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You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live. Thanks for watching. So I grew up in a council estate, obviously. I was born and bred in Redding, four barks. We then went to a place called Winnish which was a little rough council estate area and then from there we went from Winnish to a place called Woods Hill and Wokenham which is where my little journey started. Other than that it was more like just a normal upbringing really. But I think a council estate for me, I say normal. Some people are fucking mad, but it's normal for me. It's just a council estate for my home. What about school? School went to St. Paul's. I was a naughty kid in there. I was just an average naughty kid. I wasn't the worst or anything like that. I think back then a naughty kid was the worst. Other than that he was alright. When I went to secondary school, I got expelled from secondary school. I was just like 11, 10, 11. And then that's when I went to boarding school. What did you get expelled for? It was something stupid as well. So I was just playing up and then the caretakers are back then. I don't know if you remember, they weren't computers like they are now. They were like the tape player ones. And if you turned it off, every bit of information was lost. And they would go mad. And the caretaker was in like, he opened up the box. There was all the switches and stuff. And I would turn them all the other way. I would just sit there. I'd been naughty. I would sit outside waiting on a chair. And he opened the key. And I would switch them all off. All the lights went off. But what I'd done is all the power went off. And then the woman come out and go, what's going on? This is all the paperwork. And so the stuff they'd had on the computers all been lost and stuff like that. So then they put me to the sixth formers and they were doing their exams. And it's actually in my book. There's a big bit of paper in there that says what I'd done in the school to get expelled. When I went in there, I had a Bunsen burner tube on a tap. And I turned it on. And I was just playing with it. And they didn't know I was doing it. And it sprayed the water. On the end of a hose. I didn't mean it to. And it went all over their writing. Went all over their papers. And then obviously all the inks were running. They had to write it all again. I was like, get out. They just basically pulled my mum in. And I was like, yeah, we don't want to go to my own school. But I don't think that was that bad. Nowadays, people are getting stabbed up at schools or smashed up and stuff like that. I had ADHD. So I was like, one of them. What about mum and dad? Mum and dad, yeah, loving parents. My dad was, even to this day like, I got married the other week. And he put his hand on my shoulder for the first time. I was like, okay, a bit of affection. You know what I mean? But my old man, he's like, he's not really affectionate person. You know what I mean? I think I'm going to play football with him stuff like that. He was just there. But I didn't like, I think later in life, I realised my old man, he went to work every day. He was a grafter. He used to think, oh, my dad didn't even play football with me or doing stuff like that, you know what I mean? So I didn't have that bond with my dad. My mum, obviously me and her, I love my mum to pieces and stuff like that. But yeah, my dad, just like affectionate-wise, there's nothing there, you know what I mean? But other than that, he's a white, he's a good old geezer, you know what I mean? How much do you think that affects you? Not having that, obviously, listening to your dad's providing that, that's love. Yeah, yeah, but I don't be having that affection. I think it does affect you later. I mean, when I was in trouble, he'd smack me up, but his dad used to hit him. Back then, he was allowed to hit your kids. He was legal, you know what I mean? But yeah, sometimes it would be a bit like that, you know what I mean? And it'd affect me a bit like that because he didn't mean something like that. I'd be like, oh, that's a bit of a shock, you know what I mean? But I don't think he really realised what he was doing. I think like, now, like, I mean, I've got a good friendship, you know? What were they saying when you were getting into trouble and getting expelled, though? Usually, it's normally the broken homes. The father's not there. Well, my dad wasn't there. I mean, I got beat up once and went back to my house. So I'm going to bash me up. My dad gave me a pickaxe hand. I didn't hit him with that. That's the kind of dad I was. I mean, back then, so I had this pickaxe hand on my hand and I went out to help this kid. I couldn't even lift it off the floor. He was there big back then. I'm like 10 or 9, I think it was. And I'm trying to pick this axe up. I ran back to me front door and banged on my door. My dad went and answered the door. I'm like, please let me in, dad. Please. He's going to kill me. I was so scared. I was like, thank God for that. Trying to teach you a lesson. But again, knowing now with the science and stuff, that's not normal. Abandonment issues, kick me in for kids who don't. That's not loving and not sure. The way it is, it's the closest thing I can hit them with. That's not the way you should be taught listening. You've got to defend yourself. I'll be able to say a percent. But the old school mentality is even when kids are born, let them cry, they cry out. Abandonment issues are so strong with that. You've got to love your kids and not show them the skin. I literally said this the other day as well because I've got two kids with someone and the rule is put them in their bedroom, let them cry, shut the door. I think that's the worst thing too, to love them and keeping the bed where you would hug them and cuddle them and stuff like that. Giving them that bond of growing up of love and they won't have that sort of separation in their brain and stuff. Separationings, that's what it causes and it causes massive effects of abandonment. That's why I'm in struggle now because maybe they're always back in the days tough and I'll be a little cunt. I felt like I was a band when I was born. I felt like I was a band and that was quite bad for me. That's when my whole chain of events went. This was in your whole life took a ton for the worst. That's when your books caught a lawn. That's when you entered boarding school. You felt a lawn and the abuse started. How long were you in boarding school for? How did you get sent there for? We went to I remember going to this little hospital and it's like it's like a small little hospital and there was a therapy in there and that's where the social services was and trust me, I don't ever get involved in social services. The UK is just the worst. My mum and dad were talking like a terrapin. I was sat in like a little row of chairs outside the office when they went in but I could still hear them because paper thin walls in them terrapins and they were like yeah so there was basically just saying to them we can do this school and that school blah blah anyway I don't even know how to come to it but what I do but anyway I got there was a decision made that I was going to boarding school and then I cried my eyes out mum was crying and it was like you was off so I end up going and then yeah that was the decision that was made That was one of the decisions from your dad to try and toughen you up I personally think people with honest opinion I personally think it was like I'm a headache, let's get rid of it had that them deal with it because we don't know how to an ADHD back then parents didn't know how to deal with it a lot I think maybe that was it like well what do we do if you can't go there then what do we do here do you know what I mean what boarding school was that how many people were there so it was weird there was two parts of school you've got school where you had the actual school school and then when you walk there's a big castle building here and that's the boarding school so people from the outside would go to the normal school but we had to walk over and then go back to the boarding school so we was like in there so it was like I don't know how many people in there I think when did they abuse that so there was a hard one this one because I didn't know for the first year and I didn't have a clue I know now well I knew obviously when I left school but I didn't realise what was going on for the first year because just say when I first went into the school it was a case of like I wake up so many times and not know what's going on sort of like stuff that had gone on you know stuff that had gone on but you can't make it out and I was like what's going on on my head like I couldn't think straight like I was thinking this was like two months, three months I'd wake up with stuff down there you know that kind of stuff and then it was just like the back of my head is like what's like I know something's happened and you think of when you're 10, 11, 12 or 11, 12 whatever years old I've had a wet dream because boys talk about it and then you think to yourself that's happened to me and then like yeah it's kind of like that's yeah in your head mentally you start putting this picture together thinking like but why am I not like why is there a lot of other stuff that shouldn't be her and like why is my bed it's really hard to talk about some of this stuff but yeah then obviously as it went on so I was really trying to explain it to you, yeah so it went on like over the year there was like parts of it where my brain was trying to like remember stuff like and I think where I'm ADHD like really like in my head like I'm quite like strong in my ADHD and I kind of like my brain struggling really wants to find out what's going on I sort of battled my own brain in it and then uh I was thinking like I know something's happening I know it is but I couldn't put my finger to it so then I was having uh I won't go into too much because it's in my book so just have to just read my book but I was having dinner and then I got the shits obviously you get the shits and score and stuff out and um the reason I'm saying this on here as well is that there's a lot there that need to come forward when you're having this going on don't hold it and hide it because my whole life is fucked has been fucked because of this and if you don't talk I know it's hard to talk about it because I for years I was thinking there's there's a lot of things about me thinking like about gay and shit like that and like oh my god like I've had a man do this to me and stuff like that and it's really mentally disturbed me like mentally in my head and it's really made me think in my sexuality who I am as a person it's ruined my relationship sexually and stuff like that like massively and I always say self sabotage before they start but I'll go back I just wanted to say like so if you are out there and you are in a bad way and stuff like that like I don't know who they can talk contact but you're not on your own I mean like there is people out there that can generally help anyway so going back um yeah so I had the I had the shits and then so I went yeah so the guy that obviously done it he then said oh go and get a shower sort yourself out obviously because I had had the shits and that then he took me down he goes I'll give you some medicine and it was like I'll never forget it was like little plastic cap stuff that you just drink back I thought it was to sell your stomach then it all went straight to bed gone I've passed out which I mean which I now know why and what the crack was and then obviously waking up I woke up halfway through when he was doing what he was doing to me do you know what I mean which I won't say too much and like but then anyway I'm really struggling now so I'm scared of Jeremy so it's like but yeah so I think it's a team man yeah they might uh yeah so a lot of my like loads of my friends that are watching this now I'm probably thinking like are they a lot of my mates no they ain't got a clue do you know what I mean they're like oh shit they know something's happened like shit like that no shake it but yeah so anyway so either obviously so when I went be at someone obviously what's happening is happening to me I've woke up and um as a man I like I know people like I know there's women out there that are really in a bad way with stuff like this but I can only tell you from a man's point of view as a man like you kind of feel