 All Doctor Who wrote members will stay in their homes. The males, the females, the other ones. If you do not comply, you will be exterminated. You will obey. Did nothing. Homo section at the Homo sapiens. If you found an escapee, so look at Professor. It's quite fascinating. Come on. The citadel of the time lots of the planet Gallifrey. Of course the planet I was originally from or my character. As a Doctor, you know him. You've heard of him, I assume. Now, if you give me 24 hours, I can... You're telling me? I'm enough to shave two, brothers. Yeah, that makes sense. Anyway, last time I was shown in this stupid series, I was having a shit. And now, this. This is terrible for my image. Nice to see you've got your head in the right place. Bloody ridiculous. Oh no, all we did was sign the contract to be in Doctor Who, and then, just because we didn't read the fine print, we locked up in Doctor Who Road for all eternity. Twice over, if you count that. I mean, I meant the constant surveillance, but now you mention it. The whole premise is sort of bizarre, isn't it? A phrase of great power, wisdom, and consolation to the soul. David? At times. You don't say. Oh shut up, Walt. Oh, I knew you would be. I'm not Russell T. Davis, not Stephen Moffat, not even John Sim as a skeleton man. How are you speaking to us? Sonic screwdriver. With a bit of a boost. You see, I've got something that the middling Moffat wouldn't want me to have. Sex appeal. Oh yes! Well, no, no, it's this. What's that? Uh, hello? Sorry, David. It's me, Bernard Cribbins. Honest Lord. Cribbins! You okay? I'll save it for the retirement. Professional, sorry. Right, listen closely. How did you lock onto me? There ain't much differentiating me from everyone else in this world. Oh, come on. There's only one way to lock onto you. Have I ever told you how much I fucking love you? Where have you been since the last time, Sawyer? I was locked up in the old road. I'm sorry, but he's in ruin. Yeah, Sawyer too. Only briefly. You know what? That's the past. He's been haunting me all this time. You know, I think... I think it's time I let the past go. You sure you can manage? China! Still alive, I see. Yes! Of course! The crystal's in the right universe now, so we can recharge! Oh yes! I've never been so happy to see your face. Where are you? Oliver seems to be on her own flaws that Moffat has fortified. Right, okay, good. That'll make freeing you all much easier. So let's focus on getting me out, break down this barrier here. I'll go defeat Moffat, then I'll free you all at the end. How's that sound? Terrible! We need to work together here! David's right! And I don't often say that. Oi, back me up here. You know as well as I do how bad Moffat is. Do you know who you sound like? With any hope, Christopher Eccleston. Well, yeah, but that's not what I mean. You sound like... We don't have time for you to wax philosophical about Gallifrey's shine. Listen! It gets in your head. It insists that you have to push everyone else away. Does that make sense? David, Moffat left my gun and teleport in front of us. Right, I'll work on a way of breaking down your barrier. Shouldn't be too hard as you should be one layer. Count ten inch. Stop it! Now, you should have two sonic screwdrivers on you. Sorry, Jodie! She says it's fine. Actually, I've spoken to all of our Dr. Friends and... She'll look at them on a call? Um, best not. Let's have our grand reunion at the end. Yeah, celebrate. Plus, we'll never get much done with that much ego in one call. Hiya! Just saying. Okay, sick time and... Gribbins has something he wants to say. Hi, Chris! Hi, Rose! So, you replaced me, did ya? I used to be. Yeah, speaking of that, firstly, fuck you, Rose. If it wasn't for you, I'd be sipping two of my own. But no, someone had to replace you and tell himself, didn't they? Oh, couldn't have been done up. Couldn't have been marked for no. It has to be a wheel-free bar. Fuck you! Look, in my defence, it really should have been your granddaughter. I don't actually care. But secondly, Chris, there's something in your back and he will not want to... No, no, can't hear ya! No, no, can't hear ya! It's just a prank. Sorry about that. Talk soon. Point sharp. All right. Gone. That bad, was it? Yes, yes, don't panic. The bad man. I almost forgot you were in this fight. Why does that have played me in your silly little show? Even though... It's not funny, is it? It despises you and every strand of DNA that makes you up. Oh, ha ha ha! Got ya. Sorry, right. Mr. Ross. Why have you sided with Moffa? What's he offered ya? A great variety of things. Revenge against Paul McGann, who has bested me before. Presents of the world. My reality bomb on a lesser universe. As well as his great, mysterious powers held within his pen. Gorsies, why am I not surprised? Should have destroyed that stupid thing when I had the chance. You know of this device. Know of it? Bitch, I wheeled in it. This very road that we dwell in now was created by... Well, I think so, anyway. Rebooted, at least. You held such power, you simply let me. Not quite, but continue. As racist fascist dictators go, you're my second favourite, just below Queen Elizabeth II. Too soon, then. Why don't you come and join us? Face to face so we can talk some more about this pen. Maybe I can even give you a few tips on when you get to use it or help you get it early. And what do you get in return? Is that what I am? What are you testing? What are you using me for? Isn't this what you want, anyway? This stupid thing? Silence will fall, that's what you want, that's what you say, this will do it. What's stopping you? Only when the time is right to be proud of you. I should check in on your biggest cash cow tenant. It's been