 Section 33 of the Junior Classics, Volume 6, Old Fashioned Tales. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Nan Dodge. The Junior Classics, Volume 6, Old Fashioned Tales. Alice in Wonderland. The Rabbit Sends In A Little Bill by Lewis Carroll. It was the white rabbit trotting slowly back again and looking anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something, and she heard it muttering to itself, The Duchess, the Duchess, oh my dear paws, oh my foreign whiskers, she'll get me executed as sure as ferrets are ferrets, where can I have dropped them, I wonder? Alice guessed in a moment that it was looking for the fan and the pair of white kid gloves, and she very good-naturedly began hunting about for them, but they were nowhere to be seen. Everything seemed to have changed since her swim in the pool and the great hall with the glass table and the little door had vanished completely. Very soon the rabbit noticed Alice as she went hunting about and called out to her in an angry tone, why, Marianne, what are you doing out here? Run home this moment and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan, quick now! And Alice was so much frightened that she ran off at once in the direction it pointed to, without trying to explain the mistake that had been made. He took me for his housemaid, she said to herself, as she ran. How surprised he'll be when he finds out who I am! And I'd better take him his fan and gloves, that is, if I can find them. As she said this, she came upon a neat little house, on the door of which was a bright brass plate with the name W. Rabbit, engraved upon it. She went in without knocking and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest she should meet the real Mary Anne, and be turned out of the house before she had found the fan and gloves. How queer it seems, Alice said to herself, to be going messages for a rabbit. I suppose Dino'll be sending me on messages next. And she began fancying the sort of thing that would happen. Miss Alice, come here directly, and get ready for your walk. Coming in a minute, nurse, but I've got to watch this mouse-hold till Dina comes back and see that the mouse doesn't get out. Only I don't think Alice went on, that they'd let Dina stop in the house if it began ordering people about like that. By this time she had found her way into a tidy little room, with a table in the window, and on it as she had hoped, a fan and two or three pairs of tiny white kid gloves. She took up the fan and a pair of the gloves, and was just going to leave the room when her eye fell upon a little bottle that stood near the looking-glass. There was no label this time, with the words Drink Me, but nevertheless she uncorked it and put it to her lips. I know something interesting is sure to happen, she said to herself, whenever I eat or drink anything, so I'll just see what this bottle does. I do hope it'll make me grow large again, for really I'm quite tired of being such a tiny little thing. It did so indeed, and much sooner than she had expected. Before she had drunk half the bottle, she found her head pressing against the ceiling, and had to stoop to save her neck from being broken. She hastily put down the bottle, saying to herself, that's quite enough. I hope I shan't grow any more. As it is I can't get out of the door, I do wish I hadn't drunk quite so much. Alas, it was too late to wish that. She went on growing and growing, and very soon had to kneel down on the floor. In another minute there was not even room for this, and she tried the effect of lying down with one elbow against the door, and the other arm curled round her head. Still she went on growing. And as a last resource she put one arm out of the window and one foot up the chimney, and said to herself, now I can do no more whatever happens. What will become of me? Luckily for Alas the little magic bottle had now had its full effect, and she grew no larger. Still it was very uncomfortable, and as there seemed to be no sort of chance of her ever getting out of the room again, no wonder she felt unhappy. It was much pleasanter at home, thought poor Alas, when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rabbits. I almost wish I hadn't gone down that rabbit hole. And yet, and yet it's rather curious, you know, this sort of life. I do wonder what can have happened to me. When I used to read fairy tales I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one. There ought to be a book written about me that there ought, and when I grow up I'll write one. But I'm grown up now, she added, in a sorrowful tone. At least there's no room to grow up any more here. But then, thought Alas, shall I never get any older than I am now? That'll be a comfort one way, never to be an old woman. But then always to have lessons to learn. Oh, I shouldn't like that. Oh, you foolish Alas, she answered herself. How can you learn lessons in here, why there's hardly room for you, and no room at all for any lesson-books? And so she went on taking first one side and then the other, and making quite a conversation of it altogether. But after a few minutes she heard a voice outside, and stopped to listen. Mary Anne, Mary Anne, said the voice, fetch me my gloves this minute. Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. Alas knew it was the rabbit coming to look for her, and she trembled till she shook the house, quite forgetting that she was now about a thousand times as large as the rabbit, and had no reason to be afraid of it. Presently the rabbit came up to the door and tried to open it, but as the door opened inward, and Alas's elbow was pressing hard against it, that attempt proved a failure. Alas heard it say to itself, then I'll go round and get in at the window. That you won't, thought Alas, and after waiting till she fancied she heard the rabbit just under the window, she suddenly spread out her hand and made a snatch in the air. She did not get hold of anything, but she heard a little shriek and a fall, and a crash of broken glass, from which she concluded that it was just possible it had fallen into a cucumber frame, or something of the sort. Next came an angry voice, the rabbits. Pat, Pat, where are you? And then a voice she had never heard before. Sure then, I'm here, digging for apples, Your Honor. Digging for apples, indeed, said the rabbit angrily. Here, come and help me out of this. Sounds of more broken glass. Now tell me, Pat, what's that in the window? Sure, it's an arm, Your Honor. He pronounced it, Aram. An arm, you goose, whoever saw one that size, why, it fills the whole window. Sure it does, Your Honor, but that's an Aram for all that. Well, it's got no business there at any rate. Go and take it away. There was a long silence after this, and Alas could only hear whispers now and then. Such as, Sure I don't like it, Your Honor, at all, at all. Do as I tell you, you coward, and at last she spread out her hand again and made another snatch in the air. This time there were two little shrieks and more sounds of broken glass. What a number of cucumber frames there must be, thought Alas. I wonder what they'll do next. As for pulling me out of the window, I only wish they could. I'm sure I don't want to stay and hear any longer. She waited for some time without hearing anything more. At last came a rumbling of little cartwheels, and the sound of a good many voices all talking together. She made out the words, Where's the other ladder? Why I hadn't to bring but one. Bill's got the other. Bill, fetch it here, lad. Here put them up at this corner. No, tie them together first. They don't reach half high enough yet. Oh, they'll do well enough. Don't be particular. Here, Bill, catch hold of this rope. Will the roof bear? Mind that loose slate. Oh, it's coming down, heads below. A loud crash. Now, who did that? It was Bill, I fancy. Who's to go down the chimney? Nay, I shan't you do it. That I won't, then. Bill's got to go down. Here, Bill. The master says you've got to go down the chimney. Oh, so Bill's got to come down the chimney, has he? said Alice to herself. Why, they seem to put everything upon Bill. I wouldn't be in Bill's place for a good deal. This fireplace is narrow, to be sure, but I think I can kick a little. She drew her foot as far down the chimney as she could, and waited till she heard a little animal. She couldn't guess of what sort it was, scratching and scrambling about in the chimney, close above her. Then, saying to herself, this is Bill, she gave one sharp kick, and waited to see what would happen next. The first thing she heard was a general chorus of, there goes Bill, then the rabbit's voice alone, catch him, you by the hedge, then silence, and then another confusion of voices. Hold up his head. Brandy, now, don't choke him. How was it, old fella, what happened to you? Tell us all about it. Last came a little feeble, squeaking voice. That's Bill, thought Alice. Well I hardly know, no more, thank ye, I'm better now, but I'm a deal too flustered to tell you. All I know is, something comes at me like a jack-in-the-box, and up I goes like a skyrocket. So you did, old fellow, said the others. We must burn the house down, said the rabbit's voice, and Alice called out as loud as she could, if you do I'll set Dinah at you. There was a dead silence instantly, and Alice thought to herself, I wonder what they will do next, if they had any sense they'd take the roof off. After a minute or two they began moving about again, and Alice heard the rabbit say, a bower-of-full will do to begin with. A bower-of-full of what, thought Alice, that she had not long to doubt, for the next moment a shower of little pebbles came rattling in at the window, and some of them hit her in the face. I'll put a stop to this, she said to herself, and shouted out, You'd better not do that again, which produced another dead silence. Alice noticed, with some surprise, that the pebbles were all turning into little cakes as they lay on the floor, and a bright idea came into her head. If I eat one of these cakes, she thought, it's sure to make some change in my size, and as it can't possibly make me larger, it must make me smaller, I suppose. So she swallowed one of the cakes, and was delighted to find that she began shrinking directly. As soon as she was small enough to get through the door, she ran out of the house, and found quite a crowd of little animals and birds waiting outside. The poor little lizard Bill was in the middle, being held up by two guinea pigs who were giving it something out of a bottle. They all