 The Kraft Foods Company presents Willard Waterman as the Great Gildesleeve. The Great Gildesleeve is brought to you partially transcribed by the Kraft Foods Company. Kraft, makers of the one and only Miracle Whip salad dressing. We say one and only because there just isn't any other salad dressing like Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip is different and it tastes different. Miracle Whip tastes so good it's become the most popular salad dressing ever created. More Miracle Whip is sold than the next 20 leading brands of salad dressing combined. Try it. Make your salads better tasting with the one and only Miracle Whip. It's amazing what a boy can carry around in his pockets. But that's nothing compared to the amount of debris he can accumulate in his room. All winter the Great Gildesleeve was after Leroy to clean out his quarters, but his nephew begged off until school was out. Now that school has been out a couple of weeks, the water commissioner has had to put his foot down. Well, he did a fair job cleaning the junk out of his room. Now I'd better go outside and see if he burns the stuff. Oh my goodness. Look at that pile of comic books and boxes by the incinerator. I think the incinerator is there. Yeah, I have to burn the pile myself, I suppose. The city official should keep a tidy backyard this election year. Hello, Uncle Mark. Oh, good morning, Marjorie. Didn't see you. Are those things belong to the twins or to Bronco? To the twins. I'm glad George, they're growing. Leroy been to your house this morning? I haven't seen him. He's supposed to burn all this junk that came out of his room. But I guess I'll have to stuff it in the incinerator. You say? It is. Well, he said he didn't want to see it anymore when school was out and I guess he means it. What's this? Oh, that tie he gave me for Christmas. Why is he burning your tie? I gave it back to him. A loyal sunset. How could Leroy keep all this in his room and still get into it himself? I think he's been crawling in and out the window. Say, was Leroy's new baseball club doing in here? He bought it at Hogan Brothers just last week. Oh, Leroy's so careless. Yeah, good thing I checked up on him this morning. Hi! Oh, hi, Leroy. Leroy, it's time you showed up. I just came back to burn that stuff. Were you going to burn this baseball glove? Sure, it's no good. Leroy? It came unstitched and all the padding came out. After one week? After one day. He gave only a good one, so I threw this one away. Leroy, if the glove was defective, why didn't you take it back to Hogan Brothers? Well, like I say, I'm using piggies. Oh, my goodness. Well, I'd certainly return it. I'd get my money back. Yeah, you're a woman. You like to take things back and get the money. Young man, you go back for a refund. What? Or make them give you a new one. I shan't go. I don't want to go down there. Why should I feel cheap just to return a cheap glove? My boy, I'm not thinking of the money. Ha! Well, I'm not. It's the principle of the thing. Now, you take the glove down there this morning. You're a half-kid like me fighting it out with a big department store. Leroy, it's not a fight. It's a matter of business. Why do you suppose they have a complaint department right in the middle of the store? So you'll be ashamed to return stuff with a lot of people watching. Young man, you meet me there at 10 o'clock. I'll show you how to handle this thing. I'm going to speak up. When I George, I'll speak up. I think I'll pick up a cigar at Peavey before I tackle the complaint department. There's something about a big man with a big cigar that's impressive. Hello, Peavey. Yeah, I don't know much, honestly. What's up with you this morning? Give me one of those extra-long cigars, Peavey. Well, on your way to their office? No. I'm on my way to the complaint department. Well, isn't that your office? I mean Hogan Brothers' Peavey. I'm going to meet Leroy there and return the baseball club. Something wrong with it? Why do you think I'm taking it back? Well, I imagine because there's something wrong with it. That's exactly why I'm taking it back. That's what I say. I should make Leroy do it alone. But the boy's a little squeamish about asking for another club. Well, I can understand that. I