 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. 850. 799. American. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. First again with Tobacco Man. More independent tobacco experts smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combine. There you have the findings of a recent impartial survey, which reveals the personal smoking preference of Tobacco Man. Yes, the survey shows Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. First again with Tobacco Man. First again with the man who can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. So light up a Lucky. Puff by Puff, you'll see. L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that comes in. So for your own real, deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke the smoke Tobacco Expert smoke. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester Dynasty, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight the entire Jack Benny troop is leaving for personal appearances in Detroit and Cleveland. Opening Thursday at the Fox Theater in Detroit. As we look in on the Benny household, Jack is packing for the trip. Rochester, did you put in my shaving cream brush and talcum powder? Yes, sir. My razor? Uh-huh. I put in everything but your razor blades. How many do you want to take? Better take two. I'll be gone 12 weeks. Two will be enough, I think. Boss, how many sheaves do you get out of one razor blade anyway? About 75. 75 sheaves out of one blade? How do you do it? How do you do it? It's a little secret of mine, Rochester. For the first 50 sheaves, I don't take the paper off. I ought to take along something light and cool for my stage appearances. Shall I pack your gray garbage, Dean? No, no, no. I'll take my white linen suit and I'll wear a blue tie. That sounds like a nice combination, white and blue. Uh-huh. Then, if you wear your red toupee, you'll look like old glory. No, no, I'm saving that for the 4th of July. Now, let's see. You know, boss, I'm awfully excited about going to Detroit. I'm getting a new car. A new car? Gee, I wish I could afford one. How much is it going to cost you? $2,100. $2,100. Rochester, where'd you get that kind of money? Well, it's like this. I've been with you 11 years and by skimping, I've saved half my salary every week. And then, last week, it happened. You finally got enough? Yeah, my uncle died and left me $2,000. Well, you see, Rochester, I told you when you started, stick with me, you'll be well off. Now, let's, uh, come in. Well, Joey and Stevie. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, boy. What brings you here today? We came over to say goodbye. Well... Members of the Beverly Hills Beavers have brought this going away present to you, our fellow beaver. Well, gee, fellas, thanks. I'll open my present now around the train. Open it now. Okay. Just what I've always wanted. A frog. A frog. It sure looks swell. It looked even better when it was alive. Well, fellas, I certainly appreciate the sentiment. Now, keep it with me as long as the weather stays cool. Uh, so long, boys. Well, I guess we're about finished packing Rochester. I wonder if Don Wilson is through with his yet. To the phone, I'll finish the packing. Okay, darling. Hello? Yes, it's Don Wilson. Long distance. Well, put him on. Hello? Yes, yes, I'm fine. How are you? What? Oh, that's wonderful. Congratulations. Nice of you to call me. Goodbye. Oh, darling, darling, you've heard the wonderful news. You know what? What? Luckies are first again with tobacco men. That letter you're writing to Mr. Benny. Well, I am finished. Would you like to hear it? Yes. Okay. Well, Jack, I have talked it over with a little woman and I've come to the conclusion that an announcer of my reputation should be treated with far more dignity on the program. That's good. Continue, darling. For several years now, you've been getting laughs at the expense of my excess weight. I have just about reached the limit of my endurance and must warn you that I am now serving notice that from this day forward, I will not tolerate any references to my obesity. That's telling him fatso. I'll get you stamped. Well, you didn't bother. I'm going to tear it up. Tear up the letter? Well, don't you want Jack to stop making up jokes about you being fat? Well, let's be honest, darling. My lard is our bread and butter. That's what I like about you, Donald. You're so cute in a sloppy sort of way. I know. Queen, have you packed all my stockings and nightgowns? Yes, ma'am. Good. Now put this eyebrow pencil in my cosmetic case. Where'd he pack your eyebrow pencil? I know, but I better take two. Mr. Benny always forgets his. Miss Livingston, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? No, what is it, Pauline? Is there anything between you and Mr. Benny? I mean, has he ever gotten romantic with you? Well, once, a couple of years ago, he drove me up to Mulholland Drive one night, parked the car, looked at me, then said, Mary, I'm going to take you in my arms and crush you to a pulp. He put his arms around me and squeezed and squeezed. Gee, what happened? He broke two of his ribs. And he's never gotten romantic. Well, Mr. Benny ought to start thinking of getting married real soon. He's 39 and he's not getting any younger. The way he counts, he's not getting any older, either. Now, hurry, Pauline, I have much time. Oh, gee, Miss Livingston, I sure envy you making this wonderful trip and being on the same train with Phil Harris. Oh, you really have a crush