 It doesn't matter where you come from, it's alright, yeah, it's alright, yeah, it doesn't matter where you... So I'm John Halpern, I'm here in University County, Little Old Caribou, Maine. I'm born and raised, and I recover loud. Hi everyone, welcome to Recover Loud, presented to you by Recovery on the Road. In our small hometown in Northern Maine, we had never heard anyone talk about recovery. The recovery programs were as much a mystery to me as the Freemasons. I didn't know anybody in recovery, I didn't know where any of the meetings were, and I didn't know how to become a member. Today, we recover loud so that no one has to wonder if recovery is possible. Hi, I'm Mike, and I'm grateful to be in recovery. Today, I get to be a father, a husband, a son, a brother, and a friend. I'm a college student studying criminal justice online. I currently work as a registered Maine Peer Recovery Coach, as well as sitting on the board of directors for a local nonprofit. I'm the co-founder of Recovery on the Road and co-creator of this show, Recovery Loud. You can read my personal story in the book, God Loves Attics 2, as well as in the latest issue of Journey Magazine. Welcome back to Recover Loud, presented by Recovery on the Road. We're here tonight with John Halliburd from Caribou. Welcome, John. Glad to see you. So, John, we knew each other way back when, you know, when things were still a mess. And then one day I came to the Redemption Center and I saw you working and you said, I'm in recovery. And I kind of smirked. And I left that day and it didn't really register. But you were the first one in Caribou to ever mention recovery to me. And I thank you for that. So how did you get to that point that day at the Redemption Center when I saw you? What happened leading up to that point? Well, there's a lot there. You know, I've been addicted since 12 or 13 years old. And before that, I even showed a bunch of addicted personalities. You know, I was always the center of attention, not comfortable in my own skin, looking for attention from people. I wasn't healthy, all that stuff. You know, in high school, I was always the center of attention. You know, usually end up in my underwear on top of a hood of a car, you know, hauler into some ACDC somewhere out in the field somewhere. You know, that's who I was. I thrived on that reputation of a badass. And I really wasn't. I was, I was a really a soft hearted feller. But, you know, I hired my heart for a lot of years. So, you know, going fast forward and through through high school middle school, I overdosed in sixth grade for the first time on core seating. Ended up in the hospital stomach pump the whole line yards. That was like 13 or 14 years old. You know, so I rolled with that reputation for, you know, my whole life. I come out in the streets of caribou trying to be an adult. You know, got a girl pregnant thought I would do the right thing white picket fans to hold on yards bought a house. End up still using the whole time, you know, then then once he was born the pressure was on and my using took off because I couldn't handle the pressure really. I was still trying to fit in where I didn't belong. So, I got why the the the DA set me up on a wire by twice in two days once was in a school zone. So, I got a class a class B got bailed out my parents bailed me out. I ran the roads for like another eight months but my case was coming up soon I needed a lawyer I thought I'd, you know, go make one more spin and and and fund the lawyer. I ended up down in Bangor with a couple that I met, that was, you know, getting a load in and I was going to bring it up north and make my coin and I ended up with a, you know, non registered, uninsured, unexpected headlight out borrowed a car from some woman promised to this promise to that when I got back at the car went down there. Of course I made it down there fine, got to the place I was going filled the trunk full of dope and guns and pulled out of there and, you know, I didn't make another two blocks after that once I was loaded up the blue lights came on but to me that's God's grace today I can recognize that as God's grace because you know the blue lights are the final kicker that saved my life. I ended up in Pinello Scott County Jail. I did about eight months. Now I also had the charges up here in the county so I was kind of jumping back and forth but penance got had some kind of legality rule for technicality thing they wouldn't furlough for rehabs. So I was trying to get in the Lewiston, the same Francis house I'd been there once before to 2015. And I knew it was a good program. I knew I knew they really cared about the people they really want to seem clean and that's where I want to be so I ended up in the cell, you know, wanting to get out driving myself nuts in these walls. A kid comes in and out and out and out and I said dude how'd you know how are you getting out of here, you know coming back like that he's like I'll fill out a request form we'll see the chaplain. I don't even know what a chaplain was doing. I really didn't even know the definition of it but I didn't give a shit I just wanted out of that room. So I fill out the request form, and I probably even asked about a spell chaplain. A few hours later, they says that Hallibur Chaplain. All right, I don't know where I'm going to what I'm going to do but let's go do it so I walked down and I ended up walking in the room guys hold my Bible. Well, oh shit, you know, it's just getting real now. This guy's got the good book, you know, so he, you know, I tell him a little bit about my story course I was 119 pounds at a, you know, 50, 50 cent piece sore on my face, long hair dripping sweat. It was a disaster. I was a complete wreck. And actually my lawyer wouldn't even show me the police video of my arrest because he said you'll never you'll never doubt outlive it, you know, I mean you'll never live outlive