 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life, Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J Carol Ash with Alan Reed is to swallow. You know friends, Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country, and the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program, a friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of Wrigley's Spearman Gum are glad to bring you Life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hour transcribed entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his mama basco in Italy. Mamma mia. Today is going to be one of the biggest days of my life. I'm going to march into my first big parade since I'm in America. I'm going to remember when I'm a first to come here. Here you know how I'm a like a parade of mamma mia. Well I'm a silly little one, but five or six people. So I'm going to get behind the men with a big bass to drum. That's a go boom, boom, boom. And I'm a marcher. Always a wonderful, everybody's calling me brother. People is a throw money at me. And when it's all over I'm a find out I'm a member of the Salvation Army. And then a few months later I'm a senior parade, about the ten men. They're not going to fire, they're just marching up and back in front of a store. So I'm a marcher too. Here they also call me brother, but nobody's a throw me pennies, and I'm a find out I'm what they call a picket. Then a few weeks later I'm a senior street, another parade. This isn't much longer. So again I'm getting back in a march. And nobody is a calling me brother. Nobody is a throw me the pennies. Nobody's even a talk to me. Then all of the people they take out of the handkerchief. So I'm going to take out of my handkerchief. And then they start to cry. So I'm going to cry too. Soon I'm going to cry louder than anybody else. Everybody is a turn to me and say, must be poor Charlie's a brother. But anyway today is going to be a real big parade for 4th of July. And I'm going to make a no mistake when I'm a marcher there. Because of my whole night school class, they're going to march you with me. And the last night when I went to my night school, my teacher Miss Baldwin was a toless all about the parade. Oh, I remember how good I'm a felt on my way to the class. Yes, America, I love you. You like a papa to me. From ocean to ocean. That's all I chose no matter. Everything is going to be fine. Quiet class, please. All right. Let's come to attention. I'll call a roll. Mr. Basko. Here. Mr. Harwitz. Here. Mr. Olsen. Mr. Schultz. Here present in attendance and at your service. Mr. Schultz. Oh, I'm so sorry. For a minute, I thought I was a gas station attendant. Thank you, fellow boobers. Mr. Schultz, can I please have some choir? Sorry, all we got is mobile gas. Mr. Schultz, what am I going to do with you? Oh, have I got a suggestion? Mr. Schultz, please. It's no use begging me, Spalding. I'm already married. I didn't mean that. Well, let's get on with our history lesson. Uh-huh. So you think I'm cute, huh? Come on, admit it, Mr. Spalding. I do not. Uh-huh. I got you flustered. You have not. We will now discuss our history lesson. Now, everyone knows that Washington crossed the Schultz in a boat. I mean, Washington crossed the Potomac in a Schultz. Careful, you're scraping my barnacles. We will now get on with our history lesson. Now, class, if any of you knows the answer, raise your hand. Now, who can tell me five causes of the Revolutionary War? I know, Miss Spalding. Don't ask any further. I got the whole answer. Oh, what a showoff. Will somebody call up Washington and have him throw Olsen across the Potomac? Mr. Olsen, I know you know all the answers, but I want to see if anyone else knows. Come now, class, five causes of the Revolutionary War. Anybody? Well, how about four causes? All right, three. Two. Miss Spalding, the war is over. What do you want to do? Start up again? Oh, please. Mr. Basko, do you know the answer? No. Mr. Horowitz. I'm sorry. I don't carry a grudge. Please, Miss Spalding, no one knows. That's my turn to give the answer. There he goes. One good apple spoils the whole rotten barrel. Please ignore him, Mr. Olsen. Go on. Five causes of the Revolutionary War. One, heavy taxes on the colonies. Two, not enough representation in government. Three, foreign soldiers on American soil. Four, unfair legislation. And five, British capture of American ships. Himmel, no wonder I hate English mustard. That was very good, Mr. Olsen. Mr. Basko, why is it that you couldn't answer any of the questions? Well, I'm spalling it to tell the truth. How was you thinking of the big parade tomorrow and how happy I'm going to be too much? Oh, yes, I'm glad you reminded me. Class, I want you to remember this carefully. Now, we're all meeting at 12 o'clock on the morning of Michigan and 16th, right by the Armory, where we'll join the parade. How am I going to Hollywood? This is going to be a wonderful parade. Ah, yeah, yeah. I know a place on the way. I fell as though it's the most delicious hot dogs in the world. We're going to stop and buy from him, huh? What more we have to buy hot dogs? My wife asked us to make a wonderful strudel. Be enough for all of