degraded like even when I was only like 11 because I was 11 years old even when I was 11 I was a little boy little skinny fraggle you know what I mean from that age I knew obviously when I'd woke up that something in me had gone something like you took you just taken something away from me that should never be taken away from any man which is like like a part of my soul part of my heart you know what I mean and I sorry and I remember like in my head because I woke up and I couldn't move I was like paralyzed I don't know whatever he gave me in that thing and I remember my eyes could see you could look around I couldn't move I was completely paralyzed so I don't know what the fuck he gave me do you know what I mean and so you got a thing like from on my head like back then considering I'm looking around and all I was doing I was screaming from my mum and I was just like mum please mum please like help me help me that kind of stuff do you know I was screaming for her because I couldn't move I could only shout in my head do you know what I mean I was like saying stop stop screaming that kind of stuff and it was fucking horrible I was probably the worst side of my life do you know what I mean and then it went on like after that um obviously who the fuck did you tell when that happened like what do you know what I mean so I did make a phone call I'm not going to sound it what happened I did make a phone call I broke into the office at school I made a phone call to someone I'm not going to say on here and that didn't go the way I thought it was now I'm definitely on my own because I thought that wasn't going to be the case um and I was like this is happening to me blah blah blah and I didn't get heard do you know what I mean so then who was that feeling who was that feeling for a young girl I loved probably the one of the worst things in my life you know what I mean it really affects me to this stage you know what I mean and you think it's like I think like I think being on your own especially when that happens you're on your own I feel like I think the hardest thing for me is like having to deal with like that mental stuff the mental side of things that mental torture side of things in your head that you think would help you and they don't help you and then going back and then you're like who the fuck am I I'm just this kid living you know I've got no one I've got nothing so now you're on your own now you're alone you know what I mean that kind of stuff and your brain is going a hundred miles an hour do you know what I mean who do you tell you tell your mates you know whatever and they will laugh and you take the piss out of you and stuff like that so you can't really tell anyone and then if you do tell someone that kind of stuff I say shit myself over that and then it did anyway it carried on but it wasn't like all the time it was like every like three and four months then I'd like and it had happened again and it had happened again and it had happened again I mean I just shit myself well I knew when I went I knew that when I had a bad belly then it was going to happen I just knew it but I would like there's loads of stuff flying there it's weird because I can actually talk about it so much now it's hard for me to talk about it it's all like shit myself and shaking and stuff do you know what I mean of course man you're getting raped for saying I'm 11 years old boy it's abused raped like you say the books alone for a reason you felt alone you try to turn to somebody you could trust and they fucking made you worse they've probably done more damage than the guy who was fucking raped you even know that's possibly people think was worse but they feel as if you reached out to somebody crying out for help because I've had men on here 20 years 30 years mad bastards but they took them 20 30 years to open up because they blamed themself question their sexuality question could I lead it on they're fucking 8 9 10 11 years old of course so it's not any man any pedophile any man it's the deserve a bullet in the head it's this fucking cringe and disgusting that these people their method of thinking is there they're not born for society they're not born they're fucking not who was this guy John Hall is he alive or dead well this is the thing so when I got out of prison so I had a chain for events after that when I got out of prison there was a guy called Ian Glasby and he's dead now he was like a carer of our school and he was sound he was actually sound and then I got out of prison and I went to the ice rink and I'll see him and he gave me a big cuddle and then he was got all upset and I heard what happened he was an ex-police officer as well like a drug score copper and he was like he was actually sound like proper sound and he gave me a big hug and he was like sorry like blah blah and I was like oh yeah and he goes I heard because he went to jail on that friend and I was like oh yeah and then he went and I was like what happened to him because you've got to understand that when I got out of prison I was returning to when I had lost a plot obviously in jail I was a pussy right until I lost a plot I explained that in a minute I was ready to fucking do this either like on another level and I wanted to find him because now I've gone from that to that there was only one thing in my head and he told me that he killed as soon as I said it to him he was like oh no had he killed himself in jail really when yeah apparently he's helped himself he would know this is a copper so I was like I think I cried that I got upset and I was like I was like because I've gone from being this little schoolboy pussy to a raven fucking lunatic I didn't care I didn't care if I lived or died genuinely like and to kill me then was a gift I didn't care to kill me I don't care like genuinely because I've had enough I just had enough as I fucked this shit and uh so I went from like in my head the whole time like I was going through my shit like when I see this guy to like well it's dead so what do I do now in my life well that's done he's dead so what do I do where do I do now do you know what I mean so when I when I started writing this book with uh Jay he's like this was like two and a half years ago because he's took two and a half years to write this book because I kept stopping and starting I was like I can't do it I want people to know about what happened to me do you know what I mean because you feel like I don't want people to know that happened I don't know what it is you know like all my mates feel like I'm a bit of a boy do you know what I mean it's like oh no can I eat a rainbow and I'm like yeah that happened to him he was abused you know what I mean and stuff like that it's like sexually stuff it's just like you don't feel like a bit of a man you kind of feel like weak degraded degraded and stuff so it's really hard I kept breaking down in this book like this book is so powerful I broke down so many times in the book and kept re like going back and writing it again he was like come on Steve please and he was like bringing it back going let's get this book come on and sort it and I was like I can't cope mentally this book in the last two and a half years have mentally destroyed me like it's mentally destroyed me as a person everything you think that is even though it's meant to destroy me it's also meant to be building you up again yeah as it's therapy and writing it down speaking out about it it's nothing to do with being a geezer you're going to lose your dignity, your hope whatever the fuck it is it shows strength, courage, power showing that it's not got the power over you anymore sitting here talking about it that's you giving, taking your power back that's you fucking giving it back where that can't snog it any power over you that's that fucking strength you know what fuck it is painful but every time I talk about it it takes away the pain because I'm taking my strength back your power back Jeff Thompson unbelievable man, speak about him all the time Jeff was abused by his instructor he just kept fearing hairy hands at night and abusing him and Jeff became a killer a fucking killer, became a bound son nearly killed a guy, he called it the parasite because he never faced that the parasite get bigger and bigger and bigger he became a parasite and he always says he'd always think about killing this guy Jeff became an eighth dan one of the most dangerous men on this planet unbelievable, seeing the man he's a killer, dreamed about killing him he's whole fucking life seen him in a cafe as soon as they seen him Jeff froze, eighth dan killer froze, guy had his power and Jeff went up to him all that dreaming about killing him they've got the power told him, the guy broke down and then Jeff walked away and he says that moment there was the moment the parasite died I got my power back, he says I couldn't kill him anyway I froze, and then I thought he's not worth it, because you imagine dreaming about killing that man being raped by this man abused, fucking collected tortured them, but you're doing that you then being prisoned for life even though you probably think it would be vengeance but then you wouldn't be able to live your life you have now yeah, I kind of feel like I'm a bit different on this one I think I kind of feel like my whole life for when I got out of jail it's just been hang on a little bit but yeah, I can't it's a war yeah, take a time lesson, this is what it's all about you're leaving emotions on the table, you're leaving change you're leaving I feel like the killer brother man I am now, I hope because when I was writing the book he was kind of like he was saying, oh yeah, it's your life, is he dead and I was like, I don't know because I'll find the guy in 24 hours, I know that because I know who I'm connected to, do you know what I mean I know in 24 hours, I know his address where he is, but I know what I'll do when you're saying about Jeff froze, this guy right through my whole entire life the minute I wake up my nightmare starts every day from school when did you go, I bought in school I put a hockey stick over someone's head and got expelled I'd had enough was that when you broke? well no, I didn't break that, I broke enough in there when I came out of there I went I went from there I went and robbed so my aunties fell at the time, had a load of guns I went, and he showed me them being a big guy, and I went and robbed them I broke into our house when they were on holiday and I robbed these guns and all of a sudden I've got some guns and as soon as I started pointing at my people they'd shoot themselves, and for the first time in my life I had a bit of power where I always felt so weak and raped and abused, do you know what I mean I now got power with these guns so I'd done some arm robberies I've robbed these keys in Milton Keynes we stopped the train, held the whole train and took all the stuff off the train I made it in a park I went nuts with these guns and I was up for loads of charges on them and then I ended up getting like it was like 4 years, 42 months 36 months in ascendance and then I went to prison for it but before that before that happened I went to I wanted to monitor the local authority in Suffolk and then I was in this place in there and I was, because I was only 15 and then before when I got the guns and then I was drowned in a pond by one of the geese well two of them put me in the pond because I was like a sub and they were trying to smash me up and then they got the lighter gas back then I was a skinny little fraggle like a proper skinny little fraggle I was a pussy and they put me in the pond and pulled me out and they stuck the lighter fluid they was racking it in my jaw and it was like freezing cold and it makes you go a bit wide that stuff and I was in my room just sat there at night time and that and the next minute I'm not asleep and my room goes open and one of the kids has got this metal thing he made and we got this metal place we must have taken it with him somehow they started stabbing me in my back with it and I'm asleep and I was punching holes at me and I'm running downstairs trying to like help sort of thing obviously like it's all sort of like you don't grasp then oh I don't know and I got there and I froze when I sort of got down and I was like I don't know I don't know and I sort of like went back so he just like cleaned me up and all my stuff out and I sort of like didn't say anything anyway I escaped there went to my sisters and I got to my sisters