that shame because I was just a wreck yell and swearing hit my head off the window it's just a disaster, not who I was you know. Chaplain read me a verse called James 18 it said a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. And I never related that to God I wasn't even thinking about God or Jesus at the time you know I just remember here in double minded and thinking, wow dude that's what's got me that's what's kept me used in this whole time you know I've always had one foot in one foot out. You know and in this time if I really want change. I'm gonna have to have both feet in on the good side you know I get out to have both foot on the clean side hitting the joint there ain't no sipping a Budweiser there ain't no nothing for me, because I know where it ends up. It's the weirdest thing I drink a beer next you know I'm in the parking lots don't mess. I don't know how it works but it works like that. So, you know, I got out of there and started doing the thing surrounding myself by a really good group, you know surround myself with winners and I took off man I just started thriving for recovery and started seeing people get healthy and you know I was just loving every minute of it. So, I stuck with it. Yeah, yeah, and we're all grateful that you did that you did. So what kind of what kinds of things are you doing today for the recovery community. So, so today you know what I mean my, I feel like the most important role I play as an open phone line. I mean anybody that's that's sick or struggling they know that I'm, you know, I'm pretty laid back they can call me with a needle in their arm and I'm not going to say, you're junkie with a needle in your arm. You know what I mean I'm going to say what do we get to do to get the needle out of your arm forever, you know what's what's the first baby step you need to take to make yourself right with yourself in order to feel worth it. You know because because that's what it is you don't feel worth it you feel like there's no door out there's no, you know you're stuck in the four walls and you'll never get out well. Listen I'm here to tell you there's a way out and if you know if it takes you being drugged by me and that's what you want. I'm willing to drag you but you know you get a call you get a reach out you know so I'm an open phone line for anybody that wants to call. I'm also a chair of a grassroots community group called recovery rustic. What we do is, is we try to add resources or advertise resources we set up tables that like the Thursday night on Sweden streets, so the street dance thing we do craft fairs we do whatever organizational allow us to come in with the word recovery on it. Yeah. I'm also very involved with opening this over houses my father in law. Well, my wife is is also in recovery and my father in law is really passionate about it because he was his daughter walk through it. And, you know, he said you know let's open some houses so we started thinking and beating around the idea so we ended up buying this old condemned house and remodeling it open the men's house. The man was so great dude I mean it was revolving door at first we had a lot of people in and out relapse in and out in and out, but we knew that that need was there. So, you know our next our next ambition was to open a female house and we've talked ambitions about a detox up here because you know there's 100 plus sober houses in the state of Maine and we had nothing in Ursa County and I mean nothing dude. People like fighting us about zoning laws and everything else to even get a recovery house. And, you know, it's pretty ridiculous that these people don't even want to see these people get better. It's like they just wanted to write them off. So, we ended up, you know, battling a few few little little battles but we're on the upside now man we're starting to build some stuff we get a recovery center through mhc and we got, you know, men's house open it's full capacity right now. We just opened a women's house they're not too long ago, they got a couple people to take more clients at the first of the year we still got some renovations to do so. But yeah man we're on our way we could we could definitely get a long ways to go but we're working at it chipping away at it. Yeah, that's great stuff that women's house did you tell me do they accept women with children. We're not we're not at that capability right now but after the renovations are complete, I do believe we'll have one suite that allow allow the women and child with the women and child we're trying to keep them completely separate from the other house not isolated but you know we don't want the other, the other tenants around the child, depending on what the mother wants the child exposed to you know what I mean so it's it's a touchy area but yes we're definitely shooting to be able to have a mother and child or women and kids there. You know that's one hoop that's one hoop a mother would have to jump through and try to de shame herself, you know, without her kids, you know that's that's, you know, that's another term of her life that she's going to live clean with no kids. That ain't right man so let's let's all recover together. You know, let's see the whole family recover together, you know. Yeah, and, you know, as addicts we see, we see a lot of barriers to recovery. You know, that's it. We need to find the right time, you know, we need to make sure that we've got things lined up we've got to make sure that our, our kids are taking care of our pets are taking care of, you know, we always use this why we can't recover. What are some of the barriers that you've seen up in the county. Um, like I said when I first got sober dude is nothing but barriers you know you know honesty was actually a real killer back then as soon as you got honest that's when the stigma set in and nobody really wanted to help you. I could have said I was a