 Part 3. The Awful Reason of the Vickers Visit The revolt of matter against man, which I believe to exist, has now been reduced to a singular condition. It is the small things rather than the large things which make war against us, and I may add, beat us. The bones of the last mammoth have long ago decayed a mighty wreck. The tempests no longer devour our navies, nor the mountains with hearts of fire heaped hell over our cities. But we are engaged in a bitter and eternal war with small things, chiefly with microbes and with collar studs. The stud with which I was engaged, on fierce and equal terms, as I made the above reflections, was one that I was trying to introduce into my shirt collar, when a loud knock came at the door. My first thought was as to whether Basil Grant had called to fetch me. He and I were to turn up at the same dinner-party, for which I was in the act of dressing, and it might be that he had taken it into his head to come my way, though we'd arranged to go separately. It was a small and confidential affair at the table of a good but unconventional political lady, an old friend of his. She had asked us both to meet a third guest, a captain Fraser, who had made something of a name, and was an authority on chimpanzees. As Basil was an old friend of the hostess, and I had never seen her, I felt that it was quite possible that he, with his usual social sagacity, might have decided to take me along in order to break the ice. The theory, like all my theories, was complete, but as a fact it was not Basil. I was handed a visiting card inscribed, Reverend Ellis Shorter, and underneath was written in pencil, but in a hand in which even Horry could not conceal a depressing and gentlemanly excellent, asking the favour of a few minutes' conversation on a most urgent matter. I had already subdued the stud, thereby proclaiming that the image of God has supremacy over all matters, a valuable truth, and throwing on my dress-coat and waistcoat hurried into the drawing-room. He rose at my entrance, flapping like a seal. I can use no other description. He flapped a played shawl over his right arm. He flapped a pair of pathetic black gloves. He flapped his clothes. I may say, without exaggeration, that he flapped his eyelids as he rose. He was a bald-browed, white-haired, white-whiskered old clergyman, of a flappy and floppy type. He said, I am so sorry. I am so very sorry. I am so extremely sorry. I come. I can only say. I can only say in my defence that I come upon an important matter. Pray forgive me. I told him I forgave perfectly and waited. What I have to say, he said brokenly, is so dreadful. It is so dreadful. I have lived a quiet life. I was burning to get away, for it was already doubtful if I should be in time for dinner, but there was something about the old man's honest air of bitterness that seemed to open to me the possibilities of life larger and more tragic than my own. I said gently, pray go on. Nevertheless, the old gentleman, being a gentleman as well as old, noticed my secret impatience and seemed still more unmanned. I am so sorry, he said meekly. I wouldn't have come, but for your friend, Major Brown, recommended me to come here. Major Brown, I said with some interest. Yes, said the reverend, Mr. Shorter, feverishly flapping his played shawl about. He told me you helped him in a great difficulty. And with my difficulty, oh, my dear sir, it is a matter of life and death. I rose abruptly in an acute perplexity. Will it take long, Mr. Shorter? I asked. I have to go out to dinner almost at once. He rose also, trembling from head to foot, and yet somehow, with all his moral palsy, he rose to the dignity of his age and office. I have no right, Mr. Swinburne. I have no right at all, he said. If you have to go out to dinner, you have, of course, a perfect right, of course, a perfect right. But when you come back, a man will be dead." And he sat down, quaking like a jelly. The triviality of the dinner had been in those two minutes dwarfed and drowned in my mind. I did not want to go and see a political widow and a captain who collected apes. I wanted to hear what had brought this dear, dodgering old vicar into relation with immediate perils. Will you have a cigar? I said. No, thank you, he said, with indescribable embarrassment, as if not smoking cigars was a social disgrace. A glass of wine, I said. No, thank you, no, thank you, not just now, he repeated, with that hysterical eagerness with which people who do not drink at all often try to convey that on any other night of the week they would sit up all night drinking rum-punch. Not just now, thank you. Nothing else I can get for you, I said, feeling genuinely sorry for the well-mannered old donkey. A cup of tea. I saw a struggle in his eye, and I conquered. When the cup of tea came, he drank it like a dipsomaniac, gulping brandy. Then he fell back and said, I have had such a time, Mr. Swinburne. I'm not used to these excitements, as vicar of chancee in Essex. He threw this in with an indescribable airness of vanity. I have never known such things happen. What things happen, I asked. He straightened himself with great dignity. As vicar of chancee in Essex, he said, I have never been forcibly dressed up as an old woman, and made to take part in a crime in the character of an old woman, never once. My experience may be small, it may be insufficient, but it has never occurred to me before. I have never heard of it, I said, as amongst the duties of a clergyman, but I'm not well up in church matters. Excuse me if perhaps I failed to follow you correctly, dressed up as what? As an old woman, said the vicar solemnly, as an old woman. I thought in my heart that it required no great transformation to make an old woman of him, but the thing was evidently more tragic than comic, and I said respectfully, may I ask how it occurred? I will begin at the beginning, said Mr. Shorter, and I will tell my story with the utmost possible precision. At seventeen minutes past eleven this morning, I left the vicarage to keep certain appointments and pay certain visits in the village. My first visit was to Mr. Jarvis, the treasurer of our League of Christian Amusements, with whom I concluded some business, touching the claim made by Parks, the gardener, in the matter of the rolling of our tennis lawn. I then visited Mrs. Arnett, a very earnest church woman, but permanently bedridden. She is the author of several small works of devotion and of a book of verse entitled, Unless My Memory Misleads Me, Egg Lantyne. He uttered all this not only with deliberation, but with something that can only be called, by a contradictory phrase, eager deliberation. He had, I think, a vague memory in his head of the detectives in the detective stories who always sternly required that nothing should be kept back. I then proceeded, he went on, with the same maddening conscientiousness of manner, to Mr. Carr, not Mr. James Carr, of course, Mr. Robert Carr, who is temporarily assisting our organist and having consulted with him on the subject of a choir boy who is accused, I cannot as yet say with a justly or not, of cutting holes in the organ pipes. I finally dropped in upon a Dorcas meeting at the house of Miss Brett. The Dorcas meetings are usually held at the vicarage, but my wife being unwell, Miss Brett, a newcomer in our village, but very active in church work, had very kindly consented to hold them. The Dorcas society is entirely under my wife's management as a rule, and except for Miss Brett, who, as I say, is very active, I scarcely know any members of it. I had, however, promised to drop in on them, and I did so. When I arrived, there were only four other maiden ladies with Miss Brett, and they were sewing very busily. It is very difficult, of course, for any person, however strongly impressed with the necessity in these matters of full and exact exposition of the facts, to remember and repeat the actual details of a conversation, particularly a conversation that, though inspired with a most worthy and admirable zeal for good work, was one which did not greatly impress the hearer's mind at the time, and was, in fact, mostly about socks. I can, however, remember distinctly that one of the spinster ladies, she was a thin person with a woollen shawl who appeared to feel the cold, and I am almost sure she was introduced to me as Miss James, remarked that the weather was very changeable. Miss Brett then offered me a cup of tea, which I accepted. I cannot recall in what words. Miss Brett is a short and stout lady with white hair. The only other figure in the group that caught my attention was a Miss Mowbray, a small and neat lady of aristocratic manners, silver hair, and a high voice and color. She was the most emphatic member of the party, and her views on the subject of pinnifalls, though expressed with a natural deference to myself, were in themselves strong and advanced. Beside her, although all five ladies were dressed simply in black, it could not be denied that the others looked in some way what you men of the world would call dowdy. After about ten minutes' conversation, I rose to go, and as I did so, I heard something that, I cannot describe it, something that seemed to, but I really cannot describe it. What did you hear, I asked with some impatience. I heard, said the vicar solemnly, I heard Miss Mowbray, the lady with the silver hair, say to Miss James, the lady with the woolen shawl, the following extraordinary words. I committed them to memory on the spot, and as soon as circumstances set me free to do so, I noted them down on a piece of paper. I believe I have it here." He fumbled in his breast pocket, bringing out mild things, notebooks, circulars, and programs of village concerts. I heard Miss Mowbray say to Miss James the