obviously then I went and broke in got the gun stuff like that and it went a bit crazy but I went from like born in schools children's homes reminds of local foreign stuff then from there to my sisters and then for them crimes I got them banged up just went to Felton first then from Felton I went to Glen Parva which was exactly going to prison you ever worried about the same shit happening at boarding school going to that old prison I'll tell you what was the jail for me I shit myself I don't care I ain't no big man and I was shitting myself couldn't have the guns not there I mean I'm this little kid that I was just a little kid that needed help really and I didn't get it I just went from there to there to there and now I'm in a box the size of fuck knows what you know what I mean and I'm sitting there and I ain't got the life out of me I was thinking and there's like all men in this jail I'm as skinny as that and there's all right men that are quite like 20 21 year olds I'm like 15 well 16 I was then and they were ripped to death and I'm thinking I'm going to get hanged out and I did I got smacked up so many times I got bullied in jail bad and then I'm going to sit and go yeah all the jail was a bit of a boy no I wasn't I was a fraggle 15 16 17 18 all the way through my young years I went from Felton to Glen Parva Glen Parva went in there mate he was tell just kid people killing themselves went from Glen Parva to Reading and then from Reading I was the literature fraggle already and I went to Portland and that's why I met Ray Winston in there I was Ray Winston and plus so he that he went back because that's where he done the movie he's gone he went back there's pictures of my book of me and him in the actual jail who was he? he was a white he was actually a white to be fair considering what my head was just gone I don't even know I managed to get a conversation with him was he just doing his business for because he'd been in that business? yeah he was doing a bit of a film tell a little bit of a movie thing there's all the camera crew there with him but I remember saying to him I was saying I was saying because I watched a film before he came in didn't even watch the film until he came in that's the first time I watched it because I threw my head like my head the way it was and then I was like where's your tool he went where's your tool he actually done it he was quite mad but he was he said he seemed sound as he seemed sound he was like he actually had a bit of like love trust you know I mean he's like inmates and stuff but there's a couple of movie little mini movies that are out there for that prison I mean when did you then break not becoming a scared boy and decided to start hunting other people? Portland prison was ruthless mate I'm telling you it was ruthless like so I got like you need to understand about Portland there's people trying to sue the prison now from when we was in there 97-2000 that was rough as you like salt note oh my god yeah no toilets piss pots, buckets but it was the screws mate they used to bash you up and people know this this is like common knowledge do you know what I mean and people like now like yeah it did I walked in there from Felton do you say gov or boss that's what you say like gov and I walked in there and it was like he was right this thing out it got strange I went yes gov stood up he put his pad down walked around smacked me straight in the face and I swear this is no lie I'm like ringing I'm like 16 year old kid and I'm like the fuck is grab me he pulled me up and he goes in here you call me sir boy do you want to fucking stab me and every single person that was that and I was like shit they all shit themselves and I was like what the fuck and then I got back up and I was like what's my name and I went sir he went this is your number and he gave me TL3908 which was my number there I'll never forget I found it out the strange was my wing my name rally well at the time it was Nelson Nelson was my wing and it was sir so I started to go TL3908 the strange Nelson sir until I went to rally do you know what I mean and if you hear keys you have to stand up in your cell and it was bed packs you have to make bed packs it was all our army run they stand up say your name and number that is literally what happens in there it's like it's ruthless the one thing about Portland which is the worst for this jail is if I'm getting bullied which I like to get smacked up all the time in there because I was a little fraggle well until I started getting to like 89 I started to put a bit of size on and had enough of being B up you start fighting back but like the worst thing about if say like you're in the prison and you're just minding your own business like I'm going to smack you straight in the face you got a block as well because I don't care who started it you're both going to block so you get bullied and you get punished again for it so you're getting punished for being bullied it's like that mental torture I don't know what it is so I'd be like getting smacked up at the bottom of the stairs or something like two of them jumping on me and we're all getting handcuffed I ain't done nothing, I've got my food just going back to my cell, nine times out of ten I didn't even want to go to socialization I was so scared when I get beat up and I'll be down block and I just have a vest top on and you have to wear shorts and a vest top down there that is like the rules after they've ripped all your clothes off then you go into your cell and I used to put my vest above my knees and I'd sit there freezing, rocking and they'd take your mattress out so you've got no mattress it's cold and I used to sit there thinking of myself like crying and crying for my mum like screaming I had enough mate I always used to cry for my mum all the time I don't know, she's like the only person in my life that was there well, you know it's hard to talk about shit like this of course it is man, but that's his way right here is that all the person you feel safe with? at first, yeah because obviously like when you were out of school 10 years old, my mum up until I was 10 loved me to pieces we were really close and then we faded out after that so I think from 10 well, say 11 then me and my mum had a relationship probably after that I spoke to her and stuff but that love bond that really kind of close that I had before was 11 that was really tight with my mum I think I was allowed up in bed and she was really cuddly and like I thought it was a lot of love because of what happened to you and the children's home yeah, I kind of feel like I feel like when the whole thing important this is where I lost the plot this is where everything so anyway I was in block I was just turning 20 when I was 20 already I was just turning 20 or 21 and I was down block my Libbyman split here my eye was split and I was quite badly bashed I tried to kill myself I threw myself off the land and head first done my sculling I got my ribs broke had my back broke my sister come and visit me now I was in a wheelchair I was bad, I got fucked up ribs broke, sculled, I feel like jaw broke and in the end I had enough I literally had enough and I can't explain it to anyone this is how I explain it the only thing I've got to think of is that nail noise I heard that in my head and it hurt and since that happened I just switched I didn't care I was like what the fuck and I just stopped crying I was crying my eyes out I was such a shaky baby cry every fucking way through the thing and in the end I'm even being down block and I was like fuck this and I was like fuck this, I'm done anyone that looks at me in the wrong way is getting it anyone who just does an electric to me and I'll tell you what happened, the funniest thing as well so obviously after I was down block this guy bashed me who went back to the block and had my handcuffs on they untook my handcuffs I walked straight up to the pool table picked up my hand run over and smacked him straight in his face just kept on doing it I just kept hitting him and he was like you're dead, watch you get it, you get it I was like no you're dead watch, I'm actually gonna fucking kill you he was like yeah I'm actually gonna fucking kill you I was like proper on him and I see the screws looking at me and they obviously ripped me up and handcuffed me again, took me back down block I didn't even come off a block and I was like I'm going to fucking kill you trust me like I'm actually gonna do it and I genuinely meant it, I was gonna cut his throat I thought fuck this shit I didn't know, I didn't have a clue what it was I fed up with being bashed and bullied and raped and beat and shit I had enough, I was like kill me then, kill me I don't care, I just tried to do it myself and then I thought to myself, die or die try it, that was literally it if you kill me then at least I fought for it that's what it's all about so we're down block and he's screaming in his cell you're fucking dead, watch and I was like watch and I was listening to him and I just I think I was whistling and singing a song I didn't care, usually I'm like please don't know, I'm dead he's gonna do me and I'm shitting myself please, please don't take me back to that wing because he's gonna do me and this time I was whistling and singing I was like I'm gonna kill this guy I'm gonna kill him, don't care and that was when I knew I'd lost it, I'd lost the block what was it sir say, the Fox League were you always sir say when I was four, this kid is taking me I looked up at the sky and gone take me but other than that, I used to think about just doing myself in and what's the point I didn't see the point in life I just didn't see the point in there what I'd lived up until then what life is there after this what's the point twice one properly, one nearly properly would you jump off the fucking landing what happened special what's going what happened I've done all the fucking crack I'm laughing me because I know how fucking much pain you're in to do that because that's not even you've not tried to slight your rest or fucking thing yet you've went there I did try and hang myself I took all the bits of what you do and you cut all the bits and you feed all the bits of rope out through it and then you make it a bit thicker and then in ourselves important there were like a bar that come through and as it come through you had to come in the thing and now I jumped and it just snapped and it was even quite thick and it still snapped what was the feeling when it snapped was it a relief or were you starting to get pain guided couldn't even kill myself do anything wrong what's that feeling when you want to end that what is the mindset because I do work for Christy's house and we've had people come in with their rope buns and that's just a feeling did you feel at peace when you try to kill yourself I just thought yeah I felt like if I was gone you got to remember like where the whole prison thing didn't really bother me as much being beaten I was always crying and scared it all went back to the school that really destroyed me as a man and I thought how am I going to cope with life after this I mean other things happen I'm not going to get into but loads most of it's in my book but I think on these like some more shows and talk about other stuff because it's so much so see before you try to kill yourself was a plan I was just an instant thing fuck I'm going to kill yourself I was at weeks no it was definitely planned it was definitely planned I was just thinking like what am I going to do when I get out of prison like that was I think I just think that stuff like when I get out what is there what is there for me what am I going to go and do do you know what I mean like do you take drugs or anything I took drugs before I went in I wasn't like a drugie or nothing few pills or something I mean but it wasn't like continuously on them so you've snapped then what age were you yeah what was that I feel like I tell you what I noticed more than anything when I started to stick it on people properly because I've done a whole bucket of hot water over them so matey when I with sugar in it when I got to that point people started going oh yeah and the screw started respecting me a little bit and so did the inmates they all started having that little bit of respect I don't go in there because I had lost I literally didn't care so they moved me wing which one I was to see Bray Winston on and everyone was kind of nice in there do you know what I mean they