made a rush at Alice the moment she appeared, but she ran off as hard as she could, and soon found herself safe in a thick wood. The first thing I've got to do, said Alice to herself, as she wandered about in the wood, is to grow to my right size again, and the second thing is to find my way into that lovely garden. I think that will be the best plan. It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged. The only difficulty was that she had not the smallest idea had to set about it, and while she was peering about anxiously among the trees, a little sharp bark just over her head made her look up in a great hurry. An enormous puppy was looking down at her with large round eyes, and feebly stretching out one paw trying to touch her. Poor little thing said Alice in a coaxing tone, and she tried hard to whistle to it, but she was terribly frightened all the time at the thought that it might be hungry, in which case it would be very likely to eat her up in spite of all her coaxing. Hardly knowing what she did, she picked up a little bit of stick and held it out to the puppy, whereupon the puppy jumped into the air off all its feet at once with a yelp of delight and rushed at the stick, and made believe to worry it. Then Alice dodged behind a great thistle to keep herself from being run over, and the moment she appeared on the other side, the puppy made another rush at the stick and tumbled head over heels in its hurry to get hold of it. Then Alice thinking it was very like having a game of play with a cart-horse, and expecting every moment to be trampled under its feet, ran round the thistle again. Then the puppy began a series of short charges at the stick, running a very little way forward each time and a long way back, and barking hoarsely all the while, till at last it sat down a good way off, panting, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth and its great eyes half shut. This seemed to Alice a good opportunity for making her escape, so she set off at once and ran till she was quite tired and out of breath, until the puppy's bark sounded quite faint in the distance. And yet what a dear little puppy it was, said Alice, as she leaned against a butter-cup to rest herself and fanned herself with one of the leaves, I should have liked teaching it tricks very much if I'd only been the right size to do it. Oh dear, I'd nearly forgotten that I got to grow up again. Let me see, how is it to be managed? I suppose I ought to eat or drink something or other, but the great question is, what? The great question certainly was what. Alice looked all round her at the flowers and the blades of grass, but she could not see anything that looked like the right thing to eat or drink under the circumstances. There was a large mushroom growing near her about the same height as herself, and when she had looked under it, and on both sides of it and behind it, it occurred to her that she might as well look and see what was on the top of it. She stretched herself up on tiptoe and peeped over the edge of the mushroom, and her eyes immediately met those of a large blue caterpillar that was sitting on the top with his arms folded, quietly smoking a long hookah and taking not the smallest notice of her or of anything else. End of section 33. Section 34 of the Junior Classics, volume six, Old-Fashioned Tales. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Junior Classics, volume six, Old-Fashioned Tales. Alice in Wonderland. Advice from a Caterpillar by Lewis Carroll. The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence. At last, the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice. "'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied rather shyly. "'I hardly know, sir, just at present. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.' "'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. "'Explain yourself.' "'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice. "'Because I'm not myself, you see.' "'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar. "'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied, very politely, for I can't understand it myself to begin with, and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.' "'It isn't,' said the Caterpillar. "'Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Alice. "'But when you have to turn into a chrysalis, you will some day, you know, and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?' "'Not a bit,' said the Caterpillar. "'Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,' said Alice. "'All I know is it would feel very queer to me.' "'You,' said the Caterpillar, contemptuously. "'Who are you?' "'Which brought them back again to the beginning of the conversation.' "'Alice felt a little irritated at the Caterpillar's making such very short remarks, and she drew herself up and said very gravely, "'I think you ought to tell me who you are first.' "'Why?' said the Caterpillar. Here was another puzzling question, and as Alice could not think of any good reason, and the Caterpillar seemed to be in a very unpleasant state of mind, she turned away. "'Come back,' the Caterpillar called after her. "'I have something important to say.' "'This sounded promising, certainly.' Alice turned and came back again. "'Keep your temper,' said the Caterpillar. "'Is that all?' said Alice, swallowing down her anger as well as she could. "'No,' said the Caterpillar. Alice thought she might as well wait as she had nothing else to do, and perhaps after all it might tell her something worth hearing. For some minutes it puffed away without speaking, but at last it unfolded its arms, took the hooker out of its mouth again, and said, "'So you think you're changed, do you?' "'I'm afraid I am, sir,' said Alice. "'I can't remember things as I used, and I don't keep the same size for ten minutes together.' "'Can't remember what things,' said the Caterpillar. "'Well, I've tried to say how doth the little busy bee, but it all came different,' Alice replied in a very melancholy voice. "'Repeat. You are old, Father William,' said the Caterpillar. Alice folded her hands and began. "'You are old, Father William,' the young man said, "'and your hair has become very white, and yet you incessantly stand on your head. Do you think at your age it is right?' "'In my youth,' Father William replied to his son, "'I feared it might injure the brain. But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, why I do it again and again.' "'You are old,' said the youth, as I mentioned before, and have grown most uncommonly fat. Yet you turned a back-summer salt in at the door. Pray, what is the reason of that?' "'In my youth,' said the Sage, as he shook his grey locks, "'I kept all my limbs very supple. By the use of this ointment, one shilling the box, allow me to sell you a couple.' "'You are old,' said the youth, and your jaws are too weak for anything tougher than soot. Yet you finished the goose with the bones and the beak. Pray, how did you manage to do it?' "'In my youth,' said his father, I took to the law, and argued each case with my wife, and the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw has lasted the rest of my life.' "'You are old,' said the youth, one would hardly suppose that your eye was as steady as ever. Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose. What made you so awfully clever?' "'I have answered three questions, and that is enough,' said his father. "'Don't give yourself theirs. Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? "'Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs.' "'That has not said right,' said the caterpillar. "'Not quite right, I'm afraid,' said Alice timidly. "'Some of the words have got altered.' "'It is wrong from beginning to end,' said the caterpillar, decidedly, and there was silence for some minutes. The caterpillar was the first to speak. "'What size do you want to be?' it asked. "'Oh, I'm not particular as to size,' Alice hastily replied. "'Only one doesn't like changing so often, you know.' "'I don't know,' said the caterpillar. Alice said nothing. She had never been so much contradicted in all her life before, and she felt that she was losing her temper. "'Are you content now?' said the caterpillar. "'Well, I should like to be a little larger, sir, if you wouldn't mind,' said Alice. "'Three inches is such a wretched height to be.' "'It is a very good height, indeed,' said the caterpillar angrily, rearing itself upright as it spoke. It was exactly three inches high. "'But I'm not used to it,' pleaded poor Alice in a piteous tone. And she thought to herself, I wish the creature wouldn't be so easily offended. "'You'll get used to it in time,' said the caterpillar, and it put the hookah into its mouth and began smoking again. This time Alice waited patiently until it chose to speak again. In a minute or two the caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth and yawned once or twice and shook itself. Then it got down off the mushroom and crawled away into the grass, merely remarking as it went, "'One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.' "'One side of what? The other side of what?' thought Alice to herself. "'Of the mushroom,' said the caterpillar, just as if she had asked it aloud. And in another moment it was out of sight. Alice remained looking thoughtfully at the mushroom for a minute, trying to make out which were the two sides of it, and as it was perfectly round she found this a very difficult question. However at last she stretched her arms round it as far as they would go and broke off a bit of the edge with each hand. "'And now which is which?' she said to herself and nibbled a little of the right-hand bit to try the effect. The next moment she felt a violent blow underneath her chin. It had struck her foot. She was a good deal frightened by this very sudden change but she felt that there was no time to be lost as she was shrinking rapidly. So she set to work at once to eat some of the other bit. Her chin was pressed so closely against her foot that there was hardly room to open her mouth. But she did it at last and managed to swallow a morsel of the left-hand bit. "'Come, my head's free at last,' said Alice in a tone of delight, which changed into alarm in another moment when she found that her shoulders were nowhere to be found. All she could see when she looked down was an immense length of neck which seemed to rise like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves that lay far below her. "'What can all that green stuff be?' said