following words, now's your time, Bill. He gazed at me for a few moments after making this announcement, gravely and unflinchingly, as if conscious that here he was unshaken about his facts. Then he resumed, turning his bald head more towards the fire. This appeared to me remarkable. I could not by any means understand it. It seemed to me, first of all, peculiar that one maid and lady should address another maid and lady as Bill. My experience, as I have said, may be incomplete. Maid and ladies may have among themselves and in exclusively spinster circles while the customs, and I am aware of, but it seemed to me odd, and I could almost have sworn if you will not misunderstand the phrase, I should have been strongly impelled to maintain at the time that the words now's your time, Bill, were by no means pronounced with that upper-class intonation, which, as I have already said, had up to now characterised Miss Mowbray's conversation. In fact, the words now's your time, Bill, would have been, I fancy, unsuitable if pronounced with that upper-class intonation. I was surprised, I repeat, then, at the remark, but I was still more surprised when, looking round me in bewilderment, my hat and umbrella in hand, I saw the lean lady with the woollen shawl leaning upright against the door out of which I was just about to make my exit. She was still knitting, and I supposed that this erect posture against the door was only an eccentricity of spinsterhood and an oblivion to my intended departure. I said genially, I am so sorry to disturb you, Miss James, but I really must be going. I have—er— I stopped here, for the words she had uttered in reply, though singularly brief and in tone extremely businesslike, were such as to render that arrest of my remarks, I think, natural and excusable. I have these words also noted down. I have not the least idea of their meaning, so I have only been able to render them phonetically. But she said—and Mr. Short appeared short-sightedly at his papers— she said, Chock it, fat-head! And she added something that sounded like it's a cop, or possibly a copte. And then the last cord, either of my sanity or the sanity of the universe, snapped suddenly my esteemed friend and helper, Miss Brett, standing by the mantelpiece, said, Put his old head in a bag, Sam, and tie him up before you start drawing. You'll be copped yourselves some of these days with this way of doing things, Ha La Theatre. My head went round and round. Was it really true, as I had suddenly fancied a moment before, that unmarried ladies had some dreadful riotous society of their own, from which all others were excluded? I remembered dimly in my classical days— I was a scholar in a small way once, but now, alas, rusty— I remembered the mysteries of the Bonadere, and their strange female Freemasonry. I remembered the witch's sabbaths. I was just in my absurd light-headedness trying to remember a line of verse about Diana's nymphs, when Miss Mowbray threw her arm round me from behind. The moment it held me, I knew it was not a woman's arm. Miss Brett—or what I had called Miss Brett— was standing in front of me with a big revolver in her hand, and a broad grin on her face. Miss James was still leaning against the door, but had fallen into an attitude so totally new, and so totally unfeminine, that it gave one a shock. She was kicking her heels, with her hands in her pockets, and her cap on one side. She was a man. I mean, he was a wh— No. That is, I saw that instead of being a woman, she— He, I mean— Oh! That is, it was a man! Mr. Shorter became indescribably florid and flapping, in endeavouring to arrange these genders and his played shawl at the same time. He resumed with a higher fever of nervousness. As for Miss Mowbray, she— He held me in a ring of iron. He had her arm—that is, she had his arm— around my neck. My neck, I mean, and I could not cry out. Miss Brett—that is, Mr. Brett— at least Mr. Something, who was not Miss Brett, had the revolver pointed at me. The other two ladies, or gentlemen, were rummaging in some bag in the background. It was all clear at last. They were criminals, dressed up as women, to kidnap me— to kidnap the vicar of Chauncey in Essex. But why was it to be non-conformists? The brute, leaning against the door, called out carelessly, Hurry up, Harry! Show the old bloke what the game is, and let's get off. Curse his eyes, said Miss Brett. I mean the man with the revolver. Why should we show him the game? If you take my advice, you bloom in well-will, said the man at the door, whom they called Bill, and man what knows what he's doing is worth ten what don't, even if he's a potty old parson. Bill's right enough, said the coarse voice of the man who held me. It had been Miss Mowbrae's. Bring out the picture, Harry. The man with the revolver walked across the room to where the other two women— I mean men— were turning over baggage, and asked them for something, which they gave him. He came back with it across the room and held it out in front of me, and compared to the surprise of that display, all the previous surprises of this awful day shrank suddenly. It was a portrait of myself. That such a picture should be in the hands of these scoundrels might in any case have caused a mild surprise, but no more. It was no mild surprise that I felt. The likeness was an extremely good one, work top with all the accessories of the conventional photographic studio. I was leaning my head on my hand, and was relieved against a painted landscape of woodland. It was obvious that it was no snapshot. It was clear that I had sat for this photograph, and the truth was that I had never sat for such a photograph. It was a photograph that I had never had taken. I stared at it again and again. It seemed to me to be touched up a good deal. It was glazed as well as framed, and the glass blurred some of the details, but there, unmistakably, was my face, my eyes, my nose and mouth, my head and hand, posed for a professional photographer, and I had never posed so for any photographer. Behold the blooming miracle, said the man with the revolver, with ill-timed facetiousness. Parson, prepare to meet your God, and with this he slid the glass out of the frame. As the glass moved I saw that part of the picture was painted on it in Chinese white, notably a pair of white whiskers and a clerical collar, and underneath was a portrait of an old lady, in a quiet black dress, leaning her head on her hand against the woodland landscape. The old lady was as like me as one pin is like another. It had required only the whiskers and the collar to make it me in every hair. Entertaining ain't it, said the man described as Ari, as he shot the glass back again. Remarkable resemblance, Parson, gratifying to the lady, gratifying to you, and Jaime had, particularly gratifying to us, as being the probable source of a very tolerable haul. You know Colonel Hawker, the man who's come to live in these parts, don't you? I nodded. Well, said the man Ari, pointing to the picture, that's his mother. Who ran to catch him when he fell? She did. And he flung his fingers in a general gesture towards the photograph of the old lady, who is exactly like me. Tell the old gent what he's got to do, and be done with it. Broke out Bill from the door. Look here, Reverend Shorter. We ain't going to do you no harm. We'll give you a sob for your trouble, if you like. And as for the old woman's clothes, why, you'll look lovely in them. You ain't much of a and at a description, Bill, said the man behind me. Mr. Shorter, it's like this. We've got to see this man Hawker tonight. Maybe he'll kiss us all and have up the champagne when he sees us. Maybe on the other hand, he won't. Maybe he'll be dead when we goes away. Maybe not. But we've got to see him. Now, as you know, he shuts himself up and never opens the door to a soul. Only you don't know why, and we does. The only one as can ever get at him is his mother. Well, it's a confounded funny coincidence, he said, accenting the penultimate. It's a very unusual piece of good luck, but you're his mother. When I first saw her picture, said the man, Bill, shaking his head in a ruminant manner, when I first saw it, I said, Old Shorter. Those were my exact words, Old Shorter. What do you mean, you wild creatures? I gasped. What am I to do? That's easy, said your oldness. Said the man with the revolver good-humidly. You've got to put on those clothes. And he pointed to a poke-bunnet, and a heap of female clothes in the corner of the room. I will not dwell, Mr. Swinburne, upon the details of what followed. I had no choice. I could not fight five men to say nothing of a loaded pistol. In five minutes, sir, the vicar of Chonzi was dressed as an old woman, as somebody else's mother, if you please, and was dragged out of the house to take part in a crime. It was already late in the afternoon, and the nights of winter were closing in fast. On a dark road, in a blowing wind, we set out towards the lonely house of Colonel Hawker, perhaps the queerest cortege that ever struggled up that or any other road. To every human eye, in every external, we were six very respectable old ladies of small means, in black dresses and refined but antiquated bonnets. And we were really five criminals and a clergyman. I will cut a long story short. My brain was whirling like a windmill as I walked, trying to think of some manner of escape. To cry out, so long as we were far from houses, would be suicidal, and it would be easy for the Ruffians to knife me or to gag me and fling me into a ditch. On the other hand, to attempt to stop strangers and explain the situation was impossible, because of the frantic folly of the situation itself. Long before I had persuaded the chance postman or carrier of so absurd a story, my companions