us. I think hot dogs. Oh, that was a good idea, Horowitz. Yeah, I will bring some smorgasbord and some Swedish wine for the strudel. What's the matter with hot dogs? Yeah, wait a bit, but I don't forget the meat. I'm going to Pasquale Spaghetti Paris and order some pizza. Oh, kill me. I like hot dogs. Clash, that sounds wonderful. Mr. Schultz, why do you insist on hot dogs? Because I was the fellow who was going to be selling them. She's my friend. Hey, Pasquale, how many of you should do me a favor? You got to make me a lot of pizziola. I'm going to feed a biggie cloud. Luigi, my son, whoo-hoo, I'm going to kiss you. Well, Pasquale, what the father? All I'm going to say is I wanted you to make me a pizziola for a big cloud. That's right. You're taking my daughter Rosa out of picnic. No, Pasquale, it's for a parade. And I'm going to do it with my night school class. How much money do you want for five big orders of a pizza? Money, money, money. Luigi, you think everything in life is money. There's some things in life that money can't buy. Like what, Pasquale? Like love, marriage, good wife. Pasquale, I'm not the man in you, daughter Rosa. Please, Luigi, you marry her now, and I promise you I never ask you again. No, Pasquale, she's too fat for me. Luigi, they go to business, Amanda. When you marry a woman, you must look for value. Value? Sure. When you buy a toothpaste, what do you buy, the smaller size or the medium size? Is it no use, Pasquale? I'm not going to buy the giant economy size. You're talking a stupid. Remember, good things, they always come in a bigger package. You mean a little package. Shut up, but today I'm pushing a bigger package. Luigi, you ain't using your head. Don't you know bachelor life is very good, but it ain't for single fellas. You marry my Rosa, got a nice honeymoon, all expenses are paid. You bring her back at your new house, carry her across to the threshold. Carry Rosa across to the threshold? With what? With your arms, that's a what? Pasquale, you know I could never carry Rosa across to the threshold? All right, then I'll buy you a bulldozer and you push her across. No, Pasquale, please, Rosa's a nice girl, but not for me. Just to tell me, are you going to make me food for this parade tomorrow? No, I'm not going to have nothing to do with you. Sit down, my little pumpkin head. Oh, thank you, Pasquale. Luigi, this parade means a lot to you, eh? Oh, yes, Pasquale, I'm going to be so proud of walking in my first big parade. I'm going to feel like a real American. Luigi, I've got a way as a guarantee to make you the biggest and the best American at a parade tomorrow. Well, that's wonderful. How, Pasquale? When the parade is a pass to the reviewer stand at 9th to the Michigan, you've got to explode the biggest of firecrackers that they ever saw. Yeah, but, Pasquale, I think I'm a herder that shooting off of the firecrackers acts against the law. Oh, yes, you're right, but that was before they invented the Fourth of July. Aye. After the Fourth of July, they made illegal the fireworks by passing a Fourth Amendment. And this amendment is also called the Taft Hartley Act, which is a means that anybody can shoot off a firecrackers unless their name is Taft or Hartley. What's your name? Luigi, Pasquale. You lucky pup for you. Pasquale, how do you know so much about the law? Well, I'm always like the keeper missing a form. Every chance I get, I read the Washington paper, the Congressional Racket, you see. Now, Luigi, you leave everything to your good friend Pasquale. I'm going to buy you the biggest of firecrackers in the town. Pasquale, you're so wonderful to me. Hey, you think when I'm exploded the firecrackers, they're going to take my name or put in my pitch in a paper so I'm going to send it to Italy? Luigi, you don't have to send you pitch it to Italy. They're going to send you there. Me? What? On a goodwill tour. And Luigi, tomorrow is really going to be a bigger day for you. Believe me, when you explode those firecrackers, people are going to be so touched that they're going to be carried away with emotion. Oh, Pasquale, I'm going to get to you to thank her for that. That's all right, Luigi. And if my thank you is all right, you're going to be carried away too. Now go, go, go, go. I'm going to take care of everything. All right, Pasquale. And thank you for everything. Goodbye. Goodbye, little banana nose. And remember, don't tell anybody how you're going to shoot off a fireworks because then they do it too and there won't be no surprise. All right, Pasquale. I'm not telling nobody. So is your fourth of July parade is more important than my roasts, eh? Well, I fix a him a good. I'm not a mean man, but when somebody is purposely go out of his way, not to marry my daughter, I'm the biggest rat in the Chicago. Hello, police department. This is Pasquale, the rat. Fellows, a good friend of yours. I got a tip for you. My name is sorry, but I got to keep my identity under my head. Anyway, if you stand on a Michigan night tomorrow at 12 o'clock when the parade is passed by, you're going to see a fellow who's suddenly got crazy and shoot off a firecrackers or not. Tell me what else is it going