 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, guys will never choose or commit to you if you're making these mistakes. So don't do any of these, which I'm about to share with you. Really quickly, before we get started, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if a couple f-bombs or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my opinions, my perceptions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a contrarian, so much of my advice is contrary to the rhetoric that you've heard in the past. So you have to decide, does this resonate with you? Or do you just go, ah, to what Jonathan has to say. All right, let's jump into the topic of when a guy is gonna choose and commit to you because I know every woman wants to know how am I gonna get a guy to commit. So I'm gonna be candid with you. Most human beings today in the dating realm are rather stupid. Let me just call it for what it is. You guys are stupid. Now I know that's kind of cruel, so let me rewind that a little bit. Let me just say mostly clueless would be a better way of suggesting this. And let me give you an example. I am sure you've gone on dates with men and you've said to a guy, I want a relationship. And he goes, I want a relationship too. And then you start dating for a while, you connect, you have sex together, you're hanging out. And all of a sudden he says, I don't want a serious relationship. Well, the problem is when human beings say, I want a relationship, what you think a relationship is might be completely different than the kind of relationship I may think it is. So for example, in your world, you might be thinking, well, I'd like to see you two or three days a week. We'd like to do activities together. I'd like to be intimate with you. I wanna meet your family and friends and the list goes on and on. And in his world, it might be, well, I wanna see you once every other week at my beck and call. And that's what a relationship means to me. Folks, if you're not getting clarity on even just the term, what does a relationship mean? You're walking into a hornet's nest, okay? Because what he may perceive, what you may perceive it to be and what he may perceive it to be, and I'm just using this as an example, that space in between, that's called drama, drama, drama, because you're expecting him here and he's here. So that space in between, you're like, well, you said you wanted to be in a relationship and you're saying this in your head. Let me read back track. You're saying to me when you're asking for coaching, well, he said he wanted a relationship. Well, are you guys on the same page? And we have to take this step, take it to a next level. And what does commitment mean? What does commitment mean to each other? So I'm pulling up my, putting on my trusty glasses and I want you all to Google, I want you to type in Google, what is the definition of commitment? And I'm gonna read it to you. The definition of commitment, there's two definitions. First, the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity, or number two, an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom. An engagement or obligation that restricts freedom. So let me give an example of restricting freedom. Let's say it's my niece's birthday party this weekend. And my brother calls me and say, hey, I want you to join, come to my niece's, you know, your niece's birthday party or my daughter's birthday party. And I say, I'm in. So I made a commitment, but I wake up that morning going, God, I just don't feel like going. I'm feeling tired. I've got this going on. I've got that going on. Oh my God, I don't wanna go to my niece's birthday party, but I made a commitment. So that commitment feels like a restriction of freedom. And for a lot of people, men and women, commitment can feel like a restriction of freedom. Now, the first definition of commitment is dedicated to a common cause, dedicated to a common cause. And the challenge for those of us in midlife, and if you're in midlife, I'm a midlife dating coach. So that's after baby making years and before retirement. So most of my clients are somewhere between 42 and 69. Okay, what's missing is that common cause is making babies and raising families together. So that used to be the common cause. And now most midlife folks don't know what that common cause is to be together because companionship, connection and sex is not enough. And really, if we wanna take the definition of commitment deeper, we actually, to really reach a level of full commitment with another human being, you actually have to want to reach a point of wanting to take a care of another human being for good or for bad, for richer, for poor, for sickness through health, sickness or in health. Okay, that's the definition of full commitment. And the problem with most men these days, they're not a lot of men after going through a nasty divorce and you ladies feel the same way. I've heard so many women say, I don't wanna be his nurse or his purse. Well, that's basically saying that you don't want full commitment and many men feel the same way, especially after a contentious divorce. So this is one of the challenges of meaning to a place of full commitment and that's to determine if you're on the same page. In addition, so I think this is really important to understand and most of you are in the clouds, you're in the fantasy realm, you're operating from the place of, well, Jonathan, if I just sit back in my feminine energy, he's just gonna naturally climb me. Listen, folks, I'm all in favor of being in your empowerment. I am a big proponent of being in your empowerment. But here's the bottom line, sitting back in your feminine energy, might temporarily get a guy to chase you, especially those guys that wanna get laid, but that has no, by no means is that gonna suggest he's going to commit to you. And let me add this, because there's this bullshit rhetoric out there that playing hard to get will actually entice a man to fall in love with you. Let me just say this, playing hard to get temporarily gets a guy to chase you because men tend to like to conquer things, but you're gonna literally have to play hard to get throughout your relationship because the minute you surrender to the relationship, he's gone because you played a game. And I'm not a big proponent of