 Today, we're going to discuss Individu... You've separated from the narcissist willingly or unwillingly you were able to silence the narcissist interject the narcissist voice in your head What next? Separation to paraphrase President Bush separation accomplished now onward Soldiers Christian and Jewish Onward to individuation, which is a topic of today's video My name is Sam Buckney. I'm the author of malignant self-love Narcissism visited and a former visiting professor of psychology Before I start though, I would like to make a public appeal On behalf of of this guy the The Russians just arrested a journalist Evan Gershkov is And This journalist is a Wall Street journalist, but he has written to for the New York Times and many other many other cases He was arrested. I think last night or or this morning The the article is is dated today March 30th. So I'm not quite sure when he was arrested. I Would like to appeal to you on his behalf Do whatever you can write to the Russian Embassy in your country Protest and so on so forth. I happen. I happen to have come across this guy I used to be the editor-in-chief of one of the biggest websites for Geopolitics global politician. I was the editor of chief of global politician and I was also a member of the analyst network and so on these two Internet domiciles. I came across his amazing amazing investigative work and very courageous In Russia and then much later in Ukraine. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been framed And I would ask you to do whatever you can The small small every small bit helps Evan Gershkovich Arrested in Russia last night or this morning. I'm not quite sure This is the BBC Article, but you can find news articles on CNN and everywhere Okay from Russia To individuation You've suffered enough. Let's get to the point Why is it so difficult to separate and individuate from the narcissist before we proceed You should watch the video titled The video which deals with a narcissist serpent voice Because and you should also watch the interview that I've given Regarding the four steps you should take Before you attend therapy for narcissistic abuse Because if you don't do these things If you don't separate from the narcissist If you don't silence the narcissist voice inside your head Nothing will help you no therapy The narcissist is firmly lodged in your mind The narcissist talks to you Negates you puts you down Destroys you from the inside like some toxic miasma So you need to get get a hold of this process and then you need to reverse it Otherwise No amount of commiserating with other victims Venting or attending therapy would help you. Why is that? Why is the narcissist a special subspecies of abuser? Why doesn't this happen with other types of abusers and he doesn't? Well, because the narcissist is a duality It's like the wave particle in quantum mechanics once One one at one time the narcissist is a wave and at another time It's a particle and yet and yet it's the same entity The narcissist sometimes Is your abuser and at other times your savior your rescuer your best friend ever At one time The narcissist reifies your death Your mental death He reifies extinguishing he reifies Your disappearance assimilation He consumes you and then digests you He empties you and hollows you from the inside. He is he is the green ripper And at other times The narcissist is your life force. He energizes you. He eggs you on. He's your greatest fan and supporter at one time The narcissist is punitive hateful resentful He's out to destroy you to devastate you to ruin you And at other times The narcissist is your substitute mother He loves you unconditionally. He accepts you exactly as you are He idealizes you and puts you on pedestal And it is this duality Also known as negative Intermittent reinforcement It is this duality that makes it exceedingly difficult for you to say goodbye externally And internally you can break up with the narcissist in your real life And he may upset himself having devalued and discarded you, but he is inside your mind And so it's very difficult It's very difficult to break up with the narcissist in your mind Because the narcissist is not a single malevolent demonic entity The narcissist is a contradiction in terms It's mutual exclusivity Reified it's all good and all bad in one body and one mind his mind You have been subjected to the impossible Mixed signals at extremis Who is the narcissist? Who was the narcissist in your life? Did he hate you? Did he love you? Did he save you from yourself? Did he give you another second childhood? Did he afford you self-love via your idealized image or was he merely out to penalize you? For offenses which either to remain unclear What is this duality? And this is why it makes it almost impossible To separate from the narcissist and to silence the voice inside your head That is actually the narcissist interject the narcissist voice the narcissist representation in your mind the narcissist avatar The internal object that is the narcissist collaborates with the narcissist this trojan horse That you cannot expel out of the gates of your fortified mind This fifth column that is working from the inside to undermine and challenge you Your identity your beliefs your values