 Okay for the record it is definitely not limited to those exclaimer disclaimers All right, so this talk is web scale is dead long-lived post-crisque well or The drinks are on me. We got some McClellan 15. We got some red best 12 and Some hibiki 12 so we've got the Scottish the Irish and the Japanese all known for their Very lengthy love of all things that make us sane and crazy Here's the deal with these At the end of this talk, there's going to be a series of three trivia questions You are not allowed to use your phone If you get the last one you get this one Because this one is the one that matters. I was gonna get the 21, but I'm not getting paid to be here So I and then the other two are for these. I'm also peppering questions Improv throughout the rest of the talk If you get one of those questions right your first drink is on me, we'll hand you 20 bucks Take whatever shot cocktail whatever you want a couple of beers if you're a hipster and really have bad taste PBR Okay, so this is web sales dead long live puzzle scale. This is slide one of my disclaimer I am not responsible for you being sensitive. That's your problem This talk is not wholesome. It's not organic. It's not sweet. It's not raw honey This is 100% highly processed high fruit toast corn syrup. Where's the next look? Thank you It is rated PG 13 I actually don't swear all that damn much but Occasionally it comes out and especially when I'm improving if someone says something that particularly sets me off like rails is a good platform I might say something. I do this for fun. It's not my day job. This is not JD the professional I'm not here trying to get your business. I'm here to educate you a little bit. Let you have some fun Enjoy each other. You don't enjoy my particular form of comedy. I don't care. There's other talks go for it Your ego is not my concern to take offense is not to be comfortable in oneself And that's true if you're taking offense to some guy that's standing up here saying stuff No matter what he's saying think about why you're taking offense to him is what I say means so much to you that you Wanted to ruin your whole day. I Hope you laugh and learn and yes announcing. I'm offended is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions So when everyone else should do it for you What does that mean means this talk is for adults if you're not an adult leave Okay, these are adults that I like to listen to not because I agree with all of them I don't but because I find them funny. I find them funny in their offense We've got Bill Burr who is probably the angriest comedian. I've ever seen we got Lewis CK Who is actually a very kind man, but one of the most offensive individuals you ever watch We have got Julio Iglesias who you live by the cake die by the cake others. No him is fluffy We have Eliza and I have no idea how to pronounce her last name. It's it's Some long schligion egg olaga thing But she is a fabulous comedian. We've got Robin Williams Unfortunately passed recently. We have got Bill Maher We've got John. I'm sure everybody knows John Stewart poor guys retire. Well, I'm not poor He's trying quite rich But he's retiring this year Steven Colbert Oh If I want to say aunt Anzi Aziz, yes I actually only watched the first 15 minutes of his stuff before I got caught up on a bunch of other things and He's a funny guy In fact, he's funny enough to where I was offended a couple of times and then of course Tina Fey We all know Tina Fey and then Four slide disclaimer Seriously, what is wrong with people today? It used to be that you were allowed to just be fun and not worry about your precious snowflake And this comes from activist morality if you tweet, I don't know if a lot of you do tweet tweet whatever That's my hashtag for this talk Okay, none of this activist morality crap if if you believe in something Great believe in it fight for it. Don't give me shit because I don't believe in it, too Okay, that's part of what being human and American is all about how many non-Americans do we have here? No, one two three It bummer. I was really hoping to have some offensive culture thing going on All right. Who am I? I am at Linux hiker Okay, if you want to tweet about this talk and you want to reference how badly I'm doing There you go. I actually do use Google plus. It's not dead as plus Joshua Drake Linux hiker and It's actually quite active. It's just active with stuff. That's not all crap, which is why I don't have Facebook JD a command prompt if in case you decide. Hey this guy. Yeah, he was you know off the clock and on vacation But I wouldn't mind talking to him again. That's my commercial professional. I will bill you for email No title applicable to command prompt ink any of you are here as a founder Know that titles as a founder really don't mean a damn thing because you do everything you need to do to make sure everybody gets paid Including yourself. I am a director for software in the public interest. Don't let my talk reflect on them They are a great organization. They're the nonprofit between behind Postgres org as well as Debian Libre office in the United States a bunch of great nonprofits to do or a great software projects to do a lot of good for us and I am a director and founder of USPG until this last election. I was president It is great that Robert is now president because now he gets to worry about all the crap and I just got to have fun Pint. Ah, yes private invitation parties are for hipsters. Don't be a hipster Pin-ass conference party tonight. This is not my party. This is the conference party where everybody should actually be It's the only party. It's at Ramscale Studios 8 p.m. Midnight at the penthouse. It's all