 If you're watching my YouTube channel, I suspect it's because you're looking for guidance on how to have a successful relationship, particularly when it comes to understanding men. And I think this is a very common thing for human beings because we all on some level want to feel deeply loved, particularly in a romantic sense. And the reality is these days the dating marketplace can be very convoluted, relationships can be very contentious. There are people that are thirsty for connection with another human being and they chase people or worse, somebody is feeling fear around love and they're avoidant to actually connecting with another human being. And this is very true. If you're familiar with love attachment style, I invite you to read the book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, understanding how we can attach to another human being. Today I wanna talk about the healthier aspects of love and what men in particular seek most in a partner. These are the men I'm talking about particular, the emotionally healthy men who want a significant relationship. Now I talk about emotionally healthy men because the reality is as most human beings are suffering on the inside in some way, shape or form, feeling not good enough, not lovable, not likable. And sadly, dating and relationships can trigger this inner wound like nobody's business. Mainly because most of us have childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas that causes to either be fearful of love or thirsty for love. So I want everybody to take a step back for a moment and ask yourself, have you really been in love with someone? And what I mean to say is, have you been in love with someone who was equally in love with you at the same time? Now I said equally, I don't believe there is such a thing as equally loving another person, but at the same time, what I'm really talking about is, have you been in a relationship ever in your life where it was absolutely healthy? It was absolutely healthy. Now I suspect if you're watching my channel, the probability of that is slim because it might have felt healthy in the beginning, it might have felt good in the beginning and yet something changed, okay? What changed? Maybe they no longer wanted to be in relationship with you. Maybe they shut down emotionally. Maybe they started, their inner wounds began to surface and it causes them to be emotionally constipated. See the reality is is most human beings have weak emotional maturity or should I say, poor emotional maturity and weak relationship skills. So it's no wonder we can find ourselves possibly attached to somebody because they trigger a childhood wound within us that relates to our mother and father only to find out that they're an unhealthy person to be in relationship with. And when I mean unhealthy, I don't mean, it doesn't have to be toxic for it to be unhealthy. And when I'm simply mean by unhealthy, it just doesn't feel good. See, ultimately when you're partnered with someone, you, it should feel good almost all of the time and yet relationships are going to have their struggles. It's important that human beings learn good conflict resolution skills and be willing to work with your partner instead of operating from a place of, I'm right and you're wrong. So the topic is men love women who do this, okay? And I'm gonna share this in a second but I want everybody to take a step back for a second. I think I said that earlier. I was thinking the other day, most of you know I'm in a significant relationship. There's a picture of Marie and I, that was actually at the wedding we went to on technically our second date, if you will. And when I met her, I was thinking back to my past relationships. In fact, yesterday I had dinner with my ex-wife and my son, Colin. There's a picture of him right there graduating high school. Unfortunately, his brother who's in that picture is no longer with us. And I was having a family dinner with our son, just the three of us to celebrate his birthday. And as I'm sitting with her, I mean, we've known each other for 30 plus years, we have a lot of history. And I was thinking to one of the qualities about her that I most appreciate. And while we weren't a relationship meant to last because of a variety of different reasons, I was reflecting on one of the qualities with her that made me love her. And then as I was contemplating this, I was reflecting on my most significant relationship after my divorce, in fact, it was her birthday yesterday. And she had this same similar quality. So by the time I met Marie, what's interesting, and I wanna share this with you, is this is the quality that was most important for me and I believe it's important for most men who want a significant relationship. Now, what was missing in my life, I will be candid with you. I didn't know what it really meant to be in a healthy, happy relationship. I never experienced a truly healthy, happy relationship for, I mean, the fact of the matter is I'm divorced and I had breakups along the way. So clearly I had not experienced it to its totality with someone. The death, do you part type of thing. And it's much like the idea, have any of you burnt your finger on a flame? Now we were all told as children, don't touch fire because you can get burnt, right? And we have this idea of what that would feel like, what it would feel like to burn your finger on a flame or a fire, excuse me. And we have this predisposition of what that might feel like. And then when it actually happens to you're like, oh my God, it may actually reflect what you thought it felt like, or it might have been something totally different. You know, it's interesting, you can brush your finger over a flame and not burn yourself. I find that fascinating. So why am I bringing this up? It's the same in when it comes to a healthy, happy relationship. We might have an idea