 Barring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. You know friends, one of those Oscars, if it was given to a breakfast cereal, you can just see that Oscar zooming to a delicious, moldy, rich, grape nuts flakes. For when it comes to America's fastest-growing breakfast cereal, the verdict you hear is unanimous. Grape nuts flakes really taste swell. Yes, whether you're breakfast fussy or whether you're just plain breakfast hungry, you'll say that grape nuts flakes satisfy. They have such a grand, malty richness, such a glorious, crisp, tempting goodness. They bring you the flavor of grape nuts, an exciting, toasted, flake form, and grape nuts flakes bring you health-building, whole-grain nourishment, including proteins, minerals, and vitamins. So help yourself to health at breakfast. Help yourself to sweet as a nut luscious grape nuts flakes in the big 12-ounce economy-sized package. You don't give up a single precious ration stamp to buy grape nuts flakes. But it's fun, played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, our dear old master of ceremonies, Jack Benny, lost $50 recently on Rochester's horse, Burt Cork. That's right. They pulled the Kentucky derby right down over my ears. You always wear a derby that way. Quiet. Ever since this disastrous experience, Mr. Benny has been trying and trying to forget, but to no avail. What do you mean to no avail? I've forgotten the whole thing. When I lose money, that's the end of it. Go on, you lost your piggy bank when you were just a little baby and you're still running ads in the Walkiegan paper. What ad? Lost. One piggy bank on Genesee Street. Finer may keep bank, but owner has sentimental attachment to content. Now marry. Please return to Jackie Benny, age 45, Hollywood, California. That's who made up. Now go on. Go on with the story, Donald. Well, anyway, folks, Rochester returned from Louisville a week ago. But until yesterday afternoon, Jack was unable to get in touch with it. I should have known he was hiding down on Central Avenue. So now without further ado, we would like to take you to one of Central Avenue's delightfully intimate mixed drinkeries. The time late yesterday afternoon. Take it away. Mr. Sippy Barbecue Palace, Mr. Sippy speaking. I see. Now, Mr. Sippy, I'm trying to get in touch with Rochester. Rochester Van Jones. Are you mean the man whose horse has caused no end of unbalanced buttches in this vicinity? I lost plenty on him, too. Now is Rochester there? Just a minute, I'll find out. Oh, Rochester? Rochester. What is it, Sippy? Is that Mr. Benny? Yeah, what am I telling you? Same thing. Same thing. Okay. Wrong number. Goodbye. You know, Sippy, that was a narrow escape. Yeah. Say, how many days have you been hiding out from Mr. Benny? Four that I can remember and two that must have been sheer bliss. Say, Sippy, I was supposed to meet Louis Armstrong here. Have you seen him? Oh, Satchamone? Here he comes now. Off the lazy river where the oil mill's running. Well, look here. Hello, Rott. Hello, Satch. Well, Satch, I thought you were going to come load it. Don't worry, son. I got two gals coming over here in a little while that are tall, tan, tantalizing, and tender. Are they good-looking? Mine is. Yours is sort of a retread. Now, wait a minute, Satch. I should have the good-looking one. I'm a romantic man. Romantic? You heard me. When I kiss a gal, Cuba just stands there and says, My dog. Say, Rott, an important thought has just struck me. What are we going to do for money tonight? You know, legal lettuce. Well, Satch, you got money. I had money until that horse of yours devoured and thawed me. Well, let me tell you something, Satch. Byrd Corp. would have won that race if it hadn't been for the backstretch. What happened in the backstretch? He just rolled over on the road. He just rolled over on his back and stretched. Well, look, Rochester. We've got a hold. We've got to get hold of some stuff for tonight, and I've got a hunch that those gals are going to be hungry. Yeah. Well, it looks like I'll have to call Mr. Benny, my favorite comedian. Oh, you dog. Give me that phone, Sippy. Here you are. Thanks. Hello, operator. Give me Crestview 7071. From Natchez the Mobile. What? I can't down-miss. I got a high boy on each hand. From Memphis to St. Joe, wherever the four wheels blow. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny? Well, well, so it's you. What happened to you, boss? Where have you been? Where have I been? I've been on the phone for the last six days trying to reach you. I called every hotspot on Central Avenue that's got a telephone. Some of the best ones is primitive. Rochester, I don't want any flippancies. I want the truth. You've been back from Louisville a week now. Why haven't I heard from you? Well, last Tuesday I was right up to the door of your house in Beverly Hills ready to work. Uh-huh. A black cat crossed my path. I see. Well, couldn't you walk around the cat? I did and wound up at the cotton club. Oh, well, so much, so much for Tuesday. Now, what happened Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday? I don't even remember where they happened. I thought, now, look, Rochester, I want you to be at my house first thing tomorrow morning. Okay, boss. I'll be there. You better. By the way, Mr. Benny, a financial predicament has reared its ugly head. I'm in desperate need of, say, about $25. I see. Well, let me ask you something, Rochester. Why should I give you $25 when I just lost 50 on your horse? Well, come on. Rochester, I want an answer to that question. It ain't ready yet. Now, listen, Rochester, I'll give you the money on one condition that you come over here right now and start a work. The house is a mess. Okay, I'm on my way, boss. So long. Goodbye. Now, listen, Satch, you keep the gals here. I'll run over to see Mr. Benny, put on the personnel. They'll be back in half an hour. Rochester, you forgot to hang up the phone. Uh-oh. All right, Rochester. Yeah. I heard your conversation. Come in the doghouse. That's where you belong, you old dog. Well, I better get over to Mr. Benny's house. So long, Sippy. Good luck, Rochester. Say, Satch, while you're waiting for the gals, why don't you get up there with the band and give out a little jive for the cats? Okay, I might float on down that old ladies' river for a few bars. Let's float, boys. The old ladies' river with the old ladies' river with the noonday sun hanging in the shade of a kind old tree. Throw away your troubles. Dreamer, dreamer, me, dreamer, dreamer, me. The old ladies' river with the robin song to bright light as we stroll along. Whose kind love above and the one I love of the ladies' river are happy we will be my ones. The old ladies' river It's over. The old ladies' river with the robin song to bright light as we stroll along. The powers have elapsed since our last scene. We take him out of Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills where he is busy dictating to his secretary. Take it away, Beverly Hills. However, madam, if you will send me 50 cents and cash or stamps, I will be glad... I think I'll laugh so quick. I will be glad to send you one dozen personally autographed naval oranges plus one large grapefruit with my picture pasted on it. I'll sign that as usual, your dream man, Jack Benny. Is there any more fan mail, Ms. Livingston? Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, will you stop with that, Ms. Livingston? Why don't you call me Mary? Because every Saturday afternoon, you're supposed to be my secretary and I don't believe in familiarity. And why are you sitting on my lap? Because you don't know how to type. Now, is there any more fan mail? Yes, here's a letter from a lady in Nobody, Montana. Nobody, that's North Butte. What's the... What's the lady got to say? Dear Mr. Benny, those oranges you sent me were a little sour. Also your photograph. Also your program last Sunday. I'll have to spray those oranges. Also my writers. Now, let's see, how will I... Well, it's the big racehorse man again. Say, Mr. Benny, I made your bed, changed your shoes, and changed the oil on your two bags. Good. Can I have that $25 loan now? Rochester, I'm not giving you any money just because you got a date with a couple of girls tonight. Oh, I forgot all about them, boys. But tomorrow is Mother's Day and I want that $25 to buy a mami or a geranium. I've got a geranium? Well, you should get quite a geranium for $25. Oh, it ought to be huge. Well, listen, Mr. Van Jones, the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes. Now go do them. I just got a manicure. I don't care, do those dishes. Do you think he's going out stepping tonight? He's crazy. But Jack, it isn't Rochester's fault that you lost money on his horse. That phony fortune teller told you to make the bet. You mean Princess Korsakov at the tea room? Give me that phone, Mary. I'm going to call her up and give her a piece of my mind. Oh, darn it. Have you got a nickel, Mary? Here you are. Thanks. A phone and a private house. That's the darnest thing I ever heard of. Well, it saves a lot of bookkeeping and sending people bills. I hope the princess doesn't... Hello? Hello. Anaheim's Gypsy Tea Room. Heim's speaking. Where's Anna? She ain't Heim. Now cut that out. Thank heaven I won't have to look at him much longer. Listen, I want to speak. I want to speak to... I'm only kidding. I want to speak to Princess Korsakov, your fortune teller. She can't come to the phone right now. She got her head caught in a teacup. Put the princess on the phone, teacup and all. Okay, blue eye. I got two of them. That's right. Just because I'm a comedian, everybody. Hello? Hello, Princess Korsakov. I'm happy so peaceful when I look in my