had a fight up the land they cut the fights and I didn't care but come on let's have it I got smacked a couple of times with my face but I still didn't care and then after that I kind of got a bit of respect from people and I kind of thought well respect me now but now I'm fighting it back you want to respect me now I didn't understand it too much quite confused more than anything yeah but if you're cleaning yourself sheepish you're a target sharks sniff that shit out man you're a fucking target but if you fight back you go okay there's no point to fighting him but because people the bullies people who bully are scared yeah yeah they're Philadelphia yeah yeah yeah yeah 100% they're just but if you start sticking up to them then they want to be your friends some of my best friends from back in the days because we had a fucking scrap in the town or whatever enemies but just when you get older you realise for what because they hear say you're fucking loyalties to the wrong person it's just it's cringe so you've snapped in and decided fuck it enough's enough what was it like when you had that power back you're gaining some power back that's probably the first time in my life I thought I've got something worth living for so you've got you've got something there that you know now you can sort of say like coming in let's have it I think what what was more with me as well like up until I met obviously I went to Spain I met Cole and stuff like that before that I was like I got out of prison and I was coming out of jail and I was bullied before I went in by quite a few different people in the area and people know this to this day as well because I've got these people back when I come out I was walking down the street and I saw two people who used to bully me and I literally just beat the shit out of them I didn't care and they're like and then all of a sudden it was like Steve's out of jail and he's tough he's fighting not this little wimp and then I went around and I started beating the guys that bashed me and then there was one guy that was in a pub and I'll never forget it it's when they had a brick in a pub they used to have matches in there when people were smoking them and they had the matches inside the brick and you strike the match off the brick and I went into the pub and the guy was sat there and he went oh my god Stephen the strange what are you doing in my pub and I went who's this geezer and he bashed me up at youth club swung me round and he actually pissed on me in front of everyone that's how much of a fucking prick he was and I went who are you then and then instantly I clocked and I just picked the brick up and smashed it straight in his face I started weighing him in and I bashed him up bad and I was getting dragged off and I went fucking nuts and I was trying to get a glass I was going to stick anything in his face whatever I could get he was going in his head and then he was like oh my god Steve's done so blah blah blah blah and then got back to my sister's house and I was like clean with blood off me and my sister Rachel was like my rock she was like my twin everything that I'd done would go there because you know you'd be safe she'd never grass her up to the police she was always like one of us and in the streets that we lived in in serious clothes and you could go through one house go out the back garden jump over two doors go in another door and he was always like everyone from the cancer estate no one grassed you up it was quite good it was like a little community family because they had this nonce when I got out of prison who got done for doing one of my mate's sisters and we went round then the police come in the police come in riot and I was arrested and two of the boys got let out and they were like Steve strange stays in over for other charges and shit and it was like and I was just annihilated and we were just breaking in I got handcuffed and the police called my sister to let me out and run up the street and handcuffed her and chucked tiles off the roof it was a proper little riot but we didn't give a shit to her and like that kind of stuff and the matter you go in your head and like so I'd wake up in the morning and my head would go like tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick and I'd be sitting there going like I need to go and do something if I don't do something I'm going to go crazy because my past would not stop it just eats me like a plague like a parasite it's fucking horrible so every single day I'd be like bang bang tick tick tick tick tick the worst thing I'd done is I drank so if you've got mental health genuinely like if you've got mental health out there do not drink do not smoke do not take drugs I'm T-Total now for like 10-11 years I don't do it because it's the worst thing for you I started drinking and I straight instantly I was a brandy drink I don't know why the worst thing ever we had a fight in red and we was over the news so we went into Cuba and I was drinking this brandy with fly ice in it and I went up to VIP and my mates were down the stairs and while I was on my game then I was fucking badging people left and I was going to the clubs blah blah and even if I got beat up I didn't care I'm not the hardest man in the world and let me tell you this yeah and unlike some people that I know like good friends of mine they're like yeah I'm the biggest hardest man in the world do you know you're not actually I'll let me just say this quickly as well I'm telling you now that most of the people that I know and I'm saying most of the people I know and I've been around and I've got like I know big communities out there in Reading, Wokenham Winnish, like Crow Forne all these big areas I know big communities big gangsters I know like travelling big travelling communities you've got loads of big travelling they're all nutters every one of them are nutters yeah not one person in that area is the biggest gangster the worst ones are the youngest the 16, 17 year olds they're the worst see like we've got us the adults like we've got my lot from Reading I've got like a bit of a firming Reading they're like real decent and they're not so I was named on there because you know whatever reasons but I've got like a Reading firm they're nuts you've got my brat and all that they're nuts but the worst ones are the 16, 17 year olds they're like 20 of them are my nephew and all of his mates they all came around carving eyes this big it's not brave it's not clever they're the worst they got 20 of them on mopeds are from a nicked they don't care and they'll come like I would rather fight or go to war with someone like a big stocky man who can fight than them so why could you be dead? they lived at Internappa not long ago a couple weeks back and I had to go and have a meeting with one of my pals because one of my family members like the younger and had to pop at him and they got together and there was going to be one was on about the summer I saw down about the summer I was like oh my god so I've got to meet I said well you two shake hands before this gets naughty because they're my mates and my nephew's like I don't care like they're just like they're actually crazy they don't care like and he said to me once oh if I go to prison people are going to respect me he couldn't hit his head I don't care I feel like I'm going to become more of a man I said are you deluded so you actually think if you go to prison look at me like and I think they look at me like because I'm a bit of like one of them I'm not an old gangster bad boy nothing like that bad boy yeah but not a gangster enough I don't class myself as that even though like who I'm linked with I classed myself as one big ball of mental health I mean that has who's still just going through life and winging it and like getting myself to where I need to be and that's why I said to you like that parasite thing like if I I know for a fact I don't know where this guy is I would not freeze because he still ruins my life to this day to this day the whole of my life has been destroyed my mental health my brain I can't cope from day to day do you see what I'm saying like so I know that that would be my breath of fresh air and I wouldn't just do the geezer in I would spend weeks and weeks because of what I'm capable of doing do you know what I mean I would actually do some serious stuff to this guy so when Jay said it I was like do not tell me I've got misses and kids and I want to see them because I will do something stupid I'll put things in place that he didn't like fitted do you know what I mean oh I got told he was dead I don't know his fucking life I generally don't want to know because I know what I'm capable of doing still do yeah me if he if I knew I don't know because I know that my life still destroyed because of this guy do you know what I mean every day of my head just goes mad it's like the screams in my head and that so I screamed every fucking day for this guy and then after that it was prison screams so it's like I still like that just went on until I was 21 I felt like it was like 11 years old until I was 21 I thought that was all one big bubble and then I got out of prison and my head went a bit more calm when I started turning to a nutter I feel like up until I was 21 I feel like that was the whole like it was a whole thing it was all molded into one do you know what I mean who yeah kind of like that and I feel like that put me in all that place and it's like all mixed together do you have a question why you had to go through that 100% million percent I was feeling myself I was just like look at the garden I was like what what what why do you know what I did that for do you know what I mean so you went through all the pain and torment and been living in a hill for 10 years old yeah so the billion you've snapped what happens when you go to prison and start making a name for yourself what's all that shit were you doing so I was out of prison three days the second time and I flew to Spain so that's where I met Colin Leach I was in the second movie when they all got stabbed I went to Spain like I ended up going one of my one of the powers that I knew here I flew out of him to Spain and then that's when I met Colin when they all got stabbed up to go and back him from what had gone on so I didn't know what I was walking into I didn't really care like I said I didn't care we lived or died so and Colin knows this so I went over there and like there was a big car load went up with five of them in a car driving past and that and I was just like and they could have just gone bang and I was just like go on then like I mean like there's my gift I've been half a day then I wouldn't have been there then I didn't care I didn't give a shit to be honest I didn't care we lived or died then and people know that if people didn't know me back then I didn't give a shit I thought anyone anyone I went through those doors I didn't give a shit like I generally didn't care what were you doing for money robbing drug dealers taxon debt collects in but not so we just found it easier just to go to the end so there was a drug dealer going on like we would sort of sell it and all fucking about we would just go to the end of the day and we was like we had intel everywhere so people would be like I'll give us a drink and I'll tell you who's got this give us a drink and I'll tell you who's got that so we'd be like oh you know he's got 20 grand or whatever there so I'd ring my pal on the reaper and call him the grim reaper Colin knows him he's a nutcase he is fucking tapped and I'd ring him up he'd be like yeah see you soon and then get it all up gear it up and then we'd go straight through and do what we've got to do who was that then from being billy to them being a billier yeah I kind of thought it was alright because it was drug dealers I kind of thought like well they have done it wrong so don't be mad I had a rule I don't ever do kids and if there's any kids there I won't do it I won't go for a house with kids in it because I just I still had a heart even though like I was doing what I was doing no women and no kids there was women in there I wouldn't do it there was kids in there I wouldn't do it and I'd always if it was a guy I'd wait for him so this is this is a funny one I've watched so many of your podcars as well and I've seen other guys out there like these bad boys and stuff and I've seen how they've worked so say you got a guy who's on his game and he's like yeah I've got to make him there's a change