 You're listening to highlights from The David Feldman Show, heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio, or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube. Please subscribe to this channel. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Oh, okay. Little Things in Life. It's the little things in life that make you happy. And I came into the studio and Alex drilled a hole in the table. Uh-huh. You like that hole? I mean, do you think that he personally drilled that hole? I think that maybe he got a new hole? I don't know. Or this has already been in there. Listen, I'm an expert on holes in wooden objects that are... Oh, I bet you've gotten some splinters on that dick. Bet you have. Mom, just...anyway... Can a wooden doll divorce you, too? Or is that just real women? You know, David Letterman, you stab his mother on. This is my mother. Hi, mom. Hi, um...very disappointed. With me? With what you've done with your life. I know. But you... I heard of all those dumb horror wives. They sucked. They were never good enough for my bubola. I should be holding kegel. I always get it mixed up. My mom, you always did. So you were supposed to make kegel. But I would squeeze my pussy over it. Yeah. You're tight young fingers. This is not going well. I've got to go. You say to my kids, you want to taste my kegel. You want to taste some of Grammy's kegel. Yeah. Yeah. And we... And they did. And what did they think? They said... A little more savory than they were expecting, I think. You say it's tight. Now, mom, you're eating bacon. I brought bacon to your Jew podcast. What are you eating? Is that turkey bacon? No, it's regular bacon. It's two sides of bacon. Because the store next to my house likes to only give me two pieces of bacon. You're eating bacon and a banana. Because I can't eat eggs and I can't eat a lot of things because it makes me diarrhea. It gives you diarrhea. But you know that, son. Yes. So, should we talk about diarrhea? Yeah. I have a theory about diarrhea. It's your... I think it's a New York phenomenon. Okay. I think that you have 12 million people living on top of one another and there isn't enough Purell. There's like trickle down diarrhea. Do you think diarrhea has ever leaked through a ceiling? Because I know like pee and shit has, but like actual diarrhea. You know what I'm talking about when like a toilet's not in? They haven't like bolted the toilet in enough? I feel like you're laughing too hard at this. I was asking just a regular question. I know. It's just like when my... Well, it's... I could talk about... All I want to do is talk about diarrhea. I'll talk about half my sets about diarrhea and now I don't have diarrhea anymore and I like don't know who I am. I'm like do I have to start poisoning my body again so I can have a fucking brand? I don't want the people to get confused. Does she have diarrhea or not? But I was doing daily diarrhea diaries for a while. Really? Your daily di... Really? I did it for two days. I have ADD. Things don't really last. I don't have much while. I did too. They weren't even on consecutive days. I just spit bacon on to you. Annie Letterman. It's Letterman. Well, we can talk about that for a sec. The pronunciation. Because I know you're a Jew and Jews, I don't know, have problems with everything but I wanted to explain the pronunciation of my last name. Okay. My dad's father pronounced it Letterman but we don't like him so my dad changes to Letterman and we just say Letterman now. He was a dick. Bye. So then that's how you legally don't have to change your last name if you wanted to zone a family member. You just change the pronunciation. Well, we'll talk about Father's Day. Your dad, you get along with your dad. He's my number one, my favorite person. That's amazing. I feel bad for my mom. She knows I bought a necklace that says mom on it just to try to make her feel better about it but she knows I want a dad necklace and I want it to be a little bit bigger. And when you're hanging upside down from the Vietnamese spin-share it says wow. So it's not really mom. That's true. With my family. On family vacation when they spin me upside down. Letterman. Okay. Like as in Dave Letterman. It's like Dave Letterman. But I would say no T is 1D. That's what I used to say when you were allowed to say tranny because then they could remember tranny, Annie, no T is 1D. But then I did have a guy. I said that to a male flight attendant once. We call them, come on. I don't call you a comedian. You just call him. I call you a comic. Why do you have to say male flight attendant? Why can't you say homosexual American? He was, listen, I'll tell you. It turns out he was straight because I got an email. Uh-huh. Because my email is just my name. Oh, fuck. Nobody email me, please. But um, shit. But so he emails me after I met him and I said that thing and he's like, hey, I just, I looked up your email and I wanted to email you. And I was just curious, is that true? So this was this older flight attendant man who I guess thought that I really was like a trans girl and he was like, I'm gonna be your papa. Wow. And I had to write him back and be like, I was totally just kidding. But thank you for reminding me how small my tits are that that was very beautiful. And how broad my shoulders are. I was obviously a swimmer. But I did not swim into Pussy's as a man, ever. Just as a woman. Just a nice college grad. So a woman who's very attractive. Uh-huh. Invited me over to watch television. This is unbelievable. I know. Me. In the apartment. Okay. She wants to watch the Tonys with me. She thinks you're gay. I said, are we gonna eat donuts and talk about it? Does that eat her out? Is that the, you're like, are we gonna eat donuts? Is that your hole? It's so annoying when comics go blue. I hate it. Anyway, go ahead. Don't you think if a woman who's very attractive feels safe, feels that I'm safe enough to come over and watch the Tonys with her. She thinks I'm gay. How old is she though? I don't want to get into specifics. No, but just, is she younger or older than? Yeah. Yeah. Relatively? Well, everybody's relatively. A lot younger than you. Everybody's a lot younger than me. Because you might have gotten into the dad zone, which is something men of your age. I have never said that before. And I'm 100% writing a joke about this. But if you get in the dad zone where it's like, oh, we see as a father figure, you guys are always trying to fuck us when we're young. And then so we