barbecue, right? barbecue booze fun hanging out be a good time Helping control license class. We'll get to the talk here in a minute If you are selling licenses of software, you are not helping to control license costs Be honest to your customers and say we are still charging you for licenses even though what we make is actually available for free The world is not flat no matter what Fox News is any Fox News Honest watchers here is not like for the comedy of it really Jimmy. Well, you're from Jersey. I'm not surprised But I actually don't watch Fox News because the only TV I have comes from the internet so I don't have to be inundated with information from a company That actually went to the Supreme Court for the right to lie to people But I'm pretty sure they have a couple of people that are flat earthers that are on TV Before we get into this, let's have some fun. This is not for this. Okay Who won the two four twenty-four teams are anywhere? Well, hold on. I know you know Andrew Stonebreaker did 20 bucks Who is the who is Stonebreaker in relation to Postgres QL? Hold on come on someone. That's not a community like Maven here you Bingo, he's probably kind of the founding developer really but that's close enough all the way back to University Ingress in 1974 yes, he's older than dirt Where does this person currently work? MIT he is an adjunct professor. I don't know the man I tried to meet the man, but because I don't know the man. He won't meet me I I tried to went back when I used to run these conferences way before they were this cool I Tried to get him to come speak kind of as a you know Hey, you know Postgres is doing this stuff you should come back and he wouldn't have it It's unfortunate because I think he would have had a lot of fun But he's obviously out doing more interesting things like getting a million bucks from Google. So who am I to judge? What are we talking about yes, I actually add for those who have seen me talk I normally don't do these animation things, but I was revising this talk at a really late hour last night because For some reason I just didn't like everything about it So I added these little things just to make it you know seem like I might wear a tie someday We're gonna talk about a little bit of history. What is web scale crap? Web scale is dead Postgres kill is king and the conclusion the conclusion will have our little fun time with these Hello, Alexei Alexei is an awesome developer out of currently Germany, but he's formerly from the new state of Russia, Ukraine If you want to hire one of the best and you're willing to pay for it because he deserves it You should talk to him. He's got a great job. I'm not trying to get him away from his job But he is damn good and he deserves the props. So if any of you got a little extra I'd say euros, but the euros are not worth anything anymore. So if you got any dollars for him, he might be interested Little history Postgres is the sorry. Well postgres too because there's Ingress postgres postgres 95 postgres ql postgres The oldest open source databases one is it the oldest that still use I believe it is I Mean, I don't know anybody else. It's 41 years old that is Out there still kicking ass and taking names of teenagers or even adult even children for that matter Yeah, it's a database. I mean that's fair, but does it pre-date? Oh? It is derived from University of Ingress 1974. That's actually where I start I my original database career Started I was working at Powell's books And they were running D base and I learned D base and then they just had University Ingress sitting on the shelf And so I compiled or I don't think I had to compile Yeah, I had to compile it compiled it and played with it and that's where I started But the first actual postgres that I used was postgres 95 and I say actual because that's when I started making money from it It doesn't matter before that The most advanced open source possibly of closed to databases and why do I say that? The project says the world's most advanced open source database, which it is there is no database or Want to be database mongo that? Can compete with postgres, but the reason I say the most advanced is because yes There are things that oracle can do if you're willing to spend a million dollars that postgres can't there's no question about that They got a million dollars. They got it, you know huge budget that said if You take everything that we can do out of the box Plus everything that you can do if you just add an extension Plus everything that you can do from any number of any other things There is nothing no database not from Microsoft not from well There's really only three people now Microsoft IBM and Oracle and they can't touch us They wish they could but they can't So that is why the most advanced open source database and you can see it in the marketplace everything from Apple shipping it by default with their workstations Even though it's using it as a very minor thing It's still there all the way up to people using it to create their billion dollar companies It's fully acid compliant. It's relational. It's object relational. It's document if you're into that new thing That's not a new thing, but they wanted to be a new thing because they put on their plaid shirt modern scalable database Hey Kevin come on in man. Not you're at the door. You got to come sit. Come on. This is Kevin Kimter He's from consistent state. They are another consulting company. They are awesome He kind of went quiet for a little while he used to run the PG days in Denver, but recently I've started seeing Some tweets promoted tweets on Twitter for his company which Notes that although I know yours at least as old as I am someone