psychiatric patient and I probably would have had help. But if I would have said I was, you know, addicted to vassals and methamphetamine. I was just a low life that they were willing to write off but I mean a lot of that's changed we get a lot of we do have some resources now I mean he's opened up a lot. We got the recovery center we got recovery of rustic and more or less we got a group of people that's willing to listen we got a group of people that's willing to you know what I mean buy you a phone car so you can have a phone to reach out we got, you know, a lot of church groups and I'm part of this fortress church group they're willing to get boots on the ground and help out the cable assembly God's been doing a lot of donational stuff resource stuff to get a van. You know, as far as barriers today, I still I still see some stigma I mean, there's still a lot of, you know, there's a caribou citizens outreach page that if you mentioned addiction on their recovery dude they don't want to hear they don't want to hear it this they say oh it's not a place for that. Well it is a place for that because it's caribou citizens outreach, I am a citizen of caribou, we needed outreach. I just didn't have it but you know I think today, if I were to try to get sober again, it probably be a lot easier path probably a lot less abrasive but back when I did it in 2016 man it was. It wasn't happening I had to be incarcerated. Yeah, and you know I actually I in 2018, and you know I had those same barriers you know I didn't know any recovery. I didn't know where the meetings were held. I didn't know how to do it. So I'm glad that you're doing something today to help bring people to recovery, and by recovering loud that's that's what we do. Where programs that weren't there before. I believe in Prescott they just opened up a methadone clinic. Yeah, a new clinic yep. Yeah, they're real busy so it's a good thing. Yeah, and you know we support all pathways to recovery. Just whether it's 12 step whether it's it's methadone MAT, whatever takes it away from that substance that was killing us. Yeah, or all the above, or all the above. Yes, that's right for me when I when I talk to people like, I can kind of get a read on them and like, you know I don't try to judge them but I can tell you like listen my story is not going to do it for you. My story and Mike's story might do it for you, or my story Mike's story his wife's story my wife's story, I might need nine of you guys. But my people my feelers out there and recovering loud and knowing people knowing that I'm a part of that, or me knowing you guys are a part of that. Then listen man, you know we can we can use this power numbers man and with different resources different paths that we did, you know we can explain this path that path this path this drug of choice that drug of choice you can kill that excuse and knock that excuse out. Because you know I mean we've all done it and this is how it is, you know. Yeah, yeah and and that's that's the basis of recovering loud is, you know, just, we didn't do anything special. You know, we're not special people because we get out. We found a way and we put in the work. And today, today we refuse to give up the life that we're building. Yeah, after like 14 months when I go jail, my parents want to throw me a party and I'm like, I'm not coming home from Harvard. Shouldn't be a party event man. I just want to come home and keep my head down and keep going the way I'm going I started getting all crazy you know me and the dealers house no time no parties no parties for me. So what kind of life have you built yourself today in recovery. Certainly I'm sitting in my son's bedroom he's he's with my parents tonight but yeah I gotta my son's in his own bedroom. You know that's this one little things I would have never been able to accomplish. So I started out when I got out working for my brother at the redemption center like you mentioned and he had owned another one. And he said listen man you know I got a baby on the way and my life's getting crazy I don't really need to. I'm gonna put a five year plan down there we can you know in five years you know we'll we'll see if we can't get you an owner. I said all right. So after about two years I was just, you know beat up making the same money and I was starting to plateau with my recovery you know a and a was, you know it was all good I was surrounded with a good network but the anonymous thing was a killer for me. I was really loud I like to be, you know I was proud of what I was doing, you know what I mean, and if I had to be anonymous, then nobody can know I was doing it. I couldn't help anybody, you know what I mean. So I felt restricted I don't know so anyways I went to an MDC nor the main development committee. I pitched a gig and I pitched my story is what I did so I told him you know I told him right out front this is where I'm at I got multiple felons. Minimal wage job for me is not going to cut it because that's not where I want to be in life. You know I mean I'm looking to get married can't afford the wedding after marriage comes kids listen I need money, I need a good career. So, you know I need a few thousand dollars and believe it or not man they took a chance on me and they proved me for that loan so my five year plan ultimately turned into a two year plan, and I signed the paperwork last year. And, and so this first this year I'll be a business owner for for the first year, you know things are going good. Bill bills are paid. I just had a daughter, she was in the NICU for a little while she's now do it almost six months old 18 pounds healthy and loud, just like your father. My 11 no boys, he's playing athletics. He's got some promise and athletics he's a superstar athlete super smart grades are good. You know we hit some bumps in the roads because he was around for my old addiction you know so there's some recovery