 presents the halls of Ivy. If you like good beer do as millions of people are doing all over the country as for Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Schlitz tastes so good to so many people that it's the largest selling beer in America. It has to be fine to be first for halls of Ivy. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy colleagues that is in the town of Ivy USA. Ivy's president, Dr. William Carthunder Hall, was a guest last night at a civic banquet. He went for force and came home persuaded. As he tells his wife Victoria for the reigning beauty of the London stage this morning. Frankly my darling I enjoyed it. That's how I've mellowed with age. I've been weakens for the final weeks of the school year. Perhaps until now I haven't entered into the spirit of call me Bill and did you hear the one about the conductors on the mink coats. And with the fact remains that I had a most pleasant evening. What was the decoration on the fruit cup? Oh, you mean did they serve the inevitable half a maraschino cherry? Yes, they did and I ate mine and liked it. Oh Toddy, you are mellowing. Why have you climbed the most spectacular raises with those half cherries? I know, I know. Ordinarily half a cherry on a fruit cocktail infuriates me. It seems to say if I were a whole cherry, oh man, you'd not be able to appreciate the delightful repast which follows. However, last night the food was edible. The coffee was hot and good. The speeches were amusing and except for one minor incident, I hope I am not interrupting. Interrupting was for goodness sake. I wasn't saying anything. I know, you've been very polite darling, but in your beautiful eyes there is that look which says I wish it finished their interminable story because I have a funnier one. You never tell interminable stories. For me they're much too insurmountable. Now what was the minor incident? Well, it was so minor it will keep. Now what's your funny story? Well, really, really funny. It's this interesting. Do you remember that painting, Mrs. Quintan and so does the other night? Well, you mean the original oil by a son, my lead artist named Ramon Ricardo. The one which looked as if he'd painted it while wearing boxing gloves. And then walked on it with muddy deluxe. You mean you didn't like it? Vicki, my sweet, I have seen better composition on a hotel bath mat. That painting was a trotter. Well, but good heavens, I thought you were mad about it after what you told me, Mrs. Quintan. Well, just what did I say? Well, you said it was, well, you seem to think it was just the way you stood there. You mean that wasn't Rapture? Rapture was hardly the emotion which gripped me. It was more like Vertigo. Believe me, if I'd known, if I'd known Vertigo, I'd have gone. Well, you had me fooled, darling. So suddenly that I bought you another one for the same artist. What did you do? You mean he couldn't lose his nerve after painting the one we saw? He did another? Yeah, and I only got it because I thought you'd love it. Now, let's have a look at it then. Maybe Ricardo's had a painting lesson since he did Mrs. Quintanen. Or thought of using paint instead of mud and ashes and beef gravy. Yes, I can return it to the art shop, personally. Excuse me, Diane. Dr. Hall speaking. Oh, yes, Jeffrey. Why, certainly, yes, come right over. No, not interrupting a thing. That's all right. Goodbye. Jeffrey? Didn't Jeffrey? Yes. Student body president? Yes, he's coming over. Something wrong? I don't know, but probably. I am seldom beg for a quick interview unless there's a wrangle on the quadrangle. Er, in the mean time, let's see the old master you bought for your old master. Well, all right. I was going to buy you a chair so I could supply you with it. Now, here you are. Well, darling, you did surprise me. You and Ricardo. Worse than the other. Yes, I thought so. I'm glad you disliked it. Well, that's a fine way to talk to the recipient of a gift. Why are you glad I disliked it? Because at Quintanen's the other night I thought your well-known critical judgment had packed up and gone to Yugoslavia or someplace. But I say to myself, I said, if he likes that sort of thing I said, buy him one, I said. Now, Vicki, my darling, I love you and I do appreciate the thought behind this, this. A tragedy? Behind the gift of this tragedy, yes. But hereafter, please do not let my social attitude betray you and a false estimate of my sanity. The fact that Mrs. Quintanen was our hostess and was obviously happy with her painting was, by the way, has this dreadful little production a title? Yes. Yes, it is written on the back of the frame. Now, let's see. Here it is. Magenta miasma. Magenta miasma. How appropriate. It does look sort of like a Florida resort, doesn't it? There's no little bit sideways like this. Darling, there is no Florida resort called miasma. You are thinking of Miami. Oh! Yes, Miami. Well, then where's miasma? Down this canvas for one place. Miasma is a word meaning a noxious effluvium emanating from a swampy putrescent, which makes it apparent that Ricardo lacks either a dictionary or a puff of pride in his work. Darling, I thank you for this interesting gift, and how soon can you get it out of the house? I'll take it back today. And now let's go back to your minor incident. My minor incident? At the banquet last night. Oh, yes, yes. Well, it was just a slight argument with a mayor of Ivy about a proposed addition to the city hall. Which is already big enough to serve a town besides the Philadelphia. They