he's got a big flashy car and everyone knows what he's doing he goes and puts four dogs in his house every camera you can think of and these dogs are killer there's like four big bad boy dogs and he's there and he's got these big gates and it's all camera and high with spikes on it and that I've sort of like had this thing in my head but I could plan stuff I don't know what it was I used to get things and go wow can we work this geese around to get this geese it was easy just get him on the way out why would you go in his house do you know what I mean just take him when he's out so I said to my parents like he's got all that security he's got all them dogs he's just crashing to him he thinks he's been hit dress up as old people so he thinks he's an old lady because you can get them trust me and he put them on and we just take him and as soon as he goes there just cat a pod done do you know what I mean and another thing you know what people say about putting people in boots of cars I think people have done it but I kind of feel like it's not I've never seen that I mean I saw like I've seen this like not for me personally because we're on camera but I cut like a van and then you tape you pull the plastic sheet in the van with the side door open and then you've got a driver and you drive with the door open and as soon as the geese is going to where his car whatever it's just bang stunning him and then straight in the back and he just rolled literally rolled him in the back of the side door shut the door zip to him up and that's him done and it's actually quite easy to do that but I wouldn't put someone in the boot of a car that'd be a nightmare be really hard to get someone in the boot of a car trying to squash him in or trying to tuck him in and the boot you can just look drama whereas that one is so quick that you just draw a pass like bang in shut the door no one even knows what's happening before you know he's taken do you know what I mean I think it's just a film so give it that fake for the boot because if I try again the boot like on a screen show holding the boot, kicking saying to the van you know it's dark I've seen big men in the back of the van I've seen big men like I've seen big men in the back of the van I've seen big men in the back of the van I've seen big men in the back of the van I've seen big men in the back of the van I've heard stories and not big men like proper like you think there were ganks of bad boys and they cry their eyes out as soon as they think they're in there they go from this to like police everybody's got that feel this isn't a everybody's got fear in them some people can overcome it you're right man people share themself piss themself nobody wants to die unless you've got that feeling where you think I don't want it anymore but the big top men the majority of the big boys now are all grasses this is the society we're in do you know what I mean and you find out who they are when it's put on them do you remember a lot of the people get away with it because they've been acting for so long like a madman like you crazy steve it's all an act because if we know we act that way people are not going to harm us anymore but actually some of these men you actually see them getting put on the stories I've heard do you think yeah it makes sense now I've had it put on me loads of times I would get to the point where like in my area like where I'm from and big up Berkshire because people think that Berkshire is like a country bumpkin town it's not at all in our area there is some serious bad boys a lot of the travellers in there you wouldn't mess with these travellers you wouldn't mess with these Albanians Polish that I know good Albanian people that I know you've got the Italians Cypriot Greeks I know all them well you've got the Muslims I know all the Muslim boys they sound I know them well you've got the blacks and all the blacks you've got some serious firms there you've got the cancer states you've got some serious firms I'm not like the bad guy to come from the area far from it but I'm like a part of the furniture that's my manner out of me in my area it's probably 1500 of the same of me that are crazy they don't even do anything to you like most of the people that I know so say like say I've got a problem with someone and I know that this guy this is where respect comes on the street so I've got this guy and he's pissed me off don't know I'll make a phone call and say listen what's going on and he'll be like look Steve I'm not cool they saw it so he's sorted out a phone call if that phone call didn't happen and that didn't get sorted someone's getting shot then getting shot and getting stabbed or something or like oh a car's getting straight into your side here that's what it's like in the area and it could be like someone that's not even a bit of a bot like even a bad boy but you don't really give a shit and he doesn't want to lose face in our area you can't lose face in our area if you lose face in our area you might as well move do you know what I mean you've got to move out of the area simple as that if you lose face you can't lose face you'll get someone that don't want to lose face and he'll drive his car straight into you and he'll jump out of his boys and they'll still back here even though they don't really want to they've got to do you know what I mean for your pressure when did you start getting the tattoos tattoos are a big scene how some days as well it's like a self fighting kind of thing so I got my tattoos when I was like 22-23 when I was coming up in the game and that like I just got loads of body and tattoos and I quite liked them watched a few of the movies and I thought yeah I quite like sleeves so I was kind of like yeah that's like bit of me and I quite like it and to be fair I thought the birds like it as well the ladies in it so I was thinking I remember going to a club once and this guy was two sleeves up wearing the girls and he was all done up with his hair and he looked good and the girls were all over him like a rash and he was a bit of a boy as well and I thought fuck that I want to be that guy you know what I mean tattoo me up you know what I mean and then I don't know all the girls want me and that is literally what happened we ended up back in pleasant I got done for 3G breakages 2A breakages come and assault an assault police officer in red in the nightclub I shut the whole club down I went and smashed everyone up in it all my mates know this and I got arrested got from my mind and then literally like I then come back out because there was no it was so busy everyone was fighting everyone was getting bottled smashed all the rest of it my mate got his throat stabbed to the throat like bald was I think I was on his head and then stuck him in his throat and he ended up in hospital everyone ended up in hospital and then I ended up getting nicked and then yeah did you've had a couple of not guilty's yeah they were not guilty well he's just like an old he just chuck it out what was like in Spain Spain was alright Spain was I was only there for a few days I had probation on the first day so I wasn't supposed to be out of the country I flew to Spain to sort that out and then come back after all that and then I was in probation and that woman was going to be so Steve is everything okay you alright um how was things how was like you know the angry because I had anger which I've been the thing first course of anger management courses I've done a lot I was like yeah not too bad yeah I felt alright you know what I mean and then my first time in my life I had a bit of money you know when I see a bit of money and I thought oh I want more like that you know what I mean so it was like yeah Spain was alright I ended up going back there quite a lot now so I go to Spain quite a lot when did you start speaking out about at all that was the first time can you remember about my past yeah I didn't ever speak about my past apart from when I was a if I got a girl from like a girl when I had a girlfriend so like my ex ex we just got my kids I spoke to her a bit about it and then it's kind of like yeah I don't know I'm going to go into that but yeah I spoke to her a little bit about it and then yeah I think when you because you're close to someone as a girlfriend you're kind of like but I sabotage my relationships and I think every man does it to the degree I was the same all down three weeks three months and then I'll break it down so they don't hurt me relationships are the most relationships are the most painful thing for a man you've been through a lot of torment and pain in your life we're always looking for love we can all no matter what it is we always search for love people say I'm a happy being single that's bullshit bullshit yeah love we all want that nurture and mother yeah yeah men are we're weaker than women we're softer than women that's the thing we want it feminine energy and masculine energy and it makes sense but if a woman's loving and caring you'll give her the world see if she's masculine and argumentative and you fight back and you're arguing and that woman would never be in a decent relationship should always be in and out I literally said this the other day like I was talking to a certain ex I'm going to say names and stuff I said to her the way you portray yourself with photos and stuff and all this and all the sexy photos you've got two sets of men you've got a guy that looks at it and goes I'll bang that every man will do that and when these women like I want them to be good because they've got my kids so there's nothing I want then happy for them do you know what I mean when you portray yourself is that like dressing up things out and that kind of stuff guys like who are they which can they get this shag because every guy out there want to bang you but they don't want to be with you I said to her have you put photos up and actually become a really good mom and going out and dressing up as a mom taking the kids out and putting things if you're picturing a mom every guy that says about the bang will flick past you but the guys that want to be a part of that family will then you'll get the right attention because then that guy will be like she's a really good mom and they like that mothery feeling that really mom that really eyes she's not a slag she must be a good mom whatever reason she's single I'll have a go at that and then she'll get the right man and take on the kids do you know what I mean but women crave attention and we need to understand men don't want that shag for me if you're with somebody you're sold I'm sold they're sold if you're jumping about in bikinis for me it's just putting a big first sale sign on for men it's like putting your DMs there's no respect there's no loyalty there you're craving something same as if a man following birds with bikinis and lighting their foals it's just the same as a format cheating you're opening the window and opening the door to liking them like in you and for me both these are supposed to be sold for me if you want a happy relationship come off social media I agree I totally agree and I think men are too scared to say things now because it's a form of controlling behaviour but fuck that man you've got to value you why the fuck would I want a girl my message putting bikini foals on for other guys to like it to be zooming in on their pictures and looking at every bit of detail they're craving attention tell them fucking straight listen you'll not be with me if you're fucking yeah Instagram's not on private or you're deleting those photos it's not controlling people say it's insecure it's not it's we know how men work we know how men function that's a green light for a man to slip into the DMs and people say your girl doesn't but you're opening it up for sale sign because every girl who does that you think slag it's sad reality but you think slag easy task best of your mates as well do you think of your mates will always go into your ex's DMs all mates and friends do but if you've got a social media there's just a dating website so there's no difference from Tinder so you've got to value you've got to have boundaries some people accept that life I'm not one except I want a housewife I want something loving family just as protective and I will give them the fucking world but again we're living in a backworld society where it's accepted and that's why relationships are breaking down 100% of ended in divorce it's too easy to meet people I mean if you want to have a