much younger than you is starting to drive the marketing sales Yeah, oh And I need to point something out this Michael masks. I get that right Mike and Dave Kramer they're from Creditive I point them out because when I gave this talk at scale I forgot to mention Joe Conway who's also a creditive and He was very hurt and I felt bad Because Joe is awesome. So what is web scale? Web scale is not this. I'm not gonna read this whole thing I'll let you take 10 seconds to read it on your own This is from MongoDB is web scale and they're actually talking about my sequel, which is crap, too But it it's not this a lot of people think it's this But it's not is this is just what? Fanboyism creates, right? It was co-opted by these guys Not developer forward-deployed engineer with no chest hair and a tattoo in the middle Okay, I don't know what he is But I don't think he identifies as any gender currently listed in the consensus These guys they are horrible for the market They're horrible because they go out and they somehow think that Amazon or GCE or whatever is the solution to everything and Then they bail to go Drink coffee wherever hipsters drink coffee And leave their customers hanging and then they have to call me and I have to move them off of Amazon So and that's not to knock Amazon. I'll get to why that's the case here soon I they do have a good platform and I know they're a sponsor here. So Amazon really I understand But there are some specific things that just don't belong in a shared tenancy Network latency environment regardless of provisioned IOPS One of those would be where you keep all your damn data, which should be post-cris if it's anything else migrate We'll help you we started a hundred ninety five an hour Web scale is I found this graphic just and I I appreciated this graphic the whole deep impact kind of thing All it is is an architecture based around a philosophy That's it. It's not technology. It's not new. It's certainly not new It's as old as I am at least It's just now we have a different inner tube to work with What is the core at it core of it? It's consolidation on x86 It's intelligence and software distributed everything including storage sales self-healing API based automation and rich analysis. Well, it looks like Amazon and GCE This is sourced from a white paper on that link what's interesting about this white paper is that It's from new 10 newtonyx or new tonics or whatever who surprisingly became a sponsor of this conference I I'm sure the product is great, but what like most marketing material. It's bullshit consolidation x86 Pretty obvious no spark no power PC no arm and for those graybeards out there no MIPS I actually asked if anybody had MIPS if anybody had a MIPS machine. Does anybody here have a MIPS machine? Your router or an actual MIPS like an indie as you nice Okay, so those can anyone besides frost tell me you got to give him 20 bucks anybody besides frost tell me What MIPS used to be? Who was the big purveyor of a MIPS chip? Got you most of you as old as I am. I mean, I know you're like 14, but what about you Andrew SGI SGI indies these were the apples of the day except that they were cool and They were these blue or purple boxes They shipped with ISDN on the motherboard. Who knows what ISDN is You don't care you know Mike Michael What is ISDN sort of it's not phone is data need a different answer Yes Think about ISDN back when the internet was first starting to get commercialized everybody was stuck on like 2400 and then forth 9600 and 144 and then you got 288 and you thought you were a god But there was something that came along they had been around a long time but Just started to get popular because people wanted to be able to download their Art from the internet faster And you went from 288 or 56k you all of a sudden you got 128k and at 128k in the day of those resolutions you got moving art from the internet at fast speeds Okay, and that's what you would download. I mean that's what you would buy is this ISDN connection little routers There's company name is send that made this great router and what was cool about it is if you were an ISP ISDNs could also answer analog So you could have a what was called a PRI which would have 23 channels It would come in on one port you have 23 chance to get answer 23 calls of either ISDN at 56 or 64 or 112 and 128k or good old-fashioned analog Whatever modem was dialing up. There's a really efficient way to handle your capacity Anyway, I don't know how we got on that oh MIPS with ISDN on board It's a good idea. It's sad because I mean once upon a time I had spark machines I had I even had deck alphas. I had SGI indies in my closet fire them all up I try to install every version of Linux on them. I even had a deck alpha running Windows NT And then I grew up and got rid of them all because I didn't have more room in my closet Yeah, so now we're all on x86 x86 is one yeah arm is out there, but for the most part I mean anything. We're running to some kind of x86 chip Intelligence and software there's no intelligence and software. Can you imagine this? Software is binary. It is a true or false condition at all times The moment it's intelligent I Want you to look at the person next to you and find the first flaw. What do you think a freaking termators gonna do? These people are not perfect. They're dead There's no intelligence and so but the art of it I mean the community has even come out and said we we need to protect the human race from artificial intelligence Well then stop research in the damn thing Okay, no hardware dependency for scalability or availability resources should be able to be dynamically added without hardware upgrade or replacement