 Oh my giddy aunt! You know, I've met your aunt. She isn't even that giddy. Do you need a hand? Shockingly, I don't need the help of a Scottish Highlander with fixing a washing machine. You really forget that we're all just actors here, don't you? So you can help? And no, not in any way. But then bugger off! Why don't you just buzz it with your Sonic Skiddy driver? Because unlike my modern replacements, I'm not desperate. Oh my... Listen! You look pretty desperate to me. But you know what? I will use my Sonic Skiddy driver. Yes, a bloody good idea. Oh, you fucking bastard! That's what I thought. Hang on. That doesn't look like clothing. I'm a single, solitary reason why you're even using my washing machine to begin with. Let alone leaving your silly, Sonic device in the pocket. And ever since Russell fixed the entirety of Doctor Who wrote, not only have you gotten your own washing machine, so you can do your own stupid washing, which you will wash that again, but you also have an entire floor. All to yourself. You don't have to see me in any way. And you're not even listening to me, are you? No. Are we done? Not until you've learnt your lesson. Now, I've prepared some detailed instructions for you on how to use the washing machine. So if you were to have questions such as, hmm, should I put my fucking Sonic in there? You simply refer to the instructions and we'll see a little picture of me there with a caption that reads, over my d- What was that? Short ass? Um... Were you always this tall? Only when the joke demands it. Anything else? Uh, yeah, hi, Jamie McCliffin. Um... Were you using a regular screwdriver to fix your Sonic 1? I hate this place. You forgot! Oh, great. It's spreading. You are the Doctor! You will miss! Chris! Is that your old chap? I had a really cool torn flip. I see the baddest between our worlds have broken down. Even faster. My Dalek scientists estimate that a full invasion is within reach. Oh, that is music to my ears, Dave. I have told you, if this alliance is to work, then you must refrain from calling me Dave. And I've told you that I can wipe your entire fleet out with a single sentence. So shut the fuck up, Dave. Puse in. If I held such power within my palm, I would wipe my enemies out without question. Are you perhaps fearful of the consequences? See, unlike you, with your petty emotions driving every action, final score to settle. Cleaning your bedroom again? Because you love me! I do? I say. Oh, get a room! I already have one. He's cleaning it. Do you still need this? That could be thrown into the Medusa Cascade. What? He means this. I see. Getting old chap, my memoirs, as well as my real. With all my fellow Doctor Actors going missing, I fear the worst for my life. There are dark days ahead for all of us. And our futures are... uncertain. Didn't this used to be a comedy series? What do you give me? I say I fear for my life, and you immediately respond with what do I get when you bite it? I say! Yes, bang on. I'll tell you what you get! Help me! I'm starving! I can't! Well, I wouldn't go that far. In the name of telling a lie! I'm the Doctor! Well, of course I am! And who might you be? The cleaner? A pepper pot? Barnaby Edwards? I am your sworn enemy! John Nathan Turner, then! Oh, crap. Tom! Everyone get down! Not that. Grandfather, all those books at least a hundred times each. Why don't I request to Moffat that he gets us some new ones? You're talking about the man who once made me say, aren't all women made of glass? Shockingly, I don't think that maniac helps me in high regard. Ah, sorry. I'll just read the backs of the DVDs. Susan Foreman is a mystery to the teachers Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright, seemingly knowing more than she should about the past and the future. We all have the same handwriting. It's so kooky. So this'll be why you've been so quiet recently? Yeah. I've been... Going bananas? No! You don't happen to have any bananas, do you? No. No. Okay. The second Moffat got in charge of this road again, he got rid of all bananas. All of them. Every single one. Can you believe that? What he does when he hit you where it hurts? Well, at least he can't watch us anymore. Well, that raises horrible implications about my bedroom. But hang on, you were head-riding before him! Don't worry, I'm gay, so I wasn't looking at you. Oh, so that totally justifies it, doesn't it? This is exactly why I work alone. Work on what? Well, it's sort of hard to explain. And by hard, I mean boring. So I've condensed Doctor Road phases one to five into this. Got the idea from that master debacle we had last week. Master debacle. That's a good word, that. Last week? Oh, feels like months ago. Oh, shut up and open the watch. I said! Imagine all that information, all that knowledge. Put it in physical form, chuck it on a wall. And that's what that was. My life, history in Doctor Who Road. But why? I wanted to know the future. Not just any future. Very particular. Our future. And to do that, I had to analyse the past. But not just any past. Mine and Moffat's. And did it work? Fuck, no! A