 I also think that men, specifically, because that's who I have sex with, I think men, if they're going for too long and not coming, that is a red flag to me. That is like, okay, it's a drug issue, alcohol issue, or he's getting too much pussy and he's too stimulated. So he's not coming at the normal pace intervals that I feel like shit. This video is brought to you by Squarespace. Create a stunning cohesive brand that works for you where it matters the most. Make your message extremely clear and make your business extremely efficient all with this one singular platform. I use Squarespace for my website. I use it for my mailing list. If I am ever gonna sell merchandise, that's where I would do it. If I was ever gonna have a membership's community, that's who I would do it through. It's a place that where you have ownership, but you don't have to do the heavy lifting in areas that you're not that strong at. For example, when it comes to design, when it comes to SEO management, when it comes to analytics, truly if you are an entrepreneur, if you are a creative, or if you are someone who just likes efficiency and ease when it comes to your business and career, I highly suggest that you check out Squarespace and best of all, when and if you do, you can play around for absolute free. No credit cards required for two weeks, and then if you like what you've built and you like what you see and you wanna continue on, you can actually get 10% off the purchase of a website or a domain with Squarespace by going to squarespace.com slash Shanboody. What's going on lovers and friends? You are about to watch a subjective conversation about what it means to be bad in bed. So before we get into that subjective dialogue, I wanted to offer some objective perspectives. First and foremost, I made this video for people who might suspect that they're not that great in bed. And I wanna tell you something, if that's you, chances are, you're not the problem. You're actually probably pretty exceptional in bed because to me, people who are willing to acknowledge that this is something that is difficult and that there might be areas that are not giving their best or giving themselves their best, those are the people who are likely attentive, curious, open lovers. So congratulations, turn the video off right now if you need to and take a sigh of relief. You are probably excellent in bed. But furthermore, what I really wanna acknowledge is that being good at sex is incredibly hard. And I say this as somebody who has been studying this for over 15 years and a personal story. I have been having sex with my husband for almost 10 years now. We have had sex thousands of times. And let me tell y'all something. About two weeks ago, I realized that this entire time I had been looking at pleasure for him the complete wrong way. Yes, somebody who daily gets up and thinks about this topic and reads about it and talks about it. I was making a cardinal mistake when it came to pleasure in the bedroom. Why? Because good sex is about combating years of messaging, years of imaging, years of conditioning that has not put us in the best position to be what a good lover truly is. Which is authentic in the moment, curious about our partner's experiences, open and furthermore open for correction and for redirection. So the mistake that I was making is that I assumed from watching porn and talking to other people that good sex was about helping your partner come as fast as possible. And a lot of the techniques that I use sexually were designed for that. Like how do I get my partner to orgasm as fast as they possibly can? And the faster the orgasm, the better the sex. And my partner shared with me, they actually don't think that's the case for them. And not so many words. They were like sometimes when I come too quickly I don't actually enjoy it. Or the experience of getting to the orgasm actually is a little bit painful and uncomfortable. So I prefer methods that do take a little bit longer. Which in my brain, the longer you're taking the worse that you actually are. And that was an amazing perspective shift for me. And that is why I also wanna point out again that this conversation you're about to hear in the group chat is truly subjective. These are certain people's interests. Even when it comes to hygiene we might be tempted to say across the board that if you wanna be good and bad make sure you're clean, make sure you smell good, do whatever your body needs to do to be at a space where you either smell neutral or pleasant to your partner whatever that pleasant might mean for them. But I happen to know people whose kink is dirty feet or unwashed buttholes. Yes, that is how far this goes in terms of ranges of experiences. And that is why I go back to the fact that being good at sex is incredibly hard because it is subjective. And not only is it subjective for the other person but even for ourselves. We're making curious to our own needs and our own experiences takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of rework. 