 Abbott what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Hello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listing place here with Susan Miller and the music of Matty Malley Hold on to your tears folks for here. They are but Abbott and Luke Costello There are no bars and candy stores all Nick candy bars Well, I'll put the old Nick on the shelf tonight. Oh, show them here. I'll have it and don't interrupt me I'm taking a single lesson my teacher says we're not finished on my singing teacher says I'll be enough to let he totally want and Frank should have to all roll into one You will I'll be a loaf of shortening bread with curly hair wearing bobby socks. Haha How can you be a singer? There's them. There's no music in your family Oh, no for your information my uncle might made a fortune with the bell song whether you're singing with a metropolitan opera No, good human man on route 66 You know, you know to be to be a good singer to be a good singer you've got to sing with pear shaped tones They're she told yes the tone must come out of your mouth in the shape of a pear which end first where I'm talking about pear shaped tones. Do you sing with pear shaped tones? I don't know about pear shaped tones Abbott, but when I sing Apple Blossom time it comes out from salad. No You're the saying in public in your life. Oh, you don't think so. No, I did so I was singing opera Carmen I carried a spear and hit the highest note ever hurt. How did you that? I wasn't the only one carrying a spear Folks you're in for some real laughs with our zany stars tonight, but before they continue listen to this Castella, what's the idea? What's the idea of wearing those horn rimmed glasses? There's nothing wrong with your eyes I know but I think they helped my appearance and before I got these glasses when I walked down the street everybody would say There goes that stupid-looking Costello and now what do they say they say there goes that stupid-looking blue Costello wearing glasses You know you're a mess. How'd you get all that pain all over your suit? Well, I saw a pole up in the alley with a sign on it I climbed up the pole to see what the sign says. What does it say? Fresh paint You'd better take that suit over to my uncle Herman at the Kirk dry cleaning plan dry cleaning plan What's your uncle Herman doing there? Well, this is Wednesday. He's dying today. That's terrible Abbott I didn't even know he was sick. Oh, he isn't sick. He's dying He's dying and he isn't sick. That's right. If he was sick, he couldn't die Why not? Well, it's against the rules of the cleaning plan. You mean they wouldn't let him die if he's sick That's right. If a man's sick, they won't let him into the place to die. What do they do leave him out in the alley? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He can't die in the alley. He can't? No, if he wants to die he has to go up the 7th floor He's got a die on the 7th floor. That's certainly it Is there any elevator in a place? No. It's a nerve of the people. What do you mean? Making a poor man climb 7 floors to die Why don't they send him home? Because his wife won't let him die in the house Why don't she don't want him dying in the house? She don't? No. He might as well go crawl under a rock Imagine a guy can even die in his own house. No, no, no. If there's any dying done to be done around the house, his wife does it Huh? I'll make myself clear. If there is if there's any dying to be done around the house, his wife does it What are you laughing at? It was funny at the other way His wife has got a died too? Certainly. What are you trying to do? Bump off the whole family? Don't keep quiet I'm gonna bring Uncle Herman to my house to die. Oh, he couldn't die at your house. Why couldn't he die at my house? Because you have no died You gotta have died to die Will you pay attention? I'm trying to tell you that Uncle Herman has to die so he can live. Well, naturally. I mean, F, F, F What was that? I said my Uncle Herman has to die to live. If he doesn't die, he can't eat. You mean he eats after he dies? Well, certainly he dies for a while then he eats. Then he dies again then he eats some more. Must be the food that's killing him He's eating at your back stage. No, no, no, no you idiot. A man has to eat if he stands up all day dying You mean he has to stand up to die? Naturally. Did you ever hear of anybody lying down to die? All the people I ever knew. Look, Costella He can't. He knows the standard way. No, no, no, no. He can't lie down on the job He's got to be through dying by six o'clock. If he dies after six he gets time and a half. He gets paid for dying Oh, sure. It's peace work. He dies a piece at a time Look you idiot. When I say Uncle Herman is dying I don't mean that he is dying like a person dies when he dies I mean he's dying for a living and a person that dies for a living is living even though he's dying When you say