relationship then come off social media not everybody would though I think social media is going to get worse I think mental health is going to get worse I think it's going to get bad I've got a thing at the moment I literally said to my mrs at the moment I said I'm going to do this I'm going to do like a mental health thing online there's a company then you just like you do like a zoom call and get in flight concentrate put my heart into that and help people that actually have mental health I'll tell you one thing I've got to say this I've got to say this I just thought about it then because I was thinking of loads of things to say and I hit some none of them literally do you know what gets my back up more than anything that really grinds at me like bad it's all these young people now that are going on social media they get off and they haven't even experienced it and they get in all these social media likes and follows and stuff like that and I watched a few of them and I was like I know I can tell a liar I can tell someone if they've been through it or not you just get that when you grind through the life and the street prisons you get to know people and what they've been through and stuff like that this like when I watched a couple of these mental health things and I was watching them I was thinking what are you doing get off your sofa go out there put your chin up let's do it let's let's fight for this let's fight for that and do the same tomorrow stop being a wimp lie and I said that I thought who are you talking to mate who are you actually fucking talking to you wouldn't be saying that if your mum was raped and your dad got shot in the face in front of you you wouldn't be saying that do you know what I mean that's a little bit different and I was thinking oh mate they're just all jumping on the mental health band way there's a lot of people mental health is at an old time high but a lot of people in my opinion that have spoke to a lot of people now a lot of people aren't struggling with mental health it's just they're struggling with life but now it's just that case of it's mental health my mind's gone it's not you just need to find a fucking strength to exercise my book on the front of it it's obviously about alone and alone means like whether you're from a rich family whether you're from a poor family this is where like mental health can come in different forms and I've seen friends of mine I saw a guy in jail he like he shouldn't have even been in there I don't think because he got done for a fraud but it wasn't he explained to me but he got like five years and he was from a really good background and his mental health was so bad because his parents didn't love him he had all the cars the money everything but they were just paying for babysitters and paying for this while they were going off around the world so he never had that love from his parents he killed himself he actually killed himself he had enough for his mental health to go that bad for his parents not to love him and stuff like that and he came from that really rich background he had to do himself in see where we grind through the life from cancer and stuff like that we kind of like we get tougher from a young age and he's strong don't get me wrong a lot of people I know would have been killed like killed themselves and stuff like that but I think sometimes like if you're from that background that maybe your head's not as strong as what we are we're crying that crying is strong maybe like you're just quite weak so you don't know what background you're from but I respect all backgrounds whether you're from a posh background or a cancerous state background any mental health is mental health what affects me might affect someone worse what affects them worse might affect me do you know what I mean there's definitely levels of trauma and mental health but again at that stage everybody's drinking and taking drugs and fucking gambling and if you're doing all that your mental health is going to go at some point so as if you can eliminate your negatives exercise a bit try and speak out but speaking out you can only speak so much without fucking being a hindrance do you know what I mean there's only so many times you can say that you need to get your fucking head out of your ass there's only so much advice you can give someone and they're just repeating the same cycles you need to do new parts new things to then create a better future for yourself when are you when are you you're happiest do you get happy still what about the say yeah need to see why I don't know I can't even explain it to you I don't know my sister Rachel's the same you got upset and you're going to see yeah I do yeah I kind of like look out to the sea and I like it when it's like dust gets a bit dark you hear the waves and look at the sky and look at the sea and I think mate like what is life all about what is all about I always question like what am I supposed to do do you know what I mean like say like you've only got a certain amount of time left say like at the age we are now how many sun summers have we got left 15 summers left 20 summers left or 10 summers left that's it we're old so what you're doing that life what you're going to do now this is what you're meant to do your story yeah talk about man pretending to be tough going through all the misery and pain you then going to speak at schools you then going to speak at children's homes you then be alive for other people who's done with that well this is what I think my legacy is my legacy is to help even through the pain torment for a reason you're still here for a reason use it to the advantage your book will then help others people come forward then what happens is you become a light for again the people who's doesn't see any future doesn't use you probably still don't see a future you've released a book fuck say proud of you like you're doing sitting on a podcast one of the biggest podcasts about you fucking do not right no that's open so many doors and and then you go and then you start enjoying speaking about that because you always help and others you know somebody sitting in the back of the class or the fucking somebody that's scared the life go do you know what if he can do it then it makes people open up this is what it's about this is why you're here obviously you're through a lot of pain and torment there's not many people get through the other end why do you still think you're here and you're not dead I don't know I generally think it's baby because of my legacy like trying to I want to help people with mental health like I genuinely do and I and I've helped two people like this girl and this guy on my face but one of them inboxed me and was like Steve I know around our area like you're a bit of a boy blah blah we respect you who you are blah blah and I was like okay cool and he was like what what about this and I'm going through a really bad mental health about this this this and instantly I was like I could help him so I understand it's I can understand mental health like it's like my second nature so I helped him and he's alright I spoke to him today and there's another girl I've never met her in my life I don't know I know this guy a little bit but I didn't know this girl and she was going through everything kind of risks and stuff like really bad and then all of a sudden she's like said oh she spread me this massive essay it was huge and I was like are you are you doing and I was just like I can't really read that well so I've got a missus to read it for me because I'm barely see out of my left eye either and so she read it to me and I was like okay cool so I texted my number to call me when you get five minutes and I'll talk to you about what you've said as soon as she rang me I started I was just instantly like it was natural for me I started asking that question it's like where you went to grow up blah blah this this this this this before you knew it I sort of knew why her life had gone the way it was I could see it before she'd seen it so then I guided her the right way and I spoke to her about three weeks ago and she was like my last go really well I'm going to the gym I'm training I feel good about myself gym is one of the best for mental health it is the best and you know walking don't run walking and put in some like and don't walk with like crazy oh would I kill you music on walk with some really nice relaxing music on the music or no music and you'll find who you are and like I said music's got different frequencies on it so you can fuck about your mind city I used to listen to fucking the game in two parking yeah and I was fucking ready to kill some cunt yeah I was angry and now I understand frequencies now where that's why my brain was fried you're going to the gym to feel good not feel worse so you're coming out buzzing people listen to music all the time the radio in the car earphones at the gym it's constant whatever you're feeding your mind so important do you know what I mean I think like when we used to go out when we were younger and stuff like the boxing was on there's always a fight it's like you'd get ready you get dressed up now and we'd like back in the day he's like it sounds a bit fucked up but a fight in the fuck was our night get some testosterone and release it but we'd go out we'd get all me and all the boys together about five or six of us and all of us were like good boxers and fight like everyone was fighters we'd get on them and we'd get them a gear and I'd be like yes tonight's boxing got scrapped and I hate shit I mean like what if you lost it's not when the hardest man in the world could fight and beat I got punched up loads of times not like punched up was in like I got I lost fights but like dormant it's scrapped me on the side that I've been put on their ass get back I'm gonna fight and stuff like that but you just have to scrap it out or whatever it is I was more of like I'm gonna do the next day secretly do you know what I mean I've kind of that guy and like I'm in loads of times cold and he's just gonna ring me up and go don't do it but do it this way or I'll get one of my good pals the Reaper ring me up and be like Steve listen to me son and I listen to him loads because he's very educated but anyway we go to town and we'll get the scraps on and that as soon as you start watching boxing boxing is going on everyone they're like yeah yeah yeah and then literally I knew one of my pals from Brattano is everyone knows this guy as well he just is sitting there going yeah and he'd be doing this so he's thinking he's a bit of a nutter you know shall I say he's not waiting he's not waiting anyway everyone knows this guy he kind of is and he's got glasses smashed over there and he'd go off and he's an important guy to start a fight and it was just constant like and it was just normal like for him to put a glass over his head and fight the whole people in the club and we'd all start a fight and go outside scrapping when there's good through and that and everyone and people would be knocked out on the floor and be like oh he got knocked out yes oh he got knocked out he got knocked out I used to do a thing where I scrapped the night before when I used to drink and the next day I used to dread the texas sorry about that sorry about that I just want to apologize I'd have to say sorry to him for the night before but yeah that was quite mad what's the worst thing about being on the 8th of clean the worst thing living a lie living a big lie this is a lot of bullshit it's a big lie it's a lot of bullshit um the only time I'm interested now is if someone fucks with my family that's it I'm not interested in here anymore genuinely I can't be asked I just want to like I kind of like yeah I said I think that my legacy now with the mental health kind of like help people get myself off I've got my missus now I'm really like really happy for the first time in a relationship I genuinely feel like it's going to last whereas my other ones I kind of self sabotage them I think one of my worst things as well I had I've got three kids from one of my exes I've got two sons and a girl and uh I've got my first born son so when a guy gets a boy in his life it's like I've got a son yes and she gave me two kids she gave me two boys so I've got Riley and Tommy and Lily I've never really had Charles to even meet my little girl but when I had like Riley she gave me a son I was like yes you know when you do your thing you've got a son then she had like literally