a hot minute. I don't know if he's fucked the cushions, yeah? Plus it is imperative that I find out how Rose escaped. Can't be having that. Oh, sick! Take it for me. Hey, Dave, send one of your least stupid Dalek drones to Tendon's floor. Got some sort of camera outage. Don't send one of your stupid bronze ones. Send one of mine. I have no idea what you're doing. I'll be honest, explaining it's not going to help me. No, no, don't you dare apologise. None of this is your fault. Besides, it's kind of cool being this close to the adventure again. It's been so long since I've been a part of it all. Sounds peaceful. Oh, yeah, yeah. At the beginning, sure. But after a while, old men can get bored too, Dave. Nice to see you. You doing with your sonic device? The last person who asked that really didn't like the answer. Why is your security camera offline? Oh, you got me. I was turning it off so I could have a cheeky wank. Unacceptable! It shall be repaired! From my superior! Fancy a game of Scrabble or something? Daleks do not play Scrabble. Er, what's your game of choice then? Monopoly? Jenga? Twista? I hate my rank. So, let me reiterate my terms. You helped me by turning off that camera there and I'll help you get the writer's pen for exclusive use in your dimension. Do we have a deal? Are you sure about this? I mean, you're basically making a deal with Super Mega Hitman. No, I'm making a deal with a fake alien from the mid-70s. You either become one yourself or suffer unceasing pain at my... Do you know what I like most about you? You have my word. I will be watching very closely. Now, how do you suggest escaping the holding cell? I do not have control of these. David, go! Oh, oh dear. Dalek, you had a hold your nose because I've got a fart. Daleks do not have noses. I'm still work. Quick march. Do you like my gun? So much so, I'm keeping it. So, if I... OK. If I see a Dalek, what am I supposed to do? Well, seduce it. Works on tenon. Now go! At least not until I get back. I shall instruct my children to refrain from shooting her. I only ask that you do not release Ace and the one you call Sylvester McCoy until we make a full retreat. They are considered to be the most prolific Dalek murderers in our history. It's a problem. Right, Davros, I need to alter our deal. The leader of the Daleks has got to be a new low for you. What's the idea you could have used with John Barrett? Worst nicknames? Where's Dave? Owl. You say foolish. Where's your loyalty? Interpure Daleks specimens. Our creator has vision but is nothing but an impure failure. Congrats, Davros. He's been out resisted by his own kid. He'll be very proud. Now where is he? Is this life? What? You can't just leave me here tied up with this stupid thing. Goodbye. Oh, you will love this one. It's called Animal Crossing. All animals will be exterminated. Oh, I like this one. It's one of my favourites. How about my Minecraft? We shall mine for resources to help the Dalek cause and craft them into weapons of mass human destruction. Explain once we get you guys out of here. You can't read. There's a time and a place, Chris. Fair point. Where is it? Desk. Let's save the day. What are you waiting for? You can wipe out the Daleks, defeat Morphat, free everyone from their selves in one fell swoop. What are you waiting for? You have the power of use it. You might have laid traps for me or some sort of failsafe. I can't risk releasing anyone yet. Not even Rose. Take your leg! Shall I die? And when this thing's fully charged, we can get to Chris before he does something stupid like go up against Morphat alone. He wouldn't do that, though. He promised, you see. Correction. You shall remain here. What did you do that for? You're on our side. Orders from our creator and the human Christopher Eccleston. Idiot! If he lives through this, I am gonna kill him! She is going to kill you. Well, come on then. What's stopping you from just turning Morphat inside out? Come on, we can do this now. Think of all the pain that he has put you through. I've seen all of it. It's all in those Doctor Who Road films. Him closing down your prop shop. He manipulated you for years. Allowed Batman villains and Cybermen to invade your whole road. And worst of all, raised multiple armies in this road as well to take you and all of your friends out. So come on, tell him! I know! And of everyone in this fucking road, I know! We have not seen each other in the flesh for quite some time. How healthy you're looking is something the matter. What are you doing here? Just surveying this prison setup you have. Excellent defences. Thoughts on the camera setup? Could use some improvements. Against Dalek laser fire? Among other such attacks. Let's stop messing around. You've been sold out, Dave. So, why? Are you talking to Christopher Eccleston? Sold out by... Don't change the subject! Were you talking to Christopher fucking Eccleston? And there he is. You don't seem too surprised. As soon as I saw you had gone from here, I knew I couldn't get back to my office in time. That's okay. Bit pathetic. Then again, you always sort of were, weren't you? Or you have safeguards in place. Bingo! Well, that would explain the slight... Internal bleeding. I'm not stupid. If you ever got out of this, where else would you go? You'd be lying for that stupid pen. So every time you use it... Always a barrel of laughs this one. Ever since 2004. Here he comes. It's Mr. Coupling, man. Fuck off. A simple solution is to hand the pen over to me. I doubt he put safeguards against his ally. Want to take that chance? Plus, no offence. Creator of the Dalek race. But you will never get your hands on this. Now, if you don't mind, this is more of a private chit chat we've got going on. So, see ya. All