Alice. "'And where have my shoulders got to? "'And oh, my poor hands! How is it I can't see you?' She was moving them about as she spoke but no results seemed to follow except a little shaking among the distant green leaves. As there seemed to be no chance of getting her hands up to her head she tried to get her head down to them and was delighted to find that her neck would bend about easily in any direction, like a serpent. She had just succeeded in curving it down into a graceful zigzag and was going to dive in among the leaves, which she found to be nothing but the tops of the trees under which she had been wandering when a sharp hiss made her draw back in a hurry. A large pigeon had flown into her face and was baiting her violently with its wings. "'Serpent!' screamed the pigeon. "'I'm not a serpent,' said Alice indignantly. "'Let me alone!' "'Serpent, I say again!' repeated the pigeon but in a more subdued tone and added with a kind of sob. "'I've tried every way, but nothing seems to suit him.' "'I haven't the least idea what you're talking about,' said Alice. "'I've tried the roots of trees and I've tried banks and I've tried edges,' the pigeon went on without attending to her. "'But those serpents, there's no pleas in them!' Alice was more and more puzzled but she thought there was no use in saying anything more till the pigeon had finished. "'As if it wasn't trouble enough, Edge, in the eggs,' said the pigeon. "'But I must be on the lookout for a serpent's night and day while I haven't had a wink of sleep these three weeks.' "'I'm very sorry you've been annoyed,' said Alice, who was beginning to see its meaning. "'And just as I'd taken the highest tree in the wood,' continued the pigeon, raising its voice to a shriek, "'and just as I was thinking I should be free of them at last, they must needs come wriggling down from the sky. Oh, serpent!' "'But I'm not a serpent, I tell you,' said Alice. "'I'm a—I'm a boy you,' said the pigeon. "'I can see you're trying to invent something.' "'I—I'm a little girl,' said Alice. Rather doubtfully, as she remembered the number of changes she had gone through that day. "'A likely story, indeed,' said the pigeon, in a tone of the deepest contempt. "'I've seen a good many little girls in my time, but never one with such a neck as that. "'No, no, you're a serpent, and there's no use denying it. "'I suppose you'll be telling me next that you never taste an egg?' "'I have tasted eggs, certainly,' said Alice, who was a very truthful child. "'But little girls eat eggs quite as much as serpents do, you know.' "'I don't believe it,' said the pigeon. "'But if they do, why, they're a kind of serpent, that's all I could say.' "'This was such a new idea to Alice that she was quite silent for a minute or two, which gave the pigeon the opportunity of adding, "'You're looking for eggs? I know that well enough, and what does it matter to me whether you're a little girl or a serpent?' "'It matters a good deal to me,' said Alice hastily. "'But I'm not looking for eggs as it happens, and if I was, I shouldn't want yours. I don't like them raw.' "'Well, be off, then,' said the pigeon in a sulky tone, as it settled down again into its nest. Alice crouched down among the trees as well as she could, for her neck kept getting entangled among the branches, and every now and then she had to stop and untwist it. After a while she remembered that she still held the pieces of mushroom in her hands, and she set to work very carefully nibbling first at one and then at the other, and growing sometimes taller and sometimes shorter, until she had succeeded in bringing herself down to her usual height. It was so long since she had been anything near the right size that it felt quite strange at first, but she got used to it in a few minutes, and began talking to herself as usual. "'Come, there's half my plan done now. How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another. However, I've got back to my right size. The next thing is to get into that beautiful garden. How is that to be done, I wonder?' As she said this, she came suddenly upon an open place, with a little house in it about four feet high. "'Whoever lives there,' thought Alice, "'it'll never do to come upon them this size. Why, I should frighten them out of their wits!' So she began nibbling at the right-hand bit again, and did not venture to go near the house, till she had brought herself down to nine inches high. End of Section 34 Read by The Storygirl Alice in Wonderland Pig and Pepper by Lewis Carroll For a minute or two she stood looking at the house and wondering what to do next. When suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the wood, she considered him to be a footman because he was in livery, otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called him a fish, and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It was opened by another footman in livery, with a round face and large eyes like a frog, and both footmen, Alice noticed, had powdered hair that curled all over their heads. She felt very curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen. The fish footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying in a solemn tone, for the duchess, an invitation from the queen to play croquet. The frog footman repeated in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little, from the queen, an invitation for the duchess to play croquet, and they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled together. Alice laughed so much at this that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her, and when she next peeped out, the fish footman was gone and the other was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky. Alice went timidly up to the door and knocked. There's no sort of use in knocking, said the footman, and that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are. Secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you. And certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on within. A constant howling and sneezing and every now and then a great crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces. Please then, said Alice, how am I to get in? There might be some sense in your knocking, the footman went on, without attending to her. If we had the door between us, for instance, if you were inside you might knock and I could let you out, you know. He was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking and this Alice thought decidedly uncivil. But perhaps he can't help it, she said to herself. His eyes are so very nearly at the top of his head. But at any rate he might answer questions. How am I to get in, she repeated aloud. I shall sit here, the footman remarked, till tomorrow. At this moment the door of the house opened and a large plate came skimming out straight at the footman's head. It just grazed his nose and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him. Or next day, maybe, the footman continued in the same tone. Exactly as if nothing had happened. And the footman continued in the same tone. Exactly as if nothing had happened. How am I to get in, asked Alice again in a louder tone. Are you to get in at all, said the footman. That's the first question, you know. It was, no doubt. Only Alice did not like to be told so. It's really dreadful, she muttered to herself. The way all the creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy. The footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for the first time in his life. The footman said, The footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark with variations. I shall sit here, he said, on and off for days and days. But what am I to do, said Alice? Anything you like, said the footman, and began whistling. Oh, there's no use in talking to him, said Alice desperately. He's perfectly idiotic. And she opened the door and went in. The door led right into a large kitchen, which was full of smoke from one end to the other. The Duchess was sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby. The cook was leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup. There's certainly too much pepper in that soup, Alice said to herself, as well as she could for sneezing. There was certainly too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess sneezed occasionally, and as for the baby, it was sneezing and howling alternately without a moment's pause. The only two creatures in the kitchen that did not sneeze were the cook and a large cat which was lying on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear. Please, would you tell me, said Alice a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first, why her cat grins like that? It's a Cheshire cat, said the Duchess, and that's why, pig! She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice quite jumped, but she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the baby and not to her, so she took courage and went on again. I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned. In fact, I didn't know that cats would grin. They all can, said the Duchess, and most of them do. I don't know of any that do, Alice said very politely, feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation. You don't know much, said the Duchess, and that's a fact. Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark and thought it would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation. While she was trying to fix on one, the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire and at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby. The fire-irons came first, then followed a shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them, even when they hit her, and the baby was howling so much already that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not. Oh, please mind what you're doing, cried Alice. Jumping up and down in an agony of terror. Oh, there goes his precious nose, as an unusually large saucepan flew close by it and very nearly carried it off. If everybody minded their own business, the Duchess said in a horse-growl, the world would go around a deal faster than it does. Which would not be an advantage, said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. Just think what work it would make with the day and night. You see, the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis. Talking of accents, said the Duchess, chop off her head. Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook to see if she meant to take the hint. But the cook was busily stirring the soup and seemed not to be listening, so she went on again. Twenty-four hours, I think, where is it twelve? I— I don't remember me, said the Duchess. I never could abide figures. And with that she began nursing her child again, singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so and giving it a violent shake at the end of every line. Speak roughly to your little boy and beat him when he sneezes. He only does it to annoy because he knows it teases. And then the chorus in which the cook and the baby joined, wow, wow, wow. While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so that Alice could hardly hear the words. I speak severely to my boy. I beat him when he sneezes for he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper when he pleases. Wow, wow, wow. Here you may nurse it a bit if you like, the Duchess said to Alice, flinging the baby at her as she spoke. I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen and she hurried out of the room. The cook threw a frying pan after her as she went, but it just missed her. Alice caught the baby with some difficulty as it was a queer-shaped little creature and held out its arms and legs in all directions. Just like a starfish, thought Alice, the poor little thing was snorting like a steam engine when she caught it and doubling itself up and straightening itself out again so that all together, for the first minute or two, it was as much as she could do to hold it. As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it, which was to twist it up into a sort of knot and then keep tight hold of its right ear and left foot so as to prevent its undoing itself, she carried it out into the open air. If I don't take this child away with me, thought Alice, they're sure to kill it in a day or two. Wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind? She said the last words out loud and the little thing grunted in reply. It had left off sneezing by this time. Don't grunt, said Alice. That's not at all a proper way of expressing yourself. The baby grunted again and Alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the matter with it. There could be no doubt that it had a very turn-up nose, much more like a snout than a real nose. Also its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby. Altogether Alice did not like the look of the thing at all. But perhaps it was only sobbing, she thought, and looked into its eyes again to see if there were any tears. Nope, there were no tears. If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear, said Alice seriously, I'll have nothing more to do with you. Mind now. The poor little thing sobbed again or grunted. It was impossible to say which and they went on for some time while in silence. Alice was just beginning to think to herself, now what am I to do with this creature when I get at home? When it grunted again so violently that she looked down into its face in some alarm. There was no time there could be no mistake about it. It was neither more nor less than a pig and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it any further. So she set the little creature down and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the wood. If it had grown up, she said to herself, it would have made a dreadfully ugly child. But it makes rather a handsome pig, I think. And she began thinking over and over other children she knew who might do very well as pigs and was just saying to herself if one only knew the right way to change them. When she was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off, the cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good-natured, she thought. Still it had very long claws and a great many teeth. So she felt that it ought to be treated with respect. Cheshire pushed she began rather timidly as she did not at all know whether it would like the name. However it only grinned a little wider. Come, it's pleased so far, thought Alice. And she went on. Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here? That depends a good deal on where you want to get to, said the cat. I don't much care where, said Alice. Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said the cat. So long as I get somewhere, Alice added as an explanation. Oh, you're sure to do that, said the cat, if you only walk long enough. Alice felt that this could not be denied so she tried another question. What sort of people live about here? In that direction, the cat said, waving its right paw round, lives a hatter. And that direction, waving the other paw, lives a march hare. Visit either you like, they're both mad. But I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked. Oh, you can't help that, said the cat. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad. How do you know I'm mad, said Alice? You must be, said the cat, or you wouldn't have come here. Alice didn't think that proved it at all, however she went on. And how do you know that you're mad? To begin with, said the cat, the dog's not mad, you grant that. I suppose so, said Alice. Well then, the cat went on. You see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad. I call it purring, said Alice. Call it what you like, said the cat. Do you play croquet with the queen today? I should like it very much, said Alice, but I haven't been invited yet. You'll see me there, said the cat, and vanished. Alice was not much surprised at this. She was getting so well used to queer things happening. While she was still looking at the place where it had been, it suddenly appeared again. By the by what became of the baby, said the cat, I'd nearly forgotten to ask. It turned into a pig, Alice answered very quietly, just as if the cat had come back in a natural way. I thought it would, said the cat, and vanished again. Alice waited a little, half expecting to see it again, but it did not appear, and after a minute or two she walked on, in the direction in which Alice lived. I've seen hatters before, she said to herself. The March hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won't be raving mad, at least not so mad as it was in March. As she said this she looked up and there was the cat again sitting on a branch of a tree. Did you say pig or fig, said the cat? Pig, replied Alice, and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly, you make one quite giddy. All right, said the cat, and this time it vanished quite slowly beginning with the end of the tail and ending with the grin which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. Well, I've often seen a cat without a grin, thought Alice, but a grin without a cat it's the most curious thing I've ever saw in all my life. She had not gone much further before she came inside of the house of the March hare. She thought it must be the right house because the chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was stached with fur. It was so large a house that she did not like to go nearer till she had nibbled some more of the left-hand bit of mushroom and raised herself to about two feet high. Then she walked up toward it rather timidly saying to herself suppose it should be raving mad after all I almost wish I'd gone to see the Hatter instead. End of Section 35 Section 36 of the Junior Classics Volume 6 Old-Fashioned Tails This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Junior Classics Volume 6 Old-Fashioned Tails Alice in Wonderland A Mad Tea Party by Lewis Carroll There was a table set out under a tree in front of the house and the March hare and the Hatter A door-mouse was sitting between them fast asleep and the other two were using it as a cushion resting their elbows on it and talking over its head Very uncomfortable for the door-mouse thought Alice only as it's asleep I suppose it doesn't mind The table was a large one but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it No room! No room! they cried out when they saw Alice coming There's plenty of room said Alice indignantly and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table Have some wine the March hare said in an encouraging tone Alice looked round the table but there was nothing on it but tea Don't see any wine she remarked There isn't any said the March hare Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it said Alice angrily It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited said the March hare I didn't know it was your table said Alice It's laid for a great many more than three Your hare once cutting said the Hatter He had been looking at Alice for some time with great curiosity and this was his first speech You should learn not to make personal remarks Alice said with some severity It's very rude The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this but all he said was Why is a raven like a writing desk? Come, we shall have some fun now thought Alice I'm glad they've begun asking riddles I believe I can guess that she added aloud Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it said the March hare Exactly so said Alice Then you should say what you mean The March hare went on I do Alice hastily replied at least at least I mean what I say that's the same thing you know Not the same thing a bit said the Hatter Why you might just as well say that I see what I eat is the same thing as I eat what I see You might just as well say added the March hare that I like what I get is the same thing as I get what I like You might just as well say added the door mouse which seemed to be talking in its sleep that I breathe when I sleep is the same thing as I sleep when I breathe That is the same thing with you said the Hatter and here the conversation dropped and the party sat silent for a minute while Alice thought over all she could remember about ravens and writing desks which wasn't much the Hatter was the first to break the silence What day of the month is it he said turning to Alice he had taken his watch out of his pocket and was looking at it uneasily shaking it every now and then holding it to his ear Alice considered a little and then said the fourth Two days wrong sighed the Hatter I told you Butter wouldn't suit the works he added looking angrily at the March hare It was the best Butter the March hare meekly replied Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well the Hatter grumbled you shouldn't have put it in with the bread knife the March hare took the watch and looked at it gloomily then he dipped it into his cup of tea and looked at it again but he could think of nothing better to say than his first remark it was the best Butter you know Alice had been