a year later I've got another boy I'm like two boys a year apart oh my god like that's like for me because I'm a really good boxing trainer I was like I'll get straight in then I'll start teaching them the boxing and then they can go straight into the ABAs and I'll start training them and that kind of stuff but her family looked at it like violence no they were quite posh they didn't like all that I'd take them out hunting we'd go kill a pheasant I'd teach them how to pluck it get it cook with it oh no that's taught today you're going to mentally torture your kid it's fucking normal but I was classed as the wrong one do you know what I was saying yeah I'm insane but I'm teaching my kid one-hands defend himself I'll show them nothing but love I loved my boys I loved my kids and I'd take them out with me it was hard obviously she had three kids I've always said to every single person that I've been with she was like the girl I was with at the time she was brilliant in the relationship she genuinely was really good to me back then I was like now I've grown up a lot I mean I've had to learn a lot and I've grown up a lot in myself but I was a fucking relationship like I self-sabotaged it I was like fuck off always going out didn't give a shit about relationship come in when I want at the end of the relationship when we broke up and I understand why I mean we broke and it was just like I was no good it was no good for me to be in that relationship but what killed me again was like I feel like everything's been taken away from my life all the time when I love something it's taken away from me it's taken away so that's why you self-sabotage so obviously before we broke up together she died enough, hard enough and then she went away, I went my way, whatever and I went to see my kids at hers they would like no you're not seeing your kids whatever and then I hope the police come around and I managed to get my kids and take them to the park I'd done nothing wrong I actually done nothing wrong so I dropped the kids back at one o'clock so I took the kids back at one o'clock I was taking them to the park dropped them off next to me I was getting injunctions served at me I had to go in the house after I got to the contact centre and I always said to her I would never go to the contact centre I'm not having social services back in my life at this age now when I've been through the system my whole entire life I'm not a good, I'm not a bad dad at all, people don't know me now I'm a really good dad like they genuinely know that about me I love my kids, I see all my kids other than them my eldest kid like I speak to her every day we have good laughs and jokes I mean I'm always through, I tell her I love her every day same with my other two kids I see my kids later and tomorrow I love my kids, I spend every day on my kids and my ex-miss is now even though she's my ex she's one of the best dads like regardless of relationship I'm a good dad and I love my boy Riley and Tommy I didn't get a chance to sweetly but I still love Lily, she's still my kid but to have them taking away stuff like that I think that was wrong you shouldn't have done that he's 10 years ago he's hard yeah, that killed me and I tell you what, that's probably one of the only times in my life other than the rape thing for me it killed me, it ripped my heart out she thinks that I wanted to go and see my kids to try and get back at her so that was actually wrong I love my kids I'd love to have gone out at the time and my sisters tried speaking to her I sent her sister essays that I've kept and took screenshots of to say that I tried to contact her to try and see her what age are your kids now? I've got three kids and so Riley and they'd be about 12 11, 12 it's sad man because you know the destruction of life I don't give a date about it I don't give a date about it because my brain is gone yeah, but that's what it's all about, it's family family is everything on it there's nothing else matters but less and I've got kids to deal with and it's difficult sometimes but fathers have got legal rights so I tried to go to the court and I fought for a year in court and I went in there with my sister and stuff like that because you were previous? nah, I went to a contact centre and I hadn't seen my kids in months and they were hanging off my legs crying their eyes out crying their eyes out, I was crying and the woman came up to me and said you've got to stop crying because it's meant to be messing the kids up with me and the kids and instantly my head's gone I was like take these fucking kids away from me now get them off me, get them off me then and I took it as an attack to me I walked out I said get them off me, get them off me now you've got to think about my mental health it's what I'm saying, think about your kids, fuck you it's not about you Steve, what do you mean it's not about me I've just been through hell and back in my life I've had nothing but social services and the great whatever that happened to me and born in schools, children's homes, prisons beating, stabbing, I've had up in stamp twice I've had it all and what you think I'm going to go and let these people then talk to me like I'm an idiot and make me feel bad, my mental health's going mental I'm crying, I'm breaking down mentally in my head, I'm breaking down because I want to see my kids why am I having to come in here why are you telling me that you're going to turn away the meat of my kids if I don't stop crying who says that Joe? Joe, I've been like I haven't seen my kids in months when did you get stabbed? I was stabbed in prison on the rally wing as I was walking up the stairs I got a massive scar on my groin I got stabbed as I was going up the stairs that was bad and it got done on me back when I was in that place I got slashed as well because of my back and my neck what was it like coming I know you went bang for for the big but how's it feel now it's been complete and you've got something positive coming out of your life ah, you still need to be somewhere and I'm like yeah a bit yeah maybe a bit nervous now but more like people now going to know me inside out it's like people are like oh shit whereas people don't even know me I'm quite reserved people know me personally people don't even know me on the streets it's like what else is there in your life it's kind of like people are now going to know my life it's like they're in my life now and tell me who I am and who I am as a person it's like then you're going to be judged and then you can always tell when I'm talking about it don't look at the comments because you're going to get 100 comments down there saying good I hope you was right blah blah because they're trollers and they just love to just chat crap so that's quite nerve it's not nice to have that kind of stuff said about it yeah but you're going to get a lot of love and support listen people in is ruthless we make out there's less than ourselves out there but people who write negative comments are in pain themselves they'll say hurt people hurt people it's a classic saying people are just obviously it's triggered points that's people are seeing there's a lot of envy and jealousy because they can't get to certain levels they can't make changes they can't speak out against their trauma do you know what I mean anybody it's it doesn't matter who you are life if you're a good guy you're a good guy and if you're a dick you're a dick no matter what we've all made mistakes come through life with some sort of fucking struggle no matter who you are but listen you've came through it that's the main thing you've came through it you've got your book out how can people get in contact with your social medias and stuff if anybody wants to reach out and say they've been through the same thing yeah so I've got the instagrams and facebook and all that sort of stuff done there is a youtube channel he's done it's all along with Crazy Steve that's what it's all every single one of them is alone with Crazy Steve or alone with Crazy Steve UK or alone with Crazy Steve 22 but I think most of them are alone with Crazy Steve or alone with Crazy Steve UK but I don't know how I just sort of saw that outside and got a clue he's like my manager so where do you go forward for the future Steve what are your plans for the future well the book's got to come out I've got to do a book signing just slide now I'm like what do you do with a book signing I've got these banners being done and I've got like behind me with a book page and stuff and then I've signed in books and stuff like that um yeah so I'll have that coming up I've got um a couple of talk shows coming up I think that Jay's sorting out now other than that like it's like there's a film company that I think getting involved don't want to try and think about maybe doing a movie or a series that's what it's all about yeah books then become a script for it's just a case of making money from your pain and like I say the more you talk about it the more you actually relax from it and go you know what fuck it it's my pain I own it people know what I've been through if they don't like it they can fuck off nobody's going to support you for what you've been through really really good people anyway do you know what I mean fuck everybody off just try and get what you can finish it you're strong hopefully I don't know in the future maybe see your kids again I genuinely don't know the circumstances it's hard isn't it because like when you get like when it's like an ex it's like I don't know how she's like fuck you to me it's still now but I see when people I've heard of myself man they become better with the kids and using his weapons and tools but listen you're probably where others can in his will and they're probably thinking would you want your kids raised by you at that time if you feel like drinking drugs and violence you wouldn't really do you know what I mean yeah but they probably think they're doing the right thing no matter what was going on do you know what I mean because of your past and your mental health and your mood swings that's not an environment to be raising kids because that would have done your damage with you there and actually not being there so now if you're in a good place and you start doing well then it's a chance to fight back and go listen I'm in a good place I wasn't in a fight and chance there because your head was fucked I think my daughter's like turning 16 next week so my daughter's yeah she's turning 16 next week and an incident happened not long ago where the social involved not from me from one of her family members obviously who and they come up to me and they was like about my daughter what had happened I said speak to my daughter like this that and other and the police were involved and the social services and they turned around to my daughter I was like well how's your dad I've been like because they sort of heard and know who I am and she was like my dad's brilliant she's like this is where it's so good like back then my kids never had a voice and now my kids got older she's now got a voice so the whole of her life she knows me because obviously I look after her how many kids you go all in? 6 how many do you have at mums? 3 I start 2 but I'm 3 and 3 yeah but I do think that men are just fucking it's back see back then I didn't think I'd make 30 I just want kids around me I would be happy to have kids with anybody back then not anybody but I would just didn't think and then obviously it's the destruction hell of my kids I'm with my kids all the time but it's the destruction that causes another one's little sake here not being from a stable household stepmoms or stepdads I actually don't like broken homes I can't stand broken homes broken homes for me is the worst I think you failed I think you failed as parents broken homes for me is like you should try and sort stuff out you've got to try and sort stuff out to bring give these kids like the best chance the best chance it comes as the kids future because everybody everybody that comes from the broken home you see the destruction it causes in that later than life what was it like when you started did your dad know everything now? yeah well dad doesn't think my dad actually came out of my house and apologised to me and it was the first time he'd ever said anything to me like that properly and she got to me a bit made me feel like oh god I take stuff that act right to heart made me a bit upset I thought well fair play to him do you cry a lot? I'd