was foolish enough to go in there once with a complaint. What do you mean foolish, Peavey? One year ago, I walked in the store with 50 feet of garden hose that Mrs. Peavey had bought and told him it leaked in the wrong places. That was my first mistake. What happened? Well, there was a lantern-jord gentleman behind the counter who looked like fearless fuzz, Dick. Yeah? And he immediately assumed that I was in the wrong and accused me of bringing back a used hose. He did. So I asked him, how can I tell it leaked if I hadn't used it? Well, he'd better not rub me the wrong way when I go in there. And I hope you have your sales slip, Mr. Guilherme. That's one of the first things he asked me. You bet. I'm eluded. Well, I wasn't. Did he settle with you then? Not without an argument. And that's when I got my dander up. Oh? I was about to swing that 50 feet of hose around my head and clear out the door. Then they gave me my money back. Good for you, Peavey. I don't have to smack anybody with that baseball glove. Well, it was quite a shaking experience, especially when I got home and found out Mrs. Peavey hadn't bought the hose there at all. She hadn't? She picked it up at the corner hardware store. So you had to return the money and apologize? No, I wouldn't say that. What? I went back with that in mind, but they saw me coming, called the house detective, and he showed me the door before I could say a word. By George, I'm going to have trouble with that man in the complaint department. I can feel it. Complaint department, Mr. Kelly speaking. I'm the manager. How can I help you, Mr. Jones? It fell apart. Oh, no. You poor man. Well, I don't blame you. I'd be upset, too. I beg your pardon, miss. I'm Dr. Morton P. Gildersley. Oh, just a moment. Now, Mr. Jones, it's so difficult to settle these little things over the phone. Why don't you come down and talk to me personally? Just listen to that come hither voice. Anytime, Mr. Jones, anytime. By George, he's not going to sweet talk me like that. Goodbye, Mr. Jones. Now then, what can I do for you, Mr. Gildersley? How did you know my name? You told me while I was on the phone. Oh, yes, well. Surely you don't have a complaint, Mr. Gildersley. You don't appear to be the complaining kind. Well... I have a complaint, but I don't want to handle it through you. Oh? I want to talk directly to the manager. I see. I understand the manager's a tough old bird. Well, not so old. But I'm a tough city official, and if I don't get any satisfaction, I'll go right over his head, and I mean right over. I'll go direct to the Hogan Brothers. Well, that might be a little difficult. Oh, yeah? The Hogan Brothers haven't been around since 1910. Oh, yes. Yes, I forgot. Well... Hi, hon. Oh, hello, Leroy. I've been waiting for you. Yeah, here's the baseball glove. Is she going to give you another one? Well, I haven't talked to this young lady about it. I'm taking it up with the manager personally. Is there something wrong with the glove? Yeah, it seems ripped. All the padding came out. It's a no-word glove. It certainly is a no-word glove if all the padding came out. I don't blame you for returning it young man. Do you have the sail clip? I haven't. May I see it? Um... Um? Now, just a minute. Where's the manager? I'm the manager. I want to get to that tough old virgin. You're the manager? Uh-huh. Where's Fearless Fosnick? Yeah, I mean the fellow who used to be here. Oh, that was Mr. Pennyweight. He isn't with us anymore. Oh? He had a nervous breakdown about a year ago when a little man came in here swinging a garden hose. It never mind. Then you really are in charge of complaints. I've been trying to impress that on you for some time. Well, I'm impressed. But... Hurry up. I'll start complaining. No, Leroy, not so fast. You said you wanted to show me how to handle these things. Go ahead and tell her off like you said you would. Leroy. Now, about the gloves, Miss... Miss... Miss McKinley. That's important. Miss McKinley. Oh, for a corn shake. Well, now, Miss McKinley. Why don't you just call me the tough old bird? No, no, Miss McKinley. I'm very sorry about that. There's nothing very old or tough about you. Oh, brother. Come on. Now, get your mind back on the baseball glove. It's obviously a defective