 It is very much different than having a normal conversation because in a normal conversation you're in the subject, you're talking about something, you're in the flow, whereas the very first time you open your mouth and you need to say something, you need to engage the other person, it usually is very spontaneous. You can't premeditate about what you're going to say for half an hour because by then the train will stop and the other person has left already. So breaking the ice very often is it's required to be fairly spontaneous with your mouth opening and frankly just saying something. What's up everybody and welcome to the show today. We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that you're going to have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell and if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends. One of my favorite things to do when I am meeting couples who just start dating or even friends who met asking them how they met and inevitably they'll talk about where they met what the interaction was maybe who approached who but very often if you ask well what was said what what broke the ice what started that conversation they'll often not know exactly what was said or done because the ice breaking part is not that memorable we put so much pressure on ourselves to come up with this fancy one liner you may have found this podcast by googling a list of icebreakers that you could memorize that would naturally make the conversation flow instantly with anyone in actuality this is a small moment in time of creating that relationship that is required it's required that you actually strike up the conversation but it's not nearly as impactful as many of us visualize or think and I think obviously the way it's presented in modern media and in Hollywood that you need to have this fancy opener that makes you look like James Bond that makes you look so smooth to get the conversation started but many of us find ourselves in incredible relationships with no memory of what was initially said or what the weather was like that day when someone made small talk with us because it's a moment in time that creates the space for connection so we need some simple strategies that we can use in our back pocket but it's not about memorizing crazy lines and it's not about standing out in a unique fashion that makes breaking the ice really effective well the more you think about your approach the more you think about engaging with people the more difficult you've made it on yourself and now you've set up expectations that you need to meet most of the people that I have met it's just been walking over and saying hello or shooting them an email saying I'm going to be at this event too it'd be great to meet you and that's it when you start to think about it you start to think how am I going to do this now you're putting together ridiculous plans in your head and now you need to meet those ridiculous plans I think there is this discrepancy between how people understand approaching another person and then having a conversation and I like to liken it to jumping off this board that you have at a pool you just jump off the board and it takes you a second and then you swim for 10 minutes it's not about the jumping off part it's about the swimming part so in my own experience and what I've seen at the x-factor accelerator as well is that most people kind of do okay in conversations once the once it's flowing once the conversation is going they might not be brilliant but they're doing okay they keep themselves above water and and if you're listening to this and you're thinking well well I don't let me tell you that it takes about an hour or two of actual practice to get you good enough at that so that you're no longer drowning and I'm saying this because I've done so many implementation sessions at the x-factor accelerator where we're practicing small talk where we're practicing vulnerability we're practicing a deeper connection and it takes people two sessions and they're good they rock this the problem is jumping off the board that that first sentence that first interaction which AJ said no one remembers anyway no one remembers think back to how you met your best friend how you met your partner what was the first thing you said to that person 99% of the people can't answer that question if you can well congratulations but you're definitely the outlier and at the same time this is the part that we most stress about when it comes to breaking the ice what do I say first and so on one side the the simple answer is it doesn't really matter how's your day going how's your weekend how do you know the host and do you like ham whatever it might be it doesn't really matter on the other side however it is very much different than having a normal conversation because in a normal conversation you're in the subject you're talking about something you're in the flow whereas the very first time you open your mouth and you need to say something you need to engage the other person it usually is very spontaneous you can't premeditate about what you're going to say for half an hour because by then the the train will stop and the other person has left already so breaking the ice very often is it's required to be fairly spontaneous with your mouth opening and frankly just saying something even if it's just like hey where are you going how do you how do you know the host what what brings you here and and that is good enough because once once you're in the water once your air quotes swimming you're going to be fairly okay to be you're fairly okay to just have a conversation with the other person to begin with now in the program we just ran on monday we kicked off with exactly this some strategies some simple frameworks that we're going to talk about here in a minute on how to break the ice more effectively and naturally there were some guys in the room who already have a ton of experience breaking the ice and felt really comfortable and confident so they thought you know what i'm not going to follow the art of charm framework i'm just going to walk up there and i'm going to say something and wing it and inevitably what happened in those situations on video work there were two guys in particular who walked over there and they tried to be extra funny and observe something and turn it into something bigger and in doing so they put a lot of pressure on themselves and they opened the conversation with a statement trying to go for humor trying to go for shared laughter and it inevitably fell flat and our coach angry who was on the other receiving end of it felt pressure on herself because it wasn't clear that they were actually interested in talking to her it felt more like they were looking to perform for the other members in the program and we often do this when we're searching for those crazy