 Every man has a red flag, but are they deal breakers? We're gonna be exploring this today. Let's face it, we all come to the table with some level of baggage, okay? I know the term baggage is not very attractive, but we all do, especially for those of us in our over 40, okay? And the demographic I speak to most of the time on my channel is those in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s. I call these midlife folks, which is after baby making years and before retirement. So what is some of the, for lack of a better word, red flags or baggage? Well, they might have a contentious relationship with an ex-spouse. They might be still hung up on someone they previously dated. They might have health concerns. They might have troubles at work. Maybe they drink too much. Maybe they do drugs. Maybe their children are going through hardship. Maybe they've got an elderly parent that they have to take care of. This is all, these are just many of the factors related to those of us in midlife that is so different than those in their 20s and 30s. You know, I think of people in their 20s and 30s as a blank sheet of paper, their life hasn't really been written yet. Certainly their life has been written from the perspective of maybe childhood wounds and traumas that they grew up with, but certainly not the tapestry of what you go through in midlife, which is so different. And what's interesting is for those of us in midlife, most of us, roughly about 75% of singles over 45 years or divorced. And that comes with it in a unique set of circumstances. Well, how does this relate to red flags? Well, I guess what you're really trying to differentiate from a man, is he a train wreck or is he a good man with normal problems? Is he a train wreck or a good man with normal problems? And why I say this is, I am a recovering train wreck, okay? If you ever saw the movie, catch me if you can with Leo DiCaprio. Did I pronounce his name right? He played a real life person named Frank Abengale who was a Czech forager who was a very young boy, writing bad checks all over the place. And he eventually got caught. He served his time in jail and then he became a security consultant to help banks avoid fraud. In other words, he took where his dysfunction in his life and he now applies it in a way to help people. And the reason why I say that is folks, that's what I do. I was a train wreck after my divorce. Shortly after my divorce, I lost my high-end corporate job. I began using cocaine to numb the pain. I would drink, I would serial date as a way to numb the pain. I was a train wreck. I was financially, I was going through hardship. I was dealing with a contentious divorce. I was actively going from one person to the next person to the next person. All of under the guise of I thought I was ready and healthy for a significant relationship. I really did. Had some friends with benefits along the way. I had some casual relationships along the way. All that time, I was a train wreck. And why I'm bringing this up is, you have to differentiate between those guys that are really going through some significant hardship versus those garden variety kind of things. You know, it's interesting. I was briefly in a relationship with a woman who said to me shortly after our, or I think it was our third date, she said, I have to wear rose-colored glasses with you. And what I mean in what she meant was she goes, look, I know you're not ready for a relationship. And I said, no, I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready for a relationship. And sure enough, three months into it, I wasn't ready for the emotional responsibility for a relationship. Back for a Christmas gift, she gave me these rose-colored glasses. I've had these for over 17 years now because she took the red flags that I clearly had. And these were gigantic red flags, and she painted them green. See, we all, now I'm kind of the extreme version. And one of the reasons why I think I can coach in this realm is what I've noticed. I have over 20,000 hours of coaching women in the last 17 years. And what was interesting is they share their stories. They share their experiences. And I noticed a pattern within men. And quite frankly, it was weaved into the pattern that I was experiencing in my own life. And I recognize where the difference between the men who are what I call you. Okay, if you haven't seen my chart, please forgive the glare. I call them users, spenders and grower builders, users of those people that are in it for the short run. They're the love bombers. They're the gold diggers, the entitled people, selfish people only caring about their own needs. And while I say, and I say that's roughly 20% of the population. And while over here, I say 20% of the population are grower builders. They seek long-term commitment. They are emotionally grown up. They have their act together. They seek serious commitment. Most everybody falls into this category of spender. They want connection. They want companionship. They want sex, but their life isn't a bit of a dysfunction and it makes it difficult for them to lean into commitment. And the reason why I bring this up is this is where the vast majority of the dating population exist. And by the way, this is true for men and women alike. This isn't singular to men, ladies. I know the title is every man, but every woman has a deal breaker as well. You know, it's fascinating to me what's considered a red flag or a deal breaker. You know, I heard on a TikTok video that a man took a woman to Cheesecake Factory and she said, that was a gigantic deal breaker. I heard another woman talk about how he ordered regular water at the restaurant instead of bottled water. And that was her deal breaker. And then certainly I've heard this from dating coaches to suggest to ladies if he only offers to take you on a coffee date, that's a deal breaker. But the difference between, like so folks, it doesn't that seem ridiculous that those are the deal breakers? I mean, to me, the most important deal breaker is, are they into me? Like that's the most, like are they into me? And beyond the lust or limerence in the early