glove. If you have the sail slip, we can iron this out very quickly. Well, we're in no hurry. Yeah, I mean, I know these things take time. The sail slip, Mr. Gildersley. Leroy, the sail slip. I thought you had it. Well, I thought I did, too. Must be in one of my pockets. Doesn't seem to be, though. Miss McKinley, would you care to go to lunch with me while I continue the search? Get him. Really, Mr. Gildersley, you've already taken up quite a lot of my time. I have, but Miss McKin... Leroy, what's the idea of coming down here and taking up Miss McKinley's time? What? Sorry, Miss McKinley. It was all our fault. Sorry to have bothered you, but it has been an interesting experience. Oh, thank you. It's been an experience for me, too. Well... Go along, Leroy. Bring your little gloves. But, look, aren't you going to put up an argument? My boy, a gentleman does not argue with a complaint department. What a character! Gildersley, we'll be back in just a minute. You good cooks wouldn't dream of making your favorite cake from that prized recipe and then spoiling the results by frosting it with anything less than your best frosting, would you? And either would you want to fix a luscious salad and use just any salad dressing on it? 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Get a jar of smooth, delicious miracle whip from your grocer tomorrow and enjoy a summer full of the most wonderful salads you've ever tasted. Salads made with the one and only miracle whip salad dressing. This morning, the great Gilda Sleeve insisted that Leroy meet him at Hogan Brothers in return of defective baseball gloves. This was to be a lesson to little Leroy on how to handle such matters. But when the water commissioner met the attractive young woman who manages the complaint department, he had no complaints. There's something about that girl's voice that's hard to forget. I wonder where she lives. And what she does when she's not behind the counter. Well, she wouldn't go to lunch with me. Guess I'll stop in and eat with Pete. Mary, I'm back. It's your auntie. Give me one of your blue plates. Very well. You want any food on the plate? Yes. All right, Pee-Vee, just dish it up. Very well. How did you fare at the complaint department, Mr. Gilda Sleeve? Oh, wonderful, Pee-Vee. That's great. I might say that complaint department is perfect. Well, I take it you've got a good settlement on Leroy's glove. Well, I bought him a new one. Okay. I just didn't want to cause the complaint department any trouble. There's a young lady in charge down there now, Pee-Vee. You don't say. And I don't mind saying she made quite an impression on me. That's not hard for a young lady to do. No, this is different, Pee-Vee. She does something to me when she talks to me in that husky voice. Perhaps she has it cold. Why don't you send her around to the pharmacy? No, it's natural. She probably can't help doing this to me. Here's your plate lunch, Mr. Gilda Sleeve. Yeah, thanks, Pee-Vee. Yeah, I never saw anything prettier. Hmm. Pig knuckles never did much for me. Am I not talking about your lunch? I'm talking about Miss McKinley. McKinley? My father voted for McKinley. What does that have to do with it, Pee-Vee? Well, it's good enough for my father. It's certainly good enough for you. Oh. You're knuckles are getting cold, Mr. Gilda Sleeve. Yeah, I know. But before I eat, I think I'll give Miss McKinley a jingle. I can't get over that voice. She won't think you're being forward, will she? Oh, I won't tell her it's me. I'll just pretend I'm somebody else with a complaint. I'll kid her along a while. I'm good at that. She'll never have the slightest idea who I am. Hogan Brothers. Young lady, will you connect me with the complaint department? One moment, please. Pee-Vee, I may be talking to her quite a while. Keep my lunch warm, will you? Well, one blue plate on the hot plate. I hope she's in. Miss McKinley's speaking. Hmm. You must have got her. Miss McKinley? Yes? I called to register a complaint. What are you complaining about now, Mr. Guildersleeve? Oh. Well, yes. I'm surprised you recognized my voice. And quite flattered that you'd remember me. Oh, you just don't forget some people. Well, thank you. Did you find your sales slip? Your sales slip? No, but I... Miss McKinley, please don't consider me forward. But will you have dinner with me tonight? Oh, thank you, Mr. Guildersleeve. I'm afraid the only way we can see each other is over the complaint counter. Goodbye. What the... All right, George, you hung up on me. Well, I can hang up on her, too. Take that, McKinley. Hey, be careful with that tone, Miss Guildersleeve. I'm sorry, Pee-Vee, but she wouldn't have dinner with me. Well, I still have a half a pot of pig knuckles. Oh. Please don't consider me forward, but will you have dinner with me tonight? The only way I can see Miss McKinley is over the complaint counter. I'll dig up some complaints. Uncle! Hello, Margie. I didn't expect to see you here in the middle of the afternoon. Come on in. You and I can only stay a minute. Well, let me take your hat. Thank you. Margie, have you bought anything at Hogan Brothers recently that you weren't satisfied with? Nothing I can think of, Uncle. You will try to think of something. What'd you buy last? Let me see. Oh, I bought a shirt recently for Bronco. How was it? Did it shrink? Hello, Leroy. Hello, Leroy. Hi, what's up? Margie, did it shrink? It was shrink. I haven't washed it yet. Well, let's wash it. Wash what? Let's find out. Let's check these things. Check what? Well, must you know right away, Auntie? Who does he want to know? What do I want to know? Well, I'd like to, Margie. This is urgent. What's urgent? Leroy, this doesn't concern you. Who does it concern? How about it, Margie? Will you wash it? Well, do you want to call Bronco at the office? Why call Bronco? He's wearing the shirt. Leroy, Auntie wants to find out if the shirt I bought at Hogan Brothers will shrink. Well, if it's so important, why don't you tell Bronco to run down to the Y and jump in the pool? Never mind. I'll dig up my complaints somewhere else. It doesn't seem to be anything defective about this dollar fountain pen I bought. Gildersleeve, why do you keep hanging around Hogan Brothers? Why aren't you at the office? Here I am circling around the complaint desk like a big moose around the lake. It isn't that she's turned my head. This has become a challenge. Say, if I turn my head, I can see her through greeting cards and ladies' old tree. She is pretty. Oh, pardon me. I will not. Good. Sorry I bumped into you. You could hardly avoid bumping into somebody, Gilder. You were wandering around like a candidate who just lost the nomination. All right, Judge. Say, you have packages. Did you buy these things here at Hogan Brothers? Well, I hadn't been shoplifting. Did you check your purchases closely for defects? Defects? Of course not. They're all new. Well, Leroy bought a new glove that was ripped. You have to check these things. And if anything's wrong, I'll gladly take it up with the complaint department for you. Why should you take it up with the complaint department? Don't ask questions, Judge. Let's just open your package. Gilder, get your big paws out of my package. What do we have here? A pair of new suspenders. Now you give them to me. You better be sure they're all right. Let's test the elastic. There's nothing wrong with the elastic. Let's go. You hang on to that end and we'll see. Gilder, stop pulling. They haven't enough stretch, Judge. Oh, yes they have. Watch how they snap back. Oh! Judge, that was a sneaky thing to do. Well, you wouldn't have gotten snapped on the nose if you hadn't been so nosy. Good day! Good day! Uncooperative old goat. Yeah, let's see. What can I go to the complaint desk about? You don't keep much cash around here. See, that's fountain pen I bought. I can make it defective if I just take out the ink cartridge. Yeah, let's see now. Yeah, it slips right off. Yeah, I'll just put this in my pocket and waltz over and make a complaint. Gilder, sleeve your sly. Hey, she's on the phone. Oh, that's perfectly all right, Mrs. Carson. We're happy to make you exchange. Goodbye. Hello, Mrs. McKinley. Oh, you're back again, Mr. Gilder, sleeve. Yes, indeed. And I really have a complaint this time. Oh, I'm glad you were able to find one. Well, it shouldn't be necessary. After all, I'm a prominent man in town, city water commissioner. You use water, don't you? Every day. Well, you're one of my customers. And there's nothing wrong with a water commissioner talking to his customers. Mr. Gilder, sleeve, what do you wish to complain about? In fact, I believe in keeping in close personal touch with my customers. Where do you live, Mrs. McKinley? Is that important? Yeah, I'm just curious to know how the pressure is out there. It could become a problem. Of course, if I had your address, I could drop by and check. Oh, there you are, Gilder. Judge, go away. I'm busy. Now I see why you were pulling my suspenders. Judge, I am here with a legitimate complaint. Aren't I, Mrs. McKinley? Well, you haven't said what it is. Oh, what is this dollar fountain pen I bought? Doesn't seem to have an ink cartridge. Look. Oh, it doesn't, does it? No, it doesn't. Yes. We'll see what can be done about it. Do you have your sales slip, Mr. Gilder, sleeve? Yeah, yes, indeed. I have it right here in my pocket. Here we are. Uh-oh. You dropped something, Yelda. Why, Mr. Gilder, sleeve, it's the missing ink cartridge. Gilder, sleeve, you bungled it again. Leroy, why don't you run on home? I have a lot of work to catch up on. Yeah? I'll admit I was a little carried away by that, Mrs. McKinley. I'll see. She made me feel pretty foolish, and believe me, that isn't going to happen again. Oh, no. As the old saying goes, she isn't the only fish in the sea. See, who's that getting out of that car down there? Nice. Isn't that Mrs. McKinley? It sure is. She's coming in the building. I wonder if she's coming to see me. Are you kidding? Where else could she be doing at City Hall? Paying her taxes? She probably misses my visits to the complaint department. I made a better impression than I thought. If she tries to get out, we'll lock the door. What? Well, you don't want to see her again. Leroy, she's coming down the corridor. Scoot out the side door. Why don't I hide in the broom closet? I want to see what happens. Scoot Leroy, I'll tell you what happens. Ha! Scoot Leroy. Okay. I don't hear footsteps. She's probably looking for my office. Here she comes. Right, George. All I had to do was play hard to get for one day, and she comes to me. Mr. Guilford, please. Well, Mrs. McKinley, come in. I suppose you wonder why I'm here. Oh, no. Yeah. Sit down. Thank you. I hope you don't mind my dropping in like this. You've been by my desk so often, I feel that we aren't exactly strangers. Well, no reason why we should be. Now then, yesterday you wanted my address. Today I'm ready to give it to you. Well, I wish you would. I have an apartment at 523 East Elm. East Elm? Yeah, let me write that here in my book. You'll just leave your dynamite. Now then, Mrs. McKinley, when may I come to see you? The sooner the better. How about tonight? You better come right now. Well, great. There's the leaky water main right in front of my apartment. Oh, my goodness. Mrs. McKinley will be with us again in just 30 seconds. It's just nothing like good potato salad. And there's nothing for good potato salad like miracle whip salad dressing. Just try it. See what a wonderful peppy flavor miracle whip gives that salad. It's a flavor millions of folks call just exactly right. But it's different. A flavor no other salad dressing has. See for yourself how delicious miracle whip is in potato salad and on gelatin salads, fruit salads, and meat and seafood salads too. Get it tomorrow. The one and only miracle whip salad dressing. I wonder which apartment it is hers. By George, there she is up at that window. Musical compositions by Jack Meakin. This is John Easton saying good night at the Craft Foods Company, makers of the famous line of craft quality food products. Be sure to listen in next Wednesday and every Wednesday throughout the summer for the further adventures of the great Gildersleeve. It's in privileges you enjoy as an American citizen. Do you know what you can do to protect those rights and privileges? You can vote in every election. You can take part in civic and school affairs. You can serve gladly on juries. You can respect the rights of others. We Americans have a priceless heritage of freedom. But to preserve our way of life, each and every one of us must be willing to assume the duties of active citizenship. Do your part. Remember, freedom is everybody's job. Tonight, hear the best of Groucho on NBC.