 Howdy folks, Mayor Hightower here with a friendly reminder that everything is fine. You may have heard some nasty rumors about a dangerous China virus. Well, rest assured my staff and I are hard at work coming up with racist nicknames to call it. Hello friends, Mayor Buck Schwartzmore here. Everything's fine. You don't need to buy masks. Everybody's been buying up masks. You don't need to. They don't protect you. They might even be counterproductive. Who knows? Stop buying masks. Also if anybody knows how to short stock on Robin Hood for a completely unrelated reason if you would get in touch with me, I'd appreciate that. We don't shut down schools in Virginia unless it's for desegregation, but that only lasted a year or so. I think it's important right now to have a good strong showing of leadership to indicate that I'm, you know, doing stuff. So we're going to institute social distancing here. No one can gather in any group larger than my reelection donor dinner. I have it on good authority that this cung flu will be all done by Easter, maybe even by Jewish Easter. About the CDC tests, it turns out they were just a mood ring super glued to thermometers so no luck there. I did talk to our health officials. We're bringing in a truckload of that aquarium cleaner. Real good results coming out of Italy. Yes, I did lie to you about the masks, but I only lied to you because I was afraid you'd hoard them. A, that's on you. B, you're welcome. I never said that old people are expendable. I said they are non-essential. Today I'm going to show you how to make your own mask using a bandana, some coffee filters and elastic. Make our very own mask at home with an old t-shirt and some rubber bands. Hey, what do I need to do to get some of that stimulus money? From the neck tie and half a coconut. Yeah, I'm a small business. I'm a regional airline? Great. Yeah, 8 million should cover it. From some plastic tubing and your kid's stuffed animals. Okay, so in addition to obligatory masks, from now on for protection reasons, if you go outside you need to wear a condom. Male or female? I don't care. Put on a condom. We are now banning all groups larger than three. If you've got more than one kid, pick one, okay? Be honest, you probably already have. I've decided to suspend all marriage licenses. The following individuals have been identified as witches who, through intercourse with the devil, have brought pestilence to our land. Goody Hancock, Goody Hornbecker. They're telling us that our food pellets will be delivered every Monday by one of those robot dogs from that one episode of Black Mirror. Goody Wayfair. Just anybody named Goody. District 7 has selected its tributes for the game. The U.S. dollar is no longer legal tender. The only currency is masks and bullets. We sent Bruce Willis back in time to stop the pandemic before it even happens. Periosa has abandoned our people and made refuge with the bullet farmers. Imagine there is no heaven. It's easy if you try. Okay then. Back to porn.