playing games. This is why I can't stand the book, the rules, the rules, it's all game playing. There are some good things in here about empowerment, but most of it's designed to play games. And I'm here to suggest not playing games. And yet what are women doing these days that are causing men to avoid commitment? Well, first and foremost, you're not, first and foremost, you're giving your power away and most of you have no clue as to what your standards are, what your standards are. So let me give you an example of a standard. I'm gonna use my own personal. If you follow me, you know this because you probably already know this by heart. My standard in a relationship, right from the very early stages till the time I get married is gonna look like this. We are till we actually move in together, look something like this. We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared hobbies, mutual interests, shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either getting married or living together. That's my standard, okay? Now I interview hundreds of women a month for my coaching practice and every single one of them doesn't know their standard. They go, well, I want a relationship just like I said earlier. If you don't know what that is to you, then how can you determine if the guy you're with is on the same page? And so right off the bat, one of the first mistakes you make is not having clarity around your standards. And if you need some support with that, check out the link below in the description to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. My area of expertise is teaching you how to determine your standards and how to ask questions in a way that actually turns a guy on instead of turning a guy off. So check out that link below. So as I said before, the mistake most women make is that they give their power away in relationship. They give their power away. And I'm gonna share with you what that looks like. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses again and read from my notes and here's my notes. Guys will never choose or commit to you if you're doing these mistakes. And mistake number one is the relationship is on his terms. The relationship is on his terms. You literally abandon your standards or boundaries or you don't vocalize your standards and boundaries. Remember, a boundary is simply what's okay and what's not okay for me. So the relationship is on his terms. So you're seeking three or four days and nights a week together. He's like, you know what? I just wanna see you at my beck and call. And you're okay with that. You're okay with his terms. Folks, do you know what's really sexy to a guy? When you establish your standard and then you stick to your standard. Now, let me say this. This is sexy to the emotionally healthy man. Sadly, the vast majority of human beings are rather dysfunctional. In fact, if you haven't seen my latest chart, I'm gonna pull it up here. Now by the way, this chart, I want you to read the bottom. Not a fact, just an opinion. But this chart is emotional maturity, emotional maturity and relationship skills. And the reality is it's roughly about 20% of the human population or at least here in the United States anyway, have clinical issues when it comes to their personality and behaviors. And then another 60% are dysfunctional. This is men and women alike. You have weak emotional skills, weaker relationship skills. And then lastly is about 20% are healthy. Now, every woman and every man thinks they're emotionally healthy. This is the delusion happening in the dating, mating and relating realm. And as I said in the beginning, most of you guys are stupid because you're clueless to the fact that so few people actually operate from with good communication skills, with good emotional health. And I know a lot of you women think you're better at it. You are not. And I can say this as a man in the dating realm. I'm dealing with the exact, every problem you're dealing with men, I'm dealing with women. This isn't singular to a gender. So we're dealing with a dysfunctional demographic. And if you want to put the odds in your favor, then it's time to wake up to this understanding that so many of you women operate from giving your power away by allowing the man to have the relationship is on his terms. Ladies, men are rather clueless. They're winging it in the dating realm. They're winging it. So let me just say this, if you're giving the job to him, you're giving the job to the wrong person. You are in charge of your relationship destiny, not the guy. Number two, you're afraid to speak your truth in relationship. Oh my God, so many of you are so afraid to speak your truth to a guy because you're afraid he's gonna run away. Let me just tell you something. If you're not familiar, I wrote a book called What the Heck is Self Love Anyway. What the Heck is Self Love Anyway. Chapter one is speak your truth, just do it kindly. And then later, chapter nine, if you're sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. You can't do the wrong thing with the right guy if it's sincere and from your heart. If you're coming from fear, if you're coming from judgment, if you're coming from a borderline personality, absolutely you can screw up a great relationship. And please forgive me on the borderline. And believe me, this is true of men and women alike. So, but I'm here to say, folks, stop being afraid to speak your truth. True intimacy happens when you speak your truth to a guy. If you're not familiar with the book Oral Sex, Oral Sex, and by the way, it might be out of stock right now, so there's alternative books, but talking and listening your way to passionate intimacy. Folks, the reason why you guys aren't committing to one another is you haven't developed the deep bond of intimacy to actually take the relationship to the next level. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit back on my feminine. Folks, you're in charge of your destiny and don't expect men to know this shit. Men are clueless, just like you women are clueless. I'm an equal opportunity judge here. I'm saying this, believe me, I witnessed a lot of dysfunctionality out there and I'm saying, ladies, you're just as guilty of this as men. Okay, number three, you're waiting for him to initiate contact. Folks, men want to feel appreciated. They don't want the burden of the relationship on their shoulders. Now, emotionally mature men. Emotionally immature men, again, they want you at their beck and call, so they're gonna reach out at their beck and call. But if you wanna be with an emotionally healthy guy, then you're gonna have to initiate contacts, plan dates, take the bull by the horns, stop leaving it up to men. But Jonathan, all the other dating coaches tell me to do something else. You know, if all those other dating coaches were right, why are people miserable out there? Why are they miserable out there? I'm here to offer an alternate way of looking things. Folks, I'm a big proponent. The dating process is a two-lane street. A two-lane street, you're equally making effort in the relationship, equally making effort. You're mutually on the same page. And as I said before, you mutually want to take care of one another. The reality is a stage one of love is I need my needs met, but stage two is I care about my partner's needs. And a lot of human beings are operating from that selfish place of their own needs. I'm here to say, look it, I'm all in favor of putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. It starts with self. There's no doubt about it. Self love starts with self. And at the same time, it's about having compassion for human beings as well. And stop waiting for him to initiate contact. You can make contact as well. Okay, number four, you stop doing your pre-relationship life because you're waiting for him all the time. That is not sexy to a guy and a guy won't commit to a woman who's a doormat, who's low hanging fruit. I'm gonna repeat that, a doormat, men are attracted to emotionally healthy men are attracted to empowered women. So stop giving up your previous life just to be on a beck and call at a guy's life because he isn't gonna choose you for that. And number five, you feel like you can't live without him. There's an old adage, the person who cares the least has the power in the relationship. Now I'm a big believer when two people genuinely care for each other mutually, that's where relationship success lies where you both mutually wanna take care of one another. It is not, you can't live without him. Look at folks, most of you know I lost a child. It's just popped in my head right now. Okay, there's a picture of Connor right there and there and there. Losing a child is the worst thing on the planet to have happen. And yet I know in my life, he wants me to flourish in my life. I know I can live, he's not here in the physical sense. I didn't abandon who I was because he transitioned to the other side. And so when, if you feel as though you can't live without a guy, I just want you to understand something folks, when you can learn to love yourself because that's the lesson Connor, that's the lesson Connor taught me when he passed away was learning that what's most important is I love on myself. It's not to give my power away to anyone else. And if I can pass on this bit of wisdom that I learned for myself, is that you can live well without a guy in your life because let me tell you a guy won't commit to you if he remotely feels like he has greater power in the relationship. And lastly, number six, again, this is kind of a piggyback. You only think this is the only person in the universe that will ever make you feel chemistry. Oh my God. Listen, I've had chemistry with dozens of women and I hope to God the next person I meet is the last one I have, like the last first kiss. But I know if it isn't, there always will be someone out there I can have chemistry with. Stop believing that this one guy, you had Jonathan, I have this most amazing connection. I have to hold out for him because I'll never feel this again. Folks, you can absolutely feel this again because when you give your power away to a man, an emotionally healthy man won't commit. Only the users and the emotionally unhealthy men will take advantage of that. So be in your empowerment, be in your sovereignty, be in your self-worth, your self-esteem, self-reliance, self-confidence, self-discipline, your self-love, be in that space of being and watch how men gravitate towards you instead of runaway. Does that make sense? All right. All right. How is a guy gonna choose you when you are empowered and not giving your power away? And when you know your standards and you stick to your boundaries, that's what's gonna make a guy commit. Can I get an amen? And can I get a thumbs up if you agree? All right. Well, that ends our content portion of this. Now we're gonna take questions from the audience. If you're watching the live stream right now on YouTube, there's a chat box where you can post questions, you can write the word question and post the question there after, or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. All of the funds, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies go to a scholarship fund in the name of Connor Asley. Again, that's him there, my son who passed away. And it helps to fray the cost of personal development. So I invite you to purchase a super sticker, super chat to help fund the Connor Asley scholarship fund for helping folks to fray the cost of personal development and giving to the personal development charities I care about most. All right, let's jump into our, and by the way, if you're listening to the audio portion you won't be able to see the Q&A. So let's scroll here. Declan's world starts off. Question. Do newly divorced men move slower in relationship? X example, introducing you to kids in extended family. By the way, I just received your book. Declan's world, thank you so much. Do divorced men move slowly? Well, yes and no. So men who are co-dependent, co-dependent, if you're not familiar with the book, co-dependent no more, co-dependent no more. There is a group of human beings that are rather dependent on other human beings, not interdependent dependent. And if a man is co-dependent, he oftentimes attaches himself to the first woman he meets. He attaches himself to the first woman he meets. In other words, this is a man or woman who cannot live on their own. They literally feel unsafe. It's the Jerry Maguire. I need someone to complete me so I can feel good about myself. In fact, these people are suckling on the nipple of, I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I repeat that. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I'm gonna repeat that. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. We are suckling on the nipple of that. Many people in the United States. So there's a group of men that immediately attach themselves to other women. The first woman they meet, they oftentimes marry and they often have a 65% divorce rate and then they have a 75% divorce rate on their third marriage because that's one group of men. Then there's the other group of men that are players after the divorce. They're like, oh my God, I have freedom and I have money. Look at the guys with money and have freedom. Oh my God, they turn into players after divorce. And I kind of did that a little bit after my divorce. I wasn't playing, I wasn't a player. I was a serial data after my divorce. I was addicted to the high of meeting women for the first time. I was addicted to that high. So I was a serial data. Then there are other men that are serial monogamous, serial monogamous. And these are men that will enter into a relationship but I have a theory about people who are serial monogamous. I think these are typically emotionally unavailable or emotionally stunted people that are codependent. They prefer monogamy, but they're not capable of going into deeper intimacy. They're not capable of going into deeper intimacy. Then there's a group of men that take a break from dating. Then there's a group of men that the last thing they want to do is ever get remarried. As I said earlier, a lot of men and women don't want to become someone's nurse or doctor or their purse or wallet. So there's all types of different people after divorce. Here's what I have learned. It takes about two years to unravel the tapestry of an old life to integrate into your new life. And most of the time people have one to two transition relationships during that first two years. So here's the gamble you take by dating someone who's just gone through a divorce. The gamble is, are you going to be their transition girlfriend? Now I shared this story once before, but I want to share it again. This was right after I moved out of the house when I was going through a divorce and it was about five months into my divorce. And I met this woman online and she said, how long have you been divorced? I said, well, I just got separated five months ago. And she wrote me back saying, reach out to me in 18 to 24 months after you've had one or two transition relationships. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, you're not ready for a relationship. I go, no, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. And she goes, well, I'm not interested. So sure enough, I met a woman about eight, nine months after my divorce. Great woman, fantastic woman. But three months into it, I was so not ready for a relationship. And then about four months later, I met another woman we dated for about three months and I so wasn't ready for a relationship. And when I thought back to what that woman said, she was right. Not that those were real deep transitional relationships, but it took me years before I was ready for a serious committed relationship. In fact, after my divorce, I went through the tunnel of despair. The market crash of 2008 wiped me out and I began doing drugs and alcohol just to get through the day. And that's a significant number of human beings out there, men and women alike. So the reality is, is it takes a minimum, I think, on average, not as an absolute, a good two years to actually be even consider taking on the responsibility of being in a romantic relationship that leads to commitment. I'm gonna repeat that, just even consider it, takes a couple of years. And those codependent people do it very quickly and guess what? They get divorced just as quickly because they jumped in before they got to know who they were. So coming back to your original question, Declan, do newly divorced men move slower in relationship? Some, yes, some, no, some operate the different ways I just shared with you. So I hope that helped out. That was a great question. Thank you so much. All right, thank you. I wanna thank Susan Van Turry for the $5 Super Sticker. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. There it is. Thank you so much for the Super Sticker. All right, question. Oops, bear with me, everyone. This is just a little bit. Let's go swim in. Pa, Parisa says, Jonathan, dear lovely Jonathan, how do we know if we're ready for a relationship? Okay, first, you know what your standards are. You know what your standards are. As I shared earlier in this video, my standard is we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy with the desire of either moving into or they're getting married. Ultimately, it takes this one thing. I believe this is my latest conversation that's been going on in my head to really help you get clarity on what it takes to actually be in a relationship, to actually be in a fully committed relationship. Folks, until human beings can reach that point of saying, I'm willing to take care of somebody. I'm willing to take care of somebody, through thickness and thin, through better or worse, through sickness and health, through richer or poorer, until you actually can reach that point where you want that before you even meet a person saying, I am ready to take care of someone. So for those folks that say, I don't wanna be a nurse or purse, well guess what? You're setting yourself up for failure because I know what you mean. You don't wanna choose men who are sick and you don't wanna choose men who are broke. I get it, but guess what happens? What if you fall in love with someone, you got married and the day after you got married, they got sick and they lost all their money in the market? Would you abandon them or would you take care of them? Until human beings reach a point of saying, I'm ready to take care of somebody. Then guess what? Midlife relationships are mostly going to be casual relationships. Let me repeat that. Midlife relationships are going to be casual relationships until you reach this level of saying, I'm ready to take care of another human being. I'm gonna tell you something. This awareness came to me just recently. Now part of this is after my divorce, I'm gonna