on Phil, haven't you, Pauline? Oh, yes, Miss Livingston. Every time I see Mr. Harris, I wish I was only two inches tall. Only two inches tall? Why? I'd like to take off my shoes and run barefoot through his hair. I first noticed it when I saw a picture of him and Alice paying a magazine ad. Phil and Alice? What kind of an ad was it? Oh, you've seen them. Under the picture it says, which one of these twins has the Tony? Phil is. I've been trying to get him to get him out of here all day. Hey, gosh, Frankie, just thinking a couple of hours we'll be on that super chief bound for Detroit. Yeah. Gee, Curly, I can hardly wait. Two more scotch and waters, bartender. Ha! And, uh... Hey, Frankie, what time is it? Uh, four o'clock. What time we come in this joint? Three o'clock. That ain't so bad. We've only been here 13 hours. Set him up again, bartender. Yeah. Hey, Frankie, I think I ought to call up Alice and tell her where I am. Why, Curly? Well, I don't want her to think I'm wasting my time in a pool room. I'll call her later. Okay. You know, Curly, I've been thinking and thinking for weeks and weeks and I just realized something. What? You and me are a couple of bums. Oh, it ain't so bad. Another round, bartender. Yeah. I'm not too happy about this trip, Curly. I'll probably be lonesome in Detroit. You'll probably spend all your time with Benny. Yeah. You can't have no fun. You can't have no fun running around with Jackson. His idea of a big time of standing on the street corner trying to whistle at Dames. Trying to whistle? Yeah, it takes him a half an hour to pucker up those wrinkled old lips. I'm kidding. Yeah, and by the time he does get them puckered, he's too pooped to blow. Two scotches and water, bartender. Two for me, two. Frankie, look, it's getting late. We ought to get to that station. I'll go out and call a cab. Well, let's have another drink and float down. We ain't got no time. Hey, bartender, how much do I owe you? $475. OK, charge it to my account. $475? You know, Curly, that's kind of expensive. Yeah, but look at the money we save on food. Come on. We're supposed to pick up Dennis down on the way to the station. Let's get out of here. Well, let's see. I've packed all the new things that I bought in the store today. Two shirts, two ties, two pair of socks, two handkerchiefs, and 36 pair of shorts. See, that guy in the underwear department was a good salesman. I don't mind buying all this underwear, but I wish I'd gone to the men's department. I'm all ready now. Oh, mother! My dear son. Who are you? Your father. Where's mother? She's not home, son. She'll see you down on the train. Oh, is she going to Detroit? No, only to Albuquerque. And a new engineer takes over. Albuquerque? Yes. Well, I better tell her if an Indian tries to sell her any jewelry to look under the blanket, it might be Mr. Benny. Yes, I'll tell her. Well, son, I'll kind of miss you when you're gone. And I'll feel kind of funny letting you go on the road alone. Oh, you needn't worry, Dad. I'm with Mr. Benny most of the time. Mr. Benny, what do you do? Well, we stand on street corners and he winks and I whistle. If a girl stops, he faints and I run. Well, I'm ready to go now, Dad. I'll wait on the porch for Phil Harris. Oh, son, before you go out, do you know that song I like so much? May I never love again? Yes. Would you sing it for me? Okay, son. No, no, you're the son. I'm your father. I'll go ahead and sing. Indian Station. How much is a driver? That'll be $1.95. $1.95? Here's $2. Keep the change. Thank you very much. You're quite welcome. Mr. Benny, do you mind if I say something? No, no, no, go right ahead. You're tighter than the ice cube tray in a $12 refrigerator. Come on, Mary, let's go on the station. I told the gang to meet us over by the information desk. Say, Jack, there's Dennis over there weighing himself. Oh, yes. Dennis, what are you jumping on that machine for? I put a penny in, but no peanuts came out. That's a weighing machine. It's a scale. When you put a penny in, a little card comes out. There it is down there. Oh, yeah. Gee, look, I weigh 155 pounds. And Dennis on the other side is your fortune. My fortune? Let me see. Gee, now they tell me. What does it say? No peanuts. For heaven's sake, look, kid, you better take care of your baggage and I'll see you on the train. Come on, Mary. Jack, I think I'll go over and buy some magazines. Okay, in the meantime, I'll go over and validate the tickets. Attention, please. All passengers going to Anaheim, take sandwiches as there is no diner. All passengers going to Azusa, take soft drinks as there is no club car. All passengers going to Cucamunga, take the bus as there is no train. I don't know what magazine to buy. Why, you levy, you one-way ticket to Dreamland. Mystery magazine. Here's one that looks good. Who's Gordon? That's House and Garden. The one with Robert Taylor's picture on it. Robert Taylor's picture? Yes. You mean Spangler Arlington Brew? No, Phil. I don't mean Spangler Arlington Brew. Robert Taylor. What are you seeing, Bob Taylor, anyway? What is Alice seeing you? Livy, if I stood here telling you, we'd both missed the train. Well, that does it. See you later, Phil. Okay, Liv. Attention, please. The station master just received a complaint about our service. So from now on, all the waiting machines will give peanuts. Let's see. Where's that ticket window? Oh, yes, there it is, right over there. Your attention, please. We have an announcement from the Lost