call that dipping into the beef keg, don't they? The pork barrel, my pet. And building an addition to a local city hall is pure tender saculant pork. I say that you said so to the mayor. I did. And after the lovely Magenta miasma receded from his somewhat porcine face, which is probably an occupational... Yeah, well, that's probably Jim Jeffery. I'd better hide this canvas. We don't want it to think we have an idiot uncle in town. Now, we can explain it away as an example of new wallpaper. Now, come in, Jim. I was just... Oh, good morning, Mr. Wellman. I was expecting Jim Jeffery. Come in, anyway. Thank you. Well, Dr. Hall, the president of this college, I am sure you are aware of Mrs. Hall. Good morning. Hello, Mr. Wellman. It would be a better morning if I didn't have to concern myself with certain... I mean, Dr. Hall, it should be obvious to you by this time that... Well, it's imperative, Dr. Hall, imperative. But just what is imperative, Mr. Wellman? Weren't you listening? I was just telling you, it's imperative that we, as president of this, I mean that you in our relations with the town of Ivy is, I mean, are responsible for certain... I am speaking, Dr. Hall, of your behavior at the banquet last night. Oh, go on, Mr. Wellman. You always been his night at the banquet. Like folks, great for conversation and never liked his pipe. It would have been better if he had lit his fork. I mean, lighted his... lit his pipe. And kept quiet. Dr. Hall, you insulted the mayor. Oh, Mr. Wellman, in the first place, it would take a sharper conversation on Harpoonman's mind to get to the political hide of Mayor Baker. Please, Dr. Hall, you are speaking of what... Well, Mayor Baker is an old friend of mine. He went to school. He comes from a fine old family. May flower stop. Mr. Wellman, Mr. Wellman, Mr. Wellman, and he meant who serves his community well has no need of answers. I know, I know! And, as a citizen and taxpayer interested in good government, I cannot approve such public pocket picking. Pidley pocket... pocket... Wrong words, Dr. Hall. Yeah, they're hard to say, too. As a member of the city council, I resent it. The addition to the city hall has been a lifelong dream of Mayor Baker. He wants to take pride in this... in his city. He wants to take... He wants to take this basic. Please, Mrs. Hall, I know Mayor Baker. You do not. And I want to be the first to congratulate me. For leaving his honor... honor a moment, what is the point you are trying to make, Mr. Wellman? The point I am making, Dr. Hall, is that from now on, officially Ivy College will adopt a closed-mouthed policy on all such public matters. Is that clear? The statement's clear enough, but the attitude you recommend, Mr. Wellman, is dangerous and unrealistic. And because of more political evils than anything I can imagine, you advocate apathy, disinterest, and public silence in the face of mouthings. I advocate minding our own collegiate business, Dr. Hall. Nothing more, nothing less. I advocated both as chairman of Ivy's Board of Governors and as a member of the Ivy City Council, and as chairman of the Board of Governors, a word for the wise. Good day. You know, I think Mr. Wellman is one of the most resistible characters I ever knew. You suppose he's getting a slice of that graft? No, no, I don't. No matter how misplaced his loyalty is or how distorted his viewpoints, I think the man's absolutely honest. You mean he's honest according to his life, but he drives a lot with his dimmers' arms. Well, sir, something like that, yes. I credit Mr. Wellman with judging Mayor Baker by Wellman and not Baker's standards. Use every man after his dessert. Use every man after his dessert. And who should escape whipping? Use them after your own honor and dignity. The less they deserve, the more merit is in your bounty. Hamlet. Good for you, darling. How did you know? It was his turn. Whose turn? It was Hamlet. Nobody asked me what that from. I always say either Hamlet or the Bible. It was Hamlet's turn. Well, between the Moody Dane and the Holy Writ, one is usually unfrooded based grounds because... Oh, do you think that CW or Jim? Oh, no, no, no, I doubt it. Lisex, it had an air of finality about him. In that case, I'll be hospitable. Oh, hello, Jim. Come in, please. Thank you, Mr. Paul. Hello, Jim. Sit down. Thank you, sir. I'll get right to it. Have you heard about the proposed new addition to the Ivy City Hall? Well, you heard about the new addition to the Ivy City Hall. Well, you heard about it from the mayor and vice versa. Yes, I did. And I assigned myself the pleasant chore of telling his honor... his honor... without telling him that I considered it an out-and-out patronage job with no civic merit and that he might have difficulty in finding necessary funds in an already depleted city treasury. I'm sure glad you feel that way about it. Well, why, Jim? You're not a taxpayer. Well, not now, but it looks like I might be. It looks like all Ivy students will be taxpayers. Well, you mean local taxpayers? You are. That's why I'm here. On behalf of the student body. The word hasn't gotten around the campus yet. But when it does, there's going to be a real Donnie Brooks. Well, what word? What's going on? Go, go, go. You're your major in political science, aren't you, Jim? Yes, sir. I'm doing a little field work down at the city hall. That's how I happen to hear about this tax bill. If they build that city hall addition, Ivy College is going to pay for it. The college? How? Well, the smart boys and the gang dug up an old law. Passed in 1885. It's the head tax law and authorizes the leving of tax on students. 