your hopes your wishes your dreams your preferences your priorities everything everything Is corroded eroded by the narcissist voice and yet It's extremely difficult to silence it initially because the narcissist voice is a hybrid sometimes It speaks to you in the language of a mother or a father And sometimes it speaks to you in forked tongues Sometimes it's devilish And sometimes it's angelic It's a morality play unfolding within your mind inexorably and there's so little you can do about it And yet somehow You're entranced and enthralled By this morality play sometimes somehow you want to be there to see how it unfolds to convince yourself that maybe Just maybe it wasn't all bad Maybe just maybe you had benefited somehow Cognitive dissonance you have to somehow Prove to yourself That you weren't naive and stupid and gullible that your mate selection was more or less okay That the narcissist was A lover not a hater A mother Not an abuser Life Not death and of course it's all counterfactual it's on nonsense So you need to separate from the narcissist physically Then you need to separate from the narcissist mentally by silencing his voice inside your head and Go to the description. There are links to videos which deal with how to do this Today we're going to limit ourselves to the last phase The last phase of healing from narcissistic abuse The phase of individuation once the narcissist voice has been silenced You should move on to become again A personality a personhood to reacquire personhood. Why do you need to do that? Because the narcissist infantilizes you The narcissist regresses you to age two Where he is he is also age two. He wants a playmate He wants you to be to be two years old as well and his mother at the same time so The dual mothership concept he becomes your mother And you become his mother. He is a two-year-old to you and you are a two-year-old to him And so he regresses you infantilizes you and now As a two-year-old You don't have knowledge of the world You're defenseless. You have no theory of mind or none that's working too well You have no theory of the world. You have no internal working model. You need to reconstruct. You need to rebuild from scratch You need to grow up in a adultify and become an adult You need you need to go through the entire trajectory of personal development Because it's all been erased It's all been erased by the Deleted by the onslaught of the narcissists and training enchanting magical voice Within the shared fantasy You have created a narrative of enchantment and magic This is why it's a fantasy and that's why it is shared You need to extricate it yourself by Again becoming an individual with boundaries You know where you end and the world begins Reestablish proper reality testing Individuation is by far the most difficult phase In healing from narcissistic abuse because the narcissist voice Once it has been silenced The silence is total The abuser the abuser has been silenced But the savior has been silenced The hater has been silenced And the lover has been silenced The child has been silenced And the mother has been silenced It's a package deal Silencing the narcissist's introject in your mind the narcissist voice means that you lose All these functions negative and positive You were idealized you were loved By the narcissist you saw yourself Through the narcissist gaze and you fell in love with what you have seen Now it's gone The narcissist saved you and rescued you and protected you And provided for you in a variety of ways It's gone Positive things are gone as well as negative ones So What are you left with? It's a little like A cancer surgery A huge chunk of you had been removed and what are you left with a hollowed out Body Your authentic voice is the only thing left but it is disembodied It floats in space It drifts among the clouds of your erstwhile existence Try to get a hold of it try to grasp it And you can't because it's ephemeral It's vapor It's it's it doesn't feel right and true and real Your authentic voice You have been Forced or coerced into divorcing yourself early in the shared fantasy process And so now The authentic voice sounds strange An alien even more than the narcissist voice you need To go through a process called embodying You need to embody your authentic voice to remind you your authentic voice is your real voice Not your mother's voice. Not your father's voice. Not the narcissist voice Not your not the voices of influence influencers and peers and teachers and society at large Not the voices acquired in During socialization or acculturation. None of these voices is yours You have a single Authentic voice Sartre Kierkegaard Kierkegaard Read up Nietzsche even you have a single authentic voice And you must cling to it because this is the only raft you have in a very very royal ocean As the titanic of your shared fantasy is sinking in the background having hit the iceberg of abuse in reality You now need to embody your voice Your authentic voice you need to reconnect it with your body Individuation requires mind body work owning your voice By attaching it or reattaching it To your body So techniques such as EMDR And trauma-based techniques that involve the body. They're very critical as a first phase of individuation