We've been able to do this for years. This isn't new. It's called proper provisioning distributed everything Bullshit I Almost brought that button. I almost brought it, but I really was afraid I didn't think the TSA would understand They would find it offensive and be afraid like push the button and it talked to him I'd be like on the ground getting touched everywhere. I just didn't want anything to do with it All data metadata and operations are distributed across the entire cluster. Okay, that's cool What are I running to problem is there's one word can someone tell me what the one word in there that is Terrifying to have distributed across a network There's only one Hold on locks Locks what is a database administrators nightmare? How can I put this nicely the asshole who is a business analyst who for whatever reason is above you in the chain? therefore they get access to the database directly through Excel and they know enough that if they don't Lock the table. There's gonna be whatever and then all of a sudden they bring you down Do you really want network latency added to your locks? It's it's crazy. It's not a good now. It does work sometimes I mean don't get me wrong if you've got a small database, you know, you're serving up your blog You're you're serving up, you know, you're $99 a month AWS instance. That's fine But when you're doing the real deal, you don't want your walks networked in any way Self-healing assumes failure and that any failure will not jeopardize the health of the cluster. Isn't that called high availability? I mean to me that I mean when my ship breaks it fails over and keeps working. That seems like what it's supposed to do I mean, that's why you have two kidneys, right? Anyway, who can tell me who that is this not the character the person Robert who said that? Nice 20 bucks Okay, Robert Patrick Can anyone tell me something he's been in that is not that role? Was he in the X files? I didn't want to okay cool All right, he's also he was also in He's been in burn notice true blood Plays a werewolf in true blood. That was kind of cool API based automation and rich analytics. This has got to be the most hipster thing I've ever heard. It's called reporting really And I kid you not I don't give a damn. I know how to run a query now I know this is important to some people in ties You know, they need to have their pretty canvas they need to be able to click and actually that's really cool I'm not arguing it. I wish my guys would actually turn on monitoring something that was useful like that because I'm tired of Parsing data. Yes Awesome. Okay, first off Google translate And I think that's Italian is that Italian? Yeah, okay. Okay. It is grandma. I apparently I do not grammatically understand Italian That's true. I don't argue that But it was it's close enough 1980s movie watched it with girlfriends got a lot of points Web skills dead. I feel like the dead horse still needs to be beaten. I really This whole web skills like it gets under my skin because I why can't we just say hey We're going to build you out 20 minutes. Yeah, that's not gonna happen Why can't we just build out an infrastructure and Not have to sell that infrastructure. Why does it why why do we always have to sell up, right? Even to our even if you're in a data center and you have bosses. I Understand having to say here are the facts of the situation But it's gotten to the point now where you can't present facts. You have to do a whole presentation on why something's bullshit That's nice. Prove it. I plan on being this man Michael might beat me to it, but I plan on being this man I'm gonna be the guy that stares all the people down Just angry because I've been through this for so many years Web skills a marketing term That is all it is. So if you get people telling you the whole postgres isn't web skills Hey, thank you for letting me know I should never hire you For everything that professionals most of us here are at least in our 30s 40s here some of us are I'm gonna leave that number alone I'm Young enough to take me down, but old enough to be hurt in the next day I've been doing for decades. We just create highly scalable systems. It's not new on Amazon Amazon's not new They just figured out how to a way to charge you twice what you should be paying and I can prove that if you really want to know Postgres kill is king king Don't teach your children to read just teach don't teach your sorry. I'm not from Louisiana Don't just teach your children to read teach them the question what they read teach them the question Everything that also applies to your staff And especially your boss in first class in laydown sleets on a domestic flight. Thank God. That was such a nice flight But I don't read CTO magazine a lot of these people do I Had a customer and I'm not gonna name him because he's a great customer, but you know who you are Who went to an Amazon conference right before this? Some Amazon event and I'll tell you Amazon knows how to put it on We've got we've got miles to go before we're competing with Amazon and giving a conference And I got an email and I'm sure all the consultants here have got this email Amazon just released all this new stuff and I just read it and watched it and they were really fancy And I want to migrate to them now. I said, okay It'll cost you twice as much. Oh, no, it can't be they can perform just as well as bare metal. I'm an auctioneer Okay, so I built him to actually go and provision the whole thing in Amazon Compared to where he is now software rocks use it and it would literally have been twice as much and And they would have been stuck because they would have had to use the highest level of EC to Available that