 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as the Sparrowling. You know friends, Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of Wrigley's Spearman Gum are glad to bring you Life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his momobasco in Italy. He'll ask me if I'm really happy here in America and my answer is yes, sir. I haven't forgotten my health, my friends, and my little business. And my mom, believe me, my business is a plenty little. If it was any little, you couldn't see it. But still in America they gotta say it, you don't need to be rich to be happy. All you need is money. And only last week I was reading a book and inside it was a picture of lots of big American millionaires. It also tells us how they were to make their fortune. Janet D. Rockefeller, he's made his money from an oiler. JP Morgan from the Banksy. And another fellow, Andrew Carnegie, the book says that he's got his money from a stealer. But I'm a no-understanding, he looks too honest for that. But I'm alike especially the picture of Mr. Janet D. Rockefeller Jr. Booker tells us how Mr. Rockefeller's son is a worker still. He had the only day to make money. But still I'm a think, he's a lucky thing, he's a papa who was born before him. Me, mamma mia, I'm not so lucky with money, but I'm lucky with a friend. Besides my friends from a night to school, I got my good countryman, a Pasquale, who's brought me to America. Sometimes a Pasquale, he's at the heart with me. But inside he's got a heart as big as a daughter of Russia. And the mamma mia, that's the girl, he's a big girl. You look on her side the way that she's a look like a two people standing at the front the way. The mamma mia, I was just sitting here in my store thinking about Pasquales and not to bother me too much lately with a Russia. How much I'm a ohem when suddenly the door is open up and in comes the big wind. Louis! I love Louis, I love, I love. I love Pasquales. I did my right for a little of punk in the head. Well I was just to finish your life and I let it to my mamma. What up Pasquale, excuse me, how am I going to Russia to my night school? Oh, wait a minute, what are you, school or Luigi? So you're going to become a smart the ten minutes later. You know, lately I ain't been seeing you so much. Always you rushing off to school, rushing off to the library, running here, running there. One day you're going to wake up and find out you left the house an hour ago. But Pasquale, I'm going to go now. Tonight in the school are we going to study about... Study, study, study, what are you looking in the books of all? Ask me, I know everything. The world is around, the DOG is a dog and two and two makes a five. What's funny, two and two is a four. Not about my cash register. Luigi, get a wife to yourself. What do you think the schools are for anyhow? That's just a place for kids who can't find jobs. Now look, Luigi, you take my advice to forget about a school is the bigger things in a life. Like a what? Like a rosa? No, no, Pasquale, Russia is too fast for me. I'm never going to marry her. All right, Luigi. Since you don't want to talk about marriage or business with me, maybe it's about time I talk of business or talk of what are you? Hey, Pasquale, I'm going to never see your face to look at this way. Well, keep a look. I've got all kinds of faces. For somebody who's appreciated my favors, I've got a sweet to the kind of face to look like an angel. But for somebody who don't appreciate what I'm a dada for him, I've got a meaner face to look like a devil. Otherwise, I've got a two-faces. You understand that? Yeah, Pasquale, you're the most a two-faced man I know. It's funny thing when I'm excited to come out of different. I never told you this before, Luigi, but my bringing you here to America was an investment. And every penny I spent on that investment, I write down on this little black book. Now I want you to pay me back. What? Then you was never going to see me a friend, huh, Pasquale? Friend, Luigi, people who don't marry my daughter, they're my worst enemy. You know, Pasquale, it's hard to believe. You really keep a record in a little book of all of the money you've spent on it. Every penny. Yeah, let's look at some figures. Transportation, Italy to New York, $38. $38? $38. Sure, I didn't bring you over like a bum. You travel hysterical. Yeah, but, Pasquale, I'll pay you back for that trip. All right, all right. But remember when you stepped off the boat, how hungry you was? Sure, traveling with all those animals, I'm gonna get a terrible appetite. Okay, okay, here it is in the book. Luigi off the boat, the very hungry hot dog of 5 cents. Still hungry, not a hot dog of 5 cents. And you wrote all of that down, huh, Pasquale? Yeah, two more hot dogs of 10 cents, a lemonade, 3 cents, bag of popcorn, a dime, four hamburgers, a bag of spud nuts and a coffee, 65 cents, a quart of ice cream with three flavors of 45 cents, and here's a one item for $2. $2, $2 for what? A doctor, you got a stomach ache that day. Now, let me see, next today, a haircut and a shave and a bob as a college of 15 cents. A bottle of iodine and