look at crying as a weakness do you? that's a strength I know but like recently probably fucking time though lesson as a man is good to now and again but not all the time you've got to push through the pain because I had a lot this last two and a half years while in this book it's been literally like a roller coaster days like we got a lot of love book on this book being wrote it's like mad I had to stop the book for different reasons and stuff like but I've had like illnesses like where I've got really ill when I was in hospital and then breaking up in a year relationship with my kids then meeting who I personally think is the love of my life like actually and then get married get married congratulations cheers I think about that every woman that comes out of my life thought it's the one V1 flier and the fucking psychos be honest with you James I'll be honest with you you know every woman that I've ever been with and people that I know I've dabbled with and stuff like that I know their backgrounds I know where they come from that their relationship is not going to last forever I know the instant the minute I meet them but I'll wing it use it for our own chat if you feel good when you're on your own let's do this got a nice car going in there they're always at the end of it it's never going to work the way you expect it to work and I genuinely mean people that know me know this I would never I wouldn't put my name to someone like that if I didn't think it was going to last and I think with like my mrs now Sophie I think she's genuinely like so my mrs she's only had like a few men she's not like at all she didn't have a man for five years she's not like that kind of girl so she doesn't care about all the I want a man kind of thing she's quite like she does well I met her she's done tree surgery so she was like physically like fitted strong she's a bit of a nutter herself she scraps it out she's been stabbed in her face like yeah she's like she's like that she's been that kind of background but she literally like when I first started like seeing that she like where women usually tell you they're going to do oh I love you I do this for you I do that for you she showed me so they told me I was going for a really bad time with the book my mental health writing stuff about my past and it really did bring up my mental health and I went back to the yard broke up with my ex my kids it was like it was so toxic and then I went back to my yard and I'll never forget it I was crying my eyes out and I was screaming at the clouds saying just fucking take me just take me I'm done I'm done and as I said that she walked in the yard she walked into like where my container was and she just took all my clothes and just went and washed them and I saw what she did and I carried on and I was in a bad way but I sort of like suck it up because she walked in do you know what I mean come back in she could just run you a bath but she had to she was the traveler because I run you a bath I was like cool when in there I sat in the bath she put all candles around it and I just sit in the bath place and I was like weird but okay cool then she done me food she made me a drink and I sat on the sofa like a sofa and she rubbed my feet until I went to sleep and I hadn't slept properly in months and I fell asleep and I wake up at 7 o'clock in the morning I woke up and she had gone because she kind of worked and she she had made some food on the side I think there was a drink I can't remember but it was all like a bit blurry and I was just like what the fuck is this and then she left and then she takes my message saying hope you're really well look if you need anything I'm here and I was like of course she got away and I come out and I just gone back into my yard and something and I thought well I suck it up sort yourself out that night she takes me like well all day she was saying to me are you okay do you need anything blah blah and then she sort of left me to it and then if she like just done things for me like then I'll wash in again and then I went back in because I was running a bath tonight so I went back in she took my clothes I had a bath by the time I come out she had already put them in the washing machine and I was like what I got you some fresh ones from yesterday and she had already folded them and put them up and I was like what the fuck is going on my head was like mad like and we still didn't get together like she just was really there for me then I had to go I had a hospital appointment in Winchester because I had some really bad illness stuff I'll talk about it later on and like and I ended up I had a really important scan and I didn't want to fucking fight to go I didn't have a car at the time so I had to walk to my ex-missies her car blew up so I gave her my car to get the kids to school so I didn't have a car because I had no money my god so I gave her my car so I then went to I walked to the bus stop I got the bus to Winchester Hospital goes off sitting there and then I get a phone call from Sophie I was like where are you at I said I'm at the hospital I was on my back I said I was on the buses she was like you've got a bus I was like I've got a car so I'm in there like for about another hour and a half comes out and she's sat in the car by waiting for me didn't even ask she's just like she was there and then every appointment I had after that all the scans and all the scans and I had this like bloody thing going on and then she was just sat with me for four and a half hours five hours just didn't say anything she just didn't talk to me she was quiet she just sat there but just being by my side you know that's a rock do you know what I mean I didn't help my deaf to his part that's what I'm worried about that's all men one you just want somebody there just we don't ask for much we're simple fucking creatures maybe I don't speak for everybody but for me it's just for somebody to love you I want a housewife some days raises a good family in the kitchen and people say I'm a chauvinist I'm not I'll go and provide I don't drink I'll be home every night I'll go every weekend and provide that life I just feel this feminine and masculine energies it works to a T men and women both need each other but men are simple all you need to do is love a man respect a man and don't fight and argue if there is talk about it I feel as if everybody's argumentative now and yeah it's not good for nobody men are very fragile beans we are I watch a podcast actually another one I actually write this girl Sadia Sadia she's good she's actually really good but nah it's Pedro yeah Pearl so I watch Pearl quite a lot and she's got good really good things women obviously hate her because she goes against women but I don't think she's going against women so much like pearly things in it I don't think she's going against women so much I think she's like trying to say this is what men are like men don't care about that so I do I hate Pearls but there's another one Fresh and Fit from America have you seen that yeah they've been on Fresh and Fit mate big up Fresh and Fit but I'm telling you now Fresh and Fit mate is sick because I actually watched them quite a lot like I actually do and Zercher is so sick Zercher cracks me up but yeah Fresh and Fit I tell you what I learnt from them is they keep saying like in quite a few of their podcasts that I asked men with Dayton McDonald's worker I was someone that's got the blingy car and the flash that and all I call them mirror girls they're like it's old but I would date yeah but women wouldn't date a man but they wouldn't women crave they crave attention we crave respect 100% if you just men are loyal as well but if they're not feeling that loyal at home they do wonder they wonder yeah and women it's just weird how it's all went backwards we're brought on this planet to produce kids we're brought on this planet to raise loving families it's all fucking backwards now we get it but men are simple man all we need is a fucking knees-cooked dinner and just be told we're doing good enough and I'll prove it over and you crave that when you're getting things back all the two heart goes back you're heart just crazed yeah I went in with my missus the other day I picked my daughter up from ex-missus house and she was in the front and obviously I got one of them like T5 camper van things I've got that and I've got an Audi R8 but I've got quite a few cars but the T5 camper van's got like all the like seven seats in the back and it goes down into a bed in that but when my daughter was in the front my missus I then picked my missus up after so I went and picked her up she sat in the back and as soon as I picked her up I said baby got in the car I went and she started massaging my back she's like yeah you're right just for about five minutes see that that's what we we crave that we crave that like I feel like I shouldn't have to do that to me but she makes before I she's there and she loves me you know it's like that that really nice caring that continuous caring you know when that runs out and that all stops and they start going funny and stuff like that's when we wonder yeah it's because we sense that and then we go what's up we know something's wrong then we get paranoid then we get insecure yeah and that's when the arguments start because we're not daft we feel things as well there's some of these quite often you go it's a bit hard and then because you just want to love you again yeah and that's when it ends up fucking you smother it or whatever it is it just destroys it but how are you feeling telling your story today do you feel better? I feel good with you James you're quite good I feel comfortable with you listen you're smashed we'll get apart too we can get to find deeper obviously that's just to promote your book understand a bit about you Steve and just fucking keep smashing it but would you like to finish up on anything else brother? nah that's it mate that's all good yeah and where can people buy your book? Amazon so it's gonna be on Amazon this Friday so it'll be on Amazon and then it's gonna do like a book launch and then pre-order is it they do a pre-order and then it'll then assist itself for anybody watching this for me being through that leaf or struggle the same as yourself what advice would you have for them? to be honest if if you're going through anything especially like mental health and stuff like that I say to all my friends that you have to have goals goal-setting and there's a thing that we've lost is pen to paper we've lost that it's all phones concentrating and eyeballing TV screens there's something really beautiful about pen to paper brainstorming on pen to paper if you're gonna get a bit of paper and just write down how you're feeling how you can like set a goal for a week to two weeks to three weeks to four weeks six months and do baby steps so say next week I'm gonna go fucking Legoland with my kids because they don't have to be about men they can be about families as well women that ain't got a father or something in their life so I'm gonna go to Legoland next week even though I don't do nothing on my life and then after that you can say well the week after I'm gonna go and I'm gonna they ain't got a job they can start looking for a job and say well I'll apply for these jobs or I'm gonna start building like businesses or anything like that any just keep your brain occupied it's got to be occupied if you don't occupy your brain your brain does itself in you start thinking thinking thinking thinking if I don't occupy myself I go straight back quite quickly I say slowly but I go back quite quickly I go back to my past and I start thinking thinking thinking that's why I'm like people know I've had so many different businesses because I just I get one minutes finish I feel like oh no I'm gonna crack up again so I go and set another up oh no I'm gonna crack up again so I keep changing but goal settings the main thing like I know people who won't leave the house because they're paranoid they've got like panic attacks so I said to them like just take baby steps just like you know go to your front door then outside the door then have a walk around the street but write it down on paper I feel that's the main thing is writing it down and trying to goal set do you know what I mean that for mental health definitely mate Steve, listen mate proud of you brother I wish you nothing but the best for the future good luck with the book and listen bro see you soon yeah thank you bro