was that they would have been done They would have migrated and then ran out of capacity and had to migrate right back off Now that doesn't mean that Amazon doesn't have cool stuff for certain workloads Databases that are of high velocity are not it so let's talk about why post-crisis cake Let's you want to replicate we got hot standby and cascading replication. This is native course stuff I know there's a lot of other bastardized things out there like Sloney And don't get me wrong. Sloney can do some really crazy stuff But it's one of those things where they stuck a bunch of engineers in a room You told them paint the wall black and they asked which shade so Hot standby as many or as few readable subscribers as your bandwidth can handle it just ships Okay, hot who here doesn't know what a hot standby is. It's okay. I won't pick on you for it. I promise Okay, okay hot standby is when you have a readable Up-to-date copy of the database meaning as changes are being made to the master, which is the big happy They're automatically transferred to the little hapies Now this can be done synchronously or asynchronously. I highly recommend you keep it asynchronous unless you know Exactly what you're doing Because post chris will go down if one of the slaves are synchronous and stop accepting changes It does not literally go down not like crash But it will stop Receiving or allowing you to process because it's waiting for everybody to be caught up if you know what you're doing and You know how to manage that and you know how to make post chris work with that synchronous is great But otherwise keep it asynchronous. You'll be able to sleep at night We have cascading replication takes a village make a family and daisy chains those nodes You are able to say here's my big happy I want my big happy to replicate to my little happy and I want my little happy to replicate to his own little happy and What's great about that is that the bandwidth between the big happy and the first little happy is probably really really good But it's possible that there's no link between the big happy and the last happy But there is a link between the second happy and third happy And they can all be hot standbys Which means you can do things like never back up your master and just back up your replicants your clones Your DNA samples. I want to distribute Distribute via hot standby cascading replication and my personal favorite PG pool, too. I wish they were here. I Wish they were here. They are such great guys They're in the Japanese the primary developers of PG pool to are in the Japanese community, which is an awesome community. They're huge But they don't get over here very often What does PG pool do does load distribution does query cashing and connection pulling? Talk about load distribution and it's screened so far away. I should have got a pointer Dancy, okay, so the P is PG pool. This is where all your queries are coming in Okay insert update select delete anything that's a right is going to go right to big mr. Happy Anything that's a read will go to the little haps automatically transparently as if it's not even there Along the same lines you can have the big happy also replicate to the red happy, which is your disaster recovery And none of the none of this stuff here that I'm One of the big arguments that I hear about say a mongo or I don't hear this from Cassandra very much But from a mainly from a mongo is that well, you just turn it on and it works Usually I find that that's because they're not doing anything with it But this actually isn't that hard to set up You can set this up if you know what you're doing you can set this up in a couple hours Assuming you don't have like a terabyte database to copy over or something if you don't know what you're doing You're really talking about a weekend of just understanding what's happening. This is not complicated stuff So we have our slave one which is read only our slave zero which is read only our master which is read Right, and then we back all the way over to our disaster recovery, which hopefully sitting on the other side of the country Away from gas leaks in New York Do you guys hear about this? We lost two buildings yesterday while we were all in here. Thankfully nobody died, which is great Query caching PG pool again with query caching their P is our PG pool or queries come in we got slow-ass queries that we cash That way they don't have to be slow-ass queries We just connect and there's our data and obviously you want to set some different parameters. They refresh and things like that No, no, no, no we that postgres proper has materialized views I'm actually talking about PG pool has a cache that will cache the results of specific queries And when those queries come in it will grab deliver those results and yes, we do have materialized views They're much better in 9-4. Oh Here's a good question. What is the minimum version of postgres acceptable to use? Come on somebody Think about it Steven. You're too easy. I can't give you all my money 9.2 I'm not knocking the hard work that was put in for years and years and years below 9.2 But there's one very simple reason 9.2 is the minimum It's not just faster than every single other version before it. It's It's like what the hell is that hipster car Prius Versus Ferrari Okay, I mean that that's what we're talking about here If you any benchmarking you do what you'll see is all the way back to if you were crazy enough to run postgres 95 It goes like this 7172738 you know and so on and so forth then it goes 9.2 okay Nobody answered that I'm very disappointed Okay, next connection pooling we are all about the renewable energy Who can tell me without me going