Whenever your authentic voice speaks to you you need to somatize it You need to have a somatic reaction. Your body needs to react to it. Your body needs to rejoice At rediscovering your authenticity who you truly are your core identity needs to form inside you And it needs to feel real as if it were some object This core identity This iron globe Of your essence and your quiddity You need to feel it You need to be able to touch it if only if only metaphorically So Body mind work. That's the first stage Having mastered this phase And you're having befriended your body Having begun to trust your body to do some of the healing work for you Because by befriending your body for example, you will learn techniques to reduce ameliorate and mitigate your anxiety So it feels good to be connected to your body And there's a variety of techniques. Well known techniques. I won't go into it. It's known as mind body therapies or mind body work Having accomplished this you move on to the next three phases Phase number two Self-mothering or self-love How to do that? Go to the description Click on the video titled love yourself Here's how the four pillars of self-love I explained there how to become your own mother And how to love and nurture yourself the very functions That were offered to you by the narcissists when you first met fallaciously, of course, the narcissist's goal was never to truly mother you The narcissist's goal was to convert you into his mother and then separate from you cruely and individuate The value and discard is always the only goal of the narcissist in any intimate relationship So you were not receiving self-love what you were receiving from the narcissist was Idealization which is a lie it's a figment of fantasy and then Regressing you to infancy and then as an infant or a baby you fell in love with the idealized image of you as a mother You the narcissist split you Split you apart. He broke you to two pieces One piece was a two-year-old child The other piece was an idealized mother figure That's why you fell in love with yourself. You fell in love with yourself as a child would with his own mother You need to reverse this whole process You need to self-mother via self-love true self-love of yourself as you are Negatives and positives pros and cons words and all shortcomings flaws and failures as well as your strong points know thyself self-awareness self-cognizance Go to go and watch this video Love yourself. Here's how okay. So this is the second stage Of individuation as a part of the healing process The third stage Is self-saving the narcissist Acted or pretended to be your savior and rescuer and fixer and healer Actually, many narcissists pretend to be all these things This is their this is their bait They bait you into the shared fantasy pretending to be exactly these things So you've learned to outsource your saving Your own saving your own rescuing you learn to outsource it to the narcissist take it back Take your power back save yourself rescue yourself fix yourself and heal yourself Develop in other words what is known as agency Become a genetic and self-efficacious Now This is a bit of a complex thing more complex process Again, you can't do it yourself. You need a therapist To teach you how to do the therapist a coach a counselor to teach you how to do this You need to learn To rely on yourself You need to avoid infantilizing yourself You need to Become self-efficacious. You need to accomplish things You need to set realistic goals not grandiose ones And then having materialized them feel good about it. You need to self actualize You need to create a life plan life goals, etc. etc. These are all known techniques No point in rehashing them here develop agency develop autonomy develop independence and develop self-efficacy Define these as your treatment goes with your own therapies and finally the last point the last stage in separating from the narcissist and individuating aka healing from narcissistic abuse The last stage is choose life affirm life This will negate your depression your anxiety your catastrophizing your automatic negative thoughts Choose to be rather than to not be humlet The narcissist wanted you to disappear into him Narcissist merged and fused with you in the process making you vanish Rendering you a non entity an extension of himself and internal object is snapshot of you Take your life back And there's again a video here Take your life back watch it Just take your life back Listen to your silent voice go inside the desert of your mind and make it flower with your essence Listen to all these videos in the description. There's no point in repeating all this and then Go on go forward Into the individuation process It's terrifying this individuation process is about Becoming again is about being reborn and birth is a form of trauma But you need to go through all this you need to become a person with personhood You need to know that you can define who you are And you need to never allow anyone again To tell you Who you are and to hand over your identity to you on a platter It should all come from the outside You should never outsource regulation or any other internal function to anyone else It's too much power to give to other people. I wish you success