 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed. A year ago when Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, in America is a big business. Magazines. Wonderful thing about American magazines. They're full of advertisements. And the advertisements I like the most are the ones that tell you how to make a lot of money easily. They say, become rich overnight. Grow mushrooms in yourself. Become rich overnight. Make India the be the ring. Become rich overnight. Learn to meet the cutting in your own living room. Mama Mia, if I could only stay up for three nights, I'd make a fortune. But it's another advertisement that says to make a hundred dollars a week, become a secretary stenographer. Then I read them all and I see it's no good for me. It's only for somebody who's got a short hand. These things sound very good to Mama Mia, but if you're not as smart, like your Luigi, it's possible to get food. Like one advertisement I see that says, we pay you big money, right to box a twenty-two. Mama Mia, how can this company have money if they got office in a box? The most foolish advertisement I see is the one that says, we give you pants one a third off. Mama Mia, isn't that a stupid? How am I going to look at walking in a straight to where my pants are one third off? All the stories I've said that say, learn about your telephone company. Mama Mia is a plenty to learn. This morning I'm a receiver builder from a phone company that's been charging me for longer distance calls to California that I'm a never make. I always have tried to conduct the business honest, so this is a worry me very much. So I go to my night school to teach him his folding and maybe she can explain what. Call the roll, back go. I'm a hip. Harwitz. Yeah. Olsen. Oh, I'm hip. Schultz. Schultz, you're here aren't you? Yeah, but I'm not squealing. Oh, I should be a sensation in television. Mr. Schultz, please, you are very funny and it is not necessary to dip your finger in the ink well. Now class, our lesson for today is English. What is it, Mr. Basko? Why are you raising your hand? Mr. Farthing, I got a problem. Today I'm a receiver telephone bill with a charge for call to California I never make. Well, Mr. Basko, I'll help you with your phone problem later. If you don't mind staying after class with me. Well, I'm... And show some Saturday. I'm a glad to stay, Miss Farthing. Luigi is the DJ's pet. Now class, class. I enjoy a good laugh as well as anyone, but we must get on to our study. Now for our English lesson. Now who will volunteer to conjugate the verb to C? Well, who will volunteer? No volunteers? Looks like somebody is going to have to be drafted. Well, I'll have to call on somebody. Mr. Olson. All right. I volunteer. I call you with the verb to C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. Mr. Schultz, you are disrupting the class. Now let me hear you conjugate C. I see you see he see she sees we see you see they see. Schultz, that's good. Good, that's perfect. Yes, it is, it's bad. To tell you the truth was a lucky guess. All right, all right. Now who will conjugate the verb using a subject? Like Mary. Mr. Spaulding, I try. Go ahead, Mr. Basko. I see Mary, you see Mary, he sees Mary, she sees Mary, we see Mary, you see Mary, they see Mary. Mary should pull down her window shades. Mr. Schultz, please. That was very good, Mr. Basko. Now, could you conjugate a verb of your own? Sure. I take a verb to pay. Fine. You pay telephone to company? He pay telephone to company. Now wait a minute, you left out I pay telephone to company. I'm going to pay, I never met telephone to telephone. Well, I can see we'll have to settle that problem now. Now, Mr. Basko, why don't you go down to the phone company and explain things to them? They're very fair and if they're wrong, you won't have to pay. I don't have to pay. Thank you, Mr. Spaulding. Wait, wait, wait for me. You walk so fast. Look, look at me, my tongue is hanging out like a cooker spanier. Luigi, my friend, I got to talk to you. What's the matter, Schultz? Don't go to the phone company. Why not? A terrible thing happened to my cousin Hugo. You know, he once got a big telephone bill. He tried to argue with the telephone company. He got them mad and they made him pay it anyway. They made him pay? Yeah, yeah, but for the last ten years, he's been getting even with them. How? Every time the telephone rings, he don't answer. But Schultz, if I don't go to the telephone company, what am I going to do? Luigi, in my head, an idea just pooped. Why don't you go to your friend, Alderman Schultz? Let him investigate it for you. That's the right, Schultz. All the men at Johnson, he's all the way to try to help him. I got him a right to now. Thanks, Schultz. Goodbye. Goodbye, Luigi. And remember, smile. What if you do get into trouble with the telephone company? What