16 years old and over. Oh, but that must have been in the time of desperate financial stringency when the college was young. Well, that doesn't matter. It's never been stricken from the status. It's as good or as bad as the day it was passed. I wonder if Mr. Wellman knows this. Mr. Wellman. Well, never mind, Jim. I've got to think this over. What can you do, William? At the moment, I don't know. But I have a feeling we'll have to fight fire with fire. And I... What's the matter, Doc? Do you smell something? Yes, barbecued pork. It's early afternoon and we find Dr. Hall, who's up in arms over the town of Ivy's revival of an old law which would permit the taxation of college students. Just that with the mayor's office, the mayor, the honorable Francis X Baker, welcomes him with professional hardness. Bill, it's great to see you. Just great. Come on in and sit down. You don't come in often enough. You know, there's a lot of truth in the old saying, there's no friend like an old friend. Yes, I never thought of it that way. The quotation marks around the cliché are merely the crow's feet of weary repetition. How true! How true! I feel Billy Hall never catch him without a quote. I have another one. James Russell Lowell. Little he loves but power, most of all. And that he seems to scorn as one who knew how powers men choose to crawl there too. By what power powers men choose? Now wait a minute, anything personal in that bill? Well, Frank, if the truth fits, why should it bless you? As my remarks to you at the banquet last night about the disgraceful plundering of public funds to build the addition to the city hall. Oh, now forget it, Billy. You don't have to apologize for that. Apologize. I'm not apologizing, Frank. On the contrary, I wish to extend and amplify my remarks. Well, go right ahead, son. It's a free country. For a free country, you're trying your best to make it expensive. For the backpacks. This ghost law you'll vex you will mean the headsacks of 1885. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hold everything, Billy. I didn't dig up any ghost law. That's a very life statute. Never been off the books. There's also a law still in the books which demands that every horseless carriage be perceived at a distance of 20 feet by a man carrying a red flag or a lantern. Are you planning to enforce that, too? No, but I would. It would help me build a wing on the city hall. Why is the building of this new wing so imperative? I consider it a flagrant abuse of office. Fragrant abuse of... You have revived an emergency law past 65 years ago. Pasturing a desperate period for a specific purpose. And you are using it, legally perhaps, but unethically, certainly, to implement a raid on public funds to pay for a needless piece of construction. And the students of my college are the prospective victims of this fraud. Well, I've been mayor of this town for a long time. My record is clean. My administration... Oh, I'm not referring to your past record. Whatever it is. I am talking about the business of building up in the city council tomorrow. Permitting a city tax on students 16 years and over. Well, I'm only the mayor, Billy Boy. I don't control the city council. We need additional revenue at this time for civic projects. In this case, a permanent and useful testimonial to my annuler of office. Well, that's a... very neat euphemism. How would you describe the Brink's express robbery in Boston? The transfer of funds from the temporary custodian for a more equitable distribution among deserving, if unknown, citizens? You're quibbling. Am I? Now, let's face back. The city needs money. And we can collect it legally according to a definite statute. We'll pass for a similar purpose at another period. Listen, outrageous example of veneral politics. How can we teach good government in Ivy College if we have this sample of bad government on our own doorstep? Now, that's a lot of hogwash, Billy. What you call bad government, I call good business. It's stimulating. It puts money in circulation. And we get the money to do it by any legal means at our disposal. From 16-year-olds. Ah, thanks very much for our representation, Frank. Why, it's the principle upon which war has been declared. Twice. Twice, Billy? Yes, in 1776 and right now. Hello, darling. How are you? It is due just on a week over that he missed these and promised to be a good boy. No, I can see you didn't. No, he not only didn't, but he kept calling me Billy Boy. Well, only friendly, anyway. Perhaps, but I felt like brushing people on my way home. Well, the reason I'm so late, darling, is that I talked to several members of the city council. Including Mr. Wellman? No, no, I fasted up Mr. Wellman. He's not a man to reason with. With whom to reason? Either one man. Well, but you say you think he's absolutely honest. Doesn't he realize what it will do to either? Think it even closed the school? I always find it hard to realize what Mr. Wellman realizes. I feel right now like a man in a small dory with a hurricane coming up. Well, maybe your dory is not so hunky right now, dear. You think of something. Well, if I do, I'd better hurry, and I wish I could share your confidence with... What do you mean, hmm? What are you saying, dad? No, that painting. You... You didn't have time to return it? Oh, no, I'll take it back in the morning. It doesn't grow on your digit. You can't say that it does. Are you