 I found this distinguish. I found in nice guys and so I'm sure it's true in nice girls as well. There are two types of nice guys. One is the I call it I'm so good nice guy. The other is the I'm so bad nice guy. I'm so good nice guy category. I think I do everything so well. Everybody should think I'm great. Now deep down inside in this really dark tightly locked box is my toxic shame that I work really hard to avoid ever having to feel or experience the sense that I'm not okay. That's why I work so hard to be good is because deep inside I don't feel okay. That's the I'm so good nice guy. If everybody got to know me everybody would love me. The I'm so bad nice guy is often the guy that started rebelling or acting out oppositionally defiant behavior at a young age maybe start drinking doing pot dropped out of school you know fucked up a lot and then maybe you know got married or had a kid or found Jesus or you got in the military and they got their life in order but now they're trying to be a nice guy but deep inside they still think if anybody gets gets close to me they're going to find out how messed up I really am. So that's the I'm so bad nice guy. So by finding a safe person a coach a therapist a group a 12 step program a minister rabbi whatever and beginning to reveal yourself you begin to release toxic shame and that that is so so unburdening so liberating and you start getting more accurate feedback from a safe person is to who you really are yeah and you know you might say for I'll give you an example I was leading a men's workshop several years ago and there's a guy in there um early 40s African-American um and he just carried so much toxic shame and so during this workshop I just asked him what what what is your deepest shame shameful thing about you and he told a story that when he was like 14 he stole a car stereo and because of that ever since he's just believed he's the most terrible human being and like all the other men and then in this workshop looked at him he was a small group about eight ten guys and they said really that's it we all did stupid stuff when we were 14 you know that that's that's like probably small change and like he got accurate information that doing a stupid 14-year-old thing did not make him a horrible person and that was that one thing was just liberating to him to he could quit beating himself up for being this terrible person so we get more accurate feedback as to as to who we are by by revealing ourselves to say people we also get to practice being honest and that was such a big thing for me nice guys think we're you know we're so great we're so this we're so that you know we you know give us a parade give us confetti whatever but the truth is most guys most nice guys are extremely dishonest we only reveal what what we think you know you want to hear we hide anything that might get the negative reaction we twist the truth we leave it out we embellish it we misdirect your attention and so one of the first things I realized I had to do was just start being an honest person so being in a safe environment let me practice telling my entire truth with people that weren't going to like overreact or abandon me that then let me begin practicing it with the people who I was most afraid of overreacting or abandoning me family partner good close friends and so having that safe place let's just release shame get more accurate information of who we are and let's just practice being a more honest person so that is where I recommend people start this is so interesting okay I'm very glad I had you on I had a great time with like Adam Lane Smith I was like this all makes sense it's so interesting so this is very cool so that's why Alanon is such a huge thing right because you connect with somebody and who cares if like what's the risk of telling them your deepest darkest secrets it's not like your family right they're not necessarily going to care yeah you know in I'll tell you a short story when I was like to early in this process I was in this 12 step group and I had a therapist a female therapist and pretty early on I had a dark sexual impulse I didn't act on it but just the fact that I noticed myself having this dark impulse really scared me now the old previous me probably never would have let that impulse even get into conscious awareness but when it did because I was practicing letting stuff come into conscious awareness it scared me it scared me I didn't act on it and that felt good but it felt bad that I even could think something so dark and so I went to my 12 step group and told them this dark impulse that I had and you know the only reaction you ever get in a 12 step group is you know thank you for sharing you know that's it you know nobody goes oh you're a horrible human being how could you even think of something you know it just thank you for sharing and and most of the guys in this group their lives were so freaking out of control they're probably thinking that's it that's the worst that's the worst you got to bring to us so I told them and it was such a relief to just speak it out loud and just not carried around inside of me where eventually it would have either kept fueling a lot of shame for having the impulse or perhaps it might have even gotten acted on right if I didn't deal with it and bring it out in the open so I went to my 12 step group told them no big negative reaction so I actually had an appointment with my therapist like an hour after the group so I drove over to her office and I'm thinking same thing I'm going to tell this female therapist this dark sexual impulse she's going to think I'm a terrible human being blah blah blah but I told her and just you know I told her the impulse and she just looked at me with compassion and said well let's explore what that story's about and like I'm going that's it that's as terrible of reaction as I'm going to get so I get done with the therapy session I'm driving home my my second wife I used to tell her that her middle name ought to be overreact because that's what she did in every situation and so I'm driving home to to miss overreact to tell and I'm thinking I gotta tell her I gotta tell her you know I think I already told my 12 step group already told my therapist I'm batting a thousand if I tell her and she overreacts and has a terrible reaction to it I'm still 666 great batting average no problem and so I'm driving home soothing myself right and I'm not rehearsing the story because if I'm just gonna tell her the truth I just gotta tell her the truth and I get home and I say I got something I gotta talk with you about took her back to the bedroom we sat on the bed and I said here's the thing I said I want you know already talked to my 12 step group already talked to my therapist but the thing I want to tell you about is I had this impulse I didn't act on it but I had it I've talked about it I've gotten it out I needed to tell you about it and she just looked at me and said that kind of scares me it doesn't surprise me and I'm glad you told me and she never brought it up again never reacted never used it against me and I'm sitting there thinking this is like magic you know all you have to do is just reveal just tell and and you know it's when we're keeping the secrets and hiding the things that people sense something is wrong and out of whack that's what most people are reacting to is what what doesn't seem true or aligned and me just sitting down and saying here's the truth after having already practiced that with safe people let me then do it with somebody that I did have fear that she might have a negative reaction and and I'm grateful that she didn't and that because that helped reinforce I can keep revealing myself and I can handle whatever the reaction is that people might have yeah that's very interesting I like that you pointed out it's the the hidden things that create fear that people are reacting to it's like what are you not saying how bad could it be and I guess if you shove something down on yourself and you think it's that bad you're going to give off those I don't know that energy that people around you like look how bad a person I am yeah even if it's not necessarily that bad yeah they and they do sense it I mean I tell men that for example that and that I found that women are especially sensitive to to this energy to to repressed energy they they they get it that now I know a lot of women will like then project what they think it's about but yeah oh guys I'll tell guys for example let's say you're driving down the street with with your girlfriend or your wife or whatever and and you've got gas and you don't you don't want to rip one right there and so you're repressing you're holding the gas back you're being a good person a good citizen right by by not ripping apart you know while you're driving down the road but you're repressing something and not saying anything about it your woman is sitting there next to going there's some up there's something going on with it he's holding something back he's repressing something oh I know he was looking at that woman's breasts on the corner back there and he's still thinking about her breasts he's thinking you know and and then the woman will create this big story yeah all of a sudden they're having some big fight because she'll accuse him of the thing that she projected and he was just trying to be a good guy and you know holding the hell and gas back and that goes on all the time in relationships uh is is one person holding back and the other person sensing it having some visceral reaction to it and often creating a story to go with it that's usually a projection of their own personal story from their own past experiences and now all of a sudden you know they're often fighting about something that didn't even happen but something was happening that never got spoken of it's it's the meta thing but most people never really fight about the thing they're fighting about they're fighting they're fighting about some meta type thing but now they're talking they're arguing about this but it's usually something different than that