 The life of an average schoolteacher tends to run along a fairly smooth and even path. But if that teacher's name is Constance Brooks and she teaches English at Madison High School, that path is apt to be not quite so smooth and even. Somehow, while most girls go through life attracting boys, I go through a detracting accident. Wednesday, as I was leaving Clay City High after a visit with a friend, I hit the jackpot of all accidents. I was walking toward the elevator, my mind off in space, when a few seconds later, so was I. I had stepped into an open elevator shaft. The next thing I knew, I was hanging by my fingertips. Jason Brill, Clay's principal, had rushed up and pulled me to safety. The newspaper photographers had taken our pictures and we were so busy, I didn't have a chance to faint until I got home. The next morning, as my landlady and I sat down to breakfast, I slipped the newspaper casually under Mrs. Davis' eyes and waited for her reaction. Finally, it came. In tones quivering with excitement, she said, Honey, what's a two-letter word meaning sun god? Davis, look! No, dear, look has four letters. Maybe I should try it vertical. Now, let's see. What's a three-letter word for feline domestic animal? Meow! Oh, no. Quiet, Minerva, and finish your milk. Now, three-letter word for feline domestic animal. Meow! It's no use, Minerva. Davis, if you forget that crossword puzzle for a moment and look at the front page, you might see a story about a person you know that will interest you. Oh, all right, dear. Well? Oh, my, my goodness. Why, Connie, this is your picture. A picture of you and Jason Brill. But what are you two doing on the front page? If you'll read the story, you'll see what we're doing there. A story. Oh, that's right, there is a story. Jason Brill, principal of Clay City High School, played the hero yesterday as he hoisted Constance Brooks, Madison High English teacher out of an open elevator shaft. Miss Brooks had been dangling by her fingertips three stories up with the elevator a floor above her when she was finally rescued. Oh, Connie, how awful. But, dear, I don't quite understand. Don't quite understand what, Mrs. Davis? Wouldn't it have been simpler to wait for the elevator like everybody would? Not with my claustrophobia. Mrs. Davis, the whole thing was an accident. A horrible nightmarish accident. Oh, of course, dear. Will you hurt? No, I'm all right today. Now, please don't worry about me, Mrs. Davis, I have as many lives. Meow! No coaching, Minerva. Don't you want to read the rest of the story? I'm reading it now. Mr. Brill, who is currently one of the principals being considered for promotion to assistant superintendent of schools, was extremely modest about his daring rescue. When asked to comment, he said, this is nothing that any other aggressive, vigorous, alert, level-headed, courageous man wouldn't have done under similar circumstances. If he had his whole comment, he would have been elected to Congress. As it is, I doubt if he'll make assistant superintendent. At least not while Mr. Conklin is also trying for the job. Oh, is our good still after that position? Like Dick Tracy is after a rughead. Like today, our boy unveils his Project X in front of Mr. Stone. Project X? Goodness, it sounds important. What is it, dear? If I know Mr. Conklin, it's probably a scientific method of making six teachers do the work of one principal. Frankly, Mrs. Davis, I'm dying to find out about Project X myself. Mr. Conklin's promised me that this morning he's letting the cat out of the bag. Back in the bag, Minerva. In any case, Connie, it might be a good idea to drop in and see your principal before your first class. He'll be so relieved to see you unscratched. He'll bust over you like a cat over a baby kitten. They're playing our song. Perfect Health, none the worse for wear, not a scratch on me and ready to start the day's work with a brave smile, so don't you worry one bit. Sit down, you traitor. Conklin, didn't you read the story about me in the morning paper? Seven times. Miss Brooks, you knew I was in a life-and-death struggle with Jason Brill for assistant superintendent. You knew that making him a hero would practically ruin my chances. For lo, these many years, you've been enjoying all of your accidents right here at Madison. And now, when I need you most, why did you have to take your business elsewhere? I was thoughtless of me, sir. And I was so confident that when I unveiled my Project X before Mr. Stone III this afternoon, it would dwarf all of Brill's recent projects. But now, with his heroes... Uh, is this your Project X, sir, this desk microphone and the instrument panel with push buttons? Yes, yes, it's an amplifying system. Sitting right here in my office, I can press buttons and hear what's going on in any classroom or hallway. I can check on my teachers and students at any time. Board of Education was delighted when I suggested they try out the system at Madison. Would you show me how it works, sir? Well, I