be candid with you after my divorce, I didn't feel very appreciated in my marriage and we certainly had a contentious divorce. In fact, it was all about the money, the money, the money, the money. And I began to resent my ex-wife and quite frankly, I began to resent women in general. Because on some level the dating process comes with expectation that men are supposed to be the providers and pay for everything without any genuine reciprocation and it was mostly coming out of expectations. So I resented women for a long time, for a very long time. I'm being, this is very sincere. Now I've healed that, I've healed that but many men feel the same way. They feel a sense of resentment, especially if they went through a contentious divorce. And then for the longest time, I didn't wanna take care of anyone because I didn't have the resources to take care of anyone. I was flat out broke after my divorce because of the market crash of 2008. So I didn't feel like I was capable of taking care of someone. And then I literally was having this awareness the other day, I actually was sitting out on my balcony sipping some, well sipping some wine. This is my coffee mug that says, swear a little, you'll feel better. I was sitting on my balcony and I said to myself, I'm ready to take care of somebody. I'm ready to be there, richer or poor, thicker than, sickness and health, I'm ready. And it took that awareness to shift. And I feel like just that shift alone is going to shift how I attract the right partner in my life. It takes wanting to be ready to take care of someone. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? And I know ladies, you are natural caretakers, but ultimately it's gonna require the man to want to be a caretaker in this relationship as well. It's gonna require the man to reach that point to say, I want full commitment. Instead of, remember I showed you the commitment here, the definition of commitment, the state or quality of being dedicated to a common cause. That common cause is I wanna take care of you. You mutually want to take care of one another. Sadly, most men entered the dating process thinking commitment is a restriction of freedom. This is why I encourage you all to ask better questions in the dating process. This is why if you need some help, check out the link to a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. I teach you how to ask those better questions early in the dating process so you don't spend time with the wrong guy you actually determine. And I'm gonna give you a hint. The first question you should ask a guy, what does commitment look like for you? What does it look like for you? That's a powerful question. But Jonathan, I'm not supposed to interrogate a guy on the first date. Folks, you should be interrogating the motherfucker as much as you can before the penis goes inside the vagina. And if you haven't read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, you should be reading this and buying two copies before you have sex with a guy. And folks, you're not ready for a relationship until you know this book backward and forward and forward and backward and backward and forward. And you better also get the companion, not the companion book, but the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg because most you women and men especially are terrible at your communication skills. So if you, listen, I know I was yelling. Let me take a deep breath. I yell because children, you're gonna touch fire. Folks, you're not ready for a relationship, a healthy relationship until you know the mechanics to a healthy relationship and you have good communication skills and you're ready to take care of someone. So that's my invitation for everyone today. Is this syncing in? Is this resonating? If it's yes, give me a thumbs up. All right, I think that answers your question, Parisa. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. All right, looks like Stacy just sent a dollar super sticker. Thank you so much. We have another super sticker by Stacy. Thank you so much. We have, let's see, I see some other ones here. Oh, we've got Susan. Question. Oh, wait, one second, Susan. Okay, and Debbie has a question. Susan wrote, question. Do I tell this nice guy to check back in a few months? We made plans last week to meet two weeks, two weeks talking, his mom fell in his home. Well, what has he suggested? What has he said? I mean, a few months. First off, if he's capable of meeting you, then see him. You don't have to make the suggestion. You can certainly make that offer just say, hey, look, I know you're going through a lot right now and maybe you might want to take a break from meeting. I'm okay either way. I'm okay either way. But I would invite, let's see what he says. What does he suggest? Or you can make the invitation. That's a great question, Susan. And that's the way I would approach that question. So great question, thank you so much. All right, Debbie writes question. My significant other was divorced over 13 years ago. He has two grown daughters that don't speak to him. He only blames his ex for that. Do I keep gently nudging him to speak more about this? Well, okay, that's an interesting question. So I'm thinking about this. You know what bothers me? It bothers me that a child can be influenced by their parents. In other words, a child can poison, or excuse me, a parent can poison a child's mind. It really bothers me that a parent would do that. But it also makes me a little leery that a child doesn't love their parent. They would abandon their parent. So I'm not an expert in this area. This is a really tough one. I would probably speak to a therapist or a psychologist because this is a really tough one. And quite frankly, by the way, folks, I've met women who basically have told me that their husbands have spoiled their relationship with the children. And the fact that a woman doesn't have a relationship with their children freaks me out. Meaning I'm actually believing that the woman is the problem versus the other parent. And I'm not suggesting that the wife in this particular case is the problem, but I would venture to say there are some issues with the man himself that would make me reluctant to even want to invest with someone because here's the bottom line, folks. One of the fundamentals of