would certainly have got off themselves, and in all probability would have carried me off as a friend of theirs who had the misfortune to be mad or drunk. The last thought, however, was an inspiration, though a very terrible one. Had it come to this, that the vicar of Chauncey must pretend to be mad or drunk, it had come to this. I walked along with the rest up the deserted road, imitating and keeping pace as far as I could with our rapid and yet ladylike step, until at length I saw a lamppost and a policeman standing under it. I had made up my mind. Until we reached them we were all equally demure and silent and swift. When we reached them I suddenly flung myself against the railings and wrought out, Hooray, Hooray, Hooray, rule Britannia, get your air-cut, Hoopla, boo! It was a condition of no little novelty for a man in my position. The constable instantly flashed his lantern on me, or the draggled, drunken old woman that was my travesty. Now then, mum, he began, gruffly, Come along, quiet, or I'll eat your heart, cried Sam in my ear, hoarsely, Stop or I'll flay you. It was frightful to hear the words and see the neatly shawled old spinster who whispered them. I yelled and yelled, I was in for it now. I screamed comic refrains that vulgar young men had sung to my regret at our village concerts. I rolled to and fro like a nine-pin about to fall. If you can't get your friend on quiet, ladies, said the policeman, I shall have to take her up. Drunken disorderly, she is right enough. I redoubled my efforts. I had not been brought up to this sort of thing, but I believe I eclipsed myself. Words that I did not know I had ever heard of seemed to come pouring out of my open mouth. When we get you past, whispered Bill, you'll howl louder, you'll howl louder when we're burning your feet off. I screamed in terror those awful songs of joy in all the nightmares that men have ever dreamed. There has never been anything so blighting and horrible as the faces of those five men looking out of their poke-bonnets, the figures of district visitors with the faces of devils. I cannot think there is anything so heartbreaking in hell. For a sickening instant I thought that the bustle of my companions and the perfect respectability of all our dresses would overcome the policeman and induce him to let us pass. He wavered, so far as one can describe anything so solid as a policeman as wavering. I lurched suddenly forward and ran my head into his chest, calling out, if I remember correctly, oh crikey, blimey, Bill! It was at that moment that I remembered most dearly that I was the vicar of Chauncey in Essex. My desperate coup saved me. The policeman had me hard by the back of the neck. You come along with me, he began, but Bill cut in with his perfect imitation of a lady's finnicking voice. Oh, pray, Constable, don't make a disturbance with our poor friend. We will get her quietly home. She does drink too much, but she is quite a lady, only eccentric. She butted me in the stomach, said the policeman briefly. Eccentricities of genius, said Sam earnestly. Pray, let me take her home, reiterated Bill, in the resumed character of Miss James, she wants looking after. She does, said the policeman, but I'll look after her. That's no good, cried Bill feverishly. She wants her friends. She wants a particular medicine we've got. Yes, assented Miss Mowbray with excitement. No other medicine, any good Constable, complaint quite unique. I'm all right. Coo-chee-coo-chee-coo, remarked to his eternal shame, the vicar of Chauncey. Look here, ladies, said the Constable sternly. I don't like the eccentricity of your friend, and I don't like her songs or her head in my stomach. And now I come to think of it. I don't like the looks of you. I've seen many as quiet dressed as you as was Ronghans. Who are you? We've not got our cards with us, said Miss Mowbray, with indescribable dignity, nor do we see why we should be insulted by any jack-in-office who chooses to be rude to ladies when he is paid to protect them. If you choose to take advantage of the weakness of our unfortunate friend, no doubt you are legally entitled to take her. But if you fancy you have any legal right to bully us, you will find yourself in the wrong box. The truth and dignity of this staggered the policeman for a moment. Under cover of their advantage my five persecutors turned for an instant on me faces like faces of the damned, and then swished off into the darkness. When the constable first turned his lantern and his suspicions on to them, I had seen the telegraphic look flash from face to face, saying that only retreat was possible now. By this time I was sinking slowly to the pavement, in a state of acute reflection. So long as the Ruffians were with me, I dared not quit the role of drunkard, for if I had begun to talk reasonably and explain the real case, the officer would merely have thought that I was slightly recovered and would have put me in charge of my friends. Now, however, if I liked I might safely undeceive him. But I confess I did not like. The chances of life are many, and it may doubtless sometimes lie in the narrow path of duty for a clergyman of the Church of England to pretend to be a drunken old woman. But such necessities are, I imagine, sufficiently rare to appear to many improbable. Suppose the story got about that I had pretended to be drunk. Suppose people did not at all think it was a pretense. I lurched up, the policeman half lifting me. I went along weakly and quietly for about a hundred yards. The officer evidently thought I was too sleepy and feeble to effect an escape, and so held me lightly and easily enough. Past one turning, two turnings, three turnings, four turnings, he trailed me with him, a limp and slow and reluctant figure. At the fourth turning I suddenly broke from his hand and tore down the street like a maddened stag. He was unprepared, he was heavy, and it was dark. I ran and ran and ran, and in five minutes running found I was gaining. In half an hour I was out in the fields under the holy and blessed stars, where I tore off my accursed shawl and bonnet, and buried them in clean earth. The old gentleman had finished his story and lent back in his chair. Both the matter and the manner of his narration had, as time went on, impressed me favourably. He was an old duffer and pedant, but behind these things he was a country-bred man and gentleman, and had showed courage and a sporting instinct in the hour of desperation. He had told his story with many quaint formalities of diction, but also with a very convincing realism. And now, I began, and now, said shorter, leaning forward again with something like servile energy, and now, Mr. Swinburne, what about that unhappy man, Hawker? I cannot tell what those men meant or how far what they said was real, but surely there is danger. I cannot go to the police for reasons that you perceive. Among other things they wouldn't believe me. But what is to be done? I took out my watch. It was already half-past twelve. My friend Basil Grant, I said, is the best man we can go to. He and I were to have gone to the same dinner to-night. But he will just have come back by now. Have you an objection to taking a cab? Not at all, he replied, rising politely, and gathered up his absurd-played shawl. A rattle in a handsome brought us underneath the somber pile of workman's flats in Lambeth, which Grant inhabited. A climb up a wearisome wooden staircase brought us to his garret. When I entered that wooden and scrappy interior, the white gleam of Basil's shirt-front, and the luster of his fur coat flung on the wooden settle, struck me as a contrast. He was drinking a glass of wine before retiring. I was right. He'd come back from the dinner party. He listened to the repetition of the story of the Reverend Ellis Shorter, with the genuine simplicity and respect which he never failed to exhibit in dealing with any human being. When it was over, he said simply, Do you know a man named Captain Fraser? I was so startled at this totally irrelevant reference to the worthy collector of chimpanzees with whom I ought to have dined that evening, that I glanced sharply at Grant. The result was that I did not look at Mr. Shorter. I only heard him answer in his most nervous tone. No. Basil, however, seemed to find something very curious about his answer, or his demeanour generally, for he kept his big blue eyes fixed on the old clergyman, and though the eyes were quite quiet, they stood out more and more from his head. You are quite sure, Mr. Shorter, he repeated, that you don't know Captain Fraser? Quite, answered the vicar, and I was certainly puzzled to find him returning so much to the timidity, not to say the demoralisation of his tone when he first entered my presence. Basil sprang smartly to his feet. Then our course is clear, he said. You have not even begun your investigation, my dear Mr. Shorter. The first thing for us to do is to go together to see Captain Fraser. When, asked the clergyman, stammering, now, said Basil, putting one arm in his fur coat. The old clergyman rose to his feet, quaking all over. I really do not think that is necessary, he said. Basil took his arm out of the fur coat, threw it over the chair again, and put his hands in his pockets. Oh, he said, with emphasis. Oh, you don't think it's necessary. Then, and he added the words with great clearness and deliberation, then, Mr. Ellis Shorter, I can only say that I would like to see you without your whiskers. And at these words I also rose to my feet, for the great tragedy of my life had come. Splendid and exciting as life was in continual contact with an intellect like Basil's, I had always the feeling that that splendour and excitement were at the borderland of sanity. He lived perpetually near the vision