80% of good writing is rewriting and 80% of good sex is re-imagining. So with that in mind these are just things to keep in mind maybe just a funny conversation to think about but I just wanna congratulate you for being here because you're already showing that you have what it takes to be fucking phenomenal at fucking. Who here sucks in bed? I think I do. I thought you were gonna say such a shit. That's why I was like. I think that I am not the greatest in bed. Why? I know. I do think I have good pussy. I lay on my back and relax. She's honest. I do. Do you know what I love about this? Because if I asked who here sucks at cooking you'd be like, yeah, I don't really try that hard. I don't like partake. But I feel like there's pressure for everyone to claim that they're great in bed even if they know they don't put the effort in. I definitely like, I think I have privilege in the sense that in my community it was celebrated for me being curvaceous and that is emboldening me to not put forth any extra effort. I literally just lay, sit pretty and enjoy it for what it is and move on. Wow. I wish every dude with a big has what you just had. Self-awareness. Self-awareness. What is this? Move that part. I've never experienced it before. That's amazing. Okay, for everybody else, second question, who here has been with somebody who was bad at sex? I mean, absolutely. What? No, I've been with someone who lasted legitimately 34 seconds. Dang. But I knew if it lasted longer it would have been good. The d*** good. I just wish it would have lasted longer but he didn't suck. That's good. Good for you. Last for you. I feel like with skills, anything could be learned. So if it's a situation where I like the person and it's not really a great connection the first time, I remember with my partner that I'm with now, she said the first time I feel like we went like two hours maybe, two and a half and she was like, I didn't come. And I was like, what? You didn't come? That was some of my best s*** and you didn't come? And then I had to reel it back and talk to it and understand why it was bad for her, why it was a good for her and what I could do to make it better, you know? Let me blast open the myth for men that long sex does not equal good sex. Oh, great. I did it. Thank you. I did it. I have to relearn that. We're down for a good 20 pumps. 20 pumps, make them nice, stroke them nice. But 20, after 20 if you think about it, if you're counting in your head, you don't really need to go beyond that once you're actually in the act of sex. Obviously like the foreplay and the leading up to it, you know, is really what I think is the more important part of it, but the actual act of intercourse. A good 20 pumps. 20 pumps. 20 pumps. I feel like that's not a lot. I'm literally physically trying to make it in my head. Long. You like each side. I hope you like each side. Jason, Jason, do the same thing. What kind of out? Count out the pumps. We'll count it. You do 20, we'll count the seconds. Go. And you know, don't be a quick pumper because that's not what I'm referring to. All right, I'm gonna time. You guys count the pumps. Go. Okay, okay. You need to break up their five? 20. Can you switch up the seconds? No, that is not. That was 20, I counted. I counted. Look at the time. That was 20 pumps. Yeah. That was 20 to 25 seconds. You are wild because 20 pumps is nine for me. That's not a lot. I mean, we could do it again and again, but I feel like the coming should be happening in intervals. I also think that men, specifically, because that's who I have sex with, I think men, if they're going for too long and not coming, that is a red flag to me. Yes. That is like, okay, it's a drug issue, alcohol issue, or he's getting too much and he's too stimulated. So he's not coming at the normal pace intervals that I feel like should be. Listen, maybe this sounds like TMI, but I feel like despite my lack of adventure in the bed, I feel like it's very sexy to have sex with me. And so it's affirming to me when my partner is coming quick when he's f***ing me. I feel like, because he's so into it, he should be ready to come. And if you're not coming, that means... I understand that. But don't you think that that mentality is the mentality that makes a lot of women fake orgasms? I don't fake. No. Right, but like that idea that like come for me like orgasm and it has nothing to do with you, like my body just takes longer. My sensitivity threshold or... My mom. Right. I agree with what you're saying because I had a partner where when he would drink, I'm like, please God, don't let this man f*** me. Because it would take so long to the point, like my pussy hurts, like it's painful. So then it becomes like now I'm in my head because I know it's taking long. And I know it's because of alcohol. All the other times it was normal, it was great. Like I don't mind that it takes you