 very subtle the tone of voice the way he would breathe how he would sound on the phone on his way home I became so in tune everything in the house became about survival it's like a dripping tap the first drip won't kill you it wears people down over time the more doors you open the more times you see it's everywhere the day for me came when he picked up an axe and was talking about decapitating someone and quite possibly me I think people really need to look at this as an epidemic women are being murdered and stalked and hunted in broad daylight a lot of people still are under the misconception that domestic violence is only physical abuse when I saw the description of coercive control I went oh my god it was as if somebody had walked into my home and written down everything that was happening to me one of the men in the group used the term guidance with a push there's such a range of what makes up domestic violence controlling someone by limiting what finances they have available so it can be here's a credit card of a thousand dollars a month selling it just comes with these conditions controlling what friends or family they can interact with anyone that was in my life that became a threat was immediately cut out by him he was my reality you'll have respondents who emotionally manipulate or wear down victims gradually over time I'm very outgoing outspoken I was very vivacious and little by little after three years I became isolated right up to a significant violence in isolated incidents the first time he ever attacked me he strangled me now I've also learned that strangulation is a strong indicator for murder how do they present themselves like ordinary people you can't pick them externally generally they present is intelligent and articulate these men are very very charming my ex defacto husband was an athlete he was physically strong he was very good-looking and very much in control of image management he knew what to show me and he knew what to show the outside world often they're very different in public to what they are behind closed doors so he wasn't this raving lunatic in front of everybody once it's behind closed doors they can they can turn into completely different people rape my partner is my intimate partner and I was raped by him repeatedly we've all been taught that rape is the guy behind the bushes the most danger I was in was in my own home the perpetrator was behind my closed door at the end of the day all the actions they commit for the purpose of controlling where you exercise your will over another human being it is all about them they don't see the other they don't consider the world of the other they can come up with really good examples of how they coerced their partners the first time he felt that I was angry with him it was 11 o'clock at night he's standing outside on the deck in a pool of blood he had just sliced his head open so my immediate response was oh my god you know are you okay and but what that did was he pulled me in now I was the protector of his secrets I was the protector of his demons I was the gatekeeper from the world nobody knew him like I did he was this really kind sensitive human being who was just tormented and I loved him so much I was going to help him overcome his torment and then I put things in place in order to get what they what they want so they don't want their partners to go out partying or cubbing for the night with their friends or say I'll come on stay home we haven't been together all week we'll just have you a me time on face value that sounds like a really nice thing it's the deliberateness of it she has a benchmark where she knows there's going to be costs to that they will manipulate situation manipulate the mind manipulate the story and so gaslighting is this when the abuser will use information that you see as fact and they will dismiss it and make it sound like you're crazy or your perception is offer you're imagining things and when that's done over a period of time you are worn down psychologically and you don't fully comprehend what's happened to you you've got to appreciate that these victims of violence have been controlled for such a lengthy period of time that they don't have the confidence within themselves to stand up to that person look if he came up to me the first time that I met him and he said by the way I just want you to know we're going to have a great couple weeks and then I'm going to become violent I'm going to control your world I'm going to isolate you from everyone and I'm going to end up trying to kill you do you think I would have a second conversation with this guy absolutely not and that's not the way coercive control works it undermines it's white-anting it just eats a person from the inside out we lose sense of reality when you're in that kind of an environment you don't know what danger is because you're immersed in danger every single day the day he picked up the axe he said we're going to go for a ride he coerced me into the vehicle he drove me to the creek in karamban we got out he had me in a headlock and we walked down the wooden boardwalk and in that moment I accepted that that's where I was going to be murdered and I remember thinking the water's really clear if I'm gonna die this will be a pretty place to die I had absolutely nothing in me that was doing anything to protect myself we call it the fog it's fear the obligation the guilt is what can keep a woman stuck in the relationship so the day he picked up an axe the fog that I experienced that image is what snapped me out of it will he ever think he's wrong absolutely not to this day he thinks he's victimized will they change when will they change do they change every man that has ever been in our groups would say that violence and coercion abuse is not okay but then they give themselves all these reasons if she didn't do this if she was just like this I wouldn't have to be like this I use the term minimization denial and blame that's how he thinks do you feel your world shrinking does it feel like you're being manipulated or taken advantage of do you feel pushed do you feel like you're unable to breathe don't wait or hope for change there's no it's gonna get better they're going to see the error of their ways now get out don't try to to rationalize this I did that it almost cost me my life oh you know we're talking about deep-seated things how do you change that like this we as men need to pay attention to what we do and why we believe we have the right to do it their partners are somebody's sister somebody's daughter somebody's mother they're a whole person if we could change that story we can change the world