaten away. And I could pull out fucking like cities. Small cities. Detailed skyscrapers. The hard part would connect here and then it would get all the mucus that's up up here. So it would literally be like this side. Was it touching his brain? Was it just touching his brain? And then it would just be hanging. And I'd just keep him outside. Yeah, he used to hang them up like chandeliers around the living room. The skin I'd keep inside because skin's not as gross. Yeah, when Michael gets sunburnt and sheds his skin, he saves it and puts it. I find sheets of skin large where he's particularly fond of the large sheets that he can pull off without any breaks in them. You're like a gold member from Austin Powers who keeps his skin. I remember my thighs got really burnt and I fully pulled off the whole outer layer of my thigh. Like a sheet like this big. So like 30 centimetres by 10. And then I'd just leave it on the armchair of my couch when I used to live with my family. So it brings mum to find. Yeah, but she was cool with me leaving. I'd like mum, keep them now. I want to show my friends. It's beautiful, dude. You fucking love it. I promise you, Matt. You fucking do love it. It's not so bit fucked. That's why I keep them outside. But the skin. Skin is forever. Imagine snot on wrapped in skin burgers. Oh, yuck. But you can only get those good boogers if you've had a night out on Mr. Charlie. You could probably do it just in snorting dirt. Yeah. Yeah, true. But it wouldn't, yeah. Small rocks. Gravel. What do you think, Matt? Matt's just like... Salt. He's not really... He's just squirming right now. Looks a bit sweaty. When I was eight, I did a shit on the grass. My parents think it was the dog, but then we all watched the dog eat my shit like macaroni and cheese. That is fucked. So the dog's eating his shit after he's gone and dumped it on the lawn, brother. This person says, put away my mate's hundred kilogram plus sister one night when I had too many cans. Never told anyone about it. But I tell you what, it was the best fuck I've ever had in my life. The bigger the better I say now, I'm in jail. I added that last bit. That's not true. The bigger the better, eh? Is that true? Is it, Matt? All right. Next secret is from this person here. And he has said, my girlfriend likes to eat my ass after nosebears. I'm on my knees. I love it, but I feel very vulnerable and exposed every time. Also, I'm a very clean person, but after I can smell ass cheeks sweat on her face when I kiss her. Thoughts on my secret? Call me Billiam Shakespeare. You're the best. Fuck me. Dude, imagine that on all fours pulling your cheeks apart and your fucking mrs. Lapping at your ringhole. Would you ever have your ass eaten? No, I don't think I would like it. I wouldn't do it. I'd tense up and pull away every time. It's just instinctive. I don't know how people can sit there and do that. It's like having your foot tickled. Like how can you get used to it? Yeah, dude. It'd be rough. What about you, Matt? Yeah, I'm open to it. You're open to it? Yeah. Yeah, I'm open to it. This person has said, I've been bullied all my life. I tried killing myself by drinking oil and poison. Oil is an interesting choice to try and kill yourself. What would you drink if you had to finish yourself off? I don't know. I'd have to research it. I'd have to have a bit of a read. Maybe methylated spirits, because then you'd get hammered drunk as you died. What do you reckon, Matt? I don't know. I think I'd research something on the internet. Something that I can fall asleep to and not wake up. I'd fucking crush up 50 Zanis, have them, and then just have you get a defibrillator while I'm unconscious and just force a heart attack. Is that what I'm unconscious? Maybe. 50 Zanis, they'd kill you, right? No, it might just knock you out. Maybe if you don't have any tolerance, 50 would kill you. For sure. But in case it didn't, get the bloody defibrillators count. Can you use them even if you're just breathing and your heart rate's fine? You could throw it out of whack. You could potentially induce a heart attack, I think. Wow. You're really medical. You fucking it! I've just gone and put a paperclip in Michael's beer, everybody. Can you go get me another one, please? He's not going to drink it now, heavy metal. I googled how many Xanax would it take to end me and it came up with a whole lot of call this number from filling down. So, we don't have an answer for that one. That's so fucked. People want to know. Anyway, next question, next secret. I have many a dark secret. But in my younger days, I used to go to this nasty-ass brothel, purely because I knew they were all on meth and I wanted to hit the glass dick. Also, once I dropped acid and told a black gentleman to bite the gutter because he was rude to me. Also, one time I found a bunch of B-C-L-C porn on my brother's computer. Also, one time I got into 1K debt for Coke when I knew I couldn't pay it back. That time is right now. Yeah, it sounds like you're struggling a bit there, buddy. That's intense. I am a trader and when I funded my first trading account, it was about $3,000. And when I reflected on my trading account, it reported it as fraud to the bank and demanded that they repay the money. They actually paid me my $3,000 back. Catch me if you can. There you go, guys will scam to get the money out of the bank, see? Try it. Let us know what happens. I don't know if this... Hang on. I've got two secrets. My tolerance for stupid ignorant people and screaming children is that low that if there is someone like that around me, I get that aggressive on the inside that I imagine kicking the back of their heads with all my body power or smash them against a huge tree. I've never been violent against anybody and I never will be. I don't want to go to prison but my fantasies about it these moments are extremely graphic and detailed. PS, I'm not a psychopath. I love kittens and quackers. Secret number two. I extremely never ever want children. That seems to be that deep inside of me that I dreamt several times that I was pregnant and then tried to find out what kind of accident it could have. I could have that wouldn't harm me but kill the unborn. I am so sorry. I swear I'm not a psychopath. Thank you for your