don't know that you're trying to bang us. We don't know that because you're a comedian and comedians can get laid different than other guys, right? Why? Because you're funny. You have a currency that's not the same as other men. Tell me about the dad zone. The dad zone. I don't want to be in the dad. That's creepy. Then fuck some bitches your own age, asshole. That's right. But are there women who have daddy issues that they resolve with? Yeah, for sure. I think they do. Obviously. I mean. Don't you think, let me ask you this. Do you think most women have unresolved daddy issues? The same way, because Freud refused to touch on this. He just threw up his hands, said, I don't know what women want. Give me some cocaine. Yeah. He's like, I love coke. Because even Freud couldn't figure out women. And I'm not, I know you don't speak for a woman, but do you think, given that all men have mommy issues, don't you think all women have unresolved daddy issues? Yeah, we have daddy issues. We have mommy issues. We all, there's like, I don't know, I obviously can only speak for myself, but for sure, big issues with my dad. But I also have like weird shit with my mom. I think parents are just hard, but I'm really lucky I have the best. Right, but fathers, we should move on. No, we can keep going. Okay, I think a mother can smother a son. The old mother smother. The mother smother. My favorite wrestling move. It's when you take your kids and you offer them Google, but you kegel on them. The mother smother. The mother smother. And nobody says that's creepy. Nobody will ever say it's creepy that a mother smothers and controls her son. There's nothing creepy about, you know, it's not healthy. A mama's boy, hey, he's a mama's boy. But this is just my prejudice. This is what I think. I think a father who tries to smother his daughter is... Trying to fuck. There's something a little creepy about that. Or it's more possession and like treating your daughter as like an object that you want to protect and keep a certain way, but she's like her own person. Okay, this is important to me, and I'm not trying to, but this is... You're welcome. Okay, you agree that you meet me, right? Dad's on immediately. Okay, if I told you I'm a bit of a mama's boy, my mother controls my life. I talk to her three times a day. I have to take her shopping. I'm taking her to play poker tonight. I take my mother to the movies. This is how I see it. It's creepy. It's disgusting. But you get it. Yeah, we saw Psycho. We saw the movie. We know you're dragging around a corpse, dude. Why are people so cool with you dragging this corpse to fucking poker night? Hang on. Take a breath. I'm being serious. Be serious. Okay, they're... Yeah, I don't know. You don't think the mother's trying to bang the son, though, right? I don't think the father is always trying to bang the daughter unless we're talking about the president. But it's like... I mean, do you see her recoil? Do you see her recoil? Hang on. I just laughed, and here's what Siri said. Which email address from that guy? My laugh. Siri takes my laugh at... Hey, Siri. Got... Hang on. Hey, Siri. Can you give me... Email address. That's what my laugh sounds like. But I liked his email address was good. What was it? Something picnic? We have to... No, I put my email in and he puts his. Everybody email him instead of me. All my inquiries go through that guy's email. Hey, has anybody done a bit about Siri talking back to you while you're having sex? Somebody must have done that. Probably. Because Siri... I don't know how to turn Siri off, and I laughed, and she thought I was asking for this Matt Giler guy. What do you think Siri would think your sex sounded like? I recall nine months. A flat line? Is someone dead in there? I sense no movement. There's some light weeping. And it's male, unfortunately. I'll order new sheets immediately. Yes. So, I'll move on. No, we can talk about it. I feel like you have something you want to say. No, no. I want to know your opinion that if a man says, blubba dee, blubba dee, blubba dee, my mother, my mother, my mother, my mother. I lived with my mother until I was 80. Now I'm ready to date. You're 80? Yeah. I'm a little older than that. I was like 82. I had work done. I love hurting men, but it just feels so good. You know I was born, so I have a twin brother, and I was born breech after him. What does breech mean? I came feet first, but he was born first, regular head first. So I came feet first, which means that I kicked him out of the womb. Which I thought was a joke, and my mom was like, no, the doctor said you kicked him out. So I was just born to a masculine woman, to a masculine man. But in a masculine, it's my brother if I call him a woman. So there you go. Tell me about Father's Day. Your dad has a ponytail. Well, he grew out his mullet for family vacation. He just knows how to be fun. He knows what's going to be good. So he grew out a mullet for family vacation. My mom cuts his hair, and so I just put in a ponytail, and he just left it in for the whole day, and it was really exciting. First marriage? Mm-hmm. So you guys have been married for 44 years, I think? That's amazing. Yeah, my dad was working at Penn, or he was going to Wharton or something, and he was in his early 30s. He might have been 30 or 31, and my mom was going to Tufts in Boston, and they both were friends with opposite sexes of a couple, and the couple hated them as third wheels, so they set them up. No. So they met up, and then they dated only for like six months long distance, and then got married. My mom was only 22, so they're nine years apart. And you're Quaker, so they're from Pennsylvania? Well, my dad's from upstate New York, and my mom's from near the Connecticut border of New York, but she just decided to raise us Quakers. She worked at a Quaker school and liked it, so we're two. And Quakers, it comes from Quaking. It's almost like a clitoral orgasm, right? Well, I'm always masturbating in Quaker meetings, so. But don't you Quake? Isn't there like a Quake? Yeah. What does Quaking mean? So originally it was about that everyone sits in silence facing each other, and it's supposed to be that God is speaking through you and you're moved to speak, so you stand and speak, but it was a little crazier back in the day. In your day or back in the day? No, back in like the, I don't know when. When Ben Franklin was doing it? Yeah, I mean, probably definitely before him. I don't really know the timeline of