to the next slide why connection pooling is important? This is worth 20 bucks folks. You don't get to answer that You new guy who what's your name? Trey Trey Trey is the man Trey. Let us let us have it. Why is connection pulling important? That is the basic result in postgres making connections is expensive This is what happens without connection pulling to your load That's hand-drawn because I'm an expert Okay, this is what happens with connection pulling to your load The other thing it does is much better not just resource utilization for processors But it manages ram and a whole bunch of it helps manage ram and other things a lot better the cat Colonel cash file cash all that Colonel cash file cash All right, I want to scale. This is the badass technology of the next century. It's all about second quarter second quadrant I'm not disrespect. I'm I run a postgres company. Okay Creditive their postgres company consistent state their postgres company enterprise DB their marketing company I'm kidding. They're also a postgres company But the honest the truth and they're a great community member guys I'm just teasing them because they're the you know 800 pound gorilla Second quadrant is doing the most badass stuff with postgres right now They are it is awesome. They're doing the most interesting technology They are providing the most interesting tools and keep in mind. They're a competitor of mine and there's no doubt I love using my competitors software and it's all open source. So I'm allowed to do that It is bi-directional replication no million dollar license fee no million dollar support contract Although I'll be happy to sign you up for one with asset compliance proper controls scaling it up to 48 notes Run that through your head 48 Rack you got to pay what a million bucks for two of them to sit next to each other and not work This just works. This is not yet in core. You can download it as a distribution They are working to get it in core. Excuse me in core. The hope is that it will happen This is water by the way We're hoping to have it happen for 9.5 slash 10 I don't know what we're gonna call it yet It is eventually consistent. I've had people kind of Say well eventually consistent doesn't work and we're like well Banks like it and they seem to do all right. Yes If Simon wearing here, I would ask that question. You got it. Go for it It's an honest answer basically Okay, it's all too much. I just want to shard Postgres XL apparently the talk on this was yesterday I feel bad because I wanted to pimp it Mason is the lead developer of that Jim in the back here used to have a a failed company That was based around it. I just tease him because I was one of the initial investors But very cool technology all open source And it allows you to shard and horizontally scale and it's postgres compatible in the whole bit and again, it's open source. I Want foreign data? Link tables. We're not gonna go through all this because I know I'm running out of time Or I am out of time Um Everything there Yes, we actually can query mail chimp. I don't know why Or Twitter I actually kind of understand that Or s3 why the hell anyone would use that? I don't know But this is all the people we can just talk to natively from within postgres you can install an extension and query the remote source So you've got a head everybody knows you got heterogeneous networks. It's very rare It's very rare That you have a situation where I all I have is Linux and Apache and Python and postgres. I'm in heaven Usually it's I've got Linux and some jackass installed rails And I got postgres and then I got some queuing mechanism over here and then some guys still using like Java I don't know who uses Java anymore. Not that I have a problem with Java I just I don't run into it anymore And it's you're all over the place. You might even have to do Microsoft SQL Maybe, you know, you got your accounting people thinking that it's a good idea. You can talk to it right there This is the picture. I'm trying to paint Postgres understands that you need to be able to work So we make our database, which is your database because you're now here Able to work with whatever it is that you need to work with Nobody else does that. Everybody else is all Let's just use me. I Once more Functions and do imagine a world where you don't have to cross millions of rows in PHP I actually have recently been told that PHP isn't used all that much. It's still on my website Instead you let the database do it Think about it. Do you really want to pull out five million rows into I don't care what language you're using? Process it all just to send it all the way back, especially if you're in a shared tendency environment Or would you rather just have posters go? Hey, dude, I got this. Hold on a second We're good. Here's your result You can do it all right inside posters and I'm not suggesting that you process credit cards in Postgres And I say that because I had a customer doing that and I Know don't do that. You can but don't and do by the way. Do I talk about do? And I didn't say that either It is my professional recommendation that you do nothing with PHP unless you have to not because PHP is bad But because it is bad But and do functions and do I think I actually talked about this so functions I hate PLP. I don't know anybody likes PLP. Just you all. Okay. It's an ugly language. It's based on a something that is as old as I am ADA But we offer you the ability you can write your functions in Pearl Python PHP if you are one of these no GS guys, we have a JavaScript capability to write our functions in V8 of all things Which is a remarkably fast interpreter plus many many more Ruby. We even we even have