 And the first thing she said to me was like, oh, you look better on my space. Oh, in person? In person. It was not pretty enough to not be that funny. Whoa. But. Wow. I was running from the biggest fear that I had, which is letting someone in and giving someone the possibility to reject me or to her. I don't like to be rejected to the point that when I was younger, I would not approach women. I would not engage in certain activities or try stuff because I didn't want to fail at it. I didn't want to be rejected by my peers. Did you know that rejection piggybacks off of the exact same pathways as physical pain? And that in essence means that when you are hurt, the same area of the brain that gets activated during that time is activated after a rejection. And just like with physical pain, your brain and your body will go through extreme lengths to try to avoid experiencing things that hurt you and hurt us. Now, on one hand, this is great because who likes pain? But on the other hand, because rejection is a part of achieving success, if we try to avoid rejection, we try to avoid our potential. And that is why it is really important to work with a licensed healthcare professional to help us reroute our brain so that we understand not how to avoid rejection, but how to effectively deal with it. And if you know the time is right for you to work with a licensed healthcare professional, I want to suggest for you better help. Better help is a service that you can utilize from your phone to schedule appointments, video calls or to text, a licensed therapist. Better help is available worldwide and best of all, it really is all about you and the relationship you build with your counselor. For example, if you're not feeling the counselor you were assigned, you can change at no cost whatsoever. And speaking of cost, better help is actually more affordable than offline counseling. And you can use financial aid. A happier, mentally healthier, better aligned with your ultimate potential version of you is possible today. And if you believe that and you are ready to get started, then I want to help you do that with 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp. All you have to do is go to betterhelp.com slash booty. That's better, H-E-L-P dot com slash booty. What's up, lovers and friends? Welcome to my YouTube channel with special guests, enjoy the podcast. Hey! I invited you all back because the last video I did with you performed well. Yeah. And I like to feed the algorithm. I sound a little surprised. No, I'm joking. I was very surprised. As long as you perform well, I'll continue to bring you back. The real reason that I wanted you to come back is because we're partnering once again with BetterHelp. And you guys do such an incredible job addressing mental health on your podcast. JD, you are a really big advocate for therapy and a active participant of therapy? Mm-hmm. Client of therapy? I am a very active participant in therapy. Personal therapy, marital therapy, you name it. All them therapies. All them therapies. You know what? This episode is actually inspired by you, Los. Oh! Because I listened to the last episode that you guys had because I am an avid listener of the podcast and you said that you are deeply afraid of rejection. Hate it. Hate it. I know I don't like to be rejected to the point that when I was younger, I would not approach women. I would not engage in certain activities or try stuff because I didn't want to fail at it. I didn't want to be rejected by my peers if I didn't perform up to a certain level or something like that. So I mean, for me, the fear of rejection just means that you're missing out on things in life, on friendships, just life in general. So for me, getting past rejection just helped me enjoy life more. So I want to challenge us today to tell our absolute horror rejection stories. Yeah. I got a pretty bad one. I got a couple pretty bad ones. Yeah? You want to go first? I want to kick us off. Should I kick us off? You need to kick us off. Okay, I'll start off. It's your idea. This is actually the worst rejection I've gotten and it was a job rejection. I've had some, actually I'll tell both. The romantic rejection I got that was a really, really bad one and I got actually in trouble for this on the internet. So in 2012, I was in a not so great relationship and I had lost an opportunity with somebody that in light of the bad relationship became so much greater in my brain. You know what I mean? You know when you're like, you go from something that's like decent to something terrible, you're like that decent thing is like all the heavens open. So in essence, like months had passed since I had not spoken to that person I was in the not so great relationship. Valentine's Day came and I was like, you know what? I just want to reach out and say what's on my heart. Oh, I remember this. And just be like, look, I know that you're going to do your thing. I'm going to do mine. It was, if it wasn't though, because we lived, no it wasn't. Yes it was. We were on different continents. We had both moved on. It wasn't like that. It was more just like, look, I just want to tie up loose ends and say, I know that things didn't end the most clean way but it's Valentine's Day. I thought of you. I think you're an awesome human being. I wish the best for you. And even though we couldn't be together just know that someone out there saw incredible things in you. Stop laughing at us. It is a future. Such a future move. This dude wrote me back though and was like, do not contact me. That was so inappropriate. I am in a relationship back up and it was like a really big ego moment, check moment for me. But I mean, ultimately the person was right. It was probably not even. Curious. I was about to say, when you read that text did it sound like him or what do you think? It was like, babe, who's texting us? It was my ex. I don't know. You replied. It definitely was that option. I don't know. The language was so direct it was genderless. It was genderless language. It was just like, no. Yeah. It might as well just said no. I don't believe it was him. I'm gonna go on record and say it was probably. Probably was. Is that because you can't imagine any man rejecting me? Yeah, that's it. No. That's not it. You know what? It's appropriate to draw a boundary and again it was helpful for me because from that point on, there was just no halfway door for communication. I knew exactly where I stood with that person. It was actually really helpful. It hurt, but it was helpful. Do not call me. Do not contact me. I was so inappropriate of you. It's Valentine's Day. I'm with my girlfriend. It's almost like you Googled the response. Yeah, right? I'm gonna say this. Google's often right. Copy and paste. Ex-boyfriend, if you're out there, let us know. Was it you? Or was it your girl, man? Oh, true. We just wanna know. We're gonna get to the bottom of this. Inquiring minds wanna know. One time I got rejected. This was back in the MySpace days. Oh, shit. And I had a fly MySpace. I'm not gonna lie to y'all. What was your song? Top eight were pretty good. I think I had Bartender as my song. Oh, my God. Is this a fuck point of a center? That's the fuck point. Is it not? No. Bartender? No, the fire song. What is Bartender? It was a good song. Can you guys see it? I don't know about great. Bartender. Oh. Look at that man. Ah, with her. Is that when you were bartending? No, I wasn't old enough to bartend at the time. But yeah, so I met a girl. Oh, she's still going. I was still in my bar. Go ahead. I met a girl on MySpace who lived in the same city. She just went to a different school. And so we were messaging. We wanted to meet her. Or in high school. This is high school, yeah. Make it ain't no shit about no bartender. Anyway. So, you know, we were messaging. I want to link up. So we linked up. And the first thing she said to me was like, oh, you look better on MySpace. In person? In person. To your face? The first thing she said. Oh, wow. Exactly. I would have hit the wrong one for sure. It was exactly that. I remember I just felt so shitty inside. Like, I just left. Like, I was like, oh. And then we ended it real quickly. We had like a little small talk. He took your ball and went home. Yes, bro. I mean, what else are you supposed to do at that point? She don't want to play with your ball. You better eat. Wait, wait, where's your picture? Where's your picture? I was just standing on stairs. I don't know. I didn't understand. You know what? Because I was going to say, that's kind of like pre-filter days, because in all honesty, that is something that I think some people need to hear today. Right. I worked on a show. And we always had a casting sheet of people. And I can't tell you how many times I would go out and be like, are the guests here yet? And they'd be like, I'm right in front of you. And then you're like, one of these things doesn't belong. Come on now. Yeah. How we started. Are we just not going to talk about it? How it's going. Which is tough, but it's a good reminder to be like, no, your authentic self is the best. Because that way, when people see you, it's a pleasant surprise on the other way around. Yeah. What was the lesson then from that? For me, I was just taking worse pictures. Something like come up like. Pleasantly surprised. Make weird faces on yourself. I have no idea what happened with that. But I do know that I took that. And every picture that I took, I always would look at it and then look in the mirror and be like, is this like, is this true representation of who I am? So what about you guys? You guys have been rejected before? I know JD's going to say I've never been rejected. I am a model. I have been rejected. Funny enough, because of modeling, I keep rejected all the time. So I guess I became numb to rejection because in my line of business, out of 10 jobs, if I can book three out of the 10, that's a win for me. But I have actually been more so the rejecter in relationships. But I can't see your face reaction, but I'm sure. He's done it on this podcast. We've already had a rejection story from JD. I rejected this sex. I rejected the sex. But we were friends. Yeah, but you rejected the sex. You flew somebody out and then they wanted to engage with you sexually. In coitus. And then you said no, thank you. She showed up looking different than her picture. Hashtag Jared. Jared over here. So she pulled a Jared on him. She pulled a Jared on him. So you look better in your pictures. But I was respectful. And I was like, look, but we were vibing. Like it was super when we always revived me via text or whatever. So I gave her a tour of Chicago. We hung out. We were friends for a long time. Yeah. It was all good. Said no to good to say yes to great. That's fair, though, because it's like we vibed as friends. But in order for me to feel a sexual attraction for you, there has to be that chemistry. And that isn't existing. And so it's actually the more responsible thing to do. Which is crazy, because it's kind of cringy to hear the story when you first hear it. But then you recognize that on the flip side of it is that you had sex with her because it was just more comfortable. And then you never spoke to her again. Yeah, that's worse. That would have been me for sure. I go for that. I would have done that. And if you flew it, then why would you? I would have spoke to her, though. I would have spoke. No, no, no. What do you mean? I'd say I would have. I wouldn't have not spoke to her. You would have had sex with a person just because it. I would have had sex with her, yeah. But yeah. Because you wanted to or? Because she's there. And you know, she flew out. I would have felt bad to say I would have. Zoom in on Lois right now. So, Shane, let me ask you this. When you got the rejection, you got the email, did you feel that you were able to learn from that, from the way he received or the way he delivered his rejection? I can't remember the time if I was able to take that and transform it into like a valuable lesson. Or if my ego got involved and I was just like, this guy's an asshole. Yeah. But I know long term now, I definitely recognize boundaries. And I recognize that Valentine's Day, it's just for lovers. Yeah. It's for lovers. And it's for you too. It's for the people that you're seeing. And other than that, I mean, I talk about love and sex for a living. And so I often use Valentine's Day to reflect on love and sex. And so I might write things on my own platform or on my own YouTube channel, but I would never reach out to somebody else. Not on their birthday, not on Valentine's Day. If I felt it was appropriate, if I had some reasons. Not on holidays. Holidays are for people who are connected. It's not for us, OK? Do you want to share the professional rejection story? Oh, I'll quickly share that one. Yeah. In essence, you get rejected from jobs, but you often don't know why. But your agents and managers do. So I was auditioning for BET for a comedy position. Don't ask. It was when I first came to America, I was very poor. I was like, anything possible that I can do. No, in our country. BET is the reason I came to America. They helped to sponsor my original work visa. So they had an opportunity. It was after 106 in Park closed. They had a show called The Experiment. So anyhow, I was auditioning as a comedian for it. And I knew in the audition, I was like, this is not. This ain't it. This ain't it. And so anyhow, my agent forwarded me an email. It was like, they don't need you for the call back tomorrow, don't worry. But instead of sending me a fresh email, they forwarded me the rejection. Not funny. Not even not funny. It was not pretty enough to not be that funny. Whoa. But where's the lie? BET, that's unprofessional. It wasn't BET as a whole. It was whoever the producer, which I usually outsourced. And then they don't think that I'm going to see that. It's not a professional of my agent, too, to like send that kind of. That's a weird ass. No, that's not cool. That's weird. Look at Jay standing up for this one. No, but that's really disrespectful. That's a weird thing to say. It's rough, but I was going to say, I don't think it's that in that world. You're not pretty enough to not be that funny. Well, it wasn't addressed to her. It wasn't addressed to me. And I don't know their relationship. Even if you're addressing the agent. That's perfectly OK, I'd say. Really? I would say that. Well, especially if they have a relationship, or maybe they said, and then I knew at the time my agent did have other talent auditioning for that role. So they probably were like, good for this person, not this person. They can say that. They can say, they can say, well, no, no, here's the thing. They can say not funny enough. They don't have to say, you're not pretty enough to not be that funny. It's basically, if you're the agent and I'm the production guy, I'm basically saying like, yo, if you're going to send me somebody that's not funny, make sure they're hotter than that. I mean, if I'm the agent, I'm like, OK, good. Well, now I know I can't send this person. That sounds crazy to me. Maybe it's just me. I agree. No, I'm not saying it's a nice thing to say. It's definitely fucked. But I don't think it's that out of pocket for that world. Yeah, like, no. You know what? It was helpful for me, though, too, because at that time, I wanted to talk about sex and nothing else. But because my agent was like, well, there's not a lot of sex auditions. So we're going to send you out for a lot of stuff. And that was my moment, actually, to be like, I don't think that you understand what my brand and my direction is. I don't think you have access to the kind of jobs that I want. You get the general jobs. I need niche jobs. It actually led me to wanting to leave my agent. And then I partnered with Adam, actually, who is still my manager to this day. Everybody who I actually left that agent for, I'm still with to this day. Because I was so clear on what my brand was, because I knew very clear what it was not going to be. If you're out there and you're dealing with rejection and you're trying to figure out how to process this, we got something for you. Better help. You're being such a good husband. I just want to make out with you so bad. It's great. It's awesome. Make out right now. That can be part of the podcast. You got your own camera. Rejection hurts, but it can help. Yes. How? The one thing that makes me cry to this day is music. Music makes me cry all the time. And I remember I just went through a rejection through music, and it wasn't like from somebody. When you say music, you're talking about your musical career. My musical career. Just for clarity. You're like Eminem now. I heard a new Eminem record, and it brought, you better lose yourself. No, but when my career, I remember getting to a place. It was like 2018. And I was putting out music. It wasn't going anywhere. I would make plans. I would hire a videographer. He wouldn't show up. Like it kept disappointing me over and over and over again. And so that big rejection you had where that dude left your performance. Oh, yeah. Which is fascinating, though, because I don't think that you recognized that you could have done better until that happened. Yes, yeah. Because the truth is. The crowd loved it. And you didn't prepare that much. And I didn't prepare that much. So I think it was a good lesson for you. Oh, it was huge. It was huge. And I learned a lot from that, but I remember going into a ball. Like the next day I woke up just depressed as fuck. Like just hurting like my whole, I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to do anything. It took you like two, three months before you could perform again. Anything at all that had anything to do with music. I remember after that performance, like kind of wondering, like, what is that? Is that it? Is that it? Well, no, because you rented out rehearsal space. Like what's the leader? The week later, I went and I rented out a rehearsal space. And I just started going hammer. The next performance I did, I fucking murdered it. Yes. Which one was the next one? MGK was there. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. That was a good one. And then Youngblood walked in, and they're like, you killed it, Mike. That was bloody awesome. Yeah, he sounds just like that. But what I really want to say is that I remember the next day I'm having a conversation with you. And I was like, I remember just being like, I hate this feeling. I don't want to do music anymore because nothing in the world makes me feel like this ever. And you were like, look, this is what you love. This is what Shan said. She was like, this is what you love. You are going to have to get used to rejection. You are going to have to go through this feeling over and over and over and over again. Because this is your passion. And the good thing about it is because if it can bring you that low, it can also take you that high. So I had to just get to that, like pull up myself up by my bootstraps and just be like, I'm going to take this on the chin. What can I learn from this? And that was the only way that I could cope with the rejection. I was the one who was in control of the exit door of the strategy. So I had fear of intimacy, not just sexually, but just fear of letting someone get close to me. Because the closest ones to you or the thing that you care the most about can hurt you the most. I was running from the biggest fear that I had, which is letting someone in and giving someone the possibility to reject me or to hurt me. Yes. Can we talk about that? That it's so much easier. When you're one foot in, one foot out, and then you leave, then you can always go back to in your mind, like, oh, well, if I would have put both feet in, I would have succeeded. But the truth is, you may not have. We know a lot of people like that. Or you might have put both feet in and got knee capped. Right. That's what I asked, took up out the game. I would have went pro, but you know what I'm saying. I'm only 5'5", but you know. We would have won the table. Coach didn't put me in on that last play. You know what I mean? Like, all four quarters, he didn't want to put me in. The whole year, he didn't let me play one game, man. If I played one game, we would have won. And I told him. I told him. What would you learn, bro? I'd say just for me, rejection just offers clarity. You know, it gives you a chance to kind of just play Monday morning quarterback. You know, you get to watch the film, get to look back and say, OK, this work, this didn't work. What could I, like, you know, like, everybody's just saying, like, what can I have done different? What could maybe I've done better? Where did I not set myself up to succeed? Where did I set myself up to succeed? Like, rejection can show you, it's not necessarily just to see what you did wrong. It's to see what you did right as well. It's a chance to take in, you know, both sides of the coin. So, for me, I would say, you know, rejection just kind of gives you that space for clarity. You know what's fascinating is we actually started to, like, take away your breath. You really won't, like, wound up there. You did take his breath away. Yeah, I took it away. Again, another one. Another one. On Who Can Relate, which I was a guest on, we were talking about the mirror effect. And Robert Greene basically said that without a physical mirror, we would create so many physical faux pas because we can't see ourselves. As much as you ever have those days where you feel like you look really good and then you finally see your reflection, you were like, God damn it, like, all day, no? You don't ever have a day you thought your curls were popping. Or you show up to a date and someone says you don't look like your photo. You act like you look like the diet version of Jared. Who is this? Who's this generic, oh man. But it's through the mirror that you can actually see parts of yourself that you can't intuitively sense. And what we don't have is a mirror for the inside, where we can actually see how we come across the other people. And that's where a lot of people do need help. And that could be a partner. It could be your audience because y'all are so honest. But it could also really be best-serviced through a licensed healthcare professional, a licensed mental healthcare professional, like a therapist. And if that does interest you, I strongly suggest that you try better help. And you liked that, did you? That was good. I didn't even see that coming. You just walked right into there. Well, listen. How would my hand in walking me right through there? Can I take you to the finish line? Please. Thank you for watching this video. Now, if you know in your heart and in your head that the time is right for you to get linked up with a licensed professional therapist, then I wanna suggest to you better help. And furthermore, I want to applaud you for that by giving you 10% off your first month of therapy when you go to betterhelp.com slash booty.