what that feels like. We might have an idea. We might have this idea based on past experiences that didn't work out, but ultimately until you've experienced a healthy, happy relationship, most of the time it's an idea in our head or worse, it's a reflection of bad experiences and people focus on what they don't want. They don't want in a relationship. How many of you date saying, well, I've been dating and I figured out what I don't want? You know, what happens is when we focus on what we don't want, I don't want long distance, I don't want someone this, I don't want someone that, kind of like what I did with Maria, I had all these predispositions of what I don't want. And some of those were ridiculous, superficial, you know, in my mind, or now in reflecting on it. And I mentioned the distance because I said I clearly didn't want a long distance relationship. Well, at the end of the day, once I realized that the distance wasn't the issue, what I most wanted, and this is what I want everyone to lean in for a second, is to focus what you want in a relationship, not what you don't want, okay? And what the fact, the thing I'm about to share right now, which is completely reflected in this beautiful relationship I have with Marie, is what I most appreciate it, what I love about her, and I suspect emotionally healthy men, I know all of my circle of male friends feel this exact same thing in their relationship, is a person who acts like a teammate. Who acts like a teammate, who shows up as a teammate. A teammate. You know, ultimately, when you have someone in your life, when you're capable of giving to another human being, and I certainly was in a position to give to another human being, I was willing and I wanted to give to another human being. I really wanted to give, okay? See, sadly, a lot of people are dating from the perspective of what I can get instead of what I can give. What I can get instead of what I can give. This is why I wanna be candid with you all. I have a real aversion to the expectation. I'm gonna give you an example of something that I resent a bit. And I expect the, I resent the expectation that's a man's responsibility pay for dates, okay? The expectation of it, not the act of paying for dates, not the place of generosity. I just dislike the expectation of it. It's a requirement. Just like I'm gonna assume women probably don't like some men who expect sex on a first date because they paid for a first date. If a man expects that, I am sure you would resent that, you would be revolted by that, okay? Now, why am I bringing this up? See, one of the things Marie did on our very second time we saw each other, technically it would have been our second date, is she treated for breakfast? She just said, hey, I've got this. See, what she demonstrated in that moment was teamwork. She just said, it was like saying, Jonathan, I really appreciated that you took me out the night before. Can I treat you to breakfast to show you my appreciation? I'm like, wow, this is a person who acts like a teammate. See, it's, and by the way, it's a mutual exchange. There's a reciprocity going on. I had made effort and she had made effort. And then she made effort and I made effort. There's this back and forth in this dynamic of our relationship. Sometimes we do things together like making the bed. Sometimes she makes the bed. Sometimes I make the bed. I'm just using that as an example of two people living together. But there's this mutual exchange going on. There's a teammate going on. I make plans sometimes, she makes plans sometimes. Now, emotionally healthy men really appreciate this that we love this in women. Now, if you're with an alpha male who has to be in control and he does all those things and he not only expects it, but he demands it, can he really appreciate your efforts or maybe he has a different exchange level of what he wants? I'll pay for everything and you just provide sex for me. See, be careful of a lot of the red pill narrative out there. That's this one up, one down type of dynamic. The man is here and the woman is here. I'm really, and again, I'm only speaking to those human beings out there who truly want a healthy, happy relationship with an emotionally healthy man, okay? Now, listen, I've said that there's very, it's a small percentage of people who are emotionally healthy. What I mean to say is people who are working on themselves introspectively to improve themselves to go beyond the surface. This is why one of my favorite books if you haven't read it before, it's called If the Buddha Dated, If the Buddha Dated. This is a deep dive into throwing out the gender rhetoric in relationships and ask yourself, how can two people connect at a heart-centered level? It's folks, it's, by the way, there's a link below to get a copy of all the books I recommend. It's why I recommend my book. What the heck a self-love anyway, a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. Why I recommend it is when we can operate from a place of being a giver, when we can operate from a place of love, when we can operate from a place of teamwork, those are the relationships that tend to be the happiest. Now, here's the thing. Ladies, you have a propensity of over giving in a relationship. You have a propensity of being a people pleaser. Now, I know that because I'm a recovering people pleaser, but you have a propensity to do that. So it's an imbalanced relationship you're giving, you're not receiving maybe to the same degree. You think the more I give, the more I give, the more I give, he'll start rising up. That's not how this works. In a relationship of mutual exchange, in a relationship with teamwork, there is a level of reciprocity. There's a level of equanimity. There's a level of not equality, but there's like the balance within the scales. See, if it's imbalanced, the person who is giving more might