Quakerism. I'm pretty, I'm pretty chill on learning facts, so I'm pretty like relaxed and laid back about any sort of learning or knowledge, but. Barbara Bush. I'm doing a joke, by the way. Just attention everybody, I'm about to make a joke. We know because you get your, ah, Barbara Bush. Uh-huh. Barbara Bush is Quaker. Really? Well, she's on the Quaker Oats box. Do you remember when he told me it was a joke and then I still believed him? I was like, what? Are you serious? She is. I'm done making my joke. But then it was throwing me into telling me about there's programmed and unprogrammed Quakers, so Quakerism believes that God's in the form of an interlite and I'm unprogrammed Quaker, so it's God's in the form of an interlite that's in everyone, everything. Right. So that's why we're pacifists and everything's chill and we're try to be kind and whatever. Richard Nixon was a Quaker. Yeah, well, I mean, then there's unprogrammed Quakers, so I don't know which one he was. I'm assuming he was unprogrammed. But... Do you wear buttons? No, it's not Amish. I think a lot of people think Amish. I thought Quakers... We don't churn butter. And I thought Quakers aren't allowed to wear anything militaristic. Yeah, I guess you're not supposed to wear, but you can do whatever you want in Quakerism because Quakerism is all about openness and interlite and stuff, so you can be gay, Jewish, you can be anything you want. You can be a non-believer. You can be anything. So I could become a Quaker. Yeah. You can go to Quaker meeting whenever you want. Have a good time. Is Jesus part of this? Because that's the deal killer for me. I mean, it doesn't have to be. I mean, I remember going to Quaker meeting every Sunday and there was one woman who ran the first day of school who would make us color in Jesus stuff, but I don't know anything. Nobody ever taught me anything about the Bible or brought it up to me rather than her. You understand that the Jesus thing is... Because you killed him. We didn't kill him. We hired the Romans. You gave him a good run for his money, though, didn't you? We didn't kill him. Technically, the Nails killed him, but we didn't kill him. Right. My uncle Murray was there and he said, fold his legs. Do you have a Murray? Yeah. Just tell him to cross his legs so we could use one nail. Don't waste. That's a good ju-ju. Do you have an Uncle Murray? Do you have an Uncle Murray? Such a good ju-name. I know, which is... Murray. Murray. But Sam from Philly said Murray. By the way, the Jesus thing is just whatever it is, I'm against it. So in other words, if you're for Allah, I'm against it. If you're for Jesus, I'm against it. All right, Bill Maher, let's hear that hard R. Ooh. Go ahead. No, I was just making fun of your... No, no, you just threw me. I threw you? Yeah, that got me. Sorry. I don't want to got you. So... But yeah, it's creepy for moms. I mean, it's creepy for both I guess. I want to talk about Quakers. Oh, and then so you were supposed to have shook... You were shaking because God was peeking through you, but nobody's shaking. People are just talking... But my brother told me that I like... I was just hanging out with my twin brother because his daughter was turning five. She's so cute. Shout out to Risi. I hope you enjoyed all this other stuff I talked about. I'll talk about squirting later. Pegging. I can't wait to teach you about pegging, girl. You talked about squirting. I'm squirting out of my butt. I'm a butt squirter. Every time I come, I just diarrhea out of my ass. I'm so glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here too. I'm excited to do your podcast. Great. I just... But so... Your dad. My brother said... No, but so my brother said that when we were going to Quaker meeting, I would stand up and say like really profound shit. And I always thought I would talk about like Somalia. Like I would hear like something on the news. And then I would just... I don't know. I liked to have do that. But he said that I would stand up. He said once I stood up and I went... Do you ever think... And this is... How old were you? Probably like third grade. Okay. And I was like do you ever sit in bed at night and think about how it's so crazy that you're you. And that there's all these other universes. I don't know if I said universes. There's all these other people living all these other lives and they're them. And thinking about how it's their life. And like my teachers could not be my teachers. But they are. Do you ever think about that? And that's something I still think about all the time. But it was funny my brother brought it up to me because it was like a question I was about to pose while we were smoking weed around a fire. It was so fun. It was like a fire pit. My brother... Like it was just like so fun. I probably shouldn't say that. My family members... You're younger than your brother. I'm six minutes younger than him. But we're born at midnight. So we have two different birthdays. Wow. Yeah. I came kick... I kicked him out on one day and then I was born the next. And being younger and being serious are you more of the rebel than he is? Usually the older sibling is more of the control freak and speaks for the parents. Well I have an older brother too. So my older brother is three years older than there's Max and then me. But I... Yeah I was the for sure the juvenile delinquent and stuff like that. But I was also the only girl. I also I think being the only girl faced some things in life that men and boys don't have to deal with. Like what? Just being... I don't know. Like molested. Having a pee sitting down? No, molested, assaulted, treated inappropriately by adults all the time. I think it was just a different life. That just happened in the last five minutes. And that was just from this grandpa. No but just like you know fucked up shit. Did fucked up shit happen to you? Yeah. Did you talk about that in your act? I don't... I mean sometimes I actually like want to start talking about it because I realized if you say diddle people are like chill with it. What? If you say you were diddled or someone was diddled. Yeah. Then they're okay with it. Diddle is the word. But I think that so many people were fucked when they were kids or whatever. You know what I mean? Like I don't think my experience of course is just my own and it's not as extreme as a lot of other experiences and I'm not like... And I'm also like a full person and I feel really good about who I am now. Definitely after the election