total waste of time. Version, eh? Oh, that's a great idea! Okay, what's the next stage of the plan? Oh, I know! We can sneak in and take away the writer's pen. Or we wait until the next villain enters Doctor Who Road and then turn them against each other. And... You're all right. All right. Oh, I'm more than all right. I'm fantastic! Oh! You like my plan? Oh, fuck no. Fair old crap. Here's my plan. We're gonna throw a party! I believe that Moffat just wants chaos. That's why he keeps sending in all these villains. So we are gonna be normal. So we're fighting chaos with mundanity. Cool! But why is it my party? Are you calling me mundane? No, no, I would never. I'm calling your era mundane, but it can't be mine. Because you throwing a party would be new and weird? Exactly! Plus, it gets all remaining doctors in one safe location because I'm getting sick of this asshole stealing all my bankable talent. I just want to be rich with all the Disney money. Is that too much to ask? Russell! Russell! Focus here. How can I? My life has been ripped away by that brick and it turns out that we're a parallel Doctor Who Road like the one you came from. Is my life a lie? Oi! There's something on your back. Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Yep, that was a little busy for a bit. It is pretty crazy though. All these doctors gone. So many missing. You have no idea. Well, I'm not letting any more be taken. That's for damn sure. We're going to work together. We're going to be the drain team. Who else have you got in this team? No one. I forgot another one! Another one? Oh crap, I'm out. Two doctors at once. I will be the greatest darling of all. Yeah, good for you. I'm sure your Mr. Master Daddy Dav Ross will give you an OBA. Silence, guy. You will be exterminated. Wait, wait. Before dying, do you know what happens when you put two identical sonic devices against each other? Oh, yes. Yes, you must know. You've got to find out. Your Mr. Master will be very proud. It's catching on. You will tell me OBA. What? Do you not know? Me neither. Let's find out. I know this is high stakes and everything but I've got to know. Did you just quote Tenon? No, I quoted Russell. They love your phone. Now, do as I say and... Everybody get down. Immediately. You what? Oh fuck. Now to detonate. Don't detonate yet. I order so you're going to be turned into Daleks. Did we get it Professor? The bomb has been planted. But we're not in Boomtown yet. Oh, that's a very nice reference. Thank you very much. Oh shut up you lot. Don't you tell sensei every ice to shine. Right then, Mr. Dalek. You're going to tell me what you're up to. Incorrect. Jody Time Lord, yeah. Dalek Dalek, no. What? Can't you do it? Answer simple questions? Are all Daleks the stupid or is it just you? Daleks are not stupid. We are the masters of the universe. And yet you refuse to answer a very simple question. And I mean if you can't do that, what are you good for Dalek? Hey, what's the point in you? You know what, forget this. Forget it. But goooood. Paint, gel, answer your questions. And a boy. Now, who sent you? Davos and a third party. Oh, well I wonder who that could be. Oh, speaking of, did you get Jody's invite? I did, but there was no place to put my dietary requirements. Oh, are you vegan or something? No, but others might be. You know, it is very inconsiderate of Jody not to put an option for others. Okay, next question. What is your goal? What is your prime directive as I'm sure you'd say? To make havoc and to exterminate all prime targets. And just to clarify, who is that? What the fuck? It was me. No, Ace, not me. Radis has been stolen. That was the second time I met Madame Nostradans. So the trick is when laying the spoons, it's first of all not getting lost in your beautiful reflection. I wouldn't exactly call this place fully stopped. I mean, look at this. That's disgraceful. Beyond the mouth. They have taste. Thanks. It's a good song. The party's in full swing. Although, you can have spas. Don't focus on that. Just, you know, do what I do. Pretend to have fun. Like this. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. See, I'm having fun already. Oh, free drink? I like it as well. Keeping this party nice and boring. Wait, hang on. This, like, all of this, what you were doing at the Series 12 party? You know what? I actually wasn't. That's the one rare occasion where I didn't have to fake it. I was literally jumping for joy that day. Oh, yeah. I remember that. That was weird. We all just sort of watched you do it. We all thought you were high. High on life, Jodie. High on life. I don't know what this is. I think, Rabina. Yes, you're on the list. Welcome, welcome to the party. Can I take your coat and or a virginity? What the fuck happened to him? You didn't see. It was broadcast everywhere. How? I cut myself off. Tell me. He was forcibly aged. Benton, over at unit, did a cheeky scan of him to see how old he is now. And? Over 2,000 years. You know, Capaldi never gets a break in these things. You know what I mean? I mean, he either goes missing in my world or