 Hence Robert Montgomery and Alyssa Landy in the Grand Duchess and the Waiter with Jean Lockhart and Alma Krueger Lux presents Hollywood our stars Robert Montgomery Alyssa Landy Jean Lockhart Alma Krueger and Lionel Pape our guests Vince Barnett and Natalie Bucknell our Producer Cecil B. DeMille our conductor Lewis Silvers on behalf of our sponsors the makers of Lux Flakes Welcome everyone to another hour in Hollywood Attention housewives here are three points to bear in mind for clothes protection Lux Flakes cut down runs in silk stockings by preserving the elasticity of the threads They keep your clothes new looking so much longer by doing away with harsh cake soap rubbing Lux Flakes are so gentle that we include even your daintiest lingerie and saying anything safe in water alone is safe in Lux Try Lux tomorrow and now the producer of the Lux Radio Theatre ladies and gentlemen, mr. Cecil B. DeMille Greetings from Hollywood ladies and gentlemen By birth and circumstance tonight stars are well equipped to play the parts of a noble woman and a waiter Alyssa Landy happens to be the daughter of a countess While Robert Montgomery proved his ability to wait by waiting nine years before fame and fortune came to him in Hollywood Both are under contract to MGM Bob left a job as a deckhand on an oil tanker to play tank towns and stock companies He wrote for a while in Greenwich Village But preferring three meals a day to art went to auto con for advice and alone. He got the advice Once on Broadway, however, Bob's ability was quickly recognized He turned down silent picture offers but turned westward when talkies arrived Off the screen Bob's as serious as he's carefree on it He's president of the screen actors guild an avid reader an amateur farmer and enjoys driving fast cars and hard bargains In spare moments. He writes stories and carries on a perpetual game of backgammon with Frank Morgan After months of playing he and Frank each insists the other owes him nine dollars I first became acquainted with Alyssa Landy's remarkable talents when I engaged her to star with Frederick March and the sign of the cross Not only an accomplished actress Alyssa is the author of five novels considerable poetry and a play now pending production in New York She's a singer and pianist and knowing several languages has made pictures in France Germany and Sweden Born in Italy. She's heard tonight as the Grand Duchess Zanea When we first meet in a Swiss hotel all in all a woman of the world As the waiter Robert Montgomery bears a tray in his hands a napkin over his left arm and the name of Albert and With these nutshell introductions the curtain rises and the Lux Radio Theatre Presentation of Alfred Savoir's comedy the Grand Duchess and the waiter Starring Robert Montgomery and Alyssa Landy with Jean Lockhart and Alma Kruger Our scene is the lounge room of the Palace Hotel at Montreux, Switzerland It's early evening and except for the presence of Albert the waiter the room is deserted Albert are tired in a brass button waiters coat and stiff wasn't shirt is slumped comfortably in an armchair I'd leave blowing rings of smoke at the ceiling Matard the hotel manager enters the lounge He sees Albert stop short and then stands watching him with ill-disguised irritation Well, good evening Albert. Oh, hello quite comfortable. I hope got everything you require. Yes. Thank you There's a draft though. You might shut that door shut the door You must be mad mad or insane. I don't know which a fine waiter I've been landed with sitting in the lounge room and what's that you're smoking that? That's a cigar. Why a cigar you picked them up in the gutter I suppose no not as a rule well That's what you'll be doing soon enough if you don't look out you don't happen to have a match on you Do you get out of that chair get up? I say Well, if you insist do you realize that this is the first time in the history of this hotel that any of its staff and Amir waiters who has dared to sit in the lounge You know say why I wouldn't sit here myself even though I am the manager. I know my place What are you doing here? Just thinking thinking Dreaming. Yes. That's it dreaming. How did you know? Well, you're going to have a rude awakening young man The next thing you know is that so that is so it was only on mr. Hapgood's recommendation that I employed you at all But when he hears how you've been behaving are you gonna snitch a what do you mean snitch? Yes, I said I'm going to tell that's what I thought you said be quiet of all the hotels that mr. Hapgood supervises he sends you to this one, but wait just wait. All right. I will but what have I done wrong? What have you done right? That's what I want to know. Well, I haven't had much experience. Don't talk nonsense It isn't experience that counts in our profession. It's instinct instinct. Oh, yeah Now how many tips have you had during the last week? Tell me that well as a matter of fact I'm not one. I thought as much. Oh, you're of no use at all Doesn't my fault that people forget to tip me not your fault. Why of course it is Nobody's going to tip you unless you insist upon it. How on earth can I insist upon it quite easily you have finished serving? Do you leave? No, no You say Will that be all miss you everything quite satisfactory miss you. I see and then I hold out my hand. Oh, no, you don't have to It's merely a question of will strength of character The power of the human no no no wouldn't work if I tried it would if you had any brains any tact Oh, but you'll never learn the perfect waiter is born not me I thought I was getting pretty good at the waiting part of it. You're lamentable Absolutely lamentable directly a crisis arises. You're done. Yes now when you're waiting on our ordinary clients You do manage to make go some sort of a show. Yes, that's what I thought But when it's something unusual why you lose your head completely Now what happens when you serve vegetables at the Grand Duke's table? Oh, you tremble all over Your knees knocked together so loudly it could be heard in the next room Yes, and tonight at dinner you dropped and spilled the melted butter down the Grand Duchess's back Oh, did I do that? It must have slipped you slipped Yes, and you were in such a days that I don't believe you even noticed it Well, you must have burnt her highness badly burnt her good lord. I must have looked like a halfway you exaggerate by 50% Yes, perhaps you're right The Grand Duchess could never care for a quarter weight could care the grand What are you talking about? Listen, what is the Grand Duchess? She has been calling for a waiter. Where is she in the private line? I would count us a ball off and the two grand you send Louie send or more I've been looking for the monsieur, but Louis is all Why did I ever become the manager of a hotel? Albert, you'll have to go