was a little rough but... So let's talk about... By the way I don't do the kind of show where I try to make people open up. I mean obviously because you got all those fucking one-liners you're trying to throw in. You can get in the way of those. I realize that we're all vehicles for your one-liners. Yes. Katy Perry is going through a transformation. Mm-hmm. Did you read about this that she was at the Javits Center the day Hillary was supposed to be president. Okay. And she lost and she's had this spiritual realignment where she is... Is... You're going oh god that I'm talking about. Oh god. Well she is pretty talented. She's pretty. And she's... Well but and she's... Her songs are good. Her songs are good. They're catchy. Yeah I like her songs. And she comes from a deeply religious Christian background that she's playing with. In other words she's rebelling... I think they're Pentecostal or something. It's always so crazy when you hear those stories. Right. And I knew that she came from a deeply religious background. I don't know the difference between Pentecostal and Evangelical. Yeah I don't know shit. And all that stuff. I don't even know about my own religion. But she was campaigning for Hillary. And I remember thinking knowing her background this is solely about a woman being president. That given her background she has to have conservative leanings. This is solely about getting a woman elected president. Is that important? In other words can you disagree with Hillary on everything? Can you be a pro-life laissez-faire economy laugh or curve whatever whatever whatever but because Hillary's a woman I'm going to vote for her. I mean no I guess not because she's not elected. And women voted again. I mean I don't know how women could vote for someone like Trump who's like a fucking sexual assaulter and doesn't I mean it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's absolutely unbelievable. Right I don't want to talk about Trump. But yeah no of course I don't either but I don't think I mean I don't know I'm not any of those things and I was for Hillary and I don't know. But I mean it's weird to like have a stance and stuff it's scary there's so many fucking scumbags on the internet and shit it's like you know but yeah no I think what was it voting with your pussy or whatever everyone was upset about I'm like yeah we can vote for people who ever we want whenever we want for whatever reason we want it doesn't matter it's no one's business that's crazy and weird and judgmental and it's just vote for whoever the fuck you want. Right we don't ask men why they're voting for someone. Yeah it's ridiculous you've been voting voting for men I mean I don't know she's better than fucking Trump I mean it's crazy. What are we talking about? Fathers they were Can we just talk about queefing on kids? What are we talking about? His father's day is coming up it's hard for me to shop for my dad because he's dead and his neck I like to buy him like neck ties but his neck size is always changing because he's dead so I Was he not cremated? No I keep him just like your yeah psycho Yeah I keep dad in the room with me Now your father really wasn't cremated your father's dead for real? Yes Okay and he wasn't cremated? No He was buried in a Jewish cemetery? We keep him in my basement I want to know the truth The truth? Yeah do you have like a plot you're gonna go next to him or something? I don't know how these Jewish cemeteries work I don't tell the truth on this show Okay I don't so I can't Okay You may even be alive for all I know Oh shit Everything is him So your dad What's your earliest It's weird that you brought up the topic that you really needed to talk to Well I made a joke about Having a father and now we're like How hard it is to shop for my father because he's dead That was a joke But I know I was just curious About my father I just had some questions I'm sorry I care Are you not used to women asking you questions about yourself They're not interested You gotta get out of that dad zone dude It's a control thing too For you Yeah I control the situation By what? By asking questions By keeping you Then why do you think I asked you a question Well because you're pushing back But I like to have you back on your feet But do you think that maybe I'm trying to control the situation too I know We're having an alpha off I went on a random date with this guy recently And You I didn't hear I went on a random date with this guy recently I was just at a commercial audition and he was just we were just both waiting and he just asked me if I wanted to go see a movie and I told him I only had right now and so we just impromptu went to this movie and What was the movie Wonder Woman He asked me if I wanted to see Wonder Woman It's like I should have said no immediately like nice try I don't pander motherfucker And he didn't say do you want to go to a movie he said that movie but so we went into the movie watched the movie he was like where we he bought the tickets we walk in and he can't find the like theater he's not looking at the numbers that are right in front of our faces so I just as we're going to the escalator I just go thanks for the tickets I'll outfit from here I got it we won't be seeing each other again I don't know why men get confused and they can't when they can't find the theater but why do you think he's lost and confused he's an idiot he's stupid okay let's let's let's let's think about this for a second he asked you to a movie right and he can't find he can't think straight why do you think that's going on do you think he's really he thinks he's going to fuck how about he's just intoxicated by you I'm being serious I mean here's the here's the situation it was like a fun world I live my life very like lean any like anytime there's like an opportunity for fun or an interesting story possibly could come out of something I always do it so I can see where in his head this was like a crazy whirlwind thing to have happened to me it was like not average but it wasn't unheard of for me to do something like that but I didn't but it's interesting it's just like you know when you go on internet dates and you know internet profile but you don't know if there's like any attraction at all I had a slight attraction with him in person but I didn't know any of the other information and it sucked when I got to know him I was like no he did things like I had to send an email it was like 4 30 p.m while we were watching this movie and I