of the reason of things which makes men lose their reason. And I felt of his insanity as men feel of the death of friends with heart disease. It might come any time, in a field, in a handsome cab, looking at a sunset, smoking a cigarette. It had come now. At the very moment of delivering a judgement for the salvation of a fellow creature, Basil Grant had gone mad. Your whiskers, he cried, advancing with blazing eyes, give me your whiskers and your bald head. The old vicar naturally retreated a step or two. I stepped between. Sit down, Basil, I implored. You're a little excited. Finish your wine. Whiskers, he answered sternly. Whiskers! And with that he made a dash at the old gentleman, who made a dash for the door, but was intercepted. And then, before I knew where I was, the quiet room was turned into something between a pantomime and a pandemonium by those two. Chairs were flung over with a crash. Tables were vaulted with a noise like thunder. Screens were smashed, crockery scattered in smithereens, and still Basil Grant bounded and bellowed after the Reverend Ellis Shorter. And now I began to perceive something else, which added the last half-witted touch to my mystification. The Reverend Ellis Shorter, of Chuntsy in Essex, was by no means behaving as I had previously noticed him to behave. Or as, considering his age and station, I should have expected him to behave. His power of dodging, leaping, and fighting would have been amazing in a lad of seventeen, and in this doddering old vicar looked like a sort of farcical fairytale. Moreover, he did not seem to be so much astonished as I had thought. There was even a look of something like enjoyment in his eyes. So there was in the eye of Basil. In fact, the unintelligible truth must be told, they were both laughing. At length, Shorter was cornered. Come, come, Mr. Grant, he panted. You can't do anything to me. It's quite legal, and it doesn't do any one the least harm. It's only a social fiction, a result of our complex society, Mr. Grant. I don't blame you, my man, said Basil, coolly. But I want your whiskers and your bald head. Do they belong to Captain Fraser? No, no, said Mr. Shorter, laughing. We provide them ourselves. They don't belong to Captain Fraser. What the deuce does all this mean, I almost screamed. Are you all in an infernal nightmare? Why should Mr. Shorter's bald head belong to Captain Fraser? How could it? What the deuce has Captain Fraser to do with the affair? What is the matter with him? You dined with him, Basil. No, said Grant. I didn't. Didn't you go to Mrs. Thornton's dinner party, I asked, staring? Why not? Well, said Basil, with a slow and singular smile, the fact is I was detained by a visitor. I have him, as a point of fact, in my bedroom. In your bedroom, I repeated, but my imagination had reached that point when he might have said in his call scuttle or his waistcoat pocket. Grant stepped to the door of an inner room, flung it open, and walked in. Then he came out again, with the last of the bodily wonders of that wild night. He introduced into the sitting-room, in an apologetic manner, and by the nape of the neck, a limp clergyman with a bald head, white whiskers, and a played shawl. Sit down, gentlemen, said Grant, striking his hands heartily. Sit down, all of you, and have a glass of wine. As you say, there is no harm in it, and if Captain Fraser had simply dropped me a hint, I could have saved him from dropping a good sum of money. Not that you would have liked that, eh? The two duplicate clergymen, who were sipping their burgundy with two duplicate grins, laughed heartily at this, and one of them carelessly pulled off his whiskers and laid them on the table. Basil, I said, if you are my friend, save me. What is all this? He laughed again. Only another addition, cherub, to your collection of queer trades. These two gentlemen, whose health I have now the pleasure of drinking, are professional detainers. And what on earth is that? I asked. It's really very simple, Mr Swinburne. Began he who had once been the reverend Ellis Shorter of Chuncey and Essex, and it gave me a shock indescribable to hear out of that pompous and familiar form come no longer its own pompous and familiar voice, but the brisk, sharp tones of a young city man. It's really nothing very important. We're paid by our clients to detain in conversation on some harmless pretext people whom they want out of the way for a few hours. And Captain Fraser, and with that he hesitated and smiled. Basil smiled also. He intervened. The fact is that Captain Fraser, who is one of my best friends, wanted us both out of the way very much. He is sailing to-night for East Africa, and the lady with whom we were all to have dinner is, what I believe, described as the romance of his life. He wanted the two hours with her, and employed these two reverend gentlemen to detain us at our houses, so as to let him have the field to himself. And of course, said the late Mr Shorter apologetically to me, as I had to keep a gentleman at home from keeping an appointment with a lady, I had to come up with something rather hot and strong, rather urgent. It wouldn't have done to be tame. Oh, I said, I acquit you of tameness. Thank you, sir, said the young man respectfully, always very grateful for any recommendation, sir. The other man idly pushed back his artificial bald head, revealing close red hair, and spoke dreamily, perhaps under the influence of Basil's admirable burgundy. It's wonderful how common it's getting, gentlemen. Our office is busy from morning till night. I've no doubt you've often knocked up against us before. You must take notice. When an old bachelor goes on boring you with hunting stories, when you're burning to be introduced to someone, he's from our bureau. When a lady calls on parish work and stops hours just when you wanted to go to the Robinson's, she's from our bureau. The Robinson hands her, maybe darkly seen. There's one thing I don't understand, I said. Why are you both vickers? A shade crossed the brow of the temporary incumbent of Chansey Essex. That may have been a mistake, sir, he said, but it was not our fault. It was all the munificence of Captain Fraser. He requested that the highest price and talent on our tariff should be employed to detain you, gentlemen. Now the highest payment in our office goes to those who impersonate vickers, as being the most respectable and more of a strain, where paid five guineas a visit. We've had the good fortune to satisfy the firm with our work, and we are now permanently vickers. Before that we had two years as kernels, the next in our scale. Kernels are four guineas. End of The Awful Reason of the Vickers Visit Part Four of The Club of Queer Trades This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Club of Queer Trades by G.K. Chesterton Part Four The Singular Speculation of the House Agent Lieutenant Drummond Keith was a man about whom conversation always burst like a thunderstorm the moment he left the room. This arose from many separate touches about him. He was a light, loose person who wore light, loose clothes, generally white, as if he were in the tropics. He was lean and graceful, like a panther, and he had restless black eyes. He was very impercunious. He had one of the habits of the poor, in a degree so exaggerated as immeasurably to eclipse the most miserable of the unemployed. I mean the habit of continual change of lodgings. There are inland tracks of London, where, in the very heart of artificial civilization, humanity has almost become nomadic once more. But in that restless interior, there was no ragged tramp so restless as the elegant officer in the loose white clothes. He had shot a great many things in his time, to judge from his conversation, from partridges to elephants, but his slangier acquaintances were of opinion that the moon had been not infrequently amid the victims of his victorious rifle. The phrase is a fine one, and suggests a mystic, elvish, nocturnal hunting. He carried from house to house, and from parish to parish, a kit which consisted practically of five articles, two odd-looking, large-bladed spears tied together, the weapons, I suppose, of some savage tribe, a green umbrella, a huge and tattered copy of the Pickwick papers, a big game-rifle, and a large sealed jar of some unholy oriental wine. These always went into every new lodging, even for one night, and they went in quite undisguised, tied up in wisps of string or straw, to the delight of the poetic gutter boys in the little grey straits. I had forgotten to mention that he always carried also his old regimental sword, but this raised another odd question about him. Slim and active as he was, he was no longer very young. His hair indeed was quite grey, though his rather wild, almost Italian moustache retained its blackness, and his face was care-worn under its almost Italian gaiety. To find a middle-aged man who has left the army at the primitive rank of lieutenant is unusual and not necessarily encouraging. With the more cautious and solid, this fact, like his endless flitting, did the mysterious gentleman no good. Lastly, he was a man who told the kind of adventures which win a man admiration, but no respect. They came out of queer places, where a good man would scarcely find himself, out of opium dens and gambling hells. They had the heat of the thieves' kitchens, or smelled of a strange smoke from cannibal incantations. These are the kind of stories which discredit a person almost equally, whether they are believed or no. If Keith's tales were false, he was a liar. If they were true, he had had, at any rate, every opportunity of being a scamp. He had just left the room in which I sat with Basil Grant and his brother Rupert, the voluble amateur detective, and as I say was