now quick. I'm on my way But for heaven's sake don't spill anything Come in Good evening your highness What is it? You asked for a waiter That was 10 minutes ago Yes, but I It's never mind now coffee for four And one brandy One brandy, two brandy Oh Coffee for four and two brandy Oh go on, go on Yes, your highness You would order a brandy, Uncle Paul? Might just go, why not? Haven't I just been telling you all of you that we're in desperate financial strait? But Zane, you're just two brandies It can't be as bad as that Oh, but it is, Peter What do you think we've been living on? We haven't paid a bill for two months Oh, but I'm sure the manager trusts us, your highness Of course he does But what's going to happen when he presents his bill? Well, I suggest that we... Worry about that when the time comes I'm not worrying, Peter I'm merely advising all of you that our funds are very low Oh And you may be a Grand Duke, Peter And you too, Uncle Paul But even grand dupes must die in occasional length But your highness, the jewels are they all gone? You've only got to look at me to see For a year and a half after the revolution We lived on what I wore on my fingers My wrists proved enough for the next two years After that, my ears kept us going for another six months The day there's nothing left but my neck Your neckless Oh no, your highness, you can't tell that Ah, the impressed necklace Peter, stop speculating It's the only thing we have left Impossible, I absolutely forbid it While it was only your rings, tiara and bracelets I raised an objection Those trinkets I should be able to replace someday Hmm, someday Well, yes, and very soon too, I hope But the imperial necklace Oh, that's quite a different matter altogether Why, it's irreplaceable, unique I entirely agree, Paul You know, Xenia It's always been a family arrangement As they will of the late emperor That someday you and I should get married Someday, eh? Eh? Yeah, well, I'm speaking therefore With the authority of your future husband When I forbid you to sell that necklace We haven't sunk to that yet My poor Peter And I may add that as far as I'm concerned You needn't bother I'm earning my own living You, earning your living? You mean to say that you're at work? Yes, I'm... Well, it's not work exactly It's more what you might call business It's like this I buy an automobile on credit, you see And then I sell it again A little cheaper for cash Is that all? That's all, but as I've managed to do it Four times during the last month I've made a profit of nearly 200,000 francs 200,000? Thought what? Did you get such a wonderful idea? I don't know, just came to me Oh, it's an inspiration You flatter me, Uncle Paul No, I only say what I think Yes, there's no doubt that men of our class Possess a sort of innate superiority Over ordinary people And we can't help showing it Even when we forsake our own sphere To engage in a vulgar thing like trade Peter, how much of that 200,000 francs Have you got left? Oh, well, as a matter of fact, just for the moment Nothing at all A charming lady of the chorus Whom you see so much of What charming? How did you know? Well, everybody knows She's taken everything from you I understand, even your diamond studs Really, Peter, as a future husband You have some qualities that are not altogether attractive Zania, now Oh, I'm not jealous But let me give you a word of advice Try wearing bone studs in the future And perhaps you'll be able to keep some But Zania, dear I must also ask you not to meddle in my affairs I do what I do because it's my duty You'll believe me when I say that at heart I Well, I should have preferred Of course, you wouldn't understand I'm afraid I don't Come in The coffee, Your Highness Well, don't stand there holding it up in the air Put it down Yes, Your Highness Nothing spilled Are you in the habit of setting down trays in that manner? I'm so sorry, Your Highness It slipped a little Slip? Slip And the table too It's a bad table to serve on You see downstairs the tables are lower They're at least two inches different, Your Highness Oh, well, that explains... Oh, what has that got to do with it? Well, a great deal, Your Highness When one is used to serving on a low table And suddenly encounters a high table The impulse is to let the tray down to the height of the low table Well, well, well Well, well, that's what I did Get out Wait a minute Aren't you the same waiter who poured the melted butter down my back at dinner? Yes, Your Highness That was I Well, you seem proud of it Oh, no, just pleased that Your Highness remembers me Get out Yes, Your Highness Is there... Will that be all, Your Highness? What? Uh, is everything quite satisfactory, Your Highness? No Oh, I told the manager it wouldn't work if I tried it What did he say? Well, a man's dementia We ought to do something about it We will Remind me in the morning to speak to the manager We'll have him discharged before breakfast Albert Uh-huh What are you doing? Polishing the silver? Well, you can stop Thank you You're discharged What? Are you deaf? You're discharged? Have you written to Mr. Hapgood already? Oh, I don't have to write to him I'm discharging you at the request of the Grand Duchess Xavier I refuse to offer my resignation Resignation? Are you crazy? You're through, you're finished Pack your bag and get out Where is Her Highness? Oh, it won't do you any good to appeal to her Get away from that pole Hello, connect me with the Grand Duchess suite Stop, do you hear what I say? Stop pushing, will you? I'm going to ask her myself Yes, this is the Countess of Valov Albert? Oh, not Prince Albert of Latvonia What? Albert the wait... How dare you? Who was that, Proscovia? Oh, no one, Your Highness Good I'm in no mood to speak to anyone this morning Oh Your Highness is sad Strangely enough, no Now that I've at last decided to part with the necklace I feel a sense of relief After all, what does it matter? What does anything matter nowadays? Peter been here this morning? Yes, Your Highness He left immediately He's gone to speak to the jeweler You take the necklace with him? No, Your Highness It's there in the jewel box I suppose Peter will haggle for a week or two About the price Your Highness Don't you think you should keep the necklace in the hotel safe? Don't be silly But he's worth a fortune and with so many robberies Well, then you won't rob the Grand Duchess, then you'll let that be enough Yes, Your Highness Well, I shall want the cart for today, Countess A ride would be good for me A walk would be better, Your Highness What? The chauffeur gave notice last night He's gone Why? Money? Poor fool, he should have waited till I sold the necklace Well, we shall get someone else Who is it? It's Albert You? Get out of here One moment, please I thought you were discharged Yes, I was, Your Highness, but you needn't