looking over his shoulder with some curiosity what a funny watch she remarked it tells the day of the month and doesn't tell what a clock it is why should it muttered the Hatter does your watch tell you what year it is of course not Alice replied very readily but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together which is just the case with mine said the Hatter Alice felt dreadfully puzzled the Hatter's remark seemed to her to have no sort of meaning in it and yet it was certainly English I don't quite understand you she said as politely as she could the door mouse is asleep again said the Hatter and he poured a little hot tea upon its nose the door mouse shook its head impatiently and said without opening its eyes of course, of course just what I was going to remark myself have you guessed the riddle yet the Hatter said turning to Alice again no, I give it up Alice replied what's the answer I haven't the slightest idea said the Hatter nor I said the March Hare Alice sighed wearily I think you might do something better with the time she said than wasting it and asking riddles that have no answers if you knew time as well as I do said the Hatter you wouldn't talk about wasting it it's him I don't know what you mean Alice of course you don't the Hatter said tossing his head contemptuously I dare say you never even spoke to time perhaps not Alice cautiously replied but I know I have to beat time when I learn music that accounts for it said the Hatter he won't stand beating now if you only kept on good terms with him and liked with the clock for instance suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning just time to begin lessons you'd only have to whisper a hint of time and round goes the clock in a twinkling half past one time for dinner I only wish it was the March Hare said to itself in a whisper that would be grand certainly said Alice thoughtfully but then I shouldn't be hungry for it you know not first perhaps said the Hatter but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked is that the way you manage Alice asked the Hatter shook his head mournfully not I he replied we quarreled last March just before he went mad you know pointing with his teaspoon at the March Hare it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing twinkle twinkle little bat how I wonder what you're at you know the song perhaps I've heard something like it said Alice it goes on you know the Hatter continued in this way up above the world you fly like a tea tray in the sky twinkle twinkle here the door mouse shook itself and began singing in its sleep twinkle twinkle twinkle twinkle and went on so long that they had to pinch it to make it stop well I'd hardly finished the first verse said the Hatter when the Queen bawled out he's murdering the time off with his head how dreadfully savage exclaimed Alice I'd ever since that the Hatter went on in a mournful tone he won't do a thing I ask that's always six o'clock now a bright idea came into Alice's head is that the reason so many tea things are put out here she asked yes that's it said the Hatter with a sigh it's always tea time and we've no time to wash the things between wiles then you keep moving round I suppose said Alice exactly so said the Hatter as the things get used up but what happens when you come to the beginning again Alice ventured to ask suppose we change the subject the March Hare interrupted yawning I'm getting tired of this I vote the young lady tells us a story I'm afraid I don't know one said Alice rather alarmed at the proposal then the door mouse shout they both cried wake up door mouse and they pinched it on both sides at once the door mouse slowly opened its eyes I wasn't asleep it said in a horse feeble voice I heard every word you fellows were saying tell us a story said the March Hare yes please do pleaded Alice and be quick about it added the Hatter or you'll be asleep again before it's done once upon a time there were three little sisters the door mouse began in a great hurry and their names were Elsie, Lacy and Tilly and they lived at the bottom of a well what did they live on said Alice who always took a great interest in questions of eating and drinking and they lived on treacle said the door mouse after thinking a minute or two they couldn't have done that you know Alice gently remarked they'd have been ill so they were said the door mouse very ill Alice tried a little to fancy to herself what such an extraordinary way of living would be like but it puzzled her too much so she went on but why did they live at the bottom of a well take some more tea the March Hare said to Alice very earnestly I've had nothing yet Alice replied in an offended tone so I can't take more you mean you can't take less said the Hatter it's very easy to take more than nothing nobody asked your opinion said Alice who's making personal remarks now the Hatter asked triumphantly Alice did not quite know what to say to this so she helped herself to some tea and bread and butter and then turned to the door mouse and repeated her question why did they live at the bottom of a well the door mouse again took a minute or two to think about it and then said it was a trickle well there's no such thing Alice was beginning very angrily but the Hatter and the March Hare went shh shh and the door mouse sulkily remarked if you can't be civil you'd better finish the story for yourself no please go on Alice said very humbly I won't interrupt you again I dare say there may be one one indeed said the door mouse indignantly however he consented to go on and so these three little sisters they were learning to draw you know what did they draw? said Alice quite forgetting her promise trickle said the door mouse without considering at all this time I want a clean cup interrupted the Hatter let's all move one place on he moved on as he spoke and the door mouse followed him the March Hare moved into the door mouse's place and Alice rather unwillingly took the place of the March Hare the Hatter was the only one who got any advantage from the change and Alice was a good deal worse off than before as the March Hare had just upset the milk jug into his plate Alice did not wish to offend the door mouse again so she began very cautiously but I don't understand where did they draw the trickle from? you can draw water out of a water well said the Hatter so I should think you could draw trickle out of a trickle well eh stupid but they were in the well Alice said to the door mouse not choosing to notice this last remark of course they were said the door mouse well in this answer so confused poor Alice that she let the door mouse go on for some time without interrupting it they were learning to draw the door mouse went on yawning and rubbing its eyes for it was getting very sleepy and they drew all manner of things everything that begins with an M why with an M said Alice why not said the March Hare Alice was silent the door mouse had closed its eyes by this time and was going off into a dose but on being pinched by the Hatter it woke up again with a little shriek and went on that begins with an M such as mouse traps and the moon and memory and muchness you know you say things are much of a muchness did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness really now you ask me said Alice very much confused I don't think then you shouldn't talk said the Hatter this piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear she got up in great disgust and walked off the door mouse fell asleep instantly and neither of the others took the least notice of her going though she looked back once or twice half hoping that they would call after her the last time she saw them they were trying to put the door mouse into the teapot at any rate I'll never go there again said Alice as she picked her way through the wood it's the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life just as she said this she noticed that one of the trees had a door leading right into it that's very curious she thought but everything's curious today I think I may as well go in at once and in she went once more she found herself in the long hall and close to the little glass table now I'll manage better this time she said to herself and began by taking the little golden key and unlocking the door that led into the garden then she set to work nibbling at the mushroom she had kept a piece of it in her pocket till she was about a foot high then she walked down the little passage and then she found herself at last in the beautiful garden among the bright flower beds and the cool fountains end of section 36 read by the story girl section 37 of the junior classics volume 6 old fashioned tales this is a labor box recording while labor box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit laborbox.org the junior classics volume 6 old fashioned tales Alice in Wonderland The Queen's Croquet Ground by Lewis Carroll a large rose tree stood near the entrance of the garden and there were three gardeners at it busily painting them red Alice thought this was a very curious thing and she went near to watch them and just as she came up to them she heard one of them say look out now five don't go splashing paint over me like that I couldn't help it said five in a sulky tone seven jogged my elbow on which seven looked up and said five always lay the blame on others you'd better not talk said five I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserve to be beheaded what for said the one who had spoken first that's none of your business two said seven yes it is his business said five and I'll tell him it was for bringing the cook tulip roots seven flying down his brush and had just begun well of all the unjust things when his eye chanced to fall upon Alice as she stood watching them and he checked himself suddenly the others looked round also and all of them bowed low would you tell me please said Alice a little timidly while you are painting those roses five and seven said nothing but looked at two two began in a low voice why the fact is you see miss this here ought to have been a red rose tree and we put a white one in by mistake and if the Queen was to find it out we should all have our heads cut off you know so you see miss we're doing our best of four she comes to at this moment five would have been anxiously looking across the garden called out the Queen the Queen and the three gardeners instantly threw themselves flat upon their faces there was a sound of many footsteps and Alice looked round eager to see the Queen first came