invariably the case, we were all talking about him. Rupert Grant was a clever young fellow, but he had that tendency that youth and cleverness, when sharply combined, so often produce a somewhat extravagant skepticism. He saw doubt and guilt everywhere, and it was meat and drink to him. I had often got irritated with this boyish incredulity of his, but on this particular occasion I am bound to say that I thought him so obviously right that I was astonished at Basil's opposing him, however banteringly. I could swallow a good deal, being naturally of a simple turn, but I could not swallow Lieutenant Keith's autobiography. You don't seriously mean, Basil, I said, that you think that that fellow really did go as a stowaway with Nansen, and pretend to be the mad muller, and he has one fault, said Basil thoughtfully, or virtue, as you may happen to regard it. He tells the truth in two exact and bald a style. He is too veracious. Oh, if you're going to be paradoxical, said Rupert contemptuously, be a bit funnier than that. Say, for instance, that he has lived all his life in one ancestral manner. No, he's extremely fond of change of scene, replied Basil dispassionately, and of living in odd places. That doesn't prevent his chief trait being verbal exactitude. What you people don't understand is that telling a thing crudely and coarsely, as it happened, makes it sound frightfully strange. The sort of things Keith recounts are not the sort of things that a man would make up to cover himself with honour. They are too absurd. But they are the sort of things that a man would do if he were sufficiently filled with the soul of sky-larking. So far from paradox, said his brother, with something rather like a sneer, you seem to be going in for journalese proverbs. Do you believe that truth is stranger than fiction? Truth must of necessity be stranger than fiction, said Basil placidly. For fiction is the creation of the human mind, and therefore is congenial to it. Well, your lieutenant's truth is stranger, if it is truth, than anything I've ever heard of, said Rupert, relapsing into flippancy. Do you, on your soul, believe in all that about the shark and the camera? I believe Keith's words, answered the other. He is an honest man. I should like to question a regiment of his landlady's, said Rupert cynically. I must say I think you can hardly regard him as unimpeachable merely in himself, I said mildly, his mode of life. Before I could complete this sentence, the door was flung open, and Drummond Keith appeared again on the threshold, his white panamire on his head. I say, Grant, he said, knocking off his cigarette ash against the door. I've got no money in the world till next April. Could you lend me a hundred pounds? There's a good chap. Rupert and I looked at each other in an ironical silence. Basil, who was sitting by his desk, swung the chair idly round on its screw, and picked up a quill-pen. Shall I cross it? he asked, opening a check-book. Really began Rupert with a rather nervous loudness. Since Lieutenant Keith has seen fit to make this suggestion to Basil before his family, I—here you are, ugly, said Basil, fluttering a check in the direction of the quite nonchalant officer. Are you in a hurry? Yes, replied Keith, in a rather abrupt way. As a matter of fact, I want it now. I want to see my, uh, businessman. Rupert was eyeing him sarcastically, and I could see that it was on the tip of his tongue to say inquiringly, Receiver of stolen goods, perhaps. What he did say was, a businessman. That's rather a good description, Lieutenant Keith. Keith looked at him sharply, and then said, with something rather like ill temper, he's a thingamabob, a house-agent, say, I'm going to see him. Oh, you're going to see a house-agent, are you, said Rupert Grant Grimley. Do you know, Mr. Keith, I think I should very much like to go with you. Basil shook with soundless laughter. Lieutenant Keith started a little, his brow blackened sharply. I beg your pardon, he said. What did you say? Rupert's face had been growing from stage to stage of ferocious irony, and he answered, I was saying that I wondered whether you would mind our strolling along with you to this house-agents. The visitor swung his stick with a sudden whirling violence. Oh, in God's name, come to my house-agents, come to my bedroom, look under my bed, examine my dustbin, come along, and with a furious energy that took away our breath, he banged his way out of the room. Rupert Grant, his restless blue eyes dancing with his detective excitement, soon shouldered alongside him, talking to him with that transparent camaraderie that he imagined to be appropriate from the disguised policeman to the disguised criminal. His interpretation was certainly corroborated by one particular detail, the unmistakable unrest, annoyance, and nervousness of the man with whom he walked. Basil and I tramped behind, and it was not necessary for us to tell each other that we had both noticed this. Lieutenant Drummond Keith led us through very extraordinary and unpromising neighbourhoods in the search for his remarkable house-agent. Neither of the brother's grants failed to notice this fact, as the streets grew closer and more crooked, and the roofs lower and the gutters grosser with mud. A darker curiosity deepened on the brows of Basil, and a figure of Rupert, seen from behind, seemed to fill the street with a gigantic swagger of success. At length, at the end of the fourth or fifth lean grey street in that sterile district, we came suddenly to a halt, the mysterious lieutenant looking once more about him with a sort of sulky desperation. Above a row of shutters and a door, all indescribably dingy in appearance, and in size scarce sufficient even for a penny toy-shop, ran the inscription, P. Monmorency, house-agent. This is the office of which I spoke, said Keith, in a cutting voice. Will you wait here a moment, or does your astonishing tenderness about my welfare lead you to wish to overhear everything I have to say to my business adviser? Rupert's face was white and shaking with excitement. Nothing on earth would have induced him now to have abandoned his prey. If you'll excuse me, he said, clenching his hands behind his back, I think I should feel myself justified in— Oh, come along in, exploded the lieutenant. He made the same gesture of savage surrender, and he slammed into the office, the rest of us, at his heels. P. Monmorency, house-agent, was a solitary old gentleman sitting behind a bare brown counter. He had an egg-like head, frog-like jaws, and a grey hair-refringe of Oriole around the lower part of his face, the hole combined with a reddish aquiline nose. He wore a shabby black frock-coat, a sort of semi-clerical tie worn at a very unclerical angle, and looked, generally speaking, about as unlike a house-agent as anything could look, short of something like a sandwich-man or a scotch-highlander. We stood inside the room for fully forty seconds, and the odd old gentleman did not look at us. Neither, to tell the truth, odd as he was, did we look at him. Our eyes were fixed, where his were fixed, upon something that was crawling about on the counter in front of him. It was a ferret. The silence was broken by Rupert Grant. He spoke in that sweet and steely voice which he reserved for great occasions, and practiced for hours together in his bedroom. He said, Mr. Monmorency, I think. The old gentleman started, lifted his eyes with a bland bewilderment, picked up the ferret by the neck, stuffed it alive into his trousers' pocket, smiled apologetically and said, Sir, you are a house-agent, are you not? said Rupert. To the delight of that criminal investigator, Mr. Monmorency's eyes wandered unquietly towards Lieutenant Keith, the only man present that he knew. A house-agent, cried Rupert again, bringing out the word as if it were burglar. Yes, oh yes, said the man, with a quavering and almost coquettish smile, I am a house-agent. Yes, oh yes. Well, I think, said Rupert, with a sardonic sleekness, that Lieutenant Keith wants to speak to you. We have come in by his request. Lieutenant Keith was lowering gloomily, and now he spoke. I have come, Mr. Monmorency, about that house of mine. Yes, Sir, said Mr. Monmorency, it's spreading his fingers on the flat counter. It's all ready, Sir. I have attended to all your suggestions about the— Right! cried Keith, cutting the word short, with the startling neatness of a gunshot. We needn't bother about all that. If you've done what I told you, all right. And he turned sharply towards the door. Mr. Monmorency, house-agent, presented a picture of pathos. After stammering a moment, he said, Excuse me, Mr. Keith, there was another matter about which I wasn't quite sure. I tried to get all the heating apparatus possible under the circumstances, but in winter, at that elevation— We can't expect much, eh? said the Lieutenant, cutting in with the same sudden skill. No, of course not. That's all right, Monmorency. There can't be any more difficulties, and he put his hand on the handle of the door. I think, said Rupert Grant, with a satanic suavity, that Mr. Monmorency has something further to say to you, Lieutenant. Only, said the house-agent, in desperation, what about the birds? I beg your pardon, said Rupert, in a general blank. What about the birds? said the house-agent, doggedly. Basil, who had remained throughout the proceedings in a state of Napoleonic calm, which might be more accurately described as a state of Napoleonic stupidity, suddenly lifted his Leonine head. Before you go, Lieutenant Keith, he said, Come now, really, what about the birds? I'll take care of them, said Lieutenant Keith, still with his long back turned to us. They shan't suffer. Thank you, sir. Thank you, cried the incomprehensible