bandages of 20 cents. Well, all right, all right, Pasquale, how much you figure I owe you? Luigi, $1,000. How's that, darling? I'm one every penny. Pasquale, for any ship that don't have me nothing? Nothing at all, no. Pasquale, you know I'm not gonna pay you, what are you gonna do with them? I'm gonna put you in a jail. Pasquale, you wouldn't have put me in a jail just for the money. What then, for love? Luigi, business is a business, you don't want a rooster, I don't want you. That's as plain as the banana nose on your face. All right, Pasquale, call the police. Oh, no, you're never gonna make money for me while you're in a jail, so I'm gonna throw you out of your antique shop, cuttin' your loose so you can find a job on the outside and make some money for me. You really want I'm sure to go, Pasquale? Well, you don't have to go right this minute, I know it's gonna take a time at the park to clean up at the place, settle all your business, find a push cart to move out of your stuff, find a place to sleep, all that, it takes time. I'll give you 50 in a minute. All right, all right, by tomorrow night I want you out of here, even if you gotta sleep in the park. Well, Pasquale, you feel that the way about me is no use for me to stay here no more. Well, I'm gonna go to my night of school and I said goodbye to the only friends I'm gonna left. Quiet class, please, please, all right. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basquale? Well, he's not usually absent. Mr. Howard? Yeah? Mr. Olsen? Hey, hey, hey. Mr. Schultz? The flesh is here, but the spirit is playing OK. Oh, thank you, fellow boobies. Smile, everybody. I'm, I'm, I'm ahead of myself. You're late, Mr. Basquale. Well, I was, I was having a little trouble. Oh, that's all right, just take your seat. Now, class, today we are taking up some of the more common errors made in grammar. And one of the commonest, perhaps, is the split infinitive. Mr. Horowitz, what is a split infinitive? I don't know. Mr. Basquale? I don't know. Mr. Schultz? Don't look on me. I ain't crossing the picket line. Good heavens, doesn't anybody know the answer? Mr. Basquale, what does the book say on that? Cut and a shave and a barber's a college of 15 cents. What? What book did you find that in? That was in a Basquale's little black book. It tells every penny Basquale has spent on me since he's brought to me to this country. Luigi? Why did he do a thing like that? Now he's figured out I'm home with $1,000 and if I'm gonna marry the fat daughter of some, I gotta get out. Then Luigi, get out. An ounce of prevention is worth 250 pounds of cure. And she'll have Luigi's smile. That's right, Mr. Basquale. Mr. Basquale is probably trying to throw a scare into you, as always. After all, Basquale brought you here and he is responsible for your general welfare. Probably by this time he's forgotten the whole thing. No, no, friends. Not the way Basquale was acting tonight. Tonight he was a really hard man. He must have eaten one of his meatballs. Ah, smile, Luigi. He wouldn't really chase you out into the park. You just tell him America is a free country and you can pick any wife you want. Yeah, but it should suppose that if Basquale isn't a listener, I'm still gonna slip in a park. So it's still a free country. You can pick any bench you want. Before we return to life with Luigi, I'd like to mention what a friendly companion a little package of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum can be to you during the day. When you're busy working or shopping, it takes just a second to slip a stick of Wrigley's Spearmint into your mouth and enjoy some pleasant chewing and get a refreshing little lift without even taking time out. The lively, delicious, real mint flavor leaves a clean, fresh taste in your mouth and the good, smooth chewing helps keep you feeling alert and satisfied. So tomorrow morning, fuck a package of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum into your purse or pocket. Be ready at any time to enjoy a refreshing, good tasting treat. And now let's turn to page two of Luigi Basco's letter to his mother and apple. And so, mamma mia, it's happened the worst thing that could have happened to me. I'm gonna find out if Pasquale is not really my friend. I'm gonna get out of the store, so Olson has told me I should go to the YMCA to place her for a sleep. I'm just gonna come back and I have to see what's going on there. I don't like it. I'm gonna sleep if they're gonna wake me up every two hours or to play hand the ball. Alright. Anyway, I'm sitting here looking in an old-school paper for a job when suddenly telephone is ringing. Here's Luigi Basco. Hello. This is Pasquale. Goodbye. Yeah, Pasquale, I've been looking for a job, but I'm not gonna find one. Well, you better find one quick. But Pasquale, I'm gonna look all over the paper, but there wasn't nothin' there. Then you could find the job there. What's that? Hospital. First of all, I'm sorry, but... All right. Mamma mia, where's the... Where's the newspaper? I'm about to find something quick. My trouble is I'm never sure to stay in any ticker shop. I'm sure I got into some