that Uncle Herman is dying you don't mean that he's dying like a person dies when he dies You mean he is dying for a living and a person that dies for living is living although he's dying? Now you've got it I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, it's Susan Miller Hello Susan. Where have you been all week? I'm really working on a Western picture over at Republic Studios Oh, I used to work in those Western pictures. I used to work for Roy Rogers, but they fired me Why one day I forgot the tuna's guitar and the Indians killed him He talks sense castella. When are you and Susan going to get married? Well, I'll tell you soon as I find my place I'll tell you I think Susan and I are going to get Right folks. I got it. I got it I earn enough money Seriously speaking money isn't everything lots of people get married without money Do you know what I was getting when I married my wife? Oh, I bet you didn't eat it What do you want with money money won't buy happiness money won't buy love and money won't buy health money won't buy Contentment, just give me the money kid. I'll do my own shopping Money talks as it said much to me lately These days you can't hold on long enough to start a conversation But I'm gonna do what my aunt may did I'm gonna wait for my ship to come in Did you that may ship come in at me wait a first ship to come in for 40 years then her peer collapsed They they no attention to them Susan. You know you look so sweet tonight Susan. I'd like to give you a great big kiss Well, wait a minute Abbott. Why would a young girl like Susan want to kiss you costello? I've been kissed by girls that wouldn't even look at you. So what I've been kissed by girls that wouldn't look at me either I Can I come over to your house tonight? I should say no after that trick you pulled last night What a nuisance. Well, I bought my mother a new pair of bloomers and Costello opened the box and put a rabbit in them How did your mother find out she had to chase those bloomers all the way to Wilshire Boulevard this morning before she I Wouldn't blame Susan Miller if he never went out with you again You're too selfish you spend all your money on yourself why you spend over $300 this week What did you do with all that money Lou? Well? I haven't got an automobile and I have to take a streetcar the car here in the streetcar there Wait a minute. Just a minute. How can you spend $300 in one week riding street cars? I forget to take transfer Come in good evening gentlemen I'm lawyer melon head and I have the pleasure to inform you mr. Costello that you're in line for an inheritance of $800,000 left to you by your great-great grandfather Diamond Jim Costello wait a minute Costello this this doesn't sound right to me Where did your great-great grandfather ever make that much money? He invented a cake of soap with a hole in the middle Well, what good is a cake of soap with a hole in the middle that way you never have a piece left over Oh your melon head castellate great-grandfather's will was probated 75 years ago when the old man died yes, and that's when I started my search But I wasn't born 75 years ago. No wonder. I couldn't find you. Oh That's it. Well furthermore. I have a point of order to establish here The money was left to the oldest grandson now and looking up the records I found that you costello were a twin and I just couldn't believe it and why not well I took one look at you and I said there can't be another one like him You know how that this guy's a phony how dare you I'm an expert on wills all my life Costello all my life I've been searching for missing airs from the looks of your shiny dome. You never found any Castella you never told me that you had a twin brother. Oh, yes, my mother Kristen does Louis and Dewey But we don't talk about Dewey He got my mother into a lot of trouble when he was six months old Mom was taking him from Paterson to New York and at the state line. They arrested it He was carrying your brother Dewey and they arrested her. They claim she was smuggling dope You know, I've looked up your brother Dewey's record. It's true He started out in life as a dope, but he studied hard and in the few years he became an idiot Not satisfied. He forged the head and became a moron then he studied harder soon He was an income poop and then after years of diligence study at the age of 21 Your brother Dewey became the world's first small. I Think I should be proud of them But what has that got to do with the will well Dewey has filed a claim to the fortune He says that he is the older of the twins. Oh, no, no, that's a lie and I hope I can prove it I was born 10 minutes before Dewey that money is mine mine. You hear me mine That money is mine. All right. All right. Don't get excited. Don't get any award was a little late for me That money was mine Malin head Hand it over. You better not so fast I must have definite legal proof that you are