ten soldiers carrying clubs these were all shaped like the three gardeners oblong and flat with their hands and feet at the corners next the ten courtiers these were ornamented all over with diamonds and walked two and two as the soldiers did after these came the royal children there were ten of them and the little dears came jumping merrily along hand in hand in couples they were all ornamented with hearts next came the guests mostly kings and queens and among them Alice recognized the white rabbit it was talking in a hurried nervous manner smiling at everything that was said and went by without noticing her then followed the nave of hearts carrying the king's crown on a crimson velvet cushion and last of all this grand procession came the king and the queen of hearts Alice was rather doubtful not to lie down on her face like the three gardeners but she could not remember ever having heard of such a rule at processions and besides what would be the use of a procession thought she if people all had to lie down on their faces so that they couldn't see it so she stood where she was and waited when the procession came opposite to Alice they all stopped and looked at her and the queen said who is this she said it to the nave of hearts who only bowed and smiled and replied idiot said the queen tossing her head impatiently and turning to Alice she went on what's your name child my name is Alice so please your majesty said Alice very politely but she added to herself why there are only a pack of cards after all I needn't be afraid of them please said the queen pointing to the three gardeners who were lying around the rosetree for you see as they were lying on their faces and the pattern on their backs was the same as the rest of the pack she could not tell whether they were gardeners or soldiers or courtiers or three of her own children how should I know said Alice surprised at her own courage the queen turned crimson with fury and after glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast began screaming off with her head off with nonsense said Alice very loudly and decidedly and the queen was silent the king laid his hand upon her arm and timbly said consider my dear she is only a child the queen turned angrily away from him in the name turn them over the nave did so very carefully with one foot get up said the queen in a shrill loud voice and the three gardeners instantly jumped up and began bowing to the king queen the royal children and everybody else leave off that may it please your majesty said too in a very humble tone going down on one knee as he spoke we were trying I see said the queen who had meanwhile been examining the roses off with their heads and the procession moved on three of the soldiers remaining behind to execute the unfortunate gardeners who ran to Alice for protection you shan't be beheaded said Alice the three soldiers wandered about for a minute or two looking for them and then quietly marched off after the others are their heads off shouted the queen their heads are gone if it please your majesty the soldiers shouted in reply that's right shouted the queen can you play croquet the soldiers were silent and looked at Alice yes shouted Alice come on then roared the queen and Alice joined the procession wondering very much what would happen next it's it's a very fine day said a timid voice at her side she was walking by the white rabbit who was beeping anxiously into her face very said Alice where's the Duchess hush hush she was walking by herself upon tiptoe put his mouth close to her ear and whispered she's under sentence of execution what for said Alice did you say what a pity the rabbit asked no I didn't said Alice I don't think it's at all a pity I said what for the queen will hear you you see she came rather late and the queen said get to your places shouted the queen in a voice of thunder and people began running about in all directions tumbling up against each other however they got settled down in a minute or two and the game began Alice thought she had never seen such a curious croquet ground in her life it was all ridges and furrows the croquet balls were live hedgehogs and the mallets live flamingos and the soldiers had to double themselves up and stand on their hands and feet to make the arches the chief difficulty Alice found at first was in managing her flamingo she succeeded in getting its body tucked away comfortably enough under her arm with its legs hanging down but generally just as she had got its neck nicely straightened out and was going to give the hedgehog a blow with its head it would twist itself round and look up in her face with such a puzzled expression that she could not help bursting out laughing and when she had got its head down and was going to begin again it was very provoking to find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself and was in the act of crawling away besides all this generally a ridge or a furrow in the way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog to and as the doubled up soldiers were always getting up and walking off to other parts of the ground Alice soon came to the conclusion that it was a very difficult game indeed the players all played at once without waiting for turns quarreling all the while and fighting for the hedgehogs and in a very short time the queen was in a furious passion and went stamping about and shouting off with his head or off with her head about once in a minute Alice began to feel very uneasy to be sure she had not as yet had any dispute with the queen but she knew that it might happen any minute and then thought she what would become of me they're dreadfully fond of beheading people here the great wonder is that there's anyone left alive she was looking about for some way of escape and wondering whether she could get away without being seen when she noticed a curious appearance in the air it puzzled her very much at first but after watching it a minute or two she made it out to be a grin and she said to herself it's the Cheshire cat now I shall have somebody to talk to how are you getting on said the cat as soon as there was mouth enough for it to speak with Alice waited till the eyes appeared and then nodded it's no use speaking to it she thought till its ears have come or at least one of them in another minute the whole had appeared and then Alice put down her flamingo and began an account of the game feeling very glad she had someone to listen to her the cat seemed to think that there was enough of it now in sight I think they play it all fairly Alice began in rather a complaining tone and they all quarrel so dreadfully one can't hear oneself speak and they don't seem to have any rules in particular at least if there are nobody attends to them and you've no idea how confusing it is all the things being alive for instance there's the arch I've got to go through next walking about at the other end of the ground and I should have croquade the queen's hedgehog just now only it ran away when it saw mine coming how do you like the queen said the cat in a low voice not at all said Alice she's so extremely just then she noticed that the queen was close behind her listening so she went on likely to win who are you talking to said the king coming up to Alice and looking at the cat's head with great curiosity it's a friend of mine the Cheshire cat said Alice allow me to introduce it I don't like the look of it at all said the king however it may kiss my hand if it likes I'd rather not the cat remark she spoke a cat may look at a king said Alice I've read that in some book but I don't remember where well it must be removed said the king very decidedly and he called to the queen who was passing at the moment my dear I wish you would have this cat removed the queen had only one way of settling all difficulties great or small off with his head said the king eagerly and he hurried off Alice thought she might as well go back and see how the game was going on as she heard the queen's voice in the distance screaming with passion she had already heard her sentence three of the players to be executed for having missed their turns and she did not like the look of things at all as the game was in such confusion that she never knew whether it was her turn or not and the hedgehog was engaged in a fight with another hedgehog which seemed to Alice an excellent opportunity for croaking one of them with the other the only difficulty was that her flamingo was gone across to the other side of the garden where Alice could see a trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a tree by the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it back the fight was over and both the hedgehogs were out of sight without Alice as all the arches are gone from this side of the ground so she tucked it away under her arm that it might not escape again and went back to have a little more conversation with her friend when she got back to the Cheshire cat she was surprised to find quite a large crowd collected around it there was a dispute going on between the executioner the king and the queen who were all talking at once were quite silent and looked very uncomfortable the moment Alice appeared she was appealed to by all three to settle the question and they repeated their arguments to her though as they all spoke at once she found it very hard to make out exactly what they said the executioner's argument was that you couldn't cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from that he had never had to do such a thing before and he wasn't going to begin at his time of life the king's argument was that anything that had a head could be beheaded and that you were to talk nonsense the queen's argument was that if something wasn't done about it in less than no time she'd have everybody executed all round it was this last remark that had made the whole party look so grave and anxious Alice could think of nothing else to say but it belongs to the Duchess you'd better ask her about it she's in prison the queen said to the executioner fetch her here and the executioner went off like an arrow the cat's head began fading away the moment he was gone and by the time he had come back with the Duchess it had entirely disappeared so the king and the executioner ran wildly up and down looking for it while the rest of the party ended section 37 section 38 of the junior classics volume 6 bold fashioned tales this is a labor box recording while labor box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit laborbox.org the junior classics