realized that I hadn't sent an email that I had to send a work email you sent an email I had to I had to I had to my company would have been closed by the time I was done it's like I would text I'll fucking do whatever I want during a movie I talk during movies I'm fun I make jokes it's how I live I'm not like I don't do it loud enough to be like rude but if you want to like it's just who I am it's just like I don't don't fucking go to the movies with me if you're like that I don't ever I would never tell someone not to do something I would never like silence someone I don't do that to people so when people do it to me so I'm like sending this email and he made this big deal about me doing it in the movie Wonder Woman's about to be awesome and then the fucking dude makes her weight in the bushes and I was like you just did that exact same thing to me he was like sorry it was just like things like that where I was like and then he kept going like he goes are you one of the he said are you one of those crazy girls and I was like are you one of the dudes that calls women crazy because I have no interest in that like get away from me I'm fun did you not just have so much fun was your day not better because of me because you didn't really add that much to mine and then just saying things seriously I'm like I'm gonna be fun no matter I have fun at the DMV dude but so it was just like and then what else did he say that was annoying he goes are you always on and I was like yeah I'm always funny dude I will always tell jokes I will always be laughing and having fun right so and then he like thought I was gonna text him again I don't know was he good looking he was fine was he good looking before he opened his mouth and you got to know him is that in other words had he he was fine like he was fine like there's no I think it's just so different I think that for me at least I can't speak for all women but I just don't think that we look at guys the same way that guys look at us so it's not attractiveness is like a confidence or like a bunch of different things our producer disagrees you yeah I just think that no I do think it's more like it's not it's not about like a physical like obviously he's like a commercial actor so he was fine you know he's cute he's a commercial actor yeah he was just we were just waiting for an audition together and I just there were just things he did that I didn't like and it's not like he's not a nice guy or whatever but I was like I already know immediately that this isn't gonna so ideally without violating your privacy what would be your perfect man if you could if you could just hard because I'm trying to break like patterns because you know in the past honestly my type because I brought I was a juvenile delinquent the guys that I I was brought up in Philly so the guys that I like I remember is like the guy I lost my virginity to was like was in prison for years like he's got neck tattoo like that's my type so I am trying to not like die in a domestic dispute like I just okay can I do you mind if I I'm not by the way I'm not trying to make you cry or reveal anything about I want to keep this light okay I mean he didn't go to prison because he fucked me I feel like I have to clarify do you think women are attracted to bad guys because it's power when I was in elementary school and high school I used to act bad like one of like there were bad guys so I would like gravitate to them because I thought women would be turned on by that I noticed that the really beautiful women the girls in high school the beautiful sexy young girls were attracted the ones you're sexually attracted to that's what you want to say the young teenagers are sexually currently sexually attracted to no don't don't make my ankle bracelet go off live to tape eh we'll see about that we'll see about that that girls are are attracted I'm saying girls not women girls young girls are attracted to bad boys because that is what, rebelling against their father or are they attracted to the power that a bad boy exudes is that maybe I don't fucking know dude I don't know I'm trying to figure it out I don't really know and I just was a bad kid so I was surrounded by bad kids when you're on a date and again you don't have to answer this question I feel like never been I like randomly have been on that I've been on like two dates in my life I've never wanted a boyfriend I've never wanted to be with anyone it's always an accident I feel like all my ex-boyfriends always owe me apologies so it's hard for me I'm not normal like I'm not like other people nobody's normal right but so I can't really speak for one I don't know like I guess it's more fun it's interesting you're like your emotions are being held suspensively in the air and you don't know whether they're gonna I don't know yeah it's like to be continued is this person gonna call you or treat you well so it's drama maybe I don't know but I don't I think now when I hook up with I usually like hook up with what does hook up mean fuck people fuck people but when I usually what does that mean but it's like you know but I don't like I'm not really like a one man a one night stand per like when I drank I would just who knows what happened because I was blacked out but I mean God only knows and my coworkers a lot of dishwashers yikes no offense to you I'm not being an elitist but just like also come on come on so I I tend to like you know like I'll I'll hook up with someone I'll have one person I'm sleeping with like usually when if I live in New York I'll have someone I'm sleeping with in LA so I can see them every few months or every month or whatever and like send them pictures and text them but now I am like I have no I have no one right now I'll send pictures and text them and you don't have anybody right now no for the first time like in forever it feels good you're not involved with anybody right now I'm completely uninvolved and I'm just trying to not fuck it up because every time I like do you find when men treat you too kindly that you're turned off by that when men not now I'm in my 30s fuck that I want to be true to these I've noticed that when I'm kind of are you being your mom now no I I'm just nothing I'm just what what else tell me more I'm asking you a question about do you find when you go out with a man and he's rude to you you're more attracted to him no that's 20s shit that's nagging that's like the whole fucking book the game where it's like wait let's actually talk about