can they do? Can they hang you? Can they shoot you? Can they throw you in shale? Schultz the candy? How should I know? Am I a lawyer? Hello, Mr. Alderman at Johnson. You remember me? Why, of course. You're the serviceman. It's my colleague in the Saltwater Service. You certainly took your time coming. But I'm not the... No, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me. I know every voter in my district. You're the... Well, don't stand there. Give me a hint. You ever hear of a Luigi Bosco? I certainly, certainly. Great friend of mine. Nothing he wouldn't do for me. I broke my heart the day he left for France. I'm a Luigi Bosco. Oh. Well, how was the trip? I never went there. Mr. Alderman at Johnson, you know me. I'm a Luigi Bosco. I own a ticket shop on Halstead Street. Oh, certainly, certainly. Oh, Mr. Bosco, what did you want to see me about? It's about telephone bills. This morning, it says, I'm a make-a-long-a-distance call to California. And I'm a never-make-it. I see. And you don't want to pay the telephone payment. Oh, don't say that. I'm always a try-to-be-good American. I'm obey every law. Sign in the street to say, speed the limit 25 miles an hour. I'm a never walker faster than a 25-hour. Sign in a zoo. Say, don't defeat the monkey prenuts. I'm a never feed the monkey prenuts. I give them popcorn. Signers all over say, not trespassing. Believe me, Mr. Alderman. I'm a hero one a year, and I'm a never-passing-a-trend. Bosco, I know your problem. Now, you think the phone company's made an error, and you're a little afraid of it. That's right, Mr. Alderman. The phone company's so big, and, look, Luigi Bosco here is so lit. Why, Bosco, you're as big as the telephone company. It's because the little people run America. Now you don't have to worry about a thing. I take care of all my voters. I'll get on the phone right now and straighten it out for you. Give me your bill, Bosco. I only deal with the people on top. Hello, operator? Let me talk to the president. Just tell him I told him in Johnson. All right? All right, then give me the vice president. Well, how about the district supervisor? I see. Is the cheap operator in? No. Well, who? All right, give me that party. Hello. Information. Who do I speak to about paying a bill? Mr. Alderman, maybe it's too much a travel for you. No, no, no. You leave it to me, Bosco. Hello, complicate the problem? This is Alderman Johnson. I'm talking for a constituent of mine. What do you mean by charging him for a long distance call he never made? You got your nerve? What? It's Luigi Bosco. Sedgwick 3, 9, 8, 9, 5. Yeah? Yeah? All right. Well, Bosco, you'll never have any trouble with the company again. I won't. I'll see you tomorrow. Hello, Luigi. Hello, hello. Hello, Pascuale. That's my little Luigi. Why are you so sad, my little man? You look like a little puppy with his tail in between his ears. Pascuale is a long story. This morning, I'm going to receive a wrong a bill from Telephone Company. I asked Mr. Spaulding, she's a say, go to company. She'll, she's a say, go to Alderman. I go to Alderman and here's the make even worse. She'll go to everybody but you best a friend of Pascuale and what's to happen? Nothing. Why are you running around like a crazy little squalor looking for food when all the time you could have come straight to the nut? You're so right, Pascuale. Nobody's a bigger nut than you. That's the funny thing, when I'm a say it, it just sounded different. Pascuale, I'm in trouble and I'm coming to ask you for further. Phone a company is going to take a phone out of my store tomorrow. Luigi, why you have it to worry when you've got a good friend like Pascuale who's bringing you from all the country? You don't need a telephone or you can use a mine. Is there no trouble of Pascuale? What a trouble, it's a pleasure. Every time there's a phone a ring, I call you. Thank you, Pascuale. You're real a friend. Sure. Now I do you a favor with a ring. You do me a favor with a ring. Pascuale, what's the favor I can do you with a ring? Slip it out of my daughter Rose's finger. No, no, Pascuale. I'm not going to play a ring around the rose. It's a no use, Pascuale. Rose is a nice girl, lovely girl. But she's a too fat for me. Luigi, you call it 250 pounds of fat there. What do you call it? I ask you first. Pascuale, we're just the waste time of talking. I'm not going to marry Rose. All right, you big, stupid fool. Just because of a little thing like a marrying my Rose, you're going to lose your telephone. Pascuale, I'm not going to need your help. Maybe it's better I go myself at the telephone company and find out why they charge me for this to call to California. California? Wait, Luigi, don't be so impatient. I changed my mind. I'm going to help you. Then you're not angry with me, Pascuale? No. Hey, Luigi, you give me telephone