the elder twins. Oh, that's easy Costella has his birth certificate that will prove his aid very well Costello. Here's my card Bring your birth certificate to my office and it proves that you are older than your twin brother Dewey I will give you the legacy. Why can't I have the money? I already got a legacy. You've got it You've got a legacy. Surely. I've got two legacies to arm a sheet and a couple of hypocrites We're gonna go we're going over and get your birth certificate. Come on And there's a lot more mad stuff still to come but right now a change of pace to let you hear this Susan Miller our singing star joins Maddie Malnick for the cleverest set of lyrics ever written about those three little words In the love song It's got everything a simple sort of a bitty Anyone can now there's a chance that you might think my love song is But where there are no Love Inside out and you still haven't found your birth certificate Remember your twin brother Dewey has already presented his claim to the fortune He says he's the oldest and unless you can prove he's wrong you lose your inheritance You've got to find that birth certificate. All right, Abbot. Hey look here's the old vest I used to keep my birth certificate in I just looked in the pocket. What do you think I found your birth certificate? No the whole I must have lost it from Wait a minute seems to me used to keep all your important papers in your back pocket can't be there rabbit Look at that big hole. I got in the back of my pants nonsense There's a hole in the back of your pants. Why can't I see your underwear? I also got a hole in my underwear Yes, I mean we've got to find that birth certificate. I don't know where it is Abbott I've snooped all over the house. I snooped in the kitchen. I snooped in the blond's apartment next door I snooped in the cellar. I snooped in the blond's apartment next door Then I snooped in the attic then I snooped in the blond's apartment next door Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Why do you keep going back to that blond's apartment? Do you think you lost it there? No, but do you know a better place to snoop? That's a fellow. This is serious think think please where did you put that birth certificate? I Got it. I got it. I left it in the pocket of my pink shirt that I sent to the Chinese laundry yesterday Well, that's good now. Come on. We're going to get that shirt I Lumpfong's real Chinese laundry come on in you've got a ticket no ticket no sucky wait a minute I thought it was no ticket no shirty or this week a running special no ticket or sucky All right, you lumpfong. I'm not here me. I'm not I Don't like this laundry business habit. I want to open a handlony, but I nearly starved to death There's no money in a handlony. Why most people wash your own hands. Oh No sense this the fun. Where is Castello's laundry? Oh here my laundry be lady are Flagging. Oh, well, we don't care if it's that if it's ready or not We just that we want to look through his straight. Castello left something important in his pocket Oh, we know what shirt are here. He's a little tiny laundry. We send all the shirt to China You mean you sent my shirts to China. Oh, yes. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Look, mr. Fong I gotta get that shirt right away even if I have to go to China for all very good You go to China. He is out of less of a home office in China. Bye Well castello the Santa clip leaves for Hong Kong in an hour I hope that laundry has your shirt with your birth certificate in isn't it exciting castella. We're going to China See, maybe I'll see my cousin one along Costello He's in a silk business in China. He started in business with two silkworms They made six pairs of silk stockings a day, then he got an idea now They make a thousand pairs of stockings a day. How did he do it? He made the worms partners in the business Then he tried the corner of the market by getting his hands on every pair of silk stockings in China But he got arrested now the last fairy got his hands on there was a girl still in them Now he's living in Burma. He's a big man in Burma. He works for a shaving cream company in Burma Which one? Barbersoul You idiot, you know nothing about the Orion. Oh, I just so I I used to make dates with a rickshaw A rickshaw, a rickshaw is a long skinny thing that you drag around and takes you hours to get any plays with that's her Well, maybe we'll see your cousin while we're in China I hope so but I got a great idea for him. I'm going to get him to cross silkworms with garter snake What for so he can raise silk stockings that will stay up by themselves As your cousin in China long lose the day since the days of Marco football. No, you mean Marco polo This was before he learned to play polo All forget about that now if we're going to China, we may run into a heavy rain a monsoon What would a monsoon be doing in China monsoon as a Frenchman