still need to be made with him. But, you know, for the most part he looks up to me like God dude and you know that's, that's amazing. You know, it's besides that it's just every day things man tonight I went out snow blow my job with so my wife can get in the house. You know my two nieces live with me my sister in law, we all live together in a big old house so it's a, it's a tight knit family thing you know, and it's it's, it's just, it's amazing life I live today and it's it's the small things man it's you know my son called me dad can I go to the wreck after school play basketball. You know stuff like that I was never I was never the guy to have any type of saying that I wasn't responsible enough to have any say in any of that stuff. Today I decided you know what we're going to do for dinner I mean I decided what you know what bills we're going to pay this month and maybe hold off on next week. Yeah, we get to live the life that you know, you know, you know, you know, I always say that I'm building a life today that I don't want to give to the kid down the road, because he doesn't do my life. Right. And, you know, I want to live this life. So that's that's why I continue in recovery. You know, and ending the stigma, you know, the reason I do that is so that I can go further, you know, for somebody else, you know, that that's the idea. So it's an easy man I'm, you know, almost five years into this and just last week, you know, some high school kid knew my reputation and approached my 11 year old kid and offered him some weed and my kids said you know it's not cool to smoke weed and the kids said Yeah, yeah, your dad's just a drug addict. You know what I mean so he come home all upset dad you got to do something about this. No, I don't have to do anything about that. You know what I mean because you know Hayden and I know. You know what I mean I'm not a drug addict no more. That's not what that doesn't define me who I am. You know what I mean. Yeah, we do recover and you know it's good that your son can do that recovery is a family affair. You know, I raised my kids through my addiction. My daughter was seen before she ever met me sober. I'm proud today to be able to be, you know, present for them just like you are for your kids. So, you know, and that's the life that's what we live for. You get to choose to live now. And, you know, I'm proud of you for choosing recovery. Thank you for recovering loud and you know sharing hope for others in my old hometown. Hey man, thanks for all you're doing down there. Not everyone can enjoy the holiday season. Family gatherings can often become toxic and cause even more trauma. Having an exit plan before you go out is a great way to avoid falling backwards. Here are a few things you can do if your safety is in jeopardy. You can always avoid the gathering altogether. Trust yourself. You know your limits. You can plan your reason ahead of time. Having a story at the ready is better than coming up with something on the fly. If at all possible, don't go alone. You can also use your partner as an excuse if you need to leave early. They can also help identify a triggering situation. If you need to, slip out the back door. It's much better to explain why you left the next day than why you have to leave when you're there. Announce your intended early departure at the beginning. Tell people you don't plan to stay long and then if everything goes well, you get to stay longer. Always have somebody on standby. If you think you might need somebody to talk to, give them a heads up before you go out. Most people would be happy to take your call and talk you down out of a situation. There are many other things you can do, but whatever you do this holiday season, please stay safe and have a happy holiday everybody. I'd like to speak to you tonight a little bit about Maine's Consumeratin Law. This law prevents a person from being arrested or prosecuted for certain violations if the grounds for that arrest or prosecution result from the person experiencing a drug-related overdose or seeking medical assistance for someone who is. Please join us and our partners in trying to affect change in this law. We need to expand the protections for people as well as the number of people. We strongly believe that everybody should carry Narcan. Whether you use or not, or know someone who does, you never know when you might come across a situation where somebody's life is in jeopardy. Having this life-saving medication can make all the difference. There needs to be no reason for someone not to call 911 for an overdose. You can email me or join our group, Recovery on the Road, to find out how you can help and get involved. We strongly feel that everybody should be trained in carrying Narcan. You never know when you might come across a situation where this life-saving medication can make the difference. First, dial 911. You don't have to tell them that someone has overdosed. Tell them that your friend is unresponsive and that you're assisting. Next, give two rescue breaths and then administer in the lock zone. It's always good to wait two to three minutes between doses, but if necessary, you can always give rescue breaths until help arrives. If you or someone you know is at risk of an opiate-related overdose, please carry Narcan. If you don't know anyone at risk, you can still carry Narcan. That's all the time we have for tonight. Thank you so much for joining us on our first episode of Recover Loud. We look forward to seeing you next time, bringing you more guests to tell you more stories and share more resources and information. Please stay safe out there. Even when I'm scared and my feet are frozen, you help me keep it going like a semi-colon. So I'mma follow your steps for all of the way up on my faith in you and walk on the waves. And if I stumble a bit and fall on my face, you come and save me with all of your grace. Thank God.