be alarmed I won't upset anything I won't break anything or spill anything You see, I have nothing in my hands except a napkin This useless and perfectly hateful napkin And why is it hateful? Because it's a symbol of my lowly station, Your Highness It weighs a ton Then why don't you put it in your pocket? You don't mind, thank you There, I feel better already Your Highness What an extraordinary way I'm glad I'm able to make you laugh I know how little gaudy there is in Your Highness's life What do you mean? Oh, have I said too much? It would appear so You Swiss believe too much in democracy Swiss? No, not me, I'm an American Really? What's an American way to doing in a Swiss hotel? Well, it's a long story, Your Highness Then we shan't bother with it Very good, Your Highness But might I be allowed to ask Your Highness a question? No Understand whatever your name is Albert, Your Highness Understand, Albert, Etiquette does not permit me to be asked a question That must be rather a handicap to general conversation Well, I promise not to ask any questions But I have a request to make to Your Highness A humble, a very humble petition Impossible All petitions must first be addressed to Countess Avalloff, my lady in waiting It is for her to decide whether this should be passed on to me I see Countess Avalloff, I beg of you I beseech you to convey my petition to Her Highness It depends on what it is Whether I think it's suitable I admit that I'm not a very experienced waiter I'm clumsy, I know I lose my head when I pass the asparagus Yes, go on, we know about that But is that sufficient reason to blight my young career To nip it in the bud? I shall improve in time, I know I shall And even if I haven't any of the qualities necessary to a good waiter I may possess other virtues, unsuspected, hidden away Which are just as admirable? Is it not so? It's possible Undoubtedly Countess Avalloff, I am devoted to her Highness What? In a nice way I am devoted to her with a loyalty, with a passion That mocks the power of words All that I ask is to be allowed to serve her With the last breath in my body With the last drop of my blood In Her Highness's service I should live in ecstasy I should die content That, Countess Avalloff, is the petition I beg you to lay at the feet of Her Highness Is that all? That's all And refuse to forward your petition You refuse? It's already in the wastebasket Countess Avalloff Your Highness Forward the man's petition It is Your Highness's wish It's my command You may go, Albert Thank you, Your Highness Schopenhauer was evidently right Who, Your Highness? Schopenhauer, the German philosopher He said that monarchy was the form of rule most natural to mankind The common people in their hearts are still loyal to their rulers And when we find a man like that, a mere waiter Who can express himself on the subject With so much eloquence, so much obvious sincerity How can we doubt that someday our people Will return to a reasonable form of governance? Nothing is more certain, Your Highness I'm glad I told the manager that it's charging Now I can find something for him to do in my own household What? He might even act as my chauffeur We need one As Your Highness wishes Your Highness commands and, of course, I can only obey What's the matter? Are you anything against him? No, Your Highness, nothing Nothing Hmm? I merely ask if Your Highness is certain She is not making a mistake A mistake Is that waiter really the devoted monarchist That Your Highness seems to imagine? Oh, you're absurd You see spies everywhere Oh, I don't, for a moment, suggest that Albert's a spy What I think he may be is Well, go on But it isn't altogether impossible The man may be in love In love Look whom? With, uh, with Your Highness Plus, Gavia, it's a long time since I boxed your ears Your Highness Your mad, absolutely mad Yes, Your Highness There can't be anybody so idiotic as you in the whole world Oh, no, Your Highness The terrible times we've been through have upset your mental balance The whole world's gone mad, I know But even so there must be some limits to its folly There are few things left that one may still regard as impossible Ah, yes, Your Highness The servant, this waiter in love with me How dare you to imagine such a thing? Well, I don't know But you must know, explain yourself Well, really, I can't But, well, you see, yes For the last week he certainly been making eyes at Your Highness Making eyes at me Plus, Gavia, leave the room at once Oh, yes Oh, and don't dare come back until my temper's had time to cool down Yes, Your Highness Yes Matard, oh Matard, what is it? Come out in the driveway a minute, will you? What do you mean by jelly? Oh, so it's you Will you tell Her Highness her cars here? You are working for her now, yes Well, you fired me Tell her, will you? Tell her yourself She's coming now Your Highness I asked you to be here at four, Elba I'm so sorry, Your Highness There wasn't any gasoline in the car Oh, um, you put some in, I hope Yes, Your Highness Remind me to reimburse you at the end of the month Where to, Your Highness? Anywhere But before we start, I hope you're better at driving Than you are at serving Oh, Your Highness will be amazed I hope so At serving, Your Highness, I admitted that I was totally inexperienced Really? But behind the wheel, I'm a new person I understand automobiles I admire your confidence You've been driving long Ten years, Your Highness, without an accident of any kind Enviable record What the... It might help if you turned on the switch Your Highness Did you say anywhere, Your Highness? Anywhere, all I want to do is relax and breathe fresh air So go slowly It will be a pleasure to serve, Your Highness A great pleasure You are devoted Here, what are you doing? Stop! Stop! There's something wrong Look what you've done, look at the car Well, what have you got to say? I'm so sorry, Your Highness Something must have slipped again Before we go on with the Lux Radio Theater's presentation Of the Grand Duchess and the Waiter Let's stop in at one of Hollywood's department stores It's closing time And Lola and Irene Two sales girls in the Corset Department Are totaling their sales for the day Haven't you finished adding that yet, Lola? Four and three or seven And one or eight and four or twelve There, that's what I call a record Over a hundred and twelve dollars in one day Over a hundred and twelve dollars? How do you do it? With the help of Lux? Lux, you don't sell Lux Of course not, silly But you can't wear a girdle And Lux it at the same time You need at least two of you to take proper care of them Naturally But then you spend twice as much How do you explain that to your customers? Ha, that's easy Buying two is so much more economical in the long run When you Lux them off the earth, they actually last longer Lola's right Alert