a day to go take a walk and I'm going to fix everything I put up with the phone at the company. Pascuale, why do you do this? Because you're Pascuale. You love me, like a... Don't say it. All right. You go for a walk, Luigi, my friend. I'm your countryman. I'm going to take care of everything. Thank you, Pascuale. You're welcome, Luigi. Hello? Operator? Give me the Chief of Supervisor. Hello, Chief of Supervisor? This is a very good friend of Luigi Bosco, 21 North, the whole state of the street. Telephone number said you were at 39895. I'm understanding you want to take out of his telephone next week. I think it's very bad of you to take a man's business away. He's a bread and a butter. Huh? What's a Bosco's business? He's a bookie. And now for the second act of Luigi Bosco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so Mamma Mia is a big trouble with me. I don't know what the Pascuale's a do to helping me with a telephone company. All I know is this morning, a man has come in asking me to put two dollars on a nose. Soon as I'm going to put it under my nose, he's a disconnected telephone. And the Mamma Mia, when a man has to lose his a telephone, is a no use talking. Anyway, I'm a sitting in my store wondering what I should do next, when I suddenly open up a door and a bigger window comes in. Luigi, my friend! Hello, Luigi, hello, hello. Hello, Pascuale. Luigi, you mind if I may use your telephone to thank you? Hello, Operator? Operator. Hey, Luigi, you got a funny kind of operator. She's a no talk. Must be Johnny Belinda. Pascuale, the phone company is a disconnect to my phone. What? After I must say such a good things about you? Pascuale, just what is it that you say about me? Well, I'm appraising you, Luigi. I'ma tell him that Luigi is a man who knows his oath. Also, he's got a very stable character. Well, thank you, Pascuale, but it's a very strange to me. I'm not going to understand what's happening between a me and a phone company. Hello, Luigi. Hello, Pascuale. Hello, Schultz. Hello, Schultz. Luigi, how you make it out with the telephone company? Schultz, I'ma got lots of trouble. My phone died. Smile, Luigi. If you ever want to get a message to California, I'm going to lend you a carry-on pigeon. My heart, Alec, a delicatessen, a man of Schultz. I was a little bit like a pigeon. I'm going to carry Luigi to California. A carry-on pigeon bug! What's going on, you, Schultz? You don't know what he's talking about. Oh, my, well, my, Schultz. Yes, and a Schultz and a Pascuale. No fight. No fight. I'm in the top. Why don't you go straight to the telephone company, tell them your story, and let them straighten out the whole thing. Down the goal, Luigi. Go. Down the goal. Go. Down the goal. How do you like it that? They went. Bell Telephone Company. Mama, me is a bigger building. Oh, here's a sign on the side of the building. It says, uh, Bell Telephone Company has stabbed 1878. What a Mr. Bell, he was stabbed in 1878. No. No, I'm a must-to-be wrong. Estab 818 to 78. That's the telephone number. Well, Luigi Pascuna, don't be so nervous. I called him and he said, America is on the side of a little man, and I'm a little man. Well, I'm going aside and find out what sort of telephone he's going to call to California. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I'm coming here about to call to California. This is a Bell Telephone Company, no? Yes. I'm a like to speak to Mr. Bell. All right, I wait. That's not the nice. A man has spent his whole life inventing telephone. Now he's a get-of-five. Company, but he's dead. Oh. Then maybe I speak to Mrs. Bell. Mr. Bell is not here. Mrs. Bell is not here. Who's a watcher of the business? Questions. Why don't you go see the head operator? Head operator? Yes. Thank you, ladies. Mamma Mia, I'm learning something every day. Just now, I find out there's two kinds of operators. With the head and without the head. Thank you, Mr. Basko. The company is actually owned by five million shareholders. Five million? That's right. And when the profits are added up, they divide every nickel. Mamma Mia. When they get through with that nickel, it must be in a terrible shape. Mr. Basko, for two and a half hours, I've tried to explain. I've... I've... Mr. Basko, why don't you go see a vice president? It's unprecedented. You disrupted our entire organization. I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President. But do you think it's nice for Chicago Telephone Company to be mad at me? Even when two people are mad. They talk once in a while. All right, there you go. Ring my phone no more. At the least, maybe once a day you should have given me a little pinco. Mr. Basko, the telephone company is not angry with you. Then why the telephone company is this connected to my phone? Just because I'm a never-making call to California. Mr. Basko, really, you