stages, do their actions match their words? Do they have victor consciousness instead of victim consciousness? Do they know how to resolve conflict with relative ease? Do they do active listening? To me, those are the most significant deal breakers. But the difference between a deal breaker and a red flag, a red flag simply means ask more questions, learn more. For example, did he just end a relationship two weeks ago with someone? That might be something worth exploring. Now, for me, that would be a deal breaker. But a red flag means find out more information. Now, with that particular one, I mean, since I mentioned that and that just came out the fly for me, you might want to recognize that someone who just ended a relationship maybe hasn't healed from that past relationship. So it's a red flag that most likely, if you find out more, will represent a deal breaker. Now, here's one. Does he have lots of female friends on his social media? That could be a red flag. Now, is that really a deal breaker? Now, if you looked at my social media, it's predominantly women because women follow me. So that particular one is only a red flag if you see that they're all women, most likely women in bathing suits and that sort of thing. You like all their primary photos might suggest that this person really is only in it for the short run. What about guys that travel all the time? Is that a deal breaker? Is that a red flag? It might mean that he has relationships in other cities or it just might mean he travels all the time. Here's one for those of us in midlife. I've noticed that a lot of those of us in midlife are empty nesters and many women have said to me, if a man still has young children at home, that's probably a deal breaker. You might wanna find out more information. You see, the real, the thing is red flags simply means stop and ask questions, find out more. And yet oftentimes it's the trivial things that end up being the deal breaker, like the filtered water versus bottled water, coffee dates versus dinner dates or taking someone to a chain restaurant that's tacky. Like it's kind of ridiculous how many reasons we can say no to a relationship. And I think part of the reason for this is why people come up with ridiculous deal breakers is because they're not ready to fully commit to someone. I think the real challenge in dating today is a fear of vulnerability for both men and women alike. I think the reason why ridiculous deal breakers pop up is there's a fear of getting hurt. Can you relate to that? Think about it, dating is exhausting. Putting yourself out there to meet someone can be incredibly exhausting. And if you've done it one time over another, after another, after another, you could be fearful. You could be so concerned that you'll come up with the most trivial thing to even end a potential of a relationship. And then listen, I've often said dating triggers the number one emotional health issue we all are faced with. And that's I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. It's one of the reasons why I wrote my book called What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help in Spiritual Work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. Is that many of us are hurting on the inside and rightfully so. Dating and relationships trigger a lot of our stuff. And it's no wonder that men and women alike are rather disillusioned with the process, fearful of the process, frustrated with the process, scared. I mean, the list goes on and on, depressed. And for some people, like where I was in the, listen, after my divorce, I was sharing with you, I was a train wreck, it was after my divorce, I was a serial dater because there was something missing inside of me and I didn't realize it, it took me a year of serial dating to recognize that I was the common denominator of my problems. So you have to really ask yourself, what's really important to you in a relationship? What's really important? Certainly I would say you probably want someone who has a stable professional life that can support themselves. Because no, as I've heard women say, I don't wanna be a nurse or a purse, I get that. I think you would want someone that shares your values. I think you would want someone whose lifestyle can blend with yours. I think you would want someone with the emotional maturity. This is why I'm an advocate for radical honesty early on, asking those deeper questions. And if you need some support with that, right there's a link to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My whole area of expertise, this is why I'm the Frank Abengale in the dating realm is because I've witnessed, either I've witnessed through 20,000 hours of coaching women share their stories or I was the guy that they were talking about. I'm gonna be candid with you. I was a user and I was a spender as I shared in my graph earlier. I was in, I mean, sometimes I would love bomb women and oftentimes I didn't even know why I did it. I was amped up on chemicals saying some of the most ridiculous things that came out of my mouth because I was so driven biologically to be physically intimate with someone and I wasn't even capable of being in a relationship. You have to ask yourself, is this person emotionally grown up? This is why I'm, again, I said radical honesty because when you ask deeper questions, here's a great question to ask someone right from the get go. What does commitment mean to you and what does commitment look like for you and when do you commit to someone in relationship? What does it mean for you? What does it look like for you and when do you commit to someone in a relationship? That's a great question to ask someone. Matter of fact, ask it before you even go on a first date with someone, given that we're most oftentimes meeting total strangers, you got nothing to lose to ask that question on the telephone. But Jonathan, that's gonna sound like an interview. Yes, I've often said interrogate people before you go on a date with them. Then the date can be fun. In other words, they have to jump through some hoops. And by the way, you gotta jump through their hoops too, ladies. If