house-agent, with an air of ecstasy. You'll excuse my concern, sir. You know I'm wild on wild birds. I'm as wild as any of them on that. Thank you, sir. But there's another thing. The lieutenant, with his back turned to us, exploded with an indescribable laugh, and swung round to faces. It was a laugh the purport of which was direct and essential, and yet which one cannot exactly express. As near as it said anything, verbally speaking, it said, Well, if you must spoil it, you must, but you don't know what you're spoiling. There is another thing, continued Mr. Montmorency weekly. Of course, if you don't want to be visited, you'll paint the house green. But green, shouted Keith, green, let it be green or nothing. I won't have a house of another colour, green. And before we could realise anything, the door had banged between us and the street. Rupert Grant seemed to take a little time to collect himself, but he spoke before the echoes of the door died away. Your client, Lieutenant Keith, appears somewhat excited, he said. What is the matter with him? Is he unwell? Oh, I should think not, said Mr. Montmorency, in some confusion. The negotiations have been somewhat difficult. The house is rather green, said Rupert calmly. That appears to be a very important point. It must be rather green. May I ask you, Mr. Montmorency, before I rejoin my companion outside, whether in your business it is usual to ask for houses by their colour? Do clients write to a house agent asking for a pink house or a blue house, or to take another instance for a green house? Only, said Montmorency trembling, only to be inconspicuous. Rupert had his ruthless smile. Can you tell me any place on earth in which a green house would be inconspicuous? The house agent was fidgeting nervously in his pocket, slowly drawing out a couple of lizards and leaving them to run on the counter. He said, No, I can't. You can't suggest an explanation? No, said Montmorency, rising slowly and yet in such a way as to suggest a sudden situation, I can't. And may I, as a busy man, be excused, if I ask you, gentlemen, if you have any demand to make on me in connection with my business? What kind of house would you desire me to get for you, sir? He opened his blank blue eyes on Rupert, who seemed for the second staggered. Then he recovered himself with perfect common sense and answered, I'm sorry, Mr. Montmorency, the fascination of your remarks has unduly delayed us from joining our friend outside, pre-excused by apparent impertinent. Not at all, sir, said the house agent, taking a South American spider, idly from his waistcoat pocket and letting it climb up the slope of his desk. Not at all, sir, I hope you will favour me again. Rupert Grant dashed out of the office in a gust of anger, anxious to face Lieutenant Keith. He was gone. The dull, starlit street was deserted. What do you say now? cried Rupert to his brother. His brother said nothing now. We all three strode down the street in silence. Rupert feverish, myself dazed. Basil, to all appearance, merely dull. We walked through grey street after grey street, turning corners, traversing squares, scarcely meeting any one, except occasional drunken knots of two or three. In one small street, however, the knots of two or three began abruptly to thicken into knots of five or six, and then into great groups, and then into a crowd. The crowd was stirring very slightly, but any one with the knowledge of the eternal populace knows that if the outside rim of a crowd stirs ever so slightly, it means that there is madness in the heart and core of the mob. It soon became evident that something really important had happened in the centre of this excitement. We wormed our way to the front, with the cunning which is known only to Cogniz, and once there we soon learned the nature of the difficulty. There had been a brawl concerned with some six men, and one of them lay almost dead on the stones of the street. Of the other four, all interesting matters were, as far as we were concerned, swallowed up in one stupendous fact. One of the four survivors of the brutal and perhaps fatal scuffle was the immaculate Lieutenant Keith. His clothes torn to ribbons, his eyes blazing, blood on his knuckles. One other thing, however, pointed at him in a worse manner. A short sword, or very long knife, had been drawn out of his elegant walking stick, and lay in front of him upon the stones. It did not, however, appear to be bloody. The police had already pushed into the centre with their ponderous omnipotence, and even as they did so, Rupert Grant sprang forward with his uncontrollable and intolerable secret. That is the man constable, he shouted, pointing at the battered Lieutenant. He is a suspicious character. He did the murder. There's been no murder done, sir, said the policeman, with his automatic civility. The poor man's only hurt. I shall only be able to take the names and addresses of the men in the scuffle, and have a good eye kept on them. Have a good eye kept on that one, said Rupert, pale to the lips and pointing to the ragged Keith. All right, sir, said the policeman, unemotionally, and went the round of the people present, collecting the addresses. When he'd completed his task, the dusk had fallen, and most of the people not immediately connected with the examination had gone away. He still found, however, one eager-faced stranger, lingering on the outskirts of the affair. It was Rupert Grant. Constable, he said, I have a very particular reason for asking you a question. Would you mind telling me whether that military fellow who dropped his sword-stick in the row gave you an address or not? Yes, sir, said the policeman, after a reflective pause. Yes, he gave me his address. My name is Rupert Grant, said that individual with some pomp. I have assisted the police on more than one occasion. I wonder whether you would tell me, as a special favour, what address? The Constable looked at him. Yes, he said slowly, if you'd like. His address is The Elms, Buxton Common, near Pearly. Sorry. Thank you, said Rupert, and ran home through the gathering night, as fast as his legs could carry him, repeating the address to himself. Rupert Grant generally came down late in a rather lordly way to breakfast. He contrived, I don't know how, to achieve always the attitude of the indulged younger brother. Next morning, however, when Basil and I came down, we found him ready and restless. Well, he said sharply to his brother, almost before we sat down to the meal, What do you think of your drum and Keith now? What do I think of him? inquired Basil slowly. I don't think anything of him. I am glad to hear it, said Rupert, buttering his toast with an energy that was somewhat exultant. I thought you'd come round to my view, and I own I was startled that you're not seeing it from the beginning. The man is a translucent liar and naive. I think, said Basil, in the same heavy monotone as before, that I did not make myself clear. When I said that I thought nothing of him, I meant grammatically what I said. I meant that I did not think about him, that he did not occupy my mind. You, however, seem to me to think a lot of him, since you think him a naive. I should say he was glaringly good myself. I sometimes think you talk paradox for its own sakes, said Rupert, breaking an egg with unnecessary sharpness. What the deuce is the sense of it? Here's a man whose original position was, by our common agreement, dubious. He's a wanderer, a teller of tall tales, a man who doesn't conceal his acquaintance with all the blackest and bloodiest scenes on earth. We take the trouble to follow him to one of his appointments, and if ever two human beings were plotting together and lying to everyone else, he and that impossible house agent were doing it. We followed him home, and the very same night he is in the thick of a fatal or nearly fatal brawl, in which he is the only man armed. Really, if this is being glaringly good, I must confess that the glare does not dazzle me. Basil was quite unmoved. I admit his moral goodness is of a certain kind, a quaint, perhaps a casual kind. He is very fond of change and experiment, but all the points you so ingeniously make against him are mere coincidence or special pleading. It's true he didn't want to talk about his house business in front of us. No man would. It's true that he carries a sword-stick. Any man might. It's true he drew it in the shock of a street-fight. Any man would. But there's nothing really dubious in all this. There's nothing to confirm, as he spoke and not came at the door. If you please, sir, said the landlady with an alarmed air, there's a policeman wants to see you. Show him in, said Basil, amid the blank silence. The heavy, handsome constable, who appeared at the door, spoke almost as soon as he appeared there. I think one of you gentlemen, he said, curtly but respectfully, was present at the affair in Copper Street last night, and drew my attention very strongly to a particular man. Rupert half rose from his chair with eyes like diamonds, but the constable went on calmly, referring to a paper. A young man with grey hair, had light grey clothes, very good, but torn in the struggle, gave his name as Drummond Keith. This is amusing, said Basil, laughing. I was in the very act of clearing that poor officer's character of rather fanciful aspersions. What about him? Well, sir, said the constable. I took all the men's addresses and had them all watched. It wasn't serious enough to do more than that. All the other addresses are all right, but this man Keith gave a false address. The place doesn't exist. The breakfast-table was nearly flung over as Rupert sprang up, slapping both his thighs. Well, by all that's good, he cried, this is a sign from heaven. It's certainly very extraordinary, said