women are discovering for themselves The economy of Lux care for girdles and foundations Frequent Luxing not only keeps them fresh And protects their fit But actually prolongs their wear These fine tissue-like flakes preserve elasticity, you know They dissolve quickly in cool water Hot water is bad for elastic fabrics Soaps containing harmful alkali weaken elasticity Lux has no harmful alkali Anything safe in water alone is safe in Lux Remember to get a box tomorrow As you know, these gentle flakes preserve the life and luster Of all your dainty things And now, Mr. DeMille With Alyssa Landy as the grand duchess Robert Montgomery as the waiter And an all-star cast, we continue our play After wrecking the automobile Albert was given another chance in our heinous service But not behind the wheel He's been reduced to the position of footman and general handyman Bearing it with more than goodwill In order to be near the duchess It's a week later And in his royal employer's suite Albert is very carefully serving breakfast to her heinous And the grand dupore How many lumps, your heinous? Two, and if you spill anything, I'll have you flogged It's very good, your heinous I'll have mine black Yes, your heinous Well, I suppose Peter's out again this morning, Xenia He's out every morning I can't understand He's been handling for a week with that blasted joy Uncle Paul What? Oh, yes, of course You may go, Martin I said you may go The name is Albert, your heinous I prefer to call you Martin Avoid confusion with the Prince of Latvonia Oh, your heinous flatters me I'll never mind that, run along Wait, answer that Yes, your heinous Hello, hello, Martin speaking Martin, your heinous Who is it? It's the Grand Duke Peter Hello, your heinous Yes, Martin No, no, your heinous Albert is no longer here, this is Martin Give me that phone Yes, your heinous Hello, Peter, what do you want? What? What? Well, where are you? Oh, Peter Xenia, what is it? But Peter, they can't do that Oh, I see, I see Xenia, for the love of heaven, what? Speak louder Yes, yes, of course Very well Xenia, what is the matter? The Grand Duke Peter's in jail What? In jail But what for? He sold too many motor cars on credit Good Lord, I knew I knew that scheme was too good What are we going to do? To do? Well, what is the matter? Well, I don't know If I may speak, your heinous Well? Under the circumstances, the best possible course of action is to bail him out Oh, yes, yes, certainly Yes, yes, of course, we... Oh, yes, yes, of course If your heinous will leave it in my hands Oh, of course Thank you, Martin I'll see the authority And Martin Yes, your heinous? Oh, remind me to reimburse you at the end of the month Yes, your heinous Albert Albert, why don't you answer me? The name is Martin, her heinous changed it Barbra, have you seen her heinous Barstow? You're the maid here, Henrietta, not me Really? Really Then what are you doing in her heinous room? Don't be saucy, it doesn't become you I'm here because she told me to come here Oh, she's getting awfully friendly with you, isn't she? She doesn't know I exist Oh, yes, she does Ever since you got the grand dupe Peter out of jail you've become her little pride and joy I don't have to get so upset about it I'm not But every time she wants anything, she calls you And even if she doesn't want anything she thinks up something to want so she'll have an excuse to call you Are you sure of that? You don't have to look so happy about it But far with you I'd remember that she's a grand duchess and you're nothing but a waiter Oh, you're letting your imagination run away with you So are you Oh, Albert Don't let's argue I don't like to argue Especially with you Now, the name is Martin Well Then Martin Don't let's argue Excuse me, I No, wait Why do you always run away when I speak to you? Run away? Don't be silly Oh, but you do Don't you like me? Of course I like you I like everybody, it's my disposition No A girl could get to like you easily Is that so? Albert Now, here, stop it You're choking me Now, don't do it, please Oh, lord What is going on, girl? Oh, your highness Silence Martin, I'm ashamed of you My own servant Oh, but your highness Get out Y-yes, your highness Well? What have you got to say to yourself? Nothing, your highness Fine servant, you are You spill things down my back Wreck my car and I find you kissing my maid There no limit to your audacity Audacity? I'll tell Countess Avalloff about this She'll put a stop to your amen Oh, your highness You're not going to discharge me No Thank you Does it really mean so much to you? More than your highness will ever know Why? Your highness, I- Stop, but I want to know But I'll keep an eye on you in the future You've had too much liberty That's what's the matter with you In the future, you'll be within call all the time Even at night? Yes You can sleep outside my room What? Outside my door, on the mat On the- on the mat? That's where Ivan used to sleep Poor old Ivan He's now so crippled with rheumatism He can't sleep at all Has it ever occurred to your highness That poor Ivan may be crippled with rheumatism From having slept on your highness's mat? You would think of that, of course It's just like you Anyhow, I give you permission to bring a rug You'll be quite comfortable Your highness Well? It's quite impossible for me to sleep here Outside your highness's door It would be fatal You're afraid of Ivan's rheumatism I'm ashamed of you It would be absolutely fatal Not necessarily But if it were, you may be sure you'd be given a decent burial Oh You may leave now And don't forget you're to report to me here at 11 tonight With the mat Yes, with the mat Yes Half past 10 I wonder where Sanya is I don't know She said she wanted to speak to us after dinner And then she disappeared You know, she's been acting very strangely of late Have you noticed it? No Yeah, she wouldn't But she has And I think she must be in love Who? My Sanya Oh Oh, no, I don't think so Besides, who would she be in love with? Well, she's engaged to you Eh? Oh, oh, yes Good evening Oh, Sanya at last Well, we've been waiting for you Yes, my dear, where have you been? I went for a walk I wanted to think To think? Why, my dear girl? Don't be so horrified, Peter Peter, some people do think, you know Well, you said you wanted to see her, Sanya Yes Something astonishing has happened Oh, I knew it What? Nothing, go on Well, listen For the last two weeks, Peter's been trying to sell the necklace Sell the necklace? Well, he hasn't been successful No, that confounded jeweler won't meet our price Never mind During that time, we've been very hard-pressed for cash That's true But tonight, before dinner, I happened to look in the drawer of my desk And I found 25,000 francs What luck But I can't remember putting them there That's why, before you dressed before and for dinner