PL bash Okay, I Hate the function parrot. I'm fine. You do you fool you get in line dynamic I didn't update ability right in whatever framework you decide to hang yourself with You ever use do anybody here use do not you What do allows you to do You can write your function and just execute it like a script Okay, I just for the record. I let them know I was gonna run late Two-minute warnings are kind of like football, right? It's actually 20 minutes with commercials Um Okay, you write you can actually let's say you're using Django. Okay, at least it's Python You call out to the custom handler so that you can run custom scripts without running through their ORM or whatever You can write your PL Python code Write the do statement and it will execute right in Postgres like it's a normal function and send things back You're still processing in the database But the function's outside of the database there's a lot of good reasons for this one It allows you to manage it better because one thing we don't have very good right now is the ability to manage like Functions with revision control and database revisions and things like that. There is some programs for it, but it's not integrated But postgres is old Look you retro plaid shirt shirt wearing hippie We may be metal age, but we have NBCC and transactions caught everybody knows who this is is he still here? Come on, buddy Come on. I want to give props to this man. He has had a hell of a week Not only has he been busting his ass to allow me to come speak to you He's been busting his ass to allow you to come listen to me Okay Him and Jimmy they're top-notch guys They're above community fray, which is awesome and they really made this shit happen This is the best this is better than any conference I've ever put on it's the best one that the community has ever had that I've been to no offense to PG Comfy you the bus they're asked to but this is what yeah, they do Yeah, they do a really good job, but this is the best one that I've been to here in the States And I I want a round of applause for them. They deserve it Now return around because there's Jimmy You can go now, it's okay All right columns are old-school well then fill your tables with Jake Jason be get acid NBCC transaction even to face commit I believe Mongo has to face commit But they haven't figured out anything else yet Although they're working on one of the things I love about this is that they all came down and said no This is the new way everyone should do this Six years later shit. We really need to do what Postgres has been doing all along They're actually working on things like in VCC now because they realized that their paradigm is broken Did you know that you can use Postgres QL functions to transform your proper relational data to that Jason thing? So you can keep your data sane and make your developers happy by letting them just call a function and we'll return Jason for Right This is this is my favorite slide the next slide is my favorite slide I spent a long time just loving this slide I'm gonna use no SQL My daughter loved fluorescent ponies when she was six, too Okay Eric Evans, I don't know the man. I'm sure he's very smart Because that's the problem is that when you get really smart people that aren't properly managed you get new SQL Reintroduced the term no SQL in early 2009, which is what six years ago Great slide. I just love these May say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us and the world will live as one now I know you guys think I've off my rocker, but again, I'm not getting paid for this and you came and sat so Here we go donate We prefer dollars now. We used to prefer euros. We now prefer dollars Okay, and we don't take pesos I post show that org about donate I would point you just a PG us because that's a nonprofit that I'm directly associated with except I'm also directly associated with org through SPI so Go to about donate pick your favorite organization whether it be Europe org or US and give all your money over and above your liquor and mortgage and We will take care of you Not like the Europeans do we don't strike like them For the following questions do not shout out. Please raise your hand. These are the bad boys Okay Please raise your hand Who is the original singer of the lyrics in this talk and what is the title of the song? You were first Michael boom 40 bucks and That oh, yeah, okay now This is for the Japanese whiskey Who was the what was the name of the 80s movie cover in this talk? You were first It was Hibiki 12 year You're welcome to have it. Thank you. You're welcome for the red breast for the record cast strength, which is 116.4 proof Hey, I almost came with bookers, which is 136 proof But it comes in a box with a glass front and it was just a little too white trash For the red breast Irish Who's the original director of the original boom? You got it. I hope you okay. Don't answer if you don't drink whiskey. Okay. That's just not cool Yeah, that's right No, come back Sweetie, I have no power. Why do I have no power? There it is. There it is. Okay. Okay. Yeah, that's right. Okay. I don't know how long this is gonna last. Oh, here it is. Yes No phones. Oh You the fact Got a daughter Zane Okay, fair enough. That's right the fat. No, no, no come on. Come on The fact that this gentleman was willing to remove all of his masculinity in front of us He gets the scotch Now, why don't I have power? I have other things to say It's not cool man here. Hold on. Hold on. I'm almost done. This I gotta have power. I Have no power. I Hope you didn't pay for this power. All right. Well, does anybody have any questions real quick any questions? All right, we're done. Have a great day