the game because that leads to the bad boy thing I'm not a nagger but you know about it we know it's naga it's naga do we keep that in yeah that one's fine it's nagging right nagging is like the whole process of like where you're supposed to insult a girl's shoes or tell her something wrong with her so a guy and then so she'll be thinking about it I just want to before I get fired from my own podcast nagging is so when I said I'm not a nagger that means I don't nag you're making it so much worse I feel like I just don't want to edit this I mean live to tape baby okay go in you don't have to edit it you pay a smaller Jew a younger Jew to edit it are you Jew everybody you're Jewish I mean my last name is so I guess everybody's Jewish it can all be traced back to Abraham I gotta say I'm really proud of you guys you have really come a far away we have unbelievable to bounce back from all that horrible stuff and still take over Hollywood it's like been really incredible thank you it's been an honor to work with you guys tell that to Chuck Woolery I don't know who that is well okay I'm young I'm only 14 don't make my ankle bracelet hard it just buzzes when you get a boner you can leave it just buzzes when you get a boner alright so let's talk about the game the game oh the game yeah so it's like the nagging the whole process I think when you're younger and you're insecure and you have no clue who you are and as a woman you're like raised to please men so it's like just in society and stuff like it's not even on purpose my mom is like pretty much a dude like she had short hair she was the the coach of our our baseball team like she's baseball or softball baseball okay no I played on the boys baseball team so did my daughter yeah it's scary they have a daughter I can talk about that later they went to the world series in the little league oh cool and Williamsport, Pennsylvania the little league world series no no no not that in the local you know local Los Angeles yikes shocker you're from Los Angeles my daughter and her best friend were 13 gorgeous uh-huh the guys did not want them on the little league team right because it's guys they didn't want to use their boners instead of the bat right title seven is that what it's called something there's some title that the women have to play they were the only two girls in little league the boys had to accept it and I it was a screenplay now how how hot are we talking her friend tell me about this 13 year old girl tell me in detail slowly no I just noticed that guy it was funny to watch guys around them and because they didn't it's like they didn't want to have to what see them as do you think they didn't think they were going to play well or they didn't think that they were going to be they do what every heterosexual male does around a woman that they think is pretty they up their game right so they want they went I watched this team that was just a bunch of raga muffins the minute my daughter and her friend joined the team they started playing so well they started playing that's so funny yeah it's so annoying that pussy is the motivation for all men I don't even because we have like we're the pussy but we also have like our whole lives and feelings and the things that we like and our brains and our ideas maybe it's not pussy maybe it's another mom I've also found with the guys that they want that a lot of them want to be mommied how about just being appreciated and loved by the opposite sex with no judgment where? what the fuck are you talking about? Ann Margaret what nonsense are you talking about? do you know who Ann Margaret is? she got her head chopped off that would be Ann Boland I told you I'm not much of a I'm like I'm pretty chill on learning okay pillows and set of chairs and they didn't make us read books we had movie class this is real really? yeah movie class what high school did you go to? it was called the Krefeld school and it was a juvenile delinquent school but also autistic kids what? is it named after Jacob Krefeld? I don't know Ann Margaret 75 years old absolutely gorgeous she was in Bye Bye Birdie oh okay yeah she's still gorgeous and her husband Roger Smith just passed away and Ann Margaret he had some debilitating muscular degeneration and she nursed him that's my type were you asking earlier? that's my type did you ask? that's the answer you know what you're making me are you schvitzing? you're making me laugh I get dizzy it's a certain okay so and I'm thinking there's the most Ann Margaret is if you're you know certain age baby boomer fantasy Ann Margaret is your fantasy right then I think okay but I'm also looking for somebody to nurture me and mother me and here Roger Smith has this muscular degeneration and she nursed him do you think men I don't know the answer would I want Ann Margaret whose apps you know she's the you don't want her to be wiping your ass or do I well they've been together their whole lives yeah yeah I mean I think that there's probably guilt involved I know that my dad is is nine years older than my mom ten years older than my mom and I know that it's getting like different you know he's in his mid-seventies and I know that he feels I think it's like upsetting for him that the future is possibly my mom having to take care of him that way but I think that they love each other and that's like a part of what their right thing was I just think it's life is fucked up that you been thinking about it a lot that you your family like all the people that you love everything staggered right so it's like all these people that you love these parents well for me at least you know I love my family so much it's like my parents are so amazing and then they're like born and then you know you love your pets and they just last for like the most like 15 years and then you like you invest in these relationships and they either don't work out which is also a death where you're like alright I put like so much especially the ones that you think that are multiple years and stuff where you're like wow I really like put a lot into this and then these are one of the only relationships where you can just completely cut them out that always feels weird and then and then on top of that you can meet someone fall in love like do the thing that everyone wants have the kids do the thing that is the quintessential apparently the thing people want which is not what I want but like that perfect thing and then that person dies and then you're single and alone or you