to do? Huh? What kind of fellow he is? Well, I'm not to say and he's supervasive, but all I can tell you he's eaten only a pink salmon. He's always a sneezing in a red handkerchiefs. And his favorite drink is a Moscow Mule. Before we return to life with Luigi, here's a little thought that's good to keep in mind. It's the fact that Wrigley's spearman chewing gum is really a two-way treat. It's a taste treat with lots of delicious long-lasting flavor and it's a chewing treat, something good that you can chew on for as long as you want. What's more, this pleasant chewing aids digestion and helps keep your teeth bright and clean so it's especially helpful right after a meal. Enjoy healthful, delicious Wrigley's spearman chewing gum often and be sure that the folks at your house always have some handy. Keep a few packages on the living room table. And now let's turn to page two of Luigi Basco's letter to his mother-in-law. And so, Mamma Mia, in a few minutes the Schultz is going to meet me here and we're going to gather to my first photo of July parade. Over there, Pasquale's are going to hand me the firecrackers and I'm going to shoot them off. Mamma Mia, maybe my pictures are going to be in the newsreel. Can you imagine one day you're going to walk into the movies in Italy and there's going to be double a feature? Luigi Basco and my friends are going to go west. Why is it going to be a big day? Luigi, my fellow boobie. Hello Schultz. What's the matter, Luigi? You're talking so shaky. Well, Schultz, I'm a little nervous. You know, it's my first parade but maybe you ought to have a little schnifter too. You think a schnifter is going to make me look better? Would it? You should see my hairings. How beautiful they look when they are pickled. They lose all their nervousness. Last week I pickled two of them and today they were standing up in the barrel daring me to come down and get them. Oh, Schmei, Luigi, I'm only trying to cheer you up. Oh, well, thank you, Schultz. I'm a feeling better already. Hey Schultz, look at all of this food that a Pasqualee is. They give me three for the parade. No, stop. When Pasqualee gives anything away, it's got strings attached. Rosa's apron strings. Oh, Schultz, there's no strings attached. Pasqualee is a very good heart of the man. While I'm walking with a parade, he's a promise to take my picture with her that the new, you know, the Polaroid camera. What? Hats of the camera where you press the button and the picture comes out in one minute. Isn't that the fast? What's so fast? Last week I went to a picture. It was so terrible I came out in 10 seconds. Now, what other favors is Pasqualee going to do? Well, Schultz, that's a secret. But are you going to find out later? All right, well, come on, we've got to go to the parade now. All right, Schultz, come on. I'm a feeling nervous again. Please, Luigi, stop this at nervous business. Smile, Luigi. Be like me, calm. Always happy, loving. Oh. My rheumatism is killing me. Parade in a moment, and we don't want anyone else to do it. Oh, my God. Parade in a moment, and we don't want anyone getting lost. The food is such fun. Look, I brought the vinaigrette. Oh, and I brought some smorgasbord. Great, you taste my strudel. I'm a gut of the pizza. Himmel, it sounds like the United Nations with heartburn. Well, don't worry. I brought something American, the bicarbonate of soda. Oh, my God. Hey, Schultz, Miss Barling, she's a funnier than you. Miss Barling, maybe you and me have a celebration together, huh? We have a program called Breakfast in Night School. Oh. Look, here comes all of the people that started the parade. Oh, look. Here comes all the factory contingents. Reikers of the Dr. Scholl foot pad company. They must be breaking in a new shipment of arch supports. Oh, look, how heavy. They stamp up and down. Here's another one. Reikers of the Swanson foot pad company. Look at that drum major. Instead of carrying a baton, he is waving a shake. All right, class. The parade captain is motioning us. Mr. Vasco, Mr. Vasco. Yes, sir. You carry the flag. Me? Me carry the flag? Mama me. Help us, Barling. What? Mr. Vasco, where are you going? It's a surprise. Don't be too long, Luigi. All right. What is the stuff you brought? Luigi, here's the fire practice. Here's the matches, and you light them. All right. Where are you going? I'm going to call a cop to make sure he don't miss you. Thank you, Pasquale. Everybody look there. Now I'm going to light this one. That's for me, officer. Have you ever said I'm with the one? Oh, yeah? Let me have that. All right, to hear it. What's happening to the policeman? I tell you, you got nothing to worry about. I'm going to get you the best lawyer there is and I'll have you out of jail in the 50 to 20 years. But Pasquale, you told me it wasn't out against the law to shoot off the firecrackers. Well, I made a mistake. But I believe me, the whole thing was purely intentional. Besides, who told you the cop that the firecrackers are a hand? You know, when he's climbed down from that lamppost he was ready to kill you. That's the worst day of my life. How would I do anything to get out of this? Anything, Luigi? Well, almost anything. Listen, Luigi, visiting time is almost up. In two minutes you're going to be up in front of the judge. If you marry my Rose, I get her the best lawyer in the town. We put up your bail. He's the heaviest of your corpus. Then we drag your case through the court for five or six years. By that time you get your citizen papers and cases of dismissed. What do you say, my son? All right, papa. Good. I call in the bashful bride. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! I'm drinking a violet. Say hello to Luigi. Rosa, guess what? Luigi is about to offer you his hand. What do you say to that? Oh, shut up, you... All right, time's up. Vasco, follow me. Don't worry, Luigi. I'm going to take care of everything. Court is now in session. Judge Mitchell presiding. Your honor, all these men here are charged by the fireworks ordinance. Pleasure, your honor. I'm going to try to be good American. I'm going to noice against the law. Pay no attention to that fellow, judge. He's to get the good lawyer to defend it. Quiet. I'll have no comments in the courtroom. No, stop, stop. I heard all about it and I came as quick as I could. It's not Luigi's fault. It's not Pasquale. He got Luigi all for shimmels. Quiet. Quiet. Now, you men. Every year at this time, I get a group of men who continue violating a very important safety ordinance. Almost every city in the United States has a Fourth of July spectacle where you may witness a fireworks display in a safe and sane way. Why you persist in endangering your life and the lives of your children and your property? I cannot understand. But, judge, I'm always trying to be good American. You're all good Americans. Wait. I'll give you a chance to prove it. Let's hear you all sing the Star-Spangled Banner. All right, come on. I say, can you see by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed in the twilight's last gleaming harnessed by the stars through the perilous fight o'er the ramparts we watched was so gallantly streaming and the rockets red glare bombs bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flag was still there O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. You. What's your name? L-L-L-L-Louis de Basque. Don't be frightened. The case against you is dismissed. You're the only person I've ever heard sing the Star-Spangled Banner through from beginning to end. Thank you, Judge. Mr. Basque, if you've taken the time to memorize our national anthem, you must be a good citizen. I'm not a seconder stanza, too. That makes him too good citizen. But a judge, you can't let him go. I'm gonna hire him a lawyer. Yeah, who are you? I'm the chief Luigi the Fireworks. Yes, I'm the excellent troll. Well, I've got nothing against you for that. In fact, I'd like to get some fireworks myself. You would? Why, certainly. But I don't know where to get them. You'd be a friend of mine if you'd tell me. Well, in that case, I'm happy to be a service to you. Basque is a spaghetti palace at 23 North Hall Street. That's all I want to know. I thought you were the guilty party two days in jail. Hey, wait, the judge, wait! Luigi, where are you going, my son? I'm gonna get to you a lawyer. Happy as you come, Mr. Papa. And so, ma'am and me, after I'm gonna get out of court, I'm gonna join a parade and I'm gonna have the most wonderful time of my life. At the end of a parade, there was a big sign which shows a picture of a declaration of independence which was signed by great Americans. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal. Ma'am and me, isn't it a funny thing? These are great men, realizing this almost 200 years ago, and some people still don't understand it. Well, goodnight, ma'am and me. I'm alike to wish you a happier July 4th, but by the time you're gonna get this letter, it's gonna be two weeks later. So I'm gonna wish you a happier July 18th. Do you love your son, Luigi Vasco, the little immigrant? Folks, the makers of Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi, and they'd like to remind you that refreshing Wrigley Spearman is an ideal treat for your whole family to enjoy. You can give it to youngsters without worrying about spoiling their appetites. And you can enjoy it every day yourself because it's never rich or heavy. So for a delicious taste treat and a healthful chewing treat all combined into one, get some Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum. It costs very little, and it tastes mighty good. The makers of Wrigley Spearman Gum invite you to listen next week at the same time when Luigi Vasco writes another letter to his mama Vasco in Italy. Life with Luigi was transcribed and is produced and directed by Psy Howard. Mac Banoff writes the script with Lou Derman. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Vasco with Alameda Spasqually, Hans Conridershills, Jody Gilbert as Rosa, Mary Ship as Miss Faulding, Joe Forte as Horowitz, and Ken Peters as Olsen. Music is under the direction of Lud Gruskin. Friends, the Wrigley Company invite you to listen to their other program, the Gene Offrey Show, every Saturday night over most of the same CBS station. Bob Stevenson speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.