other business. Mamma mia, what's this? Learn the trade. Make money while you learn. A new trade, like building a refrigeration or radio electronics in an accountant. Planning your courier with Uncle Sam to join the United States Marines. Sure, I'm going to do this. I'm going to have to fight, and I'm going to learn the trade. By the time I'm going to get out from the Marines, I'm going to pay back a Pasquale, and I'm going to have a college degree. Then I'm going to go back to my night school class, and I'm going to be the smartest one in there. Louis de Basque or your troubles is over. You're going to be an United States Marine. Sign on the building as a sign, and list them in the center. It says nothing about the jobs. It's a funny kind of building. Funny kind of building for teaching. Looks like army barracks. Well, I'm going anyway. They're making them over in the pictures here. Bart, what are you looking at? Oh, please, I'm going to see you out in the paper, and I'm going to come for a job. A job, eh? Well, that's one way of putting it. Got your pass, another recruit. Hmm, let's see these papers. Luigi Basque, 21 North Hall Steads Street. Have a seat, Mr. Basque. Thank you. I see here, Mr. Basque, you've given us your reason for coming here to learn a trade. That's right. You see Pasquale is my countryman who's owned a spaghetti palace. Well, he's thrown me out of the store. I'm more got to no place to go. I'm sure you're advertising him in the paper, so I'm coming for a job. Please. You got a room for one more Marine. Mr. Basque, I don't want to disillusion you, but let me tell you something about Marine life. Now, in the first few weeks, the Marine must learn how to walk miles with heavy marching equipment, how to stand guard, how to drill for hours on end, how to use the bayonet. He learns first aid, how to improvise structures under battle conditions, and how to handle grenades, rifles, and machine guns under direct bombardment. You understand that? Huh? Huh? I say, I say what's the matter? Well, there's so much noise going on, how am I going to study for my college degree? Mr. Basque, would you want the Marines to throw away their guns just so you can study? No, but if I could just keep quite for two, three hours a day, I'm appreciate it. Please, in the paper, you say you're going to picture me some trade. Well, we do, but as an antique dealer, you hardly qualify in metallurgy, engineering, photography, electronics, construction, similar trades. Now, what are you good at? I'm a good at the milking of goats. Perhaps I should give you a simple aptitude test to find out what you're best suited for. Now, these pictures here represent different types of battle equipment. Now, what would you say these are? Well, it's a look familiar. The tanks. You're welcome. Oh, brother. Now, look here, right here below the tanks. You see, now, here's a piece of naval equipment. Is that a U-boat? What? Is that a U-boat? No, that's another my boat. Oh, we can't have a third war. Mr. Basko, I'm afraid you don't give us much to go on. Now, there must be some field you can go into. Have you ever heard of jet pilots? No, I'm not got all the fashion to gas the range. Oh, fashion gas, yeah. Maybe we better leave the business of finding you a job for later. Believe me, there are hundreds of fascinating vocations. But I'm on a one-of-a-cation, I'm on a one-of-a-job. Mr. Basko, pay attention, I said vocations. And there's no telling what might interest you. You might take a liking to something like, well, aerial photography. How much money am I going to make if I can take into pictures of aliens? It's, uh... You see, it's obvious, it's obvious you don't know the meaning of aerial photography. You see what you do, you go up in a plane, they strap you onto the tip of a wing, and you take pictures of the ground at about 400 miles per hour. What are the jobs that you've got? Mr. Basko, I think your willingness to learn is more important than anything else. Now, if you'll just sign this enlistment paper, we'll work out the details later. I'm, I'm a sign of the paper. Yeah, that's right, I'm the bottom black line right there. Black line, all right. Fine. Then now, where am I going to start? You start right now. All right. Shut up! Why not smile off your face? I'm right! Shut up! Shut up! What do you mean, eating while you're on duty? Mr. Pascuali, by the time you read this, I'm going to be an Iwo Jima. Pascuali, you was right. So far in America, I've been good for nothing. So I'm going to join Uncle Sam and learn to trade. Pascuali, I'm realizing now that I was a very good and a patienter with a me better than I would deserve. You was always like a pocket to me and I must still love you, Luigi. That's a terrible, or else it's only your fault. My fault? Yes, you was always a hound at him to get him married. Poor little pumpkin ahead, the armies are going to kill him. He don't know it's a left for soccer from his right. Wait a minute, it's not too late. Hello, hello. Hello, operator. Give me Army and Lisbon a cent. Oh, that little pop is quick. Many things are happening here, but I'm never going to talk it