emotional maturity is you take personal responsibility for your choices. And sadly, most people are suckling on the nipple, the nipple of victimhood. In other words, it's my ex-wife's fault that my children don't like me. It's my ex-wife's fault without taking any ownership in their own part. So I'm not suggesting that's the case. I'm just here to say I'm leery of anyone who doesn't talk to their children even if their ex-spouse poisoned them. Look at my ex-spouse tried to poison my relationship with my children and I have a fantastic relationship with my children. And I probably tried to poison it as well. Look at when you're angry and contentious, this is gonna happen. I'm just a little worried when someone doesn't have a relationship with their child, I'm worried what's wrong with them. That's just how I feel about that. So Susan, thank you so, or Debbie, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Melissa purchased a super sticker. She said, avoid being a transitional girlfriend because of the, I avoid, I avoided being a transitional girlfriend because of you. Thank you so much, Melissa. I appreciate that. All right. Coco writes, question. Coco 2021 writes, question. What are your thoughts for when he doesn't trust women from being hurt in his past a lot? He tells you different, but doesn't seem to trust you and is on guard all the time. Great question. Folks, here's how I feel about dating people with trust issues. No dating. Do not date a woman or man with trust issues. Folks, I have gone out on dates with women who have trust issues. If a person has trust issues, I run the other direction. Now, a couple of reasons why in my world, I talk to women all day long. If a person has trust issues, they're gonna give me shit all day long because what do I do is talk to women all day long professionally. Folks, when someone has an issue, it's on them to heal it on their own time. Your job is not to be the therapist to heal someone that has trust issues. And I would avoid someone with trust issues very much. Someone who's been hurt in the past. Someone who has their guard up. Folks, I don't like dating women who have a guard up. If you women have a guard up, that means you're not open and receptive to love. Listen, I'm not here, my father used to say, by the way, my parents are Turkish. So he says it with a little bit Arabic tone. He says, you can put your faith in Allah, but don't forget to tie up your camel. Listen, folks, I'm never in favor of being guarded. I'm never in favor of being guarded. I'm in favor of being open and receptive to love and detached from an outcome. Let me repeat that, detached from an outcome. And ladies, as I said at the beginning of this video, you guys are suckling on the nipple of giving your power away to men. That's because you're attached to the outcome. Stop it! Stop giving your power away. Stop being attached to the outcome. There's a dance between being open and receptive and being mindful, versus just giving your power away and expecting a result. Look, listen, if we learned one thing, there are apps. Folks, I shared earlier I lost a child. If I've learned one thing in life, nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed. You can wake up one morning and get a phone call telling your child passed away. It can happen as fast as that. Life changes at a dime. If I learned one thing from Connor is to learn to appreciate every day as much as I can possibly appreciate and not get attached to some future outcome. Sure, I might make plans to go on vacation and I buy tickets and things like that, but getting attached to the outcome as if it's, folks, if I can get one say one thing, stop being attached to the outcome with someone because you cannot guarantee what's gonna happen next. And if you're giving your power away to someone, you're literally expecting them to hold your heart and men can't do that. Only you can do that for yourself only you can love on yourself. Connor was the inspiration for this book because he taught me one lesson. There are no guarantees. What's most important is living your life to the fullest each day. Chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. Chapter two, stop complaining. Chapter five, don't let anyone fuck with your chi. These are all the lessons I learned from my son. Please order the book so you can learn it. It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you don't learn to give your power away to another human being. Thank you for allowing me to go on on a tangent and thank you for allowing me to share. All right, Coco, I hope I answered your question. I went off on a tangent there. All right. Leela says, Jonathan, I wanna give you a big hug. I wanna give you a hug. You're really giving away good advice which we're all thankful and looking up to you. Thank you so much. Stacy says, we all have trust issues. No, I don't have trust issues because I have learned one thing. So let me just say this. I have learned one thing. I can trust myself. I don't put my faith in other people. I put faith in myself. So we can absolutely learn to trust if we learn to trust ourselves. Do we all have issues? Apps of fucking Lutely. Do we all have fears in relationship? Apps of fucking Lutely. And at the same time, we can learn to trust ourselves because the real journey, and this is the journey I've worked on, is learning how to trust myself. And that's my invitation for everyone. Anna says, hugs to you, thank you. All right, question. Sadie writes, Jonathan, how do you strike a balance between showing a man that you like him and not being overly keen? Well, that's easy, just stop being overly keen. Listen, folks, it's simple. You make an investment, he makes an investment. You make, he makes, or excuse me, he makes an investment, you make an investment. Let me bring it down here. You make an investment, he makes an investment. He makes an investment, you make an investment. A relationship is like a ping pong game. You back and forth volley making investments in each other. You share and express at a mutual level. When it's in balance, what's that space in between? Drama, drama, drama. Ladies, you guys make a lot of drama because if you have an expectation of here and he's here, that's not his fault, that's on you. So don't give this much. If he's giving this much, you give this much. You can still express you care for someone. You can still express you like someone. And at the same time, you can express what you desire in a relationship. That's what a standard is. Folks, it's time to stop fucking not having a voice. It's time to speak up. Stop giving your power away. Listen, there's a great book by Barbara DeAngelis called Making Love All the Time. I love this book because it teaches women how to be more, teaches men and women, excuse me, how to be more engaged in the relationship. And folks, I've said it once, I've said it a million times before the penis goes inside the vagina. Read this book together because then you don't have to worry about it. You're communicating. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit back in my feminine energy and let him climb me. All right, you guys know I love to make a joke out of that, but I'm just so tired of this fucking princess rhetoric. You're, a lot of you are being taught by a bunch of princesses that want you all to, they're making you think that there are Prince Charmings out there. No, everybody, as Stacy said, I don't believe everybody has trust issues. I think everybody has issues, okay? It's just a matter of degrees. Some people have clinical issues. I mean, real clinical issues, sociopaths, borderlines, bipolar disorder, narcissism, men and women alike. And then there are the emotionally healthy people that everybody is somewhere in the middle. Stop pretending that Prince Charming exists because the reality is is most men, most men are good guys. They're just bad daters. That's all. Most people are bad communicator. Most people have bad communication skills at best. Not all, most, okay? And it's just as many women as men. All right, I went off on a tangent there. I hope I answered your question. Thank you so much. Gisela says he doesn't exist. And that kind of thinking, folks, is why somebody will remain single. If you don't believe good men exist, then you will remain single. Stacy says BS. Okay, that's how you feel. As I said in the beginning of this video, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, okay? I'm a contrarian. I see the world a little bit differently. You can agree and we can agree to disagree. I don't disagree with what I'm saying. But then again, it's coming out of my mouth. Unless somebody, let me just say this, true growth is to be able to listen to someone's point of view and accept their point of view as being true for them. And I am certainly open to having my mind change. Just give me the data to change my mind. That's all. Okay. KK says, or KJJK says, can you please do a video specifically about crappy X, Ys, divorce and separated men? Will she always be coddled and defended? Okay, I'll do a video on that at some point. Okay, Joy writes, question, we have just have to work on not letting our issues get the best of us. If we don't love ourselves, how can we give away what we don't know and how to do it ourselves? Correct, folks. There's an old saying, how can you love another if you can't love yourself? Here's the thing. I think we're all work in progress. I'm gonna repeat that. I think we're all works in progress. So here's the thing. If you're actively healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause our negative patterns and limiting beliefs, if you're actively healing it, it's absolutely okay to start being in relationship with someone. If you've done no work to heal childhood wounds and traumas, most likely you are going to be dysfunctional in relationship. This is why I continually recommend the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our lives. And I recommend this book to everybody who wants to shift their narrative from having dysfunctional relationships with themselves and to start having functional relationships with others. Let me repeat that. To start healing on oneself, the dysfunctional aspects of oneself, which allows you to actually have a functional relationship with one another. And that's my invitation for all of you. So I hope that helps. At least that's my perception anyway. All right, thanks so much. Is this resonating with you? If it is, give me an amen. Hit that like button. If you need some support, check out the link to a free discovery call to see if working with the coach is right for you. Check out my group, Midlife Love Mastery. If you wanna have direct access to me on a regular basis. All right, I think we have time for one more question. All right, Stacey writes, "'We all love you and we care about you, "'so you can share with us your top three experiences "'with your son. "'We're here for you.'" Aw, thank you. My top three experiences. Well, my first one that comes to mind is that there are no guarantees in life. In other words, you can wake up tomorrow, you could be dead or someone else can be dead, you love. So folks, Connor passed away on July 3rd, 2018. The last time I physically saw him was July 1st, 2018. My son and I had a ritual. We would get together a couple of times a week to have lunch. We'd break Brad, share what was going on. It was great. And usually, and not usually, every single time we said goodbye, we had a ritual. We gave each other a hug and a kiss on the cheek and I love you. Those are my last words to my son, was a hug and cheek and I had a kiss on the cheek and I love you. That's my last physical presence with him. I texted him the day before he passed away. So the first thing I invite everyone to do is to be grateful because somebody could be gone the next day. Number two, this lesson was a Connor lesson, which is part of my book. It's chapter five in my book, where is chapter five? Chapter five, let me fix this. Chapter five in my book. Don't let anyone fuck with your chi. This was Connor's version of the four agreements. The four agreements. One of the four agreements is don't let anyone's projection of them, their projection of you affect how you feel. Connor had this beautiful way of allowing, people had a problem with him. He was like, fuck you, I don't care. Now, what I mean by not caring, what it meant was I'm not gonna let you affect how I feel about myself. So lesson number two is don't let anyone fuck with your chi. Don't let anyone's opinion. And by the way, I've had trolls. I have nasty people writing