a while what your threshold is, but when it's because there's a stimulant, now it's just like you're going that long because of a drug or because of something else. It's not because of me. So that's the part for me where I'm just like, well it's not really me that you're lasting for, so. Because there are, I do the whiskey d*** thing, right? The numbness of sensitivity, especially antidepressants could be a cause that people have an issue orgasm as well. So red flag I think is kind of a sticky word because some people genuinely, one, can't control it or two, they have to make a hard choice of mental wellness or physical capability. Yeah. I mean I think I'll walk away from sex feeling like it was good when I was completely wet the whole entire duration. And a couple of days later I'm not sore from having been pounded out. I like a little sore in your mind. I feel like a couple days later I shouldn't be sore. Like I feel like when it's really, really good, I should be so wet, like to the point where it's prepared for all of the activity. I think that's again like all the things leading up to the actual act of sex. For me like sex involves like head, you're not going to be head, I'm a head out. Because I'm like. I'm going to switch the topic from good or bad sex to how long should sex take. I think this is way more interesting and this is where we're going with this anyways. This two hour man over here. I don't want to hour with the break. So okay, so maybe what, like you told him about 10, 15 minutes of pumping. Yeah. Maybe 20 minutes of pumping. No, I'm talking about if I'm pumping at least like maybe like 10 minutes going. She said 20 pumps. Not 20 minutes. She said 20 pumps. And then I retracted that because I realized that was not. I'm seeing Jason. Because I've never counted in bed. That was just like 20 pumps to me. I would say between five to 10 minutes. And then you got it. I didn't even see something. Five to 10 minutes. But then, I mean, what about as far as like foreplay like. Jason, I get the impression that you are a half an hour plus person. Yeah, yeah, gotta be at least like 20 minutes. I mean, if you're doing, if you're doing a quickie, I could do a quickie. So I have a question. Is that more so for you or your partner though? So now that's the, that's the thing. Cause you're like, I have to. And I'm like, so is it really the pleasure? So that's the thing. Like I've always wanted to be great at sex. And I like been able to like, you know, study a little bit, learn as you know, from a teenager to a man, like how to be because I know like that's one of those important things in a relationship. Not the only thing, but I know it's important to make your partner come. But at the end of the day, that comes with talking. But some are never going to come from pumping period alone. That's important to note too. I think that's the thing that like, we can't, a lot of women don't know that. Which is crazy to me. Yeah. It is a fascinating thing, but I think it's only because people's experiences, they feel like that's everybody's experience. And so, yeah. And how it's shown in like media. Yeah. Like I don't want to give the message that like, duration is not important for the comes to penetration because for some people who orgasm that way, it is everything. Like duration is very important for me when it comes to oral sex. You can be amazing at it, but if you quit five minutes in. What good is it? Right. Right, right. Nobody's going to say, give me here for five minutes. Nobody's going to say that. They were all hours. And unless just the person does an orgasm from head, then they might say, listen, you could be there for 50 minutes or five. It doesn't matter. The result would be the same. Damn. That sucks. Why? I don't know. I feel like with head, I'm, I love head. I love head. So I'm a person that I got to stop. The girl from giving me head. So, oh, I love getting it. I love getting it. I love getting it. I love eating you too. Like that's like, but it's, it's, it's because to give you gotta, to what to get you got to give, right? Right. So I eat good to get good head. Right. Simple. Have you ever been giving somebody pleasure before whether like you're doing an activity, it's not going to lead you to orgasms. You're giving them head. You're receiving anal or you're getting penetrated. Something that's not going to lead you to orgasm. Is there like, man, well this person just hurry up. Do you ever get that feeling? Yeah. I mean, that's like, you know the Richard Pryor jokes. It's like, y'all is giving head to my jaw was hurting. Like to my girl. I can't even like talking like that. 30 minutes is my cut off. I would say. Cut off. Then it starts to hurt a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think we've all been there. I mean, I've definitely have, you know, been in the position where I really was eager for them to come because I feel like seeing my partner comes makes me like more, you