sure you have it right-side-up? I don't think it has any right-side-up. That's the side-up it was up in the shop. No wire on the back? To suggest we slide the painter's foot with the top or bottom? And I'd like to strike out the word painter. Your lady's already struck out. Well, perhaps I'm a philistine, Vicki, but I think representational art that has required some basic study of drawing and color is the representation. Now, now, that's giving me a... Keep looking at it, darling. It's just funny enough to make Mayor Baker look legitimate. The icing was at the door. What does that have to do with the painting? I had a significant thought somewhere. You're looking here. Oh, oh, hello, Jim. Hello, Doctor. Did you have any luck with the mayor today? My report is embarrassingly negative. I'm afraid my persuasive powers have deserted me. Well, that's not good. The word's out, Doctor. There's been a big meeting called at the gym tonight. I don't like the thing for it might happen. That's all I have students to send on this town. Something's got to be done. Yes, you're right. Taxation without representation, we... Wait a minute. That's it, of course. The painting. The painting. What painting? What are you talking about, Jim? The possible solution. Doctor Hall, are you sure you heard what I said? Just to turn out to be a case of mob violence, Jim. You were elected persons of this student body because you have the qualities of a leader. Now, I want you to get down there to that gymnasium and be one. I have a couple of phone calls to make, but if what I suspect is true, there'll be no reason for a riot. That tax bill will never be passed. Well, if you say so, Doctor. I'm 99% certain. Now, get going and come back and report to me. Okay. Goodbye. I don't mind, but I don't. Heidi, what is this about? Taxation without representation. This can't be. Excuse me, darling. I just want to make this call. All right. Hello. Registrar's office. This is Doctor Hall. Yes. Yes, you can help me. I want to know the exact figures. Hello. Citizens' office, please. Hello. This is Doctor Hall of Ivy College. I'd like some information. Yes. I want to know the exact figures. Good afternoon, Mrs. Hall. Hi. Good morning. I have good news, Doctor Hall. Very good news. Splendid news. I'm very glad. The first is terrible tax bill, which came up before the city council today. It won't last, Doctor Hall, never. Due to my vigilance, my unsiring efforts, my keep interest in both the town of Ivy and Ivy College. And also, I presume to the suggestion I made to you over the phone. Yes, of course. Do also for your suggestion. Thank you, Mr. Daly. But as I was saying, due to my vigilance, the students of Ivy College will not be taxed. Ridiculous idea in the first place. And I'm surprised that Mayor Bacon, old schoolmaker of mine, couldn't. I mean, we don't need a city hall addition, Doctor Hall, and you cannot convince me that we do. Madam George, about William, you can't put over that dreadful tax bill of yours. Well, what happened, Mr. Wellman? What happened is that, sir, well, the mayor, uh, he called the tax bill. Oh, then it was passed by the city council. I am not the only member on it, Mr. Hall. It was enough that I got to the mayor. Yes, yes. Of course it was, Mr. Wellman, and I appreciate your effort. You've done a noble service to this school. It was nothing, Doctor Hall. What do I mean nothing? It was tremendous. Well, sir, goodbye. Now, please, William, tell me, tell me. Mr. Wellman. Very well, darling. You see, it was all due to... Get not, Mr. Wellman. Don't tell me that. I heard you phone the registrar's office. This is declared. And then, Mr. Wellman, that whatever was done, you done it. Now, what was done? Well, I found out that the enrollment of the College of Ivy was two-thirds larger than the voting population of the town of Ivy. Well, skip the statistic, darling. Well, I got a blathering on, as you remember, about representational art, which brought me back to the taxation of our students with our representation. Then I said to myself... Billy, you said. Billy, boy, I said... Aren't you just assuming they have no representation? So, I checked the 1885 law again and found that it definitely gave the students the right to vote. I spoke to Mr. Wellman, who showed his honor that was the majority of angry students. He was headed straight for impeachment. Well, good old magenta miasma. Now, we'd better keep the painting. No, no, no, darling. No, we will present it to the college. With a little brass plate on the bottom of it, saying, this minor work of art demonstrates that you may be unworthy, but you need not be framed. Oh. Very good. Now, where did you put the little brass plate? On the bottom of the frame. Which is the bottom? Darling, I'll let you decide. I solved my problem. This one's yours. Good night, everybody. Good night. This week at the same time, with the halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Waddle's folks, Mr. Wellman is played by Herbert Butterfield, others are cast with Jim Bacchus and Bill Mim. Tonight's script was written by Cameron Blake and Don Cliff. The music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The halls of Ivy were created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe, and presented transcribes of the Joseph Swift Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, who invites you to enjoy the Pulitzer Prize Playhouse on television on Friday night. 10 o'clock for this week. Oh, we love the halls that surround us.