messages. I even had a woman last week write a message. How dare you use your son on your podcast to gain sympathy from others? How dare you? She basically said, you're a fraud, you're a loser. Hurt people try to hurt others. I don't allow, I was pissed off for a moment and then I sent her some love because this is a human being obviously hurting. So that's the second lesson. The third lesson is to do my best to operate from the premise of what would love do and how would love respond? It's the way I responded to this woman. One of the lessons I learned from Connor was really how to operate from a place of love. Connor, Connor was an unusual kid. My oldest son is a, okay, there's Colin, right? There's Colin, the graduate right there. Stepford child, graduated high school, straight A student, went to college, graduated magna cum laude. In fact, he got pretty much a full ride because he had great grades. Total Stepford kid. Connor, James Dean, rebel without a cause. He traveled a thousand miles an hour with his hair on fire. He just had this amazing ability. He was different than anyone else. He beat to his own drum. It was just beautiful. And what I appreciate most about my boys is that parents love their children. I don't just love my children. I like my boys. I like them. I like them as human beings. I used to call, I call Colin to this day. I mean, I call him for dating advice. A 25-year-old kid that doesn't know shit but I call my boys for advice because they are really great human beings that have a lot to say. I learned to communicate with my boys very early on. I just shared the story with a client who came to visit me today but I did something called sacred circle with my boys, sacred circle, when they were seven and 10 years old. I sat them in a circle. We sat together and I said this, sacred circle on. And when sacred circle was on, they could say whatever they want to me. They could say whatever they want to me. So what did they say? Fuckity, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuckity, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuckity, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck. Look at this. I got a napkin that says it. For four straight years, we used to play sacred circle. And that's all they would say. Wow, my oldest calls me up, says, Dad, can you put on sacred circle? I said, sure. Because I need your advice on something. And I realized that in that time, I had built trust with my children. For four straight years, all they would say, we would play a game like musical chairs, sacred circle on. Fuckity, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then sacred circle off and they'd shut up. Sacred circle on, fuckity, fuckity, fuck. I mean, literally for four years. And then Colin felt safe enough to say to me, Dad, can you put sacred circle on? And he asked me a very personal question. And then a few years later, Connor did it. Dad, can you put sacred circle on? It meant, can we be vulnerable, authentic, transparent, safe with one another? And if I learned anything from my children, is that you can't control the outcome of anybody's life, especially those you love and care about. What you can do mostly is listen, be there for them, try to teach them right or wrong. And most importantly, you're gonna laugh at this one. If you ask my boys the three lessons I taught them, try to learn the difference between right or wrong, always do your best and never give a woman your credit card. That was a joke in a movie that we saw. And if you ask them both right now, the three lessons I taught them, that was the third lesson and it was a joke. But it illustrates a point. Don't give your power away to anyone. And that's my invitation for you all. Don't give your power away to anyone. Retain your power through self-love. And I learned all of these lessons being a parent and going through the greatest tragedy any parent can go in their life. So thank you for your question, Stacey. I really appreciate it. By the way, if this resonated with you, please give me a thumbs up. If this resonated with you, purchase a super sticker, super chat, I'd really be grateful. Can I get an amen if this resonated with you? My hair is all funky now. Let me see what's said in the, Joy says, thank you. I am so thankful that you always speak from your heart and you're true to yourself and you don't sugarcoat things. Grateful to have found you. Thank you, Joy. I appreciate that. Oops, let's see. Wendy says, I'm fine with you talking about your sons. My sons say the same thing. Ha ha, more so when they were younger. He's now 24, lives in San Diego. Thank you, Wendy. If you only knew that it was true, I'm not sure what that means. I love the idea of sacred circle with your children. It came to me one day out of the blue and it was the greatest blessing I ever had with my boys. Do you even know what sacred circle is? I just shared what it is or at least my version of it. Stacey says, wow. Alisa says, how beautiful to hear you speak so lovingly about your boys. Thank you so much. Thank you for clearing that up, Stacey. We all love its beautiful memories. Thank you so much. And Sabrina says, don't let anyone eff with your chi. That's not proper. All right. Folks, I think this would be a great place to wrap up today. A lot was shared. I hope you found value. Guys will never choose or commit if you're doing these things, giving your power away. Meaning the relationship is on his terms. You're afraid to speak your truth. You're waiting for him to initiate contact. You stop doing your free relationship life. You feel like you can't live without him and you feel like he's the only guy you can have chemistry with. If you want a guy to commit, take ownership of your life, set your standards, have boundaries, have fun, get laid and go out and make it a great evening. If you found value in this, please share it with your friends. If you're watching the replay, post a comment below. I'd be grateful. And we're gonna wrap up today as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a Teddy Barrow pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch, everyone. I really appreciate you, Carol, Marina, Stacey, Carmen, Jennifer, lovely, Michelle. The list goes on, Judy. Thank you all so much and have a wonderful, fabulous day. Bye-bye now.