 Whoa, what is going on? Ooh, that's a hot mug, guys. Mm, Alice let me in the dress, and the cast is... You're perfect. Yeah, I'm reviewing it. After doing the Patreon poll and reviewing the prestige as was originally selected, I actually couldn't pass up reviewing the Twilight series. It's a film series that obviously is shrouded in crap reviews and the cast absolutely hating the project, the completely convoluted and very damaging means of a relationship that is had between Bella and Edward and somehow I just never watched any of it. The only time I ever watched anything was when I was in a video store and I watched the baseball scene on TV because the one of the girls who were behind the kiosk who worked there loved the movie and I remember just ripping it to shreds until now. And I will have to say, this movie is not entirely as bad as I thought it would be. It's still terrible, but it's not like the peak of awful. And that's because there's some competent work put into this film. Despite the obvious recognition that the Twilight films had, the first film is made by competent people. The path from Hardwick, director of films like 13, which was a fantastic coming-of-age movie back in the early 2000s with even Rachel Wood. And then you got Melissa Rosenberg, who wrote the screenplay, obviously based it off of freaking Stephanie Meyers' terrible writing. But she would go on to create the Jessica Jones show. And then you got Robert Pattinson, who despite the awful dialogue and the awful character actions that his character portrays, you can see he's trying so hard in this movie. He is trying so hard to give a competent character, even though he's basically got the odds stacked against him before he even starts. And there's a few other actors in the background, particularly Anna Kendrick, who this is one of her big starts. The cinematography in this movie also isn't that bad either, actually. There's some pretty decent camera work in the film. Yes, there's a bit of an overindulgence use of Dutch angles and whatnot. It's better than all of the Resident Evil movies were shot, essentially. It's got great composition for a lot of it. Sure, the color palette is a bit boring, but they really make use of the scenery and the area that they're shooting in, and there's some pretty decent direction. But there is obviously the giant elephant in the room, Kirsten Stewart's acting. It's dreadful. It's really bad in this movie. And I have two theories as to why. One, Stephanie Meyers most likely was on the set all the time, and she's the one who's constantly giving feedback to the directors about how they want their product to be created and portrayed. And I've seen this on sets. I've seen the creative conflictions that happen between the two. Sometimes it can be better. Sometimes the writer can be right more than the director, and other times it can be the opposite. And it's clearly what's going on here because Kirsten Stewart's acting and directing just her direction is terrible. Her line delivery is barbarically bad. Her constant fits in her face are just strange attempts at trying to be awkward, I guess. And then the essential crux of her character is a wet paper bag. She has absolutely no interesting characteristics to her. And all she is is obsessed with Edward, even though Edward is trying to tell her, hey, I've killed people. Hey, I'm a monster. I am literally bred to kill people. She's like, I don't care, I want you. There's supposed to be a give and take kind of in relationships like this, but there's absolutely none. It's just this bizarre over-enthusiastic infatuation with him. And then how he reciprocates the relationship when they start dating, when he's watching her while she sleeps, he's stalking her. This is obviously tanking to an nth degree with the Fifty Shades of Grey characters. This is still lowbrow for high school teenagers. This is illegal. This isn't a good thing to do. Like, this is bad. This is not a good portrayal of teenage romance. There is one moment where Bella actually does kind of think for herself. She figures out, after all of the extreme displays of obviousness, that Edward is in fact a vampire. The fact that she didn't pick that up from his incredibly pale motherfucking face, as well as having a near-on orgasm when he smelled her, she's able to figure that out for her own sake, so give her that point, but that's it. Other than that, she has absolutely no characteristics to speak of, except she's probably into some kinky shit, because she's just completely on board with anything that Edward's doing. Anything and everything that he does or suggests, she's like, yeah, let's do it. It's so strange to watch, especially when it comes into the final part of the film, when the climax, you would say, happens. For about an hour and a half, the majority of the movie is her relationship with Edward, and just them getting to know each other terribly in this cringy, cringy, cringy, goddamn dialogue between the two. But all the while, there's this sort of story on the background going on with James, Victoria, and the other vampire, apparently they've been killing people in the town. And that comes to absolutely nothing until James gets a whiff of her, and he's like, yeah, I'm gonna go hunter. And that's it. And this is supposed to be the villain of the movie, who they introduced, literally in like the last 30 minutes of the movie. You feel no tension, you don't care. Bella just gets beaten up in this movie, she doesn't do anything during the final fight scene, except be saved, which is obviously another characteristic of her. She's just constantly being saved. She doesn't do anything for her own self. She's not a empowering or any forward-to-forward acting character on her own. This last half, which is supposed to be the action-packed part, I guess you would call it, I don't care. I'm bored. And at the very end of the movie, when they're having their dance at the prom, the junior prom, you see Victoria in the window, she turns around and I'm like, cool? Who cares? Again, it's not terrible. There's some CG that obviously is just like stupidly, very poorly put together. I don't get the sparkling vampire thing. I don't get it at all. I know there's a lot of other bad shit that happens in this movie that I could be talking about, but I feel like everyone else has done that to death. I'm really focusing on how the film was structured. I will say there's one shot where the two of them are up in a tree and it pans out to a wide angle, showing the whole valley, and I don't know how they did it. I watched it a few times to see if they were CG'd in and I couldn't tell you if they were. It actually perplexed me. I'm going to give the movie props for that. That was pretty well put together. But on the whole, obviously the film is terrible. Bella is a non-interesting character who everyone seems to be interested in. She has absolutely nothing to compare her to the audience. She has no individuality. She has no comparable notes. She is literally a vessel for the audience to watch and try and emulate their own sort of personality. I've heard that be tossed around, but it doesn't work in the film because we're supposed to be seeing a character. We're not supposed to imagine the character as our own. We're supposed to see this interpretation of this character. And it's terrible to have a main character be so utterly bland, uninteresting, uninspiring, uncreative, and completely lacking in forward thinking. I don't know how you can get attached to this. It's literally you're just gushing on Pattinson, who, like I said, he's trying. There is a decent-ish performance buried under all of the crap he has to go through. You could tell he was trying his hardest when he was doing this movie. I think that was kind of the idea for everyone. Everyone in this film, aside from Taylor Lautner, has gone on to do good things for themselves. They've gone on to kind of forward their careers in different means. It left a mark on some, but some were able to obviously push past it, considerably being Robert Pattinson and even Kristen Stewart in some ways. I've held off this number for long enough. Let's just get this over with. I'm going to get a Twilight, a two out of seven. It's not the end of the world, but I've heard that the next one is worse. And yes, you are correct. I will be watching the second one. I might even watch all of them. It depends on how much they kill me. Anyways, guys, that's all for me. I hope you enjoyed the review. If you did, leave a like and if you're interested in more subscribe. Otherwise, I'll see you guys next time. I'll see you guys soon.