had promised my daughter Harriet she would be the first to hear it this morning, but I don't know what's happened to her. Oh, I'm certain she wouldn't mind if I heard it first. No, I suppose not. All right, I'll flick it on. We'll warm up with room 100, although it may be unoccupied at this early hour. Harriet, just one little kiss. No, Walter. Shattered like that. If you hadn't made a hero out of Jason Brill, it would have been enough to sway Mr. Stone in favor of my promotion. I tell you, frankly, if Mr. Stone selected Jason Brill for that job, I'm going to be in a very ugly mood indeed. I will hark back constantly to the incident that caused my defeat, knowing always at whose doorstep to lay the blame. You can imagine what may occur. Yes, sir. For the next six months, you're liable to trample all over my welcome mess. A hero out of our principal's arch-rival, Jason Brill, Mr. Conklin felt that I had cost him his promotion to Assistant Superintendent. Just before lunch, Mrs. Davis phoned to find out how I was feeling, and I gave her a rundown of the situation. Connie, I'm amazed at Osgood. He acted more like he wished I were down than under. He feels I've cost him his promotion. Well, he's just upset. Heardrums. That system is driving us all crazy, Mrs. Davis. He listens in on us in the classrooms and the hallways and the recreational minutes ago. I had the shock of my life in the female faculty room. Don't worry about that now, since... Mrs. Davis, what did you just say? Mr. Boynton in the lunchroom and breaks the good news to him. PM today, he's going to be rescued by Mr. Conklin from a terrible accident. Oh, now, you said you had a big favor to ask me. What is it? Yes, I did want to ask a favor, Mr. Boynton, but perhaps I better not ask it here. You know who might be listening in on us right now. Who? Which who? Oh, yes, that who. I could whisper it to you, though. Bring your ear over closer. Now, listen. Say that sickle. You know, you set a chill right down my spine. Care to do me now? Just talk in low tone. Oh, Miss Brooks, believe me, you're worrying needlessly. I'm sure Mr. Conklin has something better to do than listen in on lunchroom conversations. But if you're worried, why don't you just write down what you have to say on a napkin? What do you think of that idea? I think it's the sneakiest thing I've heard today. Conklin, gosh, you were right, Miss Brooks. Don't get panicky, friend. Just follow me across to the unoccupied zone of Madison High. Perfectly safe from him here in the boiler room, Mr. Boynton. There isn't a wire in the place, see? Uh, still, he's here, Miss Brooks. I can feel it in my bones. This room is wired, too. I know he's here. Mr. Boynton, look. I'll prove to you once and for all that Mr. Conklin has no wires down here. Here's a paper bag on the floor. I'll blow it up and explode it near the ceiling. Watch. Now that Mr. Conklin can't hear us, what was that big favor you wanted? Mr. Stone is coming over at three this afternoon to hear the amplifying system in action. And when he presses the button to hear what's going on in your laboratory, I was wondering if you could be in the midst of a fake accident yelling for help. Oh, I see. You mean if I have this fake accident and Mr. Conklin saves me, Mr. Stone may pick him for that promotion and will be rid of him and his amplifying system. You ain't just burning your Bunsen, Boynton. Right, I mean. Now, just in case Mr. Conklin has regained his hearing, let's go outside and talk over the details. All right, Miss Brooks. Follow me. This back door leads to the athletic field. Here in the boiler room, Harriet, not a chance. Believe me. But are you sure, Walter? Well, just to play it absolutely safe, I'll test. Just one little kiss? It's okay, Harriet. If he'd heard me, his bark would have exploded the boiler room by this time. Now, what do you think of my plan? Well, making a hero of Daddy in front of Mr. Stone sounds pretty fantastic to me. Fantastic? What's fantastic about it? It's simple. When Mr. Stone tries out the sound system and contacts the boiler room, I pretend the water pipes have exploded and I'm practically drowning. And then Daddy hears you hollering, dashes down and rescues you, huh? Yeah, that's the idea. No, that could be a... Oh, Harriet, I just got a terrible thought. Well, Mr. Conklin in front of Mr. Stone seemed like an ideal way to get him his promotion, particularly if it occurred while he was demonstrating his new amplifying system. However, unknown to each other, Miss Brooks and Walter Denton happened to get the idea at the same time. So as Miss Brooks approached her principal's office that afternoon, she knew nothing of the mix-up. Oh, Miss Brooks, just a moment, please. Oh, I'm Mr. Conklin. I was just about to stop in your office on my way home. Can you hear all right now? I can hear all right, but my head feels like the inside of the Holland Tunnel at high noon. However, let's forget the boiler room caper, shall we? Now, listen, I have