volume 6 bold fashioned tales Alice in Wonderland you can't think how glad I am to see you again you dear old thing said the Duchess as she tucked her arm affectionately into Alice's and they walked off together Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the kitchen when I'm a Duchess she said to herself in a very hopeful tone though I won't have any pepper in my kitchen at all soup does very well without maybe it's always pepper that makes people hot tempered she went on very much pleased at having found out a new kind of rule and vinegar that makes them sour and camomile that makes them bitter and barley sugar and such things that make children sweet tempered I only wish people knew that then they wouldn't be so stingy about it you know she had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear you are thinking about something my dear and that makes you forget to talk I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is but I shall remember it in a bit perhaps it hasn't won Alice ventured to remark what child said the Duchess everything's got a moral if only you can find it and she squeezed herself up closer to Alice's side as she spoke Alice did not much like her keeping so close to her first because the Duchess was very ugly and secondly because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin on Alice's shoulder and it wasn't uncomfortably sharp chin however she was rude so she bore it as well as she could the game's going on rather better now she said by way of keeping up the conversation a little tis so said the Duchess and the moral of that is oh tis love tis love that makes the world go round somebody said Alice whispered that it's done by everybody minding their own business so she pulled her chin into Alice's shoulder as she added and the moral of that is take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves how fond she is of finding morals and things Alice thought to herself I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm around your waist the Duchess said after a pause the reason is that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo shall I try the experiment he might bite cautiously replied not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried very true said the Duchess flamingo's and mustered both bite and the moral of that is birds of a feather flock together only mustard isn't a bird Alice remarked right as usual said the Duchess what a clear way you have of putting things it's a mineral I think said Alice said the Duchess who seemed ready to agree to everything that Alice said there's a large mustard mine near here and the moral of that is the more there is of mine the less there is of yours oh I know exclaimed Alice who had not attended to this last remark it's a vegetable it doesn't look like one but it is I quite agree with you what you would seem to be or if you'd like it put more simply never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise I think I should understand that better Alice said very politely if I had it written down but I can't quite follow it as you say it that's nothing to what I could say if I chose the Duchess replied in a please tone pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that said Alice oh don't talk about trouble said the Duchess I make you a present of everything I've said as yet a cheap sort of present thought Alice I'm glad people don't give birthday presents like that but she did not venture to say it out loud again the Duchess asked with another dig of her sharp little chin I have a right to think said Alice sharply for she was beginning to feel a little worried just about as much right said the Duchess as pigs have to fly and the M but here to Alice's great surprise the Duchess's voice died away even in the middle of her favorite word moral linked into hers began to tremble Alice looked up and there stood the Queen in front of them with her arms folded frowning like a thunderstorm a fine day your majesty the Duchess began in a low weak voice now I give you fair warning shouted the Queen stamping on the ground as she spoke either you or your head must be off and that in about half no time take your choice the Duchess took her choice and was gone in a moment let's go on with the game the Queen said to Alice and Alice was too much frightened to say a word but slowly followed her back to the croquet ground the other guests had taken advantage of the Queen's absence and were resting in the shade however the moment they saw her they hurried back to the game the Queen merely remarking they had lost them their lives all the time they were playing the Queen never left off quarreling with the other players and shouting off with his head or off with her head those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers who of course had to leave off being arches to do this so that by the end of half an hour or so there were no arches left and all the players the Queen and Alice were in custody and under sentence of execution then the Queen left off quite out of breath and said to Alice have you seen the mock turtle yet no said Alice I don't even know what a mock turtle is it's the thing mock turtle soup is made from said the Queen I never saw one or heard of one said Alice come on then said the Queen here Alice heard the King say in a low voice to the company generally you are all pardoned come that's a good thing she said to herself for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered they very soon came upon a griffin lying fast asleep in the sun up lazy thing said the Queen and take this young lady to see the mock turtle and to hear his history I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered and she walked off leaving Alice alone with the griffin Alice did not quite like the look of the creature but on the whole she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen so she waited the griffin set up and rubbed its eyes then it watched the Queen till she was out of sight the griffin half to itself half to Alice what is the fun said Alice why she said the griffin it's all her fancy that they never executes nobody you know come on everybody says come on here thought Alice and she went slowly after it I never was so ordered about before in all my life getting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock and as they came nearer Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break she pitted him deeply what is his sorrow she asked the griffin and the griffin answered very nearly in the same words as before it's all his fancy that he hasn't got no sorrow you know come on so they went up to the mock turtle but said nothing this here young lady said the griffin she wants for to know your history she do I'll tell it her said the mock turtle in a deep hollow tone sit down both of you and don't speak a word till I've finished so they sat down and nobody spoke for some minutes Alice thought to herself I don't see how he can ever finish if he doesn't begin the mock turtle at last with a deep sigh I was a real turtle these words were followed by a very long silence broken only by an occasional exclamation of sheher from the griffin and the constant heavy sobbing of the mock turtle Alice was very nearly getting up and saying thank you sir for your interesting story but she could not help thinking there must be more to come the mock turtle went on at last more calmly though still sobbing a little now and then we went to school in the sea the master was an old turtle we used to call him tortoise why did you call him tortoise if he wasn't one Alice asked we called him tortoise because he taught us said the mock turtle angrily really you are very dull you ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question he was very silent and looked at poor Alice who felt ready to sink into the earth at last the griffin said to the mock turtle drive on old fellow don't be all day about it and he went on in these words yes we went to school in the sea though you may not believe it I never said I didn't interrupted Alice you did said the mock turtle hold your tongue added the griffin before Alice could speak again you are not the best of educations in fact we went to school every day I've been to a day school too said Alice you needn't be so proud as all that with extras asked the mock turtle a little anxiously yes said Alice we learned French and music and washing said the mock turtle certainly not said Alice indignantly with a tone of great relief now at ours they had at the end of the bill French music and washing extra you couldn't have wanted it much said Alice living at the bottom of the sea I couldn't afford to learn it said the mock turtle with a sigh I only took the regular course what was that inquired Alice really and writhing the mock turtle replied and then the different branches of arithmetic ambition distraction aglification and derision I never heard of aglification Alice ventured to say what is it the griffin lifted up both its paws in surprise never heard of aglifying it exclaimed you know what to beautify is I suppose yes anything prettier well then the griffin went on if you don't know what to aglify is you are a simpleton Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it so she turned to the mock turtle and said what else had you to learn well there was mystery the mock turtle replied counting off the subjects on his flappers mystery geography then drawing the drawing master was an old conger eel that used to come once a week he taught us drawing stretching and fainting in coils what was that like said Alice well I can't show it you myself the mock turtle said I'm too stiff I went to the classical master though he was an old crab he was I never went to him the mock turtle said with a sigh he taught laughing and grief they used to say so he did so he did said the griffin sighing in his turn and both creatures hid their faces in their paws and how many hours a day did you do lessons said Alice what was the first day said the mock turtle nine the next and so on what a curious plan exclaimed Alice that's the reason they're called lessons the griffin remarked because they lessened from day to day this was quite a new idea to Alice and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark then the eleventh day must have been a holiday of course it was Alice went on eagerly that's enough about lessons the griffin interrupted in a very decided tone tell her something about the games now end of section 38 section 39 of the junior classics volume 6 old fashioned tales this