resent the fact that they're giving more, or worse, they turn into a martyr. I've given you so much in this relationship and you gave me nothing. Well, why are you giving so much? Why? You know, Matthew Hussey says something, and I really respect this. He says, invest and test, invest and test, invest and test. What that means is the way I view that is you make effort and see if he rises to that occasion, if you will. So when I think of the relationship I am in, we almost unconsciously just make effort for one another. See, because the best relationships are with two givers and not based on gender role giving, but based on who is the strongest in this position. So if a man makes more money, that's okay. He's stronger in that area. He can cover those expenses. I'm using money as an example. If two people are equally inclined, then it makes sense to be mutually investing for using that example. Maybe somebody is good at planning trips. I'm terrible at planning trips. Marie happens to be an absolute expert in planning trips. Now the hard part for me is surrendering control because I like to be in charge, but at the same time I trust this person because she has demonstrated the teamwork that makes me genuinely love her. It's one of the qualities that I most love. And I'm not singular here. Many of the men, in fact, we have a group of couples coming over tomorrow. These are men that are givers. They're with partners in their lives. This isn't a one up, one down type of dynamic. And you know what's fascinating is each one of these women showed up as a giver right from the very first date, just like Marie did in that particular case. She showed me, she was a partner, by simply saying, you know what, I appreciate you, Jonathan. Can I treat you for breakfast this morning? It was a kind thing to do. When we operate from that place of generosity, we attract more generosity in our life. When we operate from a place of teamwork. Now remember, I am clearly saying you do not give if there's not a balanced reciprocation. No, no, no, no, no, don't you ever over give and just don't, please don't you ever give, give, give, hoping it's going to change. You know, people tell you who they are very early on in a relationship. Now these are just some of the simple ways to a healthy happy relationship. You know, being a giver too, being a teammate also means not operating from a place of I'm right and you're wrong. When two people have a challenge, maybe a disagreement, maybe they made a mistake. You know, rather than criticizing them, rather than coming from a place of contempt, rather than ghosting them, rather than gaslighting them. When a person really comes from a place of I want to be happy versus right. See, sometimes we can overlook the small stuff. You know, the sad part is sometimes the small stuff turn into gigantic calamities because you're operating from a place of I'm right and you're wrong. See, it's really, would you rather be happy versus would you rather be right? And being a teamwork is one of the fundamental principles is operating from a place of I'd much rather be happy than right without compromising a boundary. And I love what Brene Brown says about boundaries. A boundary is simply what's okay and what's not okay for me. And sometimes we make mistakes. We can cross a boundary. A real partner, a real friend, a real relationship says, you know what, I'm willing to work through this in spite of the fact that you hurt me. See, we can't hurt one another. It happens. It happens in the best of relationships. We have differences of opinion. Two people that agree to be teammates with one another. You know, when I think of the wedding vows, it's all designed the original wedding vows, at least, sickness and health that, you know, rich or poor, all those sorts of things. You know, it was designed to say, we are a team with one another because ultimately, isn't that what you want in a relationship as a partnership as a teammate? And the problem is we have all these grand expectations in this early stage of dating. It has to be fireworks. It has to be butterflies. It has to be intense chemistry. Well, I think we've learned now that extreme chemistry doesn't equal relationship success. What equals relationship success? You're attracted to one another. You're with a person with good character. They're kind. They're emotionally mature to regulate their emotionally, mature enough to regulate their emotions. They want to operate from a place of teamwork with one another. They actually have your best interest at heart. See, those are some of the things I'd much rather have you focus on rather than they look good on paper, okay? What should look good on paper? You're attracted enough. They have good character. They are kind. They are a teammate. And they have, most importantly, good conflict resolution skills as well. All right, I think you get the gist of the secrets to a happy relationship. Men love women who are teammates. And let me just say this, ladies, you want a teammate as well. It's a two lane street for the two of you. And if you need some help and support with that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. That's my area to help you to assess who is a potential teammate versus those guys that are gonna waste your time. And let me just say this, the odds are in your favor. You're going to meet the guy who's gonna waste your time. If you wanna put the odds in your favor of meeting that teammate time per person, then click the link below to schedule a discovery call with me. All right, did this resonate with you? If it does or you have something to share, please post a comment below. If you liked this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Please hit the notification bell. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrock of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye.