 Hello there, my beautiful internet friends. Welcome back to my channel. Thank you for joining me here tonight for something that I don't know how to put into words But I'm gonna start talking and hope that the words happen. I don't think I know how to deal with life full-time. If I look back over the last 15, 16, 17 years of my life, there's always been some significant thing happening or about to happen. It's either been surgeries upon surgeries for my ankle or It's been trauma or it's been my house burning down or it's been something, right? Like there's always been some major thing that I have to struggle against that I have to fight against that I have to get through. I know how to survive. I know how to make it through really hard things That is an acquired skill that I think any human can acquire through rough stuff I know how to get through when there are like bombs exploding in my life I don't think I've ever learned how to get through my life when there aren't things that are Blowing up. For the past few months Things have been moving in a good direction. Hi there editing Joe here from the kind of light of morning. This video, the one you're watching was recorded about 10 o'clock last night After a really long day. I don't think I was very clear about something. I use the term normal life and normal here a couple times I just want to go ahead and acknowledge the fact that we are not living in a normal time There is so much going on in my country. There's so much going on in the world. We're in the middle of a pandemic They're very serious social issues being addressed. There's a lot going on and I am certainly not unaware of that What I'm talking about in this video is really just my own physical personal Experience I'm talking about the fact that I'm not having to have more of my body cut off another month I'm talking about the fact that no one's attacked me recently like that's that's what I'm discussing I'm not suggesting that what we are living in right now is normal or that I'm unaware that it's a bizarre world out there And we're all struggling. I've gotten off of all of my pain medications for the first time in a decade I haven't had any surgeries in almost a year like it's really cool I'm moving forward with stuff in my life and I am so uncomfortable With all of it. I don't know what to do with myself. I Frankly being completely honest with you. I don't think I've ever learned to live I don't even know what to call it like in quiet or in just mundane normal day-to-day stuff And it's something I've wanted for a really long time. So please don't get me wrong thinking that I'm like complaining about this I'm not but I don't know how to do it Let's talk about surgeries as a as a for instance I have had many surgeries since the time that I was 13 not just on my ankle I've had surgeries on my wrist. I've had heart surgery. I've had knee surgery I've had a lot of things cut into me and then sewed back together when you have surgery you have forced time off from life You have a period of time where you have to rest where you have to take care of yourself Otherwise, you're not gonna heal right and when you are recovering from surgery People don't expect things from you and you're allowed for a moment not to expect anything from yourself as horrible as it is To live surgery to surgery so horrible that I decided to have a limb removed because otherwise I would be living surgery to surgery and not wanting to live that life period like at all Even though that's awful. I find myself in some moments like right now missing two things first of all Missing something to focus on and struggle against that isn't myself and time that I have to rest I don't know how to do those things without being forced to do them I don't know how to take care of myself in normal life I don't know how to attend to my mental health when I'm not actively recovering from really big things I've not developed skills since I was a kid at 13 To just live life. I've always had some big Struggle something significant right something that I didn't choose something that I didn't want any part of It's something that I had to get through and now in this particular moment in this moment of quiet in this Resting period. I don't have that things are fairly stable. There are ups and there are downs Believe me, but I'm not fighting to keep my leg And I'm not fighting to adjust the immediate aftermath of losing a leg I am a number of years out from the last really traumatic thing that happened to me Relationships in my life are okay And I find it this weird kind of agonizing because I'm like, what do what do I do then? What do I do with myself if I'm not fighting to survive if I'm not fighting to wait like to get through every moment of every day and like Work towards some big goal and fight all the demons and like I don't know how to just be I don't know how to just exist and I think for those of us who have grown up on trauma and or Really difficult things with our bodies which often can be trauma as well I don't know how well we do Naturally with normal life and again, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I think it's a really good thing I'm just saying that I don't know how to live when things aren't imploding around me It feels so uncomfortable It feels Foreign and wrong and I feel like I'm constantly failing because I'm not struggling really hard I know how messed up and backwards that sounds I don't know how to like rest and take care of myself like a normal person When I'm not being forced to do it because I had surgery and now I actually have to stop going I don't know how to set boundaries in my Personal self for what I'm capable of and what I'm not capable of because that has always been dictated not always But for the most part it's been dictated by external circumstances, right? I feel like all of the things that have happened specifically with my body with surgeries I've used to pace my life like they had to happen. It sucked, but I knew I could get through it I knew I'd figure out a way I knew that I would have two weeks where I didn't have to do Jackshit where people didn't expect things of me where I could just freaking Breathe and I think that's the only time. I really learned to breathe. That's the only time. I really let myself be I don't know how to deal with like the expectations of normalcy I don't want to live my life always striving always Struggling always surviving and never like thriving, but I also feel really lost. Yeah, like I have goals I'm working towards but in my head. I'm like well that stuff doesn't really matter like your goals in your dreams Don't really matter. What are you fighting? What are you trying to frickin survive through nothing? Oh, you must be you must be really failing then you must be pretty worthless then I think that I have been granted for this moment a time where things are quiet around me, and I'm very uncomfortable in quiet I'm very uncomfortable in silence, and that's not a good thing. That's something that I'd very much like to work on I don't know how to live a life where the backdrop isn't emotional or physical Explosions that are so detrimental and painful, but I'd find a way through like I feel like perseverance through The mundane is not a skill. I've acquired yet. I have acquired a lot of perseverance and resilience for big things for hard things I don't know how to be comfortable when I'm not super uncomfortable. That's not to say I am comfortable It's just like I'm very actively still figuring things out and recovering and working to get my mental health where I'd like it to be But there are no Monsters or if you're a gamer, which I'm not I don't have some big boss. I'm going up against right now It's just me and it's just life and it's just weird. It's really weird. I feel like I am more adjusted to chaos Than I am to the eye of the storm How do I get up in the morning and have a morning routine and exercise and take time for myself and do a good job with my job and Do a good job with YouTube, which I love and like pursue goals and hobbies and like all of that I feel so incapable of that stuff. I'm capable of it when I'm forced into it I'm capable of things when I have no other real choice and the choice is either mentally or physically die or Figure out a way to frickin persevere and I have always figured out a way through and I know that I will through this too But it's a weird place to find myself in and I just really need to clearly state in this video I am not wishing for things to explode. I am so grateful that they are not I cannot tell you how thankful I am I'm able to walk right now that I'm not facing any more surgeries that I have not recently experienced any Emotional or physical trauma in my life where I have the chance to process I have the chance to recalibrate I guess to find what normal looks like like I'm so grateful for that But I also don't know what to do with it. I also feel like it's not What's for me? Like that's not my life. My life isn't this stuff My life is fighting against what I feel like are insurmountable odds and finding a way through right? And I'm I'm proud of myself that I found a way through really hard things, but I haven't a clue How to just enjoy life and live it. Do you find yourself feeling this way? Are you in the eye of a hurricane? Are you far away from a hurricane? Does none of this make any sense? Do you get it? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. I read every comment I do not have a chance to respond, but I appreciate your words more than I can tell you I appreciate every single person who shares a piece of their life or their story or their heart or their thoughts I'm unbelievably grateful for you guys being here Sometimes I really don't understand why anyone would care, but I know that many of you do and you have my Eternal gratitude. Thank you for being here and spending a few minutes out of your day here with me today Listening to me talk. You could be anywhere in the world doing anything Anywhere in the world doing anything and you chose to hang out with me for a few minutes. So Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you guys I'll find a way through this as you will find a way through what you are facing I'm thinking of you guys and I'll see you in the next video