like monsoon book here No, that's all shit if you no no no no no no no no that's the sewer Missors a guy that works in a circus bath like a Swedish miss or all castella That's my sore miss or miss or is what I got in front of my house all my water runs down the store No, I can hardly wait to get the turn at it I want to see them Chinese play baseball with the Chinese play baseball ain't you never heard of the Yankee Stadium Pretty good II just threw that one in I should have thrown it out. Yeah Come on, I just got time to make the sign a clipper Hey, we're stuck that's yellow not a seat left on the China clipper. I just spoke to the ticket clerk Well, let me handle it. What's this? Go ahead. You clicky. Meet Charlie Chen. We must get to China Very very important face. Why Charlie Chan a great detective. Have you solved any big cases lately? Me just saw case of blonde bubble Denzel who shoot husband. Yeah, I read about that She claimed that she couldn't have shot the gun because she was holding on to a bubble with both hands He was a bubble as a alibi. How did you solve it me see through her alibi? What case do you want now miss or me me me or yes me working on case of man who steal locomotive from Santa Fe railroad, honey. Do you know where he's hiding? No But the first time he goes for a ride brother will we nail him? Okay, Mr. Chan, here's your ticket China clipping already on runway six all aboard for China kukamonga Anaheim and Azusa. Oh wait just a minute at the plane is going to China Why are you hollering anaheim kukamonga and Azusa? It gets last another program Got that was a long trip. Are you sure? Are you sure you're not afraid to fly to China me afraid? Why I come from a family of flyers my grandfather was a commercial pilot for 75 years 75 years ago He was a commercial pilot now. They didn't have planes 75 years ago. No wonder. He was always out of work Come on. We're off to China to find your birth certificate. Think of it. You're going to be rich all aboard Look what the bill brought welcome to China gentlemen. I am the dragon lady I am Costello And I like what you're dragon Be careful Costello these overnight women are beautiful, but they're dangerous. Just look at her eyes Yeah, she's got slants in her glance She's gorgeous So you like me little fat one Yeah, beautiful If it's natural for you to like me after all, you know, you are a man and I am a woman Honey, you should mention that. I noticed it the minute I came in That one may I be of service to you? What is your play? Play and poo But after seeing you I think I'll give it up Miss dragon lady, we have come all the way from America to get a shirt for Costello. Sorry, we don't make that size in China either Try Omar the temp maker in Persia Son for sure to the laundry and the laundry man told us he sent it here to be laundered Oh, was it a pink shirt with white button and initial LC on the pocket? Yes. I didn't see it But my brother did and he told me to tell you that your birth certificate was not in the pocket How did your brother know I was looking for my birth certificate? My brother is your head writer one dumb pun Have it now. I remember I didn't leave my birth certificate in my shirt. I left it in the blue suit I sent it a clean as you idiot. Come on. We're going back to America Honorable Costello. Yes, darling before you leave. Yes, sir. Allow me to kiss you. Goodbye You do every week. Why not now? My line says, please do Come I will give you a real Chinese kiss. It will make your hair fall out that I intend to see Come here Castellum say something Abbot table my mother that ball. He won't be home Come on. Castella. We've just got time to make the China couple back to America Well, Castellum, are you sure this is the place you left your suit with the birth certificate in the pocket? Yes This is it. Abbot see the sign genuine French dry cleaners Monsieur Siroplace, what can I do for you? I left the suit here last week to be clean and I left something in the pocket I'd like to get the suit. Oh, but the suit is not here, Monsieur. The suit is not here No, this is a genuine French dry cleaner. We send all these suits to Paris France. Oh Oh This is terrible. This is of course. This is unbelievable. Eh, could I say something? Yes This is the Abbott and Costello radio show The boys will be back for a curtain call in just a few seconds the time it takes to tell you this And Costello with a final word say say Castelli you never told me that you had a twin brother Oh, yes, do we a mere twin I ain't seen him since we were babies. Did you look alike? Yeah, we were as much alike as two peas in an old tin can. You mean two peas in a pod We were so poor that we couldn't afford a pod. Oh, good night Tonight at this time for another great Abbot and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Maddy Malnick's Orchestra This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station