crystal-turking. Look, Princess, you gave me some fine advice when you told me to bet on Rochester's horse. According to the radio, the newsreels and the papers that came in last. It couldn't be propaganda. Now it couldn't. Now listen, Princess, you're a phony, and from now on I'm eating at another restaurant. Who's a phony? I said you'd be president of the Elks, didn't I? Elks? You said I'd be president of the United States. There was mayonnaise on my crystal. It wakes better now. Oh well, president of the Elks isn't bad. I'll tell you what, Princess, I'll be over for lunch tomorrow. What's the special? Leg of lamb with nylon stockings. Fine, I'll bring a girl. Goodbye, Princess. You know, Mary Princess Korsakov is a wonderful woman. She says I'm going to be president of the Elks. I'll have to buy a tooth for my watch chain. Why don't you get a few for your gums while you're at it? Oh, say that for the program. Say, I don't hear any activity in the kitchen. Oh, Rochester, how are you coming along with the dishes? Oh, fine, boss. I'm just stacking them up now. Good. You know, Mary, Princess Korsakov may have her pulse, but easy does it. Easy does it. I bet you broke every dish in the kitchen. No, I didn't, boss. The soup terrain is okay. Thank heaven. Of course, it's going to leak a little now. Rochester, those dishes are coming out of your next week's salary. Now go upstairs and press my blue suit. I'm going out with the boys tonight. Yes, sir. Hey, where do you fellas go every Saturday night? We have a bowling team. It's a lot of fun and good exercise. Well, here's Dennis now. Hello, kid. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hi, Dennis. Fine, Miss Livingston. Say, Mr. Benny, are we going to the... You know what, tonight? Quiet, kid. Yes, as soon as Don and Phil get here. Oh, boy. I hope... What do you call it is still there? Quiet, quiet, kid. Hey, wait a minute. Where are you fellas going? Every Saturday night, we go downtown to the burlesque show. Dennis. The burlesque show? Mary and Morgan, more curves than the Burma Road. Dennis, save that whistling for the theater. Say, Dennis, what's that box you got under your arm? Oh, you'll laugh. No, no, I won't. What is it? Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day and Mr. Benny has always been like a mother to me, so I brought him a box of chocolates. Well, well... Mother Benny. Some mother's taking you to the burlesque show tonight, eh, sonny? Yeah, isn't she sweet? Now, Mary, don't spoil it. Dennis gave me a box of chocolates. It was a very sentimental gesture, and I appreciate it. Thanks, Dennis. You're welcome. But, you know, kid, I haven't always been sweet to you. In fact, once in a while, I'm very mean. I know. One of the chocolates has a Mickey in it. A Mickey? Yeah, tastes a little like maple nuts. How do you know? I had one Thursday, and I didn't wake up till this morning. Well, I'll watch out for maple nuts. Speaking of Mother's Day, Dennis, have you got a song that ties into the occasion for the program tomorrow? Yes, I'm going to sing Little Mother of Mine. Would you like to hear it? Yes, I would. I'll sit down at the piano here and make off like an orchestra. Don't spoil the illusion. Sing, kid. See, this candy looks good. Well, Dennis, it'll be very good on the program tomorrow. Thank you. How do you like the way I played the orchestra? Oh, you were marvelous. Anyway, kid, that's a great number for Mother's Day. Speaking of Mother's Day, Jack, I sent Papa a check for $100. $100 for your father? A Mother's Day? She'll get it, don't worry. Oh, yes, your mother's a pretty big woman. She's taller than your father, isn't she? Only two or three feet. Well, that's enough. Say, boys, I've pressed your blue suit. How's it look? Fine. Now take it off and hang it in the closet. Okay. He always has to model everything. What a guy. Uh-oh, 8.30. Can I have that $25 now, boys? I gotta get down to Central Avenue and buy that geranium for my mother. $25 for a geranium. Now let's analyze this. How could you possibly pay $25 for a geranium? I got a florist that takes advantage of me. Oh, and you have to go to him. Now go take that suit off. Yes, sir. You know, Mary, you rock. You know, Mary, if Rochester would only come right out and say that he wants $25 to entertain a couple of girls, it would be different. You mean you'd give him the money? No, but he wouldn't be lying to me. That's different enough for me. Well, it's Don and Phil. Hiya, fellow. Hello, everybody. Hiya, gang. Say, Mary, I'm sorry you can't come along with us. Us guys are going, uh, we're going bowling. She knows, she knows. Dennis had us fill the beans. I didn't have to do it. I'm just stupid. You said it. Say, Phil, do you have any trouble getting out of the house tonight? No, it was easy. But you'll notice I got a club foot. Of course, that kills my next line entirely, you