you went out with someone like me, you're gonna have to jump through a few of my hoops. Now we could say that that's a block to love. No, because there's nothing more exhausting to going out with the wrong person that is not aligned with you. The more we put the odds in our favor of alignment, the greater chance we have relationship success. And so paying attention, here's the thing about a red flag. Red flag is your spider senses saying something's not off, something's off, okay? Something's off. Maybe the copy date the office is, he doesn't feel like your profile really excited him, but he's curious to want to meet you. And he'd rather have a low investment. It's because you don't want, you don't want to infer, folks, let me ask you something. Have you ever gone on a date with someone where you've had a fancy dinner and like you were dreading every single second being there? I can tell you as a guy, I've been there. You know, ordering filtered or regular filtered water versus bottled water, I mean, come on, that's not a level of cheapness and even taking someone that's a cheesecake factory. That's not cheap. That just might be their favorite place. And by the way, I love their Cajun jambalaya. Very fattening, by the way. But you have to decide what's most important for you. You've got to decide what's most important for you. And your red flags are simply your spider senses simply saying, ask a couple more questions versus dismissing someone completely. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear all your thoughts. As always, if you find value in these videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if you want to connect with me, there's links below to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery to get the books I recommend to follow me on Instagram. All those links below and to get my dating vows which I highly recommend you checking out. All right, those who know my format, this is live. If you have a question for me, write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All of the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Conor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. In his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and offer scholarships to coaching as well. So again, and our goal today is gonna be $30. I'm gonna make it simple. So I'd like to have some love of $30 today. So hit that little dollar sign there. Or you can hit the super thanks as well. Okay, let's see. Let's see. Sandy says, yes, I'm exhausted, but I will keep trying. You know, listen, love is a risk, as a friend of mine once said, but it's still the best game in town. Love is a risk, but it's still the best game in town. Amanda says, just what happened with a guy. Yes, just what happened with a guy I stopped seeing. He didn't listen to me at all, so sad. Yeah, oftentimes men and women are in their own bubble. I think the challenge with dating is a lot of people don't recognize, very, very, I'm gonna say a lot of people don't recognize what it means to be a giver in the dating and relationship process versus a taker. And I think people that are caught up in their own world oftentimes because they've suffered childhood wounds and adult traumas that makes it difficult for them to actually be a genuine giver in the early process. And think about it, in dating, we're evaluating people, we're coming at it oftentimes from a place of what am I gonna get from this versus what can I give? Very few people enter a first date from a place of what can I give. So I guess I recognize that. Thank you, Amanda, I appreciate it. Barbara says, I'm not much of a follower of Evan Marquette's but I agree with the top deal, breakers separated, long distance, substance abuse, even recently divorced without going through at least two rebound relationships. You know, it's interesting, I once met a woman shortly after my divorce on a dating site and she said, how long you've been divorced? I said, I'm separated and she wrote me back, reach out to me when you've been divorced for two years and you've had, or excuse me, 18 months and you've had one to two transitional relationships. What she means is rebound relationships. Those are certainly things to look for early on, people that are just separated. Long distance is a challenging dynamic because it's oftentimes a bubble type of relationship. Certainly substance abuse, again, I was in that boat. I certainly had, I was, when a person is in pain, they oftentimes self-medicate and I was in so much pain during that period of my life that I self-medicated. But sometimes you don't see those early on. That's why these trivial deal breakers pop up because you don't see the deeper deal breakers because the reality is, is very few people go very deep early in the dating process. It's very surface. And then it turns into what I call a strung out version of friends with benefits. Okay, Sandy's in the house. Shouldn't we be asking those questions to ourselves as well? Sandy, thank you so much. Folks, many of you know I recently had a speaking gig where I spoke to a group of people. And one of the things I invited everyone to do is ask themselves, what's their own red flag? What's one of your own red flags? Meaning what would be a red flag to another person? And I shared one of my personal ones. I'm not the best traveler. Okay, I'm just very, I'm very, by the way, I am aware of my red flags and I'm very, I'm willing to tell someone that early on. I'm not the best traveler. I get kind of anxious. I get kind of nervous. I don't, when I'm in a place I don't feel safe, I just, I can be a little bit agitated. Now I once dated a woman who I shared with, I think this happens, you know what she did? She put her hand on my arm and she looked me in the eye and she says, don't worry, we'll get through this together. We're a team here. This was years ago I met a woman where we, she said that to me. Like I was upfront about who I was and she goes, that's not a deal breaker for me. For some people that might be a deal breaker. For other people it's like, look, you're just a normal human being. So coming back to asking all these