I asked you to turn out your pockets And make a note of exactly how much money each of us had You, Uncle Paul, had a thousand francs, new Peter, 650 Yes Now, do you mind counting your money again? Of course not, if you wish it Let me see, six, seven, nine, eleven Well, well, this is funny I seem to have another 400 francs That's curious, I've got an extra 200 There, you see? Well, this is very unusual How did it happen? Well, that's the problem we've got to solve Well, it appears very much as though we're the objects of a secret and generous charity Ah, but who is our anonymous benefactor? That's what I'd like to know You don't suspect me, do you? No, Peter You're right, I couldn't manage it There's been rather a slump in the motor trade Have you cross-examined the subs? They know nothing, whatever about it Well, it must have connived with it Money doesn't drop from the skies At least, that's not its usual habit No, more is the pity I don't understand it, and it annoys me Well, erm, what shall we do about it? Nothing That is until we've had a chance to think it over Sleep on it tonight And we'll talk further in the morning What time is it, Uncle Paul? Well, it's going on for eleven Eleven, I must go to my room Good night, Uncle Paul Good night, Zeno Bye, Peter Good night, my dear, love Good evening, Your Highness Well, what are you doing in my sitting room? Your Highness told me I was to sleep at her door I always go to bed at this hour, so here I am What's that you're carrying? It's a dressing gown, Your Highness, and pajamas Pajamas? Some pajamas Yes, I've slept in them for years But are we coming to the lower classes wearing silk pajamas? We have to have some enjoyment, Your Highness Silk pajamas are small compensation for the dreary existence of a waiter Yes, I suppose so You know, Martin, you're a very interesting person Thank you You're a little insane, of course Of course But nevertheless interesting I think I enjoy talking to you Every word Your Highness addresses to me is a glittering jewel flung from the stars I treasure it You really feel that way? That's only part of it There's more? Much more If Your Highness only knew how I worshipped Stop! But I want to hear it I'm going to my room Yes, Your Highness Good night Good night, Your Highness Oh, by the way, before I go let me give you a word of advice or perhaps I should say a warning I'm of rather a nervous disposition I keep a revolver under my pillow and if by any accident you happen to open my door unexpectedly you'd be greeted with six bullets not one of which would miss its mark I think you understand Yes, perfectly, Your Highness Good night Good night, Your Highness Oh, Your Highness I can't sleep You didn't allow much time to try No use, I can't I want to talk Shall I call the Countess of Valov? No, you do Thank you You said one moment who's keys and things are those on the table? They're mine Is Your Highness a chief too? Yes, Your Highness Pure silk must have cost at least a hundred francs Yes, it's very likely it was a present From a woman? Yes, Your Highness What's this thing? It's my wallet You know, for money It's a grain with a gold clasp Another present? Uh, yes, Your Highness Some of the same woman? No, no, Your Highness, from another one It was last year I congratulate you on your constancy the perfect lover And who are you keeping company with now? No one, Your Highness Why not? I'm in love With whom? I don't dare to tell you But I... I'm lucky for you, you don't Yes, Your Highness May I have my wallet, please? Why? Well, it is mine Well, what's in it? Your Highness is too inquisitive Who dare you? I'll see for myself Your Highness Stand back You're well supplied with money, aren't you? There are over 30,000 francs here Why do you carry so much? Well, it's just an old habit of mine I think I'm beginning to understand something Those banknotes I found in my desk The numbers follow these in your pocket Your Highness, I'm sure that... So it's you who put those notes in my desk And not only that But you've been putting money in my purse, too Well, speak up Why have you done this? Your Highness is so... So extravagant Stravagant? Well, aren't you? But why? Your Highness, you do this What's your option? It had to be done The manager's about to present his bill I knew Your Highness was embarrassed And afraid you might have to leave the hotel I didn't want that Let me see exactly how I stand I like things to be plain and aboveboard The simple truth of the matter is That for the last three weeks I've been supported by a waiter Well, of course, if you put it like that I admire your impertence Well, I... Liberty's a wonderful thing, isn't it? When it enables a man to take such liberties A waiter, a domestic servant, faresed But where did you get all this money? Your Highness, I... How on earth could you have so much? That's the thing I can't say It's not difficult to guess Thief, that's what you are Thief? One of a gang of hotel robbers Yes, perhaps you're right The leader? Naturally A murderer Your Highness If this were before the revolution I'd have you sent for the salt mine But it's not too late even now I shall telephone the police The telephone's over there on the desk Give it to me Certainly, Your Highness Shall I ring them for you? Yes, please Hello? Give me the police station What? No, no, any police station We've got a thief here And we want to hand him over Hello? Is that the police station? Oh, wait Wait, please Will Your Highness speak to them herself? No, I can't do it You know I can't It's more than I can bear No, no, hello She can't do it You know she can't do it It's more than she can bear Goodbye Goodbye I love you I've loved you I've loved you for so long I can't help it I had to Oh, stop, stop Please go, Martin I beg of you No, Your Highness And after what's happened between us I can no longer be Martin to you Call me Albert Albert, like the Prince of Latvarnia Albert, go away, please Please I love you I do But oh, don't you understand You must go away You love me too How long have you loved me? That day you burnt me With that horrible melted butter Oh, yes It was then I suddenly realized Not till then I realized much earlier When? Well, it was 10 minutes earlier When I was serving the soup I loved you so much I didn't know what I was doing Luckily, they took the soup green away from me The manager gave me the devil Oh, unjust No, no, I deserved it It's too unjust Here am I the most virtuous The proudest of princesses In love with a waiter Xenia What did you call me? Xenia So it's come to this A waiter has the right to call me Xenia Now, look here You're not going to be silly about this, are you? Oh, don't you understand I am the grand duchess Xenia For generations my family's been of noble blood Our men have married queens Our women, princes Couldn't you make an