have to watch them die or in the notebook you both die at the exact same time Nicholas Sparks yeah Nicholas Sparks he's very he's more I would say like he's almost a reporter because his books are so realistic but in the notebook a couple dies together at the exact same time from what? old age that has happened at the exact same time holding hands oh yeah well a lot of people is this Defender Nicholas Sparks movie no I'm just thinking 9-11 a lot of people died at the same exact time wow wow just pointing that out we're cutting that out we're not cutting that out we're not cutting it out now we can't cut anything I was trying to shoehorn a joke listen 9-11 you know here's the joke ask me the joke that I sometimes do is you know we all die alone unless you're Muhammad Ata that's true that's good so I was trying to I know I was thinking yeah it's like we probably won't die alone at this point with what's happening but what was I going to say well okay speaking of 9-11 so I worked at a restaurant right down the street at Life Cafe and it I worked there for years I first moved to New York started working there I worked there for like maybe three years and then I went out of town and the business went out went out of business they shut the restaurant down I've been around for years and so I went on the internet onto the website to see why they shut down and she said we chose this auspicious day September 11th, 2011 to shut down the restaurant because it seemed fitting isn't that incredible like the like the fucking Twin Towers had gone out of business it was pretty cute to attach something as trivial as never forget the chicken club sandwich so funny so unbelievable okay so you go to movies I don't usually but you talk during movies you text yeah I'll talk like if I have I have ADD so it's like if things need to get done they got to get done when I think of them or they're not going to get done I had to text my I had to email my agent something that was super important I lost $1500 it's like I'm sorry okay so sorry everybody that isn't noticing this except this fucking weird guy that's already starting to do weird little controlling things within two hours of me knowing you do you think in relationships we all try to control one another? well I am I've done like a lot of hallucinogens recently and everything all the stuff the medicines tell me is that I'm very controlling and I need to try to give up some of my control what kind of hallucinogens they're now discovering that the brain has multi-universes inside of it yeah no shit I didn't know that we're all vibrations and fizz everything's all good I can't believe I got mad at you about the editing thing and look at us now because we're fizz so you have all these universes inside your brain maybe you're only supposed to use 5% of your brain when you're on a hallucinogen how much of your brain are you using all of it I don't know I just like to take them and then try to like figure out what I need in my life what I need to work on so like mushrooms I don't know what I don't know what that scares me I mean I've done DMT I died I had an experience of dying on DMT and you have to smoke it out of a crack pipe so what's DMT DMT is it's like a white powder and you have to put it into a crack pipe what if I just smoked crack what if it was just crack but and you have to smoke it out of this like crack pipe ball thing and it it either makes your brain excrete or just is the same chemical that comes out of your brain when you're born and when you die that gives you like the tunnel vision that people always report back when they DMT so you see like a light at the end of the tunnel no I mean some people do I had there was like a light experience for me but people close their eyes they get visited by aliens people tell them shit they live in whole different universes it feels like they're there for days sometimes and it's only like 5 minutes for me mine felt like 30 seconds my friend and her husband and I just told this on a podcast in the same room but and I just had this experience where there was like this bright light behind my friends and all their artwork is like they've done a bunch of ayahuasca and a bunch of DMT and stuff so their artwork is all like psychedelic and I didn't get it until this moment but so there was this painting behind him and it was like glowing behind my friend's husband and they had all the minute I took it everything got sharp and like pixelated looking kind of and everything's this like snake pattern that you see that the Peruvians will actually like sew into fabric and stuff and give to people and it's like a whole there's like a snake theme but it's just sort of like shows you that everything is connected in the whole universe so everything is like in its place exactly where it's supposed to be and then so I see this light and the other room is getting darker and then it's just this light behind them it's getting smaller and then everything in the room and my friend I watched my best friend get sucked up like one eyeball at a time like it looked like the waiting room in beetle juice like one eye like completely stretched out and then her other eye and the rest of her body went and then her husband and then I laid back and I looked at the light I could feel like my grandmother like I just like knew it was like death or whatever and then I felt my body kind of go I didn't feel my body anymore and then I was trying to breathe and then I didn't have to breathe anymore I just breathing just stopped needing to happen and it felt fucking amazing and it felt like I was everything and nothing and it kind of reaffirmed some things I had felt not on drugs kind of had some epiphanies and stuff on my own and yeah I just woke up feeling like really excited for my dad because I've always been really worried about him and his age and his health and I just got excited for him because I know it's going to be good so father did while you were experiencing that were you aware of it or were you totally immersed in it I was aware that I was going through it like you still are yourself you don't like lose your mind in any way like I was me in this journey just like watching like I mean I probably could have talked but I didn't want to talk but I did start like making jokes and I keep going okay so because I've never done this because somebody very close to me had a bad experience with DMT? no just with hallucinatives oh okay yeah there's a bunch of different kinds too