know, into it. And it's times when it's like, again, you know, the red flag in my head. Why is he taking so long to come? So I'll, that'll probably get to try different things, you know, to stimulate him. But I've been in predicaments where, maybe that's what is informing the red flag, but I've been in predicaments where men could not come. I think what's interesting on the note of the duration thing is so much of it is our own internal pressure. Yeah, so true. Where we think we're either taking too long or it's too short rather than leaning into the quality of the experience. As you guys were talking, I was thinking more about my experiences and realizing that maybe, like what is it about me that's maybe brushing this experience, you know what I mean? And I know it's because I'm really into, you know, the intellect of it all. Like that turns me on, the conversation, the build up, you know, the cat and mouse. That's what really turns me on. And I feel like once we get to like, the final showdown, maybe brushing the experience because I feel like maybe it was pent up, maybe it was like- So much pressure. So much pressure. I don't know, but hearing you guys speak makes me think like, is it like I'm all in my head and I'm creating these pressures and creating these unrealistic, we're not unrealistic, but these mismatched expectations based on the cat and mouse that went into it before we got here, you know? I think one thing that you said, Shannon, that really hit for me was when you said, when I got, and I've never noticed it until you said it, is when a man says like, when he's telling me when, like, oh, you're gonna come right now, come, come. And I'm just like, all right, you want me to come? I came then, like, all right, cool. I don't do that anymore, but it's just like, it never occurred to me I have to actually communicate, this is what gets me in my head is when you say X, Y, Z. Because it's not until you said that, as soon as you said, I'm just like, dang, when a man says that, it really does make me feel like I have to hurry up. Yeah, and half the time, I feel like for a lot of women, like having an orgasm is so mental too, I have to be fully relaxed. If I'm like any what, like have any mental issue, I'm like, it's not gonna happen. I have to like completely relax, no pressure, like nothing being said. I've only have been able to come in that. And I do feel like the power dynamic between a man and a woman in that form of sexuality, it comes into play. Because I feel like when I have taken more agency in my sexual experience with a man, it was way more reciprocal for both of us than me just letting a man court me and let go with the flow. And one of the things that I say to men, as part of my flirtatious banter, before we've had sex is like, I'll say something like, I don't know if I'm gonna give you a f***ing seat because I don't know if you deserve it. And like that's a part of like the, you know, the cat and mouse of it. I was like, no, he's coming, he's out, no, he's out. And like building up that kind of like intensity of him wanting to work towards earning the f***ing and me coming kind of, it's the exchange there when I say like, you don't deserve it. And what are you gonna do to get it from me? And like, I've seen in those scenarios when I've said things like that, it's been way more me and the pilot seat towards my ultimate experience versus just being on a receiving end. Right. Have you ever felt like that and like the other way around where it's like, yo, you ain't gonna get this f***ing, you like what? Oh, I have. There was a guy that had me turned out. You were just with a bright when you said it. I was like, yeah. And it's so funny. I learned that banter from him. So he, you know, he turned me out and he like, you know, he knew himself. He knew what he was good at. And he had the full package in every capacity. And this whole video is basically a PSA. It's like, are you aware of that one? I was feeling like the flashback is how it's going to go. Final quick question. How long does good sex take? Like two minutes. Could be two minutes. I think it's like two days. I think it takes days. Takes days? Days. It's the whole buildup. The whole buildup for me. So hours, days, minutes. What do you got here? I'd say like five. I remember I had to show the bus a lot of them like five minutes. Five minutes. Like that was hard. Just like, oh my God, I'm at this work meeting right now. I want to come see you. I used to come through, come see me and that feeling like yo, I'm doing something wrong or I'm getting it in. I don't know about your two hours. I'm confused now. It could be one or the other. Good sex could be two hours if you have that long night. If I take you out to dinner or whatever like that, then we going home and doing a damn thing after a great night. But if you got to go to work or if you like, yo, I don't really got the time like that. Like, yo, I need it right now. You can make it right. You can make it work. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Something like, I've seen five like you once. I hook up, I feel like less time. But if it's my partner, I'm expecting like hours like throughout the night. Yes. I love that we're redefining to, we're broadening out what sex is. So nobody feels pressure to last or to delay. Instead, it's like, let's delight in each other's bodies for as long as we want to doing various activities that you want and that I want. And then- Sounds are both being pleased with, yeah, the time clock doesn't really matter. Yeah. Cause again, if you're, if I'm flirting with a dude, days leading up into the actual act, I could be wet every day until I'm with him. Moon. Naturally. Yeah. Yeah. That's good sex. Yeah. We have to also talk about Squarespace, the sponsor of this video, a platform that I've been using for well over four years to organize my business and to clarify my brand. And if you're looking for something similar right now, you're doing a rebrand or relaunch or you're starting something brand new for the first time, how exciting for you. I highly suggest that you check out Squarespace. And all you do is go to squarespace.com. You can sign up for a free trial, no credit cards required. And then afterwards, try to build an online store, build a website, look through their stunning templates and their designs, check out how they organize analytics, definitely check out their mailing lists. They are the most affordable and one of the most stunning templates mailing lists that I have ever come across before. And again, there's so many other services that they offer. It really is yours to discover and do it for free. And if you enjoy the experience there, that's when you can use squarespace.com slash shamboody to get 10% off the purchase of a website or a domain. Happy building and happy creating, but hopefully happy you right now. Thank you for watching this video and closing here are some fast tips to make sure that you are not bad in bed. First and foremost, read sex education books and engage with sex education materials. While this isn't hard and fast rules etched in stone, when you engage with people who talk to a lot of people about their sex lives, they have a good snapshot of generally what works. Now you can take those general statements about anatomy, about triggers, about sexual breaks, and then get curious and ask very specific questions of your partner. So again, knowing that top-down broad information allows you to be more directive when you are being subjective, which a subjective lover is an exceptional lover. Secondly, learning what works for your body for you to feel good is huge. The number one thing that I think makes a great sexual partner is somebody who enjoys sex. And it's hard to enjoy sex if you don't know what works for you or you aren't with your partner who you are teaching or who is interested in what works for you. So getting to a space where you know how to enjoy sex is huge to being a good partner for other people as well. And last but not least, have fun. And I think a big part of fun is curiosity. It's when you are discovering as you go and you are experiencing as you go. Fast pro tip, I will say, that's really helped me subjectively get better in bed very recently is tuning in with one of my five senses. I have a big imagination and that was a very positive thing for me is that sometimes I would go places in my mind while I was engaging with my partner. But of late, I've tried to be more present because when I'm present, I can adjust to what's happening the moment. Cause sometimes when you're off in La La Land or you're fantasizing about a past experience or you're fantasizing about something novel that you guys could be doing or a novel place you could be, you're missing all of the cues and the moments that are happening right in front of you. So to ground myself in the present moment, I am trying to focus on one of my five senses. So I might be like sniffing, like I'm really focused on sniffing to keep me in the moment while I'm having sex or I might look at something and rather than trying to see the whole picture which sometimes can be distracting for me, focusing on something really specific like the way my partner's hands are moving or focusing on watching their eyebrows during sex. Whatever it is in the moment, I pick one of the five senses and I really zero in on it to make sure that I'm grounded and I'm there and I'm present and that has currently been leading to better sex for me and I think better sex for my partner. What has been working for you? What hasn't worked for you? Let me know in the comment section below and thanks for watching. We'll talk soon. I'm not someone's option Can't be out here wildin' All my need is talkin' like I'm not a topic I'm not someone's option Girl, you know I'm poppin' Pull out when I'm saucin' Said you don't like toxic Then you saw me floggin' Girl, it's-