this here. Like you said, let's not focus on that. Look, all doctors are present and accounted for in one safe and boring location. So what do we do now? Go out and hunt some Daleks. Fucking get them. Fucking hell, have you got a death wish? No, no, just hungry for blood. You what? Oh, I'm only joking. Oh, hardly fucking hard. No, we let the craziness come to us. Wait, no, hang on. So basically, we've just given Moffat and the Daleks a big old target laid ourselves on top of it. And like, I thought we were trying to keep everyone safe. Oh, come on. With Moffat in charge, the idea of a safe space is just pure fantasy. Come on. We've got to keep this party as blend as possible. You sure you're going to manage all this social interaction? Shouldn't I be asking you that? Fair point. Who wants a Harvey Woldanger? Oi, no alcohol. Best to stick to water, you know. My flat, my rules. My rules, just saying. Okay. Apologies. So me and Sarah were running around with our nose plugs on, going, where's the pool? Where's the pool? When finally the lifeguard comes over and tells us the pool was abstract. I'm noticing a distinct lack of laughter. Okay, you clearly stole that story from Tennant. You're not fooling anyone, mate. He stole that story from me. You knew what he was talking about. Now the key to the perfect cocktail, according to Bloody Jody, is no alcohol, so simply put water in a glass, stir three times. Very important. And then you do this. Oh, come on. This is homeless chic. You can't get this just anywhere. I mean, you could just wear like other clothes. Other clothes? Right, all together now. Why didn't he get the invite? No, but seriously, Whitaker, what the fuck? Why didn't they get an invite? Why didn't any of the companions get an invite? The companions are a vital part of the show. Are you a companion? I was in the hobbit, you know. This pie is so boring. I'm missing a cocktail. Yes, it is. I bet Moffat is either really confused or is fucking furious. I'll take either. Don't be too happy about it. I mean, Moffat still has an army of dialects that he's very happy to use to get rid of any doctor he wants. You know, I think I'm just used to the danger at this point. Are you drunk? No, you're not. Hello. Not this prick again. Someone change the channel. On it. Ayadavras. This is so cool. I've always wanted to sing with Davros. Been there, done that. It's them bloody aliens again. Silence. Hey, dickhead. Where's Moffat? I don't want to talk to his henchmen. I said, be silent. Oh, someone walk up on the wrong side of the saucer. It's you, it's you. Oh, forget the monologue. Daleks attack. Bloody hell. Daleks get his designs much significantly better than this shit. Hold me where you want. You didn't think I'd be gone forever, did you? Same could be said for me. What do you think? The evil man comes down from his ivory tower. An unwise move, dear barn. Look at this. Heard about the party. I can't say I'm not a little bit offended about the lack of an end, though. He's me being your oldest friend. It's not even close. Yes, hello, Rose. Bit pissed you're even here. Gonna ignore that for now cos you're kinda spoiling my fucking moment. Speaking of... Hey, Chris. You enjoying that drink? I made it myself. And then got Captain Jack to put it in pure view knowing you could resist. Chris! Hold on, my boy! Ugh! Gotta stop trying to save the day. I mean, it worked with the old lot, sure, but this new bunch I've gotta say I'm not convinced. Is that why you got rid of them? God no. I may be evil. Sure. But I'm not petty. So where are they then? I don't know. If for no other reason than to swap you for sailor. No offence. Hotches! Perhaps we can burn through. I didn't mean for this to happen. Huh? Duh! This is not the first prison I've been locked up in. We're gonna be out of here in no time. There was the Pandorica, you know. If anything changes, let me know. Prison. Just play an old prison. Seems a bit tame for you, don't you think? I thought you wanted chaos. You really don't know me very well, do you? I mean, we've known each other since 2004. Can't help but notice they all have their friends with them. Oh! Right. She'll wake up soon enough. I'm not heartless. Unlike you and all of your many band of pricks sending me into the void. Yeah, I don't think I need to repeat. I was... I was there. Come to think of it. You're gonna explain how you got here? Or where you've been? Yeah, of course not. Why would you? Oh, dear. So come on then. All this effort, all this planning and for what? For victory, Sonsar, Sonsar. Thanks. I've wanted what I've always wanted. It's never changed. Are you ruling over the rest? Am I on the right lines here? I mean, yes and no. Christ, how many have trained that? Chibnall, The Joker, Cybermen. The list is truly endless. All right, stop them on lock. Just tell me. Silence. Chris. Silence. Smith, shut the fuck up. Ow. Come on, think about it. I've not exactly been playing Kai. We've had Autons and Captain Jack. They made the Cybermen. Then the Master. And now the Daleks with Davros. What's the logical next step?