must have made that call. Our company never makes a mistake. Now, do you realize what happens every time you pick up your phone? A thin plate of soft iron called a diaphragm vibrates to your soundway. Now, this, in turn, affects a tiny man and is electrically transmitting causing the diaphragm to vibrate. Then what do you think happens when the two metallic contacts are made? No, no. Charlie Operator says it applies at another 5 cents. An automatic record is immediately stamped on a card bearing your phone number. Now, Mr. Basko, we never make mistakes. Then there must be something wrong with the way telephone a company advertises. What do you mean? All the papers is a short picture of a lady with a telephone and if she's the same, sorry, wrong number. Mr. Basko, that is a pic... I know it's a picture, but if you never make a mistake, you should have short picture of a lady and if she's the same, I'm happy to come back. Mr. Basko, listen to me. We are very patient here at the telephone company, but that's our fact. You made this call to California. Therefore, you must pay for it. Now, to prove to you just how right we are and how patient we are, I'll double-check your file. Believe me, sir, I've been a vice president of the telephone company for 20 years. Nothing goes wrong here. I'll now call our filing department. Hello? How do you like that? The phone is dead. You find out about that call to California? Basko, it was the worst day in my life that I ever went there. I'ma make so much trouble that vice-president is to throw me out. Vice-president? Oh, Luigi, that's terrible. Why? Vice-president is a very big man in this country. He's gonna report to you. And you know what comes after report? And that's gonna be the story of your life. Four words. Import, to report, to deport, export. Oh, Pusquale, I'ma want so much to stay in America. Help me. I'ma sorry, Luigi. I'ma like very much to help you, but I'ma know the facts. I must have testified in a court against you. But, Pusquale, why you must have testified against me? Oh, it's a big law here that's called habeasicorpus. And even if I'ma know testifier, my Rosa, she's still gonna testify because she's living next door. Pusquale, help me. Is there nothing I can do? Nothing. Wait. I'ma just to remember is another big law. Wife, not gonna testify against the husband. But you're not to my wife, Pusquale. No, but I know it's such a party who's willing to make it a big sacrifice. Who? Welcome home, my son. Hello, Papa. Oh, now I'm happy. Rosa. Rosa. Rosa. Say hello to Luigi. And I'ma hope you live it together happily ever after. You shut up your face. Mr. Basko here. I'ma Luigi Basko. Mr. Basko, I'm from the phone company. We've investigated that California call and we find it was made to the Hollywood matrimonial agency. Hollywood matrimonial agency? It's all right. I'ma gonna pay. Everything's gonna be settled. It's nice to the choir. We investigated this phone call, Mr. Basko, and it seems the conversation was about getting a husband for a certain Rosa. Is he getting the pass to my bed time? Good night, everybody. Say, Papa. Shut up your face. Come with me. You, Pusquale, you use my phone for your recall to California. Mr. Basko, it may interest you to know anyone who uses your phone without your permission is liable to a lawsuit. Pusquale. Yes, my son. Have you a cigar, Pusquale Papa? What's the dream, Mama? Is it really true? Is it your son? Yeah. Yeah, you're a boy, Luigi. You know hearing my voice in more than a year. What? Go ahead, Mama. I don't care what is it cost to go ahead. Go ahead, to cry. Sure, to cry. I think I'm gonna cry, too. How is Uncle Pietro? Oh, good, good. And he's a goat. Oh, he's a goat. He's got the marriage. Uh-huh. Sure. When is Uncle Pietro gonna get the marriage? What? Oh, he's gonna wait and see how it's turned out to be with his goat. No, no, don't worry about the cost it is to call him, Mama. Don't worry. How's Aunt Francesca? Good? Good. And a cousin of Salvador? Oh, that's a fine number of years. Mama, are you sure you feel good? Oh, that's nice. That's so nice. What? Huh? I don't understand. You don't get the marshmallows? Where do you hear about the marshmallows? Oh, you read all about the marshmallow plan. But Mama, Mama Mia, is there somebody here who want to talk to you? So wait a minute. Pasquale, go ahead, Pasquale. Hello, Mama Mia. Goodbye. What? Why does a Pasquale get off with a phone so fast? I'll tell you why, Mama Mia, because he's the painter for this phone call. Next week is the time over most of these stations when Luigi Basko writes another letter to his mama Basko describing his adventures in America. Life with Luigi is a Psi Howard production and is written by Mack Benhoff, Lou Derman and Psi Howard and stars J. Carol Nash. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.