right I just you know I'm not going to open up those doors I like to remain tethered to the earth but my you'd like them huh? you'd like them I don't know maybe your brain would be too it's like I think for people with control it's actually good but it is hard you know it's a hard thing to choose because you don't yeah you don't know where you're going to go and I would be afraid to lose my ego to lose who I am I think you're much that's real no that's real but you're strong enough to hold on to who you are I would be afraid to just completely surrender to the universe well I got really worried I mean I was nervous about about that with I wanted to go right when I was ending I was in a three year relationship when I was living in Los Angeles that ended in August I broke up with him and you know how when you want to break up with someone and you don't I mean I loved him he was so sweet but I just knew it wasn't the right thing so I was dreading this breakup and not really being completely honest with myself and so I kept looking for these things like I was like maybe I'll go do Iowa I wasn't doing hallucinations at this time I was like maybe I'll go do Iowa Oscar or something and I just wanted to do something that would give me the excuse to break up with him you know like I wanted to do come back from this thing and be like you know what the spirits told me like peace it was just me not having the balls to like hurt someone I loved you know and then so I was looking into these vipassana silent retreats that are ten days long where you don't talk you don't talk for ten days you don't write why don't you just get married you don't look at people or fuck you and call back but so so like you go ten days and it's like this weird I don't know I've talked to people about it a little bit but I was I didn't do that because I was like I mean I think it would completely reshape who I was as a person could you go ten days without your cell phone no I can't go ten days without anything I mean funyons I've done that's the only thing I've ever done and it's very recent well I don't want to get into the digital digital details oh it's bad I would like to do something like that because what's the longest you go without your phone I can't do it I bring it into the bathroom with me I put in a bag I put it in a bag while I'm in the shower which is why you should never hold anybody's cell phone bringing back to diarrhea yeah it's true there's a lot of diarrhea speckles on my phone for sure you know Diane look how greasy it is I know if we put luminol on our phones what would we find on it we'd find a lot of dick prints dudes are just fucking mushrooms stamping my phone all the time it's so annoying on the subway I'm like enough fine I'll give you a dollar but only because you got it on my niece's face I'm not sure so relationships breaking up with a guy so I was yeah and I was trying to use hallucinogens to be like the excuse and then I just I went to Ireland and kind of had this out-of-body experience just being there and like seeing all these old I went to this church it's 1100 and I am not religious I mean Quakerism is like the least religious you can be I don't believe in God like that or anything but going there and seeing this church just the fact that it physically had been the fact that like everyone has done this before us that we're just so caught up in our own shit but that there have been all these people and that even though like that thing that I said in Quaker meeting where it's like I was chosen to be me and on me it's like you just have to believe that everyone else feels that way too and that and what about stand-up when you're on stage are you satisfying your ego or are you connecting with the audience full connection I get that I think you're right full connection and how long did it take you to learn that or did you know that before you started doing stand-up I think it's just been I've really realized it recently I think honestly all these hallucinogens I did just made me have like a much more a much more self-aware when was the first time you did hallucinogens well high school but I was 14 we did them in the I did acid the first time I took acid yeah I was 14 I went to this alternative school and they had someone had hammered in a human-sized hole in the wall in the glass-blowing studio in the basement so we got kicked out we got kicked out of the basketball game came down into the glass-blowing studio in the basement crawled through the wall ate acid and watched the game through the grates in the floor that was the first time I took acid and no freaking no and I'll tell you something you could always tell who was on acid in my school because they would be looking like they were just the stars remember the stars and yeah I didn't freak out and then I did acid again when I was 14 at my friend's house and her parents knew we were doing it and it was fine did you ever freak out on acid? I didn't I guess I did it again when I was 16 and I was visiting a friend in the virgin islands and I hadn't been drinking or doing anything so I had been pretty sober and so I had not a great trip trying to control it I was trying to not be fucked up but we were on their main export in St. Croix is Cruising Room and they use molasses for it so they have all these giant molasses water towers so me and my like teenage friends were just hanging up out on top of this fucking water tower this giant molasses looking water tower or molasses water tower looking molasses tower and we eat acid and remember we had to climb down that fucking little ladder I mean it was just so scary and hard it was the worst part probably Can you stick around? Yeah for a little bit I just got to go pick my friend up Okay let me do your intro Okay because we never finished it Any Letterman as they stand up comic who has appeared on MTV's Girl Code Chelsea Lately Comedy Central's at Midnight and this is not happening Welcome to the David Feldman show Oh thank you so much it feels like I've been here for an hour already it feels like you didn't do the intro at the time and this is being recorded later We'll be back with Scott Rogowski he'll join us You're listening to highlights from the David Feldman show heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher and now YouTube please subscribe to this channel for more information go to davidfeldmanshow.com Thank you for listening The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you Use Sad Pathetic Humps