one-liners and those icebreakers we're approaching it from the wrong way so in michael and all of your examples you used questions and you were asking the other person something now this is very important because if we're not taking interest in the other person if we're not expressing curiosity in the other person well one much like angry during the military program that other person that stranger might not even know that the conversation is meant for them if you start a conversation with a witty one-liner or with a sentence that is pointed at that person directed at that person a stranger is not going to assume it's meant for them a stranger is not going to naturally understand your sense of humor and realize that what you are trying to do is have a conversation we drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that you're going to have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell and if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends so the simplest strategy at the end of the day to be more effective with breaking the ice is to be more interested in other people and as Dale Carnegie says the more interested you are the more interesting you become and it's counterintuitive for most many of us want to be the most interesting person we want to win the other person's approval and interest and attention and in doing so we we think of well what's the craziest thing i could say how could i be the most funny how could i get the laugh and in overthinking it we actually turn off the other person they start to assume it's not for them this conversation doesn't seem that interesting or we don't seem interested in them and naturally the other person isn't going to share so the simplest ice breaking framework is to ask a question is to be more curious about the other person now there's a slight nuance here that i want to highlight and that nuance is that conversations don't work if the other person is given a one word answer a yes or no so we do want to avoid yes or no questions because naturally a yes or no question becomes a dead end you then have to ask another question so do you like him no okay well where where do i go from here i like him okay well what does that have to do with the bus getting on time i don't know right so yes or no questions not a great way to break the ice who you hear with what are you drinking where are you from how did you find out about this meetup event what brings you out this evening those are great questions that tee up a conversation for the other person and create you showcasing interest in them unfortunately with one-liners and trying to be witty or silly if it's a statement it doesn't give the other person much to work with they don't know it's meant for them and often the conversation will end so many thoughts around this so first if you try to be extra unique with the way that you approach the other person and you have this witty one-liner that that the person has never heard before you're trying to do exactly what a thousand other people have tried before and to add insult to injury you probably take an hour to come up with that thought to begin with by which time that train has already left and the person is on it so don't try to be witty something as simple as what do you like most about this place how do you know the host how whatever the any open-ended question is going to be good enough to start the conversation don't try to be that special snowflake that asks the question that now one ever what do you think about ensalms unique theorem or whatever no like don't don't do that like what what brought you here how that stuff like that the open-ended question that leaves the other person with an opportunity to say more than just yes and no and that also goes the other way around so if I were to ask AJ AJ how are you doing the answer I'm doing great it's not a good one because it gives me nothing to then work with right I've made it a a rule that if someone who asked me how I'm doing I'm giving them an answer well you know what actually I'm a little bit sore because I've increased my workout and this cardio stuff is just killing my calves guess what now the other person whether that was a smart answer or not I'm not sure my calves certainly have an opinion about it but now the other person has something to build that conversation off of and so so there is this cultural discrepancy I will admit to between the US and in Europe where in the US the answer of I'm great it's just the standard thing you say to this introductory question and it's totally acceptable there's nothing wrong with it it also doesn't help you so the moment your mind goes oh I actually want to have a conversation with that person maybe think about saying more than I'm great maybe maybe add a little bit of what's happening in your life at that point so that you give the other person some fuel to build that conversation off on there's something in your answer that I want to point out for those especially in the audience who feel a little bit shocked maybe you lack in some socialization experience many of our clients who tend to be very analytical who work a lot more with computers and people who maybe grew up in a household of other introverts who didn't have as much socialization will often find themselves in that situation where they get asked a question and a one word answer seems to suffice when someone is trying to break the ice with them and sure you're having a great day but as Michael pointed out that doesn't really offer much conversational thread for the other person to follow along with to add to in your first answer of why you were having a great day and the cardio and the sore calves is you used a key phrase because so you answered how you were feeling and then you gave the context for why you were feeling that way so if you find yourself in situations where small talk is dying where you're finding yourself feeling really awkward and maybe you don't know where to take the conversation one of the easiest strategies to make things easier on the other person who broke the ice and to open up more conversational threads is to add the phrase because dot dot dot and share why you're feeling that way what is the context behind your response and just by saying that right i could clue into the fact that michael's doing more cardio and he's got this new workout from his new year's resolution so many more conversational threads to follow from that simple answer instead of just saying oh i'm feeling great today so if you find yourself in situations where conversations are dying answering those questions from others and adding the clause because and sharing a bit more about yourself really opens up those conversations to transition out of small talk to transition into more vulnerability and more of that social connectedness we're looking for