exception in this case? Stop Stop I'm sorry Xenia Look up here I want you to promise me one thing Yes Don't marry anyone else until you hear from me But Promise? I love you, Albert Darling Am I stalking, Senator? Yes, your highness Your highness is unusually gay this morning Am I stalking of you? Perhaps Is there any particular reason? Perhaps Would you find Albert, Henrietta? Ask him to come up here Yes, your highness The grand duke Peter has seen the jeweler again, your highness Well? They've agreed upon a price Good Do you get the necklace please? It's in the jewel box The jewel box, yes I wasn't there this early this morning, your highness Why? But he hasn't been there for days I assumed your highness had tasted no hotel safe Are you mad? Get me that box Yes, your highness I haven't worn it in ages And I remember putting it back in the case the last time Yeah, your highness Let me see It's gone Your highness It's been stolen But are you sure? The jewel box, I'm sure I've never kept it in any other place but here Oh, your highness What are you going to do? We must notify the police Yes, your highness Henrietta, quick Clear the grand duke Paul I must see him at once Yes, your highness Wait, where's Albert? Oh, I couldn't find him, your highness I asked the manager and he told me that he left Oh, what? He's left the hotel early this morning Albert's gone, but he's coming back I don't think so, your highness He had two suitcases with him Your highness Be quiet He's gone I don't understand He's stolen your necklace That's why he's gone Don't be a fool, he couldn't But the money He had all that money Oh, would a thief stay here after he'd stolen a necklace? Would a thief put money in my debts? He might I always said there was something strange about that man He's mad enough to do anything The money? A week ago He'd have had time to realize on the necklace Yes, it all fits perfectly It's the only solution But last night he said No, I won't believe it I won't He couldn't have been a thief No He couldn't do here He's only gone out somewhere He'll be back He must come back Oh, your highness, please Please, your highness Clerk Oh, clerk One moment, monsieur But I'm in a hurry Yes, monsieur What is it? I want a first-class ticket, please On the next train to Paris Of course, for station identification This is the Columbia Broadcasting System We interrupt the grand duchess and the waiter To hear from the nation's most notorious head waiter Employed by hosts for the express purpose of embarrassing guests All in fun, of course He's really a character actor Having appeared in 125 films in the last five years As a practical joker, he's told Einstein He knows nothing about relativity Picture stars like Jeanette McDonnell, Jean Harlow, and Mary Pickford That their table manners were atrocious Colonel Lindbergh, that he didn't know the difference Between a cockpit and a peach pit And he made George Bernard Shaw England's greatest ribber Call quits after 20 minutes of heckling Ladies and gentlemen With full knowledge of the risks I'm running I introduce Mr. Vince Barnett Thanks, Mr. DeMille Yes, it's my pleasure to make as big a nuisance Out of myself as possible But though I may be public pest number one I can honestly say that my victims and I Have always parted the best of friends I've impersonated scores of people But find that a head waiter offers about the greatest Feel for a man's talents as a practical joker You can mix up the food orders Criticize the table managers Manage of the guests Interrupt the speech makers and shout back When anyone dares complain about the service I particularly remember a dinner here in Hollywood Attended by 400 of the biggest names and pictures Stars and executives Charlie Chaplin was entertaining some guests at his table With amusing capers I went over to him in my waiter's garb Flourishing my napkin in his face Told him to stop making a fool of himself You don't have to balance all of us on your Nose to attract attention here Everybody knows who you are And they're sick and proud of seeing any more of you Pollack tricks Chaplin's face turned scarlet Mary and Davies who was at his table Proceeded to give me a tongue lashing for my impudence But suddenly recognized me She suggested I leave the dumbfounded chaplain And pick a second victim I did He was Winnie Sheehan Then head of Fox Studios He and Winston Churchill were greeting a group of Distinguished women When I shoved my way through and shook my finger Under his nose You are offending these ladies, I scolded Besides, you How can the Vedas get around you with their trays When you block up the aisles? Mr. Sheehan was so dumbfounded He couldn't say a word, so I continued The ladies don't matter so much But the Vedas have work to do Get back to your table and I call the police And have you put out? Mr. Sheehan still remained speechless But he grabbed the nearest chair And was about to obliterate me When Miss Davies interrupted What might have been an act of public service When I fail to understand Vince Is how after years of annoying the innocent You're still all in one piece Oh, I've been hit only once The other showed rare self-control Who was the lucky man? He was the great dardic explorer The late, uh, the late, Raul Damansson But when he found out who I really was He was so apologetic That tears actually streamed down his grizzled face At which exploit are you proudest? The time I told Clark Gable That he made love like a horse That's as bad as telling the housewives of America There's a better way of washing clothes Than with lux-lux flakes Well, one word led to another And Gable, his patience exhausted Challenged me to put up my fists You think I fight with fists? I answered, daggers we fight with or nothing You, the great Gable, fray Thoroughly incensed, Gable came back I'm sick of this great Gable stuff You'll fight me now or never With that, he took a swing And the host, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. Having pity on me intervened And all was forgiven Before I go, Mr. DeMille Do you mind just one question? I'm suspicious, but go ahead You've been in Hollywood since movies began But tell me, Mr. DeMille Just what business are you in? Trying to repeal laws that protect practical jokers Good night We continue with the Grand Duchess and the Waiter Starring Robert Montgomery and Elisa Lande With Gene Lockhart and Alma Krugas Several weeks have passed since Albert disappeared from the hotel in Switzerland We're back there now in the main lounge In the far corner, Metard, the manager Is talking to a well-dressed young man who has just arrived As we come closer, we discover the young man To be none other than Albert himself What I want to know is, what are you doing here? What I want to know is, where is the Grand Duchess, Sr. She's gone, gone where? I've already