know? My next line is, but then you've only been wearing shoes since your band started playing indoors. I love when they ad-lib. My next line means nothing, you know? Phil, now I want to show you the difference in the joke. Phil, do the original line. Okay, where are you going to start at the top? I say, Phil, didn't you have any trouble getting out of the house tonight? No, it was easy. But you'll notice I haven't got any shoes on. Oh, yes. But then you've only been wearing shoes since your band started playing indoors. He's a different folk. Phil, why don't you tell Alice you were going to a concert or something? Oh, it's all right with her. If I go out with you guys, I bought her a beautiful pair of mules for Mother's Day. Oh, bedroom slippers? No, mules. Jocances, jocances. She's got a victory garden to plow. Oh, really? Oh, I see. Jocances. Yeah, jocances. Oh, real mules, huh? Well, that's a... Mules, that's a very touching gift. I named him Jack and Jerk after you. Thanks, I expected as much. Oh, while we're on the subject of Mother's Day, Jack, do you know what I sent my mother in Denver, Colorado? No, Don, what did you send your mother? A whole case of America's fastest-growing flake cereal. Maldi-rich, toasty-brown, sweet as a nut, great nut's flakes. Well, that's a wonderful gift. And I enclosed a little note that said, Dear Mother, remember the day the stork brought me? There I was, just a 12-ounce economy-sized package. 12-ounce? Don, if you only weighed 12 ounces, how come the stork went right from your house to Murrieta Hot Springs? He's been grounded ever since. But that was a nice present, Don. I'm sure your mother will appreciate it. Well, Mary, you'll have to excuse us now. Come on, fellas, let's go downtown. Oh, wait a minute. Here comes that silly border of yours. Oh, yes, Mr. Billingsley. Good evening, Mr. Billingsley. Good evening, Mr. Benny. Stepping out, I see. Yes, yes, my friends and I are going downtown in bold. I was there last night. He's lovely. Yes, yes, she is. Would you care to ride downtown with us, Mr. Billingsley? No, thanks. I'm going upstairs and hit the hay. Going to bed, eh? No, I'm going to hit the hay. I'm mad at him. Oh, I see. Well, good night, Mr. Benny. Good night. There's very few of us left. Going upstairs and hit the hay. I was wondering why he was carrying that chilele. Come on, fellas, let's go. Now, Rochester, when I get home tonight, I'll expect you to be here. But, boss, what about the $25 for my mother's geranium? Rochester, I know you're not telling the truth. If that $25 was really for your mother, you could, uh... Uh-oh, I'll get it, boss. Uh, hello, Rochester. Uh, look at her, man. The girls are here. What's keeping you? Oh, oh, oh, oh, hello, mother! Mother? How are you, mother? How you been? What's the matter with you, Rochester? This is Satchmo. I know. Now concentrate, mammy. I'll be down in a little while with $25 for those geraniums. Geraniums? Oh, I get it. You dog. What's that, native? Just a minute, I'll find out. Say, Mr. Benny. What is it, Rochester? Can I have tonight off? Mother's having a little birthday supper for us children. Well, I think it might be, uh... Give me that phone, Rochester. But, boss... Give me that phone. I want to talk to your mother. But she don't speak English. Give me that phone. Okay. Hello, Mrs. Van Jones. How are you? I'm fine. I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. Mrs. Van Jones. Are you there, Mrs. Van Jones? Oh, yes, Mr. Benny. By the way, Mrs. Van Jones. Yes? Rochester tells me that you're having a little buffet supper tonight for your children. Are your daughters there yet? They've just arrived. Well, tell me, Mrs. Van Jones. Are your daughters good-looking? Mine is. I thought so. Well, I'm letting Rochester off, Satchmo, but you'll have to dig up the $25 yourself. Goodbye. Okay, Rochester, you can have the night off, but don't kid yourself. You didn't fool me, brother. Friends, we can't talk too often about the shining new beacon light to better wartime living, Uncle Sam's basic seven food program. The basic seven was created by our government to ensure a better fed and hence more efficient America. Uncle Sam says, here are seven basic groups of food, food you should have every day for robust health and ready energy. Choose your favorite food from each group. See that your folks get at least one food from all seven groups every day. Featured in the basic seven are whole grain cereals such as crisp, toasty, brown, grape nuts flakes, a basic seven food that's not rationed. For grape nuts flakes are a whole grain cereal providing nourishment of wheat and barley including precious minerals and vitamins. So please, Uncle Sam, please your family. Eat the basic seven daily and eat grape nuts flakes. Remember, it doesn't take a single precious ration stamp to buy thrifty grape nuts flakes.