to myself. Hello, Sergeant Brown, Army and Lisbon. Hello, United States Army. This is the Pascuali. I'm a helper with the last two war by watching out of airplanes out of my block. A friend of mine, Luigi Bosco, he's a runaway from a home to join the army, but you mustn't take him. He ain't a citizen. How can he fight the soldiers when he's still fighting for a second citizen of papers? Oh, does he have his first papers? Oh, sure. And he's acceptable. For this time, sir, he's probably a soldier. What? Oh, goodbye. Well, sir, we're too late. Oh, I've been such a big dope. I wouldn't give anything if I could get him out to anything. Hello, Pascuali. Hello, Russia. Luigi, you come back! Well, it's the longest story, Pascuali. I'm a winter marineser for a job, and instead of men asking me a lot of questions, he's making me much up and down as some doctors are examining me. And they give me malaria shots, type 40 shots, a six out of shots. Then they cut off my hair and push me in the next line. What's that little bandage on your arm? Before they push me in the next line, they take away pine of blood. Oh, Luigi, it was my fault you went through all this. But now that you're back, I'm going to make it all up for you. No, but, Pascuali, I'm just going to come back and to pack my clothes. What? You a marine? Sure. How you know? Because all the day, they've been teaching me to say, I know for three, for the half to half to six. That's terrible. Russell, what are we going to do? Straight to the governor, get you a parole. Believe me, Luigi, I would have do anything if I could have get you out. I forget what you owe me, forget a marriage. I would have make you a full apartment of my star. Oh, Pascuali, now I'm going to know how you really feel about me. For my part, if I wasn't a sign up for the Marines for the next 18 years, I would have married Russia right now. Oh, Pascuali! Russia's in no use when we call up at the Army. They say they take anybody. If they take anybody, they take Luigi. Pardon me, it's private basketball here. No, it's so many private or basketball United States Marines. Oh! On the Marine Corps. Oh, Pascuali! Don't take him away. Oh, Pascuali! Pascuali! Pascuali! Pascuali! Pascuali! Pascuali! Pascuali! Pascuali! Pascuali! I'm a pack of the bags. Uh, Mr. Basco, the enlistment section just checked over your papers and they find a mistake has been made. Huh? You are not a full citizen. Fools! Yes, we just called the Army and it told us they accept the head. Uh, well, sir, first papers are enough for the Army, but the Marines requires full citizenship. Uh, Mr. Basco, I've got bad news for you. You can't be a Marine. What? Mama mia, I'm a no-Marina. I'm a just a Luigi Basco! Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Good night. Oh, Pasquale, life is good to us. You got to wish I'm no more Marine. Now you and me, we're partners and we're going to live happily after that. Well, if I'm a promised, I'm a promised. Right, partner? Luigi, we're not the partners. Huh? Rosa, get away from me. But why, Pasquale? My daughters are going to have nothing to do with a draught of dodgers. Homer was almost in a Marines, without that Homer didn't go. And right now around here it's like they're saying a word all quiet and Pasquale in front. He's going to say nothing and I'm going to say nothing. I'm going to figure out let them keep his business as long as he keeps his daughter Rosa. But I'm going to think maybe Pasquale is really happy that I'm going to come back just before he's coming to my school and he's brought to me some milk and some stale of cookies. And he didn't write it down in his little black book. I made a sure I'm a paid man of cash. You're lovin' a son of Luigi Vasco the little immigrant. Folks, the makers of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi. And they'd like to remind you that a refreshing stick of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum is an ideal taste treat to enjoy between your meals. It isn't rich or heavy, yet it does satisfy that little craving for something good in your mouth to chew on. Besides, as you know, chewing is good for the teeth and digestion. So carry a package of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum with you wherever you go. Then, morning, noon, or night, you'll always be set for some real chewing enjoyment. The makers of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum invite you to listen next week at the same time when Luigi Vasco writes another letter to his mama Vasco in Italy. Life with Luigi is a Psy Howard production and is written by Matt Benhoff and Lou Dermond and directed by Matt Benhoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Vasco with Alan Redis-Basquale, Hans Connery de Schultz, Jody Gilbert as Rosa, Mary Shippas-Miss Baldwin, Joe Forte as Horowitz, and Ken Peters as Olson. Music is under the direction of love, Justin. Friends, Wrigley Company invite you to listen to their other program, the Gene Autry Show, of every Saturday night over most of the same CBS station. Bob Stevenson speaking, this is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting Station.