Basil quietly, with knitted brows. It's odd the fellow should have given a false address, considering he was perfectly innocent in the— Oh, you jolly old early Christian duffer, cried Rupert in a sort of rapture. I don't wonder you couldn't be a judge. You think everyone as good as yourself. Isn't the thing plain enough now? A doubtful acquaintance, rowdy stories, a most suspicious conversation, mean streets, a concealed knife, a man nearly killed, and finally a false address. That's what we call glaring goodness. It's certainly very extraordinary, repeated Basil, and he strolled moodily about the room. Then he said, You are quite sure, Constable, that there's no mistake. You got the address right, and the police have really gone to it, and found it was a fraud. It was very simple, sir, said the policeman, chockling. The place he named was a well-known common, quite near London, and our people were down there this morning before any of you were awake. And there's no such house. In fact, there are hardly any houses at all, though it is so near London it's a blank moor with hardly five trees on it to say nothing of Christians. Oh, no, sir, the address was a fraud right enough. He was a clever rascal, and chose one of those scraps of lost England that people know nothing about. Nobody could say offhand that there was not a particular house dropped somewhere about the heath. But as a fact there isn't. Basil's face during this sensible speech had been growing darker and darker, with a sort of desperate sagacity. He was cornered almost for the first time since I'd known him, and to tell the truth I rather wondered at the almost childish obstinacy which kept him so close to his original prejudice in favour of the wildly questionable lieutenant. At length, he said, You really searched the common, and the address was really not known in the district. By the way, what was the address? The constable selected one of his slips of paper, and consulted it. But before he could speak, Rupert Grant, who was leaning in the window in a perfect posture of the quiet and triumphant detective, struck in with the sharp and suave voice he loved so much to use. Why, I can tell you that, Basil, he said graciously as he idly plucked leaves from a plant in the window, I took the precaution to get this man's address from the constable last night. And what was it? asked his brother gruffly. The constable will correct me if I'm wrong, said Rupert, looking sweetly at the ceiling. It was the Elms, Buxton Common, near Pearly, Surrey. Right, sir, said the policeman, laughing and folding up his papers. There was a silence, and the blue eyes of Basil looked blindly for a few seconds into the void. Then his head fell back in his chair so suddenly that I started up thinking him ill. But before I could move further his lips had flown apart, I can use no other phrase, and a peel of gigantic laughter struck and shook the ceiling, laughter that shook the laughter, laughter that redoubled, laughter incurable, laughter that could not stop. Two whole minutes afterwards it was still unended. Basil was ill with laughter, but still he laughed. The rest of us were by this time ill almost with terror. Excuse me, he said, the insane creature getting at last to his feet. I'm awfully sorry it's horribly rude and stupid too, and also unpractical, because we have not much time to lose if we're to get down to that place. The train service is confoundably bad, as I happen to know. It's quite out of proportion to the comparatively small distance. Get down to that place, I repeated blankly. Get down to what place? Oh, I've forgotten its name, said Basil vaguely, putting his hands in his pockets as he rose. Something common near Pearly. Has anyone got a timetable? You don't seriously mean, cried Rupert, who'd been staring in a sort of confusion of emotions. You don't mean that you want to go to Buxton Common, do you? You can't mean that. Why shouldn't I go to Buxton Common? asked Basil, smilingly. Why should you, asked his brother, catching hold again restlessly of the plant in the window and staring at the speaker? To find our friend, the Lieutenant, of course, said Basil Grant. I thought you wanted to find him. Rupert broke a branch brutally from the plant and flung it impatiently on the floor. And in order to find him, he said, you suggest the admirable expedient of going to the only place on the habitable earth where we know he can't be. The Constable and I could not avoid breaking into a kind of ascending laugh and Rupert, who had family eloquence, was encouraged to go on with a reiterated gesture. He may be in Buckingham Palace. He may be sitting astride the cross of St. Paul's. He may be in jail, which I think most likely. He may be in the Great Wheel. He may be in my pantry. He may be in your store cupboard. But out of all the innumerable points of space, there is only one where he has just been systematically looked for and where we know that he is not to be found and that, if I understand you rightly, is where you want us to go. Exactly, said Basil calmly, getting into his great coat. I thought you might care to accompany me. If not, of course, make yourselves jolly here till I come back. It is our nature, always, to follow vanishing things and value them if they really show a resolution to depart. We all followed Basil, and I cannot say why, except that he was a vanishing thing, and that he vanished decisively with his great coat and his stick. Rupert ran after him with a considerable flurry of rationality. My dear chap, he cried, do you really mean that you see any good in going down to this ridiculous scrub, where there is nothing but beaten tracks and a few twisted trees, simply because it was the first place that came into a rowdy left tenant's head when he wanted to give a lying reference in a scrape. Yes, said Basil, taking out his watch, and what's worse, we've lost the train. He paused a moment and then added, as a matter of fact, I think we may just as well go down later in the day. I have some writing to do, and I think you told me, Rupert, that you thought of going to the Dulwich Gallery. I was rather too impetuous. Very likely he wouldn't be in. But if we get down by the five-fifteen, which gets to Pearly about six, I expect we shall just catch him. Catch him, cried his brother, in a kind of final anger. I wish we could. Where the deuce shall we catch him now? I keep forgetting the name of the common, said Basil, as he bottomed up his coat. The Elms? What was it? Buxton Common, near Pearly. That's where we shall find him. But there is no such place, groaned Rupert. But he followed his brother downstairs. We all followed him. We snatched our hats from the hat stand, and our sticks from the umbrella stand. And why we followed him? We did not, and do not know. But we always followed him. Whatever was the meaning of the fact, whatever was the nature of his mastery. And a strange thing, was that we followed him the more completely, the more nonsensical appeared the thing which he said. At bottom, I believe, if he had risen from our breakfast table and said, I'm going to find the holy pig with ten tails, we should have followed him to the end of the world. I don't know whether this mystical feeling of mine about Basil on this occasion has got any of the dark and cloudy colour, so to speak, of the strange journey that we made the same evening. It was already very dense twilight, when we struck southward from pearly. Suburbs and things on the London border may be, in most cases, commonplace and comfortable. But if ever by any chance they really are empty solitudes, they are to the human spirit more desolate and dehumanised than any Yorkshire moors or Highland Hills, because the suddenness with which the traveller drops into that silence has something about it as of evil elf-land. It seems to be one of the ragged suburbs of the cosmos, half forgotten by God. Such a place was boxed in common, near pearly. There was certainly a sort of grey futility in the landscape itself, but it was enormously increased by the sense of grey futility in our expedition. The tracts of grey turf looked useless, the occasional wind-stricken trees looked useless, but we, the human beings, more useless than the hopeless turf or the idle trees. We were maniacs akin to the foolish landscape, for we were come to chase the wild goose that has led men and left men in bogs from the beginning. We were three dazed men under the captaincy of a madman, going to look for a man whom we knew was not there, in a house that had no existence. A livid sunset seemed to look at us with a sort of sickly smile before it died. Basil went on in front with his coat collar turned up, looking in the gloom rather like a grotesque Napoleon. We crossed swell after swell of the windy common, in increasing darkness and entire silence. Suddenly Basil stopped and turned to us, his hands in his pockets. Through the dark I could just detect that he wore a broad grin as of comfortable success. Well, he cried, taking his heavily gloved hands out of his pockets and slapping them together, here we are at last. The wind swirled sadly over the homeless heath, two desolate elms rocked above us in the sky, like shapeless clouds of grey. There was not a sign of man or beast to the sullen circle of the horizon, and in the midst of that wilderness Basil Grant stood rubbing his hands with the air of an innkeeper, standing at an open door. How jolly it is, he cried, to get back to civilization. That notion that civilization isn't poetical is a civilized delusion. Wait till you've really lost yourself in nature, among the devilish woodlands and the cruel flowers. Then you'll know that there's no star like the red star of man that he lights on his hearthstone, no river like