a favor to ask of you, a big favor. Mr. Stone is in my office at this very moment and I'm about to demonstrate my amplifying system to him. Oh, I wouldn't worry about getting that promotion anymore, sir. Accidents have a way of happening at the strangest time, making heroes of the strangest people. I have a feeling one may happen very soon. Well, Miss Brooks, how did you find out about the accident I'd planned? Have you planned an accident? And you will play a key role in it. What are you going to do? Push me off the roof? Oh, what a perfectly delightful... Oh, no, Miss Brooks, this accident again involves an open elevator shaft. If you look ten feet in front of you, the shaft is open. Oh, no, sir, not again. Don't ask me to do it again. My fingertips are all worn out. Now, listen, we've got to act quickly. I've made arrangements with our home economics teacher, Miss Miller, to cling from that open elevator shaft in exactly two minutes. At that time or before, you will come into my office screaming for help and I shall bound to the rescue. Oh, before you go, sir, we'd better synchronize our accident. You see, I have to... And don't worry about Miss Miller. Let's go. It's only a four-foot drop and I have several mattresses underneath to break her fork. But, sir, believe me, it won't be necessary to... Do as I say, Miss Brooks. Give me a moment or two with Mr. Stone and then go into your act. But, Mr. Conkless... This is quite an efficient-looking acoustical setup you've got here. Oh, thank you, Mr. Stone. Well, it's only natural for a principal whose only concern is his school to want to improve its operation. And as you know, sir, in all my years at this school, my one thought, my one aim, has been how I can become assistant super... How I can better conditions here at Madison. I'm well aware of that, all's good. But now I'd like to hear this amplifying system in operation. So, uh... Miss Conkless, Miss Conkless, come quickly. Something terrible has happened. Miss Miller has fallen down the elevator shaft. She's clinging to the ledge this very minute. What? All has fallen down the elevator shaft. Good heavens. Why, Miss Brooks, it happened to you only yesterday. Yes, sir. I must have ushered in the season. What are we standing around for? A human life is in peril. Clear, quick decisive action is called for. And if there's one thing about Osgood Conklin, he has never wanted to lose his head in emergencies and turn his head. Oh, I'm good. I think I'm safer. Oh, yes. Yes, but one thing. This is terrible, Miss Brooks. Simply terrible. I think we'd better contact someone to give Conklin a hand. But how could we contact anyone in time for him to do any good, sir? I could try using the amplifying system. I withdraw the question. Exactly. It's only a little after three. Some teachers must still be in their classrooms. Mr. Boynton usually stays late to work in his lab, doesn't he? Maybe he can lend a hand. Oh, no, sir. I've been trying to borrow one for years. Well, I'm certain he's gone home. Well, nevertheless, there's no harm in trying the biology lab. Now, where is that button? Oh, yes, here we are. Sounds like the deathbed scene from Camille. Mr. Boynton, will I do... The room is the closest place to the biology lab. I'll contact the school custodian. Oh, yes, here's the button. School calling for Osgood Conklin. Maybe Philip Morris is busy. I'm coming to add up, Miss Brooks. Well, maybe if you subtracted those last two accidents... Well, I saved Miss Miller. She almost pulled me down into the shaft with her, but I broke her deathhold on my ankle and pulled her up by the hair. But it was actually nothing. Nothing at all. I agree with you. Eh? You feel quite the hero, don't you, Conklin? Then suppose you get your rescue squad and save this poor soul. Probably going down for the mistaking you for a St. Bernard. Mr. Stone, I had no hand in all this. I'm an innocent man. Do we have any more accidents waiting for us, Conklin? I believe that's all we had on the calendar for today, sir. Why, innocent Mr. Stone, believe me, sir. Ah, here we have a button-marked roof. What little game are we playing up there, Conklin? Oh, nothing, sir. Absolutely nothing. That's for emergency air raid spotting. Well, we'll try it anyway, shall we? Continue to tolerate your occasional lapsism to complete idiocy. But one thing is certain. Neither you nor Jason Brill will be recommended for that promotion. Neither one of them? No, Miss Brooks. And don't try to tell me now that you didn't state that perils of Pauline Act yesterday, too. Mr. Stone, that's not true. I had a real accident and I earned every bruise of it. Yes, Miss Brooks. At this point, I don't know whether to believe anyone has had any real accidents or not. So, good day to both of you. At least Brill won't get the job. Directed by Ladoo Derman with the music of Ludbluston. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Other than tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, and Joseph Kearns.