and Found Department. Will the owners of these pets please claim them? We have a dog. And Rochester's taking care of my parrot. Oh, Jack! Jack! Oh, hello, Don. Jack, I'm awfully sorry I'm late, but I stopped by the office to pick up the commercials for our Detroit broadcast. Well, where's my quartet, the sportsman? They were supposed to come to the station with you. Well, there they are, Jack, down by the gate. Where? Right over there, saying goodbye to their wives. Oh, yes, their wives came down to see them off. Isn't that nice? Toot, toot, toot, see, goodbye. Toot, toot, toot, see, don't cry. The choo-choo train that, hey, away from you, no words can tell how sad it makes me. Kiss me, toot, see, and there. Watch for the mayor. Better than we'll know you're in jail. Toot, toot, toot, see, don't cry. The broken is good, oh, lucky strikes. Toot, toot, see, don't cry. You always thought that was sure you all would like. We've met who know to back. It's always luck is right. We said hello. Now, let's see. This must be the ticket window right here. Oh, mister. Mister. Yeah. Is he agent? Well, how do you think I got all these tickets, speeding down Wilshire Boulevard? I got a ticket to New York, but I want to arrange for stopovers at Detroit and Cleveland. Detroit and Cleveland? What a coincidence. My parents were in Detroit when I was born in Cleveland. Wait, how did your parents be in Detroit when you were born in Cleveland? We had a stork with a lousy bomb sight. Aren't you glad you asked? Oh, mister. Look, all I want you to do is validate my tickets. Pardon me a moment. I'm in a hurry. Do you all mind if I go ahead of you? No, no, no. Go right ahead. What can I do for you, sir? Well, I'd like some information about Deward Ditty. Yes, sir. What would you like to know? Well, is old Bob still there with all the news? Yes, yes, he is. Does he still wear that boxback coat and the button shoes? He certainly does. And not only that, he's all caught up with his union dude. Look, mister, anything else you'd like to know? Yes. Do they still have those baked ribs and candied yams and those sugar cured Virginia hams? Ooh, do that. And basements full of those berry jam? No. You keep out of it. And now what else would you like to know? Before I get to Deward Ditty for those backbones and butter beans, does the train stop so I can sip that absinthe and you, Orleans? You can bet your layer cakey it does. Well, that's all I wanted to know. Give me a ticket to Pismo Beach. Here you are, sir. To him yet, he's got to be nice already. What are you mumbling about? Look, mister, all I want you to do is validate my tickets. Very well. Pullman, P, upper you. I've got a good notion to report you to the company. Oh, I wish you wouldn't. They don't know I'm working here. I thought so, now give me those tickets. Attention, please. The Santa Fe Super Cheap now leaving on track nine. And Jack Benny, attention. You left your briefcase at the taxi stand. Oh, my goodness. One of the drivers is bringing it to you. Yeah, I never even missed it. Oh, here comes the taxi driver now. Oh, buddy, buddy, here I am right over here. Oh, gee, thanks a lot, buddy, for bringing me my briefcase. I certainly... Wait a minute, wait a minute. I know you. I drove you down to the station last time. You did? Well, give me my briefcase. You're not going away again, are you? Look, buddy, my... Why do people have to go away? I can't stand saying goodbye. Buddy, buddy, my briefcase, please. If I give it to you, you'll go. I can't go through that again. You went away once before. Look, it wasn't me. You must be thinking of somebody else. No, no, no, it was you all right. War, the chief hope of our enemies, was to divide the United States along racial and religious lines and thereby conquer us. Let's not spread prejudice. A divided America is a weak America and we need the same harmony among our various racial and religious groups. America is the source of our strength and war. Through our behavior, we encourage the respect of our children and make them better neighbors to all races and religions. Remind them that being good neighbors has helped make our country great and kept her free. Thank you. We'll be back in just a minute, but first... That's what they say. American. Lucky strike, first again with Tobacco Man. First again with Tobacco Man. As a recent impartial survey reveals, more independent tobacco experts smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. More than the next two leading brands combined. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. That's what the survey shows. Now listen to what Mr. Porter Gray Wall Sr. 29 years of Tobacco Buyer recently said. At auction after auction, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by plenty of good fine tobacco. Tobacco that's really tops. I've smoked Lucky's 14 years. So light up a Lucky. Puff by puff, you'll see. LSMFT. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. So smoke the smoke, tobacco expert smoke. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to listen. Be sure to listen to A Day in the Life of Dennis Day on Wednesday. First again on Wednesday. Next Sunday we'll be broadcasting from Detroit, Michigan, where we open our personal appearance tour at the Fox Theater on this coming Thursday featuring Phil Harris, Rochester, the sportsman Quartet, and that Metro Golden Mayor Glamour star Marilyn Maxwell. Good night, folks. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.