told you, I don't know All of them, they left two days after you Didn't she leave any forwarding address? No, but I've got to find her Oh, yes, she wanted to see you too The Countess of Alloch wanted to put the police on your trail But the Grand Duchess wouldn't let her Police? What did you do? Steal something? Do I look like a thief? Yes, a little Thanks, now look, Metard, try to think Did they mention any place, any town, any city, any country? Where they might have gone Well, I think the Grand Duke said something about Milan Milan Yes, or maybe it was in Livorno No, no, Milan But I'm not sure That's a great help, that is Well, what more can I say? You're going to look for her? Yes, in Milan, or maybe in Livorno So long, Metard Goodbye Grand Duchess Zanea, I've been looking for her For the last two months But you're not sure she came to Livorno No The police are not magicians, senor But we will do what we can Thanks, if you can pick up any trail at all Yes, she was here in Marseille last October October? Yeah, according to our record She left for Deauville at the end of the month Deauville? There was a little trouble with the Grand Duke Peter Trouble? Yes, he sold some motor cars Oh, yes, yes, I know that trick, yes Thanks, officer How are the Grand Duchess for you, monsieur? Good, well, go to this address You will find her there The cabaret, uh, uh, cab... Oh, no, no, no, no, you must be mistaken No, monsieur, she's the proprietress Pascovia, will you shut that door, please? Yes, your highness You needn't bother with calling me your highness any longer I've told you that twenty times Oh, but we must keep up appearances It's good for business Yes, I know How much have we taken in tonight? Well, the Grand Duke Peter says ten thousand francs But the Grand Duke Paul says seven Yes, probably five Where's Peter? At the hat check counter He's checking the hats while the bus is on its way He's checking the hats while the boy has his supper Grand Duke checking hats from the cabaret What a world And if you'll pardon my saying so, your highness None of us would be here if you'd allowed me to send the police after that I won't have you throwing that up to me all the time It was my necklace And if I prefer to let him steal it, that's my business Yes, your highness Anyway, working's good for us Certainly kept Peter out of trouble He hasn't tried to sell a car for six months Hello, my love Come in, Peter How's business? Ah, never better, never better I've checked a hundred and thirty hats in an hour You getting the tip? Tips? No, don't be vulgar Your highness Yes? Will you check this film for you? Here, let me see it I'll, uh, one hundred and twenty-four, thirty-six, four and... By this seems to be correctly total Yes, it lacks imagination Your highness Add another fifty francs But what, what, what for? What for the flowers? Well, but they didn't have any Well, what's that got to do with it? I see Peter, leave that bill alone Do you want to get into trouble again? Oh, okay, well Oh, uh, your highness Yes? There's a young man at the corner table He asked to see you Well, I'm in for it again They all want to meet a real grand duchess After all, you can't blame them And it's good for business I'll see you later, Peter Eh, yes, my sweet Good evening, your highness Oh, you? Oh, here, here, now don't faint Why no intention of fainting? I'm relieved Will you sit down? No, not here Come, I'll turn the balcony Thank you Well, what are you doing here? I might ask you the same thing Well, I should think you'd be ashamed to show your face After what you did Oh, you mean my disappearing act? I'm sorry, I didn't get a chance to speak to you Before I left, I was in a hurry I can imagine I never thought you'd leave the hotel Without hearing from me It wasn't exactly honest, was it? Honest, what are you talking about? Well, you might have left word for me If this is a joke, I'm not appreciating it What did you come here for? First, to see you Second, to return your necklace Oh, then, then you did take it? Yes, of course I did But, but why? Isn't it obvious? I knew you were planning to sell it I also knew you didn't want to sell it So I took it Took it away with me for safekeeping There you are Oh, good lord It's a matter I, I don't know, I, I'm all confused You didn't think I stole it, did you? I don't know what I thought That money, all that money you had Where did you get it? It was mine You were only a waiter at the hotel Yes, but I owned it Owned what? At the hotel You owned... Now, control yourself I can't What's so funny about a man owning a hotel? Every hotel is owned by somebody But you, you were a waiter I was only learning the business Will you please explain what this is? Well, it's very simple You see, when my old uncle died Haven't rested his soul He left me six hotels all over Europe With a proviso that I start from the bottom And learn everything about running them So I became a waiter Had to be a secret, of course So even Matar didn't know But when I left Switzerland I went to Paris to see the trustee I convinced him and I, I knew the business He was easily convinced And I got control of the hotels You owned six hotels No, no, no, I sold them Oh, why? Well, you had to marry a nobleman A man can't be a nobleman In a hotel proprietor at the same time You are crazy But I am a nobleman How? On the way back I stopped in Latvonia I donated enough money to build a new hospital And to show their appreciation They made me something What was it? Oh, yes, a duke, a duke I'm the duke of, uh, the duke of Stetvig The duke of Stetvig? Yes, is it important? I never heard of it Neither did I Well, am I noble enough? Am I? You Well, we've changed around a little Since the last time I still love you I still love you There's a justice on the next street Shall we? I'll think it over on the way My arm, Duchess Thank you, Duke The curtain falls And boy gets girl Proving again that everything comes to him who waits Even if he waits on tables And if we wait just a few minutes We will find Robert Montgomery And Alyssa Landy back at our microphone Every great picture you see on the screen Represents weeks of careful research Not only must every detail be accurate But names of characters and places must be selected To avoid any legal complications Tonight we hear from the head of the research department Of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Mrs. Natalie Bucknell Her name is one many will recall From World War Days As a volunteer nurse in Russia She was personally presented With the Medal of St. George For bravery by Tsar Nicholas In 1917, she fought with the famous Second Woman's Battalion of Death Later she became a British Secret Service Agent And in 1919 was made head of the aid post Of the British military mission in Russia Called a second Florence Nightingale By the British