honesty. Some people just don't want kids. There's poetry. The graphic violent thoughts are a little concerning but thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate that love and the fucking secrets everyone. Keep that shit rolling man. Yeah we need new ones everyone. I saw a bunch getting sent in before I saw notifications popping up so you're just getting sent to cheese boys. And girls. It's great. Also, we're going to keep going with this fucking sentences segment. We'll see what we can do. It's time for the next segment. And it's been renamed. And this is a segment where we just read out sentences that hopefully have never ever been said before by anyone. Any human ever. So we're trying to trail-braise new sentences here. Shit that's never been said before. Do you understand what I'm saying? If you manage to get one of these it's like it's a rare diamond Matthew. It's a cool accomplishment. It's like a tick off the bucket list. And they've got to make sense guys. You can't just fucking send 10 random words in. I'll tell you, that's what mine I did today. Flick through a dictionary. No it has to be, because of course I can just say table table cat howl glass kitchen door door door door door door door nine. That's been said. 100%. Shit that's actually the name of a movie. Yeah. See sorry. Fuck rules. Apart from I did a couple today that I like that. So let them slide. From now on. Alright Matt. Okay. Fuck. Alright. This is from Charlo. Aiden Hurston. I was in your nans vagina until she ran into the wall and took a poo on the dog. Say that again. I was in your nans vagina until she ran into the wall and took a poo on the dog. That's probably never been said. Okay. This is from Andrew Jury. A squeamish girl giggled at my chock-a-blocker nut skin and squishy squid for a skin while. I pumped her gassy fanny and chaffed ass off. Gassy fanny? That's a good name for a band. Gassy fanny. Gassy fanny. Oh. That is a sick way to say it. Your mother. Toffer Pappy. Oh Julia Woods. You have such a large throbbing member. Yeah. Never been said before. Definitely. Sam Warner. That's never been said before. Okay. You can do this one. He said read in like a hipster voice I don't know. Yo Liddy. Squad goals getting on the drug booth squits. Loki not gonna lie. TBH like Defoe excreted a lump or two. Topsy Tovey. Silibili type ting ya. Oh. Silibili type ting ya. Oh. Ah. Ah. Lucas O.D. Has said let me drink that cheap while mum Germany. I like that. That's good. That's my favourite. Okay I'll go first here. Trevor married a house fire. Salamander hair. That's probably been said before. Yeah. Certainly two words. The more words the more likely it's never been said before. The dumb doctor built a table made of kneecaps. Imagine that. I think that's been said. I'm gonna put it down. It's too mainstream. Unmute the wood. That's a good one. That's probably never been said. Foxes can back up software. Probably. Stiff clip bit fish mitt. We've definitely said that before. Yeah it's been done. I just like how it rolls up the top. The neck was approved for a mortgage. Yeah that's good. I'm out. Okay that was a little bit better. Keep them coming guys. We'll give this segment a little bit more of a chance. But yeah we'll see how it goes. Oh we're flying. Here we go now. Home stretch is it? Final segment actually. Dude. Hey Matthew. This new segment has been renamed to you know those fire engine. It sounded like it. Can you do that sound that the bottle makes again? Was it you doing it? No that was Marty. Anyway that's the name of this segment. And there's a segment where we do a prank call. This week's prank call. Hey Matt there's a cabbage on the table behind you. Can we try call the old mate again? We said we would in last week. We said we call him. And see if you can sell him the pigs again. Okay. Yes! Hello Arnold here my speaker. Yeah my name. No my name Arnold. AI in Holland. Fine. AI in Holland. Arnold. Fine. Very good. Hello. Arnold fine. We spoke briefly last week. You remember huh? You light it down? No problem. Small pig farmer not Brisbane. You remember? I sell a couple pigs. I sell a couple pig butcher near you. And they're very happy with the product. I could not believe it. Do you supply? Yeah we supply to a few little butcher around North Brisbane a couple of nibbles. A few interested people. I thought I'd call you back maybe. Yeah what's their names? I've written them down. I'm on the office. Yeah right okay. I'm from Australia. I'm not moving from them guys. You pay for that pig. What if I say okay. I'll give you cheaper huh? No no. I bring a pig in. Let me tell you what okay. I'll bring the pig in. On a leash. Of course they're running around the backyard. They're flicking around. My name Arnold fine. I've been breeding pigs all my life. Have you got anything on paper that says you're a certified free range pig farmer? I can write it down for you if you like. I write it down. I've been with them for over 10 years. I appreciate your offer. Look to tell authority it's okay. That's a crazy name. Unbelievable. Look I was just trying to sell you a pig. Premium pig. Premium pig. Pork chop you far as the eye can see. What's your name and number mate? My name is Arnold fine. What's your mobile number? My mobile number is 0405. Yeah. 042699. I'm Arnold fine a small pig farmer. What's your friend maybe by pig? Okay. What type of pig they sell? You tell your friend premium pig. I'll give you premium price. I'll give you back when I'm ready. You tell your friend I'll give you premium price. When you call yes. I'll give you back next week okay? That's poor guns. Was he like threatening? I don't know. He was like yeah it said like what did you bash? Fuck. I gotta put my fucking phone on private. Yeah it's gonna be funny if he gets your number. Oh shit. You called a business. Not a fucking mobile then I'm pretty sure. Yeah but if that number doesn't work I'll just look at the bloody bloodies. You were getting really aggressive. Are you kidding me? I am really proud. You're thanking him at the end. Thank you very much Jesus. Oh my god. I'm not fine. They're the best. We are the best. We're the best. We're the best, we're the best, we're the best. Oh fucking hell. Arnold fine needs to be here always. Hahahaha. Hahahaha.