the red river of man, the good red wine, which you, Rupert Grant, if I have any knowledge of you, will be drinking in two or three minutes in enormous quantities. Rupert and I exchanged glances of fear. Basil went on heartily as the wind died in the dreary trees. You'll find our host a much more simple kind of fellow in his own house. I did when I visited him, when he lived in the cabinet Yarmouth, and again in the loft at the city warehouse. He's really a very good fellow, but his greatest virtue remains what I said originally. What do you mean, I asked, finding his speech strained towards a sort of sanity. What is his greatest virtue? His greatest virtue, replied Basil, is that he always tells the literal truth. Well, really, cried Rupert, stamping about between cold and anger, and slapping himself like a cabman, he doesn't seem to have been very literal or truthful in this case, nor you either. Why, the deuce, may I ask, have you brought us out to this infernal place? He was too truthful, I confess, said Basil, leaning against the tree, too hardly voracious, too severely accurate. He should have indulged in a little more suggestiveness and legitimate romance. But come, it's time we went in. We shall be late for dinner. Rupert whispered to me with a white face. Is it a hallucination, do you think? Does he really fancy he sees a house? I suppose so, I said. Then I added aloud in what was meant to be a cheery and sensible voice, but which seemed in my ears almost as strange as the wind. Come, come, Basil, my dear fellow, where do you want us to go? Why, up here, cried Basil, and with a bound and a swing he was above our heads, swarming up the grey column of the colossal tree. Come up, all of you, he shouted out in the darkness, with the voice of a schoolboy. Come up, you'll be late for dinner. The two great elms stood so close together that there was scarcely a yard anywhere, and in some places not more than a foot between them. Thus occasional branches and even bosses and bowls formed a series of footholds that almost amounted to a rude natural ladder. They must, I suppose, have been some sport of growth, Siamese twins of vegetation. Why we did it, I cannot think. Perhaps, as I have said, the mystery of the waste and dark had brought out and made primary something wholly mystical in Basil's supremacy, but we only felt that there was a giant staircase going somewhere, perhaps to the stars, and a victorious voice above called to us out of heaven. We hoisted ourselves up after him. Halfway up some cold tongue of the night air struck and sobered me suddenly. The hypnotism of the madman above fell from me, and I saw the whole map of our silly actions as clearly as if it were printed. I saw three modern men in black coats who had begun with a perfectly sensible suspicion of a doubtful adventurer, and who had ended, God knows why, halfway up a naked tree on a naked moorland, far from that adventurer and all his works, that adventurer who was at that moment in all probability laughing at us in some dirty Soho restaurant. He had plenty to laugh at us about, and no doubt he was laughing his loudest. But when I thought what his laughter would be if he knew where we were at that moment, I nearly let go of the tree and fell. Swimburn, said Rupert suddenly from above, what are we doing? Let's get down again. And by the mere sound of his voice I knew that he too felt the shock of wakening to reality. We can't leave poor Basil, I said. Can't you call to him or get hold of him by the leg? He's too far ahead, answered Rupert. He's nearly at the top of the beastly thing, looking for Lieutenant Keith in the rook's nest, I suppose. We were ourselves, by this time, far on our frantic vertical journey. The mighty trunks were beginning to sway and shake slightly in the wind. Then I looked down and saw something which made me feel that we were far from the world, in a sense and to a degree that I cannot easily describe. I saw that the almost straight lines of the tall elm trees diminished a little in perspective as they fell. I was used to seeing parallel lines taper towards the sky, but to see them taper towards the earth made me feel lost in space, like a falling star. Can nothing be done to stop Basil? I called out. No, answered my fellow climber. He's too far up. He must get to the top, and when he finds nothing but wind and leaves, he may go sane again. Hark at him above there. You can just hear him talking to himself. Perhaps he's talking to us, I said. No, said Rupert. He'd shout if he was. I've never known him to talk to himself before. I'm afraid he really is bad tonight. It's a known sign of the brain going. Yes, I said sadly, and listened. Basil's voice certainly was sounding above us, and not by any means in the rich and riotous tones in which he'd hailed us before. He was speaking quietly, and laughing every now and then, up there among the leaves and stars. After a silence mingled with this murmur, Rupert Grant suddenly said, My God! with a violent voice! What's the matter? You hurt, I cried alarmed. No, listen to Basil, said the other in a very strange voice. He's not talking to himself. Then he's talking to us, I cried. No, said Rupert simply. He's talking to somebody else. Great branches of the elm, loaded with leaves, swung about us in a sudden burst of wind. But when it died down, I could still hear the conversational voice above. I could hear two voices. Suddenly from aloft came Basil's boisterous hailing voice as before. Come up, you fellows. Here's Lieutenant Keith. And a second afterwards came the half-American voice we had heard in our chambers more than once. It called out, Happy to see you, gentlemen. Pray come in. Out of a hole in an enormous dark, egg-shaped thing, pendant in the branches like a wasp's nest, was protruding the pale face and fierce moustache of the Lieutenant, his teeth shining with that slightly southern air that belonged to him. Somehow or other, stunned and speechless, we lifted ourselves heavily into the opening. We fell into the full glow of a lamplit, cushioned, tiny room, with a circular wall lined with books, a circular table, and a circular seat around it. At this table sat three people. One was Basil, who in the instant after a lighting there had fallen into an attitude of marmoral ease, as if he had been there from boyhood. He was smoking a cigar with a slow pleasure. The second was Lieutenant Drummond Keith, who looked happy also, but feverish and doubtful compared with his granite guest. The third was the little bald-headed house agent, with the wild whiskers, who called himself Monmorency. The spears, the green umbrella, and the cavalry sword hung in parallels on the wall. The sealed jar of strange wine was on the mantlepiece, the enormous rifle in the corner. In the middle of the table was a magnum of champagne. Glasses were already set for us. The wind of the night roared far below us, like the ocean at the foot of a lighthouse. The room stirred slightly, as a cabin might, in a mild sea. Our glasses were filled, and we still sat there, dazed and dumb. Then Basil spoke. You seem still a little doubtful, Rupert. Surely there is no further question about the cold veracity of our injured host. I don't quite grasp it all, said Rupert, blinking still in the sudden glare. Lieutenant Keith said his address was— It's really quite right, sir, said Keith, with an open smile. The Bobby asked me where I lived, and I said quite truthfully that I lived in the Elms at Buxton Common, near Pearly. So I do. This gentleman, Mr. Monmorency, whom I think you have met before, is an agent for houses of this kind. He has a special line in our boreal villas. It's being kept rather quiet at present, because the people who want these houses don't want them to get too common. But it's just the sort of thing a fellow like myself, racketing about in all sorts of queer corners of London, naturally knocks up against. Are you really an agent for our boreal villas? asked Rupert eagerly, recovering his ease with the romance of reality. Mr. Monmorency, in his embarrassment, fingered one of his pockets and nervously pulled out a snake, which crawled about the table. Well, yes, sir, he said. The fact was that my people wanted me very much to go into the house-agency business, but I never cared myself for anything but natural history and botany and things like that. My poor parents have been dead some years now, but naturally I like to respect their wishes. And I thought somehow that an arboreal villar agency was a sort of compromise between being a botanist and being a house agent. Rupert could not help laughing. Do you have much custom, he asked. Not much, replied Mr. Monmorency, and then he glanced at Keith, who was, I am convinced, his only client. But what there is is very select. My dear friend, said Basil, puffing his cigar, always remember two facts. The first is that though when you are guessing about anyone who is sane, the sanest thing is the most likely. When you are guessing about anyone who is, like our host, insane, the maddest thing is the most likely. The second is to remember that very plain literal fact always seems fantastic. If Keith had taken a little brick-box of a housing clapperm with nothing but railings in front of it, and had written the elms over it, you wouldn't have thought that there was anything fantastic about that. Simply because it was a great blaring, swaggering lie, you would have believed it. Drink your wine, gentlemen, said Keith, laughing, for this confounded wind will upset it. We drank, and as we did so, although the hanging house by a cunning mechanism swung only slightly, we knew that the great head of the elm tree swayed in the sky like a stricken thistle. End of part four, the singular speculation of the house agent.