government She is one of the three foreign born women Ever to have been honored With the order of the British Empire Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Natalie Bucknell Thank you, Mr. DeMille Such an introduction really makes me feel less nervous When facing or should I say speaking To all these thousands of charming invisible people Rather terrifying even after the war experiences But here goes As you said, it is the job of my department To eliminate from our pictures Whatever possible what are referred to as boners I mean obvious errors in fact And the less obvious errors Which would lead to legal complications Through unintentional duplication Of names of characters and places Of course it is impossible always To be absolutely correct or safe But we do try hard And I must say MGM have been rather successful The best way to illustrate this Would be to give examples I think Someone in our picture after a thin man Jumps into a taxi and tells the driver To take him to 346 Smith Street Well, it would take the driver not only hours But days and months to find that address In San Francisco simply because there isn't such a street And what about opening a nice fat bank account At the Bay City Trust Bank Which you will hear mentioned in the same picture Just try and do it It's not there When you hear a telephone number Don't waste your time calling it No matter how beautiful the blonde is Who lives there on the screen The number belongs to either a theater owned by MGM Or it's an exclusive number rented By the studio from a phone company Or you will see a gorgeous dress In our lot of Mrs Cheney And you will hear it mentioned in dialogue But it was bought from a chic little modiste Madame Natali You would adore to order the same model But I know that you will never get it delivered You see it's supposedly my shop in London But I'm not in London And I haven't got a shop It's just my name Suppose we want to show a lovely lady Using Lux Flakes Naturally we want to show Lux Flakes Because we know there is nothing that could take its place On or off the screen But you would never use that name without getting permission Do you remember the devil doll And a police notice being torn off the wall And right above that notice was another one With a horrible photograph Bearing the significant inscription Natali Bucknell wanted for kidnapping Am I? I suppose I may eventually develop criminal tendencies For all I know But you see after all pictures must have villains And villains must have names And so we get permission from our employees To loan their names to the gangsters And simonal agrees of the screen Our work is really great fun Because all the time we come across the most unusual things But perhaps one of the most amusing But toughest assignments Was to check the Italian rules of table etiquette For Romeo and Juliet And what did we find? But where were as modern as can be? Don't drink too much Don't test the heat of the soup with your forefinger Perhaps it was polite to use only the thumb Say that all the dishes are good Wouldn't a modern hostess love to hear that? Don't place your elbows on the table Don't sit off crossed legs or lean forward Don't gulp The famous free don'ts of my own childhood How many times did I hear my nurse repeat them to me? And so no doubt have you And here I think is the sanest advice of all It is sometimes better not to seat relatives together at a banquet But to seat other guests between them And with this sage bit of philosophy May I say thank you And good night Good night, Mrs. Bachman We bring back our grand duchess and our equally grand waiter Ladies and gentlemen, Alyssa Lande and Robert Montgomery Thank you, Mr. DeMille This has been a most enjoyable evening Up to now Yes, I agree You see, in pictures I always seem to be the rather easy going young man Who gets all the smart lines to say That drop me in front of a microphone and what have you got? The babe in the woods at heart, I'm just a farmer Well, as one farmer to another, how did you find crops this fall? Well, fear to middling, Mr. DeMille, fear to middling And I'll have you know, sir, I'm not fooling I spent a couple of months early this fall On the Montgomery homestead and up on New York Just another of those gentleman farmers I suppose Who've ploughed in the easy chair to the front porch Yes, that's so Just take a look at these calluses on my hands Back on the farm, they say I make a pitchfork pitch like gee whiz But suppose you tell me what you've been doing Oh, gardening too The oranges are doing fine, thank you And how's the new book? That'll be something for the critics to decide I mean, when's it going to be published? Well, not before too long, I hope Well, then we're just too early to congratulate you on your new novel And just a day too late to congratulate you on your birthday If it were today, we might have had a party It couldn't have been any more fun than being on your show tonight I only hope the audience had as much pleasure listening to us As I have in listening to the Lux Radio Theater every Monday evening And now, Mr. DeMille, good night Good night Good night, Miss Landy Good night, Mr. DeMille Mr. Montgomery, Miss Landy, our thanks Ladies and gentlemen, this is your announcer, Melville Roof Before Mr. DeMille tells us of next week's play, may I say that our stars tonight Appeared through courtesy of Metro Golden Mayor Studios Mr. Montgomery will be seen next with Joan Crawford and William Powell In The Last of Mrs. Cheney And Miss Landy's new film is entitled After the Thin Man Mr. DeMille, as you know, is from Paramount Mrs. Bucknell, MGM Miss Kruger, currently appearing in Love Letters of a Star Is from Universal Studios And Mr. Silver's 20th Century Fox Where he was in charge of music for Banjo on My Knee Mr. Lockhart is seen in MGM's The Devil is a Sissy And Vince Barnett in A Star Is Born In our cast tonight Where Jean Lockhart is the Grand Duke Peter Alma Kruger is the Countess Zaballo Lionel Pape is the Grand Duke Paul Baron Folger is Matard Margaret Brayton is Henrietta Edwin Max as the Russian waiter Lou Merrill as an Italian officer And Frank Nelson as Henry And here's Mr. DeMille Ladies and gentlemen, next Monday night The Lux Radio Theatre stars Jean Harlow and Robert Taylor With Claude Reigns Our play, Madame Saint-Jean A story of France after the Revolution In which Napoleon takes an empire And Jean Harlow as the Laundress Who becomes a noble woman takes Napoleon Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Flakes Join me in inviting you to be with us again Next Monday night When the Lux Radio Theatre presents Jean Harlow And Robert Taylor in Madame Saint-Jean With Claude Reigns and C. Henry Gordon This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you From Hollywood This is the Columbia Broadcasting System