is a liberfox recording all liberfox recordings are in the public domain for more information please visit liberfox.org recording by phone the junior classics volume 6 old fashioned tales Alice in Wonderland the lobster quadril by Lewis Carroll the mock turtle sighed deeply and drew the back of one flapper across his eyes he looked at Alice and tried to speak with his voice same as if he had a bone in his throat said the griffin and it said to work shaking him and punching him in the back at last the mock turtle recovered his voice and with tears running down his cheeks he went on again you may not have lived much under the sea I haven't said Alice and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster Alice began to say I once tasted but checked herself hastily and said no never so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a lobster quadril is no indeed said Alice what sort of dance is it why said the griffin you first form into a line along the seashore two lines cried the mock turtle seals, turtles, salmon and so on then when you've cleared all the jellyfish out of the way that generally takes some time interrupted the griffin you advance twice each with a lobster as a partner cried the griffin of course the mock turtle said advance twice said to partners these lobsters and retire in the same order continued the griffin then you know the mock turtle went on you throw the the lobsters shouted the griffin with a bound into the air as far out to sea as you can swim after them screamed the griffin turn a somersault in the sea cried the mock turtle capering wildly about changed lobsters again yelled the griffin at the top of its voice back to land again and that's all the first figure said the mock turtle suddenly dropping his voice and the two creatures who had been jumping about like mad things all this time sat down again very sadly and quietly and looked at Alice it must be a very pretty dance said Alice timidly would you like to see a little of it said the mock turtle very much indeed said Alice come let's try the first figure set the mock turtle to the griffin we can do it without lobsters you know which shall sing oh you sing said the griffin I've forgotten the words so they began solemnly dancing round and round Alice every now and then treading on her toes when they passed too close and waving their forepaws to mark the time while the mock turtle sang this very slowly and sadly will you walk a little faster said the white chain to a snail there's a poor voice close behind us and he's treading on my tail see how eager little lobsters and the turtles all advance day you're waiting on the shingle will you come will you come and join the dance will you won't you will you won't you will you join the dance will you won't you will you won't you won't you join the dance you can really have no notion how delightful it will be when they take us up and throw us with the lobsters out to sea but the snail replied too far too far and gave a locus scorned said he thanked a white link kindly but he would not join the dance would not could not would not could not would not join the dance would not could not would not could not could not join the dance what matters is how far we go his scaly friend replied there is another shore you know upon the other side the further from England the nearer is to France then turn out pale beloved snail would come join the dance will you won't you will you won't you will you join the dance will you won't you will you won't you won't you join the dance thank you it's a very interesting dance to watch said Alice feeling very glad that it was over at last and I do so like that curious song about the whiting oh asked to the whiting said the mock turtle they you've seen them of course yes said Alice she checked herself hastily I don't know where din may be said the mock turtle you've seen them so often of course you know what they're like I believe so Alice replied thoughtfully they have their tails in their mouths and they're all over crumbs you're wrong about the crumbs said the mock turtle crumbs would all wash off in the sea but they have their tails in their mouths and the reason is here the mock turtle yawned and shut his eyes tell her about the reason and all that he said to the griffin the reason is said the griffin that they would go with the lobsters to the dance so they got thrown out to sea so they had to fall a long way so they got their tails fast in their mouths so they couldn't get them out again that's all it's very interesting I never knew so much about the waiting before I can tell you more than that if you like said the griffin do you know why it's called a waiting I never thought about it said Alice why it does the boots and shoes the griffin replied very solemnly Alice was thoroughly puzzled does the boots and shoes she repeated in a wondering tone why what are your shoes done with said the griffin I mean what makes them so shiny Alice looked down at them and considered a little before she gave her answer they're done with blacking I believe boots and shoes under the sea the griffin went on in a deep voice are done with waiting now you know and what are they made of Alice asked in a tone of great curiosity souls and eels of course the griffin replied rather impatiently any shrimp could have told you that if I'd been waiting said Alice whose thoughts were still running on the song I'd have said to the porpoise keep back please we don't want you with us they were obliged to have him with them the mock turtle said no wise fish would go anywhere without the porpoise wouldn't it really said Alice in a tone of great surprise of course not said the mock turtle why if a fish came to me and told me he was going a journey I should say with what porpoise don't you mean purpose said Alice I mean what I say the mock turtle replied in an offended tone come let's hear some of your adventures I could tell you my adventures beginning from this morning said Alice a little timidly but it's no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then explain all that said the mock turtle no no the adventures first said the griffin in an impatient tone explanations take such a dreadful time so Alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she first saw the white rabbit she was a little nervous about it just at first the two creatures got so close to her one on each side and opened their eyes and melts so very wide but she gained courage as she went on her listeners were perfectly quiet till she got to the part about her repeating you are old father William to the caterpillar the words all coming different and then the mock turtle drew a long breath and said that's very curious it's all about as curious as it can be said the griffin it all came different the mock turtle repeated thoughtfully I should like to hear her try and repeat something now tell her to begin he looked at the griffin as if he thought that's the voice stand up and repeat tis the voice of the sluggered said the griffin how do creatures order one about and make one repeat lessons thought Alice I might just as well be at school at once however she got up and began to repeat it but her head was so full of the lobster quadril that she hardly knew what she was saying and the words came very clear indeed tis the voice of the lobster I heard and declare you have baked me too brown I must sugar my hair as a duck with his eyelids so he with his nose trims his belt and his buttons and turns out his toes when the sands are all dry he is gay as a lark and will talk in contemptuous tones of the shark but when the tide rises and sharks are around his voice has a timid and tremulous sound that's different from what I used to say when I was a child said the griffin well I never heard it before said the mock turtle but it sounds uncommon nonsense Alice said nothing she had sat down with her face in her hands wondering if anything would ever happen in a natural way again I should like to have it explained said the mock turtle she can't explain it said the griffin hastily go on with the next verse but about his toes the mock turtle persisted how could he turn him out with his nose you know it's the first position in dancing Alice said but she was dreadfully puzzled by the whole thing and longed to change the subject go on with the next verse the griffin repeated it begins by passed by his garden Alice did not dare to disobey though she felt sure it would all come wrong and she went on in a trembling voice I passed by his garden and marked with one eye how the owl and the panther were sharing a pie the panther took pie crust and gravy and meat while the owl had the dish as it shared the treat when the pie was all finished the owl as a boom was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon while the panther received knife and fork with a growl and concluded the banquet by what is the use of repeating all that stuff the mock turtle interrupted if you don't explain it as you go on it's by far the most confusing thing I ever heard yes I think you'd better leave off said the griffin and Alice was only too glad to do so shall we try another figure of the lobster quadril the griffin went on or would you like to mock turtle to sing you another song oh a song please if the mock turtle would be so kind Alice replied so eagerly that the griffin said in a rather offended tone no accounting for tastes sing her turtle soup will you old fellow the mock turtle sighed deeply and began in a voice choked with sobs to sing this beautiful soup so rich and green waiting in a hot jury who for such dainties would not stoop soup of the evening beautiful soup soup of the evening beautiful soup beautiful soup beautiful soup soup of the evening beautiful beautiful soup Who cares for fish, game, or any other dish, Who would not give all else for too many worth Only of beautiful stoop, many worth only of beautiful soup, beautiful soup, beautiful soup, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Corus again, cried the griffon, and the mock turtle had just begun to repeat it, when a cry of, The trial's beginning was heard in the distance. Come on, cried the griffon, and, taking Alice by the hand, it hurried off without waiting for the end of the song. What trial is it, Alice panted as she ran, but the griffon only answered, Come on, and ran the faster, while more and more faintly came, carried on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy words, soup of the evening, beautiful, beautiful soup, end of section 39, recording by phone.