Daleks will withdraw through the cracks. This world has become far too unstable. I repeat, all Daleks will withdraw to Scarow. Don't shoot here! Yet you very much did. You what? The cracks and the skin of the world? Don't be unbelief. Stop referencing your own shit writing. Now, let me take a stab in the dark. You made them. Your stupid creation from your stupid series anyway. Fair to guess, but... No. You see, a while back, someone did something so... momentous. With that pen, that it damaged the walls between realities. So that beings can cross from one to the other with relative ease. Such as yourself? You know what? Doesn't matter. What does matter is you telling me what big momentous thing was done with this. Or so. Genuinely stupid that you think you can reboot an entire road for the very rich, beautiful history. What's this? It was my reward. It came at a cost. All my losses. All their deaths! That was the cost! I tried to pin this all on my gun for a laugh. I told Ailey it was all his fault. That was the true of course, just for the giggle. It was all only I can fix it. Pre-written death note. I've got this page. You die. I feel you're ignoring the fairly obvious number on the back of your hand. What number? Oh. You mean that? Well I was going to sort that once you were gone but you go and then humour me. Like I said, the more you use the pen, the more it kills you. I figured you'd appreciate a countdown. I've only got one. Oh yeah. And do you really want to waste out on me? I mean there's so much to do. Think about it. You need to free your friends. You need to revert the road back to normal. That's going to take a bit of doing. Seeing Rose again. And of course the most tantalising of them all. Fixing yourself. What have you got to say? I've had a long time to think about what I'd say to you. And your conclusion was? Even after everything you did back in the old world. Daft thing is I would have forgiven you. What? If we were good. No more revenge plots, murder attempts, mind fuckery, all that. I would have forgiven you. Today? I think you've shown your true colours for the final time. Yeah. You know I never thought about it like that. You put it so well. I'd be down for that if you would. Fuck off. I always wanted peace. Every day of my stinking life I only wanted peace. But you never let me. Even now, 19 years after first being imprisoned here. You still can't let me. So, I guess that leaves me with just one last thing to say. Say your show now. You bloody idiot. Hello to you too. I did it. He's dead. For good this time. What can I say? I am the best at getting rid of crappy writers. Nasty habit though. Okay, okay, that's good. Alright, get up. We'll get you to Russell. He won't let you down. But this is the end. I have seconds on the most. After all these years waiting for each other. You've had no time. It was fantastic. And you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I. Is this death? You get used to it. Oh, great. What is this? Ghost of Christmas past. Come to teach me the meaning of Christmas. Nice soap. Wearing it to guilt me or something. You're really not getting this, are you? To be fair, dear boy. You didn't. Yeah, okay. It's tricky to process. Sir, allow me to explain. No. You'll only get it wrong. Allow me to explain. Allow me to explain. I don't have that to say. I don't have that to say. I don't have that to say. I don't have that to say. Search dominance. Eternity has never been more stressful. Oh, shut it, Captain Beige. You're worrying the man. Basically, Chris. You have become something greater. Far greater than you once were. Still not getting it, but keep bickering. It's funny. Chris, you must take this seriously. Paul is right. This is life-changing stuff. Literally. No, no. You must type it up more before the gut punch reveal. Gut punch? What do you mean? Well, now look what you've done. He looks like he's about to purr himself. There's literally no way of cleaning that here in the afterlife. Okay, I can explain what's all this. But, everybody stop that. I'm afraid she... ...come to terms with my...failings. Well, thankfully because of the Star Wars shenanigans, some of the Star Wars logic began to take hold. Like how whenever a new head writer is in charge... You know what? I don't care. I've spent the last three years... ...years regretting what I did. Thinking there was no other way. Thinking I'd never get to see any of you again. Just as I was getting to know you. I hear you all are. All of you are alive. Uh, yeah, no, no. Still dead. Still very much. Dead. Okay, false ghost. Sure. But... Who cares? You're all here. All of you. And all you had to do... ...was die. Yeah, shockingly it wasn't something I was willing to have a go at. Well, not until today, I guess. Now, I think it's time to show you how eternity is going to work. Wait, wait. Before we start, back in the old world, on the worst day of my life... ...rebooted everything like I was alone. You were... We were all there for you... ...in your final moments. And we were so... Do you think about the right choice? You couldn't have brought us all back. I mean, the pen is powerful, but not that powerful. You had no other choice. A scary choice than that. What you did... ...was something only the strongest of us... ...could have done. And I don't just mean... ...rebooting yourself. He means... ...moved on... ...kept living your life. You have no idea the weird shit... ...that I've got not to in this new place. Oh, but we do. Oh, this is one of my favourite perks. The ones I agree. What's this? A gateway. A relief. Or a beginning. Or to be frank, a television remote. You get signal in the afterlife. Well, we do only get one. But it's the greatest show in the galaxy.