questions yourself, what does commitment mean to you, for example? What does it look like for you? And when do you commit to a person? Those are really big questions to ask of yourself. In fact, if you don't know the answer to that, then don't ask that question of someone else. Regina says, I appreciate your work. Thank you so much. I thank you so much. I appreciate that. Let's see. Regina says, I sent you a question by email. I didn't get it. Sorry. Or my system might not have sent it to me yet. Lisa says, I like coffee dates for first date, but you don't waste time with someone that may not be someone you find attractive in connection if you'd like to spend time together, have dinner. I'm actually gonna be meeting with a friend of mine whose first date was coffee. They had such a great time that they ended up going dinner. And then eventually eight months later, they got engaged and they got married and they've been married now for five years. And it started with a coffee date. Julie says, I love your honesty and accountability, Jonathan. Folks, I'm here to say, I'm gonna be candid with you all. The person I am to, the person I was 17 years ago versus the person I am today is radically different. And still to this day, I have dysfunction in my life. I use the word dysfunction because I think very few human beings ever learn to absolutely regulate their emotional intelligence. I think some people are better than others. I think some people are emotionally constipated. I think some people are emotionally struggling, but I do believe the vast majority of humans have a challenge regulating their emotional IQ. And ladies, you are no picnic either. So I call that dysfunction, but really it's called being a human being, okay? The question is, can your crazy fit there crazy? The mean, I mean our emotional IQ, can your emotional IQ fit their emotional IQ? That's really the question. Anyway, well, that's a question I should say, it's not that question. Melissa says, I'm 54 and still a work in progress. Exactly. So when you know, by the way, folks, I'm aware of who I am. Know thyself, like really be introspective. And if you know, for example, that you have things that may be a turnoff to somebody else, then explore it, not from a place of judgment, but from a place of individual compassion. And if you share from this place, by the way, in my book, chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. Chapter nine is, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. If I'm speaking from my heart and I say, look, I have a need for validation. In other words, regular validation. In other words, by the way, it's whether it's admiration, adoration, I have a need for this. This helps me feel safe in a relationship. Is that a need you'd be willing to help me fill? By the way, but they may have a need to be closed off and have walls because they're afraid. Well, that might be a mismatch between two people. I'm just using that as an example. So just recognize that we all have needs. They may not be, by the way, I'm so tired of dating advice. You have to be confident. You have to be stoic. You have to be, like human beings are riddled with flaws and insecurities. I'm not the most, listen, I'm not the most confident person. I have fears. I'm also unafraid to get up and speak in front of a camera like this. So we all have frailties, foibles in our lives. I guess does yours fit into mine and vice versa? Karen wants to know, how did your event go on Thursday? Thank you for asking really quickly for those. No, I had a live event called Ditch the Dating Apps Meet Organically. We end up having 22 people. I would say it was about 80% women and only 20% men. Most of the women have been following my work. It was so nice to actually connect with many of you. Some people drove 100 miles to come see me for a few hours. I'm so grateful. Former client showed up, or not former client, a current client showed up. I even had a woman I went out on a date with 15 years ago show up. We'd been social media friends. And I was like, we went on a date once before. It was such kind of in my past memory and it was a nice connection with people. It was a lot of fun. And I think there was a lot of value presented. So Karen, thank you so much for that question. Melissa says, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Listen, that's not my quote. I mean, I use it in my book, but I say if it's sincere and from the heart, you really can. So thank you so much. Julie says, may I please do have a cocktail occasionally or you are completely clean and sober today? Oh, I was, there was an article that came out. I think it was in the New Yorker that said people's drinking styles can be a deal, like a mismatch in drinking styles can be a deal breaker. In other words, two heavy drinkers should, like two heavy drinkers should be with each other and two light drinkers should be with them. If there's a heavy drinker with a light drinker or no drinker, they said that actually ends up being a potential problem in a relationship. Just something that, and I'm not, don't quote me. Like I had someone mention it at the live event that she read an article along those lines. Brooke is in the house, question. If I'm not sure I see a future with this man I've been dating for two months, I'm aware I avoid asking him questions because I know he likes me a lot. Give me some idea of questions to ask him. So I'm not sure I see a future with this man. Well, first off, ask yourself the question, why don't I see a future with this man? What is blocking you from seeing this? You said, you know he likes you a lot. So are the two of you building the deep roots of trust through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. That's how you build deeper roots of trust. But Jonathan, all it is is we text all day long. That's our relationship is we just text. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I'm hoping you have a good day. I'm being tongue in cheek, Brooke. You have to ask yourself the question, why don't you see a future? And then you can cultivate questions. And if you need some support schedule a discovery call with me. Barbara says I'm all about vetting Vid call to get vibe and meet and split check. Text after, text after if interested. Notice men's egos are paper thin. How to let down a guy not interested in him after going through the vetting process. By the way, women's egos are just as fragile. Listen, a woman, listen, nobody likes being rejected. I'm sorry, that's not a male thing. That's a, by the way, no human being likes to feel rejected. But you see, here's the question. I think the easy way to let someone down is I don't feel a connection with you. That's it, I don't feel a connection with you. You seem like a great person, you have lovely energy. I just don't feel a connection with you. And that's not fair to you. You can even go, you don't have to say this, but I mean, you might want to consider this. It's not fair to you that I invest more in this if I don't feel a connection. That's it, text message, send it off. I don't feel a connection. I've sent that to women. I'm not feeling the kind of feelings I think I should be feeling to pursue this any further. That's what you say. All right, Madora says, question, how can I change the belief it's very difficult to be attracted by someone? The right man is attracted to me. I am attracted to the right man. The right man is attracted to me. I'm attracted to the right man. The right man is attracted to me. I'm attracted to the right man. That's a reframe, okay? Sounding, sounds good to me, says when I consider a friend someone that I meet recently. And okay, that's not really a question, but thank you for sharing that statement. Jonathan, I understand what you're saying. I'm not on the same person I was five years ago. Yes, we are all hopefully evolving in a more enlightened way, a more functional way. Hopefully that's the case. Some people regress and some people grow in a healthy way. So thank you for sharing that. Power of cheese in the house. Question, is your recent phone date still watching your videos lives? If so, what do you think she feels when you talk about her? You know, this is, by the way, I have no idea how she might feel about that. The question is, first off, it's anonymous. So if someone is, and then by the way, I'm sharing my truth. So if my truth doesn't appeal to her then she may not want to follow me anymore. I can recognize that if my, this all I've shared about this phone date was my truth. And I'd like to think I did it in a kind way. My truth was I didn't feel the kind of connection to be vulnerable with this person. That's all. By the way, dating is a very vulnerable act. And quite frankly, if it's not good for me it's not good for her either. You should be grateful. And hopefully the balance of my advice still has value. Or, but if the thing is if she got radically triggered and feels a sense of insecurity, that's a great sign she has to work on something. Like our triggers are signs we have to work on stuff. That's all. Again, sounds good to me. That is not a question. When I consider a friend someone that I met recently that's not a question. Should I consider a friend someone, friend someone I, should I consider them a friend? If that's your question you have to decide that for yourself. I can't figure that out for you. I have no understanding of the complexities of what's going on between the two of you. You have to answer that for yourself. Hey, so folks, I'm heading off today with my men's group. I am blessed to be affiliated with some great men in my life. We are doing, I call it group therapy meets pajama party meets cocktail party. It's going to be 10 guys. A friend of mine has a 65 foot yacht. We get together, we talk about, it's really, we have processes where we work through stuff. By the way, I'm a big proponent of group therapy. Why? Because when you hear other people's perspective on things it helps us become better communicators when we're hearing someone else share and then it's our turn to share. I'm a big proponent of doing group therapy as a way to connect with oneself, whether it's, and by the way, and I do it with a group of men, I do it with men and women. So it's great to hear the opposite sex to share their perspective on things. So I'm a big proponent of everyone doing some level. By the way, maybe even go to an AA meeting to hear people express and share, go to sexaholics anonymous meet. I mean, I don't know if you can get into these things, but hearing other people share their experiences has a way of helping us improve our emotional IQ and our capacity to speak to those challenging things. I just wanna remind everybody has red flags. The real question is, are they dealbreakers for you? Only you can answer that for yourself. Just differentiate between the trivial types of dealbreakers, many people, versus a red flag simply means ask more questions and then you can decide if it's a dealbreaker for you. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know. And by the way, Powerachie just said Fight Club. That's exactly what I was thinking, all of those groups in Fight Club. All right, like to hear your thoughts on this video, please post a comment below. I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel, hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. By the way, if you wanna connect with me, check out the links below to a discovery call with me to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery to get my dating vows to follow me on Instagram. All those are links below. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic John of the Merrick of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet. Teddy bear a pillow and give either them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives, wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Thank you. D.S. Flower, Sandy, Amanda, Julie, Power of Cheap, Barbara, Patricia, Ana, C.C., Sounds Good to Me, Connie, Madora, Brooke, Melissa, Regina, Gigi. By the way, donate right before we leave. Give us some love to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund. Donate some money today, I'd really be grateful. All right, we're gonna wrap up now. Have a fab day, bye now.